 Well hello and welcome to Jonathan from the Heart. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this short video of you today. Our topic we're going to talk about male midlife crisis and what to know about it. Now really quickly if you're brand new to my YouTube channel please hit the subscribe button hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos and if any time during this video the content resonates with you please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Also these are my weekend videos I shoot out on my balcony very similar to the videos I shoot my private group called Midlife Love Mastery. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis and if you post questions in the Facebook group I shoot personalized videos just for you. So if you need my support and you can't afford coaching you might want to check out my groups so check out the link below. Alright we're going to talk about midlife crisis but before we do I just have a real quick rant because when I wake up in the morning and I check my analytics on YouTube a lot of videos will pop up and what's interesting is I've seen this huge proliferation of young women who are giving dating advice you know women in their 20s maybe early 30s giving dating advice all centered around how men are supposed to be chivalrous and women sit in their feminine energy and men will just claim you because men traditionally when they like someone they're going to go after them and that's certainly true to some degree we men biologically speaking when we are physically attracted to a person and we want sexual connection with that person we may go after them like you know like a you know be going to honey kind of thing that may be true but does that really signify a man being in a relationship? Can you apply a lot of that and what's interesting is a lot of the rhetoric I hear especially from my contemporaries you know that men when they are in love they're just going to do whatever it takes to make you happy and that men are these certain creatures that are just so perfect and you know what and a lot of this advice will tell women to do their own personal development work but takes no consideration about what might be going inside a man so I'm here to step into that conversation because my audience is midlife and I basically say midlife is after baby making years and before retirement so if you're 42 to 69 that's the demographic I speak to primarily because what I'm about to share today and it centers around the multiple things happening at midlife that cause human beings to practically unravel. I call it where our blueprint collides with our reality, our blueprint collides with our reality and for example my blueprint growing up was really simple it was my folks would tell me you know after high school you're going to go to college you're going to go to college you're going to go to college and after college you're going to get a job, you're going to get a job and then after getting a job you're going to meet a gal and then you're going to get married by a house and start a family that was the blueprint the revolutionary road if you didn't see the movie with with Kate Widslett and oh my Leonardo DiCaprio you know it's back in the 50s that centered around this whole belief of this fantasy of how relationships would be and then he has a midlife they both have a midlife crisis in fact in this conversation this isn't singular to men this is both for men and women alike. The reason why I'm leaning into this conversation because folks I went through this on a horrific scale on so many different levels and maybe you might glean something from this part of the conversation so I was told to get a job meet a girl get married by a house start a family I did all that and roughly right at around age I think I want to say age 39 or 40 I mean just you know I was living what I thought was an idyllic life but quite frankly I really wasn't I was starting to experience a lot of things happening inside of me centered around you know who am I why am I here all that kind of stuff started to happen and then the worst thing that happened I lost my quarter million dollar a year job and it happened at the same month that my wife asked for a divorce so imagine these two colliding things happening going through and quite frankly I was I mean in all retrospect I'm grateful she asked for the divorce she had very valid reasons for asking the divorce and I don't want to get into the particulars of that but imagine going through a divorce and losing your job at the same time and I had a quarter million dollar a year job in fact right around 2008 there was all of these you know we had this financial crisis that happened and lots and pizza people lost their job and then we just had a pandemic now and lots of people have lost their jobs so I'm going through this divorce and job loss and I found comfort in doing drugs alcohol and cereal dating that's where I found my comfort was in this area now I didn't realize it was preparing me for what I'm doing today but I'm just telling you I used to go to bed wishing I didn't wake up for the longest time and I had two young children and I was struggling on the inside and this is true for so many men they go through and mine wasn't just what was happening in the moment it was also an unraveling of what was happening in what happened in my childhood because why I'm sharing this part of it today is because if you're not familiar with the work of Brene Brown I highly recommend checking out her books called the gift of imperfection the gift of imperfection but she has a article she says it's called midlife unraveling I highly recommend googling midlife unraveling this is where all the armor that we built up through our childhood wounds and traumas and then of course our adult traumas as well all this armor that we've built up starts to unravel from an emotional perspective in fact the real reason why this oftentimes happens is because we have repressed emotions and then we can only take so much as a human being men and women like we can only take so much when we have these repressed emotions that it's going to unravel it's going to implode it's going to explode and this happens you know for some people in their late 30s for some people are even 40s for some people in their 50s oftentimes there's a traumatic event that's happened like a divorce or a job loss or a physical issue and so I'm sharing this all because we have to look at human beings from the bigger picture not from this fantasy of masculine does and feminine receives and all you have to do is sit in your feminine it's all just going to magically work out because I'm here to say humans are riddled with issues with flaws and it requires an understanding and not this listen I'm not here to suggest that you want to invest in a boat broken piece of property I'm not here to suggest that you want to you you want to purchase a fixer upper but we all have some fixing up to do this is why I'm such a big proponent of humans doing personal development work this is why I wrote my book what the heck is self-love anyway what the heck is self-love anyway by the way there's a link below to get my book and why I'm sharing this with you why this conversation is so important to understanding men in particular is that they are not these perfect creatures just like you're not a perfect creature we are all struggling on the inside in some way shape or form so the question now begs what are you going to do about this okay first I want us all as human beings to come from this place of you know compassion instead of this expectation way of dating the reason why I judge and criticize my contemporaries especially these younger ones it's all based on expectation that a man is supposed to do this to make a woman feel safe well here's the thing ladies we men when we start going to this unraveling we don't feel safe and to then and then oftentimes a lot of coaches judge it well that's just a man who's just an insecure weak man and I can't be with an insecure weak man I have to be with a alpha male so I can feel good and I need that alpha male to pursue me so I can feel good about myself we are here in the United States in particular suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself and imagine somebody who's suffering on the inside how are they going to be able to support you how are they going to be there for you if they're struggling on the inside so this is why I'm such a big proponent of individuals doing their own work while there may be exploring a relationship together if you're not familiar with the book the Hoffman process the Hoffman process I highly recommend this this is a if you bought this book and did the work in here this is a 50-hour deep dive into healing your own stuff and what's going to happen through this process is you're going to come at it quite more compassionate towards yourself and compassionate towards men okay why is this so important I want to get to that piece okay I'm so anxious I'm by the way I'm really quickly my shirt is Batman today and my coffee mug is the Hoffman process what I just shared why this is such why I wore the shirt today because Batman's a perfect example of this he lost his children or he lost his parents at I think age 11 or 12 imagine the imagine the traumatic effect that has on a child and how he channeled that was to become I mean he became a recluse and then he became a champion for others because he was really I mean I don't want to get into the picture but particulars of that allegory if you will I'm just here to share he's a perfect example where he became very withdrawn and this happens to so many human beings this is why if you're not this is why the fantasy of love that many of these you know coaches are trying to sell you on doesn't contemplate these two other important factors you must consider and that's love attachment style and if you're not familiar with the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller I highly check recommend you checking that out and also the Amago why we tend to choose people like our parents you have to check out the book getting the love you want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt why is this so important because a lot of what we believe is love is either we're falsely attached to another human being or we're chasing the love of our parents through another human being so this is why you many of you ladies get hung up on men when you're not really experiencing true love you're just experiencing some level of attachment or desire to heal okay so here's what I recommend for everybody going forward is if okay so I want you to decide do you want a casual relationship or do you want a serious relationship I repeat that do you want a casual relationship or do you want a serious relationship the reason being is a casual relationship basically is companionship connection and sex without all the expectation of where is this relationship going to end up and without any expectation of future partnership and for some people they may only be capable men and women alike may be only capable of a casual relationship so I want you to get really crystal clear on what it is you want okay now a serious relationship means that there is some sort of destination you want to either move in together get married or have some level of partnership with one another that's a more serious relationship and I think it's important to identify that very early on in fact a lot of people in midlife women in particular might only be capable of a casual relationship just like most men are only capable of a casual relationship so identify that first now this is the tricky part oftentimes you might say I'm only want a casual relationship when you actually want something more and this is where you get into a lot of conflict because here's the problem you both agreed right from the get go you want something casual not all of a sudden you want something more serious and that space in between that's called drama that's called drama because that's what happens when it there's a unmet expectation from another human being okay so again coming back to being on the same page for those of you who want a serious relationship and you want to vet where is this man on his journey of his midlife crisis where is he in the tunnel is he entering the tunnel like the first you know like the first five years of my after my divorce was strung out on drugs and alcohol and that sort of thing or is he in the five years you know coming out of the tunnel and it's okay to meet someone who's on the way out they don't have to be completely out but so long as they're on the way out and let me tell you how men show up when they're on the way out and they want a serious relationship they actually are seeking some level of partnership with one another a collaboration with another human being and they're not driven by the testosterone leads and the feminine just sits back they're not driven that way they're seeking someone who wants to lean into a co-creative kind of relationship the relationship I constantly talk about where it's a two lane street where you're traveling together okay it's not him pulling you along or chasing you so you feel validated okay and a lot of young girls want to teach you and I said girls I feel bad but a lot of young women say they they're teaching advice is all centered around all about princess energy that a man is supposed to prove his worth to you that doesn't happen in midlife I mean just be grateful that you have someone who's interested and wants to explore something with you and what I'd like to invite you to do is if you two decide to date to spend some time getting to know one another and then you decide you want to explore a relationship with one another I highly recommend ordering two copies of this book called eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman if you've agreed you want to explore a relationship together and before you have sexual intercourse with one another I highly recommend getting this book and reading it together so you can get a sense of a framework is is this something we want to explore together and a man who's in the middle of his midlife crisis I mean he's just beginning or he's in the middle of it he's not going to want to do this he's not going to want to do this someone who is in the process of healing and they might be doing some therapy they might be doing some inner work they might be exploring themselves from an introspective perspective it might be that they're reading books they would welcome this kind of additional support because that's what this provides this book provides that additional support by the way there's a link to Jonathan recommends books below so why does midlife crisis happen because when we have repressed emotions when we have a repressed feelings there is going to be an implosion at some point and a lot of people go down the drugs the alcohol like I did along with you know a lot of different things there's sex addicts there's porn addicts there's gambling addicts there's all these things ways to cope and at some point some men never get out of that and then some men push through and my hope is that you do a better job of being intentional in the early stage of dating rather than the fantasy way of dating because that's going to set you up for failure I want you to approach this from this understanding that human beings are riddled with flaws and it's okay you are they are let's stop expecting this what does the book say you know let's stop expecting perfectionism and understand that there's an imperfect world out there and by the way I am not here remotely suggesting you compromise your boundaries or accept bad behavior I'm just here to say let's have compassion for another person's journey and be intentional right from the get go because that is a better way to start off to find out if you're on the same page or if you're in two different boats going in two different directions okay I think you get the gist of where I'm going alright I'd like to hear your thoughts on this please post a comment below I do my best to read them all and even respond if you like my shirt please tell me about it if you're if you read any of the books let me know about it if you feel like let me just share this if this works for you let me know as well I want to hear about it so post a comment below alright I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear a hug of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear a pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it we could all use more love in our lives thanks a bunch bye bye now