 Hi everybody, welcome back to our podcast the Kamasutra helpline. I am Seema Anand. I'm the Kamasutra expert and with me Of course is Dr. Anritha Madan Bihal, psychosexual therapist as well as a relationship counsellor. And with that today You have a really fascinating question for us. Don't you? I do I do This is from a 16 year old boy from India. He writes that I'm writing this email from my father's email I'm writing this email to get an answer to a question regarding my sexuality and fetish Since childhood, I have a fetish about men's pot bellies since class 7 I have a recurrent bad habit of masturbating to videos of men bloating their bellies and gaining weight However, I have never been aroused by any of my male friends in school or any good-looking male film stars I have crushes on girls, but I'm not aroused by them. This creates a dilemma in me about my sexuality I've asked my parents many times about this, but they have no answer So I decided to ask qualified experts about my problem I saw your video about fetishes in Seema Anand's YouTube channel and I would love a response to my question Under what a fascinating question I mean, there are so many things that are coming into my head that I want to talk to you about but before we actually Start there are three things that I'd like to say one is that yes, you and I have done a lot of work on fetishes And in recent weeks, I've been talking about some of the more unusual fetishes I find that because they're unusual because they're so out to the box It doesn't go down very well with people People are very judgmental about anything that is outside of their understanding They don't get it and they react really badly to it. So I think people who go through This kind of kink shaming for what they like and a fetish is simply how you feel pleasure You've said many times a fetish has got nothing to do with your sexuality So I think a lot of people don't want to be open about their fetishes because they feel they're going to be kink shamed And we're going to talk a little bit more about that. I want to just say that You know, it's I don't think I've ever come across anybody else who's ever had a thing about a man's pot belly And it just goes to show we've always said that there is somebody for everybody out there in the world And so yeah, there's obviously a room for excitement for a man's pot belly Which is fascinating even for me because I haven't come across this but to come to the question Let me just break it down very quickly So that we know what we're answering. So this young man says that he's turned on by the sight of Men's pot bellies. He masturbates to the idea of the pot belly of a male He doesn't find himself being turned on or being sexually aroused by any guys Whether good-looking or other guys who are in his class that he's not turned on by any guys Plus he's not turned on by any girls in his class Either and now he's wondering about his sexuality Do you want to sort of run us through this to start with because I think that it's fascinating that He's not actually attracted to either side. He just says that the idea of the pot belly is what turns him on Yeah, and and I and I really I thought this was such an interesting question from a 16 year old and I just want to say get go I'm really amazed that his parents are involved like he used his father's email address to write to us And I really as in I'm really proud of these parents because they're obviously allowing a dialogue with him and not shaming him About this dialogue. So, you know, just want to start with a shout-out to the parents and this young man But what I will say is that I think what happens is that we are preconditioned In society from a very young age that this is how we're going to figure out our sexuality, you know Who do we sexually like? How does it work? And but more problematic is that we are preconditioned to say just because say we like one thing like oh, I I liked kissing a boy that means you're gay So now you're in the you know You're in the box that says you're gay or I actually had an experimental night with a girl or I touched a girl You know I was in the class and I brushed against a girl and I touched her breasts and it felt really exciting Am I a lesbian? So and what I love about today's generation and the today's time is that there seems to be room to say Let it roll out, you know, let it play out in some ways Different experiences will teach us different things about our sexuality Sexuality is something that is fluid. It's changing and it's okay that it is fluid and it's changing So my first thing to this young boy would be, you know, it's very easy to say Fetish of male potbellies. So that means I'm gay and that is not it's not actually an equals to in any way Fetish is something that you feel aroused by And it's interesting that you get aroused by men's potbellies But you have figured there is this is one thing that arouses you and obviously we can break it down into what might have happened to arouse you with it But that's not what we're here discussing So just to distinguish between is it's wonderful that you have figured out what you know arouses you and what gives you pleasure What you are figuring out and I'm sure you will get the answer sometime Is to understand what your sexuality is. Do you like men? Do you like women? Do you like both? Do you like neither? So though at that question, I think is yet to be answered and I would just You know just suggest and advise to be open for whatever comes through rather than, you know, put yourself in a box I also want to add over here that you know, even if there is something particularly that turns you on It doesn't mean like you said that it's the only thing that's going to turn you on But also it doesn't mean that that's the thing that's going to take that pleasure through to the end So it might be your turn on point It could be that what you really want is to be with a female partner But that your first bit of arousal will come from this and as you get older You explore your mind your sexuality you explore other things and as you widen your horizons You'll find other things that turn you on as well. Do you think that's a possibility? and you know, I think that's such an amazing thing because What I would say to that is I think, you know media always feeds us A sexualized or something to be aroused by is a woman's body, right? So I would say so many women and men Get sexually aroused by looking at a woman's naked body because that's what we've been fed as prompts to get aroused You know, so of course we can go into the political debate about it But I think that's very true But does it mean that just because we See a woman's naked body and feel aroused by it or you know, a woman's body and feel aroused by it that be a lesbian We could be we could be on the continuum somewhere But that's absolutely right that There are there are things that you know, I think it's like our body remembers or it just touches something in us And suddenly that's sexual light bulb just switches on and that's what you're talking about like there are images Experience emotions touch and it just switches on the thing. But just because we have you know, it switched on Doesn't mean it will stay switched on and actually, you know, continue forever So I think we do need to work on the next steps as well But yeah fetishes are a good way to switch on something I think also you're right that your sexuality can be quite fluid depending on your experiences I think your basic understanding of Which way you swing And like you said most of us are somewhere on that spectrum on that continuum We could go in either direction I think I mean, I've always thought that your intrinsic idea of your sexuality Is always quite firm. But do you believe that depending on certain circumstances? You can actually go from one side to the other like you could Be different in your sexuality Absolutely as in so I've shared the story Before one of my closest friends when I met her was queer She introduced herself and she said she was queer and she spoke about a lesbian ex-partner And I said oh so in my head, you know, my Indian Just new head and limited perspectives. I put her in the box of being a lesbian She subsequently kept talking about the flatmate she had and how good looking he was and how attractive she was to him and I kept, you know feeling so confused in that moment because I kept thinking But she said she had the girlfriend Now she's being attracted to this man like what's going on But you know, she said she was queer like this is really confusing and from her I learned The fluidity of sexuality, you know It doesn't That you can be attracted to both people It doesn't mean that her identity became heterosexual just because she was interested in a man She was still queer because she at any point could have chosen and said oh actually today I met this woman and I'm madly in love with her and she might have been in a long-term relationship with the man So it's something that shifts and moves And people are more and more and this is what we talk about gender as well now that these are all socially constructed ideas and I know people like start criticizing this thing about people changing it However, you know the reality is if we don't put ourselves in the box and we keep allowing it most of us Most of us actually will feel this way most of us will be open to feeling like the young man said I have crushes on girls, right? So emotionally He does get attracted to girls not aroused right now by them But emotionally he has crushes and maybe tomorrow He will find a pot-bellied man in college and fall madly in love with him So I would just love the world to give room to everything that comes in some ways So if you were advising him or his question to you was that he is confused about his sexuality He doesn't know How to think of it. He doesn't know where to look To um to understand how he feels because I'm sure the way that he feels sets him aside from everybody else in his class like I said, I don't think that I've come across anybody else with this particular crush Lots of other unusual things, but not this particular one. So I'm sure it sets him apart from everybody else Like if you were advising him, what is the first thing you would say to him? I would say to him that he should stay completely open to experiences You know, I think what's happened in this case is that he figured out something that aroused him And I just I didn't like the word bad habit of masturbating. Masturbating is completely fine and okay So it's not a bad habit And and just because he masturbated to pot-bellied or you know, bigger men He felt that he must be gay or he might be gay. He started questioning it And which is true. He might be as in that's not to say he might not be However, he did the right thing to say, okay, this speaks me. I'm started questioning You know, a lot of people are questioning. So he started his questioning phase And in response, he didn't get an answer. He didn't get an answer from other men or boys in his school from film stars But he also didn't get an answer from the girls So I think he is in this questioning phase and it's okay to be in this questioning phase I would just say be open to both, you know, experiences and ideas Maybe you've just not come across somebody you feel aroused or attracted by And maybe that person will come subsequently but don't In the questioning phase, what's important is to not close off You know, any doors like it's very easy to say this is going to be a tougher way to go Let me just choose to be heterosexual or this is the more popular way to go. So let me read this I think what's important is to be true to yourself and be authentic to yourself and just Allow things to open And and it's okay to be questioning and that's perfectly legit and okay to just be in the phase of questioning So I think what you're saying is that don't judge yourself for how you feel Um feelings come and feelings go and when you talk about saying that you're masturbating to something We've often said that how you masturbate what goes on through your head What brings you to pleasure And I think for most people masturbation also has to be linked to A specific person like sometimes you need to visualize a person In a particular situation For the masturbation to be successful, you know, for it to be good for it to be fulfilling So I think um What you're saying is don't judge yourself. Don't call it a bad habit. Don't say oh I'm masturbating to this and that's a bad habit that I've gotten into Yes, I think that once you fall into a habit of a particular thing It can be very difficult to change how you feel leisure afterwards If that's all you stay in so if I was going to give that bit of advice, I'd say Enjoy your masturbation to whatever image comes into your head But maybe also start exploring some other images so that You can understand for yourself that there is more to explore and there's more out there I think um, I find this a lot with Young girls who say that they've always masturbated by squeezing their legs together And I've said often that certainly in India where We don't have the chance to explore our sexuality in many different ways You stick to doing that because it's like a nice secret quiet way of masturbating It's just that secret way of nobody knows you're doing it. So it's like a safe way of doing it and You continue doing it for so long that that's the habit that you fall into And there are so many girls who now can't Ever orgasm with their legs open because they've got used to just doing it in that one way So although it's very pleasurable. It's fantastic. It's easy. It's quick. It's really really Exciting because it also is very pleasurable I think it's also good to explore other things just to keep your own options open And and I think what's important about that is that When we're young and we have just started masturbating or a recent The quickness of it or the easiness of it becomes really important because it feels like, okay, you know I can do this and this I know is a short short way of me getting aroused masturbating coming done, you know, it's not something I'm not sure how many young people really savor it and enjoy it and things like that So what I think you're suggesting is that yes, it's easy and yes, it's a great go-to But when you have the time and if you have the time Explore other go-tos because then that will just it's just expanding what gives you pleasure You know, it just increases what gives you pleasure Potbellies is one thing And what I was thinking when you kept saying about, you know, that's an interesting fetish I think it's very similar to some people being very attracted to big women And you know how we say all the time when people are talking about Bodies and body shaming and everything that there's so many times that we've heard men say that they actually prefer bigger women Than otherwise. So it is such a personal choice And there is always somebody for someone out there. Yeah, I mean there are fetishes as you know, which go from The scatological, you know, where you're turned on. We want to play with your partner's poo. You want to play with that pee There are things that turn different people on there is There's no limit to the human imagination and what turns you on and that doesn't necessarily make you weird or Unsafe to be around as a matter of fact, if you understand what turns you on in your head And that's what you're doing to pleasure yourself. I think that That's the first step to being a really stable human being just understanding What gives you pleasure and understanding how to go to it I think um, one of the things that I would like to add over here is that When we talk about our pleasure when we talk about masturbating or we talk about how to Bring ourselves to arousal You know with girls particularly we are now starting to teach women or girls That masturbation should be done really slowly. So we're when we talk about this because you know for the longest time Women's pleasure has been so taboo So women are only now coming into this area of being able to pleasure themselves And we go out of our way to say to them take your time Give yourself the space make sure that it's a nice comfortable safe clean space Um, make sure that you have the chance to explore your body. We're really going out of our way to say Give yourself the time and the space and do it slowly. And like you said you use the word savor it with boys I feel that there aren't enough male sexual health experts and there isn't enough advice being given to boys to say Savor it do it slowly most guys do it Literally very very quickly one because they don't want to get caught and Two because they feel that the quicker they get it over with the quicker It's kind of done and they can move on with life So they're not looking at it as a thing of pleasure. They're looking at it as something of necessity Yeah, and you know, we also say the symbolism of where you do it It's a lot of time young boys tend to do it in bathrooms. They do it, you know quickly It's what's romantic in doing it in the pot. Like, you know, there's nothing romantic about that Or pleasure, you know, so it might be pleasurable But as in that is and so to be fair like They're limited choices as well and we have to appreciate that that they're limited spaces sometimes that young people That, you know, can go in masturbate. So if that's the best option that is the best option However, if you do get the chance and opportunity and you can do it You know slowly thinking imagining things rather than using porn and You know, really understanding your body and your pleasure Then it is something thinking about it. Just thinking about it Like you're imagining what arouses you what comes up what emotions there It is definitely way beneficial for your relationships When you actually start having sex with your partner Then the quickness of it, you know, watching porn coming quickly finishing it off quickly and everything That tends to impact us and there's a lot of research now on how that tends to impact sexual relationships and later life With partners. Yeah, so I think What I would like to say in closing is that Thank you so much for writing this question into us. Thank you for being brave enough And I think like you said a big thank you to the parents for allowing this child to be brave enough to ask Rather than being shame being shut down being told that you can't talk about this. You're too young Actually allowing him to explore this so that it gives him a better chance for his own emotional stability as he goes further We hope that we at least put your mind at rest a little bit by saying that There is nothing unusual in what you're doing. If you haven't figured out your sexuality just now It is absolutely okay. This doesn't make you gay or not gay It doesn't put you in any box You have a lifetime ahead of trying to figure out Who it is that you're going to be attracted to and how you're going to be attracted to them and With the kind of support that you seem to have I think you will be fine whichever way you decide to go So as far as your fetish is concerned It's fine. People have lots of different fetishes. Go with your fetish. Enjoy it Do start to explore a couple of different ways of bringing yourself to pleasure in your mind Just actually have a little exploration because I mean how much fun is that under the being given permission to say Go explore in your head. What else might turn you on you might be surprised And finally that your sexuality is not something that you have to have to tick a box for right now You have time. Yeah, and and really just adding to that. I think What would be key in this process is to be open and not to judge yourself like I think I'll stay away from words like bad habit You know, there seem to be a you know, I hope there is no judgment on being attracted to potbelly so What I would just add to that is just that stay away from judgment Be open and honest the more open and honest you can be about your experiences and what you like and dislike The more authentic you will be with your sexuality And that I think really helps in the long term in your life So good luck with figuring it out and I hope this video was helpful and we were able To answer some of your questions that you were struggling with. Yeah, some of the doubts. Hopefully yes If you found this video helpful useful as always, please do like comments subscribe If you have any questions to ask I am on info dot sima dot anand at gmail.com And if you are seeking a consultation, you have unvita on unvita dot madhan behel at gmail.com But as always, of course the details will be in the caption below do write into us and as always Till we meet again. Take care of yourselves. We will see you here soon