 The Jack Benny program, presented by Lucky Strike, and now a word of interest to smokers. For years you've heard talk, double talk, words about noses, words about throats, empty promises, cigarette advertising is filled with them. Now this smoke screen of double talk is swept away by facts, not claims. Facts. The facts are that Lucky's fine, mild, good tasting tobacco goes into a cigarette that's made better, that's fully packed, that has no annoying loose ends to spoil the taste. A cigarette that's made better in every way. Yes, the facts are that Lucky's strike by a wide margin is the best made of all five principal brands of cigarettes. Facts proven by a month after month quality comparison based on tests, certified to be impartial, fair, and identical. And these tests, these facts are verified by leading laboratory consultants. For example, Foster D. Snell, Incorporated of New York City reports, In our opinion, the properties measured are all important factors affecting the taste of cigarette smoke. We conclude that Lucky's strike is the best made of the five major brands. Yes, Lucky's taste better. Always so mild, so smooth, so firm and fresh, with better taste in every puff. So prove to yourself the proven facts. Don't be misled by the smoke screen of claims made by other cigarettes. Remember the facts and enjoy really fine, mild, good tasting tobacco in the cigarette that's made better. The cigarette that tastes better. Lucky's strike. Try a carton today. Be happy, go lucky, go lucky, strike today. Hold it, hold it, Phil, hold it. Stop, stop it, stop the music. What's wrong now, Jackson? Nothing, we've rehearsed enough. We ought to relax a little before we go on the air. Yeah, well, beyond in 10 minutes. Don, I want to talk to the audience before we go on the air. So when the studio fills up, let me know. Well, I'll be in my dressing room. Okay, Jack. This way for the Jack Benny program. Don't crowd please. Single file coming through the door, please. Come on, Annabelle. We want to get seats down in front so Mr. Benny can hear me laugh at his jokes. Okay, Uncle Rochester. How come Mr. Benny gave you the day off? Day off. When you hear the jokes I have to laugh at, I'm working, honey, I'm working. Uncle Rochester? Yeah, yeah, I'll nudge you with my elbow. If it's a little joke, you just giggle. Uh-huh. And if Mr. Benny tells a big joke, you laugh real loud. Well, what'll I do if it's kind of a medium joke? You don't tell him that way, honey. They're either good or bad. But don't worry, I'll give you the elbow. Now, now follow me there. Two seats in the second row. Say, Phil, Phil, I want to ask you something. Your orchestra was beginning to sound pretty good, and then all of a sudden you took the harp out of the band. Why did you do that? I had to get rid of that harp, Jackson. Why? I was afraid that someday Remly might wake up, look through it, and say, holy smoke, I'm in again. Well, that's ridiculous. A harp wouldn't make him think he was in jail. Oh, no. Two months ago we cut three of the strings with a hacksaw. No. Then he climbed through the spotlight, hit him, and he yelled, don't shoot, I give up. Well, that's the most ridiculous thing that I've ever... Come in. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. I want to talk to you about one of the jokes I have in the script. I don't understand it. Which one? Well, this one right here on page four. You see? Dennis, that's a very simple joke. See, you say to me, Mr. Benny, did you hear about the lumberjack who was always chasing girls? I say no, and you say he was sort of a timber wolf. Get it? I wish I was taller. Those jokes go over my head. You're lucky, kid. It hit me right in the face. Look, Dennis, when we come to the joke, I'll just throw you the lead, and you say he was a timber wolf. That's all. Okay, but if it doesn't get a laugh, you'll hear from my mother. Hey, I'm going too, Jackson. Cheerio. Those two make a nice pair, bourbon and water on the brain. Well, sometimes I wonder, hello? Long distance? Yes, she's here. I'll call her. Would you come into my dressing room? Okay, but you'll have to leave the door open. Now, don't be silly. You're wanted on the phone. Oh. It's long distance. Plainfield, New Jersey. Gee, it must be mama. It's a fine time to call five minutes before my broadcast. Oh, that's all right. She never listens to it anyway. Hello? Oh, hello, mama. Well, I'm fine. Gee, it's nice of you to call me. Why? When we go in the air, you want me to say, Papa, dinner is ready? But why do you want me? Oh, he's in the living room, and you're not talking to him. Well, last to silly is the- Oh, quiet, Jack. What'd you say, mama? Oh, Babe has a new boyfriend? He does? Well, he certainly is industrious. What is it, Mary? What is it? My sister, Babe, has a new boyfriend. He has two jobs. Two jobs? Uh, what kind of work does he do, mama? Oh. What is it, Mary? What does he do? Well, during the day, he drives a garbage truck, and at night, he's a test pilot in the airwick factory. Mama, thanks for calling. You know, Mary, you're- Well, Jack will be on the air in five minutes. If you want to talk to the audience, you better get started. Okay. Everybody on stage. Well, it won't be long now, Annabelle. You know, Uncle Rochester, Mr. Benny don't look so very old. I think he's tall, cute, and handsome. You're looking at Mr. Harris, honey. His hair is curly. Well, what kind of hair is Mr. Benny got? Mr. Benny's hair is- uh-oh. I'm in for it. I've still got it in my pocket. Well, Jack will be on the air in five seconds. Five seconds. Stand by, everybody. Take it, Phil. Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a man who was born in February, studied economics in March, was able to retire in April, and here he is. Thank you. Hello again. This is Jack Benny talking, and Don, the- See, I hope I'm not catching cold down that Rochester. And, Don. Don, I think your introduction was a little bit exaggerated. However, I will admit that at the age of six, I did have a little money, but I earned it. As a matter of fact- Well, see, Mr. Benny, did you hear the one about the lumberjack? Not yet, Dennis. Later. Any, anyway, when I was a kid, Don, any, when I was- when I was a kid, Don, I had to work pretty hard. Well, you're not the only one, Jackson. When I was 18 months old, my picture was in every magazine in the country. So what? Well, it wasn't easy for an 18-month-old kid to pose for all them ads. What ads? I was the baby of distinction. Phil. I was the only kid in town who had a diaper with a hip pocket. All right, now look at kids. We have a very important play to do tonight, so let's get started. What's it gonna be, Jack? Well, Mary, since we're at the height of the football season, I think that tonight we should do our version of that exciting play. I'm sorry, honey, my elbow slipped. We will do our version, our version of that famous Columbia picture, that exciting epic of the gridiron, Saturday's Hero. Now this play will go on immediately after we- come in. Yes? Mr. Benny, is it true that you wrote a song? Yes, I did, and it has a wonderful title. It's called When You Say I Beg Your Pardon. Then I'll come back to you. Yeah, that's the one. Do you mind if I do it? Why, no, no, not at all. Are you a singer? No, I'm an electric organ. What? Electric organ? That's awful. Well, it ain't bad when you consider I ain't even plugged in. Silly guy. Oh, Dennis. Oh, did you hear the one about the lumberjack who was always chasing girls? Not yet. Sing your song first. Oh, okay. He has one joke and he can't wait. Sang that beautifully. Oh, boy, here it comes. Say, Mr. Benny, did you hear about the lumberjack who was always chasing girls? No, Dennis. What about the lumberjack who was always chasing girls? His name was Mr. Wolf and he was full of timber. He doesn't get it, folks. Mr. Wolf. Timber. Dennis, stop wagging your tail and sit down. You rehearse it for four days and then he gets it wrong. Oh, well. And now for our play, take it down. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you our version of that thrilling Columbia picture, Saturday's Hero. A saga of college life on the gridiron. Curtin. Music. Steve Smith, Steve Smith. Oh, here's your card. Now tell me, what is your height? Five feet, 11. Your weight? 173. Color of your eyes? Oh, they're blue, aren't they? Bluer than the coach at USC. Where do you expect to follow upon graduation? I'm going to be a psychiatrist. What made you decide to become a psychiatrist? Last month, my uncle died and left me a couch. That's all the questions and... Oh, just one second. You're here on a football scholarship, aren't you? Yes, ma'am. In that case, you'll be provided with tuition, room and board, and you'll be given $100 a month to spend. Do I have to spend it? No. Now, of course, you and all the other football players will have to earn this money. I understand. What will my job be? Well, in the dean's office, there's an eight-day clock. And I'm supposed to wind it? No, the fullback winds it. Your job is to see that he does. Roman said... All right, you men. I want all the linemen to go out and practice tackling. The ends brush up and pass receiving. Halfbacks will put in two hours each bucking the line. The fullback will spend the whole day trying to kick field goals. And you, you're playing quarter, aren't you? Yes, sir. What shall I do? Scratch my back. Coach, I don't want to do this. I was a big high school football star. Ah, yes, but you're in college now and everybody starts from scratch. Another thing we observe strict training here. Yes, sir. Yes, that means no parties, no dancing, and no dates with girls. But coach, if we can't date the girls, don't the girls get lonesome? No, some lumberjack keeps chasing them. Coach Day used a lifesaver as a cinch. We finished our season unbeaten and to celebrate our success, the college had a big dance for all the players. It was then that I saw her. Hello, handsome. 164 fraternity pins. Just fraternities. Gee, a dance swell. Well, thanks. Say, you're on the football team, aren't you? Uh-huh. How did you know? You're stepping on my feet with your spiked shoes. Oh, I'm sorry. Gee, you're a beautiful girl. And I wish you and I could... Wait a minute. Do you mind if I say something? No. Papa, dinner is ready. I didn't see her again until the following. As our team came out on the gridiron, the huge, strong cheer. And our Glee Club sang our school song. Nice tackle, Wilson. It was tough stopping you. I like that football uniform you're wearing. Thank you. I've never seen such big shoulders. What have you got them padded with? My stomach. It's Smith now. Of all of my subjects, I was poorest in Latin. And one day in class, I was forced to admit to the Latin study the lesson. I'm sorry, professor. I am not prepared. Oh, for shame. Perhaps if you ask me another question, I might be able to answer it. Very well. I'll translate this. When Julius Caesar left Egypt to return to Rome, he said to Cleopatra, hawks and parrots of victim quoll for sherry, post-it, pluribus, fidilium, marcus, agrarium. I don't know, professor. What does hawks and parrots of victim quoll for sherry, post-it, pluribus, fidilium, marcus, agrarium, mean? Wipe your chin and try that again. What does hawks and parrots of victim quoll for sherry, post-it, pluribus, fidilium, marcus, agrarium, mean? When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you. And I hope you'll be better prepared for tomorrow's lesson. Yes, sir. What are we studying tomorrow? The works of Augustus the Fifth, Horatio the Fifth, Octavius the Fifth, and Cassius the Fifth. Love them fifths. I studied my Latin hard, and he finally passed me with a mark of 86 proof. For a reason, we were undefeated, and the victory now would mean the conference championship. Every seat in the stadium was filled. What a thrill I felt as the pre-game ceremony started, and our school band took the field. All eyes as they marched around the field playing. We went back to our dressing rooms and said, Grus nei gnui effem gras nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk . A good signal practice. Then the second half started. The game remained deadlocked until I intercepted a pass. I broke away from the safety man, had a clear field for a touchdown, when I suddenly realized it was all in vain. There was a handkerchief on the play. Angrily, I rushed up to the referee and said, did you drop your handkerchief? What's the penalty for? Your backfield was in motion. What? You never should have taken those rumble lessons from Arthur Murray. Oh, the crowd and my producer were going wild. I received the ball and faded way back and threw a long forward pass to the fullback. He grabbed it in midfield, he abated two tacklers and headed for the goal line. He crossed the 30, the 20, the 10, over the goal line, into the Zen, and chasing the girls. It was at that moment that I realized that he was the lumberjack. Luckies taste better. Yes, there's better taste in Lucky Strike because Lucky's fine, mild, good-tasting tobacco goes into a cigarette that is the best made of all five principal brands. These are not just claims. They're facts that prove luckies are made better in every way. Facts verified by leading laboratory consultants. One of these, Frolling and Robertson of Richmond, Virginia reports, it is our conclusion that Lucky Strike is the best made of these five major brands. So don't be misled by the smoke screen of claims and empty promises made by other cigarettes. Remember the proven facts of Lucky Strike quality. Enjoy the mild, rich taste of fine tobacco in the cigarette that smokes smoother because it's made better. The cigarette that tastes better, Lucky Strike. You will prove it yourself by trying a carton of Luckies today. Well, ladies and gentlemen, that concludes the 10th program of this series, and we'll be with... Oh, get that, will you, Mary? Okay. Hello? This is Mary. Oh, Papa! You're having dinner at home? Then you heard me. Papa's silly for you and Mama not to talk to each other. Oh, all right. If you want me to, I'll do it. Jack, let me get that microphone. Mama, pass Papa the mashed potatoes. Good night, Mama. Good night, Papa. Good night, folks. Don Kirk, 4-5-2-6-1. Remember, the gift of blood is a gift from the heart. This is Don Wilson reminding you to listen to your hit parade with Kyle and Bartow every Thursday night presented by Lucky Strike. Consult your newspaper for time and station. Stay tuned for the Amos and Andes show with followers immediately. The Jack many program is heard by our armed forces overseas through the facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service. This is the CBS radio network.