 Good health to all from Rexall. It's the Phil Harris Alice Faye show presented by the makers of Rexall drug products and 10,000 independent Rexall family druggists. Good evening. This is your Rexall family druggist with a welcome from all 10,000 of us. The 10,000 independent druggists who have chosen to make the word Rexall part of our own store names. We tell you this by the orange and blue Rexall sign on our windows. And we've placed that famous symbol there because we carry the 2,000 or more drug products made by the Rexall drug company. Like Bismarex, for example, this soothing antacid is one of Rexall's most famous products and for good reason. In Bismarex, scientifically balanced ingredients work in a continuous relay to bring you prompt and prolonged relief from acid indigestion. Yes, Bismarex is just one more outstanding example of why we family druggists tell you you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Good health to all from Rexall. And now your Rexall family druggist brings you the Phil Harris Alice Faye show. Written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Rousse, and Whitfield. Walter Sharpen is music. Yours truly, Bill Foreman and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Some time ago, Phil was shown a blue mink coat which was suggested as a Christmas present for Alice. After two weeks of indecision, he has finally decided to buy it and he's brought Frankie down to the fur shop for his expert opinion. Mr. Harris, will you please make up your mind? You've had this young lady modeling the fur coat for an hour now. She's getting tired of walking back and forth in front of you. Well, I like the coat, but I've saved my money a long time to get a coat as good as this. Well, I'm not going to buy it until Mr. Remley makes a decision. What do you say, Frankie? Keep her walking. Haven't made up my mind yet. But Frankie, the girl's getting exhausted. Don't be so thoughtless. Okay, she can rest a while. Come here, honey. Sit on my lap. Now, look, baby, I'm going to give you one more chance. Are you still busy tonight? Remley, stop leering at her. Now, let's get back to your decision on the mink coat. All I want is your answer. You ain't getting no answer from me. Don't I get an answer from her? For the last time, honey, you're going to go out with me tonight, or aren't you? No. Get up and keep walking. Mr. Harris, about the coat. Remley ought to be ashamed of yourself. Trying to date a strange girl just because she has a pretty face and a smalty figure. How a man can lure himself to such depths of degradation is completely beyond my can. Well, lobby dog. Early, where'd you get that line? From the Stella Dallas program. She's on too early and asked me to release it at this more convenient time. About the coat. Look, Remley, I want to give you a little tip on women. And listen closely, kid, because this comes from the former leader of Wolfpack, number 47. Don't ever force yourself on a dame. About the coat. Don't throw yourself at women. Let them throw themselves at you. That's what I used to do. Why, I dated hundreds of gals and I had no trouble getting them to go out with me. All I did was ask them one simple question and they'd say yes every time. What'd you ask them? Do you want a mink coat? How did you know, bud? Oh, oh, oh, you mean do I want this mink coat? For a minute, I thought he was psycho. Frankie, I've made up my mind. I'm gonna buy the coat. Well, thank heavens. Not so fast. How much you want for this mink diet alley cat? Oh, well, this is a genuine blue mink. And the price is $4,000. Oh, he must be kidding, Curly. $4,000 for a mink? Sure. Them little animals are worth a lot of dough. If they weren't, they couldn't afford to run around and mink coats. That don't seem fair. I get $35 a week and one of them little... I hate my father. Why? He made me be a musician when I could have been a mink. He could have become a mink? With Frankie, it's possible. He's done stranger things than that, mister. Pardon me, gentlemen, but which one of you is the psychiatrist? What are you talking about, psychiatrist? One of you must be. Surely they wouldn't let two nuts out alone. I'm sorry, Mr. Harris, but I can't waste any more time for a lousy $4,000 sale. We told you we'll take the coats or wrap her up. Very well, Mitzy. Take off the coat. Yes. Not so fast. What do you mean telling her to take it off? Keep it on, Mitzy. We're having you wrapped up. The model does not go with the coat. You mean we're spending $4,000 and all we get is an empty coat? Come on, let's get out of here, Curly. There's a clip joint. Remly, I want the coat empty. I don't think Alice would like a roommate in her mink. Wrap the coat up, mister. I'll take it with me. I don't know if this coat will fit your life. What size does she wear? Well, I ain't sure. All I know is she's got a 54 waist. A 54 waist? Fat money belt. What's her waist measurement without the belt? I wouldn't know. She hasn't had it off in eight years. Look, mister, I'll go home and I'll get my wife's measurements, and then I'll come back and then... Oh, gee, but how can I get her measurements without making her suspicious? I can get them for you, Curly. I'll mark my arm off like a tape measure, put it around your wife's waist, tighten up, and then I can... I wait, wait. Why do you have to do it with your arm? So in case I don't get her measurement, it shouldn't be a total loss. Never mind, Remly. Never mind. But I like your idea, but I'm the one that's going to do it. Now, come on, let's get over to the house. Hey, we'll see you later, mister. Bye, Metsy. Take my list off for Santa Claus. No, I'll do it now, Alice. What was it you wanted me to ask for? I want a pretty dress, new shoes, a washing machine like yours, only a toy one, and a bicycle. All right, honey, you run along and I'll start your letter to Santa. Let me see now. Things Alice wants for Christmas. Dress, shoes, washing machine, bicycle. Hello, Alice. The door was open, so I just walked in. Oh, hello, Willie. What are you doing? Writing to Santa Claus. You're writing to... Oh, my poor sister. I knew if she stayed married to that man long enough, she'd get just as feeble-minded as he is. I'm writing it for baby Alice. And as soon as I finish this one for Alice, I have to write one for Phil. Oh, Alice should be ready. Surely Philip doesn't expect you to write a letter to Santa Claus for him? He doesn't, huh? Last year I forgot to write to Phil's letter and on Christmas Eve, you refused to go to bed until I called Santa long distance. Alice, you've been married to him for eight years now. Aren't you finally ready to admit you made a mistake? No. Phil's boyishness is part of his charm. He may not be the smartest man in the world, but I didn't want a mental giant. I know. Where is Tiny Tim? Oh, he's downtown shopping for my Christmas present. You know what, Willie? He's going to surprise me with a $4,000 blue mink coat. Well, if it's a surprise, how do you know about it? Somebody is going to suggest it to him. What makes you so sure? I know a furrier. You know, I've always wanted a blue mink. But Alice, do you think you can wear mink? What do you mean? Mommy, I... Oh, hello, Uncle Willie. Hello, dear. I just... Alice. Alice, don't interrupt when people are talking. Just what did you mean by that, Willie? Well, I wondered if you could word because you're allergic to certain furs. Oh, no. The only fur I'm allergic to is links. What does allergic mean, Mommy? Oh, I'll explain it some other time, honey. I have to start lunch. Your daddy will be home soon. Well, Frankie, I got my arm marked off, but I'm afraid this is going to make Alice suspicious. The last time I came home and put my arm around her, she called the police and made them give me a sobriety test. Well, gee, Curly, there must be some way you can get her measurements without... Hey, I got it. I got it. It just came to me. I know a way to get it, boy. I know a way to get it. I know a way to get it. I know a way to get it. I know a way to get it. I know a way to get it. I know a way to get it. I know a way to get it. I know a way to get it. I know a way to get it, boy. I know a way to get my arm around her. She'll never catch on. Hey, Alice, I'm home. Hey, watch how smooth this is. Oh, hello, Phil. Shall we dance, darling? Oh, how we danced on the night we were wed. Well, stop waltzing me around the room. What's the matter with you? I feel like dancing. Oh, how we danced. We're so tightly embraced. Rim marked is down 24 on the way. Would you mind repeating that number again? 24 way. And now what's with the hip? Well, hold it, my friend. I need a bull farms for this. That's what we need. You can now let her go. Oh, no. One course for length. Oh. Let's go dance with each other. I have to finish making lunch. All right. Hey, Frankie, I didn't get all the measurements. Look, I'm going upstairs and get the size out of one of her other coats. Stay here and warn me if she happens to come up that way. All right. All this fuss to get her fur coat. Oh, well, as long as I have to wait and there's nothing to do, I might as well read their personal mail. What have we here? Well, a threatening letter from the gas company. Oh, look at this bill Alice got from the beauty shop. $400 for one month. How can a woman? Oh, that's Curly's bill. This is kind of dull. I think I'll look at the outgoing mail. Well, I'm glad to see they're buying Christmas seals. Hey, what's this? Things Alice wants for Christmas. She must have left this here as a hint for Curly. Let's see. No fur coat on here. All she wants is a dress, shoes, washing machine, and a bicycle. Alice wants a bicycle? Oh, must be to reduce her heavy hips. Could it be possible she doesn't want a fur coat? I better tell Curly. Allergic. Allergic. That's a funny word. I wonder what it means. Hello, baby Alice. You talking to yourself? Hello, Uncle Frankie. I heard mommy say she was allergic to fur, and I wonder what it meant. Oh, it means she's allergic to fur? What kind of fur? Oh, it sounded something like rinks or pinks or... You mean mink? That's it, minks. Well, I better go in and have my lunch. I'll see you later, Uncle Frankie. How do you like that? Only Curly could be that lucky. Probably one dame and a million that's allergic to mink, he's married to her. Saves himself $4,000. Well, Ramley, hey, I got Alice's size. We're all set now. Curly, I got wonderful news for you. Your wife is allergic to mink. What are you talking about? How do you know? She told baby Alice she can't wear mink. Oh, Frankie, this is terrible. I've been saving for eight years to buy her that coat, and now she can't wear it. Fine thing. Now I'm stuck with $4,000. I'll be glad to help pry you loose from it. I know where we can lay our hands on a defunct bank in Brooklyn. Never mind. That, my heart set on getting her this coat. Oh, Curly, if you feel that way about it, get the coat. But she's allergic to mink. So what? She can do the same thing my aunt did. My uncle bought her a mink coat and she was allergic to it. As soon as she put it on her nose acted up something awful, started sneezing. She couldn't breathe. It was terrible. What'd she do? What any woman would do if she was allergic to mink. Oh, sent the coat back, huh? No, she wears it all the time. You should see how beautiful that coat looks on Aunt No-Nose. Aunt No-Nose. You mean she... Yep. The furrier paid for the operation. Silly. I ain't gonna let Alice have any op... Furrier pays for it, huh? Well, she'd look with a... No. Gee, this spoils my whole Christmas. Now, what am I gonna give her? Fortunately, you happen to have a friend who doesn't mind his own business. I have here a list that Alice made up of what she wants for Christmas. You do? Oh, Rem, you dove you. Hey, let me have it. Let me see it. There you are. Yeah, let's see what's there. Yeah, dress, shoes, washing machine, bicycle. Nice and shoes, I can understand. But what in the world does she want with a washing machine? Well, you know Alice, she likes to keep busy. Maybe she's gonna take in washing. What's the bicycle for? So she can deliver the washing after... Why don't you stop? Well, it's the truth. It is not. She wouldn't take that work away from her mother. Besides, Alice has a washing machine and I... Hey, I got it. I guess she must mean a dish washing machine. She's always wanted one. But gee, it doesn't seem like enough of a present. Besides, it's not a glamorous gift for a girl like Alice. You're right, Curly. It ain't enough and it ain't glamorous. Hey, I got it. Get her a combination. A dish washing machine and the garbage disposal unit. That's glamorous. Well, if that's what she wants, I'll get it for her. Now, look, Remli, I want to get all the shopping done today because I'm leaving tonight for Houston, Texas. Well, what are you gonna do there? Well, I'm gonna appear with Jack Benny and Dinah Shore to big charity football game and show on Saturday afternoon. And all of the proceeds will go to the Damon Runyon Cancer Fund, the National Kids Foundation and Holly Hall of Houston. So, you see, it's important that I get the shopping done today. Now, I'll go down and order the dress and the shoes and you go over and order a bicycle and that washing machine combination. Okay, let's go. Hey, Alice, we're going now. See you later. Wait a minute, Phil. I want you to listen to the song I'm gonna do on Sunday. Every time I mention my song, he runs out of the house. Professional jealousy. Oh, well, I'll do it for my own amusement. Be goodie, good, good to me. I'll be goodie, good, good to you. Giving me all your kisses and I'll give mine to you. Don't go out with anyone else. I'll tell the boys I'm loose. Be goodie, good, good to me. I'll be goodie, good, good to you. Brothers, try to date you. Resist with all your might and we'll tear up our little black book and see you every night. Don't wander in the moonlight with anyone but me and I won't sit with anyone else beneath the apple tree. Be goodie, good, good to me. I'll be goodie, good, good to you. Give me all your kisses and I'll give mine to you. Don't go out with anyone else. I'll tell the boys I'm loose. Be goodie, good, good to me. I'll be goodie, good, good to you. When someone else says, I'd love, dear, to say no, no can do. Be goodie, good, good to me. I'll be goodie, good, good to you. It's been so long to get back to the house. I did my shopping and I... Uh-oh, that must be him now. Hiya, Curly. Well, everything's taken care of. How'd you make out? Well, I got the dress, I got the shoes and I got... Remly, what are those two crates you have there? One is the dishwashing machine and the other is the disposal unit. Oh, yeah, yeah. They didn't have a combination so we'll have to put them together ourselves. Yeah. Yeah, we're very handy at that sort of thing. Uh, look, Alice is at the market so I'll tell you what let's do. Let's get into that kitchen and start installing it right now. Hey, we're doing all right, you know what? Oh, of course, that's a cinch. Now, let me see. We got to connect it up to the water pipe. Yeah, but I wish we had a little more room under this sink. It's kind of cramped in here, you can't... Where are the groceries? Where is everybody? Oh, we're down here, Julius. Down where? We're under the sink. Well, that's a logical place for a couple of drips. We're under here to help Mrs. Harris. She wanted a dishwashing machine and the garbage disposal unit. Installing the machines. Oh, you want to learn something, huh? Yeah, listen, applied stupidity. Now, let me tell you something, kid. Listen, watch, we want you to be quiet. You understand? Quiet. All right, now, Remy, let's get back to that pipe. Right. Now, there are two pipes here. Mm-hmm. One is for gas and one is for water. Which is which? This is the water pipe. Uh-uh. That said, be quiet, kid. You heard him, be quiet. That's right, quiet. Pianissimo. Do you? Let it go, let it go. I wouldn't even attempt that myself. That's as tough as a foreign word. I know a water pipe when I see one, kid. All right, now, look, Curly, while you hook up this pipe, I'll get the two units installed in the sink, okay? All right. Listen, Frankie, we got the whole thing installed. Uh, meat job, huh, Judas? All right, Curly. Turn on the water and watch it work. Okay. Hey, listen to that water. Look in the dishwasher, you'll see it pouring in. Francis. Huh? It ain't coming into the dishwasher. Look on your side. That ain't coming into the disposal unit either. Family, you must have connected the gas pipe to the sink. Oh, Curly, I'm not that stupid. I forgot to turn on the water valve to the sink. Now then, I'll connect it and we'll audition it. Wait a minute, Frankie, are you sure we put this thing together right? Aren't these two units supposed to be separate? No, no, no. We got them right. The garbage disposal unit fits right in the middle of the dishwashing machine. That's the way you make a combination of it. You do? Sure. That's wonderful. Gee, Frankie, you know everything. What a perfect friendship. I'm telling you something, kid. You better keep quiet if you want to stand there now. You keep out of this. All right, Remli, now how's it work? It's very simple. You take all your dirty dishes with the leftovers and put them in the washer, thusly. Now you put the knives and forks in too. Oh, they'll both go in there too. Everything. Now when you turn it on, gravity holds the dishes to be washed while centrifugal force throws the refuse into the disposal unit. Figures? It'll work. Now that I've got everything in there, all I have to do is turn on the faucet, let it run for a while, open it up and press though we have... Finally ground 30 dishes and sparkling garbage. Well, you do me a favor. Now stop arguing with that kid and let's get busy. All right, Julius, you're so smart, we're going to show you. I'll just... Bill, so will you come out to the car and help me get... Well, what are you fellows doing in the kitchen? Oh, shucks, Alice. Now you came in too soon. Oh, well, as long as you're here, I might as well show it to you. Hey, honey, now you come over here and stand in front of the sink. Oh, have I got a surprise for you, baby? Honey, now you just watch while I turn this faucet on. What's that? Now just watch. Back in just a moment. But first, here's your Rexall... Whenever a customer asks me to recommend a brand of aspirin, I tell them to choose the tablet that's air conditioned. Now I've heard everything. Which one is that? Naturally, it's Rexall aspirin, ma'am. Why do you call it the air conditioned tablet? Well, it's like this. It's the extremely low moisture content of Rexall aspirin that makes it the fastest disintegrating tablet you can buy. And in order to keep it that way, through every step of its manufacture, Rexall aspirin is compounded and compressed into tablets in specially sealed air conditioned rooms where the humidity and temperature are kept at ideal levels. And that's why you say choose the aspirin tablet that's air conditioned. Exactly, ma'am. By laboratory test, Rexall aspirin disintegrates faster than any other leading brand tested. That's good enough for me. And it's good enough for 10,000 independent family druggers, too. Quality like that is what we're talking about when we tell you you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Good health to all from Rexall. We're a little late, so good night, folks. We're on our way to Houston. We'll see you, Sam Maciel. Good night, everybody. Good night. In a recent nationwide survey, American homemakers agreed that one of the most important items in the family medicine cabinet is a reliable all-around mouthwash and gargle. No wonder then that millions of American mothers choose Rexall's MI-31 to fill that need. Used full strength. Rexall MI-31 kills contacted germs in a matter of seconds. And remember, Rexall gives you a full pint of MI-31 at the same price you pay for smaller quantities of other leading brands. Ask for it wherever you see the orange and blue Rexall sign on the window. And remember, you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Stay tuned for Sam Spade, then three great stars on Theater Guild on NBC. Thanks for watching.