 Hello, I'm Pookey and sometimes in and sometimes out of shot here is Mork and I am here today to talk you through this bite-sized CPD session on how to be a safe adult. Buckle up because there's a huge amount of information in a short period of time. The whole idea of these bite-sized CPD sessions is that they could form a small part of something else. So a little part of an inset day maybe or just being used in a regular staff meeting. You can of course also just watch them yourself online, perhaps that's what you're doing today. Either way, I hope you find it helpful. It's designed to have little theory, though I promise the evidence base is behind all of this stuff, but lots and lots and lots of practical ideas which is what you guys always tell me that you want and need. So let's go. Okay, so the session is called how to be a safe adult. Safe adults are adults who enable children to feel safe. We're basically embodying the kind of trauma informed approach, but we don't only need to be a safe adult for children who are trauma experienced, safe adults are good for everyone. Now what is a safe adult? There are lots and lots of different takes on this because I'm pooky and I love alliteration. My take involves five Cs. Yes, we've all been here before. They're not too awkward today though, they kind of work. So what are the five Cs of a safe adult? We're going to go through each of these in term and think about the practical things you can try for them all. So the five Cs, we need to be calm. We need to be consistent. We need to communicate appropriately and well. We need to form connections and we want to remain ever curious, childlike in our curiosity, another C. Okay, so let's start with calm. Calm is really important because our calm is catching. If we can be a calm, in control, cool, collected adult, then our children respond to that with their own calmness. We have to be careful because sometimes their anger or their anxiety can be catching for us and what we want to do instead is for us to be super calm and them to catch our calm. That means if we're feeling angry, anxious, otherwise distressed or triggered ourselves, we need to be the swan. So the swan frantically paddling beneath the surface, but appears to glide effortlessly across the surface. That is who your child needs. They need you to be the swan. As an aside, if you're being the swan, essentially masking, which is something we kind of always say is not a great thing, you can do it for short periods of time, you've got to look after yourself outside of that situation, think about where you can let off to and all that sort of thing. That's not for today, that's for another day. Today we're going to be this one. We're going to mask those feelings. We're going to allow the children to see a cool, calm, collected adult because that's what they need right now. So what can we do to be the swan, to be that calm adult that our children need? We can use our slow, low, low talking. Yes, I am paddling that one out again because it's great and so many of you tell me what a difference it makes. Slow, low, low speaking, teach all your colleagues how to do it, will instantly make you sound calm and in control, even if you're internally freaking out. We speak more slowly, we slow down the pace, we speak more quietly, we lower the volume, and we speak more deeply, we lower the pitch. You can say almost anything with your slow, low, low talk and it will sound calming to a child but you might choose to develop a few phrases that work especially well for yourself. What else can we try? We can try a grounding technique such as five, four, three, two, one. Now don't get too hung up on the order of the senses here otherwise you'll think you can't remember it and that you're going to get it wrong. It doesn't matter, do what feels easy but draw on the five senses to help a child to remain in the room, to draw them away and distract them from difficult thoughts that might be circulating in their head, and also just to take control of things a little bit with a script that you can kind of turn to. I tend not to use the sense of taste though some people do and instead I replace it with a deep cleansing breath at the end. This is a super simple calming strategy that can be used with entire classes if you want to and it can give you a go-to script if you need something to say in your slow, low, low voice when you're kind of panicking. And then finally you could try something like a breathing exercise. Breathing is fantastic because of the impact it has both on our physiology and our psychology. When we take control of our breathing we help to rebalance things like the oxygenation of blood and how quickly things are moving around the body and physiologically that's sending messages yep in control and psychologically it's telling our brain, ah okay it's okay she seems to have control of this situation actually no need for me to press that big red panic button. So breathing is fantastic both physiologically and psychologically. There are loads of different breathing techniques out there one of them is box breathing which I've included in here because it's super super simple to teach. So with box breathing and you might choose to demonstrate this if you're working with a group we breathe in for the counter four we hold for the counter four we breathe out for the counter four and we hold for the counter four and you can talk someone through this you can do it together and co-regulate you can do it as a big group if you want to I've done it with conferences of hundreds of people occasionally usually and here's a top tip when I need to regulate myself I can talk people through this technique we all regulate together I managed to get my sh1t together and the teaching can continue might work for you too if you're also of an anxious disposition. So box breathing really really lovely very easy breathing strategy that you can teach but there are others out there pick your favourite and use that to help to create and enable calm. The next C is about consistency our children basically need boring adults boring is brilliant kids need to know exactly what they can expect of us and exactly what's expected of them this takes all of the guesswork out of day-to-day life anxiety is provoked when we don't know what's going to happen next when we have an adult in our lives who's really lovely and so kind of nurturing one minute and the next minute they're shouting and screaming and ranting and raving this is really hard we're trying to do the opposite we're trying to be that adult that kid knows exactly what they're going to get from them that doesn't mean you have to be one particular type of adult some adults are strict some adults are more kind of miss honey but actually it's about the kids just knowing what to expect what you're going to expect of them having rules and kind of sticking to them so what can we do to try this you can think about your rules of your classroom of your setting of your group of wherever it is that you're working with or caring for children I would recommend trying to reduce those rules down to as few as you can Paul Dix is a big advocate of this having as few as maybe three rules keeping them really simple so that actually the children that you're supporting can remember all the rules then they'll feel more likely to be able to adhere to them if you've got 63 and a half rules they're not going to remember them all and it almost feels futile trying it to stick with them at all makes things feel unpredictable add routines and rituals that can be repeated regularly so maybe there are parts of your lesson of your session of your meeting with the child that you've got in mind that can be repeated each time so looking for things that are ritualistic little routines you can have that might be about what happens when you arrive or when you say goodbye or when you tidy up or when you start a certain activity it doesn't matter it's about what works for you but those little things that we do again and again little scripts little parts of how we are together just feel good and they are quite connecting as well as being consistent and predictable and finally if you do need to be flexible in your approach to the rules or the way that you're running an environment for a particular child perhaps they have special or additional needs that means that needs to be the case that's okay but you've got to actually be really clear about what those new rules are and then you've got to stick to them otherwise you're creating unpredictability for that child you're trying to be kind by being flexible but you're creating an unpredictable situation so it's fine to be flexible it's important to do that but work out what the new rules are and clearly clearly share them well with the child that takes us on to communication we've got to make sure that we communicate well appropriately and consistently with our children it's not good enough just to do these things we have to share them so for example with the rules it's no good having them if we haven't communicated them in a way that a child can hear the number one thing you have to remember when it comes to communicating with children in a safe way it doesn't matter what you say it's not about what you say it's about what the child hears so they may hear something very different than what you think you've said and that might be because they misinterpret either your instruction or what you're asking of them or telling them or that they misinterpret things like your tone of voice or your body language so we need to just think about those things and try to work out how we can understand what a child has actually heard and how they're feeling rather than simply our predictions or our hopes for what is happening there get your child involved hear their voice so what can we do to have good safe communication that's consistent with our children first of all simplify everything all instructions being given really simply is helpful for everyone particularly those learners who might have a lot going on so this little slide is um it's going to say it's tongue in cheek but it's just a really real representation of what happens when somebody gives me directions I never asked directions for this reason so I asked this chap it's not me asked this chap for directions um to the pharmacy and he says well go to the tree at the end of the street he says tree and I'm thinking 8 000 things I'm thinking about the tree I'm thinking about the light I'm thinking about the color of the leaves I'm thinking about conkers and how I love them I am thinking about him and his itchy jacket and then the smooth elbow I'm thinking about so many things all he said is walk to the tree at the end of the street and that's triggered all of this I'm also worrying about how I've interacted with him what's he thinking about me and I've got these kind of thoughts going around in my head and then he's finishing his instructions having like waffled on in the middle with probably some really useful stuff he's like and it's directly on your right okay and I'm like um yeah sure prompt walks off in the wrong direction that's what happens and so what we need is like really simple instructions in order to be able to actually process them you just need to remember that for many many kids there's a lot going on in their head maybe because they're neurodiverse and they're really overly sensory stimulated by stuff in the room maybe because they're trauma experienced and they've got different uh kind of memories circling around in their head maybe because they struggle with OCD and they've got intrusive thoughts going on there's all sorts of reasons why a child might have other staff to process than the instructions you're giving but the long and the short is if you give simple clear instructions everyone will benefit what else can you do use multiple mediums so if you communicate any instructions or guidance that is given not just by speaking but also by sharing visuals or a written list of simple instructions that will make it much easier for people to follow they'll feel much more kind of cognitively academically safe and able to engage with the task and they're much less likely to fall foul of that issue with all the stuff in the brain meaning that they didn't hear the instructions and they're still on step one when you're on step nine having it written down or shown in diagrams or a video or something makes it much more possible to engage and then finally check for understanding make sure that you check in particularly with those kids who do struggle to keep up and just make sure that they've actually understood what's been asked of them and that they know what's expected children really worry when they think that they're going to get stuff wrong so just just say have you understood what needs to happen Alicia do you know what i'm expecting you to do next and create a safe enough environment that Alicia can say no i'm really sorry i don't understand what i need to do make it okay for them to check in with you and ask for help if they haven't understood okay our next c told you it was going to be a whistle stop tour the next c is about connection safe adults connect with children our children every one of them needs to feel like they belong and that they matter to someone and we must remember here that not all of our children are blessed with safe adults in every domain of their life so you might be the only safe adult that this child has and that really really matters that feels like a big load to carry in a huge responsibility but it doesn't have to be really complicated something as simple as a smile can make a big difference to a child who doesn't get lots of input and connection from adults in their lives having a child in mind and just smiling at them across the corridor just says i see you i care that you're alive these little things make a big difference you can um do a little activity i often recommend this just list all the children in your class or your group or the set that you're working with and then just try and think what's that last one that you can't quite bring to mind focus on that kid please the kids who are invisible who kind of don't make big scenes in our classroom who we don't notice for either their good behavior or their behavior that challenges us those ones who are like little wall flowers on the edges sometimes that's a purposeful thing or a learned behavior and quite often those invisible children are invisible not just to us but to all of the adults who might have connected with them in their lives connect with them make a difference to them reach out smile at them ask them questions show an interest that child the forgotten one that's the one where you'll make the big big difference and finally ask questions that prompt a further talk in your discussions with children so just pick up a few new prompts that will enable children to explore what they're saying a bit more have a deeper type of conversation with you you don't have to have lots of time to have meaningful conversations with children that make them feel heard by you so the sorts of questions you might ask why i love the question why i ask it all the time you got to get the right tone you don't want to why you want to why yeah so get the tone right on the why tell me more just asking them to elaborate a bit more on a point that they've made what happened next how did that feel the classic therapist question but actually really helpful what were you expecting so did did what they expect happened or did something different happen be curious about that what did you find surprising would you do it that way again and that's again it needs to be asked and curious rather than a than an accusative kind of way what went well so looking for the positives particularly if we've got a child whose mental filters are looking for the negatives what could have been better and this is both in like maybe their behavior and what they've done but also the adults around them what could they expect differently from us next time if the situation didn't go quite as we might have hoped and then keep going i if you ever work with me in real life you'll find that if you share an example of something with me um or an idea i will very often say say more and it's a kind of little tick i've developed and it's basically like hey i like what you're saying and i actually want to understand a bit more about that just say more and it's almost like i'm just pressing the you know unspool the real button on twitter or something and it works um but yeah so say more or keep going basically an invitation to just go deeper with that thought develop your own but try using these kinds of prompts when you're talking to listening to a child and see how they really lean into that conversation and begin to really open up little tiny prompts like this can make a big big difference into how heard a child feels and how deeply you begin to understand them okay we are at our final c which is for curiosity so children need adults who are curious not furious i love that expression we need they need us to explore their world with them at times of calm and to try new things so trying as an adult not to let go of that child like curiosity to sometimes be confronted by a child whose behavior may challenge us and remember it's about the behavior not the child and to be really curious with the child in a non-judgmental way about what was going on there what could i do differently how could we adapt the environment what could happen differently what might we try next time did those things that we try work with no expectation that they would or they wouldn't just being really curious and experimental in our approach and allowing them to see that curiosity in us and enabling them to be curious about them their world and us as well so what does that look like in practice things we might try wonder what need is being met when behavior challenges us so when we see behavior that for whatever reason we find challenging we don't like we'd rather it wasn't repeated then we need to be thinking what's going on why is this behavior happening when we see behavior that's repeated regardless of what it is maybe it's soiling maybe it's lying maybe it's self-harm maybe it's a child being disruptive in class whatever it is the behavior if we're seeing it being regularly repeated in some way there's something that's reinforcing that behavior it's meeting a need of some kind that doesn't mean that the child has calculated this and said when i do x then y will happen so i'll continue it's often much more kind of intrinsic and subliminal than that but something is rewarding that behavior and so the cycle continues so what need is being met there's loads of different needs that can be met by different behavior so examples here it might be that child is needing attention i hate the phrase attention seeking but attention needing is so valid some children need attention they don't get it elsewhere maybe they're that wallflower and they've had enough and they need some input perhaps they're just hungry or thirsty and those basic needs right at the bottom of maslow's hierarchy of needs have not been met maybe they need to escape maybe they need to create an opportunity where they could get away to to go into that flight response to be away from this situation because something has triggered something challenging for them maybe they need sensory regulation perhaps they're overwhelmed and they need the opportunity to get back into the center of their window of tolerance perhaps they are attachment needing and they are seeking care or connection some children can only get that through being told off but it is connection of some kind or maybe they need to be heard some children's behavior is the only way in which they have found communicating with the world around them particularly those children who can't speak or don't speak or whose communication skills are in some way limited perhaps they have English as a second language or they are deaf and they use sign language and not everyone around them does or they have some other communication barriers then these are children who may use their behavior in order to be heard we see it in young children children with special needs children with any kind of communication barrier because kids are really clever and if they can't make you heard with their words or maybe they used words and they still weren't heard they can make themselves heard through their actions food in particular here and self-harm can be very very powerful ways of making themselves heard so what need is being met be curious about whether it's one of these or another need what else can you try you can be curious using Toyota's five wise approach which I often refer to as the toddler approach because it's just like being a toddler just going why why why why and this is when we see something that we don't understand we just get really curious about it and we go okay well why is that happening it's from business I get our kids aren't robots but it does kind of work when we're seeing behavior again and again and we just don't understand it's like well why does Jeremy throw the paint pots around the room why why why until we kind of perhaps get to the crux of the issue and you'll see from the example here that the robot stopped because it was overloaded the fuse blew okay why was the circuit overloaded there was insufficient lubrication so they locked up why was there insufficient lubrication well the pump on the robot wasn't circulating and we get through and in the end actually the problem we need to fix is really simple there's no filter on the pump but if we hadn't asked all those why's and we just started with why did the robot stop we might have done any one of a hundred things to try and fix that robot we had to ask all the why's and it's the same with the children maybe Jeremy is throwing the paint pots around the room because actually he's got a need for like sensory input perhaps he's under responsive right now and he needs to create some input or maybe he's found that when he throws the pots around the room that he gets removed and he goes to a place of calm and quiet and he really needs that right now or maybe he's just utterly utterly overwhelmed and he needs to get that anger that energy out somehow if we don't explore what's going on then the way in which we might try and meet that need might just be wrong so we need to understand what need is being met we might get that all of our why's and then we need to think about how else can we meet that need okay and so then finally in terms of what we can try for curiosity at times of calm so we don't do this when difficult stuff is happening at times of calm when we're being swan-like and the child is calm and happy too relatively so then we brainstorm with them and we think about different ideas we reflect on what's working and what's not always with curiosity not with furiosity or animosity but rather with that child-like curiosity with the child and we explore with them okay at times of calm so that's your safe adult they're calm they're consistent they communicate effectively so the child feels heard they connect and they have a child-like curiosity so what you would do now in your session if you're teaching it and have a little think yourself if you're watching online is to think about for these five areas what's already working well what can you share what can you encourage other colleagues to do as well what might you try from those various different try this ideas what might you try today tomorrow next week and then think really carefully as a team and discuss what your next steps as a team might be to address some of these areas okay so your next steps will be if you would like to take this learning further you might have a read of my guide how to listen so children who need to can talk you might watch this video which i put together in the pandemic but actually these ideas of loving listening and laughing together i think pervade and are really important in terms of being safe happy adults working with children and you might give this lovely podcast episode with kevin here it's an a listen about how we can build effective learning relationships with every student these and other resources will all be on my blog along with all the different versions of the slides so that you can have these as a recap or teach the session yourself either face to face or online i really really hope that you found the session to be helpful useful something that you can engage with and i'd love to hear your feedback on it because i spend a lot of time creating these resources and if they're useful i'd love to know how you're using them so i can make them even better and if there are things that you think i can improve i'd really welcome that too so drop me a line on the various socials um or you know via twitter via email etc i'd love to hear from you thank you so much and thanks for all that you are doing for the children in your care until next time over and out