 CHAPTER 1 WOMEN'S IDEAL MAN I suppose there was never yet a woman who had not somewhere set up on a pedestal in her brain an ideal of manhood. He is by no means immutable, this paragon. On the contrary, he changes very often. If however the woman whose ideal he is grows upward in every way as she grows older, then these changes all go to improve him, and by the time he is finished he is a very fine creature. He never is finished till the brain of his creator seizes to work, till she has added her last touch to him, and has laid down the burden of life and gone elsewhere, perhaps to some happy land where ideals are more frequently realised than ever happens here. Like every other woman I have my ideal of manhood. The difficulty is to describe it. First of all he must be a gentleman, but that means so much that it in its turn requires explanation. Gentleness and moral strengths combined must be the salient characteristics of the gentleman, together with that polish that is never acquired but in one way, constant association with those so happily placed that they have enjoyed the influences of education and refinement all through their lives. He must be thoughtful for others, kind to women and children and all helpless things, tender-hearted to the old and the poor and the unhappy, but never foolishly weak in giving where gifts do harm instead of good. His brain must be as fine as his heart in fact. There are few such men, but they do exist, I know one or two, reliable as rocks, judicious in every action, dependable in trifles as well as the large affairs of life, full of mercy and kindness to others, affectionate and well-loved in their homes, their lives are pure and kindly. It was once said by a clever man that no one could be a gentleman all round who had not knocked about the world and associated with all sorts and conditions of men, high and low, rich and poor, good and bad. Experiences like these are like the processes for refining gold. The man who emerges unharmed from the fire of poverty and its associations, and who retains his independent manliness in relations with those high-placed, must have within him a fibre of strength that is the true essence of manliness. So many, alas, go down, down, when worth it cold, touches them with her terrible, chilly finger, and so many become obsequious and subservient, false to themselves in dealing with those above them. Well, my ideal does neither. He is always true to himself, and cannot then be false to any man, and he must have a sense of humour too, otherwise he would be far from perfect. How life is brightened by a sense of fun! Think of what breakfast, lunch, and dinner would be if all were to be as solemn and as serious as some folk would have it. If good manners are not practised at home, but are allowed to lie by until occasion calls upon their wearer to assume them, they are sure to be a bad fit when dawned. It may be a trifle of the smallest to acquire a habit of saying, if you please, and thank you, readily, but it is no trifling defect in a young man to fail to do so. If he does not jump up to open the door for his mother or sister, he may omit to do so some day when the neglect will tell against him in the estimation of those to please, whom he would gladly give much. Appearance in dress and personal appearance amount to bad manners. In the home there is sometimes a disagreeable negligence in this respect. At the breakfast table unkempt hair, untended fingernails, and a far from immaculate colour are occasionally to be seen, especially on latecomers who do not practise the ingratiating politeness of punctuality. Lounging, untidy habits are another form of bad manners. The ill-bred young man smokes all over the house, upstairs and downstairs, and even in his mother's drawing-room. He may be traced from room to room by the litter of newspapers and magazines he leaves behind him. The present fashion of taking one's reading in pills, so to speak, snatching it in scrappy paragraphs from weekly miscellanies, is but too favourable to this lack of order. In this young man's own room there is chaos. The maids have endless trouble in clearing up after him. His tobacco is spilled over tables, chairs, and carpets. His handkerchiefs, ties, socks, and colours are lying about in every corner of the room. He is too indolent even to put his boots outside the door at night that they may be cleaned in the morning. To save himself trouble he bangs all the doors instead of gently latching them. And yet, perhaps, if he could but realise that all this is bad manners, he would become as neat as he is now to reverse, and would be as decorative at table as he is, at the present moment, unornamental. It is not only young men whose standard of behaviour in the home is a low one. Masters of the house, fathers of families, men of middle age, who are terribly put out if anyone fails in duty to them, are sometimes conspicuously ill-bred in everyday matters. They are late for every meal, to the discomfort of the other members of the family, and the great inconvenience of the servants. The light to the world outside, they are brusque and disagreeable in their manner at home, rough to the servants, rude to their wives, and irritable with their children. Sometimes a good heart and considerable family-affection are hidden away behind all this, that the families of such men would be very glad to compound for a little less affection and hidden goodness, and rather more gentleness and outward polish. Apart from faults of temper, men fall into careless habits of speech and manner at home, and one form of this, that is habitually using strong language in the presence of women and children, is particularly offensive. Besides, it defeats itself, for if the forcible expressions are intended to express disapprobation, they soon become weak and powerless to do so, because they are used on every possible occasion. After a time they lose all meaning. I know a family where there are sons and daughters, the latter charming and in every respect young gentle-women, but the sons fall far below their level. They come to the door with thundering knocks that make everyone in the house start disagreeably with surprise, walk through the hall without introducing their muddy boots to either scraper or doormat, sit down to meals without the usual preliminary of hand-washing and hair-brushing, and are altogether rough and un-presentable. If friends call at the house these young men rush away from the chance of encountering them, or if they cannot help meeting them, they blush scarlet, look very gauche and uncomfortable, and feel miserable. They knock things over out of pure awkwardness, and never realize that the secret of the whole matter is the want of self-training. Girls are animated by a greater wish to please, an amiable desire that need not be confounded with vanity, and this wish had led the sisters of these young men to practice those small acts of daily self-denial, which after a while produced the highest self-culture so far as manners go. What is the habitual neatness but constant coercion of human natures innate indolence? What is politeness in the home but the outcome of affection and self-respect and the suppression of all those natural instincts of self-seeking that allowed their way produce the worst manners in the world? If any young man desires to be a perfect gentleman, he must begin in his own home. It is delightful to see some young men unobtrusively attentive to their sisters, watchful of every need of their father and mother, cheerful and pleasant in their manner, full of fun and brightness, yet never losing the gentleness that denotes the fine nature and so beloved in the home for all these endearing qualities that when they leave it they are sadly missed. The father misses them for the pleasant companionship, the sisters miss them for the boyish spirits and the exuberant fun that never exceeds the bounds of good taste and refinement, and the mother misses them more than anyone else, for no one better than she knows how many times a day her boys have set aside their own wishes indifference to hers, quietly, silently, and ostentatiously, in a word out of pure good manners in the deepest, highest, truest sense of the words. Such gentle, virile natures look out at the world through the countenance, which is a letter of recommendation to them wherever they go. I have but faintly sketched my ideal. The following pages may fill in the remaining touches. Many men who go out into the world, while still very young to earn their living, have few opportunities of acquiring a knowledge of social observances. Leaving home when boys, at an age when they are utterly careless of such things as etiquette and the nice conduct of a cane, they live in lodgings or at boarding houses of the cheaper sort where the amenities of existence have to yield to its practicalities. Meals are served in a fashion that means despatch rather than elegance, economy rather than taste, and very few hints can be picked up for the guidance of young fellows when they enter the homes of friends and acquaintances. Their anxiety to fall in accurately and easily with the observances of those they meet on such occasions is as great as it is natural. They know well that to fail in these trifling acts of omission and commission is tacitly to acknowledge that they are unversed in the ways of good society. There is not necessarily any snobbishness in this. A man may be perfectly manly and yet most unwilling to show himself inferior in any way to others of the class to which he belongs by birth and education. Even should those with whom he occasionally associates be his superiors, is he not right to try to rise? Culture may mean little or nothing to the uncultured. English may be an empty word to the unpolished, but they are realities and go far to produce an inward and corresponding refinement of mind and spirit. There are thousands of young men in London alone at this very moment who are longing to acquire the ease and aplomb of good society. The desire is worthy of all encouragement. Only those with real good in them can feel it. The men who are destitute of it are those who associate with their inferiors, contentedly except a low moral standard, adopt a mode of speech and action that is coarse and rough, and finally let themselves down to the frequenting of public houses and places of amusement, for the entertainment has been carefully planned to suit the uneducated, the low-born, and others whose vitiated taste leads them to dislike what is lovely and of good report and to revel in the reverse. But unfortunately many a good fellow has been driven to seek companionship with those beneath him by the very difficulty he experiences in getting on in society. Many fancies, that is small, solicisms, are the subject of observation and comment, and he suffers agonies of mauvaise ent. Girls often laugh very unkindly at shy youths when they might find opportunities of acting the good angel to them, and by the exercise of tact screening from observation those failures in good manners which are inevitable to the inexperienced. When he finds himself the butt of a few giggling girls a young man feels miserably uncomfortable and humiliated, and he vows to himself that he will never again put himself in the way of such annoyance. Consequently he cuts good society, not realising that he would very soon overcome these initial difficulties and feel at home in it. He must find amusement somewhere, it is only natural to youth to crave it. At first his taste is jarred by those inferior to him, and his fastidiousness offended by their manners. But such is the fatal adaptability of human nature to what is bad for it, he soon becomes accustomed to all that he at first objected to, and even forgets that he had ever found anything disagreeable in it. After a few months his speech begins to assimilate the errors of those about him in his leisure hours. He uses the very expressions that jarred upon him at first, his dress and carriage deteriorate, and he is well on his way downhill in life long before he realises that he has quitted his own level, probably forever. And if only he had held his own at a few gatherings, and acquired experience, even at the cost of a little present pain and mortification, he would in the same interval of time be enjoying society, educating himself in its customs, and acquiring that exterior polish which comes of intimate acquaintance with its rules and ease in practising them. Could this little manual of manners be of use to any such in enabling them to master the theory, as it were, of social customs in the educated classes, it will have attained its aim. I have always felt the greatest compassion for young men when first introduced, after school and college life, to the routine of dinner, dance and bowl. I have not forgotten the days when shyness made my own heart sink at the prospect of a dinner-party, and when the hardest task on earth was the finding of nothings to say to a partner at a brawl, it is a miserable feeling of confusion and goshery, and if I can in any way avert it from others, it will be a source of great gratification to me. CHAPTER II. IN THE STREET. The rule of the road is a simple one, though it is often forgotten or neglected. Keep to the right. Easy enough for women, it is complicated in the case of men, but the necessity of always remaining on the kerb side of any lady they may be accompanying. Should the lady keep to the right in meeting or in passing of a persons, her escort may either keep by her or go out in the road. He will be able to judge for himself which cause will be advisable. His first duty is always to his companion, but that need not make him wanting in courtesy to other women. If remaining by the side of his companion should involve any inconvenience to the ladies of the other party, then he must give up his position and go out into the roadway to let the latter pass. Should these be men, no consideration is necessary, he keeps close by his lady's side. In crowded streets he may often have to fall behind, but he should never allow anyone to interpose between her and him. Should the pressure from the crowd become extreme, his duty is to protect her from it as much as possible, but never by putting his arm round her waist. A hand on either side of the lady's shoulders is usually sufficient. In meeting acquaintances a nod is sufficient for a male friend, unless his age or position is such as to render it advisable to raise the hat. Should a lady be with the acquaintance, any man meeting them must raise his hat, so must the individual walking with the lady. The etiquette of bowing is a simple one. Male acquaintances always wait for acknowledgement on the part of female, as well as from those men who are at their superiors in age or position. But this does not mean that they are shiny to look away from them and to ignore them. On the contrary, they must show clearly by their manner that they are on the lookout for some sign of recognition and are ready to reply to it. Shyness often interferes with this, and makes a young man look away. This is occasionally misconstrued as an indifference and resented as such. The calm, quiet, collected expression of face that suits the occasion is not achieved at once. Sometimes the over-anxiety to make a good impression defeats itself, producing a blushing eagerness better suited to a girlish than a manly countenance. This, however, is a youthful fault that is not without its ingratiating side, though young men view it in themselves and in each other with unbounded scorn. This sentiment of self-contempt is a frequent one in both the young people of both sexes. Their valuation of themselves varies as much as the barometer. It is as much affected by outward causes. After a snub, real or fancid, it goes down to zero, but as a rule it speedily recovers itself. The most young men enjoy an agreeable thermometer of 85 degrees or so in the shade. The well-mannered man never puts out his hand in greeting until a lady extends hers. This is a test of good breeding that is constantly applied to those uninitiated in the ways of society. It would naturally appear the right thing to give as cordular greeting as possible. Therefore the hand is held out, even on introduction to a perfect stranger. This is wrong. The first move in the direction of cordiality must come from the lady. The whole code of behaviour being based on the assumption that she is the social superior. The same holds good with elders and men of higher rank. When a man is introduced to these, he raises his hat and bows. Though slightly, it is only to kings and princes to low bowers made, or to those whose character and eminent position render an introduction to them a very high honour. In introducing two men to each other, the name of the inferior is mentioned first. By the inferior, I mean the younger, the less important, or of lower rank. Suppose one of the two to be a familiar friend, and another a comparatively new acquaintance, then formality requires that the familiar friend shall be introduced to the other, being named first. The reason for this is that one naturally stands more in ceremony with the man one knows least. There may be counteracting circumstances, however, which would tend to reverse this order of things. But as a general rule, the social rank of both being equal, the above holds good. Never introduce a lady to a gentleman, but always the gentleman to the lady. That is, mention the man's name first, addressing yourself to the woman. First, allow me to introduce my friend, Mr. Smith, Miss Jones, and follow this of immediately by saying, Miss Jones, addressing Mr. Smith as you do so. It is a grave solicism to begin by introducing the lady. Trials very naturally conclude the lady's name should be first mentioned. But on thinking it over, they will soon perceive that to do so would infer that she is the lesser consideration of the two. It must always be borne in mind that the assumption of women's social superiority lies at the root of these rules of conduct. It is bad manners to introduce people without permission. Nor must this permission be asked in the hearing of the second party. If Mr. A wishes to know Miss B, the lady's leave must be obtained before he can be presented to her. The only exception to this rule is at a dance or ball, where introductions need not be regarded as leading to acquaintanceship. They are only for the dance and may be ignored next day. Here again it is a lady's privilege to ignore her partner if she choose. But she should bow to him he must raise his hat, whether he desires to follow up the acquaintanceship or not. Objections more frequently arise in the woman's side. But should a man be third to drop the matter he can manage to convey in his manner a disinclination to do so, yet behave with perfect politeness. A man I knew was once introduced at a ball to a girl, with whom he had danced two or three times. Before he met her again he heard that she'd been actively concerned in circulating a slander about another girl, from circumstances of misrepresented. I happen to see the next meeting between the two. The girl bowed, smiled and showed some sign of intention to stop and talk. The man raised his hat, looked extremely solemn and unsociable and passed on. It was enough. The girl understood that he did not wish to resume the ballroom acquaintanceship and very probably guessed why. He did it beautifully. Before leaving the subject of the promenade, I must clearly explain that the hat must be raised even in saluting a very familiar friend. If A, that friend is accompanied by a lady and B, and one is oneself accompanied by a lady, even if she be only a mother or sister, is one of the signs of caste that a man is equally applied to his relatives as he is to the relatives of others. We all know what to think of a man who omits small social duties where his wife is concerned, even when he proves by paying them duly to other women that he is aware of what he ought to do. He is at once set down as ill-bred, a cad in fact. I once saw a Lord Mayor of London enter his carriage before his wife, who scrambled in after him as though well accustomed to do so. One does not expect the refinement of good manners and civil dignitaries as a rule, but this little action told the spectators more about the man than they would then ever have found out in the newspapers. They had once perceived that he was unthirst in the ways of good society, but some may suggest that this may have been on some state occasion when his mayoral dignity obliged him to proceed his wife. No, it was after a wedding. And besides, can anyone fancy the Prince of Wales in any circumstances entering his carriage without having previously handed in the princess should she be his companion? If accompanied by a dog, or dogs, their owner must hold himself responsible for their good behaviour. If his pets trespass in any way, he must apologise for them and do his best to repair any damage they have done. Should one of his dogs jump on a lady and make her gown muddy, he must offer his services and endeavour to get rid of the traces of the accident. If the lady wishes, should she show a disinclination to accept his aid, he must once withdraw, raising his hat as he does so. Should his dog attack another dog, he must immediately call him off, administer correction, and apologise to the owner of the dog assaulted. I saw a young man once, in these circumstances, beat the other dog after his own had jumped on it and bitten its ear. He was dressed like a gentleman, but his behaviour gave a truer indication of him than did his garments, whistling and singing are incompatible with the conduct of a gentleman in the street, though this by no means applies to a quiet country road where ceremonious bearing is not required. Nor is it permitted to wear the hands in the pockets and walking in the park, or the streets of a town or city. This is probably one of the reasons that the cane or stick is still carried. For the original cause, that of self-defence, and an age that was destitute of law and order, fortunately exists no longer. There are men who would not know what to do with their hands if they had not a cane or umbrella. This is partly the fault of those who have charge of boys when they are growing, and who allow them to lounge about and stumbling the attitudes of their hands forever in their pockets. Then, when they begin to enter society, they are quiet at a loss. As schools, where boys are regularly drilled, the whole effect of the drilling is done away with by the way in which the boys are allowed to sit and stand in the most remarkable attitudes of slouching awkwardness. It is only when they are drilled or out walking with the masters that any notice is taken of their carriage, yet it is an important point with regard to health that the sold shoulders should be held well back, the chest forward, and the head up. Should a man be so fortunate as to be of some service to any lady in the street, such as picking up a parcel or sunshade she may have dropped, or helping her out of any small difficulty, he must raise his hat and withdraw at once. Such trifling acts as these do not by any means constitute an acquaintanceship, and to remain by her side when the incident is over would look like presuming on what he had done, as though it gave him a right to her continued acknowledgement. This would be un-gently. At the same time, these occurrences are sometimes deliberately planned by girls and women, with a direct view to scraping attainments with young men. It is scarcely necessary to say, the girls who soup to this kind of manoeuvring are hardly ever gentle women. Members of good families have been known to do such things in the wild exuberance of youth and high spirits, but they cannot hope to attain to respect of those who know them, when they deliberately lower themselves in such ways as these. Picking up promiscuous male acquaintances as a practice fought with danger, it cannot be denied that girls of the lower middle classes are often prone to it, and there are thousands of young men who have no feminine belongings in the great towns and cities where they live, and who are found responsive to this indiscriminating mode of making acquaintances. But they must often hesitate before choosing as wife a girl who shows so little discretion as to walk and talk of young men of whom she knows nothing beyond what they choose to tell her. The seaside season is prolific in these chance acquaintances, flirtations as they may perhaps be called. Bicycling is well known to favour them, but as they are far removed from the practice of the class of society to which belong these gentlemen of whom this little book treats, they may be dismissed with a few words of advice. Should any young man become acquainted with a girl in this manner, let him show his innate chivalry by treating her in every way as to wish his own sister to be treated in similar circumstances. If he becomes attached to her, let him first find out all about her that he possibly can and should what he hears be encouraging, then let him ask her to introduce him to her family as a suitor for her hand. Should the girl fall in love with him, let him protect her against herself like a poor chivalre, like an honorable and high-minded English gentleman. If he feels that he cannot reciprocate her sentiment, he should give up seeing her. Should she, as some girls of the kind have been known to do, pursue him with letters making appointments. She makes his task of renumeration a difficult one, but he should fulfill it nevertheless. It is difficult in this way. Suppose a girl writes to a young man, meet me at the tea rooms, number 440 Bond Street tomorrow afternoon. There is no chance of replying in time to prevent her going there, and absent himself would be to administer a severe snub to a girl whom he likes very well, and has flattered his self-love in many ways during the acquaintanceship. What can he do? It is a point he must decide for himself. Taking all the circumstances into consideration, and not forgetting to regard her ultimate welfare in the matter, at least as much as his own actual wishes. This may seem to some young men a very high faulting view to take of such a small matter in meeting a young woman and having tea together. Most of them finding that a girl was growing fond of them would encourage the feeling by every means in their power, regardless of whether it could ever end in marriage, and careless of everything beyond the gratification of their own vanity. But there are bright exceptions to those who do not allow themselves to be carried away by the flattery implied in a girl's attentions, and who can consider her welfare in selfless fashion. Sometimes the Sidious Taste comes to their aid, and makes a draw from an interesting companionship comparatively easy, for after all the manly young man has a prejudice in favour of doing his own wooing. It is not at all necessary that a man should accept invitations from a girl to meet her at restaurants, subscription dances, bazaars or any other place. If a girl so far forgets herself and is so lacking in modesty and propriety as to make appointments of young men in such ways as these, she cannot be worth much and may lead the young man into a very serious scrape. A public horse whipping is an extremely disagreeable thing, and yet cases have been known, where such have been administered by irate brothers or fathers, when the only fault committed by the young man had been to obey the commands of a ford and bold young woman, one of the sort to whom Hamlet would have said get thee to a nunnery. Such invitations are better ignored, though it is difficult for the average young man to resist the temptation of being quartered and flattered, and of seeking the society of girls to administer these pleasant attentions. If their standard is a high one, they would say to themselves, what should I like another fellow to do, supposing the girl with my sister? Almost always he mentally adds God forbid. This clears up the question for him at once, if he is high-minded and honorable he keeps away. If he's unscrupulous and self-indulgent, he meets the girl and lets the acquaintances drift onto dangerous ground. Such girls as these can never tell if a man who's past and present and surrounding circumstances are unknown to her is a scoundrel or otherwise. Fortunately the code of manners obtaining amongst the educated and well brought up, forbids all such indiscriminate acquaintance making. Girls who stoop to it are usually those who have failed to secure attention in their own circle and belong as a rule to the sort of girl who marries a groom or runs away with a good-looking foot man. A young man once asked me if it would be etiquette to offer an unknown lady an umbrella in the street, supposing she stood in need of one. I replied no lady would accept the offer from a stranger and the other sort of person might never return the umbrella. In large towns women of breeding soon learn to view casual attentions and well-dressed men with the deepest distrust. They would suffer any amount of inconvenience rather than accept a favour from a stranger, knowing that so many men make it their amusement to prowl about the streets looking after pretty faces and graceful figures and forcing their attentions on the owners, contentable curves they are where they young are old and they are of all ages. Very young girls are sometimes extremely unpleasant experiences with such men, not only in the streets but in omnibuses, trams and trains, cultivating a gentlemanly exterior, they can yet never be gentlemen and a good pure woman finds something hateful in the look of their eyes, the whole expression of their faces. It cannot be denied however that there is a corresponding class of women and girls who make promiscuous male acquaintances in the streets and a young man learns to distinguish these and respect all members of the community, almost a sinister young girl learns to dread and fear the prowling man. The existence of such a state of things makes self-respecting women most careful to accept no advances from a stranger and the true gentleman understanding this refrains the offers of assistance that he would gradually make where society is so constituted as to be free from such pests as the above. Impassing ladies on the promenade in the street or park, if a man chance to be smoking he always takes his cigar from his mouth replacing it when the lady or ladies have passed on. In the crowded streets of great cities this if carried out in full entirety will be too much therefore it is observed only with reference to such ladies as pass a smoker quite closely. I know he is a gentleman said a girl once of a good-looking young fellow whose appearance had pleased her. I know he is a gentleman, if he stopped smoking directly he saw us. It is in the observance of little things of this kind that one shows clearly one's breeding or lack of it. When a young man is walking of a lady and happens to meet another lady with whom he is on more intimate terms than with his companion he must ask pardon of the latter if he should stop to speak. Excuse me for one moment he would say and his companion if a gentle woman would walk some yards on then slowly stroll along until he joined her again. The strict rule is that when walking of a lady a man should never leave her side. Suppose a young man were to meet his mother or sister while he wasn't a company of a lady unknown to them he must not introduce her to them or them to her without having previously obtained special permission on both sides. There are young men who make acquaintance of girls in a lower walk of life than their own. It would be an insult to mother or sister to introduce a milliner's apprentice or an assistant in a shop or in fact anyone who he had picked up without a regular introduction. No respectable young woman would walk with or talk with any man to whom she had not had a proper introduction. The influence is that those who do so are not respectable and must not therefore be introduced to those who are. The old rule was that when a gentleman stopped to speak to a lady in the street he walked a little way with her in the direction in which she had been going but now this is less observed than it used to be. The lady herself if she wishes the conversation to be a short one stops at once knowing that it'll be easier for a man to terminate in these circumstances than if he was sauntering by her side. End of chapter 2 recording by roof. Chapter 3 of Manors for Men this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Jen Broda Manors for Men by Mrs. Humphrey Chapter 3 In a Carriage In handing ladies to their carriage a man offers his right arm to the senior of the party and walks with her to the door opening it with his left hand. The others will probably follow without escort but if not he must offer it to each in turn holding an umbrella over them should it be raining. He closes the door and conveys their orders to the footmen or coachmen. Should he be invited to enter the carriage with them he always takes the back seat that is with his back to the horses unless specially invited to the front one he must not either raise or lower the windows unless requested to do so. Should he be smoking he throws away his cigar or cigarette at once. If he should be a very intimate acquaintance of the lady he may ask her permission to smoke but never otherwise since it is disagreeable for a woman to refuse such permission and consequently she often gives it when she really dislikes the smell of tobacco especially in the limited space of a carriage should it be a closed one. It may be as well to mention here that the proper pronunciation of the word broom is as though it were spelled B-R-O-O-M quite short and monosyllabic. This is a trifle of course but like many other equally small matter it is indicative of those accustomed to good society. End of chapter 3 Recording by Jen Broda Chapter 4 of Manners for Men This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Jen Broda Manners for Men by Mrs. Humphrey Chapter 4 In a Handsome In handing a lady into a handsome care must be taken to protect her dress from the muddy wheel. The gentleman asks if she would like the glasses down and conveys her instructions to the driver then raises his hat as she drives away. Should he be accompanying her in the handsome she seats herself at the nearest side to the pavement so that when he enters he will not have to go round a corner as it were. In this case he gives the cab man instructions across the roof of the cab and if his companion wishes the glasses to be lowered he asks for them through the trap door at the top of the cab. He must never smoke when the glasses are let down to do so would render the atmosphere unbearable to almost any woman but if he knows his partner in the drive sufficiently well he can ask permission to smoke should the glasses not be required. End of chapter 4 Recording by Jen Broda The etiquette in this as in many other matters has quite altered during the last few years. At one time it was considered a sign of infamously bad taste to smoke in the presence of women in any circumstances but it is now no longer so. So many women smoke themselves that in some houses even the drawing room is thrown open to Princess Nicotine. The example of the Prince of Wales has been largely instrumental in sweeping away the old restrictions. He smokes almost incessantly. On one occasion at the Rangelig Club I noticed that he consumed four cigars in rapid succession almost without five minutes interval between them. The only time that he left off smoking during the three hours that he remained in the pavilion with the Princess and other ladies was for ten minutes when tea was handed round. It is now no uncommon thing to see a man in evening dress smoking in a broam with a lady on their way to opera, theatre, or dinner engagement. This is going rather far for a woman's evening dress implies shut windows except in the height of summer and her garments become as much impregnated with the odor of tobacco as if she herself had been smoking. Some men have a knack of ridding their clothes and themselves of the fumes of smoke in a wonderful way. Perhaps one reason of this is that the tobacco they use is of a mild sort. Perhaps the diligent use of the clothesbrush is another. But there are also men round whom cling the odours of stale tobacco with a very disagreeable constancy. Why it should be so I cannot pretend to say. It must be due to carelessness of some kind and carelessness in such matters amounts to bad manners. Even to men who smoke and much more to those who do not, the smell of stale tobacco is revolting. Fancy then how it must offend the olfactory nerves of women. Such men suggest the stable yard while they are yet several yards away. A very delicate even exquisite personal cleanliness is characteristic of the true gentleman and more particularly the English gentleman who is noted all the world over for his devotion to his tub. And his immaculate propriety in all matters of the toilette. This is not claiming too much for my countrymen. It is acknowledged by other nations that ours is superior in this respect. Once indeed I heard a curious inversion of this. At a foreign hotel one waiter said to the other in their mutual language. What dirty fellows these English must be to want such a lot of washing. I've carried up four cans of water to number forty-seven this morning. Sauntering up the street of a small German town one day two English ladies saw a couple of yards away a party of men standing admiring an ancient gateway. They must be English said one of the ladies and before she could finish her sentence the other finished it for her in the very words she had been about to utter. They are so beautifully clean. This characteristic is carried to an extreme in the close clipping of the hair. But as fashion ordains that it must be worn very short its behests must be obeyed by all who wish to be in society and of it. Who is that long-haired fellow? Is the question invariably asked about any man whose visits to the barber are infrequent? Must be an artist or a music man is the frequent commentary. Sometimes he is merely careless of the conventionalities and by being so proves that he is rather out of it where good society is concerned. The rule appears to be that directly a man finds that he has any hair worth brushing he must immediately go and have it cut. It would be much more becoming if allowed to grow a little longer but things being as they are only the few can afford to defy the ordinary custom. End of Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Of Manners for Men This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Jude Summers Manners for Men by Mrs. Humphrey Chapter 6 In or On an Omnibus The humble omnibus may be thought by some readers to democratic a place of conveyance to be considered in a book on manners. Not at all. There are several reasons why it should have a place in such a volume. The first is that during the last 10 years or so the omnibus has been largely used by women of the educated, cultured and well-dressed classes. Another and stronger reason is that no considerations of the kind should affect a man's manners. If he can behave like a gentleman in a carriage he is almost certainly to do so in an omnibus and vice versa. It is even more difficult in the humbler vehicle. In a carriage one is seldom crowded up to the degree that often happens in the plebeian bus. In fact there are far more opportunities for the display of good manners in the latter than in the former. Many of them are of a negative character. True courtesy, for instance, will prevent a man from infringing the rights of his neighbors on either side by occupying more than his allotted space. Very stout men are obliged to do so, but at least they need not spread out their knees in a way that is calculated to aggravate the evil. Nor need they arrange themselves in a comfortable oblique position with the result of enhancing the inconvenience they must necessarily cause to those near them. Even a thin man can take up a quantity of room by thus disposing himself at an angle of forty-five with the other occupants of an omnibus. The morning paper may be converted into an offensive weapon in the hands of the rude and careless, who open it out to its fullest width regardless of the comfort of those sitting next to them. Newspapers are rather unwieldy things to turn and twist about in a limited space, but this very circumstance affords a man an opportunity of displaying his skill in manipulating the large, wide sheets without dashing them in the face of his nearest neighbor, or knocking up against anybody in a series of awkward movements that a little care could easily convert into leisurely, graceful ones. There is another way in which men are apt to be careless, and that is in the disposal of a wet umbrella. Women are even more so, but these remarks are intended particularly for men, and beyond acknowledging that members of my own sex are equal sinners, I must leave them out of the question. When anyone takes a dripping umbrella into an omnibus, he must charge himself with the task of seeing that it annoys no one but himself. If he can, at the same time, protect himself well and good, but he must be altruistic in the matter and care for others first, the alternative being to prove himself lacking in one form of good manners. He must not even let his wet umbrella lean up against a vacant part of the cushioned seat, rendering it damp for the next comer. His social conscience cannot be up to its work if he permits himself to ignore the right of the absent to consideration, merely because they are absent. Allowing umbrellas and sticks to protrude so as to trip up unwary passengers is another thing to be avoided. Carrying a stick or umbrella under the arm with the feral protruding at the back and threatening the eyes of those who walk behind is always a reprehensible practice and one that is fraught with danger, and it is perhaps more than ever dangerous when the proprietor is ascending or descending the steps of an omnibus. At such moments, passengers are liable to sudden checks from various causes, and the resultant backward jerk can be quite annoying enough to those behind without the aggravation of a pointed stick assaulting them. I have seen a girl's hat torn off her head in this way. It's numerous securing pins making havoc in her coiffure and eliciting lively expressions of pain. It might appear hardly necessary to advocate care in walking up past other passengers inside an omnibus for fear of treading on their feet and to recommend a word of apology in case of any transgression. But there have been cases which point to the desirability of a word of advice on such points. The ready apology covers a multitude of social sins. From some men it comes with an expression of such earnest solicitude that, anxious to reassure them, one quite willingly makes light of the damage done. In escorting a lady, a man hands her into the omnibus before entering it himself. And if she prefers the top, he lets her mount the staircase in front of him. There seems to be an idea in the lowly classes that it is correct to precede a lady in ascending steps or stairs. This is not in accordance with the practice of good society. If circumstances do not admit of the two walking abreast, then the lady goes first, both in ascending and descending any stairs. It is by no means necessary that any man should resign his seat in or on an omnibus simply because a woman wishes for it. The conductor has no right to ask if any gentleman will go outside to oblige a lady, and no gentlewoman would allow him to ask such a favour on her behalf. The inside passengers have selected inside seats, thereby testifying to their preference for them, and they should be allowed to retain them without interference. I have seen a delicate-looking boy wracked with a hacking cough, induced to ride outside on a cold and rainy night in order that a fat, rosy, healthy woman might have his inside seat. I felt all the more indignant on his behalf because the woman never even thanked him. It was no business of mine, but I was rejoiced to hear a man's voice mutter in the darkness. She looks better able to face it than that pale-faced lad, but the woman wore a smug, well-pleased air, little knowing that her fellow passengers were almost all regarding her with a feeling of dislike. I repeat that no lady, in the highest sense of the term, would ever permit the conductor of an omnibus to ask such a favour for her. She would not ask it for herself, unlike a woman whom I saw one day mount on the step of an omnibus and inquire of the insides, won't any gentleman ride outside to oblige a lidey? The lidey being herself. It can never be out of place for a man to give up his seat in favour of the old and infirm, or for a woman with a baby in her arms. But such matters as these belong to a region of heart and mind beyond mere manners, and it is useless to suggest any line of action on such subjects. The impulse must come from within. There have been women so unreasonable as to complain of men smoking on the top of an omnibus. Could anything be more illogical? First, they invade the seats that have been claimed by man as his right, or perhaps unjustly, for many long years, and then they feel annoyed because he smokes in their presence. Or, to speak accurately, they are petulant because his tobacco is often rank, strong, and consequently evil smelling. But no man need feel it necessary to put out his pipe or throw away his cigar in these circumstances. Should he find himself so placed that the wind blows his smoke in the face of a woman, he may propose to change seats with her, in order that she may be spared the inconvenience. But no woman could rationally expect him to do more. Chapter 7 On Horseback A great change has taken place during the last few years in the character of riding costume for the park. The subject may scarcely be a suitable one for a little book intended for those unaccustomed to the usages of the Society of the Wealthy. But there are almost always exceptional cases in which such information may be found of use. Only quite old-fashioned people ride in black coats, the usual gear consisting of knickerbocker suits with Norfolk or other country jacket, brown tops, and bowler hats. It must be admitted that this is a distinct gain in picturesqueness. Straw hats are often seen on riders in the park, but these have not quite so good an effect. The old formalities in dress are rapidly disappearing. A man may ride in town in a tweed suit, which once would have been considered highly heterodox. He may even walk about London in the height of the season in a tweed suit. But it is not considered correct for him to join his friends in the park without reverting to the black coat and high hat. Many an old statesman is still to be seen in the park riding in frock coat and tall hat, just as John Leitch depicted the men of his day. There are certain rules of etiquette connected with riding on horseback, which no one can afford to ignore. It is extremely ill-mannered to gallop noisily past a mounted lady, the risk being of startling her horse and inconveniencing her, if not subjecting her to an accident. The rule of the road for equestrians is to keep to the left, exactly the opposite to that for pedestrians. In passing others in front, a detour is made to the right. In meeting other riders or wheel traffic of any sort, the rider keeps close to the left. In accompanying a lady, the gentleman keeps on her right hand, whether in town or on country roads. At a meet of hounds, where ladies in carriages often assemble, it is not polite to keep too near them if mounted on a fidgety horse. When the hounds throw off, the inexperienced in such matters has a disagreeable way of getting in front in his eagerness and sometimes overriding the hounds. This, in the eyes of the huntsman, is not a fault. It is a crime of the blackest die. If commissioned to take charge of a lady in the hunting field, a man must sacrifice his sporting instincts to a certain extent in order to see her safe over her fences. Giving her a lead or following her lead as circumstances may dictate. His desire to be in at the death may be as great as hers, but he must not indulge it at the expense of his politeness. Very often his charge may beg of him to go on and leave her to her own devices. If he should perceive that she is really uncomfortable about keeping him back, he may possibly yield to her persuasion. But in the case of any accident happening to her, he would be certainly called to account by those who had placed her in his charge. One of the mistakes made by novices in the hunting field is that of getting themselves up in pink, though they may not be a member of any hunt. This is more particularly the case when the packs are near town. Good west end tailors would never allow their clients to make such mistakes as these. They are the best authorities on all the minutia of country riding costume, and it is well for the customer to put himself unreservedly in the hands of the long experienced in such matters. Of course, this means high charges. Experience and skill are commercial commodities, just as much as fine cloth and silk linings. But if a man can afford to go on hunting, he ought to be able to afford the advice of a good tailor. In mounting a lady on horseback, the gentleman takes her left foot in his right hand, and when she springs he helps her in this manner to reach the saddle, and afterwards adjusting her left foot in the stirrup and arranging her habit for her. End of Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Of Manners for Men This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Jude Summers Manners for Men by Mrs. Humphrey Chapter 8 Driving The same rule of the road applies to driving as to riding. In the crowded traffic of large towns and cities it would be difficult, if not impossible, to observe the good old rule of courtesy that prohibits the driver of any private carriage from overtaking and passing that of a friend or neighbour on the road. The members of the four-in-hand and coaching clubs still observe it, and seldom pass each other without an apologetic wave of the hand or raising of the hat. A gentleman driving a male Phaeton in the park with a lady by his side must, of course, acknowledge all salutes by raising his hat, if he is sufficiently expert to admit of his doing so without risk. It is not everyone who can emulate the Prince of Wales who, when driving a coach, can take a cigar from his lips and raise his hat with the whip hand, the reins, of course, being in the left. It is not unusual, nowadays, to see a man driven by a lady. In such a case he must be on the alert to afford her every assistance in his power. In handing a lady up to her place on a coach, some expertness is required, especially where the usual short ladder is not available, and she has to mount first on the wheel and then on to the coach itself. The box seat of a coach to the left of the driver is considered the place of honour, and the lady invited to occupy it is very appreciative, as a rule, of this mark of attention. It is scarcely necessary to remark that a man must be as careful about the invitations for a drive on his forehand, as he would be in other circumstances. A lady would resent being asked to meet anyone unsuitable in a drive, even though the ladder may be relegated to a back seat. Some ladies are very anxious to take the reins and drive themselves. A circumstance which has often occasioned agonies of nervousness to other women on the coach. It is quite possible to refuse such a request in a polite and gentlemanly way, partly by seeming to ignore it or laughing it off. It is not a bad plan when some such request is supposed to be imminent to bind oneself beforehand by a promise to one of the timid ladies. This promise can be produced with great effect when occasion arises. A man usually dismounts when calling for a lady to take her for a ride if she is to be mounted. Sometimes, however, this rule is remitted, as in the case of a restive and very fresh animal. The groom then assists the lady to mount. The driver of a forehand very seldom dismounts in such circumstances, though, of course, there are exceptions to this as to almost all other rules. It used to be considered bad manners to smoke when driving with a lady. This is now quite anti-diluvian, so to speak. Permission must, of course, always be asked of the lady. It is scarcely ever refused, and it is almost an exceptional thing to see a man driving without a cigar between his teeth. Should the lady driven meet some acquaintances unknown to her charioteer, and wish to stop and converse with them, he raises his hat and awaits her pleasure. She will probably introduce him, but if not, he takes no part in the conversation. The only thing he can do is to remain passive, but unless the lady feels justified in introducing him, it is an error of taste on her part to enter into conversation with her friends. Some ladies have a great disinclination to mount a foreign hand or male Phaeton until the driver is seated with the reins in his hand and in full command of the horses. There is nothing surprising in this, for, after all, the groom who stands at the head of the horses before the start has very little control over them, and one or two disagreeable accidents have occurred in this way, the horses taking fright and escaping from his grasp. Consequently, it would be no breach of good manners for the gentleman driving to take his seat and thus reassure his nervous companion. Manors for Men by Mrs. Humphrey Chapter 9 Games and Recreations Chess and Wisp Permanently Popular A man who can play a good game of chess or even an excellent rubber of wisp must be aware that the requirement involves an education in itself. Neither is ever likely to become unpopular among the best classes of society. Chess and Wisp clubs increase in number as time goes on. But for the purposes of everyday life, less exigent games are found more useful. One should be able to play the minor games. Billiards, Batgam and poker, Bezique, Baccarat, Eichante, Traffes, Vegetoun, and Lou may be mentioned among the minor accomplishments with which the modern young man finds it convenient to be equipped. That a bad use has been made of some of these by converting them into media for gambling is not to be denied. At the same time, there is no reason why those who play them in moderation should refrain from doing so because others abuse rather than use these means of recreation. These things are innocent in themselves. A round game affords a very innocent mode of spending an enjoyable evening and country house life, especially is enlivened in this way. And often quite necessary. Home life, whether in town or country, is apt to be monotonous, particularly for the young members of the family. If there is not occasionally an amusing game got up to pass away the evening hours, and anything that adds to the attractions of home must at least have one excellent recommendation. A man's breeding is shown in his play. Apart from other considerations, the demeanor of a young man when playing cards affords a very good test of his manners. Some of them appear to think that the only fun to be had out of the game lies in cheating. Very open and transparent cheating to be sure. But still, sufficient to spoil the amusement of others. A curious development of money greed is sometimes observable in players who will show extreme assasperation at the loss of so simple a coin as a penny. Irrability over games There are many fairly good-tempered men and women who evince extreme irrability over games of any kind. To play with such as these is very disagreeable and the tendency to erasability should be firmly checked by those who wish to be popular in society. The host or hostess always takes a lead in these games or else deputies someone else to do so. It is a sign of ill-breeding when an outsider assumes the command of a game without having been asked to do so. An outsider may not take the lead unsolicited. Unfortunately, gambling games are very popular at some houses and it is possible for a young man being unaware of the fact to be drawn in and lose more than he can afford before he can politely extricate himself. Men and houses to be avoided. In such circumstances the only thing that he can do is religiously to avoid any such house in future. It is a manner of notoriety that there are men who make good incomes by fleecing the young and experience whom they invite to their homes under the guise of friendship. But even when there is no deliberate dishonesty in question as in these cases the host or hostess out of pure love of gambling draws in the guests to play for high psalms. Things to be reckoned with. Unpartable is it true but such things have to be reckoned with and avoided if possible. The manner is not confined to London. Country house life has much to answer for under the same heading. End of chapter 9 recorded by Jervis International Chapter 10 of Manners for Men This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Jervis International Manners for Men by Mrs. Humphrey Chapter 10 The Rule of the Road on the River The Rule of the Road on the River There is a rule of the road for the river and those who boat on the Thames on crowded days fervently wish that it were better understood. There does not appear to be any means of acquiring the necessary information. If such means exist they have never come under my notice and for at least one summer I spent many hours daily in that agreeable form of exercise. With the tide the middle of the stream. Boats coming down with the tide keep the middle of the river. Those going against it hug the shore on either side. But in passing other boats coming in the same direction they must go out in a semi-circle leaving the front boat the shore. Tug boats are always given this advantage. Upstream either side. In meeting other boats coming downstream which really have no right to the shore but are mistakenly kept near the margin by inexperienced steerers the boat going upstream should not go out but keep toward the land. The rights of anglers the rights of the numerous anglers should be respected and it is not only courteous but politic to do so as it is disagreeable to have the lines entangled in the boat. Sailing boats rowboats give way to sailing boats on the river especially when the ladder are tackling to use the breeze. As to steam launches their motto too often appears to be might is right. Occupants of small boats keep a sharp lookout for these. Passing through locks In passing through the locks the usual politeness of refraining from shooting ahead of boats in front should be observed. Any activity emulation of this kind is a very risky business in the same way when pulling a boat over the rollers. A man is bound to yield the pass to ladies or any boat containing ladies. In fact the courtesies of the river may be summed up as similar to those on land. End of Chapter 10 Recording by Gervis International Please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Jen Broda Manors for Men by Mrs. Humphrey Chapter 11 Dinner Parties Mrs. X requests the pleasure of Mr. L's company at dinner on Thursday, the 16th of February, at 8 o'clock. Mr. L accepts with pleasure Mrs. X's kind invitation to dinner on Thursday, the 16th of February. These are the preliminaries, the lady's address being on the sheet of paper or card on which her invitation has been written. Three weeks notice is usual, but sometimes in the season when many parties are going on, invitations are sent out four, five, or six weeks beforehand in order to secure the guests. In the case of lions, even longer invitations have been given. But as one of the first principles of good breeding is to never corner anybody, it is scarcely fair to invite those who are in much request without giving them the option of refusal. An invitation of seven or eight weeks length scarcely allows one to plead a pre-engagement and often defeats the eager hostess's own end by inducing the lion to accept without any intention of being present. Writing later on to Renig, to use a good old wist term, but as our young man is scarcely yet a lion and probably not overburdened with engagements for dinner or any other social function, we may imagine him accepting with a free mind. Should anything intervene to prevent him carrying out his engagement, he is in duty bound to let his hostess know as early as possible that he cannot be present at her dinner party. This is more especially and particularly necessary with dinners, though it holds good with regard to all invitations. But with dinner there is a peculiar obligation laid upon the guests. The choice and arrangement of them involves care on the part of the dinner-giver, more so than in the case of any other meal. In fact, dinner stands alone as an institution sacred to the highest rights of hospitality, to be invited as an honor to the young man, who is just beginning his social life. To absent himself would be a gross rudeness unless he could plead circumstances of oppressing nature. It is considered a great infraction of good manners to wire on the very day of the party that one cannot dine as arranged unless something has occurred to justify such conduct. The hostess can with difficulty find a substitute at short notice and the whole plan of her table is destroyed by the absence of one person. There are few people who would not feel offended at being invited to fill a gap of the kind, and this is what makes it so extremely discourteous to disappoint at the last moment as it were. The unfortunate hostess thinks, is there any one good-natured enough to come and fill the vacant place? Sometimes this is the raison d'etre of a young man's first invitation. Let him accept it by all means, even though he is perfectly aware that he was not his entertainer's first choice. Many a young man feels nervous about his first dinner party. There are few puzzling things that trouble him in prospect. He wonders if he should wear gloves, as ladies do, taking them off at the dinner table. Let me set his mind at rest on this small point at once. He need not wear gloves, in fact, he must not. Another little matter to be remembered is that a quarter of an hour's grace is always understood in dinner invitations. Should the hour indicated be eight o'clock, then care must be taken to time the arrival at five or ten minutes past the hour. But it is better to be too early than too late. A want of punctuality at this meal is unpardonable. It is the very height of rudeness, annoying to the host and hostess, displeasing to the guests and regarded as outrageous by the cook. When our young man is shown into the drawing-room, he at once goes up to his hostess, no matter whether there is anyone he knows nearer to the door than the lady of the house. This is always a fixed rule, whether it be on the occasion of a call or visit, or on having been invited to a party of any kind. When he has been greeted by his hostess, he looks round the room to see if there is anyone present whom he knows. If so, he goes up to the ladies first, if there are any of his acquaintance present, and afterwards greets the gentleman. His host will probably have shaken hands with him immediately after his wife has done so. He will then be told what lady he is to take down to dinner, and be introduced to her, if he does not already know her. He must bow, not shake hands, and make small talk for her during the interval between his introduction and the announcement of dinner. Here is his first real difficulty. To converse with a perfect stranger is always one of the initial social accomplishments to be learned. And it is not at all an easy thing at first. It needs practice. Ninety men out of every hundred offer a remark upon the weather. But unless there has been something very extraordinary going on in the meteorological line, it is better to avoid this subject if possible. A girl at Ascot said to me one lovely day. That's the eighth man who has informed me that it's a beautiful day. Up came a ninth with the very same observation, and both she and I felt inclined to titter like very school girls. It is far better to start with something more original. It is as well to keep the pronoun I in the background just at first. If your partner is as nice as she might be, she will soon give you abundant opportunity for talking about yourself. By the way, a man must not at his very first dinner party expect to be given a pretty girl to take down. He may possibly be so fortunate, but those prizes are usually reserved for men of more experience in social life. The young man has probably been invited to make up the necessary number of men and an unmarried lady of uncertain age or an elderly woman without much claim to consideration will probably fall to his share. However, there is consolation. She will be excellent for practicing upon. He would not mind making small mistakes so much as if his partner were a young and charming girl. Nor is the art of making small talk so difficult as it would be with a pair of bright and youthful eyes beaming into your own, and confusing you into forgetfulness of all but their own delightful language. But what to talk about is the puzzle of the moment. I have known a good beginning made with some such remark as Do you know everybody here? This leads perhaps to the acquisition of some information as to the other guests. At table there will be more to suggest topics. The floral decorations often lead up to conversation. The colours of the flowers remind one of pictures, and the lady on one's right may be asked if she has been to any exhibitions that may be open. If so, what pictures she liked best? Does she paint? Has she read the novel of the hour? What she thinks of it? Does she bike? At this rate our novice gets on swimmingly and may safely be left to himself. I must not omit some small details dealing with the guest on his arrival and on his way afterwards from the drawing to the dining room. The servant who omits him takes his overcoat and hat either in the hall or in a room set apart for the purpose. Should he be accompanied by a lady he follows her upstairs and she enters the room slightly in advance of him probably about a yard or so. The young man must not have the appearance of hanging back, however. He walks steadily and rather briskly up the room. When the move to the dining room is made the gentleman offered to the ladies the arm which will place them on the wall side of the staircase thus avoiding the contact of their dresses with the balusters. But should the dining room be as it very frequently is on the same floor as the drawing room then the right arm is offered. The lady sits on the right of her escort at table. The servants usually indicate the seats that the guests are to occupy. Sometimes the host previously instructed by the hostess comes to the rescue with your seat is here, I believe, Mr. So-and-so, who immediately takes his lady to the chair on the right of the two the couple are to occupy. The system of name cards is observed in some circles but it is not a good one. It is distressing in these days of short sight and small rooms to see several couples wandering about endeavoring to decipher the names on the small cards. It is much better for the host to have made himself master of the order in which the guests are to be seated and as he enters the dining room first with the lady of highest social importance he is ready to point out their places to each couple as they enter. The first thing to be done on sitting down is to unfold the table napkin and place it across the knee. The menu is then consulted and a mental note made on any favorite dish so that it may not be refused. But all the time a flow of small talk must be kept up with one's partner of the hour. Sometimes she turns to talk with the man on her right. Then her escort may converse with the lady on his left if she is disengaged. But he must always remember that his first duty is to her whom he took down. There will probably be three or four wine glasses on our young friend's right. One of these either a long-stemmed wide cupped glass or a small tumbler is for champagne. The colored glass is for hawk. The slenderest and smallest is for sherry and the claret glass occupies in dimensions a midway between those of the champagne and the claret glass. With regard to the knives and forks everything is now made very easy for the novice by the way in which the table is laid. The tablespoon is for soup which must be eaten from the side of the spoon close to the point. The fish knife and fork are placed outside the others so as to be ready to the hand. The fish course coming directly after the soup. The dishes are usually all handed round at dinner parties. The carving being done at the sideboard or in an immediately adjoining room but sometimes the host carves the joint and game. There is occasionally a subtle reason for this preference not wholly unconnected with a taste for those morsels that especially appeal to the gourmand. The host may desire to secure these for some special appreciative guest or for himself. In some families the principal dishes are always placed before the master of the house to be carved. Made servants can rarely carve well and butlers have gone considerably out of fashion in the upper middle classes of society of late years. When offered the usual choice of dishes or wines the guest must decide at once and indicate his choice without delay. Any hesitation gives him the air of being unable to reject either of being in the position with regard to food occupied by the poet who wrote How happy could I be with either where to other dear charmer away. So he must be prompt and should the dish be handed round help himself without delay. On this very point of helping himself I have seen young men endure excruciating agonies of shyness. Sometimes they take the merest morsel of some excellent dish though they would very well like to have some more. At other times they help themselves to far too much because they are so confused that they will not take the necessary time to separate for their own share a moderate quantity. Occasionally they drop the spoon or fork with a clatter into the dish after which they look intensely miserable for ten minutes or so. The best way to avoid all this is to preserve absolute self-possession by reflecting that the other guests are all too well occupied to pay any attention to such trifling matters. The self-consciousness of which shyness is the outward and visible sign makes a young man feel that everyone is observing him especially when he is awkward in handling things. But he may console himself with the conviction that he is of much less importance to them than their own dinner to say nothing of the ladies who sit beside them. When asked to choose between claret or hawk he may either mention one or indicate the glass. Sherry, sir, is the first wine handed round, then comes the choice between claret and hawk. Afterwards champagne, sir, usually answered by slightly drawing the champagne glass forward or by a nod, sometimes by a shake of the head. In occasional thanks to the servant is not a miss, but it is unnecessary to keep on expressing gratitude. Some people never dream of saying thank you, others say it out of pure graciousness of manner and gentleness of mind, so our young man may take his choice. I have observed that when a neat and pretty parlor maid waits at the table she is more likely to be thanked than a man's servant and this is not only by gentlemen but by ladies as well. I offer no explanation of why this should be so. I merely record the fact as I have noted it. The perfection of service resolves itself into absolute accuracy of machinery, united to the observant watchfulness of long training, one barely discovers that one needs bread when it is presented at one's elbow. In the same way, vegetables, wine, aerated waters, or whatever one may be drinking arrives at exactly the right moment. The mechanism or organization of such waiting is so good that there is no interruption of conversation. The servants understand that a mere turning away from the dish means rejection. Should any guest find difficulty in helping himself, they simplify matters for him as much as possible. As the dishes are not named when they are handed round, it is necessary to study the menu in order to know what they are. Some young people appear to think that it looks greedy to pay much attention to the information given on the dainty little bill of fare, but this, of course, is one of youth's delusions. I have seen a short-sighted young man straining his eyes in the endeavor to read furtively the names of the dishes on his menu. He would have done far better if he had boldly taken it up in his hand to examine it. However hungry one may be, the duty of keeping up a conversation must not be neglected. The vions must never be chosen as a topic for either praise or blame. If one knows a girl very well, one may ask, do you like sweets or some such question, but it is safer with strangers to avoid the subject of the food provided. It is scarcely necessary to remark that drinking too much wine is a very bad phase of ill manners. At one time it was actually fashionable to become intoxicated after dinner, but those days are gone, I am thankful to say. The young man who exceeds in this way is soon made aware of the fact that he has given his hostess dire offence. He is never invited again or not for a long time. The wine glass is never drained at a draught in polite society, nor is it considered polite to eat very quickly. The knife, fork, and spoon are handled as noiselessly as possible. Scraping the edge of the knife against the plate is unpardonable. It produces a grating noise that is excessively unpleasant. In sending a plate away to be replenished, the diner leaves his knife and fork or his spoon as the case may be upon it. In dealing with bread use neither knife nor fork. It must be broken with the fingers. There is a story of an absent-minded and short-sighted prelate, who with the remark my bread, I think, dug his fork into the white hand of a lady who sat beside him. He had been badly brought up or he would not have used his fork and the white hand would have experienced nothing worse than a sudden grasp. It requires some expertness and practice for a man with a mustache to take soup in a perfectly inoffensive manner. The accomplishment is worth some trouble. Some men who should know better and some women too forget that the mouth should be kept closed while mastication is going on. This is a very important matter. Nature teaches us to keep the mouth open as any one may see from the way in which children and uncultivated persons eat. But good manners enjoin upon us that to adopt the natural mode is to disgust and annoy those with whom we sit at meet. If these little things have not been learned in childhood, it is difficult to master them afterwards. Mothers should also teach their boys and girls never to speak while food is in the mouth and never to drink until it is quite empty, who would not be mortified if he were to choke ignominiously at the dinner table. The correct way to eat a curry is with a spoon and fork, but this is the only meat dish that is eaten in this way. Sweet breads and many other entrees are eaten with the fork alone. It is inheld in the right hand. Should a knife be found necessary, it can, of course, be used. Vegetable entrees are always eaten with a fork, held in the right hand. Fish is eaten with a silver or plated knife and fork. Sources are never taken very plentifully. The sauce ladle filled will be generally sufficient. I once saw a man in helping himself to oyster sauce look scrutinizingly in the sauce boat and carefully fish about for as many oysters as he could collect in the ladle. This caused some covert amusement, except perhaps to the last persons to whom the sauce was handed. They probably found few oysters. Bread, biscuits, olives, asparagus, celery, and bonbons are the forms of food that may be touched with the fingers. They're used once to be a rule that a bone might be picked, if only the finger and thumb were used in holding it. But that was in the days when table cutlery was far from having been brought to its present condition of perfection. There is now no excuse for handling bones. Knives and forks suffice, and it is only in the lowest grades of society that they are found inadequate. In helping oneself to salad, it must be placed on the crescent-shaped plate laid down for that purpose before it is handed round. This plate is put at the left side of the round plate. Both knife and fork are often necessary with salads, but if they are sent to table as they should be, with the lettuce and other vegetables broken small, the fork is quite sufficient. It is always disagreeable to see a steel knife used with vinegar, and it should be avoided whenever possible to do so. Oysters served on the shell are eaten with a fish knife and fork. Other fish hors d'oeuvres are eaten with a fish fork. It is not always possible to tell either from the appearance or name of the hors d'oeuvres whether it consists of fish or meat. In that case it is safer to use an ordinary fork, and for this reason the fish knife has been laid for a fish course, and if it should have been previously unnecessarily used for the hors d'oeuvres, it will be needful for the servant to bring another. Fish wristles may be eaten with a fish fork only, in fact any preparation that does not need the knife. It is a safe rule never to use either knife or spoon if the fork will do. With ice pudding or ices in any form a small spoon is used. Now let us take the dinner from the very beginning and go through the courses. First there may be hors d'oeuvres, small morsels of various kinds which are found ready to hand when the guests sit down. I have already referred to these. Next comes soup, generally one thick and one clear. The attendant offers the diner a choice and he must promptly make it. When it is set before him he begins at once not waiting till everyone is served. He takes up the tablespoon placed already at his right hand and it is not considered very good form to immediately put some salt into the soup before tasting it. People who pride themselves on the possession of a clever cook sometimes feel annoyed at the distrust of her powers shown in this simple action. With soup small addenda are often handed. The guest helps himself to these whether they are croutons, fried breadcrumbs or other supplementary provision with the spoon handed round on the dish. It is a very old fashioned piece of good manners to wait till everyone is served. So old fashioned is it that it survives at present only among the uncultured classes. The correct thing to do nowadays is to begin eating without reference to others. The old style must not only have been trying and consequence of seeing one's food grow cold before one's eyes but it must also have been responsible for making dinner a very slow and tedious meal. Now the attendants remove the plates from the guest first helped directly the fork is laid down and this greatly accelerates the service. The soup plate, if tilted at all, is raised at the side nearest the eater so that the soup collects at the furthest point from him. It is generally unnecessary to tilt the plate however but the thing to avoid is passing the left hand round it in a half embrace and tilting it towards the eater. This is highly incorrect. It is also dangerous. The soup has been known to spill on the cloth and even over the diner. When the servant is removing your soup plate he will sometimes ask any more sir to which you must reply in the negative. A shake of the head will suffice. Soup has never helped twice nor is fish. This is the next course. Bread is always eaten with fish. I have already explained that a silver knife and fork are used. The sauce handed is almost invariably accepted. Sometimes the crew it is handed round containing some sort of condiment suitable to the fish served. It is, of course, a matter of choice whether this be accepted or not. Very few diners work straight through a menu without omitting some dishes. The idea of giving so many is that there may be some to suit all tastes. No one is expected to take of all though it is quite permissible to do so. After the soup and fish the entrees are handed round. The dishes are presented at the left side of the diner and he helps himself with his right hand. A tablespoon being placed on the dish for that purpose or with both hands using spoon and fork should the nature of the dish render this necessary. When slices from a joint or game or poultry are handed round the vegetables, gravies, and sauces accompanying them are handed after. It is usual to wait for these etc. before beginning upon the meat, foul, venison, or game. For instance no one would commence upon a slice of roast beef or mutton without potatoes or gravy nor upon a piece of peasant without browned bread crumbs or bread sauce or gravy. I say no one would do it but I have seen it done whether in absence of mind or from pressure of appetite I cannot pretend to say. It is a mistake however. Cheese is handed round after the sweets in order to prepare the palate for the enjoyment of dessert wines. This at least was the original meaning of introducing it at this stage of the meal but now ice pudding when served follows it thus contradictorily re-establishing the reign of sweets. Savories are handed round with a cheese course. These are eaten with a fork. Even a cheese fondue is eaten with a fork though the cook occasionally fails to bring it to the requisite firmness of consistency in which case it looks more suited to a spoon but the fork must do. Celery is eaten with the fingers like asparagus. This last named by the way if too much cooked and consequently very soft and unmanageable may be eaten with the fork but must not be touched with the knife and again should asparagus be served with the melted butter thrown over it it must be eaten with a fork. It very seldom is so served but I have met with this mode in some houses. Cheese ramekins are eaten with the fingers. Cheese itself is handed round on a dish or plate with the pieces cut ready to one's hand. The diner helps himself with the knife laid ready beside the pieces of cheese not with his own knife. If water crest is handed round it is taken up in the fingers and eaten in the same way. Cheese is cut in small pieces and conveyed to the mouth on a piece of bread or biscuit. Very few persons continue to eat it in the old fashioned way by carrying it to the mouth with the knife. I have seen it taken up with the fingers but as cheese is apt to smell rather strongly it is better to avoid touching it. With regard to sweets it is a safe rule to use the fork only when it suffices for the work in hand. With tarts as a rule both spoon and fork are necessary especially when there is syrup. Cold tart can often be comfortably eaten with a fork. Jellies and creams are eaten with the fork only. Ice pudding with an ice spoon or failing that a teaspoon. From the moment one has unfolded one's napkin and place the bread contained at one's left there is nothing more to do that concerns the cover as the preparation for each diner's convenience is called until the dessert plate with its doily finger glass silver knife and fork and perhaps ice plate and spoon in addition is set down before one. Before the ore dessert are handed round one must place the dessert knife and fork at right and left respectively of one's plate and taking up the finger glass carefully in one hand with the other place the doily on the cloth to the left of one's plate then setting the finger glass down upon it I say carefully because these glasses are often of the lightest possible kind and are occasionally of a costly description besides rough handling might tend to spill the water they contain with regard to the dessert fruits et cetera there are a few puzzles to be found among them for the inexperienced grapes present one of these they are taken up singly and afterwards the skin and seeds have to be expelled unobtrusively as possible it is a matter of great difficulty to accomplish this by any other method than using the hand therefore this is the accepted custom the forefinger is curved above the mouth in a manner which serves to conceal the ejectment and the skin and seeds are in this way conveyed to the plate the fingers being afterwards wiped with the napkin bananas are peeled with the knife and fork and the pieces are conveyed to the mouth by means of the fork oranges are cut in two then in four and with the aid of knife and fork the contents of each section are extracted in two or more parts and carried to the lips on the fork apples and pears are peeled with the knife and fork peaches apricots and nectarines in the same way strawberries are taken by the stem dipped in sugar and cream and carried to the lips with the fingers if the fruit has been picked free of husks and stem it may be bruised on the plate with sugar and cream and eaten with a spoon preserved ginger is eaten with the knife and fork a spoon is necessary with pines melons and very juicy strawberries after they have been prepared with the knife and fork nuts are cracked with the nut crackers and then extracted by the fingers with philberts and brazil nuts the knife and fork are called into requisition in order to free them from skin but walnuts are too intricate for anything less wonderful and mechanism than the human hand in view of this they are sometimes prepared before being sent to table and of late years they have been sold ready cracked and peeled for this purpose almonds are never sent to table in their shells so that they present no difficulties to the novice at dessert they are usually accompanied by raisins which like the almonds are carried to the mouth in the fingers crystallized fruits are cut with the knife and fork unless they happen to be of a small size such as cherries in that case they are eaten whole being carried to the lips on the fork liqueurs are handed round at dessert poured out ready into the small glasses that are called after them there is generally a choice such as chartreuse or benedictine sir to which it is unnecessary to reply both please as a historic young man the servants often leave the dining room when the dessert is placed on the table and when this is so the wine is passed round from hand to hand each gentleman attending first to the lady he has escorted and then helping himself before passing on the decanter claret jug or champagne bottle the good old fashion of using silver decanter stands has long disappeared to the detriment of many a good tablecloth so has the genial and hospitable fashion of drinking wine with one's guests and they with each other but this may be rather a good thing in the interests of temperance apropos to this subject I may remark that there is now nothing singular in drinking nothing but water the days are gone when a man was thought a milk-stop because he could not drink his bottle or if he refused wine or spirits should any young man prefer water? he asks for it when the servants offer him wine he is then offered a polonaris or distilled water or soda water or some other preparation of filtered and distilled water and may choose some of these in preference to plain water claret is the favorite dessert wine of the day but port is still seen at some tables and it is usual to offer champagne as many prefer to drink only one kind of wine throughout the meal from start to finish in fact this is becoming quite a fashion in some sets the host provides cigars and cigarettes for his guests and it would not be necessary or advisable to produce one's own supply when the ladies rise to leave the dining room the gentleman nearest the door opens the door for them and stands beside it until they have all passed through when he closes it after them however anxious he may be to join them in the drawing room he must not do so until the others make a move sometimes if he is very young and rather out of it when politics are sport or under discussion his host says to him I'm afraid you are bored if you would like to join the ladies don't stand on ceremony but on the other hand he may dread the ordeal of entering the drawing room alone and feel that the safer way is to wait for a convoy this he must decide for himself perhaps his host may wish to talk confidentially with some other guest if he makes this apparent to the younger man the latter must accept any such intimidation as the above understanding it to be a courteous mode of dismissing him the ordinary rule is that the gentleman joins the ladies all together the man of highest position leaving the dining room first the host last tea is then carried round in the drawing room and the gentleman take the empty cups from the ladies and put them down in some safe place out of the way of risk of accident should any lady sing or play the gentleman nearest to her escorts her to the piano and helps her to arrange her music to dispose of her gloves fan handkerchief etc it is scarcely etiquette for young men to leave first after a dinner party it is more usual for the elders of the party to make the first move towards departure but should the young man have an engagement of a pressing kind such as a promise to escort ladies to a ball he must withdraw in good time explaining the position to his hostess no one leaves after a dinner party without saying good night to his host and hostess even in the case of an early departure before the gentleman have left the dining room the guest must visit the drawing room to make his ajeu not only to the lady of the house but to any others whom may be of his acquaintance those whom he has meant for the first time that evening may be saluted with a parting bow at a formal dinner party the evening suit is imperative with a dress coat white or black waist coat black trousers and white tie when dining with friends with whom one is on terms of familiarity the dinner jacket may be substituted for the coat black ties often take the place of white patent leather shoes or boots must be worn it would be unpardonable to appear in thick walking boots or shoes and the necessity for immaculately polished foot gear has cost the young man of the present day many a cab his varnished shoes must show no trace of mud or dust to tell the truth he often carries a silk handkerchief in his pocket wherewith to obliterate the traces of the ladder the pocket handkerchief used with evening dress must be of white chambrick and of as good a color as one's washerwoman will permit it ought to be a fine quality the hair must be short and very well brushed it used to be the custom to tip the servants on leaving the house where one had dined as a guest but this has fallen into disuse there are many men who hand a silver coin to the butler or footman or waiting maid who helps them into their coats calls up their carriage or hails a cab for them seeing them into it or rendering any other service of a similar kind this is a matter that each man must decide for himself it is only necessary to remark that the custom of giving shillings or half-crowns to the servants after a dinner party no longer reigns though there are always good nature folk who will not let it absolutely die out End of Chapter 11 Recording by Jen Broda