 OK. Right. Seeing as there's like literally nobody watching, this is probably going to be fairly pointless. OK. Right. Seeing as there's like literally nobody watching, this is probably going to be... OK. So yeah, so this is the new thing. This is me about to play some of the worst games on Steam. It started off with this one, Uriel's Chasm. Now, if I remember, let's just check out some of the user reviews for this. Oh, I can't be bothered to go there now. Some of the user reviews for this game are pretty horrendous, ranging from this game gave me cancer to one of my favourites which was I had a falling out with my friend and I didn't think there was anything we could do to patch up the friendship. Then he gifted me this game and I knew the friendship was over. So I don't really know anything about this game other than it's supposed to be totally shit and it has some sort of Bible thing or something. I don't know. It's called Uriel's Chasm. So I guess without further ado, we should maybe get stuck in. This is my first stream so I apologise if I'm not following the rules of streaming or whatever. Don't really give a shit, to be fair. So here we go, Uriel's Chasm. Let's rock and roll. Hi, it's us again, Show me your greens. So we found this old game. We vaguely remember buying it in the 90s. Of course, of course you did. It sucked. I'm not sure how we got it. To be fair, I think most of the games... I remember a joke to me about coming down from space on an asteroid. My name is Sister Tabitha. I've been sent to the outer fringes of the galaxy on a rescue mission. Well, it's better you've got to earn your money somehow. I'm here to investigate the disappearance of a great orbital monastery in our home. Today, I walk up, for all Christians this morning, to a kiss, a victorious team. Right, it must be great as a name. God, mine asteroids to find faith in, obviously. It's found by reading the Bible fragments, being a sense of responsibility. Cancelled out of the game. I'll tell you what. Give me a second. Let's turn the mic up. How do I actually do this? Somewhere here. No. Properties. No, no, no. Settings, audio, microphone. There used to be a setting on this to change the game, but now I can't find it. So what are you going to do? Maybe if I move the microphone closer to my mouth. How does that? How does that grab you? Yeah. Okay. Good. Let's go back into the game. Play. Hi, it's us again. Don't care. So we found this old game. So we found this old game. It sucked. I'm not even sure how we got it. But I remember a joke we made about becoming dumb on space on an asteroid. There we go. So my voice should be allowed at the game now. Right, here we go. Yes, I've turned the game music down. There we go. I've used the volume mixer. Of course. Right, here we go. Can I skip past this? You can't even skip the intro. You can't skip the intro. Oh, God in paradise. The game is still stupidly loud. Right, there we go. Is that any better? I don't know. There is a slight delay between the messages in here and there and the actual stuff. Oh, God. Oh, God. For the record, right? Lesson time now. If you're ever designing a game, don't design this one. There's today's lesson. I'm here to investigate the disappearance of the Great Orbital Monastery in October. I think it exploded when they all died of boredom. Today, I woke up. Even I can make a better game. Yes, I fully believe that. Right. Feel free to publish this live stream address on all your favourite channels. It's only going to get more boring. Oh, come on. What's that? Yeah, okay. Everyone to watch it. I'm sure they'll be totally thrilled. I'm glad I know. You know how much I've paid for this game? I've paid 59p in this game. I still feel I was really told. 88. Get it. The music's awesome, isn't it? 298. So I've got to get at least a thousand fave. There we go. That might be a bit better. Oh, my fave. Oh, do I actually get fave for actually blowing up those asteroids? Or even if I don't get a Bible thing out of them? Apparently not. Oh, Bibles. Come on. I've got to do it this time. I hope you guys are all reading these Bible verses down there because I'm not, and that means I'm going to hell. I'm going to run out of fuel at this rate. I'm not going to have... Who play-tested this piece of shit? Oh, Bible. 820. Oh, God, but that's gone up to 1200 now. And I'm out of fuel. Wonderful. What a brilliant game. And so what happens now? We all start again. We all start again. Right. OK. Ah! Right. Ah! Bibles! Bibles! Space Bible. What even is this game, man? I just want a Bible. God damn it. I can see how playing this game would make you lose your faith as well. I don't believe how a God could exist in any world that produces this thing. Oh, Bibles everywhere. Ah, come on. Woo! This game is impossible. There is no way to do it without running out of fuel. It makes me want to kill myself. Ah, another Bible. Gotcha! 501. Oh, come on, man! Oh, God! Ah! What does the garden represent anyway? Is it Garden of Eden? What is it? What kind of garden is it? 30. Oh, so you do actually get a minor bit of faith for destroying an asteroid. Because I know every time I blow up a giant chunk of space rock it makes me think there is a God. I wonder if there's any cheat codes for this. There's got to be some cheat codes for this game that will just allow me to get past this boring as hell level. Obviously, I want to experience the full joy of this storyline, so I bet it's got a great story, hasn't it? I went to space and I destroyed some rocks and that made me believe in God. And now I can... Well, I don't know because we're never going to finish the story, are we? The mining laser's crap. It hardly does any damage. There's a Bible thing there. I don't understand how this garden increases its points. Oh, you can piss off. I'll happily take that 59p. Hope you're enjoying the 1080p 60 frames per second awesome live stream here. You know, I'm really, really pushing my computer to the absolute limits of what's possible with it. I'm going to run out of fuel again. There's no way in how long I'm going to do this. I wonder if anyone's written a walkthrough. You know, top tips for Uriel's chasm. Number one, don't play. Number two, kill yourself. Right, let's try again, shall we? Oh, avoid the giant floating thing, whatever that is. Oh, asteroid, monasteroid. Destroy, destroy. Yes. Oh, thank you. Boom. Thank you. Oh, Bible. Yep. Who tested this game? I mean, who sat down and said, you know what? I reckon this game's ready for release. But you know what? It cost me 59p, which was a rip-off, by the way. It was not even worth that. But that was on special offer. That was like 85% off. It normally costs over £2. Can you imagine paying more than £2 for this? Oh, God, another one of those things. And you can't kill them. And all they do is reduce your faith because they're rubbish. What are those? Boish, boish. Give me that. Give it to me. There we go. Didn't actually do anything. They did it. Come on, Bibles. Oh, Bible. Right, I'm on 272. I need to get 1,138. That's not going to happen, is it? Isn't DMT some sort of psychoactive drug? That's what's powering my mining laser. I'm going to destroy asteroids with ecstasy. Bible. DMT there. Did they actually expect people to read that text down the bottom there? Let me take your eyes off the screen for even a second. When there's that thing spinning around, you've got no idea where these Bible verses are going to come from. Constantly running out of fuel and mining ammo, whatever it's called, DMT. Yes! 592. I'm still nowhere near. Absolutely nowhere near, but there's... Oh, yeah! Okay. Oh, shit! Just give me some Bibles, man. Random space Bible. There we go. Oh, God. It's like moving goalposts every step of the way. Oh, come on, Bible. Yes, 912. This could be it, lads. This could be it. Bible. 962. So you get like 50 per Bible. 1097. 1092. Come on, man. Bibles everywhere! I've almost done it. Come on. This is actual seat of the pants stuff right now. No, you can get fucked. Oh, come on, man. I've got like 20 more points of faith. Come on, I believe. Yes! Oh, God, right. Another boring as hell cut scene. I thought it was 4K. I'm not quitting. You'll never make me quit. Overwatch, what the hell's that? I don't even know what that is. Yes, boys! Who have blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavily placed in Christ? So, you know what? I don't reckon there's any save points in this game. I don't know how many levels there are. I don't know how long it's going to take me to get through. This woman is so boring. Wait, am I destroying crucifixes? Isn't that sacrilege? Oh, shut up. Whatever. Obviously, I'm playing this on the keyboard. Are you crashing to the floor as well? Whatever. Oh, no, not all the way back here. It's like you don't even get any score. It's like the only points you get are for finishing the level. And once these things start shooting, it's not like you can get in front of them. Oh, God. I've got one heart left. And the controls are way too sensitive. Oh, God! Literal bullet hell. And those purple things actually block my shots and you crash into the floor. And I can't control it for shit. Oh, we're doing better than this time. Oh, there's going to be a guy there. Smash. You have that. Yeah! Have it, you slags. Shut it. Oh, cool. I like the way the music is like literal 10 of 15 seconds and then just loops. Oh, no, there is an actual other bit. There's another bit. There's another bit. All right. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Oh, no. Oh, come on. I have to go all the way back here. I hate my life. No. Oh, wait. I'm still alive. What? Here we go. I'm in the zone now. I'm in the zone. How did I get hit then? I swear I just glitched straight through those bullets then. I'm like literally on death's door now. Stupid crucifixes. Who knew crucifixes could shoot out stupid purple things? I can't even hit that thing. Look. Oh, one more touch and I'm dead. I'm not sure. I have no idea where the actual hitbox is on this thing. Sometimes I just clip straight through bullets and other times. See what I mean? I quite like that skin tight leather battle nun outfit there. That's kind of hot. I think the hitbox is on her face. So as long as she doesn't get hit in the face, things should be all right. Oh, what? Can't actually shoot that thing, so you've just got to avoid it. I don't know whether that's like a feature or a bug or both. All right. Allow this. Oh, yeah. I literally just flew into the wall there. What an idiot. Oh, no. Just blame your team. Well, to be fair, if your team is made up of space Christians, I think you're just asking for trouble, aren't you? Oh, God. The thing is, I'm committed now. I don't want to quit the game, because I know I'll have to do that first level again, and that was like the literal interpretation of hell. Oh, my God. All right, this time. No, no. That was just rubbish. Right. Okay. Can't shoot that thing for whatever reason. Just totally bugged out. Let's try and kill these things while avoiding the purple crap they're throwing at me. I hate those things. I hate them. I hate... Whenever I see a crust now, it's going to make me angry. Oh, God. Right, we're doing all right now. We're doing all right. Oh, shut it. Oh, no. I'm not going to make it this time. I'm not going to make it. What sadistic person made this? Lucifer himself is a games designer, and he made Uriel's chasm. When I die and I finally go to hell, it's going to be this over and over and over. It's going to be like an arcade game, and it's going to say insert coin to not continue, and I'm not going to have any change. Can't kill that thing still. Keep avoiding it. There we go. Oh, why did you do that? Why? Stupid hands. I'm going to cut off my own hands. I think this is the furthest I've ever got. Oh, no, they're going to come back and kill me. The way it resets you to the very start of the level every single time is if it's constantly taunting you. You know, like those bullies that steal your dinner money every single day so you just can't eat, and then they still call you fat. That's this game, man. Oh, God. Right, here we go. Here we go. Oh, where's the fire button, Zed? There we go. Messed that up, didn't I? I reckon this uses a Frostbite engine, doesn't it? Something like that. To be fair, it's probably still better than most games that EA put out, so it's certainly better than Call of Duty. I've got literally no lives. One more hit, and I'm dead. Can't shoot those things. Brilliant. Now all hell breaks loose. Oh, God, and I flew into the ground because you know there's nothing better than a shoot them up where you can fly into the ground and you don't actually know where your hitboxes are. They're really piloting there. It's like a giant deodorant can or something. I swear all those bullets went straight through me then. No, they hit me. Eurus has them greater than Watch Dogs 2. I've never played Watch Dogs 2, but if it pisses people off to say it, then yeah, I'll go along with that. I wonder if they thought like anyone would get any enjoyment whatsoever out of this game. I mean from playing it, obviously I know you guys are loving every minute of this broadcast. Oh, God, no, no! I'm gonna die. Oh, God, I died again. Oh, no, don't fly into the ground like an idiot. No! On the plus side, when I finally do beat this level, I'm gonna whoop for joy like you never saw before. Well, at least since the end of that last level. You don't even get any points. There's nothing to aim for. It's just literal survival. So it's not like, oh, yeah, see how expertly I dispatched that boring spinning white across the fire's stupid purple bullets. It's just, oh, yeah, well, you know, well, I got to the end of the level, and then I got treated to probably another boring cutscene with that woman just like saying, and then I did some other Bible stuff and then I did some other Bible stuff in space. Bible stuff in space. What's that giant spinning mouth? Oh, what's this? No! Oh, that wasn't so bad. Boss was crap. Dig me ears through this flesh added to the stars above. Wi-Fi, indeed, Pete. Adrian. Right, what? Oh, it's that Welsh girl again. What? What? What did she even say? Did anyone catch that? And why interrupt this game with, like, videos of Welsh people? No, I tell you, after playing this game I definitely want everyone to die, mate. There's a real high quality video capture on this as well. Like, literally. All right, mate. No, there's no options. How about, like, the option of you guys getting out the way so I can play the... You know, it's weird, isn't it? I actually want to play the game more than watch these... Ah, here we go. Tree seven. What? Okay. Ooh. What am I actually supposed to do here? Verily, verily, I say unto you, except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die. It abideth alone, but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit! Oh, God. Okay, so it's not that way. Yeah, as you can probably tell, it's, like, nearly impossible to control this because, like, the whole thing's, like, spinning round. I've got no indication as to where the hell I'm actually supposed to go. Ooh. Death is swallowed up in victory, oh death. Where is thy sting? Oh grave, where is thy victory? The sting of death is sin. Oh, I didn't have time to read it, man! Come on! See, the only fun I get in this game is reading ridiculous Bible verses while trying to actually work out what the hell it has to do with the game itself. What is this that I'm running on as well? It looks like fecal matter. Oh, this... Oh, wicked! For as much then as the children are partakers of the flesh and blood, he also himself likewise taught part of the same, that through death he might destroy him that at the power of death. Oh, come on! I still didn't get to read it, and I was reading it twice as fast. Okay. Into the magical swirling time toilet. Yes, in this way. I wonder if this game comes with an epilepsy warning. I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob! God is not the God of the dead, but of the living! I got to read that one, finally. Three, oh no! Now I don't know where I am. Oh, man. Up here. No, no, no. Oh, come on! Here we go, here we go, here we go. Joint, joint, joint, joint. Right. Three more trees. There's one. Alright, let's go back this way. Up there, I'm guessing. They really need to work on the difficulty curve of this game, because like, compared to the other levels, this piss easy. Verily, verily, and I say unto you, except a corn, I've had that one already, guys. You're repeating your Bible verses now? God's sake. One more tree. Where could that be? Down here, maybe. Uh, do I come this way? No, maybe. Drop down here. Down there. Drop off there. Let's go this way. There he is! Yeah! Death is swallowed up in victory! Oh, death, where is thy sting? Oh, grave, where is thy victory? Again, can't hear what you're saying, mate. No. No, I refuse to thank any god that would create a creature that would create this game. I should be a voice actor, Sukhraj. You're entirely correct. I should be a voice actor. I'd certainly do a better job than these guys. What? What is this guy talking about now? Mate, you're making me miss the game. You're that boring, you're making me miss that game that I was just playing. You know, the game that I despise, the game that makes me want to die, I would rather be playing that than listening to you right now. This is not a game! Yeah, man! It's got a bit metal! Oh, shit! What is this thing? God, it's like... What the hell are they talking about? No! Actually, have an epileptic seizure. No, no, no! I hate you! And by you I mean me! No, god damn it! Oh my god! Alright, here we go. This time, this time, this time, this time, this time! Shut your face! Alright, halfway there, and I'm more than halfway to death, so... I'm gonna need some luck on my side, which I didn't have! Right, okay, first wave done. Let's keep on going. Right, second wave done, let's keep on going. No! No! No! God! Right, here we go, this time, this time, this time, this time! Right, wave one done, let's keep on going. The sound is making me want to kill! It makes me want to rise up and kill! Wave two done! My vision has been blurring, I can't actually see a damn thing anymore! It's just like spots of colour here and there. Oh, come on man! Oh my god! No, right, okay, here we go. Right, wave one, perfect, here we go. We can do this. I wish that woman would shut up. I don't even know what she's saying, but I hate her voice. Right, I'm not quite halfway, and I'm actually halfway dead, so let's need some... Right, halfway, and two-thirds dead. We need to pull something out the fire here. Oh god! The giant mutated space frog spawn! What even is this thing? Right, here we go. Excellent, let's keep on going. Read the manual, but there is no manual, so we can't do that. Oh god, no! Right, come on, tunnel vision, tunnel vision. Right, we're doing alright, we're doing alright, we're doing alright, we're doing alright. Keep this up, Carl, keep this up! No, you moped! Right, couple more waves and we should be clear. Just a couple more waves, don't get hit, don't get hit! Here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go! Wooo! Yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Say it! Yeah, what is this music, man? Yeah, I couldn't totally see a vagina shape in the giraffe head because I wasn't actually looking at the giraffe, all I could look at was like, my ship and nothing else. So I'm trying to read some of the chat messages. It's a feminist giraffe, is it? Rip epileptic people! Yes, indeed. The power of Satan compels me. I'm hoping there's going to be something after this, maybe. Okay. Now what happens? It just says the end and it's rotating round. Come on, man. I don't want to listen to this song. This is like the least inspired, where's the credits, okay? I want to know who's responsible for this piece of shit. I want to know, right now, who made this game so that I can phone them up or go around their house and say, what were you thinking? Who's responsible this? I'm going to get them banned for life. Okay. Oh, there's the end of the song. So, that's it. It's just this forever now. Is that right? Space Mormons would be a better game, Pete. Space Mormons would be a better game. Isn't Battlestar Galactica? Isn't that Space Mormons? I'm pretty sure it's Battlestar Space Mormons. Right, that's all food. There really is nothing I can do now. Oh, shit! No! Did I just skip past something? I don't know. Did I click play again? What happened if I clicked play again? Oh, God, no! No, get away! You vaguely remember buying it in 90s. Except you didn't, did you? You vaguely remember making it the other week. Yeah, that's a hilarious joke, isn't it? Oh, I guess it was just that. Right, well, thank you very much for watching, everybody. This has been the first of a potential series of streams entitled Let's Play the Worst Games on Steam while you sit and look at my face or words to that effect. If anyone's got any suggestions for the next game that I play, put them in the comments, or if anyone wants to gift me the game on Steam, then you'll need to know my Steam ID and I'm certainly not giving that out in a public thing, but those of you who know me, you can give me a crap game if you want and I'll stream it for you. This cost me 59p. It was the worst 59p I've ever spent. I'd rather pay someone 10 pounds to punch me in the balls. And that's all I've really got to say about that, so Uriel's chasm, there it is, it was 85% off and I feel dead inside having played it. So peace out, Hail Satan and I will see you all next time.