 So I'm recording my first video for my new digs a little bit further away from the ocean than before All right, let's jump into the topic about What men need to commit so I want to share with you that recently my girlfriend and I were watching Binge watching a show called married at first sight married at first sight now I know it's a reality show and reality shows are oftentimes junk and I will tell you that I Kind of tend to agree with that with most reality shows But I thought it was interesting to watch this Experience where couples got together without ever meeting one another getting married and they were put in the incubator of relationships over the next Let's see, I think they got married spent one week honeymoon Somewhere tropical and then spent eight weeks together to see if they could actually make this work And I thought this is really fascinating when you actually have to put the pressure of a relationship Very early on to see if couples can actually work out and I believe they they say about half of the couples stay married After the eight weeks Actually, they said 60% but I don't believe that and then after that probably half of them fade off So probably their success rate is less than 20% and these are couples that have been matched together by matchmakers and Psychologists and therapists and that sort of thing from personality trait and from a compatibility perspective Which I thought that was the interesting part of the dynamic of the show is the the Therapists that were involved. There's this guy Pastor Calvin. I loved him. In fact, I just ordered his book. I Think it's called marriage isn't for punks So why am I bringing this up with respects to oh and by the way most everyone in this incubator in the show is in their late 20s early 30s, so The reason why I'm bringing this up because when you're in your late 20s early 30s most likely you're seeking a relationship to At least men in particular seeking relations. They're seeking a wife and the mother of their children So the way they approach the process is quite a bit different for those of us in our 40s and for those of us in our 40s It is substantially different Because there are a lot more moving parts to a relationship when you're in your 40s in addition Roughly about 75% of people who are actively in the dating marketplace that are over 40 years old over 45 years old Roughly about 75% are divorced So, you know most of the women who watch my channel in their 40s 50s and 60s And you're most likely dating men in their 40s 50s and 60s So you're dealing with a divorce population and with a divorce population comes a lot of different moving parts To actually integrate together So today I want to lean into those four things that men need to commit Because it's important to understand these dynamics if you're actively going to put yourself out there And the reason why I say this is you know on some level you're putting your heart at risk If you go in naively to the process, let me repeat that you're putting your heart your breast You're putting your emotional well-being at risk When you go in Cavalierly and naively and I will tell you that a significant percentage of people both men and women alike go into the process very naive Now think about this for a second Since we just said that roughly 75% of people in this dating marketplace are divorced They oftentimes think that they're battle scarred that they learn so much from their previous Relationships that they can actually take this going forward into new relationships But I'll tell you what many of you many of you watching right now Haven't learned a thing in your past relationship All you learned is what you didn't want from your previous relationship and many of you are harboring a lot of Negativity about what you didn't like in your previous relationship that bleeds into the dating process I can tell you a Magnificant percentage of women are bitter and jaded Men as well. So let me just not you know, let me be clear. This is true for men and women alike, but are actually jaded and That bleeds into why many of you are not successful at Experiencing love the second or third go around I'm here to say it. You have to take ownership of this By the way, is this resonating with some of you if it is please hit that like button Please share this video, please subscribe to my channel and in the description below you can check out all the links I recommend that you might want to Approach this because as a dating or relationship coach, I will tell you that You know, you know the 80 20 rule 80% of the people out in the dating marketplace are rather dysfunctional in fact, if you're not familiar with my Emotional maturity relationships chart and this is a new one just created for me by Jamala. I want to thank you so much This is not a fact. It's merely an opinion But I believe 20% of the population has clinical issues Clinical issues and while I say 20% of the population is emotionally healthy and I may be generous here The vast majority of people are dysfunctional So if you go into the dating process naive to understanding the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship Then you're setting up yourself for failure over and over and over again And what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That's why listen 80 you have a you have a one and two You know two out of ten chance of being successful and quite frankly the odds are even worse than that This is why working with a coach like myself By the way, there's a link below to schedule a discovery call with me puts the odds in your favor If you want to put the odds in your favor for attracting an emotionally healthy guy schedule a call with me All right So as we lean into You know as i'm watching this show, let me come back to that for a second as I was watching the show And watching the dynamics associated with this. I actually started to take notes of what I think is needed For all of you to experience A healthy happy relationship at midlife. So let me put on my trusty glasses. I've got my notes here so um number one by the way, um If you didn't watch my most recent video the five glaring red flags To spot in a guy, I think it's really important to watch this video as well. It was just um, just um Released a few days ago. So go back into my youtube feed to find it the five glaring red flags because number one For a man to be in a place to actually explore a healthy happy relationship He has to be clean from his past Actually, I should say this for both the men and women like you both have to be clean from your past relationships So what I mean to say is if you have a if you've gone through a divorce and you have a contentious x That's going to wear heavily On any new relationship And quite frankly it ends up being one of the challenging aspects of relationship ladies How many men have you dated that have a contentious relationship with his he has a contentious relationship with his x That bleeds into Your relationship raise your hand if you've experienced that put a comment below if you've said I've experienced a man that has not a clean past Because if he doesn't have a clean past or at least cleaning up his past And this is the tricky part. He says he's cleaning up his past, but he possibly is not Then you have a huge Probability That it's gonna I don't want to use the word failure. It will add In fact, my girlfriend turned me on to a book Turned me on to a book called Making your second marriage a first class success now I know many of you probably may not want to get remarried if you've gone through a divorce But here's the thing What's the point of dating if you don't want to be in a serious relationship? So when you understand what I like about this book, it's the It understands the mechanics to creating a healthy happy relationship whether you're married or not So making your marriage a second max second marriage a first class success Folks There are so many moving parts To making a relationship successful If you're not contemplating this if you're not aware of it if it's not on the forefront of your mind And you just haphazardly hope that you know magic fairy dust will make every relationship work out You're setting yourself up for failure. If you're not familiar with my relationship ice durgan. She also made this chart for me Most everyone focuses on attraction. That's the above the waterline. That's the chemistry And yet very few of you focus on compatibility Which is shared values blendable lifestyles and most importantly that emotional maturity. I talked about a moment ago Very few people have good relationship skills to actually Embrace a healthy happy relationship in the future So it's incumbent upon you to do your due diligence to do your vetting before you ever give your heart to a guy You know and and again read the books in the by the way in the jonathan books recommendation read the books I recommend Because it's going to set you up for success And set sadly many of you and many men have are rather wounded. They're broken They don't actually love themselves. This is why I wrote my book What the heck is self love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work by the way the links below Read this book so you can understand for yourself what it takes to be in a good place to be in a healthy happy relationship So number one. I just said he's clean. He's clean from his past He doesn't revisit his past Incessantly number two. He's in a good place in his life Look many men and women the foundation underneath them is rather weak to be in a relationship going forward with anyone new They might have health issues. I mean serious health issues They might have professional issues that makes it difficult for them to be stable in their life or they might even have Issues with their children That's right. And I talked about this in the five glaring red flags. Do you know children oftentimes? I'm going to guess probably 20 of the time children sabotage relationships The new relationship their parent might be in they might sabotage it or even the parent themselves Sabotages a relationship by putting their child up on a pedestal And not valuing the person that they're with right now and I know listen you're meeting total strangers So why would you put anyone up on a pedestal? You've just met of course not you're not going to To diss your children. Well, let's hope not for someone else and yet Some parents men and women alike make their children They put them out on such a pedestal that the person that they can be in a relationship Feels like a second or third wheel And no wonder many of these relationships fail. I'm going to say 20 of the time this happens So are they clean? Do they have a balanced life? Are they clean in their present life? Are they in a good place? Their health their professional status. Maybe their children And certainly their emotional baseline. Are they in a good place? Do you realize coming back to my emotional maturity relationship skills chart? 80 percent of people are rather dysfunctional By the way, my coffee mug says I make the girl world go around. What do you do folks? A little bit narcissistic, but I it's a friend gave it to me. Maybe they're trying to tell me something Are they in a good place in their life? Now number three, this is the thing I observed in this show married at first sight One of the things that therapists kept emphasizing over and over and over again Was good conflict resolution skills good conflict resolution skills Now what they mean is look at Here's okay folks, you all know I'm in a happy relationship Um, it's going on almost five months now And I was in la la land in the beginning. I was on such that you were euphoric high I'm also noticing some of the differences between the two of us now now that we've spent a lot of time in our own incubator together I'm noticing some of the differences between the two of us And what's interesting, you know in relationship um I think you have to be really good at compromising your expectations you know You know compromising in other words, you know expecting someone to be exactly like you I've had to compromise not a compromise that I've had to let that one go Okay, but it's understanding compromise and also when there are some differences Is can you resolve them in a healthy happy way? Do you realize most men and women have terrible conflict resolution skills? They're more focused on being right than being happy and since now Let me be clear about something women tend to not always have an agreeable nature So they tend to be the one that compromises their standards they compromise their boundaries Incessantly in relationship because they tend to have more of an agreeable nature at the end of the day If you want to be in a healthy happy relationship, you have to be with a partner that recognize that listens to your point of view Accepts your point of view is being true for you Acknowledges your point of view when there's a difference and you're doing the exact same thing for him Because that's really again listening to their point of view accepting their point of view is being true for them Acknowledging their point of actually you should be listening their point of view Acknowledging their point of view And then accepting that that person's point of view is true for them and you do the same Now sometimes you might get to a place where you agree to disagree. That's okay. It's okay to agree to disagree But the end of the day healthy conflict resolution skills because look at There's going to be differences between people It's just inevitable once you get off the high and I'm now that I'm off the high I recognize some of our differences. Thankfully, we're well aligned with each other So it's really not that much of a difference. In fact, I followed my own coaching When I vetted her for me And I think we're rather closely aligned so it's made it easy So when we have these differences because we have good communication skills good conflict resolution skills We're able to navigate these with a fair amount of ease Okay, lastly and number four I'm talking about men in particular here being intentional and committed To wanting to build a life with someone intentional and committed to wanting to build a life with someone Folks if the guy isn't intentional Literally, I think we have to go back to an old way of of connecting and that's back to courting Courting used to be when a man clearly knew he wanted to be in relationship Wanted to have someone in his life for the rest of his life. He was intentional in the process He was committed to the process And I think most second people those of us that are in midlife, especially the divorce crowd They're not intentional in the dating process nor are they committed They're just they're hoping that somebody will be so perfect That they might actually shift their perspective Rather than actually being committed to wanting to be in a long-term partnership with someone Listen, you hear this continually. I'm just looking for something casual. I don't want any pressure. I want to take it slow Let me repeat that. I'm looking for something casual. I don't want any pressure I want to take it slow that is code for Let me tell you something that is code for I don't know if I want long-term commitment folks that's like Could you imagine going to school and you're taking a class of you know, this is what you think you want to be You know And you invest all this time in this let's say you want to be an accountant You go, I think I want to be an accountant. Maybe I want to be an accountant You've invested all this time studying only to change your mind Now there's nothing wrong with doing that But here's the difference when you're doing it for yourself. You're not affecting someone else in your life Well, maybe if it was college you're affecting your your parents bank account I'm sure a lot of parents spend a lot of money on their children To go get a degree in something and then the child changes his mind. That's kind of screwed for the parents What's the same in the emotional arena when someone's investing when you're investing time with someone and they don't know What they want you're the one who pays the price at the end That's not fair if you know, you want full commitment. This is why when I work with clients I'm here to say you have to vet for where he's at in his life Because you have a eight out of ten chance of choosing someone four out of five chance of choosing someone who has no clue They're winging it. They're winging it. They're winging it and then You're the one who prays the emotional price So if you want a man to fully commit Excuse me If you want to choose a man who's capable of commitment, then you better pay attention to these four things Is he clean in his past? Does he have a good balanced life? Does he have good communication skills? And lastly, is he intentional and I get the challenge with this because you don't know this on effect first second third fourth fifth eight That's why coming back to the tv show You know problem what one thing I liked is within eight weeks You knew whether or not you wanted to invest time with this person long term These days we could drag out relationships for six months a year two years three years Only to find yourself right back where you started single again And I want to help you avoid that. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know post a comment below All right, I think you got the gist of where I was going today. Did you find value in this? Please let me know if it resonated Please let me know And I hope I can help you in your future Avoid those four out of five guys who are not capable and help you lean into the one out of five guys That probably are and that's what i'm here to help you to do All right, I think this will be a great place to wrap up my video first off I'm going to give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrock of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives By the way, if you notice some of the red spots and such on my face, that is because I just had some I went to the dermatologist and had some moles and such were removed So if you notice the difference, that's why if you got this far, all right, I'm going to take off Have a great day. Bye. Bye now