 Hello, welcome to Think Tech Hawaii. This is Finding Respect in the Chaos. I'm Cynthia Lee Sinclair and this is a really important month. It is Sexual Violence Awareness Month and I know if you tuned in here with me a few times and you know we've talked about this a lot. We talk about the sexual violence hotline that you see on there. If you are someone that is in need, please don't feel like you're alone. You do not need to be stuck in the violence all by yourself. There are advocates out there, there are people that would love to help you and there's other people that are gone through what you're going through now. I'm one of those people which is what sort of motivated me to even want to have this show to begin with. So that we have a safe place for survivors to come out and tell their stories. We even have a website that you guys can send me your stories at, there you go, Survivor Central at ThinkTechHawaii.com and if you send me your stories I can either read them out on the air or I can have you come onto the show with me and you can share them with people. I think it's important for us to network together, to work together, to learn from each other. You can see what someone else has done to get through it and maybe it'll help you get through it or if you've got something that you did to help yourself get through it, be bold, have courage and come out and share those things with other people so that they will have a path to follow. Today I am here with Donita Garcia who is a survivor who's been through a lot. She has a really important story for you guys to hear because she's come out the other side in an amazing way. Donita, I want to welcome you. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you for being brave enough and having enough courage to come out here and tell your story. So let's start with a little bit of your history and some of the things maybe that you've gone through. And whatever you feel like sharing, I want you to feel really comfortable and know that you don't have to share anything that you're not comfortable talking about. Well, first of all, I'd like to thank you for inviting me here today because my purpose is to really be an advocate for women, for men that need to know that there's places to go to get help, but there's people that have been through what they have been through. I've been through quite a lot in my six decades plus of life. No way you don't like to dance around that long, girl. You certainly don't. You look really great. But first, talking about sexual abuse, I had been married three times and my second husband was a physical abuser. And we were married five years and he hurt me badly at least twice. There was other times, but I mean, nothing really to share about. But the very first time was, I remember we were walking home from work. It was at night and we just lived a short distance away. For some odd reason, I don't even know why and I can't even remember why. He just got really angry. And first he punched me and pushed me down and ripped my clothing and just started dragging me through the field by my hair and my shoulders. And by the time we got home, I was just like so scared because he had never done that before. Right. And I had heard that he was like that from other friends before he had met him. But of course, we think that our love is going to win and that he won't do that to me. We can change him. Yeah, right. Right. But it doesn't happen. Well, for me, it didn't happen anyway. The other stories that I've heard during my time is they never change unless they get help. Professional help. They are not going to change. That was very traumatic in itself because I had never been in that kind of situation. I had a husband before him and that husband never did hurt me physically. And so the second time that he physically abused me, we were at home and he just started, once again, out of the blue, punching me, throwing me up against the wall and back and forth against walls to the point where it was really to the point where I thought he was going to hurt me badly. And so I went in the bathroom and I started pretending like I was throwing up and I told him that he broke my ribs just so that he would stop, you know, because I didn't really think that he was going to stop. And during this time, right after that, right before he had stopped, my friends had come to the door because they lived nearby and heard the commotion and he wouldn't let them in and he wouldn't let me go to the door. And so I could just hear them out there and he's like, he's got the door kind of like shut and he's going like this to me, telling me not to say anything or else he would hurt me more. I knew that's what that meant, you know, I just knew. So that was very hard, you know, and I left him a number of times, but, you know, it always went back because, you know, you just, because they say sorry, they say they love you. It's called the honeymoon stage. Yes, exactly. In the cycle, there's a cycle and there's the explosion, the honeymoon stage, right? And then there's after that, you kind of go back into a peaceful sort of a time there. And then there's the incident and then there's the explosion and then there's the honeymoon stage and the whole thing starts over again. It's a vicious circle. It is. You know, and so I would go back because I already had one failed marriage and I didn't want to have another one because I had watched my father being married five times and my mother being married three times. And I didn't want to be, you know, walking in those paths. But, you know, so I tried my best, but, you know, the very last time before I left him for good was, you know, things had been okay for a while, but I just felt it. It was just this incredible feeling of doom coming and that he was going to hurt me again and I got out for the last time. Good for you. And you know, that's an important thing for you out there that are watching. If you have that feeling, trust your instincts. Don't just dismiss it all in all this time, he'll be okay. Trust your instincts and get out before it happens instead of waiting until after the fact. I think that's an important thing for people to remember. Or some way, somehow get a message to somebody, you know. Yeah. There's always a way. I mean, I didn't notice there's women that have been, you know, like locked up and not allowed to communicate with the outside world. But there's always a way to get that word out that you're being abused. Someway, somehow, a neighbor, the mailman, I mean. Someone anyway. Absolutely. And you know, another thing to remember too is to be really careful about how you tell because you don't want to get yourself in a worst situation where he's going to retaliate against you, you know, and that's something that I know happens. So I know you were telling me when we were talking about having you come on the show and stuff. We were talking about some of the stuff that had happened to you when you were a kid. Are you comfortable talking about that and all sort of the things that led you up to get into this kind of a relationship, right? Well, from the age of five, I was sexually abused by two cousins. And then at the age of, I'd never told anyone because I always felt like it was my fault. Because I grew up in the desert and it was very hot and so my stepmother would not put shirts on us. So I thought it was my fault because I didn't have a shirt on at five years old. Oh. And from that, after that happened, I always wanted a shirt on. You know, it's amazing what will go through your head even at five years old. Right. Absolutely. But I never did tell anyone. And then at 13, one of the, because that was two cousins from two different sides of the family. One of those cousins did it again at 13. This time, he raped me. Oh, my God. I still never told anyone because I thought it was my fault because I allowed it to happen when I was five years old. This is what was going through my brain, right? Then at the age of 15, my boyfriend who had been in the mainland, his brother had come over. Who was a best friend of my father came over to tell me we were going to the airport to get my boyfriend. And he was coming back from the mainland and took me out to the bushes and raped. Oh, don't you guys, so sorry that happened to you. Threatened to, to kill my father if I told the police. Oh, my gosh. And I told my father, but my father was very scared of him and nothing ever happened. We never, the police were never notified of anything. Oh, my God. Then the last one. I was 18 years old and I met this guy at the Lawnry Mount and he asked me out for a date. And I had just moved to Lawrence, Kansas from Hawaii and I didn't know anybody. And I thought, wow, this is a way to get to meet somebody, you know, and maybe meet some other friends, you know, and start, you know, start a friendship, you know, with people. And so I said, yes, well, of course, you know, the first thing he wanted to do was stop by his house because he forgot something. And I'm 18 years old and I'm not thinking anything. Now, today, I know all the signs, right? So we go to his house and he invited me in to have a drink, you know, not a drink, to go in and have a drink of soda or something, you know, because I didn't drink at that time. But of course I go in because I am naive and that was it. He started, he took me into the room and raped me and his roommate was home and never did anything. And he continued to wait me for a few hours. Oh, my gosh. And the only way that I finally got him to stop was that I told him that I was pregnant. And he stopped. And luckily enough, thank you, Jesus, he took me home afterwards. But I still never told anyone because I thought it was my fault because I went on a date with a stranger. Well, plus you'd been programmed from such a young age that it's your fault, right? Which is what abusers do. They, you know, they twist that, they know that they can, so they use it against you and twist it. And it's also a really common thing that they threaten you with either killing or hurting someone that you love. You know, either you or someone that you love. And that case of me, I didn't ever tell anyone about my abuse as a kid ever. I couldn't even tell myself about it. I didn't even remember it until I was 30 because it was so bad I had to block it out. But it was his telling me that he was going to kill my mom if I ever told. I'm going to kill your mom if you ever tell anybody. This was my father that was molesting me. And so when I finally remembered, and the very first time I ever spoke the words, right, of it, I just waited like, well, I didn't know what was going to happen. Am I going to die? I don't know. I feel like it was just going on a poof, you know, explode or something because I had had it programmed into me for so long. So the first thing I had to do is call my mom. I was scared to death that she might be dead. Even all those 30 years later, you know, I mean, that's just how that kind of mind programming works, right? And that's what they do. It's so sick that they do that. And, you know, and so other, it's good that you are brave enough to come on and share these things because it's important for people to know that that's what they do. That's what they do to you. You don't have to believe them. They're lying. And you don't have to keep going through life, blaming yourself. Exactly. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. You know, and this is, you know, if anything, this is a lesson for a lot of people to know. I became vulnerable to the point of marrying an abusive man that I knew was abusive before I even knew him. But it's because you have low self-esteem. You have no self-worth. And you just feel that, you know, this is what you probably deserve, you know, but you don't have to do that. You know, you're worth everything in the world. You are number one, and that's exactly right, and that's exactly right. You know, I know that it led to an abusive marriage for me, also, same thing, you know, that you just, you think you deserve it. So when I finally remembered my abuse as a kid, I told him, you know what, I used to think I deserved this, but I know better how. Right. Susan Morgan. Right. But so, okay, so you got out of the marriage, and I'm so glad you got, and I'm so glad you survived all of that. How did you do it? Did you just decide that you were going to keep, I mean, because I know you now. And it's hard to think of you as a victim because you're such a survivor now. So you mean, do you have some of, some tricks or some hints or some tips or anything? I mean, I know you went and sort of some of the abuse led to the domestic violence and then you finally got out on your own. And I know that you had talked to me a little bit about having issues with addiction and things like that. So how did that work for you? Well, how I lived through all of that was with addiction. I had started using marijuana at the age of 12, started smoking it behind the church during catechism. She says with it. Right. God did. Straight. We did. No, God loves you right where you are. Yes. He does. So that's how the addiction, it wasn't actually an addiction at that time, but it grows. It's a progressive disease, right, addiction is. And so then at the age of 15, I started using white cross speed and drinking a little bit and started, did experience with acid, with barbiturates, magic mushrooms. So then at the age of 18, I had met my first husband and the drugs and alcohol weren't that much in my life because I had children and stuff like that. But to go back a little bit, hold on one second, I'm sorry, because instead of going back a little bit, because I want this whole story and one thing, and I know we need to take a break right now, and I want everyone to hear this. So let's go ahead and take a break. I hope you'll come back. This is Finding Respect in the Chaos on Think Tech Away. See you in a minute. Aloha. I'm Marsha Joyner, inviting you to come visit with us on cannabis chronicles, a 10,000 year odyssey where we explore and examine the plant that the muse has given us and stay with us as we explore all the facets of this planet on Wednesdays at noon. Please join us. Aloha. Hi. My name is Bill Sharp, host of Asian Review, coming to you from Honolulu, Hawaii right here in the center of the Pacific Ocean. Asian Review is the oldest of the 35 or so shows broadcast by Think Tech Hawaii. We've been in production since 2009. Our goal is to provide you, the viewer, with information, breaking information about events in Asia, Asia being anything from Hawaii west to Pakistan, from the Russian Far East, south to Australia and New Zealand. We hope to see you every Monday afternoon at 5 p.m. Hello. Welcome back to Finding Respect in the Chaos on Think Tech Hawaii. I am Cynthia Lee Sinclair, and I'm here with Donita Garcia. So I want to hear the story of what you were talking about before. I want to make sure that we have enough time to get it all into, right, because there's so much, and I want to make sure we get to the good stuff too, right? But so please tell us a little bit more about the addiction and what you went through and how you broke out of it. So the addiction, well, I wanted to go back a little bit. My grandmother was an alcoholic and left my mother when she was a young age. My mother was an alcoholic and left me when I was a young age. I was an alcoholic addict and left my children when they were young. And my daughter is an addict and left her children. But me and my daughter are both sober now. Nice. How long have you been sober? I, in June, I'll have seven years. Seven years? That's awesome. And my daughter is still in her first year. Nice. But anyway, so the addiction went from in my 20s after I left my first husband and my children because of that and because of all the past things that I had been through to rapes and went into cocaine and drinking heavily and rock cocaine. And that's how I dealt with abuse from my second husband to the point there were many suicide attempts, many. And then— God's not done with you yet. Not done with me yet. And God, none of them worked. And cared in a mental institution three different times. So then it went, my addiction went to ice, smoking ice and shooting up ice to where I ended up going homeless on the West Side. And I had owned three homes at one time. So, you know, it was just, I knew that I wasn't supposed to be there. But it's just, you know, you have to hit a bottom. And I definitely hit a bottom and what happened was my youngest daughter was getting married and she didn't invite me to the wedding. And I didn't want to be awake during that weekend because it was so traumatic for me. So I started taking sleeping pills one right after the other. And it wasn't a purposeful suicide attempt, but it ended up that way. And I ended up coming out of bed and went to Wynne Coast Comprehensive where I told the physician exactly what I had done. And he wasn't real pleased with me. He wasn't real nice about what I had been going through, was actually very mean, but they sent me to Kikela at Queens. And I met a very nice social worker there that told me about drug treatment in Hawaii. And in my day and age, drug treatment was only for rich people. So I had no idea that those services were available to me, but they are available and they're all over this island, you know, so I looked for them. So I got an assessment with my mental health case manager who I was assigned to after the suicide attempt and took me to Hinamaoka Drug Treatment in Kaniwa. And they accepted me. Nice. It's an amazing program. Yes, it is. Hinamaoka. I know a lot of people that have had such great results. Oh my God. They saved my life. Yeah. Hinamaoka saved my life. I did not know that I was broken in a thousand pieces until I went there at the age of 55 to look at your life and know that it's not manageable anymore, which you never knew before because of pride or ego or not knowing that treatment is there, you know, and so it saved my life. And I spent 42 days in a residential and then I spent two and a half months in an outpatient and then three months after care. Wow. And then I got into a very strict clean and sober house, which every minute had to be accounted for. Wow. And I did that purposely because I didn't want any loopholes. Good for you. Right? Yes. Right. So then I also got into a 12-step program and did all the things that they suggested that I do because I didn't want to fail. I wanted a new life. Good for you. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired of everything, you know, I wanted a new life and I did well, you know. You have made one. Wow. You have really made one. I, okay, so let's talk about where you've come from there. You just recently quit smoking even, too, didn't you? Next month, I make two years. Two years? And I've smoked for 46 years. Wow. That is amazing to me. I think we have a picture of you in your pretty white shirt getting ready to go. Weren't you just interviewed on KHON2? Yes, I was. I think you were. I know for all of you out there that if you, when you go to the YouTube version of this, there'll be a link that you'll be able to follow so that you can see it because it's a great program. It's the ending, it's a castle, right? The end smoking? It's the Castle Wellness Center and they have tobacco coaches there and my tobacco coach was Allie. She was wonderful. She became everything to me when I wanted to quit smoking and it helped me. At first, I didn't succeed, but you know, you could try over and over again, but then the second time that I did, you know, and they have ashes for you. They have the medicine, if you need, like Chan-Tex or Well-Viewed Tune. They have inhalers. They have gum. They have nicotine. Wow. You know, so they're absolutely there to help you succeed and you don't have to have a quit date right away. You know, you could go into it slowly, but it definitely helped me and I am so glad that I smoke for you today. It's amazing. That's so great. Okay, so this is how, and tell everybody how, I know you. I know Donita because we go to school together and she is remarkable. She has already graduated out of Wynward within Associates, right? And then she went on to West O'ahu and she's going to graduate this year, right? May 5th. May 5th she graduates, which is pretty exciting with a degree in Justice Administration. It's going to be a bachelor's degree in Justice Administration, yeah. That is amazing. To go from where you were to where you are, yeah. That is just, and the next step is to, I'm applying for KCC for a paralegal program. Okay. Yes. Nice. So paralegal thing, you know, I was just filming today at the Domestic Violence Action Center, making a little short documentary about those guys and they have a paralegal that's on site there. And I was thinking of you because they thought, oh man, this would be the perfect job for Donita. She would be awesome at this. So, and you would be. They'd hire you in a red hot minute, I'm sure they would. It's so hard to try to put all these things together and to try to get to where you are and it takes so much courage and so much determination. And I hope you're really proud of yourself because you should be. You deserve the best of the best, not the stuff that they told you you deserved or programmed you to think that you deserve because you deserve the best. You are an amazing person. Watching the way you work with the kids at Trio, at school, when you come in as a tutor, they all like, I want Donita, I want Donita. Oh yeah, here we go. We've got a picture of your graduation from Windward, as a matter of fact, isn't it? That's you in the end? Yes, I was also a commencement speaker for my class then. All right. That was pretty cool. She's wearing all the honors, you were Phi Theta Kappa's. Give us a list of all the things you were, because you're amazing. When I went back to school, I wanted to make sure that I did everything because I knew I was only going to get to do it one time and I wanted to get out of the box. So I guess the first thing that happened is we were in the very first debate club at Windward and when we went to Minoa for the state championships, we won. Then I went into student government and I was a senior for one year and a vice president for one year. Then I was indicted into Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society and I became president of the Honor Society for two years. That is a hard job. Yes, it is a really hard job. Actually, all of those are pretty hard, but I know for a fact that Phi Theta Kappa one is just really hard to do. I've been a math tutor at Windward for five years and I was a kid's math tutor. The only reason I was able to pass math, okay, is because me and math, oh my gosh, that whole semester I was just like, ah, I can't do it, I can't do it, save me, don't even save me. I sat on many different committees at Windward and I've been in a studies committee planning and budget committee, safety committee, I've done some things with sustainability. And now at West Oahu, I am a treasurer of the Law Society Club. So I've made sure that I've enjoyed every minute of my college experience that I have. It's been just amazing. I can't even imagine, but since the day I got cleanest over, almost 70 years ago, I have been blessed every single day in one way or another. It's just doing the right thing every single day and believing in yourself and believing that you can, no matter what, no matter what age, you can. Oh my gosh, that is like, you know, we've only got another minute here and what you just said is exactly the best thing we could ever end with, I think, right there. That's just like, that says it all, that says it all right there, that was just beautiful. I'm so grateful that I know you, I'm so grateful that you came on my show. So when you're working as a paralegal, you can come back and tell us all about the survivors that you're helping and all the different things, but I'm trying to figure out when you had time to take a breath while you were in school. I did it, right? Because that was, I can't even imagine trying to do that much stuff. Don't need to thank you so much for coming. I'm serious. Thank you. I love you. Thank you so much for being here with me. So all of you out there, I know you're feeling pretty lucky too to just have been able to hear that story. It's a powerful story. So if you have a story that you want to tell, send it to me, Survivor Central, at thinktecawaii.com. I'm Cynthia Lee Sinclair. This is Finding Respect in the Chaos on thinktecawaii.com. Thanks for joining us. Come back again.