 The Columbia Broadcasting System presents a new comedy. My Friend Irma. starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane with John Brown as Al. Friendship, friendship, just a perfect friendship when other friendships have been forgot. There's will still be hot. My friend. I live with my friend Irma. She's my roommate, and I love her. I wouldn't trade Irma for the world, but we have our difficulties, because just so happens that she's not the brightest girl in the world. My friend says, the other day I said, Irma, I see whether going to make military service compulsory. And Irma said, I don't think that's fair. A girl shouldn't have to go out with a sailor unless she wants to. That's my friends as one of Irma's more logical remarks. But it is her deeds rather than her words that strike consternation in the human heart. Well, it was shortly before noon I was listening to the radio. And fellow citizens, I'm happy to say that the Better Business Bureau and the police department are waging a campaign to stamp out the racketeers who rent stores on Second Avenue, fill them with worthless merchandise, and sell them to unsuspecting citizens. This campaign will chase those fakers from Second Avenue. Well, that's good news. Of course, only a moron would buy there. Oh, Irma, where have you been? Shopping on Second Avenue. Oh, no. Why, is something wrong? I don't know yet. What did you buy? A fur coat. It only cost me $80, and it's worth $5,000. Who told you it was? The man who sold it to me. Oh, and I know he's honest because he had it appraised. By whom? His brother. Irma, let me see the coat. All right, I'll put it on. In fact, that I am a comparatively young girl, I've seen many strange things in my lifetime. Yes, I've even seen a bus run into a truck full of live chickens, and the result was sheer beauty compared to what my eyes are now trying to tell me. There stands Irma in front of the mirror admiring herself. Her petite figure is completely draped in a strange sort of fur that can best be described as resembling heavy mildew. Nothing is visible above the shaggy collar except the back of her little blonde head. And the entire picture reminds one of an abandoned egg in an old nest. To add to this deathless picture, the electric fan is on and the fur is flying all over the room. For a moment, I have a terrible sensation that Irma is being plucked. But I must have been warped completely out of focus because she turned away from the mirror triumphantly and said, well, Jane, have you ever seen anything like it in your life? How do you like it? Lovely! When can you take it back? Well, first of all, honey, it's much too big. I know, but the man said after it's washed, it will shrink. It's not even fur, it's shedding all over the place. Well, that's the kind of animal it is. The man said it loses its fur in the summer, but it will go back in the fall. You say you've been swindled. How can you say that when it only paid $80 for a genuine mink-dyed squirrel-colored caracal beaver? Honey, that many animals haven't gotten together since they walked into Noah's Ark. Besides, where did you get the $80, Irma? Jane, I... Oh, no, sweetie, you didn't use your half of our vacation money. Yes, I did, Jane, but you can go away by yourself. Oh, Irma, you know I wouldn't go on a vacation to the Thousand Islands without you. How could you do a thing like this without consulting me? Well, Jane, I wanted a fur coat because you have a nice fur coat. Well, I know, honey, but I made certain I got a good one. It took me three years to save $400 so I could get a good Persian lamb. I want you to have a good coat, too, but how could you buy that decomposed haystack? Well, I wanted to have something extra nice to wear when I go out with Al. Oh, Al. Al. For the life of me, I don't even know why you go with him. He has no job, no money, no clothes, no car, no prospects, and no future. I know, but I have to stick by him in case things get tough. How to take the coat back. Hiya, chicken. First time you've called Irma chicken that she was dressed for the occasion. What's up? Al, Irma bought a new coat on Second Avenue. Oh, is that what it is? I never seen fur like that. Why, when I first walked in, I thought she was tarred and feathered. Chicken, how could you buy it? I think you've been swindled. Oh, no, I got a 30-day guarantee. Oh, what's it say? Well, I didn't have a chance to open it. I'll read it now. Well, I'm glad to know you were smart enough to ask for a guarantee. Read it, baby. A 30-day guarantee. We guarantee that June has 30 days. Does he even put that in writing? Everybody, tell me. Say, Jane, does Mrs. O'Reilly know about this? What? You're keeping a dead grizzly bear in the apartment? Mr. Kropotkin, that's Irma. She bought it for a coat. Irma, why didn't you ask me? From far as I know. Animals like that I have never seen. In the woods? Could be. If I look like that, I will hide, too. Irma, darling, don't wear it. You'll be risking your life. What do you mean? If you put it on, you'll go outside. A dog will chase you up a tree. Professor, you'd think she'd know better. I've told her a dozen times if she wants to shop to use my charge account. After all, that's what a charge account is for, to send things back. And 2nd Avenue, a ball place. Even the cops are afraid to shop there. 2nd Avenue, what they did to me, I remember I just came off the boat. I went to 2nd Avenue for a suit. They sold me red pants and a blue jacket. Well, you couldn't wear that. Of course not. Olga had a white dress. When we walked down the street, everybody's eluded. But Crepatkin, they can't fool. I said, gentlemen, this is one monkey you don't give the business to. I may be a foreigner, but I know what they're wearing. I demand satisfaction. Did you get it? Certainly. Have you seen my purple sports jacket with the yellow sneaker jacket? Stand on. Will Erma, my personal feeling is that you got taken advantage of. But that's the tragedy of life. Goodbye. Gee, Professor Prokopkin didn't like the coat either. Yeah, I know, honey, but that's why we have to get your money back, you see. I realize that there are some very legitimate stores on 2nd Avenue. You just happen to have gotten stung. Now, what was the name of the store where you bought this glorified throw rug? Boothbees. Square deal Boothbees. It's an established firm. See, it says on the box, established June 1947. What time? Oh, Jane, I don't know what you're driving at because I know that Mr. Boothby is honest. When I gave him the money, he didn't even ask for a receipt. Erma, you've been swindled. But I know who'll get his action on this. Come on, Erma. Come on, Al. It's a better business bureau. We've got on the trolley. Al, myself and Erma with the coat on her arm. At first, the trolley was crowded. Presently, the rays of the sun beating down on the furs seem to cause a strange chemical reaction and pretty soon we had the trolley to ourselves. We were completely alone except for the motorman who insisted on driving with his head out of the window. All in all, it was a great day for the bus lines. Presently, we arrived at the offices of the Better Business Bureau. All right, chicken. There's the bureau. Now, you know what to tell him. Well, Jane, maybe you better rehearse me again. All right, honey, now listen. You just go in and you tell him that this man, Boothby, sold you a decrepit, moth-eaten coat and you want him brought to the attention of the police as it is too awful to walk down the street in. Got it? Got it. You also, chicken, tell him you are a working girl and a citizen and cannot afford to pay for a coat whose hair is already fallen out. Got it? Got it. Yeah, now don't get excited. Let's go in. What can I do for you, miss? This man, Boothby, sold me a fur coat that is worthless and too awful for a working girl who's decrepit and moth-eaten. What? Citizen and my hair is falling out. Down the street, I don't get any attention from the police. Chicken, please. You see, the kid's a little confused. I'll explain it to you straight so you'll understand. The doll here was anchoring down Second Avenue eyeing the what-gives-and-the-windows and she had snatched away 80 clams for the high ups. When there's con merchant, he's her an old clip and jolts of her four double saw-bucks. You got it? Is there anyone in the crowd who speaks English? Well, I'm not so sure, but I'll try. You see, my roommate, Miss Peterson, bought this coat on Second Avenue for $80 and I think it's a disgrace and I want you to do something about it. Let me see that coat. I've never seen a fur like this before. Well, there's no need for further discussion. We'll put a man on the case and you take the coat back to Boothby's and get your money back. You tell him we're investigating him. Oh, thank you, sir. I don't know how to repay you. Are you allowed to take tips? No, thanks. Well, there must be something I can do. Have you any children? Yes. Good, I'll send you a card on Father's Day. Bless you. Next? Irma, there's the door. Let's tiptoe out. Hurry, chicken. You can grab that trolley and take the coat back. I'd go with you, but I got a big deal brewing. Well, see you later. All right, Al, so long. Gee, I don't know. Maybe I should go with you, honey. Oh, no, Jane, don't worry. I'll get every penny of that $80 and we'll be able to go on our vacation like we planned. Good, but honey, don't take a check. Think I'm a fool? I'll insist on cash, three tens and two fives. Irma, that's 40. Get 80. Oh, all right. And if I need a witness, I'll have his brother count it. I was in the apartment waiting for Irma to return. Presently, Al returned. He had a new business proposition, painting pigeons and selling them for pheasants. Well, naturally, I wasn't interested. I was waiting for Irma to come home with the $80. Presently, the door slowly opened. It was Irma. Hello, Irma. Hello, Jane. Well, honey, I see you got rid of the coat. Yes, I did. Did Mr. Booth give you back your $80? No, he couldn't. Why not? I lost the coat. Chicken, huh? Oh, I don't know. I had so many, so many things on my head and I forgot it left it on the trolley when I got all, oh, Irma, how could you? That's right. Two of you pick on me. Did I do a crime? Haven't either of you ever been absent-minded? Well, yes, honey, but how long can you be absent? Now, now, now, wait a minute. Let's not pick on Irma. It could have happened to anybody. It's just that we're in bad shape because the Better Business Bureau fixed things up for us. Now we haven't got the coat to return. Oh, instead of fighting among ourselves, Al called up the Lost and Found Department of the trolley company. No good. Never get service over a phone. Only one thing to do. We go down to the car barn and first the trolleys as they come in. What, chicken? Have you lost faith in me? Oh, no, baby, people make mistakes. They're human beings. And you're entitled to the same consideration. I'm glad you said that, Al, because I couldn't let a man love me who hated the sight of me. Well, now I think I know why Romeo and Juliet killed themselves. Come on, let's get going. I don't know how to describe it. Do you ever spend a warm, languid June evening under a full moon at midnight in a car barn? You haven't? My friend's life has passed you by. Words can never capture the true color of the scene. Red trolley's going out, green trolley's coming in, and once in a while for a shocker, they sneak in a yellow one. But Irma's coat must be found. Al? Yes, Jane. Any trace of the coat? Not even a wick. Oh. We've been here two hours, and my feet are just killing me. Irma, think. Can you remember the number of the trolley? No, I can't. But now I know why. Why? It wasn't a trolley, it was a bus. All right, I'll take an adrenaline or something. And time is a great healer. We're home again, a little shaken by Irma's admission. It's after midnight, and there's just no point in going to the bus terminal because I know that after we're there for a few hours, Irma'll turn to me and say, you know, Jane, it wasn't a bus. It was a ferry boat. But as ridiculous as it sounds, Al has come up with the one solution. Kids, I got it. We'll put an ad in the paper. Where's the pencil? Oh, here. Lost. One fur-bearing coat. Well, you better describe it. The papers wouldn't print it. Please, I'm trying to write the ad. Lost. One fur coat on bus. Well, you hurry, Alice. It's got to make the morning addition. Okay. Lost. Fur coat. Fantastic reward. Al, fantastic must mean at least $20. Gotcha. Lost. Fur coat. Liberal reward. Well, that means money, too. Gotcha. Lost. Fur coat. Honesty is the best policy. Just save reward. Got it all. Return to Irma Peterson, 8224 West 73rd Street. I'll get it right to the paper. Well, now, Al, if you'll excuse me, I'll say good night to the both of you and go to bed. I'm rather exhausted. This entire day and night is something I'll look back on and laugh rather hysterically about, you know. Good night. Oh, good night and sleep well, Jane. Good night, Jane. Uh, see me to the door, chicken. Sure, Al. Al, do you think somebody will read the ad in the paper and return the coat? Why, Sidney, honey, you'll have it in the morning. Well, good night, chicken. Aren't you going to kiss me? Oh, sure. Here. Tia, when you kiss me, I lose all my senses. Look, chicken, don't go pinning no wrap on me. Good night. And now, but my friend Irma, it's the sportsman quartet with Lud Bluskin and his orchestra and their novel arrangement of My Adobe Hacienda. Far below the Mexican border Where the sangorifters grow beneath the moon I think There's a bold and dashing buckero And every night you'll hear him croon I think In my Adobe Hacienda There's a merry-go-round Who's lovelier than orkey Rooming in the ferry of I think Of desert stars and the storm of guitars Make every evening seem so sweet I think In my Adobe Hacienda Life and love are more co- Tee-pee-pee-pee-ding More complete You think so? Yes, I think In my Adobe Hacienda There's a bold and dashing buckero And every night you'll hear him croon I think In my Adobe Hacienda Life and love are more co- Tee-pee-pee-ding I want to go back to my little Adobe Hacienda In Mexico City Where life and love are more co- Tee-pee-pee-ding More complete You think so? Yes, I think Life and love are more co- Tee-pee-pee-ding More complete You think so? Yes, I think The following morning I wasn't due at work until 9.30 so I waited around to see if anyone answered the ad about Irma's lost coat. I was sure if anyone found the coat we were bound to get it back because nobody in their right mind would keep it. Answer the door honey. It may be someone returning the coat. Oh, all right. Oh, I better get the reward. Why are those cookies I baked? Irma, this calls for a reward, not a penalty. Come in. I'm Mrs. Louise Cartwright. In my daily scrutiny of the newspaper's eye chance to cross your advertisement and it may solve my dilemma. What do you mean? Yesterday I was cruising down Madison Avenue in our open town car. I find it so much easier to dot in and out of traffic with the small car when suddenly something came flying into the car and landed prone on my dear husband and for moments he was loathed to part with it because it was the first time in years he had hair on his head. Here it is and it's been quite an experience. There's a $10 reward. Oh, my dear, I don't need the money but I have a suggestion. Why don't you give it to some worthy charity like the Park Avenue Kennel Club for the Preservation of Underfed French Poodles? You know, wonderful work they are doing and every little bit feels good day. Oh Jane, isn't it wonderful? I've got my coat back and now I'm going right down and get my $80. Hello. Oh, yes. Better business bureau. Yes. We have the coat and we... What? Oh, no. I see. Well, thanks. Irma, the coat is yours. It keeps. Mr. Boothby has left town and the police are after him with a warrant for swindling a hundred people. What a stupid businessman. That's no way to build up goodwill. You know what this means, Irma? No $80. No vacation. Well, Jane, you can go. Oh, honey, I told you I wouldn't go without you. Hiya, chicken. What's up, Jane? I'm late for work, Al. Irma will tell you. Irma, when you hang that coat up, keep it away from my Persian lamb. I don't want my coat to catch the mange. I'll be seeing you. Chicken, what happened? Oh, Al, Boothby left town. Oh, well, don't cry, chicken. There's only one guy who can help. Who, Al? Who but... Hello, Joe. Al, got a fur coat to get rid of. Eh? Is it hot? Well, frankly, it's not so hot. You bought it on 2nd Avenue. Now don't hang up, Joe. How can I get 80 bucks for this coat? Eh? Put 40 in each pocket. Joe, this is an emergency. What can we do? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Gotcha. Thanks, Joe. Chicken, our problem is solved. Well, how? We raffle off the coat by selling tickets around the neighborhood at a buck a throw. Well, is that honest? Of course, chicken. No matter how you look at it, this coat is worth a buck. Even if you only hang it in the wind, it'll frighten off prowlers. Now, listen to me, Irma. We print 120 tickets, get back our 80, give 40 to charity. You know that orphanage down the street. How about that? Oh, gee, Al, that'll be sweet giving our money to charity. I like that. Chicken, we're clicking now. Gotta print the tickets. Where's that pencil? Well, Al, would Jane think it's all right? Honey, you know the faith Jane has in us. You know what she thinks about the two of us. Yes, I know. Well, here's the pencil anyhow, Al. I like to live dangerously. Now, monster raffle. Well, Al, do you think we ought to describe the coat in the first line? Get your point. Scratch out the monster. Make it grand raffle. Attention, men. Does your wife always talk about a fur coat? Take a chance on this one. It will leave her speechless. A genuine, mink-dyed, squirrel-colored, caracal beaver. Figure it out, men. You can't go wrong at two bits an animal. Got it? Got it. Now, come in. Irma, keep printing the tickets. Oh, hello, Capotkin. How would you like to buy a ticket for a raffle? Oh, yes, Professor. Please take one. This raffle is to get rid of my coat. Oh, your coat, Irma. Who is sponsoring this raffle, the Board of Health? Professor, part of this money is for charity. Remember, it's better to give than receive. I agree with you. A coat like that is better to give than receive. But, Irma, if it will help you get back your money, I'll buy one. Yeah, thanks, but we also want you to sell some. So you take 30, I'll sell 30, Mrs O'Reilly will take 30, and Irma will sell 30. How can I sell 30? I haven't got that many enemies. Sell them to your friends and end the shortage. Then, tomorrow, the four of us meet and we have the grand drawing. Not back home, I was just deliriously happy at the prospect of the wonderful summer that Irma had made possible for us. Yeah, I can just see the two of us. Me and my Persian lamb and Irma and that Australian sheepdog. Wafting the cool breezes under the 3rd Avenue L. How do you do, you remember me? Oh, yes, you're Mr Gerard of the Better Business Bureau. That's right. I know you'll be glad to know that we've located Square Deal Boothby. We found him in Newark and we plan to take action against him. Oh, that's fine. Now, we need that coat for evidence. We've been trying to nail this Boothby for a long time, so we'll gladly pay you what you paid for the coat. Here, here's $80. This just solves everything. Here's the coat, Mr Gerard. Thank you. Good heavens, it's still shedding. Yeah, you better hurry. By the time you get to Newark, you'll have nothing but the lining. Goodbye. Well, chicken, it's been a pretty tough day, but we did it. All tickets are sold and I've already told the orphanage. Now, let's go in and break the good news to Jay. Hello, Jane. I have wonderful news for you. Oh, I've got wonderful news for you, too, honey. So let me tell mine first. All right, ladies first. Thank you. Well, our problems are over. We just sold that terrible coat to the better business bureau for $80. Isn't that a lucky break? Who? Hying about. Tell her, chicken. Gentlemen first. Okay. Jane, we've got to have that coat. I don't understand. We're raffling it off in 10 minutes. Sold 120 chances, giving 40 bucks to an orphanage. Oh, no. Who bought the tickets? All our neighbors and the policemen on the beat. Oh, the police. Well, Jane, we could still hammer our raffle if we could only lay our hands on a coat. Well, kids, there's only one thing to do. You'll have to raffle off my Persian lamb coat. Oh, but Jane, it's your good coat. It took you three years to buy it. I know it, honey, but I'd rather be covered with respect than with Persian lamb. Oh, thanks, Janey, but there ain't no need to do that. Tell you what we'll do. Irma and me will go out and return all the money and explain that the raffle was called off because the coat was perishable and it died before we could get it here. The orphanage still gets the $40 that you promised him. Oh, but that means we'll only save half our vacation money. Well, it can't be helped, honey. A promise is a promise. Jane? Yeah. We can still go to the 1,000 islands on half our money. How? We'll only visit 500 of them. I got home late that night from returning the raffle money and she was very excited. She said, Jane? Yeah? Guess what happened the oddest coincidence? I met Mr. Boothby and he looked just wonderful and a beard. Irma, the police of two states are looking for Mr. Boothby. How were you able to recognize him, especially if he was wearing a beard? Oh, it was easy. I can spot a faker now. He was selling wrist watches for a dollar. Oh, yeah. Still trying to fool the people, is he? Yes, worse than ever. Look, this watch he sold me doesn't even glow in the dark. And that's how it's been and I think how it's always going to be with my friend Irma. And Irma was produced and directed by Cy Howard. The night script was written by Cy Howard, Mark Levy and Stanley Adams. Remember, next week, instead of dialing your telephone to listen to your best friend, dial your radio to this same Columbia station same time to listen to my friend Irma. Starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane with John Brown as Al. Professor Kropotkin was played by Hans Connery. Also appearing in tonight's cast were Irene Tedrow, Alan Reed and Terry O'Sullivan. Music was by the sportsman for Tantan Ludbluston and his orchestra, Laurie Webster speaking. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.