As much as I love multi-culturalism, I thought it was a good time to celebrate the ancient and moving tradition that is British Christmas... with its arguments, bad presents, frozen turkey, blocked toilets and crap telly...
song by Vin Goodwin - www.soundcloud.com/vingoodwin If you ever want to perform this song, please feel free but credit me, video it and let me see!
LYRICS: British Christmas Song! Ding dong chimes It's Christmas Time A special day for the Brits Full of cheer And home-brew beer Carols that get on your tits till new yr
At home with the kids They've been up since six Everybody plays Ker-Plunk Granny's on the sherry And gets very, very, very Very, very, very, very drunk.
Presents by the tree What a sight to see Santa put them there last night. Kids are so excited Till the Christmas tree ignited I wish I hadn't bought cheap lights (from Kwik-Save)
When the tree's less hot We unwrapped what we got Fire burnt the labels so who they're from we know not. One from Gran we hope "Brut" soap on a rope I got the game frustration But I'm not sure I can cope!
Auntie's in tears Been grateful for years for a walnut and a tangerine Grand dad's thrilled with his bottle of pils And a month's supply of Germolene
What a shock, I got socks And a jumper that is way too long Who round here Had the bright idea Of hankies with initials on?
Mum's perfume Kills flies in the room And blinds the cat - oh dear When Johnny tells Mum her Charlie smells He gets a clip round the ear.
Dad's all hype With his brand new pipe But he doesn't even smoke, oh well He managed to singe Off part of his fringe And it's giving off a funny smell.
Dinner time is near Biggest of the year Try stuffing so much food in Till its comes out of our ears The table is too small We have four chairs, that's all Mum looks a fool on a high up stool And I sit on the big Beach Ball.
The Tesco shop Was such a flop There's nothing like a panic buy. With a trolley, rush about Grab at least a ton of sprouts Like the end of the world is nigh.
Frozen to the core Turkey isn't thawed Ahead, we never thought to plan. Forgot the cranberry But we found some glace cherries And mixed them up with strawb'ry jam. (It's the same thing)
Carrots chopped Turnips topped But sprouts we do not rush On the boil they've been since Halloween So they're liitle green balls of mush
Ate our meal Now fat we feel Granny's being sick. Such a hoot Playing Trivial Pursuit Coz everybody is so thick (with the answers)
With a full belly We see what's on the telly We hope there's something new But of course It's the Wizard of Oz And an episode of Dr Who (Tom Baker)
It won't be long Before James Bond's on The one where he hangs off a train Roger Moore's Acting is quite poor But his eyebrows keep us entertained.
Christmas tea Oh what will it be? Turkey sandwiches if you please Cabbage (red) and sliced white bread Piccalilli and a lump of cheese.
Stuffing cold Sausage rolls There's nothing we won't scoff We'll even try Those cheap pork pies If the yukky jelly is picked off.
Eat Roses from a tin Till you can't fit one more in Granddad blocks the toilet It's the fourteenth time he's been. It's really time for bed We doze on the sofa instead Granny sleeps in a sleep so deep We poke her coz we think she's dead.
Oh what a lovely day Raise a glass of Mateus Rose There really is nothing quite like the British Christmas way Such a lovely day, Lets all shout "hooray!" There really is nothing quite like A BRITISH CHRISTMAS DAY!