 Welcome to your orientation. I am Agent MaximBody. I'm your instructor on account that my leg is broken and someone in personnel hates me. Now you're here because the possibility exists that you're not jackasses and you might could be useful in the containment of you know, anomalous items what are gonna try to kill you. So let's start with a basic mission. We are out to find weird shit and bring it back and then to contain it. Yeah, more scholarly colleagues are the ones who study it from behind bulletproof glass and bitch about how hard the job is. They're receiving a similar briefing in room 67. Oh, and they had coffee and donuts in there in case she was hoping there might be some modicum of justice in this cold, uncaring bitch of a universe. Anyway, some of yous is gonna be retrieval like me, while others are gonna be in containment. Yeah, might even switch it around sometimes, but retrieval is generally preceded by investigation by Intel and Intel, who also have coffee and donuts in case you were wondering how far the budget stretches. We'll go forth, find leads, gather facts, and then tell you sweet fuck all. And on receipt of this dearth of information, you will go out to exotic locales where you will be forbidden from stopping and having a drink or conversing with the locals what aren't trying to kill you. And then you'll go to wherever the Intel tells you the fuck to go and an agent much higher on the food chain than you will go and talk to the people for the purposes of figuring out what's going on. Do not envy this agent. Shit goes wrong. He's in the worst place possible. But anyway, once he gives the go-ahead, the rest of the team comes in and takes out the skip as quiet as possible. Skip, by the way, is what we call anomalous entities, and I'm sure I do not need to tell you where it comes from. Now, skips don't come along so quiet as we would like. I mean, yeah, sure, maybe it's nice inanimate object, don't hurt no one or some guy who don't even want to go around free if he's hurting someone. I mean, most of the time it's something easy, but sometimes it's something that I really don't want to come along quiet like and it has the means to enforce its wishes. So you apply stronger coercion. Ideally, Intel will figure out what the skip can take and you can proceed directly to enough firepower to knock it loopy. But ideally, we would have coffee and donuts. Since we usually go in to inject shit, you go in with your bare hands and you just kind of work it up from there. Now, at a certain point, it's gonna look like you're gonna have to choose between catching the skip and coming home on your own two feet. Who here is willing to die rather than give up the mission? All right, we've got one, two, three, four. Okay, U5 fail. Counter to what some dingbats will tell you. The latter is actually the preferred option. Capturing skips is the name of the game, but finding agents who can actually do the fucking job is hard. And you can always catch more skips later. Your best option is to run the fuck away. That way they can always send somebody else to get the fucker. And if you can't, when it comes down to a life-alem decision, well, that's when you got to pull your gun out and you shoot the fucker. And if that don't work, you shoot it again because 99 times out of 100 shooting will work if you do enough of it. And by the way, this don't mean you got to leave to shoot anything that moves because Agent Lombardi told you so. You do it when you gotta. We aim to bring these things in whole and intact, but if that ain't gonna happen, the foundation will settle for studying what's left. Anyway, those are the basics of retrieval. The rest you're gonna get involved in containment. Now, containment is in some ways easier. You know what the skip is, and hopefully you got some idea what the damn thing does and how to stop it. But there are always complications. At first off, the skip might be watching you too depending on how smart it is. That means it's got a better idea of what we can do. It gets out. It's gonna know what the uniforms mean and who's likely to be armed. It's also gonna be pissed. Ideally, it is more pissed that the guys in white coats stick a needles into it, but it might remember it was you and your buddies who rolled it up and brought it here. Also, unless you're a single skip sight, if it gets loose, it might let others out too. And suddenly, you're dealing with like five or six skips instead of just one. Now, they might just start fighting amongst themselves, but you're gonna have to go in the middle of all that to break it up and they ain't just gonna play along. Also, remember how I said most of the time, retrieval is going after something harmless? Yeah, you don't get that luxury. Sure, some of the skips you got in a save, but some of them will rip your head out and scoop out your brains. And you're around them every fucking day. This is especially true if you're one of them single skip sights I mentioned, because they don't put them kind of resources to work to watch the fucking vending machine. Alright, so that's life as an agent for you. Any questions? Yeah, you with the glasses and the turtleneck. How weird? Well, I once saw a guy have his bones turned into jelly. Grape jelly. Yes, they did the tests. They all came back grape. Is that weird enough for you? Yeah, guy with the buzz cut, shoot. Who decides what we go after? Okay, generally it'll be the sight director in charge of retrieval. Ultimately, it goes up the O5 council, but they're really more into general strategy than day-to-day operations. Yeah, you with the messed up piercing. I don't know where this shit comes from. It's Intel's job to figure that shit out. Please refer back to my earlier statements on Intel. Yeah, red shirt. Third row? Oh, health benefits. Yeah, they're great. If you come back alive and we get the best doctors on the planet and supposedly get you back on your feet, they'll do it. Yeah, you in the back with the duck. Upside to the job. Well, for one thing, we get paid pretty good. So, you know, that's something, I guess. For the other though, if we don't do the job, the world's probably gonna end. Now we can all laugh, but that ain't actually a joke. Seriously, someone's gotta do this. So if you want to live to see tomorrow, you choose to do this. Okay, Tubby, what's your question? Oh, how do you get one of the grooves with the coffee and donuts? Well, you go fuck yourself. That's how. Yeah, the skinny twerp with the goatee. Clef, yeah. He's a researcher slash agent slash, I don't know what the fuck. I mean, seriously, most of the stories you hear about him are bullshit. The rest are also bullshit, but maybe based on something that kind of happened once if you squint. In any case, you ain't Clef, so don't get any ideas. When you've been around a while, you can start thinking about emulating him, except you'll probably be too smart to. Okay, last one, the dame by the door. Oh, the monkey. Yeah, that's Dr. Bright. He's harmless. That being said, you got a taser and he has genitalia, so if you run into any problems, you put them together. See what happens. So, yeah, that concludes the briefing, I guess. Since you've been so good, I arranged to get punching cookies. It ain't as good as coffee and donuts, but hey, I didn't put laxatives in these.