 The Evident Costello Program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service according to actual sales records. See if your throat and your taste don't make Camel a first with you too. Find out for yourself. Listen to the great rhythm of Freddie Ritchie's orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie Haines. And this being Thanksgiving Day, we recall this touching scene as the good ship Mayflower landed at Plymouth Rock, the captain shouted to the Indian chief, Costello, Costello, how do you realize it's seven o'clock? Where have you been? Oh, Evan, I just came from your house. And have I got news for you? What is it? Your cat just had chickens. My cat had chickens? Yep. My cat had chickens. Yep. You mean kittens. Cats don't have chickens. What was that you brought home in a paper bag last night? They're chickens. Well, your cat just had them. You mean that cat ate my chickens? He swallowed the chicken's bag and all. Why didn't you take them away from them? You know me, Evan, I ain't the type that would let the bag out of the cat. Oh, Evan, I've got plenty of other food around the house. Well, by the way, Evan, seeing that this is Thanksgiving Day, I hate to think of you eating alone. What do you mean? What do you say to have a Thanksgiving dinner with me? Well, that's mighty fine of you, Costello. Good. At what time? Eight o'clock at your house. Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, you get no turkey at my house. Then help a little duck. Duck? Yeah, that's a chicken with snowshoes on. Hey, look, I'm sorry, Costello. You can't come to my house for Thanksgiving. I'm having a dinner for the snooty set. Oh, the snooty set? You heard me. No, I'm not good enough to eat with pigs. No, no, no. Will you listen to me, please? No, I'm listening. Tonight I'm entertaining a few of the 400s. A few of the 400s? Yeah. That's 800 all together. No, no, no, no, no. Just the 400s. That's what I said. That's what I said. That's your line. Thank you. Well, well, just because they weigh a little more than me, that don't make them any better than I am. No, no, no. Talk sense, please. I couldn't have you at my house. This is going to be a very classy affair. Why, I have a little silver tray to brush the crumbs on. Crumbs? Mm-hmm. Certainly don't you have crumbs at your table? Sure, have it. You're welcome anytime. There you go. You have absolutely no finesse. No what? I said you have no finesse. What would I do with a finesse? In California, you don't need a finesse. If it gets cold, we've turned on the gas. He turns. All right, Costello. I didn't say that. More of the radio chair. I didn't say that. He's getting like boyish. Oh, I love that, please. Boyish. All right, all right. I didn't say furnace in the first place. I said finesse. Finesse. You don't know why you're saying that. All right, you're getting me all mixed up here. Look, I'm trying to tell you. Listen to me, please. Your table manners are terrible. The last time you had dinner at my house, you did nothing but reach across the table and grab for the food. What was wrong with that? What was wrong with that? You've got a tongue, haven't you? Yeah, but I can reach further with my arm. There you go again, Costello. You see, you know nothing at all about the proper way to eat. You have no etiquette. I got no what? You have no etiquette. Etiquette? Yeah, sure. You don't even know how to say the word. Etiquette. Yeah. You don't. What do you mean? You mean antiquity. No. It's, it's etiquette. Well, etiquette and antiquity is the same thing anyway. All right, go on. Well, I'll go out and I'll buy one of them books on etiquette by Emily Piller. Emily Piller? Yeah. That's Emily Poch. Okay, I'll read the both of them. I'll go from pillow to potion. Well, you should read that book, Costello. It will tell you a lot of things. For instance, which is a property used when eating peas, a fork or a spoon? I don't use either one. Well, how do you eat your peas? Oh, I just slide my lower lip under the plate and thank the peas off the mashed potatoes. Sometimes the mashed potatoes cause them my years. Yes, I can imagine that. Sloppy, huh? Yeah, yeah. Costello, you haven't got the brains of a two-year-old child. Oh, I wouldn't say that. Why not? Look at the difference in our ages. The way you act, I could never have you at my table. Look, Abbott, if you know so much about manners, just answer me this one thing. What is? Which hand do you stir your coffee with? I stir my coffee with my right hand. That's funny. Most people use a spoon. Ah, that's not happening. That settles it, Costello. You need to know etiquette. Yeah, that settles everything. I was just about to break down and invite you for dinner. But now you had to be a smart aleck, didn't you? Wait a minute, Abbott. Yeah, you did. Wait a minute. Now, you're my old pal. You can't do this to me. Well, I did. You've got to invite me to dinner on Thanksgiving. I ain't got no place to go. I'm sorry. You can't, you're old French dog. Look at me, Abbott. I only weigh 90 pounds now. 90 pounds? Why, you're 56 inches around the waist. Yeah, but I'm hollow. All right, look. Ah, look, all right, all right. You can come to dinner, Costello. But you'll have to make yourself useful. Now, get there early and wait on the table. Why should I wait on the table? Why can't I wait in Apollo with the rest of the people? No, you dummy. I don't want to sit on your table waiting. Listen, I mean, I want you to help with the serving. Now, the first course will be orders. Of course, you know what orders are. Yeah, that's French for leftovers. No, no. Costello orders are snacks. Now, you take care of the ladies first. It's up to you to see that each lady gets a snack. Are the husbands going to be there? Certainly. Then I ain't going to do it. Do what? I ain't going to go around snacking the ladies. Their husbands will have to come around and snack me. On second thought, you'd better stay out in the kitchen and help with the iced addressing. What's the matter? What you said? Well, what's wrong? You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Talking that way to a boy of my age. What do you mean? I'm just at the age of picking things up like that. Well, what's wrong? Why, it's a good thing my mother isn't here. Oh, the shame of it all. What are you talking about? How dare you ask me to help with the iced addressing? What do you mean? Now, look at it. I didn't mind when you said I had to wait for you on a table. And I was only mildly surprised when you asked me to snack all the ladies, especially in front of their husbands. But when you have the nerve to ask me to go out in the kitchen and dress a bunch of naked oysters, you not only humiliify me, but you have impugned on my good name. Tomorrow on the back cover of Life Magazine, you'll see a very stirring set of pictures under the title, pair of aces back to back. A navy dauntless dive bomber attacking a Japanese carrier. Notice, too, the pair of flyers, the pair of aces in the lower left-hand corner, and read the words they're saying. I quote, Camels, our cigarette, suits the throat in the taste to a T. Unquote. C-A-M-E-L-M. Camels, their aces with the aces, could be with you, too. Here is Freddie Rich with Java Dunctions. Baby, baby, let's go shopping. Let's go shopping. Baby, baby, let's go shopping. Shut down. You have to cut out that thing in the kitchen. You're disturbing the guests. What happened? I always sing when I'm making sour milk biscuits. Sour milk biscuits? Sure. We haven't got any sour milk. You will have when I get through singing. And, Mammy, baby, let's shut down. Shut down. No sonneti better save us money. All right, look. Cut that out. What are you doing there? What's all that stuff you're putting in there? How to do it? First, I got to put in two tubs of butter. Two tubs of butter? Sure, it says right here in the cookbook. Butter, two TBS tubs. That's tablespoon. I threw them in too. You threw? What else did you put in there? I put in some flour, salt, baking powder, and three gullips of molasses. Three gullips? What are gullips? You know, have it. When you pour the molasses out of the jug, it goes gullip, gullip, gullip. Look, Castella, I don't want you to do any cooking. I've got a chef coming here to take care of that. I thought you'd be out here singeing the feathers off the goose. Doing what? Singeing, singeing. Don't you know how to sing? Sure, I know how to sing. I was singeing when you came in. I'm not a good singer. Yeah, no, no, no. Singeing gets the down off the goose. Didn't you ever get down off a goose? No. Is that right? Yes. Well, didn't you? Did I ever walk? Didn't you ever get down off a goose? No, I got down off a horse. No, no. I never rode a goose. It's that much tickle. Oh, thank goodness. Here comes the chef. Hey, I earned sugar and tea. At cooking, I'm a dandy. Tickle. Don't tell me that you're the cook. Yeah, it could be. You know something over in Paris? I am known as the famous French chef Pierre Rainier. You're the great Rainier? Yes, I am. Then what are you doing in California? Oh, I always come here in the Rainier season. The Rainier season? Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. This guy's a washout. I got it. I got it. I got it. Never mind that, Castella. Look, we've got to get my Thanksgiving dinner cooked, please. Kitzel, you'll find all utensils in that big cupboard over there. Oh, Kitzel, who needs your utensils? I brought along my own pot. That's the first pot I ever saw with a belt around. Castella, please keep out of this. Kitzel, do you know anything about cooking game? Do I know how to cook game? Why I'm cooking this finest pinacco you ever tasted. You cook pinacco? Sure, pinacco sessacra. Oh. Look, Kitzel, I don't want to get personal, but why don't you pull in your tongue? Nobody ordered cold cuts. Look, never mind that, Castella. Kitzel, get busy, please, and get the dinner ready. No, no, no. Just a second, just a second, my little man. Don't get excited. First, I got to open my little bag and get out my chisels and sauce. What chisels and sauce? Cream chisels and cranberry sauce. You know, Kitzel, it's too bad you didn't bring your monkey wrench. Well, for goodness sakes, what would I be doing with that monkey wrench? Well, you could tighten the nuts on a flue cake. Castella, please. Will you get busy and help, Kitzel? I'm going into the living room and see if any of my guests have arrived yet. Sebastian! Sebastian! Shut off that radio, shut it off! My little Sebastian. Well, I just come over to help you out, Uncle Bud, and I thought the guest would like some nice romantic music. Oh, that tiger isn't romantic music. It is to another tiger. All right. Now, look, Sebastian, if you're going to hang around here, you'll have to behave yourself. Now, this is going to be a very formal Thanksgiving dinner. The men will all wear tails. Tails? Who's coming? Mickey Mouse? Will you please listen, Sebastian? It will be your job to usher the people into the dining room. I will sit at the head of the table, Ken Niles will sit on my right hand, and Connie Haynes will sit on my left hand. Ken Niles is going to sit on your right hand? That's right. And Connie Haynes will sit on your left hand? That's right. How are you going to eat with your feet? No, no, no. Look, when you get all the people seated, you go to the kitchen. Then, when I ring this little dinner bell, your brother will hand me the carving knife, and you give me the bird. In front of everybody? That'll do, Sebastian. Now, go out in the kitchen and make some ice water, and I do hope you can make ice water. Yeah, sure. You just peel an onion. An onion? Yeah, that'll make your eyes water. Sebastian, ice water is frozen water. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Then what is frozen ink? I stink. You'll get no ice even out of me, brother. What? Connie Haynes, in the current revival of a great song, the sunny side of the street. Grab the coat and get your hand. Leave your worry on the doorstep. Just direct your feet to the sunny side of the street. Can't you hear a bit of pain? Happy tune is your step. Life can be so sweet on the sunny side of the street. I used to walk in the shade with those blues on the red. I'm not afraid. Crossed over. If I never have a say, the sad must be the straight. If I never have a say. You've read in the papers how people are smoking so much more, and how cigarettes are being shipped to our fighting men overseas in huge quantities. And if your dealer occasionally should say, sorry, sir, we're out of camels today, don't let that stop you from asking for camels the very next time you're buying cigarettes. Remember that camels rich, full flavor, and kind, cool mildness make camels worth asking for again. And again. Because war or peace, camel is still camel. And your T-zone, that T for taste and T for throat, will confirm that statement. C-A-M-T-L-F. Camels, now as always, the cigarette of costlier tobacco. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we take you to the home of Bud Abbott, where a formal Thanksgiving dinner is about to be served. Castello has been working in the kitchen all day like a dog, but he is now ready to face the guest. Let us look in on this dog face. Castello, Castello. The guests are arriving. Open the door and announce them as they come in. And now, team, Mr. and Mrs. Ledblanc, Mr. and Mrs. Phil Kredner, and now, team, Lord Pipsqueak, Knight of the Garter, Lord Beaverport, Knight of the Bath, and Hedy Lamar. H-Hedy Lamar isn't here. I was thinking of another night. You leave me standing here. I'll kindly take my card and announce me. Okay. Hillside 2183, as for Hazel. If a man answers, hang up. Wrong card! Sorry, I got that mixed up with one of my own. Castello, what's your manners? Okay. This is Lady Jennifer Cookin' Cutter. This little boy, my home, you know, is at Glen Dining on the Tine. Glen Dining on the Tine? Then you must know my great-aunt, Harriet. The old girl is bullying it, you know. Oh! From Glen Dining on the Tine? No, from Hitchhiking on oil trucks. All right, that's enough, Castello. Take Lady Jennifer's coat and I'll escort her to the table. Oh, by all means, the table. Oh, I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse. Yeah, Castello! Castello, get that horse out of here. Get out of here! Get out of here! And, uh, please, please, bring Lady Jennifer a cocktail. Please, uh, make it a martini, oh, with a black olive. You drink martinis with a black olive? Yes, I'm in mourning for my husband. If I was you, Lady Jennifer, I would lay off those martinis. They're pretty hot. Castello, what makes you think they're hot? Of course, I just poured one. When I dropped the olive in, the olive stuck out its pimento. Hey, Mr. Cutter, Mr. Rabbit, I have a little Thanksgiving present for you, a nice, tacked Belgian hair. I raise them, you know. Oh, thank you, Lady Jennifer. Castello, take Lady Jennifer's hair. Take her what? Take her hair and put it in the icebox. Okay! Castello! Now look what you've done. Stick to Lady Jennifer. Hello, Baldi. Tell her to know my life. Come, Lady Jennifer, I'll show you one of the tables. I'll show you... Get the line right, not under that table. No, no, I'm sorry, Mrs. Jennifer. I'll show you to the table. Stay there. You may take my arm. Does that come off too? Yes. Castello, get busy and serve the dinner. And remember, I don't want to see your thumb in the soup. Okay. Lord Beaverbrook. Baldi, pardon me, Mr. Beaverbrook. Not quite all right. It's quite all right, please. What part of the turkey would you like? Well, I'm a flyer. I'll take the weight. And pretty rich. Well, I'm a musician. I'll take the drumstick. And Sebastian, what part of the turkey would you like? Well, you can stick me. I'm a villain, kid. I hope somebody will remember me. I like the neck. I like the neck, too, Connie. I'll meet you out on the front porch. Castello, keep quiet and serve the soup. And remember, I don't want to see your thumb in it. Okay, I'll fix that. There, the lights are on. What's the trouble, Lady Jennifer? Oh, my neck is just gone. Somebody's stealing my pearl necklace. Quick, Castello, call the police. Please! No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. Use the French phone. I don't speak French. Oh, here. Please, here, I'll call him. Operator, give me the please. Hurry up. Hello, police department. This is about to have its home. There's been a robbery here. Come over at once. We're from headquarters. What took you so long? So long. So long? What, are you leaving already? Now shut up, you look suspicious. Stick up your hands and reach for the ceiling. Okay, but I know I won't make it. Officer, there's been a robbery here. The lights went out and somebody stole Lady Jennifer's pearl necklace. I stole a necklace here. Somebody will get the jug for this. Sounds like you've had it already. Line up against the wall and you two fad by. What's your name? Honest, Luke Castello. Castello, eh? Ain't you got a relative doing time at Alcatraz? Yes, sir. That's my uncle, Stebbins. They put him in for something he didn't do. For something he didn't do? Yeah, he didn't wipe off his fingerprints when he robbed the bank. Now get in line there. I'll take this gentleman first. What's your name? Lord Beaverbord. Where were you sitting when the necklace was stolen? Well, I... You lie! Ouch! How long have you known, Lady Jennifer? Well, I... You lie! Ouch! Get rid of him fast, don't he? All right, Sergeant. Drag this man out of here. Now, Castello, you're next. I think there are others ahead of me. I'm ready to take you now. But I don't want to be selfish. Women and children first. Sit down there in the chair. Just a minute. Who are you shoving? Who are you shoving? I'm shoving you and what about it? I just wanted to be sure. Where was you when the lights went out? I was... You lie! I expected it. Did you hurt your head? Get up, you. That's why I'm going to question the little boy here. Oh, no. Not that. You can't question my little brother Sebastian. And why not? There's only one head between us. I'm playing both parts. Lieutenant Officer, there's been a horrible mistake. My friends, during the fall, they slipped off my neck into my pepioca. Well, leave them there. You look better wearing the pepioca. What happened to Castello? But wait a minute. There's one thing I can't understand, Castello. Who turned out the lights when you were serving dinner? I turned them out, Uncle Bud. Sebastian, why did you turn the lights off? Because you said you didn't want to see Louis thumb in the soup. Sebastian, do you realize what you did? You almost got me arrested. Your brother. They might have thrown me in jail. Then I would have to walk around with the power of the prison on my noble brow. Why did you do such things to your loving brother, Sebastian? Captain Castello will be back in a moment. Good night to the Yanks of the Week. Tonight we salute Lieutenant Thomas A. McKenzie of Auburn, Kentucky. Fighting off unconsciousness from flak wounds in his chest, this bombardier hero completed his bomb run without even letting his own crewmates know he was wounded. In your honor, Lieutenant McKenzie, the makers of camels are sending to our fighters overseas 400,000 camel cigarettes. Each of the three camel radio shows honors the Yank of the Week bringing free 400,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels sent free each week. In this country, the camel caravans traveling from camp to camp have thanked audiences of more than four million Yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week. Our rebroadcasts are met overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore, Monday to Bob Hawke in Thanks to the Yanks. And next Thursday to Avid and Castello. Now here are Bud Avid and Luke Castello with the final word. Well, Castello, now that we've done our show, let's get home and have our turkey, yeah? I think it's a good idea because I'm just about ready for it now. Did you make the stuffing? Yeah, I did. I made grand stuffing. You did, huh? Yeah, I ground up a lot of breadcrumbs, and then I put in some garlic, and then I put in a little onions, and I put in some more garlic, then a whole lot of onions, then a whole lot of garlic, then a whole lot of more onions, then a whole lot of garlic, and a whole lot of more onions. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Did you taste it? Taste it? Here it is. Oh. Good night, folks. Good night. Good night, everybody. We'll see you there next week for another great Avid and Castello show, and remember, try camels on your throat and your taste. See for yourself how camel's mildness, coolness, and flavor tick with you. The Avid and Castello show for camel cigarettes will be back at this very same time next week. Don't miss it. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood, wishing you all a pleasant good night.