 Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu, thank you dear sisters and brothers for being here and as well as those who are on the live stream watching. Today is the first day of a three-week or three-part series called Quranic Parenting that I'll be presenting inshallah. I'm really excited to do this finally with the MCC community. It's actually something that I did a couple of years back for another group, the get Quranic app. I found it a very beneficial class just to have the discussions with the parents, a lot of great Q&A, a lot of great conversations, so I'm always welcome and open to that. For those of you on the live stream, obviously that's going to be a bit of a challenge, but those who are in person and we will have these in person every week, you're more than welcome to come and inshallah we can hopefully have a really great discussion here. So I do have slides and a presentation so you can see the slides behind me. So I'll go ahead and jump into it, bismillah. So here's a bit about me for those who don't know me. I am alhamdulillah a mother, I have two sons age 13 and 10 now. I've been teaching for a long time. I also offer classes, workshops, alhamdulillah, a variety of different topics. I do spiritual counseling on a per need basis. I have a book, alhamdulillah, I also create content, but one of my favorite things to do is actually teach adults and children. So that's why this topic is something that I really enjoy. Anything that has to do with parenting or involves the family and I'm bringing these concepts of like emotional intelligence and other things that I will try to infuse into my presentation. So with that said, the first theme for this, I'm sorry, the first session, the theme is intentional parenting. And so I wanted to begin with this because of course as Muslims we always begin everything with the bismillah and we're taught that anything that does not have the name of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is fruitless, right, there's no barakah in it. So we should always begin everything with the proper intention. And it's interesting that that is something that we are taught because think of why wouldn't you start something with bismillah, the only scenario that you wouldn't is likely something you shouldn't be doing in the first place, right? So it makes a lot of sense that we should always ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala for blessing and guidance when we do anything. And unfortunately in some of the different things that we do in life, we forget this point and then we wonder why things don't go well, why things don't go right because we don't ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala for his blessing and it's so essential to do that. So intentional parenting, let's look first at parenting today because it is not quite what it was intended to be, right? In terms of just what we're seeing, some of the numbers are startling and this data, there's probably even more updated data that we can pull from, but this is still something that we should know. Just the fact that a lot of women are coming to parenthood later in their life, the trends that we see in our society and in some of our cultures even to delay marriage as well as parenting until much later in life, there's of course in some cases that's necessity, some people have no choice. In other cases it is a choice, it is making the decision to either not marry for whatever reason or have children for whatever reason or to push it until much later in life. So it's just important to know what the trends are today. And here in terms of also data with how parenting is experienced, once people do have children, so that's delaying parenthood, but now once they have children you see that there's a lot of struggles that people are feeling. So women for example, alright, alhamdulillah. So the point being here that a lot of the attitudes around parenthood that we're seeing reflected in the larger society may have begun to influence this even if it's subconsciously, so we need to be aware of what's happening, right? And this is why again looking at how parenting has changed, we're now in a time where gender roles are completely being redefined as we know these conversations are happening all around us, right? Of course there's economics and the family goals or objectives have also changed from how they were in the past before people used to marry to preserve lineage to, there were other economic considerations that in the modern world are not as much of a concern. It's a very subjective, personal relationship between the two individuals as opposed to entire families or villages or tribes that you see in other traditions or other cultures. And of course we talked about the cultural shifts and attitudes towards certain things that we will not openly mention here, but you can read the slide. And also about monogamous relationships, the fact that we have a lot of promiscuity in the society around us, all of this is definitely influencing unfortunately some of the way that people see marriage today. And then religious affiliation and commitment to values, conservative values was also a very important part of why people got married. They wanted to have life partners that they could mold and have a beautiful relationship with and grow their family to have continuity of their religion and their practice. So all of these things were more common in the past as opposed to now where people will even marry outside of their faith, right? So they're open to those types of things. As long as they connect well with the person, they're not really looking at how does that play out once you have children and grandchildren, what is the family going to look like or what is the faith going to look like? They're not looking at those things. So the mindsets that we have as parents is really important. We have to make a decision, and this is what intentional parenting is, is do I want to have a worldly parenting mindset where all I think about is money and following what we call the American dream for those of us here in the US, this idea that I want the house, I want the car, I want to be the soccer mom or I want to have these certain groups that I belong to and my children are in certain schools and everything is kind of scripted from a worldly perspective, right? Do I want that or do I want other worldly parenting philosophy or is that my mindset where I'm really thinking about parenting as a means for the other world, right? That this is part of the journey of this life as we know we're travelers in this life, right? And part of the journey is that I will have my own family, I'll have a partner that will help me to navigate this complicated world because the final destination is the Akhara, right? So the mindsets are totally different. The first is thinking entirely about how to benefit from this dunya, how to maximize the profitability or the whatever, if it's wealth that they're looking at or lineage or whatever, but it's very centered around the world, whereas the other mindset is actually looking at the next life and all of their decisions thus are informed by that goal, right? I'm looking at my Akhara, therefore even in my partner selection, in everything that I do from that point forward, I am considering always, is it going to benefit me in the Akhara or is it going to harm me? Very different mindsets, right? And so, again, just to, you know, anybody want to take a guess? What do you think the cost is to parent one child today, anybody? Like infancy to adulthood. Any numbers, right? Well, we're in the Bay in the San Francisco Bay Area, so that actually could be very accurate with gas prices going up and home mortgages, sister said a million, but the average cost is actually $233,000 to raise a child from birth to adulthood. And now you're looking at, that's one child, so imagine multi-sibling or multi-children households, how much the cost adds up, and of course, this has spread over time, it's not one lump sum, but imagine the stress that that can induce on a family, right? And this is why we know when you look at divorce, a lot of the reasons for divorce actually does come down to finances, right? This financial stress of maintaining a home wears down the couple, and a lot of times it does have to do with this, you know, all of the different, and if you come from very different philosophies or just attitudes about wealth and money, then it's going to even cause more attention, right? So just really important to know that. And then, you know, we shouldn't be surprised because look how we start parenting. This is what every young bride, when she's thinking of becoming a mother, or even before being a wife, this is what she's looking at, right? Which is the excitement around the baby. So we get very swept away with all of the, you know, just the celebration of it, which is, of course, it's a beautiful thing, it's just to celebrate, but if you forget that you have to now raise a human being, right? It's not just baby showers and birthday parties and onesies and cute photos for your pregnancy, and you know, it's not just that. You have to actually raise a human being and protect them from all of the craziness of this dunya, are you up for the task? And what preparation have you made for that, right? Because it requires preparation, and some of us are learning on the job, how to be a parent. And this is, you know, I always say, because I've done a lot of parenting classes, and I've found, sometimes, masha'Allah, in attendance singles who are not married yet, and they're here, and I'm like, that, you are so impressive to me that you are single, you're not married, but you're doing your homework. You are studying for the big exam or the test, right, way ahead of time, as opposed to those of us who, you know, are in crunch time all the time. So we should be, as Muslims, preparing our youth for these types of very real experiences, marriage first, obviously, parenting. We should be having these conversations much earlier, but a lot of times, because we're thrown into these situations sometimes, or we get swept away, we don't have the conversations that we need to be having, and then the stress of it all just, you know, takes over. So, here, this is another very important reminder of the intentionality that we have to have around parenting. Parenting is, again, about what? It is about tarbiyyah. It is about raising your child to know who Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is. That is the most important objective of parenting, and that's why we are tasked, right, all of us. We have the responsibility of teaching our children and preserving their fitrah, of making sure that they stay in that pure state for as long as possible. That is the task of every parent, right? So this requires to have, you know, everybody has to be on the same page. If a family is, I mean, a couple comes together and Allah wills that they have children, and they're not even having this conversation about how are we going to teach them, their deen, and their values of their deen, but we're more worried about, you know, what school to put them in, what preschool, because we want them to learn their ABCs. I had someone recently, and I honestly, well, Lahee, I don't know if she was joking. It was kind of shocking, but she said that she had put her child in a STEM robotics, and I think they were two or three years old, okay? And, you know, and I didn't, I don't know. I don't want to presume, and I don't want to make judgments, but I think we have to kind of think about what is the urgency of a child that young learning robotics, or learning STEM, or learning anything of the physical world, right? They'll learn naturally. Children are natural learners, and they're going to learn by play mostly. That's the number, you know, young children, that's how they learn. But the fact that the parents are thinking of putting their kids in these types of programs ahead of time, and maybe not giving as much consideration to, you know, do they have, do they know their Aqidah? Do they know who Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is? Do they know about, you know, the angels and the prophesies of all of the six articles of faith, the five pillars? Have we given them any of these lessons yet, or are we just more worried about, can they read, and then do they know how to do math, you know? And you see a lot of urgency around those topics, and this is what intentional parenting is about, is really about confronting what your lens is. What is your worldview? What are you thinking about? What is your concern? What are your priorities? And making sure that you understand you have a huge responsibility before Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la, and a manna. And again, are you clear about your intentions? So the three questions, key questions that every prospective parent, so this is even before we have children. So imagine there are going to be a lot more questions afterwards, but the three questions at any point of your parenting that you want to ask yourself is, why do I want to become a parent, right? For what reason? And if you already have your children, why do you want to have children? And I remember a conversation I had with Mashallah, a very knowledgeable brother many years ago. He kind of posed this argument that he thought all parents were very selfish. And I said, what do you mean? He said, I think a lot of parents today are very selfish. They have children for the most selfish reasons. So I pushed back a little bit. I said, what do you mean? I said, well, what if someone has a lot of love to give, and they just want to be a parent because they want to love? He said, that's selfish because you want to receive love, right? So he went through all these different reasons of how if you really look into the intention, there's a lot of selfishness. He said, where do you find the parents who say, and these are his words, that I want to raise the next Salahuddin? He said, where's that parent? That I want my child to be righteous and to do incredible things, to go out there and to be an example for the rest of humanity and to have the best character and to learn. Where's that intention, right? He said, you'll hear lineage. You'll hear, I love, you'll hear all these reasons. But at the end of the day, if it's not for the sake of Allah, it's a selfish reason. And that's really important to think about for a moment. Like, why do you want to become a parent? Is it because to please your parents, because you've got pressure from your in-laws and your parents, like, okay, it's time to have children in Yallah. That's what you're supposed to do, right? So I just don't want to hear their complaints because at a certain point, when you're newlywed, that's always the question, right? You go anywhere, oh, so it's been a year now. It's been, in some cases, oh, it's been a month now. Why aren't we hearing good news about a pregnancy? So there's pressures sometimes we feel, but that's not the reason to become a parent, right? The reason to become a parent is for the sake of Allah. So questioning that intention. And then again, how do I plan to prepare for parenthood? So now that you have your knee straight, what's your plan? What are you doing? Who are you talking to? Have you met with anybody that can give you guidance? And some of the obvious things we mentioned, like taking classes in advance, but there's also things that we can do that are, like, look for parents that have children that you feel are doing something right. We can all look within, I'm sure, our families or our communities, and we will find families that somehow there's something there, right? You see children who have really good adab, right? I mean, I'm actually much impressed. Look, we have little beautiful ones here, and we don't hear a peep out of them. Mama, you're doing something right? Mashallah, mom and dad, if the dad is here too. Very sweet children, because it's in their nature to wanna play and speak, but somehow they've understood, right? So there's, but within our community, we'll find these examples of people who have really beautiful, at all stages. And so speaking to them, like, what formula did you use? How did you do this? Help me. I need, you know, guidance, right? To have a plan, and of course, as I mentioned, learning about the rights of parenting and just how to prepare is more, is essential, but also speaking to people who have the experience. And then when do I plan to get started? So these are the questions that someone who is interested, obviously, in becoming a parent should really be asking themselves, that's what intentional parenting is, right? And then what parenting is and what it isn't. So again, just having a clear understanding in summary that it is an amenah, it's a trust from Allah. Our children, as much as we love them, some of them look identical to us. How many of us have baby pictures of ourselves and our children, and we're like, oh wow, we look so similar, we're carbon copies of each other. We're not, though. They are independent creations. Allah made them separately, and they are actually souls. And this is an interesting perspective. All the souls were created at the same time, right? In the primordial realm that we were gathered. So our children's souls and our souls are the same. It's our bodies that differ. So you have to remember that, that they belong to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. They are an amenah, right? For us as a trust to preserve and protect, but they do not belong to us. And I think that's really hard to accept because we're very territorial over our belongings and our children feel very much like they belong to us. And of course, they are entrusted to us, but at the end of the day, if we don't see that they are the property of Allah, just as we are the property of Allah, just as all of us are the property of Allah, then it can affect our way of treating them, right? Because if you treat something like it's yours and only yours, you may not take care of it very well. Like right here, I have my phone here, right? And you can see it's pretty used this case, right? But maybe I'm not as careful with this as if, here are my sister-in-law's here, if she handed me her phone and said, can you watch this for me? Which phone do you think I'm gonna take care of much more, right? I'm gonna be very careful not to scratch, not to drop, not to do anything, but this phone I might drop and it's okay, you know? It's mine. So when you realize that your child is Allah's, you're not gonna treat it like, I can do with it or him or her whatever I want. No, you cannot. Because you understand they're not yours, right? Of course, parenting is itself a sunnah, the prophecy I said I've had children. It's a gift and it's also a test of our faith. We have to keep that part of it real too. We will be tested through our children. We will be tested through our loved ones. We will be tested with many people that we may come across or that are in our families or that we know. And that's just a reality of dunya, right? So that's what parenting is. What it isn't is what I mentioned earlier, that there's some marital right of passage. Like, oh, now that you've been, now that you're married, it's time to have children. If you again look at it like that, your intentions are off. It's also not something that we do for fun, right? Because again, we get swept away with just the excitement of it. It's also not a way to exploit oneself or one's family or to parade one's children or treat them like trophies, clones, minions. So if you see your children like little servants, yeah, go do this for me, go do that for me. And that's all your relationship is with Allah. You are in trouble. They are not your servants. They can serve you. And part of your job is to teach them khidmah service of humanity because this was, again, it's prophetic quality. It's a beautiful virtue. And it's humbling so that they are prepared in their spiritual relationship with Allah to see themselves as servants of Allah, right? So it's all a gradual process. Serve your parents, serve elders, serve people of need, whatever that, coming here, for example, they have a food pantry, serve people who are in need. Serve, be in the service of people. And that is a very spiritual edifying process, right? So that's how we can teach our children to serve but not because I said so, because I'm your mom and dad and you better do as I say. That attitude is very different, right? One is tyrannical, right? Which is a, and it can be abusive because what happens when the child says, I don't want to? Right? If you tell the child a child to do something and you feel entitled to their service and they say, I don't want to, oftentimes the tyrant, the inner tyrant comes out and we start threatening, we start really being, we can be very harsh. This is all completely, I mean, it's wrong on every level but where does it come from? It comes from the attitude, the wrong lens, right? Because you're looking at your children like they are yours to do whatever you want. So it's very important that we understand what it is and what it isn't in Islam. Now, this is also an important part of parenting. Is that at a certain point, all of us, all of us should actually renew our relationship with our creator first and foremost. I mean, we do that every day, right? In terms of our Shahada, we're always renewing our faith with Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'a during the prayer throughout the day. But also when it comes to these types of relationships that we have, we should frequently or try to reassess or revisit, I should say our intentions all the time around many things but especially when it comes to our children. So what is a parental vow, right? A vow is something that you make, right? It's something that you are very clear about. It's a very transparent, intentional statement expressed or felt within you. You can express it verbally. That you're putting forth to Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'a, kind of what I mentioned what that brother had stated, like the parent who really wants great things for their children and they openly make that, dua, make that intention, make it a very clear goal that they want, right? And so now when we talk about Puranic parenting, I wanted to bring some examples of this exact type of a scenario. So one of my favorite stories is the story of Hannah Fakud who is the mother of Maryam A.S., right? Now before she had Maryam A.S., she really wanted children but she struggled with infertility. And so she saw a mother bird feeding its chick and in the moment of witnessing this beautiful, you know just in nature she's watching this, she felt so compelled to make this very beautiful dua to Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'a to please give her a child and she made a really earnest, sincere dua that she will pledge, right? Whatever Allah gives her for His sake, right? And so here's this verse, my Lord indeed I have pledged to you what is in my womb consecrated for your service so accept this from me. Indeed you are hearing the knowing. So after she made the dua initially and she found she was pregnant, this is the vow that she made because she made the dua for bearing a child, he accepted that dua and now she took her vow and she said, I want to offer you this, what's in my womb for your service. And then when she, so Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'a again the story, if you read the story of Maryam A.S., when she was born, she was born as a female and at that time Hannah was thinking because when you offer your child for the service of Allah at that time, it was boys, right? That's what she was thinking, I'm gonna have a son and then I'll offer it to Allah but Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'a Allah willed for her to have a daughter and she was of course startled by that but Allah reassured her and of course we know the story of Maryam A.S., she's one of the four perfect women and who she became in her incredibly harrowing experience but who was she, she was dedicated to the worship of Allah, she had her own chambers, right? Where she worshiped Allah all by herself and she actually had miracles happen to her. One of the miracles that she had is because she was known to be so devoted in her practice, she rarely left her chamber that she would have fruits that were out of season come to her and Prophet Zakaria, he was left in charge of her and he would come in and ask her, where did you get this plate of fruits? And she said from Allah, they were out of season so it's like if there were winter fruits at the time of summer, summer fruits at the time of winter and they were gifts that Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'a would bring to her even though she never left the chamber to go get them so this is who she was and of course there's so much to learn about her but the point is when you make a vow as a parent and you fulfill that vow, right? Like if you want, for example, how many of us have looked at our children and said, Ya Allah, I want to raise a half of the Quran. Like I want my children to all be hafaz, I want them all to have the crown of the hafaz which is one of the great honors of all the people who memorize the book of Allah is on the day of judgment Allah will raise them right with crowns so they'll be known but how many of us think of that when before we even have children or I want my child to be a great da'i or sheikh or sheikh or qadi or qadi or whatever but like how many of us have those types of real goals as opposed to oftentimes I want them to be what? A doctor, an engineer, a lawyer, make a lot of money, wealth and we think of the dunya so a vow in this context is obviously devotion to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala you know it's something where you really want your child to be something great in the sight of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and then this other beautiful da'a I see so that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala protected Maria Maria Salam from what? and all of her descendants from shaitan so this is a special gift that she was given and that's part of the vow that her mother made that she was protected in that way as well so we have the parental vow which we mentioned and now we have the other part of being intentional as a parent so that's the starting point is we have that proper intention with the vow now we have to remember the importance of prayer like continuous da'a for our children is such an important aspect of parenting it's not enough to just you know I know when they're babies or when they're small we worry about their safety right we worry about some harm coming to them we're very protective you'll see people hanging you know a little what do they call them Tawiz right on their children they'll do all these things I know people who would put like their boy like infants and you know girl clothes because they were so cute and everybody always thought it was a girl anyway so they wanted to protect the boy from Reine and Nazir so they would just dress it as a girl if they were going in public or put like you know black I know someone who told me that that's what their mother did they would put like black dots with their eyeliner all over the face to kind of make the child not look as cute you know so naturally we thought we think of protection for our children when they're small but as they grow into adolescence and teen years you feel there's this part of the relationship seems to change you know parents don't really think about this as much because it's almost like you've handed off I taught them how to pray so now you know they can do it on their own and yes we may in our general da'a all our protect my family say that but doing protective da'a for your children is really important so at night time for example when they're asleep it's really important to continue that tradition you know that you as their parent their guardian the one that is responsible for their protection that that's one of your roles as a parent as I'm going to make active da'a seeking protection every single night because we just don't know what you know where the harms come from this world is designed with you know unpredictability there's just a lot of unpredictability and so if you are taking your relationship with your children you know as we're describing it as this great trust and also that you're responsible for protecting them then you'll find the means to constantly seek out ways to protect them so yes making those da'a at night but also having a culture in the household where you are doing protective da'a together so we had earlier a dhikr here Alhamdulillah and I don't know how many of you are familiar with a word right so this is a copy of Imam al-Haddad's Al-Ratib al-Shahar which is one it's just a formula of protective da'a's from the Sunnah, Quran and Sunnah that Imam al-Haddad put together for us to practice as you know Muslims to seek protection so there are Al-Rat which is these types of formula prayers specifically for protection from harm that all families should be doing right we should all be doing them because there's a lot of again they're coming from every direction right and there's a lot of wolves and sheep's clothing in this day and age a lot of people who seem to you know be friendly and want you know to you know they're very nice and they have you know a lot of offerings for young children but their agenda is to destroy children they want to defile children and Allah will make them obvious but we have to not be so naive to think that you know everybody is just so nice now there are a lot of people in different areas who don't want the best for our children they want you know to basically promote their own agendas through our children and so we have to really protect our children and the best way to do that of course is to teach them and to help them navigate these different things but also to make da'a right so sorry I skipped this slide here so making da'a is very essential and that's what this word or a practice like a word will do is it'll give you as your family something that just makes you feel like you're creating this protective shield around your family before you start your day right before you go out to school go out to work before you leave the house if you have young teenagers who are beginning to drive they should know the da'as for leaving the house for getting in the car and you should train them as young children to always practice saying your protective da'as so that by the time they're in you know high school or college when you have to send them away to live sometimes in another state that you've given them all the means right to protect themselves inshallah and you're not staying up at night because I speak to a lot of parents who have so much anxiety they're literally on they're surging with anxiety hormones throughout their body because all they think about is the fear that these fear of like this happening to my child, that happening to my child and so how can we protect them when they're away from us we can teach them how to protect themselves and give them a direct relationship with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala right so part of our job as parents is young when they're young is to give them habits because habits are so good to form when they're younger and that's where I mentioned this the other day with some friends but like something as simple as entertainment for our children right a lot of us are we have the Disney plus the Netflix accounts maybe even songs and music that our children really like to listen to a lot of offerings right when it comes to that kind of stuff and we habituate our kids to like those things and then of course we have devices and iPads and constant games the problem with creating habits like that is they are they're first of all designed to be addictive right so all of those things are they get into the brain and the child doesn't know how to tell the difference they just keep wanting to do it and they don't have some they don't have the ability to stop themselves so you're forming even though it's giving you a break sometimes and I know we all had to rely on these at a certain point but at the end of the day if you continue to do those habits all throughout their childhood, adolescence then don't be surprised when they're teenagers and you they get their phone for the first time and all they want to do on this is entertain themselves right because that's all they associated with it like I have my phone now just like I had my iPad when I was younger so I'm gonna get apps and games and and watch YouTube and TikTok and social media and just spend all my day on listening to music and consuming harmful material because I was habituated to that in a different way from a young childhood, right? So we need to do better and become more creative about the type of media that we expose our children to, right? And so Quran becomes part of the offerings that we should start with our younger children they should be listening to Quran as a beautiful event of their day not as a subject that they have to learn and strict and it's you better learn it and memorize it if you're doing that to your children don't expect them to have a very good relationship with Allah you know don't expect them to have like they'll ever want to go to the masjid and learn or they ever want to listen to the Quran if it becomes this harsh thing that you use to control their behavior because you want them to memorize and you're just worried about again having maybe your sister-in-law's child did their I mean when the child was seven and now it's a competition don't do that your children just they're yours and you and you have to really not worry about competition with these things it's very toxic and this is all shaitan so don't do things like that because I've seen it as a someone who used to teach Quran to young children I've found it very troubling the attitude that a lot of parents had with their children's progress it was very much about how much are they memorizing how and how you know like it's numbers to them and it wasn't about planting a seed of real love and connection with Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala's book so you have to change your attitude about all of these things but specifically with the book of Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala because if you can teach them to have a really strong relationship with the book of Allah and enjoy it then you can also teach them all of those Dua's and they start to again have a bond where you are not really in the picture anymore directly with them and that's the goal right in the beginning we're hand holding we're hand holding until we get them to a place where we can let them go on their own because that's what they're gonna do anyway they're going to have to traverse the dunya alone we're not always gonna be around and so if we don't teach them how to do that but with Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala to protect them and always be with them and that they know that they go to Allah right when they're having anxiety oh there's a Dua for that oh I'm sad I can read you know this particular Surah because this reciter from my childhood I remembered every time I felt sad I had this beautiful playlist that my mom put together for me my dad put together for me and as soon as I heard that reciter right I felt inspired and if you don't know I should mention it here just yesterday there was an app that was released by a very close friend of mine uh... she's also a teacher here in the Bay Area her name is Ustada Mariam Amira Brahimi please make da for her she put together an app on iOS and on Android Google called Qariah Q-A-R-I-A-H this is an incredible app why because it's the first app of its kind to feature all female reciters from around the world so moms with little girls you have to teach show your little girls the power of the the female reciter because in the west we don't have we don't really have these this very it's not very common here but if you go to other parts of the world there are female hufaath female Qariahs that are the win championships they're in competitions and they if you hear them their voices are incredible powerful so they're really uh... very inspiring but we should create that content for our children right so that they know that from a young age i don't need to go and turn on netflix when i'm bored or disney plus because i'm bored no i can do something that is beneficial to me and this is where creative parenting you know comes into play too like coming up with ideas to teach your children not to rely on those mediums you know and i you know i'm speaking as someone who you know i teach about social media literacy because i did the research a long time ago i saw how harmful it was so for my own kids i had very strict rules about this they were it was rigid and it works if you if you can commit to it but you have to do it which is no matter what this is the limit if it's thirty minutes a day one hour a day and it's only this medium or only this content you are the parent you are the rule maker they are subject to what your rules are but if you give in you cave because you're tired and you think oh it's okay you're gonna create habits that will spiral and then they become very difficult to maintain because the child knows now right that you give it to them once so if i wind and i kick and i scream and i make a fuss they might give it to me again and then it's over right so you have to draw a line and if you're fixed and say this is it that's that's it no more and then give them alternatives of course you know like this is something else we can do you will see that effective parenting come through for you because you're breaking these habits a lot of our kids now are they can't break from they're addicted to these mediums and so it's just something to consider but the reason i brought all that up because because the dot of the parent is so important but we need to also teach our children to make up for themselves and so here are some beautiful verses from you know the quran where um... providzah karia is teaching us how again to make these dots right my lord grant me from yourself a good offspring indeed you are the hearer supplication so that's before you have children really seeking again the best of offspring and indeed i fear the successors after me and my wife has been there and so give me from yourself and air so again relying you know on allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and really looking at uh... you're you know that that you are constantly you know in need of him it's so important that we realize that because we would kind of sometimes think that these things are automatic all i'm just gonna try to have a child and i have it but it's all from a lot of you make your attention connected to his pleasure than inshallah uh... he'll give you to feel through that child right uh... and so some but all of these you know verses are to remind us to make intentional does and continue to make dot for our children right who will inherit me and hair from the family of jacob and make him my lord pleasing to you so important that we constantly ask us about to make our children pleasing to him not pleasing to us not pleasing to our in-laws and our parents and the family in the community that's where the trophy child comes but that they truly are pleasing to allah subhanahu wa ta'ala right that allah loves them because they're good children that good akhla good tarbiyah and they and of course all children are pure and beautiful but that they continue that right even into adulthood and that's the power of the dot the parent uh... and then another really important aspect of intentional parenting is self-reflection right uh... the success is that successful parents understand the importance of having high expectations working hard for them but also knowing that outcomes are not up to them so we should always have high expectations with our children that's very good to have high him right so always want success from them always put them on the path of success and work towards those goals it shouldn't just be like lip service but then ultimately you have to surrender to whatever allah decrees because we cannot predict the future and we cannot script our lives if we all could life would be very different we would be in general right if we could all right uh... life plan and then have it all unfold would be the difference you know between that at this in the and jenna because jenna would be it's a wish list isn't it when you think of jenna it's your list of all the things you want so this in the uh... is we don't have that type of control uh... and so it's really important to remember that outcomes are by a loss of a lot of right and here's some relevant uh... verses uh... for us to think about that so again asking for virtue or really having high expectations holding ourselves to account but then ultimately surrendering to a loss of product is decreased in chapter twenty five verse seventy four and those who say our lord grant us from our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous so this is again really important to come back to high you know intentions high uh... you know virtues and goals in terms of what you want for your children to make us an example for the righteous and then chapter forty six verse fifteen and we have been joined upon mantis parents good treatment right his mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship and his gestation and waiting period is thirty months uh... and then you go down further my lord enable me to be grateful for your favor which you have bestowed upon me and upon my parents uh... this is of course the door for of the child for the parents indeed i have repented to you so recognizing your own shortcomings being very you know holding yourself to account is so important as a parent you try your best you want to be grateful but you're also going to make mistakes and that's why toba is so important and then the the final verse here so in a lot of the believers put their trust surrendering to the will of the law is so essential because there's going to be things that we just don't expect i've had we just had earlier a sister here with us mentioned the loss of a child which of course is the most devastating of all tribulations that a person can experience but that is a reality that a lot of people deal with where and every day there this happens and so people's faith are put to the test in this way and that's the the design of the dunya but you have to just know that there's wisdoms that we will not understand and there's answers to questions that we will not receive in this dunya but the believer has such a strong yakin and conviction in their lord that they don't question beyond you know that the fact that a lot of credit is enough but having that attitude before you know problems or tribulations arise will help you to cope when they do so when you are prepared that's why we remember death well that's why we remember uh... tap perspective about you know the temporality of this life is because if you're thinking on those terms regularly then when life hits you with something hard your heart is much more prepared as opposed to those who are lost in in the dream right of this world because this is like a dream state for those who are not awake like really awake the dunya is a dream state because it's full of uh... illusion full of false promises false hopes right there are a lot of people who just invest their entire uh... you know existence into chasing the dunya but then subhanAllah Allah can take it away like that right and so that's where we have to remember that chasing the dunya and you know being caught up in anything that takes us from allah subhanAllah is is it major delusion that so many of us can find ourselves in and the best way to break out of that is to remember the seriousness the gravity of existence of life of death of all these things and at the end of the day it's all temporal and we just have to put our trust in Allah so the summary for today's theme is that we have to have a single mindset we can't be of two minds when we come to parenting i can't be chasing the dunya and want the other life i have to make a decision which was more priority if you live for the after then the beautiful thing about the obvious answer here which is living for the other life is that when you choose allah subhanAllah and choose the other life Allah will facilitate for you this dunya right he'll he'll make things easier for you but if you choose the dunya and start to pursue all of those worldly things then you will actually have a lot of hardship it's because you're not making the right decision and so it's kind of like you're working against yourself when you pick the dunya even though it feels like you're working for yourself right you're worried about money and you're worried about status and power and you know all these things that people throw themselves into you actually end up harming yourself even though it feels like you're working towards a goal because this world is temporary it's gonna be over but the next world is everlasting so obvious choice there and then to purify and renew your intentions really important at every stage of your parenting why are you a parent what am i doing why am i doing this and how do i see my children are they just property of mine i just see them as my property and i can say and do whatever i like or do i genuinely believe that they are the property of allah subhanAllah and i have them for a temporary temporary time and i don't even know how long i have them for and i better make sure i take care of this property and give it back better than how it was given to me right that's the challenge giving it you know returning to allah subhanAllah his property in the best state right establishing your vows what are your vows as a parent right really important that we um that we have vows like what what do you want to why do you want to be a parent and what do you hope to have your children uh... you know become or what how do you see them uh... in the future what what is your dream or goal for them right and then make sure you're making laws regularly it has to be every single day i can't imagine that a parent would go to sleep at night without making a true you know dot for their children we should really think about that like if i and spending my nights watching my favorite shows and falling asleep at the t-v and i don't even think about this i mean this is why we were kind of in the state that we're in is we've abandoned these very clear obvious practices of our dean that were always taught to constantly make dot ask a lot for guidance you're worried about your children like i have parents all the time to come to me and worried i'm so worried about my kids is there a man you know they go to the school they go to that school their friends are like this i don't know if they're you know their faith is weak their faith is this and then when you ask them so do you you know how often do you get up for the hajj all you know it's so hard and so tired get up make it a priority if you're going through a trial with your children wake up in that sacred time that we know is you know those musta jab Allah's seeking out who's who's got prayers so that i can answer them and you're gonna you know pick up the phone and call people and complain about your children but you don't go to the one who can actually change so we have to be better and realize we have means Allah has given us the means to find solutions but we're looking always in the world you know for means picking up the guidance counselor the share this person what about allah he's the one who can flip that your child's heart you gotta go to him first and then yes you can figure out other people but if you're not doing that part there's a problem right so the parental prayer and the weight of the prayer of the parent we have to know it and remember to hold yourself accountable if you hold up yourself uh... mirror every day which is what the process of muhassaba is right muhassaba is taking yourself into account so every day before you go to sleep the best part really you could do it even in bed when you're laying there before you're dreaming is to just think about what i do today that was a low point for me as a parent did i yell at my child was i disrespectful to teach them to lie sometimes we teach our children very bad habits because we're doing them and they're modeling us and if you did that it's okay make a stop for ask a lot for give me i need to do better but renew your intentions if you're not even doing that accountability then you're not aware of yourself and the cycles repeat habits get formed your children learn from you and then you find yourself uh... in crisis mode so self accountability is essential every day and also look at the high moments yalla i we had a really beautiful discussion today or my child uh... got up and prayed for example without even be asking them to do they did it on their own yalla please protect that for them yalla please make them always be the type that pray on their own i don't have to have them did you pray did you pray did you pray why are we doing that right we have to figure out why don't they want to pray for themself instead of just being that nagging voice that bothers them and then they feel like i don't want to ever pray as soon as i leave this house use you know they say like insanity is is when you use the same situation over and over again thinking it's gonna have a different result so you have to know as a parent that a certain point if something isn't working for your child you have to have a different strategy and that's why it's important to know your children right and really pay attention to their temperaments you can have three four five children in one household all completely different personality types but if you have a one-size-fits-all model parenting you're not going to be very effective but if you see your children right like our teachers talked about subhanallah something called you know that the another that the eye of the parent it's a very powerful potent uh... look that the mother especially has and i'm speaking you know mostly to the sisters here but you know the mother has a lot of power in in the way that we validate our children right so if we give our children the eye that i see you i value you i respect you i love you you matter i take your opinion into consideration i'm not just talking down to you because i think you're just this annoying child that i have to be quiet all the time subhanallah if you disrespect your children that way don't be surprised when you're sixty seventy years old and you're in need of their care and they're talking down to you the same way it's gonna come back right but if you honor your children and you respect them you listen to them yes my kids know when i'm working if they come in it's a rule you know i have to if i'm on the phone i have to put it away if they will ask for a hug no matter what i'm doing it's hug time i can't that's it and they will they'll they'll guilt to me and i told them do that if i am ever so engrossed in my phone or work that i can't stop to hug my child you should tell me so that i feel i was stuck for a while i'm sorry but they do it you know and and now alhamdulillah we have that established relationship where they know that is a need for them they'll come in and i'm sure you you have little ones here you know they need affection they but if we're too busy cooking if we're too busy on the phone if we're too busy doing our own stuff and we shoot them away and dismiss them what we're telling them is i don't you're not as important to me as all this stuff and yes there's you know balance i'm not saying you have to completely sit there all day and stare at their face you know make sure your children never question they're not important to you if they feel they you you let them walk away from you feeling that someone else or something else is important above them when they're young it's really gonna affect their confidence right and their their their overall there's a lot of things that can happen with that because you see all these kids who have deep insecurities and it comes from the home environment a lot of times because they didn't get the parental love and affection that they needed so when they're young it's so essential that we see our children and then watch what happens because when they feel seen as their young adolescents and then they go into adulthood you will feel seen as well they'll speak to you with respect they'll listen to you they'll come to you when they have problems because you've created an environment of trust of love but it starts with us right so there's all these things that we have to do as parents to remind ourselves of these things but holding ourselves accountable is the way to get there if you don't hold yourself accountable then you just think you're doing the best job and it's good enough and that's it's never good enough we always want to be better work hard and then of course like going letting go of outcomes at Hamdallah so this was the summary of the theme for today if there are any questions i'm happy to stick around for a little bit longer any questions oh yeah there's a mic inshallah that's good oh yeah thank you just like you're looking for coming mashallah i really you know we kind of because it's the first time we're opening up post-covid we didn't know what to expect but i said let's try there might be people who want to come and mashallah your children are so beautiful may Allah protect and preserve all of them i don't think i've ever attended session with this many children and not had a peep out of them that is like amazing mashallah mashallah and not to say that i would have a problem with that but it's just there's something clearly that they that you're doing right continue Hamdallah yes oh yes absolutely so this um weird that i mentioned if you do a search right now i'll give you the link okay if you have your phone out um let me actually see if i can display it here maybe i can do that because for those who are here let me see yes it's muwassala.org so this is and they have um sorry you know let me do the actual pdf search pdf weirds so there's two uh... different uh... weird oh sorry of course it's gonna do this uh... so one second so the weird that i would recommend it's not just me it's actually our teachers is called al-wurda latif which is the second one this one is for group recitation but the one that um... that we read in the morning for example my family we read this every day we have this in the morning playing there's a youtube video of this um... that you can find there's actually a lot of youtube videos of recitations of this this is a free pdf so you can print it at home if you go to this website which is muwassala m-u-w-a-s-a-l-a but the easiest thing to do is just do al-wurda latif take a screenshot of it or a picture of it and do a pdf search of that just do pdf the title it'll come up it's the first link and then go to youtube and also search al-wurda latif and you'll hear the eighteen minute one is the law is the proper duration some of them are shorter like eleven do eighteen minutes very easy when you're cooking breakfast you're getting the kids ready if they go to school have it playing if you have a bluetooth speaker or just on just play it and it's inshallah after time you'll find that they've memorized it because if they're younger they'll memorize it's it's a really beautiful uh... thing that happens with the brain is you could just passively memorize so inshallah but do this every single day for yourself your family may Allah protect us all protect our homes inshallah muwaiyaki any other questions muwaiyakum thank you baraka lafikum for attending muwassala you know it's really important that we have you know these i mean we've come back to our community and have these types of gatherings together because we're all in the same boat you know whether our children are older or younger we all need each other we need these reminders so i'm really grateful to mcc please make da'a for everyone at mcc for facilitating and all of the all of you for being here alhamdulillah we'll see you inshallah next week so close out in da'a bismillah ar-rahman ar-rahim al-asr in al-insan al-afiqusr ill aladina amin wa'amil al-salihaati wa'tawasub al-haqi wa'tawasub al-sabr subhanak allahum wa bihamdika as-shadu an la ilaha ila anta nastaqfiruku wa natubu ilayk allahum as-sala wa as-sala mubarak al-as-saidana wa maulana wa habibirah muhammad salallahu alaihi wa as-salam wa alaihi wa sahbihi wa as-salam tasliman kathira subhanu rabbika rabbi al-aizati ama yusufun wa salamun alal mursaleen wal-hamdulillahi rabbil al-alameen al-hamdulillahi jazakumul akhirin again everyone thank you so much inshallah we'll see you next week inshallah ar-rahman ar-rahim welcome to Quranic parenting last week we began our first session of the series on intentional parenting right because with all as with all things we have to have the right intention right and so even with our parenting journey we have to really confront and and come to terms with what are our intentions with wanting to be parents and so we spent a lot of time exploring that but first we looked at what parenting today looks like right because parenthood of course in our society today is very different than the ideals of what our dean teaches us or aspires to us to right so we want to examine that what we're dealing with right so we we went through some of the trends that we're seeing with people delaying marriage as well as motherhood right so a lot of women because of the opportunities afforded to them now they're delaying this part of their life until you know they're mid 30s or later and then just some experiences of the pressures that both women and men feel in terms of managing you know the parenting whether they're doing it as a couple in a in a nuclear you know traditional family or single parents but each gender does have some some pressures that are unique to them and so just kind of exploring some of the data there and then we also talked about how and the reason why it's so different is because we're in a time where a lot of things are being redefined right gender roles you know the the institutions of marriage what it what it even looks like now in this society is very again different than what it always has been traditional because you'll find different types of families or family units or marriages marriage unions and so we want to really be aware of what we're up against of course the economics and behind why people marry the goals and objectives of families and couples are also different in some cases in many cases I should say cultural shifts and attitudes towards for example premarital relations and monogamous relationships are also very different than what it was in the past and then the importance of having partners that have either the same or similar religious affiliation and commitment right to those conservative values is also different you find a lot of people now marrying sometimes not only people who are not necessarily on the same wavelength or path but even outside of the faith it's it's more and more common so these are things we have to be aware of and then we talked about the importance of when we talk about intentionality that there are two mindsets that you have in all things right and and everybody in the world is of one of these two minds you're either thinking in worldly terms whether it's parenting or marriage or or or anything else or you're thinking in other worldly terms right so when it comes to parenting the mindsets are you're you're focused on worldly parenting what that and we kind of explore what that means and then what other worldly parenting is is of course you're you're setting your sights on the next world on on what will get you there so parenting becomes a means to that end whereas the worldly parenting is more focused on you know just the benefits of coming together having a family having children and you get really caught up in that right and so I also just reminded everyone of the cost of parenting today that it's quite expensive I'm sorry so according to one study two hundred and thirty three thousand dollars and six hundred or six hundred ten dollars to raise one child today right and this is from twenty fifteen so it's probably even more now with all the inflation costs and and costs of food and gas and clothing and everything right so we're it's very difficult for many people to have children because of this reason and just to bring it back to that point of worldly versus other worldly a lot of times people get caught up in the experience of being pregnant or having the you know the baby pictures and the the newborn phase because that is a phase that is fun right there's a there's a celebratory aspect of obviously bringing in a new life but having a lot of celebration around that so people will get caught up in that but then they don't think that that child will grow and you are then responsible for making sure that it is provided for in every sense of the word but spiritually most importantly that you have to raise it with the values that it can maintain its its religious identity and that that that's a lot of work for parents so we have to look beyond just this commercialization of parenting that we unfortunately see everywhere around us and then you know a reminder about the fact that it is our duty right parenting is in a manner it's our responsibility to make sure that we raise our children on fitra otherwise they will stray and and this is the the task before us as parents so really having the understanding of what it means to have the other worldly lens is that you realize the objective is to raise inshallah the next generation of believers and that will be your means to paradise inshallah and so you know the intentional you know the questions that we have to ask ourselves when we want to be intentional about parenting is why do i want to become a parent how do i plan to prepare for parenthood mashallah i had a sister earlier in our thicket she's single and she said she's not married but she asked if she could stay and i told her you are the shining example that i always like to to show people that yes when you are um attending these types of events whether it's parenting or marriage without you know in preparation you are actually doing it right we all should have been doing that we all should have been sitting into these types of classes long before we ever got our selves in a marital or you know parenting role because the preparation is so necessary we're it's so necessary to do that preparatory work and then when do i plan to get started right so asking these questions we talked a lot about what parent is and what it isn't so i mentioned that it's an amana it's a trust from god it's a sunnah obviously of the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam he had children it's a gift parenting is a gift there we mentioned also in the previous thicket that we had one of the sisters reminded us to make dua for those who wish to have children because there are many who are struggling with infertility and they they really want this gift of parent to to be a parent and so when you have it you have to see that a lot of you know gave you preferred you in for this role and it is uh an immense immense gift as well as an amana and then it's also also going to be a test of faith because as Allah swt tells us that he will try us he will test us through our children right and so you will have times where things are going to be difficult it comes part part it's part and parcel of being a parent and what parenting isn't is this right of passage that has to happen just because you're married because if that's what you think then you're not doing it for the greater goals of wanting to please Allah swt you're just doing it because your family's pressuring you right your mom is asking you your grandma is asking you and your limited understanding is well i just have to get children i have to have children now just like i had to get married now you see that that's a very flat lacking lackluster intention it's just like i'm just doing something because it's custom but we have to be better about our intentions right avoiding the criticism of family or society or community is not a reason to have children it's because you want to raise good you know believers and you want to be a part of that and that's the the intention you have to come at it with and then it's also not just for fun and games right as we mentioned earlier the celebratory sort of excitement around children or marriage is often what we get caught up in but that is not the purpose of it it's the the wedding is not the purpose of a marriage and neither is the baby shower a purpose of parenting right it's also not a way to exploit oneself or family so if you're having children so that they can continue the family business and you can use them for free labor all the blood certainly not you know a good intention and it's also not a way to parade your children around just as little extensions of you because sometimes parents think of their children as their property and you know i want a good image in front of people so i'm going to have multiple children just so that i can show how cute my kids are how well-behaved they are their model children they go to school they've finished their paran khatam by the age of seven i am going to throw them a party and we just make it all the spectacle which is look at me i'm such a great person i have such beautiful amazing children look at me look at me these are the wrong intentions it has to be for the sake of allah subhanu ta'ala and we talked about the importance of having a parental vow right which we because it's quranic parenting we're going back to the quran to see these things modeled for us so we mentioned hana bin faqud who is the mother of our mother mariam alayhi salam and how she literally made a vow to allah subhanu ta'ala that she whatever was in her womb that she was offering it in the service of allah subhanu ta'ala that is intentional parenting that is a perfect example of someone who understands that when a child is you know allah is blessed you with a child that your mind should not be about how you're going to benefit from this child in this life but rather that that child grows up to to know allah subhanu ta'ala and is on the right path and is an agent of guidance for others of light and worships allah subhanu ta'ala as he so deserves that that is the intention right and so she made that beautiful intention and then we also talked about the prayer because our du'as are very important and we sometimes forget there's a lot of anxiety in parenting today i know because i talked to a lot of parents and the anxiety is always directed towards other people do you know someone i can ask for this is there a therapist is there this i need help with my child with this and we're always looking at the worldly means of how to address a lot of our fears but then when you ask okay i understand you're worried about your child's behavior their friends you know whether or not their their dean is strong but what are you doing in terms of spiritually addressing those concerns right if you're just picking up the phone and calling and trying to network but then you're not waking up in the middle of the night right and this goes for the mothers and the fathers we have to get up and we have to ask the only one who can actually change our children's situation whether it's a health issue a mental health issue a behavioral issue whatever it is the only one who can actually bring about the change you're seeking is allah subhanu ta'ala so you cannot bypass allah and then go through everyone else right you have to get up and the your real sincerity of concern is shown by how much you seek allah subhanu ta'ala because otherwise it's lip service oh i'm so worried about my kids if you're worried about your kids show your worried get up compromise your sleep right show allah subhanu ta'ala i'm really stressed out about my children's guidance yalla please guide them please guide them please guide them and also make good choices for them right which we're going to get to today in session two this is just a summary but it's so important that we really use the means that allah subhanu ta'ala has given us the prophecy that reminded us that the da'a is the weapon of the believer so if you're battling demons then take out your weapons right and use them which are your da'a's we talked about parental self-reflection it's very important that we we of course have those high expectations and we work towards them but we also remember that outcomes we don't control right it's very important to have that pause to say okay i'm trying my best i'm doing everything but at the end of the day they belong to allah subhanu ta'ala and i can only do my best when you have prophets and that's why we have the stories of the prophets to remind us like prophet nooh alaihi salam who we know struggled because his son literally disobeyed him and did not believe and that was a struggle for a prophet of god right so if he you know had to face this this reality that outcomes are only decreed by allah then certainly we do as well and we have to submit now that doesn't mean we stop praying and we get we become resigned no it just means that at a certain point you know what you can do and what you can't do but hold yourself accountable right hold yourself accountable and this is again where constantly going back to um you know asking for allah subhanu ta'ala to guide you to to surrender to his degree and also asking for those things that you want with clarity be very descriptive in your duos you know just to do general duos allah protect my children yes but how what do you mean by that protect them from what harms do you know the harms are you aware of all the harms show that you really are like be explicit as possible in your duos because that will give you again um that sense of ownership of of uh you know your responsibility as a parent but also connect you to the fact that allah is the only one who can help you so making sure to do that and these are all from the examples again from the Quran uh that we uh that we can learn from so inshallah really important to um to to know that so this is the summary and again you know you can go back and watch the first video from last week to get more in-depth discussion on all of those things i'm just summarizing before we get into today's discussion so these are the points of the summary that um you can go ahead and if you want just screenshot or take um and then we'll go ahead and begin for session too so as i mentioned we start obviously with intentionality and now that we've um inshallah aligned ourselves with the proper intentions we need to look at the target and the target is the best of examples the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he is enough for us to know how to parent effectively if we learn his methodology his ways his teachings his words we will inshallah become effective parents if we abandon his ways and take our own ways our mom our mother's ways our father's ways our grandparents ways our cultures ways we will struggle so that's really as simple as we can uh you know state that that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi sallam is the best of examples so now what does that mean well here is a hadith that is often uh related when we talk about marriage where the Prophet sallallahu alayhi sallam is teaching us about um how to approach parenting right and he reminds us each of you every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his or her flock and then he goes into the details of what that means right the leader of a people so the general community leader or leader of a nation is a guardian and is responsible for his or her subjects a man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them so the wording it matters here because family is not specified to just wife and children he also has his parents his siblings other people that he also is responsible for and sometimes women need to be reminded of that right that he is responsible for all of the you know maintaining all of that and so sometimes you have to let him go right let him tend to other family needs and it's difficult but it's a good reminder for us and then the woman is the guardian of her husband's home and his children and she is responsible for them so this is why we say that the domain of the house and the what way the house is run the household the culture that's in the household is the domain of women right she should be allowed to really dictate and to lead inshallah of course with her husband there to support her but this is where running a household um effectively because the woman is likely doing a lot of that management anyway should be her domain and she can flourish in that responsibility as a leader because a shepherd is is a leadership role right so he's delineating all of the ways that we are leading independently and then the servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he's responsible for it no doubt every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his or her flock and i love this because even though it's not mentioned here when we are talking to our children about these types of messages from our prophet so i said that last line matters because if we want empowered children we want children with strong muslim identities we have to also imbue in them this understanding that they also are called to leadership roles so give your children responsibility early on let them flourish as leaders in their own way with between their siblings as they're teaching them or cousins or other friends give them responsibility early don't coddle them because when we overly coddle children we we then create these imbalances and these codependencies that they don't know how to find their their voice or their you know their their the role that of leadership that that is expected of them if you look at the seer of the prophet was because he was the most emotionally intelligent human being ever he made space for all of the community members everyone felt heard and listened to and felt that they had a role in that community he would even seek out the youth and give them leadership roles for that reason so what about us in our households when we say no no no and especially when it comes to you know some of our cultures where there's a major disparity between how you know some genders are treated versus others so you'll find a lot of the young girls in many households in many cultures doing a lot of the the work and taking on a lot of responsibility helping their parents but then there's a double standard when it comes to boys right no no no that's their boys let them go out and and do other things but not girls work right not not the house work this is completely anti-son the prophet's life was known to to wash his own dishes mend his own clothes help in the household so what are we saying when we are you know creating this this disparity and and teaching our boys that to to help in the house is not something becoming of a young boy and he should just be out but the girls have to do it all this is wrong and that's why if we don't know these things and obviously we're going to pass on these these just you know just wrong messages and and feel the effects of that as the resentment between in our in our children grows because it's not a it's not a fair system right so that's just a side note but this hadith i love because when you think of a shepherd right look at this picture this picture is a beautiful picture of a shepherd and look how he is overlooking his you know flock and he has some tools around him right he's holding his staff which is the crook this is a very important tool that shepherds use because it gives them the ability to do what first of all it serves as an extended arm okay so look at the amount of in this image anyway there's several animals so for him to be able to show the boundaries for his flock he has to have an extended arm and that's where the crook can also the staff of the of the shepherd can come in place he extends his arm this way and the sheep know to go this way right so that tells us that one of the important parts of parenting is that we have to have reach we have to know how to reach our children which means communication if we don't have strong communication skills then we will not know how to reach them we won't they won't listen to us just the same way as if he's trying to get their attention and he's waving his his you know arms but they can't see it it's because he's not using the tools at his disposal to actually get the message across which is don't go there or go here right so that's the shepherd it's on the shepherd to know how to communicate the other important thing that it does is also gives him control right so he's reaching them through communication but also that sense of control because yes there are boundaries that he's supposed to be protecting the flock from so that's the other parenting tool that we need to have we have to be able to also make sure that we create you know that we have that stability and safety and that we're showing control as parents right so we have to have the reach we have to have the control and the last which is you know the the part of the the top part of the staff has a crook it's like a you know crooked sort of bent over apart and that's intentional because when the animal falls for example into a ditch or somewhere that it shouldn't go to you can imagine these animals are quite heavy right and so for a shepherd to not be able to help the animal up right to get out of that dangerous situation then it would perish so immediately that crook can be used to take put either around the neck of the animal or around the ankle or whatever is lodged and so the shepherd can pull the animal out to safety right so that safety that control that reach these are the three main tools that parents have to have and learn from the example of a shepherd and so you know we mentioned this one you know tool that that is at his disposal but then there are other things that the shepherd also does in order to make this happen first of all who you know if i don't know how many of you have ever been on a farm or know any shepherds personally but if you know that life you know that they have to wake up early right you cannot effectively lead a flock anywhere and take care of them if you're going to sleep in right because they are on a different schedule they animals tend to wake up you know with the sunrise and they have their own needs that need to be met so you have to be ahead so a lot of people who live these types of homestead lives or shepherding lives they will be awake very early now how does that relate to parenting that translates to we have to be ahead right we cannot be a totally oblivious to what's going on in the world of children just like a shepherd cannot be oblivious to the needs of his flock so you have to be reading you have to know what's going on in their world what's happening at school if especially especially if you're sending your children to public school that is so critical that you know what's happening in their classroom who their teachers are what are the philosophies of that teacher because you will you're witnessing it right now it's like a takeover of our educational system there are people with agendas literally trying to bring in and indoctrinate our children with their own ideas and if you don't know that and if you don't know how to even be aware of that or how to handle that situation then you're going to get yourself in trouble because your children will be in these classes for eight 10 hours a day learning things that are antithetical to your faith in your culture in your home life and that influence is going to increase over time so we have to be ahead we have to know what's going on at school we have to know what's going on with their friends groups who are they talking to what kind of friends listen in on some of their discussions it's okay this whole idea of oh i have to respect my children's privacy to what end especially if you don't know their the quality of their friends you're going to let them go into their rooms close doors and have no idea what they're talking about this is wrong open door policies especially when they're young they shouldn't be closing off why what are you talking about that that someone else if they passed by it would be you know wrong or you would feel you know uncomfortable with that so these are the types of rules if we implement them in our house at an early when they're young then it'll be very normal for them so you know making sure that we know what's going on also in the world of of social media a lot of parents give their kids these devices not realizing that these devices are more dangerous than weapons they're more dangerous than weapons right if you if you would you couldn't even think of giving your child an actual gun with bullets loaded but you would happily give them a device without any supervision no parental controls no even you know time like management where it's like oh they could just have it it's fine then it's the same as just telling them here play with this gun it's fine it's actually worse i should say because what this exposes them to is a slow and painful death it's you know whereas a weapon is instantaneous this is slow death of the soul when they're exposed to the evil that can come from this this thing so we have to be very careful about making sure that we know what is going on and that we're ahead right so the shepherd again going back to this model wakes up early gets their food prepared and also the shepherd knows the boundaries of where to go so you as a parent have to know those boundaries that's where that again control reach and safety comes into play and that staff by the way is also used to test the grounds so i know for example parents some parents i'm just going to mention this because i know there is this in my generation generation x there are some parents who are they're maybe like leadites which are people who are like anti technology they're just not really interested right and if you have that attitude i understand personally you don't need to be on social media you don't need to have a single presence but that does not absolve you of the responsibility of knowing what is on social media you get it you don't have to have a presence you don't have to be active but you should know what's happening in the world of social media and so that is where that staff of testing the ground before the flock you know goes is an essential role of the shepherd because he has to make sure it's not quicksand you know or it's not a slippery slope that they're going to fall slide and to their end so this is where we as parents have to really take this analogy of the shepherd to heart and learn from it and remember we are responsible ultimately now i love this because this goes to um this is just uh sorry this is um based on this quote up here at the top of vessel only pours out what it contains is actually from a famous story from said naissa alayhi salam that we have where he was once with his disciples and he walked by a group of men and those men cursed him okay so he's with his disciples they cursed him and he responds with dawn you know salamu alaykum or greeting a beautiful greeting so his disciples are shocked like why would you do that they cursed you you know they didn't understand and his response was this a vessel only pours out what it contains this is so beautiful because if we all understood this and we understood uh for ourselves first and foremost to really manage our vessels right our hearts our bodies our minds and to make sure that we're careful of what we are consuming and what we're putting into it then we can have that same understanding when it comes to our children and realize i want my children to have the purest right um of vessels and how can i do that as parents so why is this image so powerful i use this image a lot um especially when i talk to youth because i i will say to them tell me what you see here so any guesses what do we see here you guys what are these glasses of of what okay you've listened to my uh talks before anyone else so i get answers like tea some even say beer i don't know why they know that but okay um coke uh you know the coffee they'll throw out all of these answers and i'm like good good keep coming keep coming and then they're mortified when i tell them actually this is from a water treatment facility these are all different cups of water that have obviously there's contaminated water here right so they test levels of of different water sources so why is this such a powerful image because we're all human beings we're all here with the same opportunities to know Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala we're all here and yes we'll have different struggles and different tests in our life but we ultimately choose what we consume right what we take in every one of us has the same uh free will right to choose uh good versus you know evil in every instance and so if we're not cognizant of that then you know we want obviously all of us in shahla we want to be that first cup on the right clear pure you know untainted but because we're not paying attention to what we're consuming we end up taking in oh a little bit here it's okay a little bit here it's okay oh i'm i'm not going to read Quran today but i'm going to go and you know watch a netflix series and waste my brain cells okay well you do that over time and it's going to turn into that dark drink at the end right whereas Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is always calling us to his remembrance and to do good works and to really think about how can i polish this vessel of mine because i'm accumulating sins all the time but we we have to be mindful of that and and then when we are mindful of our own vessels then inshallah we can have that as part of our parenting as well which is really essential so here are the prophetic principles back to that shepherding model that we want to think about and the reason why again that image i wanted you to hold it is because you have to be a person of character before you demand it of others you cannot be a person of low character and then expect that your children are going to have high character but there are a lot of people who curse who lie who use raise their voice who are you know who do not have good character who are impatient who explode but then they want model children right i want my children to be perfect it doesn't work that way so when we say you have to be a leader you have to be responsible we are saying you have to do it first and then your children will learn from you you have to be knowledgeable you have to know your deen there are a lot of parents who don't invest in their own knowledge of deen they don't study akida or fiqh or quran they don't know how to read the book of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala they will not invest in themselves but they will bring their kids to the sunday school and pay the fees and then you know really get hard on them for why aren't you doing your work why aren't you doing your work but if it's time to read quran with them and they come to you and you say oh i don't know how to read go to so and so how can you how are you effective you have to learn to to be able to model what you want for me for your children so that when they see you doing it then it's normal for them but if they're like oh you don't even do it why should i do it and then once they get to the to the age of logic and reasoning and being able to talk back they will come to you you don't even do it why should i do it right you don't and that's and how can you defend that argument so you have to be knowledgeable you also have to be attentive if you're always looking at your devices when they're talking to you uh-huh uh-huh and you know we're all guilty of this to a certain degree but you have to have the presence to say wait a second my child has entered the space and i have a short time with them and this is the heartbreaking thing about parenting if you have ever met anybody who's in the later stage where they're empty nesters they cry for the years that they neglected their children because now they're alone now there's no sounds in their home now there's no doors opening and closing and you know all of those noises that children make the laughter it's none of it it's dead silence and it's very uncomfortable for a lot of people who are lonely in isolation you know their entire groups of people and areas in our world where people are there's a crisis of loneliness because parents have children that have left them and now they have nobody so if we don't realize and appreciate the value of our children when they come into our space and honestly it's one of the most heartbreaking things and i'm speaking as a mother like when you watch your children suddenly overnight they're grown and you're like yalla all those years when i could hold them you know i see some precious babies here with us hold those children and do not ever forget that that will it's not gonna last and they're gonna grow up and they're gonna go on their own path and it's really hard but we have to be attentive to attentive to them so when they come to you and they want to tell you a story and you've heard it a thousand times before or or they're one of those and then and then and then and then it just never ends it's hard because we have things to do but wallahi just give yourself pause and say i have to appreciate this this joy that this child is presenting in me because a lot of the adults in the world have lost it our hearts have just lost joy awe of allah we don't get excited about things that are deserving to get excited right so when a child comes to you they're kind of they're an eye they're a sign for you from god that look look at this child who can find joy in a leaf in a rock in a pebble so be attentive and that means put the phone away look at them our eye parental eye is so potent we don't realize that our children are hungry for our eye they want to be seen they want to know that we they matter and nobody can do that more than we can nobody nobody can can give them that that that feeling of i see you more than the parent so be attentive listen to their stories answer their questions why mommy why daddy answer be in control right back to the shepherd model you have to know how to know the difference between authority right authoritarian versus authoritative authoritarian is i have to raise my voice to get something from you i have to threaten you i have to take something away from you snatch it from your hands if you're doing that you have no control you have no control you're forcing control you are demanding respect but you're not commanding it commanding respect is having management of your emotions and speaking in a very direct voice so that the child knows that you there's no option right if you ask them to do something you give them the instruction and it's not um you know there's no debate because you're the authority you've established yourself as an authority but if you're having to debate every single time we've lost control and so you have to go back to how can i establish that communication because if the child doesn't feel like they want to listen to you maybe there's something that you need to explore there why why don't you want to listen to me are you upset with me is there some resentment you're holding talk to me let me know so i can heal that wound because you're you're you're coming at me with this aggression no no well there's more to it and if we actually probe a little bit we might find that they are holding on to some pain so explore that and communicate be resilient as we mentioned you have to realize you're not always going to be in control and you have to be able to bear through the tough times and not fall apart inshallah Allah is with you and your dua are powerful and remember they ultimately belong to him but don't fall apart just because you have a crisis or a problem with your children turn to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala be compassionate children and youth especially teens need empathy they need compassion from us more than they need our demands and our threats and all those ultimatums they need compassion and patience and respect children deserve to be respected if they don't want to wear for example a shirt and you are forcing them to wear it unless you know there's a real reason you have to ask why maybe they they feel and i know i have you know i've seen this happen too some some children are more sensitive to certain fabrics for example so if they're telling you it's itchy i don't like it please then you have to find a solution maybe wear an undershirt but not to be like no you must because that's disrespecting the very basic need which is i am uncomfortable and i don't want to go to this event for five six hours miserable because you want me to look like a little trophy kid so respecting your children is meeting their needs or listening to what their needs are trying to meet them but actually wanting to hear what's the issue not be quiet what do you know out of the way so many people talk to young children or if they don't want to eat something don't force them sometimes you know some picky eaters i understand they might like the attention of being the picky eater in the family so you kind of have to discern whether or not that's happening or if it's really that they don't like something and work you know navigate that conversation respectfully be vigilant be consistent be humble all of these qualities we have to possess inshallah if we want to be effective parents right and so how do we prepare for leadership well you know we have to understand our self well our own needs the needs of those in our care the needs uh i'm sorry we have to understand those in our care and also their needs the potential dangers and threats that are out there and how to prevent with proper measures we have to seek the help when necessary sometimes you know we we don't seek help at all which is a problem because we are a dean of nasiha and we should seek out people with experience who can help us but do it obviously in a way that is um you know comfortable for you and ultimately the most important thing that we do is we rely on Allah subhanu wa ta'ala and submit to his will so constantly bringing it back to Allah now because we this is Quranic parenting and we are talking about the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam we need to now set our sight on the on the on on him right or on on his blessed countenance an example for us so the character of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam as was described in many hadith um was likened to a walking Quran right and he had the greatest character right the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was described in the Quran directly in chapter 68 four verse four as having the great uh great character so and then of course Allah also reminds us as also reminds us that he is our example right in chapter 33 verse 21 um and that he subhanAllah in everything he did right every word he said all of his concerns his worries were for us right he wants our success and here in chapter 9 verse 128 Allah says there has certainly come to you an apostle from among yourselves grievous to him is your distress so he is is you know um pained by our burdens subhanAllah he has a deep concern for you and is most kind and merciful to the faithful so you know think about that when you're again looking at his example and his words and his instructions that it's all out of love it's out of concern and that's where um you know where he's coming from always when it comes to these things and then the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is the most gentle so by again all from the Quran these verses so by mercy from Allah you were lenient with them right and if you had been rude in speech and harsh in heart they would have disbanded from about you so just mentioning his beautiful qualities that he was always lenient and gentle with people so this is our example and if we don't see ourselves reflected in anything here if we don't have gentleness we're not concerned we were kind of in our own world self-centered egoistic uh you know lives were very very far from his example and of course character is virtue so you have to think about all the virtues that he possessed he was the most trustworthy the most honest the most loving the most kind and most compassionate he was always empathic with everyone and we'll get to that in a moment but all of these things are um speak of his character also the descriptions of him in the hadith so those are from the Quran and here are the hadith that describe him uh said Aisha she says uh or i'm sorry qatada he said to say the Aisha oh mother of the believers tell me about the character of the messenger of Allah and she asked him have you not read the Qur'an i have of course he says and she said verily the character of the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam was the Qur'an so he was the Qur'an again walking right um how he honored his children or children in general not only his own children but others as well this is from anus ibn madik he said that the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam would pass by young boys and greet them with peace so you want to think about that do you do that do you our children invisible to you other than your own i i feel like a lot of us are just walking by our children you see in this community nobody wants to greet the children they just walk right by because they see them as nuisances we shoot children away all the time go to the kids section why are you here or we see um this and i always have to catch myself because we do this reflexively we'll see families we'll see our friends oh and the kids are just standing there and nobody's turning to the kids how are you this was his son to go down and talk to the children meet them at their eye level ask them questions engage them make them feel seen and heard and imagine if we all did that to our children to each other's children what a beautiful community we had but you have a lot of children who are invisible to their own parents and then they come to the community and they're invisible to the community so you think they're not going to want to be seen elsewhere of course and that's when the social media becomes something right let me go get an instagram a tiktok and then become insta-famous or let me go and join other groups that do see me right because there are other people who are well willing to welcome our kids in fully embrace them but it comes with a price give up your dean right don't be muslim and you can be part of this club of inclusivity we're all a family right this is the message that they're getting outside so if we don't step up as a community and start seeing children and honoring them the way our prophesies have taught us then we cannot complain when we find faith crises happening or them just not wanting to come to the mission anymore and this is a failure on us right because we've strayed so far from his example the process was also playful with children right so he would play with zaynab the daughter of al-salama and he would even like have little cute phrases like oh zaynab oh zaynab just imagine him saying that to you know this little girl and how special she felt that here's the prophet of allah you know playing these little games with her that's our that's our prophesies so he's our example and this is not just for your own children right we have to be better when we're with even children that are not our own and then he was also very loving and endearing so there's many stories about the prophet of allah some with children but one in particular is when this boy who was called abu-mer when he lost his little sparrow the prophet said him you know really attended to him because he lost his bird his pet bird so the suffering of you know children even in these little things when they're toy breaks right when they dropped their ice cream cone their little hearts broken over things that we might think are trivial but if you don't stop and empathize and show them some compassion in that moment then again you're not following the brothers I said them because for some people especially those who are not from cultures where pets are even kept that's what's the big deal so there's a bird you know there's millions of birds that's the kind of attitude a lot of people have that's so harsh to tell a child that even if they had a bug and they love that bug you can't be like oh it's a big deal it's just a little snail oh well it got crushed no it may have had a bond with that snail maybe was talking to the snail maybe the snail was a friend or even with toys so we have to be really gentle when we're with children as was his example this is the again the character of the prophet's son this is prophetic parenting more hadiths this is from anas so he says I served the prophet's son for 10 years he's not his child and he never said oof, oof is what it's the word that many of us say when we're frustrated right oof, oof he didn't even say that so imagine all of us were like no no it's just automatic for some people you know and for no reason a lot of us have become so tyrannical that we have the most arbitrary rules today you can watch a little bit of tv tomorrow no why but you let me yesterday no I said so that is tyranny and that is so confusing to a young child like you're not consistent in your parenting why is it based on your mood if I can have a piece of candy today but then because you're bitter at the world you want to cut me off from my joy this is because we don't there's no concept of like treat the child with respect and stop projecting your all your anger and frustration onto this little pure vessel whose heart is in fitra and it's he what he or she was sent to you so that you are uh you know reminded of god we have to do better but he he didn't even say oof I can't even imagine right because we all fail so miserably but subhanallah and he says why did you he never even told him why did you do so or so and so or didn't do so imagine all of us when we get upset with our children for not cleaning their rooms or dishes we do it all of us but we have to learn from his example that he didn't assign blame and that's the point here there was no shaming you can certainly be responsible because you want to obviously you know lead your children to correct behavior but the shaming is what we're addressing here right the prophecy didn't shame children so if you're shaming your children like what's wrong with you right learn we have to all learn may Allah forgive us I should then also reported I have not seen anyone who resembled the prophesied son in terms of word speech and manners uh more than fatima his daughter radi allaha anha and she now look she's describing her the interactions between the prophesied son and his daughter so this is for all of us who have children especially those who are who have daughters fathers in particular look at how the father greeted his daughter I mean the prophecy greeted his daughter when he saw her coming he would greet her he would stand up from his place so imagine she went enters the room the prophesied son would stand because he wanted to welcome her right embrace her it wasn't like just come in yeah sit there it was I'm gonna welcome you and then he would go to her or she would meet in the middle kiss her take her hand by the hand and brought her to her seat this was the prophesied son with his own daughter so how are we with our children you know sometimes we're pushing them away or we're just again shooing them he welcomed and this was their way of visiting each other this beautiful report of mutual respect love right between their hearts and she would do the same right when he would visit her she responded because she learned from the best of examples he modeled it for her and then she would do the same so she would stand and greet him and kiss him and also lead him to his seat I mean it's just so beautiful to imagine a father doing that for his own daughter right with so much love but we can all do that of course for mothers we can do that with our daughters and our sons we should just learn this goes for all across the board and then Abu Huraira reported that um this another Sahabi al-Aqra bin Habib saw the prophesied son kissing al-Hasan right so uh and you know and he said I have 10 children so here the prophesied son was kissing his grandson and this man is like you know I'm such a tough guy right because he that is not his culture or custom or in his family that was not normal to have a grown man like doting and being affectionate to a young child so he's trying to act tough and he says to the prophesied son I'm I have 10 kids and I've never kissed any of them like as if it's a boastful comment right he's boasting to the prophesied son and the prophesied son says he who does not show mercy towards children then no mercy will be shown so either there's a direct correlation if we are not merciful to our children we better watch out because the most merciful does not forget so be very careful about this attitude that a lot of people approach parenting like I have these defined roles and I don't bend because my dad was this way and my mom was this way no raise your children uh differently than how you were raised because they were raised in a different time say Naali gave us that sage advice do not raise your children the way you were raised they're different they're living in different circumstances especially the children of today they need love they're in a very difficult world so they need love now this is a topic that we don't have too much time to cover but it's so important because I speak about this a lot but if you do not know what emotional intelligence is it's really important that you know it because it is basically a modern framework that parallels perfectly with the prophetic example and it's just a simple guide a five-point guide that helps you to understand how to be more prophetic like right so emotional intelligence to me is the same as Sunnah because if you read the five qualities then you'll understand but it's basically the ability to identify and manage one's emotions as well as the emotions of others the process I've had that he was perfect at that and here are the five qualities so when you become emotionally intelligent you are self-aware you know yourself well your temperament your personality type all those things that we should know even these ideas like the love languages right we should know what your you should know what your love language is and you should be able to communicate that if you like gifts you should tell your family I love gifts that's how I feel loved if you like words of affirmation where people are giving you compliments when you prepare a dish for example and you're waiting like where's my feedback tell your family I feel loved when you actually give me feedback over the things I do for you if I clean the house and you guys come out from being out all day and I have the house is spotless and beautiful and the clothes are done and laundry is done I want recognition because I feel loved and appreciated so tell me good job and husbands you know and wives we have to do this to each other we have to know each other's love languages right um motivate uh sorry um the the third quality quality time right spend time with each other if that's your love language that I want to be around you I want you near me even if you're doing your own thing I'm doing my thing I just feel loved when I feel you your presence right tell your family that not just your spouse but your children they should know what your love language is or physical touch some people are very affectionate and if you don't feel like those daily touch-ins you know like a hug here um you know a pat on the back or a kiss on the cheek whatever it is that you feel just some affection and love tell your family that that is your way of receiving love and so that they can learn empathy just so they can learn to give not just give what is comfortable for them but give according to what you need and then the last one is what we talked about gifts words of affirmation quality time physical touch and acts of service this is really important too if you are juggling all the time you're managing the house responsibilities you work outside you have you know elder parents uh elderly parents you're taking care of and it really means a lot to you when something is taken off of your checklist or to-do list because someone else did it for you you're like thank you I don't have to worry about that that's your love language but communicate that to your spouse and your family so that they know how to love you accordingly right that's what self-awareness teaches you is you have to be aware well aware of yourself so that you can teach other people how to you know be around you in a healthy way and then self-regulation is to control yourself the ability to not always give in to every impulse and every urge if you are reactive in all situations you're a very dangerous person because you have no regulation if you're constantly like a button gets pushed and you explode always you're triggered easily your emotions are out of balance you need work on regulating your behavior and that comes from the tesquia process right we're taught where we we address the spiritual diseases of our heart so there are books 25 diseases of the heart outlined for you signs and symptoms this is by she comes a use of excellent book everybody should have it read it look at it be like oh wow I have this disease and that disease and that disease okay what can I do to get rid of it I better work on myself that you know process of working on yourself makes you better as a human being and guess what you'll be better as a spouse you'll be better as a mom you'll be better as a dad as a son as a daughter as a brother as a sister as a friend because you're working on yourself to become better to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala so it has a ripple effect to all of your relationships but that regulation process is essential right and then motivation you have to be motivated to towards higher goals right you cannot just have worldly goals right I was with the uh celebrate mercy last night and she has a fahmi may Allah protect and preserve him gave a beautiful talk on this point that a lot of us are so limited in our goals everybody is with their children even oh what do you want to be when you grow up and you know doctor engineer lawyer and we're like yay we're so accomplished as parents you know our children want to be these wonderful things that's it right he was like that's it you have really you have to work on your dreams if that's your limit if that's your ceiling to want to be a doctor and engineer what about you know greater loftier aspirations that are more pleasing to Allah's plan not to say that there's anything wrong with going in the medical field or the law field it's like we've got to raise the bar for our children to aspire to greater things like all of us should make dua even right now ya Allah make my children hafad of the Quran like why not make that dua ya Allah give my children your book put it in their hearts if they're gonna sit here and listen to lyrics and um and watch all these shows and memorize all these lingos from commercials and and whatever the shows they're watching why are we not you know excited for them to learn his book and putting them on that path we should want them to their sponges right so make dua's that are lofty for the other world not just wealth and material success in this life sure you can want those things but if that's it then you don't have the right lens right so motivation is always looking to something greater outside of this world and then empathy so important again time after time after time you will see examples of the process and teaching us empathy what it looks like right uh very i mean he we know that when uh when he would be leading the prayer and if he heard the wailing or cries of an infant or a child or a toddler what would happen he would not read from the longer surahs he would not stay in sajdah for you know an extra 30 40 seconds because he was empathizing with the child who has a need but also with the mother whose heart is breaking to fulfill the need of her child and wishing the prayer was over soon right so this is the prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam teaching us he many famous stories one once ikrama who's the son of abu jahl wanted to meet with the prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam after the battle of ahud and and when he came he the prophet sallallahu alayhi he commanded all of the i'm sorry battle of badr when he came um the prophet sallallahu alayhi commanded the sahaba to not call ikrama right ibn abu jahl don't call him the son of the father of ignorance because that was his father's name and he did not want to break further ikrama's heart he just lost his dad in battle so he instructed his sahaba don't call him that just call him by his name that's empathy right he told us when there's two of you and a third person don't speak in secret don't talk in a different language it's rude it makes the other person feel left out you are hurting another person unnecessarily so don't do that this is empathy example after example after example when a woman came to him once when he was sitting with his companions imagine this you're with your friends you're just you know you're having your own social interactions in a beautiful setting everything is lovely and then someone comes in disrupting the gathering in a agitated state i need to talk to you i need to talk to you many of us would be like whoa whoa whoa we may even i would have ashamed the person what's what's going on and not really know how to deal with that we may not react properly because it's we feel like it's an intrusion on our gathering right i'm speaking to someone you don't know people react in different ways the prophesied son of subhanallah this woman she had a mental health she was known to have mental health problems so she came in this agitated state saying i need to talk to you about something and he received her so beautifully first he honored her and he listened to her he let her say what she had to say then he said to her pick any street in medina and i will come and i will sit with you and i will listen to whatever grievances you want you pick the street i'll come to you that's our prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam right and he did he went to her and he she was able to pour her heart out and he listened to her so many examples with children with animals even animals as i mentioned many of our cultures are very heartless when it comes to the care of animals we don't you see people out of the kicking cats and dogs and just oh they're disgusting they're dirty all of it is not from the provost license example he did not do that he did not treat the creation of Allah that way subhanallah he hugged the palm the date palm tree trunk when it wept when he changed his mimbar he literally hugged a tree that was wailing and this is mutawat and witnessed by many of the sahaba but he extended empathy to a tree many stories of empathy we can go on and on but he especially with animals the camel the bird many stories we need to inculcate empathy as adults so that we can then teach it to our children and then social skills very important that we understand how to be around different groups of people adults should be comfortable talking to children children should be comfortable talking to adults we need to teach our children to say salam to not cower when an adult asks them how are you and you see a lot of shutdown of conversation children freeze i don't know what to say why is that that's wrong it's a failure on us to not be able to give them the skills to be able to speak to people so expose them to good people to good company it's we can't just have them in you know in these um in these controlled environments all the time with their peers where they never learn how to engage people of different backgrounds of different ages so we have to work on our own social skills to know that if we have our social anxiety or problems with that for ourselves and then teach it to our children and um and so this is the next so that's unemotional intelligence but this is just a quick i like acronyms because they're easy to remember so this is a acronym on prophetic parenting all the things that we just talked about that i hope is easy for you to remember cpr we know what cpr is right it's to resuscitate someone who is losing uh who cannot breathe right or who's losing life so in order to to give them that life force we we give them air through cpr right so cpr compassion we need compassion if we want to be successful and actually give our children the best in line with the provost lesson example we have to be compassionate and this is a really important point most of our struggles as adults are actually in fact egoistic right egoistic is self selfish it's like my needs right whereas children's struggles are egocentric and what does that mean is they just want like they want you to they want attention on on themselves but it's not it's not the same because egoistic it's like it's serving your needs so when you're and and not to say that we obviously we have you know we care for our families and we're thinking of others but sometimes in our daily exchanges i mean you know when things get petty when we're moody when we're having those you know interactions with our children that aren't going well sometimes we can become egoistic where we're it's a nefs whereas children just need attention they just need to be seen and heard but it's not really for any other purpose there's not an ego involved there right they're struggling to find their voice their place their identity in a world that is intimidating and anxiety inducing so we have to be gentle with them right and this is again another hadith you must be gentle verily gentleness is not in anything except that it beautifies it and it is not removed from anything except that it disgraces it and then patience right when you're while your clock may always be ticking remember children don't quite have their own concept of time so sometimes we are rushing our children if you're really looking at a lot of the negative interactions we're rushing them a lot hurry up hurry up hurry up i gotta go hurry up hurry up hurry up and then we get mad at them and explode on them when they don't do something in our time right i told you five minutes ago i told you ten minutes ago if you're talking to a three four five-year-old good luck they don't know the difference between one minute two minutes five minutes ten minutes all it's all relative to them because they're enjoying la la land in their games right but we get mad and we we abuse children because we're with our words and we get upset with them and explode on them because we think that they were disrespectful of our time that we set for them it doesn't work that way we have to understand how their minds work they're especially children under seven that are in that stage of play where they're in an alternate world half the time they're in an imaginary world right because their minds are so creative masha'Allah they're not with us you know so our concept of time and theirs is different and we have to remember again this hadith that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam consideration is from God and haste is from the devil if you're rushing all the time you have failed to time manage so do not project that frustration onto your children and punish them because you are late for something right if you're late for something then you were mismanaging your time and now if your child takes five extra minutes in the bathroom or to put on their shoes it's not fair to make them feel bad or shame them because you're running late no own it you failed but be gentle right and then the rapport become an emotionally intelligent person and you'll know how to build prophetic rapport with your children so that they gravitate towards you instead of being intimidated repelled and distant from you right allah spahnada says oh messenger of Allah is a great mercy of God that you are gentle right we've read that verse before and kind towards them for had you been harsh and hard hearted they would have all broken away from you this is a excellent reminder of us for us of the formula for anybody not just you know in our Dawa but even with our children if we're not gentle and we're harsh they will go from us it's inevitable if you're a harsh parent and you don't have this these qualities prophetic qualities your children will not want to listen to you they will not want to be around you they will basically buy their time until they can leave your house and and what a to me that's just that would be the most tragic thing ever that my children are in the house begrudgingly hating every minute of it and just looking at the escape soon as i turn 18 soon as i go to college and i'll just bite my lip and make it through this like that's our home environments all the below that we've created homes where that's the reality that they just can't wait to break free from the shackles of our parenting but that's a lot of kids i'll tell you i work with you with all the time that is what many of them are thinking they cannot wait to break free so what are we doing to create environments homes where children don't even want to spend time with us right male up forgive us and guide us so on this topic of um the last point of emotional intelligence i just wanted to mention is because it's really important if you have young children especially this is the time i had a sister earlier asking me she has a young girl if she knows of any you know classes and opportunities for her children and you know we explored some concepts and then she said she was you know going to put her into public school and i really cautioned i just have to speak freely here i really caution parents putting their children in public school if you have options i have to just speak for my heart because i work with youth i know what's going on with them and i and we all if we're paying attention to the political environment we're living in the schools are not what they were and they are not what they were intended to be it's not just about education anymore it is about indoctrination and you are seeing a lot of parents actually go away from public schools towards other private schools or homeschooling homeschool models because they are seeing it for themselves they're looking at curriculum being handed to their children their children are asked to attend classes without parental consent and and they're forced into these conversations very young when that are inappropriate that they're not ready for so i really caution parents please if there are options for you to not put your children in public school no matter how high the ratings are how amazing and stellar their programs are what amazing stem programs they have please for the love of god if you want your children's e-man to be preserved don't send them there look for alternative options inshallah but i mentioned to her that in addition she needs to look for like-minded families that have children of similar age so that they can create bonds sacred bonds that can last because we're at a point in history where we have to we have the our community is strong may Allah protect our community we have our masajid we have some semblance of community left other traditions don't have that a lot of empty churches a lot of empty temples a lot of empty synagogues because people aren't going there and you know may Allah not test us with the same fate but we have to also in addition to supporting our massage in our institutions and our teachers we also have to create communities smaller communities of like-minded you know people where we can come together and our and raise our children together so that they have good sohbah around them at all times and they don't seek out friends that have very different views of life than they do but that's what will happen if we don't supplement or or offer them relation you know bonds sacred bonds and we prefer more dunya right chasing the dunya is something that again a lot of people it's one of the diseases of the heart hubba dunya is that we get too impressed and distracted by all of the worldly delights right and all the world is so we want money we want wealth and that's the the the goal so then everything becomes about that what school can i put my kid into that will get them the best test scores that will get them the best colleges that they can make a lot of money and that we can travel we can eat and we can have the best hotels and we can fly business class and we can it's just dunya the most important thing we can do is say what can i do for myself my family my children that their iman is intact because this world is designed to test them they will go through tests and if we don't give them islam and fortify them with the right um protection over their hearts then may Allah we don't know we don't we shouldn't even i mean i don't want to we don't even want to go there but we have to you know realize that that the fate their fate will be will be perilous if that's the case may Allah protect and preserve them so it's our job again to to provide that so what are sacred bonds look like you know the virtues of good company and friendship this is again from the Qur'an and keep yourself patient by being with those who call upon their lord in the morning and evening seeking his countenance so if your friends and the people that you are bringing to your home or you're going to their home don't do this don't call on Allah they don't even pray if you sit through dinner and maghrib enters and nobody gets up to pray that's a problem if your children see that those are the types of people around then when it comes time to pray at home they're going to be like i don't feel like doing it because you've just shown them all of your friends and all the people around that they don't care to pray so it's why can't i not pray either i don't want to fast there's people who don't fast but they're your friends so now your parents your children are seeing that that's normal and that's an option okay i guess i don't need to fast either right so you have to be very careful of the friends that you that you keep in that you bring into your intimate spaces intimate right and make sure that they are those who call upon Allah seeking his countenance and let not your eyes pass beyond them desiring adornments of the worldly life right don't worry about climbing social the social ladder and trying to get into that in group and that group and who i want to be invited to this dowat and that wedding and that it's dunya that shouldn't be your concern if you never get invited to any of the social events that are happening sorry if you're not getting invited to any of those events then especially if you know what's going on there these are social environments we're dancing and free mixing and a lot of and lack of remembrance of Allah is happening you didn't lose anything Allah protected you and you have to see it that way right so don't seek those things out and do not obey one whose heart we have made heedless of our remembrance and who follows his desire and whose affair is in ever a neglect make sure again that we choose the right company and the right people who become our who influence us right in our behavior if they're um heedless if they're in rafla why are we following them the prophet was reportedly asked which of our companions are best and he replied one whose appearance reminds you of god and whose speech increases you acknowledge and whose actions remind you of the hereafter again this is the yardstick that we should measure the company that we keep and also ourselves are we this are we these people are we people who remind other people of god are we people whose speech increases other people in knowledge do we have you know good actions that remind people of the hereafter if we don't the believer is supposed to be a mirror for the believer why are we seeking out you know excellent company but they're not also putting some investment in ourselves so we have to start in ourselves but we should also seek out excellent company and the prophet said a person is on the religion of his companions therefore let every one of you carefully consider the company that you keep and then Ali Adil Lan reminds us mix with the noble people you become one of them and keep away from evil people to protect yourself from their evils again this is so essential because if we want our children to have excellent character to preserve their iman it starts with us and the people that we expose them to and the company that we keep and we have to give primacy more than ever before I would say honestly to making sure our children have good sohbah young make sure they have really good friends at a young age that have good adab that their parents have good character because those parents may end up being your mentor that your children's mentors and I'll tell you I live this reality I know this reality either will come a time when your teenagers and you may have you know maybe butting heads over something but Wallahi it will be the greatest gift from you when you can say I have so-and-so my dear friend who has a bond with my child and I can call that person and say hey having a rough time with so-and-so you know my child my teen boy girl can you please make some time to talk to them it is a gift from Allah to have people in your life that you think that you can turn to but if you don't have anybody in your life that you can turn to for that role of mentorship when it's time please seek those people out now do it it's we don't believe in this you know fatalism or defeated attitude no inshallah put your trust in Allah and ask Allah to give you your children good so-and-so literally make dobb added to one of your Ramadan dobb y'all bring the best company for my children I need them to have really good friends give us good friends good me and my husband or me and my wife give us good friends so that when our children are with their children I don't worry of what's going on in closed doors right because I know their children are good children I know their parents are good I know they have the same philosophy about what to what they teach their children what they give their children but have this intention with the people that you mix with so that inshallah Allah brings you the best of company for yourself and for your children and just some further reminders do not speak much without mentioning Allah the Prophet ﷺ reminds us here for too much speech without mentioning Allah hardens the heart and the hard-hearted are the farthest of all people from Allah it's um it's something that we should be very intentional about and I really want to make this point we when we get invited to social gatherings family friends you know we can't always dictate how that's going to unfold sometimes you want to just go to preserve the bond right I want to I want to call because that sunnah you get invited to somewhere you go you you respond so your intention is I don't want to hurt their heart I don't want to offend them they invited me they thought of me it's beautiful but make part of your niyah with Allah that especially if you have like a religious family secular family family that's not interested in religion at all make your niyah to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and be intentional about it ya Allah make me a means by attending this gathering of opening their hearts you know give me the words prepare in advance what are topics that you can talk about that are not overly religious but maybe there's a beautiful moral lesson value something that you give them that it's like the perfume you know maker right that you've you've sprayed them with the perfume of the beauty of our Dean so that even though they may not have bought the bottle right from you um that that smell resonates with them and they love it and then after you've left they may recall that smell and then maybe because you've left such a good impression on them with your beautiful akhlaq and your intentionality to be in those gatherings for the sake of Allah that maybe you will be the means where they find Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala because it was your beautiful akhlaq every time you entered their space but have the intention that that's why you're going not just because i want to be nice you know what i mean like raise the bar because sometimes we respond to invites like with with with friends and family but we don't take our intention to this level like elevate the intention which is make me a means of guidance for this person i love them they're my family they're my friends they're not religious but i love them but maybe i can be the means you know and do it do that with that intention and then here's the hadith the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says a good friend and a bad friend are like the perfume seller and a blacksmith right the perfume seller might give you some perfume as a gift or you might buy some from him or at least you smell the fragrance as for the blacksmith he might sing your clothes at the very least you will breathe in the fumes we don't ever want to be all the below like the the last the ladder we want to be the former and we also want to surround ourselves with people who are not like the ladder either and then the parable of the believers and their affection mercy and compassion for each other is that of a body when any limb aches the whole body reacts and with sleeplessness and fever and then the rights that we have for each other that we have five rights over another to return the greeting of peace we have to be better at the salam assalamu alaykum get what? wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh always elevate it right you can give the same or but it's better to give a greater greeting and if someone obviously says assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh you don't say wa alaykum salam you match their their salam but be in the practice of that and whether it's verbally or even on text and wa alayhi i mentioned this in a previous talk this week and just yesterday i was sending a text and my son was next to me and he saw me right because it reflects him w s wassalam and i i said this reminder that we have to even expand our our greetings and mommy i said i love you because he reminded me we forget we get into habits i said thank you and i went back and i changed it so little children can be your teachers but we should give the greeting in the best way possible visit when someone is sick follow the funeral procession so even if you don't know that the person who's deceased it doesn't matter if you know there's a funeral and you have time go go to the funeral go to the janaza follow it because when you go Allah may send a lot of unknown people and maybe among them are sprinkled with saints you know maybe there'll be a bunch of saints that come for your time to pray over you so be intentional and then answer the invitation as we mentioned and respond to the sneeze right so someone sneezes and teach your children young alhamdulillah what do we say what do we say learn the learn the dua and teach them to your children and another narration of the procession when he seeks your advice you counsel him right so be also the type that is picks up the phone when people reach out to you for help don't just turn them away because you're too busy with your own problems you're on time that apathy and lack of concern for others will also come back to haunt you at some point when you need help and nobody wants to pick up your phone call everything there's a sunnah of Allah the law of reciprocity how you are with others Allah will show in your own life so if you want to be that person is i don't have time i'm too busy then don't be surprised when nobody comes to your aid Allah will show you these things right do not hate each other do not envy each other do not turn away from each other but rather be servants of Allah's brothers and sisters it is not lawful for a Muslim to boycott his brother for more than three days that's it three days work it out you have an ego problem after three days you really do your ego is in charge but if you got three days to deal with your issues whatever the resentment is whatever the you know hurt is the pain is but after three days for the sake of Allah you have to be willing to have that spine pick up the phone or go to the open the bedroom door if it's between spouses sometimes this happens you know you get upset with each other and then it's a cold war not for three days unfortunately for weeks sometimes for months it's terrible and shaytan is just loving it but you have to challenge yourself to say i have to get over my my ego so i need to go into into that their space and go hey we should talk and just because you do that you initiate conversation doesn't mean you're saying i was you're you know i'm i'm completely in the wrong and you're in the right what you're saying is i'm a grown up right i'm a grown up and i i hold myself accountable to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and our prophecy said we have to work things out after three days so here i am let's work it out that's what a grown up does with a proper understanding who has command of their ego right and then the final thing because i know this is gone on forgive me one more thing never ever forget so all of these advices and all of these reminders of course the the culmination of that should lead us to constant reliance and turning to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala we have got to call on Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala with what as the prophecy says with certainty that he will answer you know that Allah will not answer the supplication of a heart that is negligent and distracted so if we are not really all convinced of Allah's khudrat of his power and we are weak in our yakeen right the prophecy said i fear but my for my umma the weakness of certainty that we don't have certainty in Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala he feared that for us and we are in this age where we we make half hearted doze if you can i would but if you can to Allah could he could do anything you say it with ya Allah you can do all things please yallah make this easy for me yallah please fulfill this need fulfill this need whatever it is but you do it with that certainty that Allah can do anything and you want to be worthy of that so you say make me worthy right forgive me whatever you need to say call him by all of his beautiful names but do it with certainty inshallah right and and be patient because Allah will answer our doze either in this world he may delay it in the next world he may replace it with something better but to think for a moment that your doze will not be answered is is tantamah to kufr because what are you that that's you're you're you're you're not realizing or you're you're limiting Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and who are we to ever limit Allah we can never do that right so don't let your mind go there and if you go there that's a wasp usa from shaytan al-dhubadam of shaytan is you i don't ever presume to know what Allah will do i just put my need out there and the rest i submit and i surrender right so alhamdulillah that is the next week inshallah we will do balanced parenting and there's another one as well i forgot the title of that but you can see it in the in a flyer and we will close next week inshallah but i'm happy to stay on for any um questions for a few more minutes i know we went over any questions or comments yeah i know it's an excellent excellent question jazaki lachaden so um the sister asked about a situation where you know some of us want to come and you know to the to the sacred spaces to to do our own worship and we may even bring our children just to be participating in these beautiful events and nights of especially of this month but we may find that other families because they also have the same intention though they they're here they may not be managing their children with correctly and in that they give their children devices where it's unsupervised and maybe exposing not only themselves but also other neighboring children to content or just in general to the device um you know without permission or without the uh you know the the desire of the parents who are praying so that's absolutely happened it it happens all the time and i'm sure we're all witness to that so i do think this goes back to personal responsibility and all the things we talked about as parents we have to raise the bar and really be mindful of um of our spaces you know how you conduct your business at home is between you and Allah but your behavior that impacts other people is is more you you're held more accountable right so if you're going to do something and it harms or potentially exposes other people to harm that's going to be greater um against you it's going to be greater than whatever you're doing that it's just between you and you know i mean it's just you're only uh harming yourself so we have to really take that to heart and that's part of you know becoming more emotionally intelligent when i talked about those social skills and empathy and all those things if you're not thinking of other people in general because you're so self-centered then that doesn't occur to you that wait a second my giving over my childhood device because i can benefit from their distraction may in fact distract other people right then that's not the right right you know um protocol what what what else can i do so this is where i think i mean a couple of things obviously uh we want our children to come to the massage we want our children to be here but this is where the parents have to coordinate you know there might be a time where and i saw this actually happening here even uh just earlier but there might be a time where you have to hand off so if you're wanting to do some extra prayers you know and your husband is free or your wife is free they have to maintain the children while you're doing your prayers and you're responsible you have a guardian basically taking care of that responsibility that could be one thing to bring them but the parents are handing off and tag-teaming and taking that responsibility and allowing for each other to benefit from their worship and the space right another thing is that you can find a if you if you really if it's difficult for you then find someone to watch the children sometimes people have um you know other friends or family in the you know in the message too that they may ask can you please watch them while i do some extra but i can't or whatever it is but look for helpers because there are sometimes people who have no problem they would love to sit and play with the children and this is also a good way to encourage community and so if your children are comfortable with that person ask them could you watch them for just a few minutes but to just immediately default to the device i think is really the issue here right because this becomes a nuisance in even the rest of the congregants not wanting to hear the sound of you know uh shark whatever that song is um baby shark shark now i don't want to hear a baby shark when i'm doing you know uh my my external effort right or reading Quran but if you for you that works at home then you have to have a plan b for the for public spaces plan b is more considerate of other people right and so think uh not so much about your own needs but also how you can have a system that's mutually beneficial for everybody also for the child because it goes back to make sure the child is safe feels good is happy in the care of whoever you leave them and not just you're not just neglecting them of course that would be terrible um so those are all some suggestions the other thing is as a collective as a community we can certainly um organize with the um must-get and ask if there is a way to hire or to you know bring in some services during prayer time so that we have actually qualified well-trained supervisors with children who know how to engage children who can maybe manage uh you know the child programming part so that parents can come out here and enjoy all of the other talks and benefits of the of the you know message without the fear of oh no it's my kid being exposed to something or learning something that's not beneficial so there are a lot of things we can do in the space outside of that obviously the answer would be to leave them with other caretakers that you trust and then allow for the congregants to come together in peace but i i'm personally i would love to see more children we just have to do better about managing them so it's an excellent question she's like welcome thanks any other questions i want to come thank you for coming yes right sure sorry uh we're just gonna wait for the microphone to turn on and then do you have any advice for parents um for small but impactful habits that they could pick up to help them you know get closer to Allah swt and the Quran and to prophesy salam when they are managing smaller children who require perhaps a little bit more time a little bit less sleep things like that so just small but impactful things that are easy to be consistent with sure mashallah just like a look at it for the question so i can only speak from what has worked for me and what i've seen other teachers or other people that i i i believe have also found you know things that work for them and i think you know as as we know we're all creatures of habit and children are certainly creatures of habit so at a young age i think if we really increase um their connection with the book of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala their connection with nasheed with vikr right so that when they're very young they understand that there's a routine to your day right we have the five daily prayers that are kind of interspersed throughout the day and sometimes we do it at one time another time we may do it another time right it's not as routine based right but there are certain routines that can be fixed every day at a certain time so one of the things i speak about often which our teachers really encourage us to do is as a family to have that have a practice of a litany right a word and so in the morning for example in my household alhamdulillah and this has been for decade maybe over a decade now we've done this and it works is we have a bluetooth speaker so it reaches the house everybody can hear it and the boys know i have two sons that in the morning when they wake up they go and they play the word which is you know on a youtube link and it reaches the whole house and then you know so that's the morning routine we start the day off and the remembrance of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala after that we also listen to there's different asheeds you can listen to the al-khairat the the burda you know whatever you're comfortable with there there are many other du'as that you can listen to as well but we do usually the al-khairat and then we also listen to Quran and that's kind of our just day like in terms of what's going on everybody could because i homeschool so my kids are doing their homeschooling work or i'm cooking but there's always something playing that is connecting them to the book of Allah and alhamdulillah as someone who used to teach children Quran um you know previously i know from working with children that they love to play even if they're playing with Legos or their blocks or drawing or coloring or painting and also be listening to something right because they have that natural affinity to rhythm and rhyme and music musical most children love dance and song and play so when you find them reciders that they really like and i would create playlists for them there are now much shall i mentioned this last week but there's a an app called kharia q a r i a h that's an all female they're all they're all female reciders so if you have young girls i would definitely encourage them to find maybe some connection there i mean certainly any of the great reciders but just give them a curated list that's special to them and that it's their playlist right so that they can go and listen to certain surahs or nasheeds even because if those are even more musical right and that becomes a routine for them and something that they always know is is there and for you it actually helps because um you know you'll see your children kind of almost in like a trance like state when they're doing their games because children love they're in the imaginary play right so part of the the challenge for a lot of parents is they want our attention a lot right so it's like you're trying to cook and they're like mommy mommy mommy come play but come do this with me and then we're divided and torn but i think if there are times pockets of time where you can keep them engaged in their activity but also feel almost as if there is a presence with them right through the nasheeds or through the angelic you know realm because there's angels of course that come then i think you'll find those are good breaks for you like oh they're they're enjoying their little nasheed song and dance while coloring or doing whatever and you can then take care of other things for you as a practice the word is certainly important but also finding the kid that you can do throughout the day even while you're doing daily tasks right so for some people salawat is something they love to do their people of i know people who do thousand or more salawat the day that's just their practice which is the greatest of the car or la ilaha la la whatever thicket that you feel is speaking to you maybe calling on allah's specific names you know that speak to what you're going through but finding those ways to channel your your mind back to him right is really helpful but having a habit of that right and inshallah you know those are the things that come to mind now that i think if you start with inshallah you'll feel that baraka you know in the household and i would also say as a you know aside to that is limiting the the the amount of you know entertainment that they're watching i know it's very normal for because you know but i really think stipulating some some clear limitations about like television especially is really important they're too drawn to that it's very what i said about the imaginary world you're you're teleporting them into someone else's imaginary world when they have all the imagination in their mind and if you do that too much then then what they do is they don't want to come back into their world now they all only want that world and so i feel like although it's a crutch for some of us if we create a dependency on that for our kids and we're stifling their own imagination and creativity and that's that's really sad if you think about right so imposing restrictions i would say i mean my my kids knew 30 minutes to an hour a day in most days it never really happened but that was always the limit of cartoons and devices games like we have ipads they are only allowed on friday because our teachers taught us like yomal jomal is a day of eid and celebration so you should always have exciting things to do for your kids right so if you're going to teach them anything from the seerah or quran have their favorite treats with them if they like cookies cupcake ice cream just make it it's okay one day of the week to break some of these dietary restrictions for fun so that your children have this positive association with Allah and with deen right the jomal is a very special day is really important and so in addition to doing that i also added games i said you can have your games but as they grew older because now i have preteen and teen they have to do chores on friday so friday is their day of chores and then rewards so this is now the next level of parenting you know where you you want to teach them inshallah to work and strive and and really um you know have have a have some responsibility inshallah so yeah inshallah that'll help but yeah i think that's a lot of thinking and i know we're a way over so i think inshallah we will end here uh jazakum lakhid and thank you everyone um if there are any other questions we can wait till next week but i'll go ahead and end in dua Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim thank you so much everyone for being here inshallah we will see you next week for the final week inshallah of this course the third and final installment of quranic parenting alhamdulillah thank you for all of those who've been tuning in the videos are available on the mcc website if you wanted to go back and watch the first two sessions but this will be the final session so i'm going to now zip through some slides because i need to get to section three today um and last week i did a summary but it took a little bit of time so i'm just going to ask all of you to go back and watch those to to get uh session two but session three is on balanced parenting so with that said let's go ahead and begin um here's a beautiful quote from imam al-qazali to get what you love you must first be patient with what you hate so there are a lot of things that we we need these reminders as we um continue to parent or if we embark on the journey of parenting that it is a constant balancing act between a lot of emotions um and and it's if you have this perspective then inshallah you will manage you'll manage it won't be easy but you'll manage so balanced parenting is really again knowing how to navigate the demands of the dunya which we are all sometimes drowning in um with the goals and objectives of the ahra for yourself as well as your children uh because although we live here this is not where we reside or wish to reside right we're here temporarily so just like when you vacation you go and you rent a space it's only temporary right your final or actual home is somewhere else so that's how the believer looks at dunya that this is just we're passing through but we still have to live so therefore you have to be able to meet those demands as well as keeping your eye on the final destination which is the life after this world and that is for you as well as your children so always keeping both of these in balance right what do i need to do to survive in this world but what do i need to do to have salvation in the next world right survive and salvation so you want to think of those two um and so i i mentioned this last time i like acronyms because they work they're easy to remember i make them up there it's nothing special but here's an acronym that i hope is helpful for you uh balanced parenting is parenting with p m c i know it's not as catchy but um let's work with this so the first one is prioritizing right this is knowing your responsibilities first and then the rights sometimes we enter either the domain of marriage or parenting always with all of our rights in check like we know what we're gonna get what we expect what to do to us but then when you follow up with do you know what is expected of you we don't really always know those things right so you have to know the rights uh the responsibilities of the uh you know the role that you're going to take on first and then after you've really you know make sure you have that down then you move on to your rights right so you should know what are the rights of children over the parent not the opposite right what what is the child's right over me what will i be called uh into account for what is Allah expecting of me because as we mentioned parenting is an amen it's a trust from Allah so right there the the role or the responsibility is on us to fulfill the rights of children right but if we don't even know those clearly that's a problem so we have to know what the rights of children are over us next or then we we can learn what are the rights of the parent over the child right now that i know my responsibility as a parent what am i owed as a parent and what should i be guiding my children too so that i am raising responsible children who understand that life is always about this balance right of roles responsibilities rights and so that they understand also what's expected of them and over time as they grow that they really again have a clear understanding and then the next thing is really important because this is probably in my estimation one of the biggest contributing factors to why households are falling apart is because we have not yet defined are we going to model our marriages and families according to our cultures or islam because if it's your culture you're going to likely have a lot of problems especially when you look at blended families and you have a husband and a wife who come from two different cultures now who gets to call the shots right because if my culture if i think my culture is the best and my husband thinks his culture is the best then what we're going to be squabbling over every little thing you know my this is you know the custom in my family yours isn't as good and it's just this constant competition that's really terrible to start off of a marriage like that let alone a family but so many people do that and even within the same cultures you'll have this so it's not even a you know mixed family you'll have well my you know tribe of this culture does it this way or my family did it this it's all ignorance and it's why we have so many problems so we have to go back to making that definitive decision which is our family is going to be run according to islam the model that's set before us by the prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam and what he taught us and all of the teachings of our faith that have come after that is what we are going to run our family according to not culture because culture changes it you know it's it's fluid islam is fixed and it's perfect then you want to go into the next part here which is modeling again if you want a balanced household you have to understand the children learn especially when they're younger they learn mostly from modeling they're watching you they're learning and they're imitating and if you are not going to put forth virtuous acts and be a good person and all of that meaning then to expect that your child has the best adab and manners and is just a model child is is is quite frankly insane because where would they learn that if you're not doing that yourself so you have to be working on your own self and really correcting your own character so that your children can learn from you but if you're oblivious to yourself and you're just you know dictating to your children thinking that they're gonna learn under your command it doesn't work that way so they need proper guidance they need to you know make sure that again that you you have that understanding that they learn from by imitating listening and observing so model good behavior excellent behavior and then the last part of this is customizing right so this idea of a one size fits all model of parenting is also uh it doesn't work there are there are philosophies of parenting but each of us have to really think about what works for our family and so if you have multiple children in your in your family you have to take the time as a parent to know them to know their temperament their personalities what's different about one in one house you will find multiple different personality types you'll find the aggressive kind of intense personality type you know strong willed you'll have the more sensitive you'll have the extroverted that is very social and you know out and about it makes friends easily and then you'll have others that are more introverted if you don't realize this about your children and you kind of just give all your kids the same rules and and and expect them all to fall in line like little you know soldiers in an army it just doesn't work that way you have to be paying attention to the nuances in your children's personalities and realize that even in the same household even in the same womb right twins triplets quadruplets all of them their womb mates right as they call them you will find children who share the same womb completely different temperaments that's a law that's just a proof of a law right there they have the same DNA but completely different personalities and temperaments so you have to take the time to know them and also you have to know about what each child what the dangers are for each child like if you have a child that's easily influenced it's they're they're very you know people pleasing you have to know that they are going to have a very different set of dangers than the one that is super strong willed and you know has a very like kind of take charge attitude they have a different set of circumstances they're working with right are they going to have you know each of them will have challenges because of those you know what they're presenting so the dangers as when they're young look like that but as they grow older right think of a highly influential child that enters adolescence what happens to that child when when you know uh they make a friend with someone in school that's telling them hey let's go do this and let's go do that if you're not aware of your child's temperament to give them the the strength to be able to resist giving in to people pleasing and just kind of going along with the the crowd then they will fall and that's what's happening everywhere you're finding a just a crisis with our youth because all of these children who have not been fortified with what they need specifically are being then set out into you know amongst the wolves and we expect them to be fine it doesn't work that way we we are our responsibilities to protect them part of protection isn't just keeping them safe from you know a shelter and and and all of that it's also seeing the the present dangers and giving them the tools necessary this is what tarbiyah is the tools necessary for them to navigate the world but it requires present parenting it requires that you're paying attention and you actually care to know the differences in your child's personality and that's where temperament theory is very useful i think i may have mentioned it before but temperaments we have in our faith this is called mezaj it is to study the the different temperament so i mentioned extroverted introverted you also will understand the difference between a reactive child and a non-reactive so for example if you have a child that gets very easily agitated and blows up emotionally they just they can't contain their emotions i mean that's typical of young children but even if you have adolescents or young teenagers who are very instantly you know just it's like a switch comes on that child needs to learn how to regulate that emotion right because they can harm them and they can harm other people that's why you see a lot of harm happening in the world because of people who've never learned to regulate that emotional response to whatever the circumstance is right but then you have the opposite of a child who is non-reactive and so there there are a lot of you know kids for example who get bullied easily it's not that they are weak we make that mistake and assume that some children have a slower emotional process to heightened situations so when a classmate comes and grabs their you know thing you know whether it's a young child or or with an older kid if something happens to them that kind of comes left field they're not prepared for it they have that freeze you know that they kind of freeze in the moment now if you don't teach your child that that's natural right then what happens is someone else tells them how to label themselves or think of themselves you're weak so then they carry that label forever that oh i'm this weak person because i can't respond or react in the moment that is horrible to do that to a young child whereas if you teach them before which is what we're supposed to do that listen Allah made all of us very different some people are reactive some people are not and the beautiful examples that we can draw from which is where present parenting is is really shown is look at the khulefa ar-rashidun they are each of them they represent one of the four temperaments and they were all very powerful leaders but they were not the same you have abu bakr who was very quiet subdued but incredibly strong he was the right hand of the prophesy i said i'm always there by his side dutiful stable but he was not a person of many words right and then you have al-maq radil al-han he was intimidating people were terrified of him right and that's why when he embraced Islam he brought so much strength to the umma because he was just this mountain of a man and he maintained that throughout his life and then you have uh othman who was gentle so gentle that the angels were shy of him he was he was known to have incredible modesty even the angels were shy of othman radil al-han and then you have said na'ali who is cheerful and so warm and welcoming all of them again according to our scholars representing one of the four temperaments you have in uh i said abu bakr you have the melancholic which is again not very verbose not very talkative but stoic strong non-reactive stable force choleric is the next temperament that's in al-maq forceful very outspoken right formidable then you have othman radil al-han said othman who is the phlegmatic temperament gentle very um loving modest kind of just calming presence excuse me and then you have said na'ali who was the sanguine cheerful sociable always you know just warm and welcoming these are beautiful models that we can teach our children so that they see that all of their temperaments are beautiful and not one is not better than the other so i remember once i did a talk many years ago uh at an event and this mother came to me afterwards i was talking about temperaments and she came to me afterwards she was crying she was crying because she said i wish i knew this when my children were younger she said as you're explaining this i realized that i punished my quiet son always his whole life because i compared him to his older brother who was the more outgoing athletic super talkative social one she said i didn't realize i just thought he was deficient right because that's what the society tells you they that we we create these you know black and white archetypes where it's like if you're not this way there's something wrong with you and our children are susceptible to those messages because in their world what what children are exposed to by celebrities and by all the other stuff that's in on the online world is saying the same thing that if you're famous you're cool right you're relevant if you have a lot of followers or in school if you are what popular right if you're popular that means you have a lot of friends which means you're super funny you're outgoing you're charming right and so a child is told to look at themselves constantly in contrast to that and if they don't fit that they feel that they are what i'm a loser this is the self talk of our children our youth are literally bombarded with this message in their inner voice i have no friends i'm a loser i'm quiet i don't speak up in class i'm a loser i'm this i don't i don't you know sign up for this sport or do this i'm a loser this is the negative self talk because nobody is telling them that no you're not a loser you're actually one of the beautiful temperaments that Allah gave us and this is actually you know and then you can go on and expand and say that the prophesies had all four of these temperaments in perfect balance and so you're representing one of his temperaments right and this is how we empower our children to not fall into the narratives that they're being taught in the in this general society a parent who's not aware of these things will not know to do that they won't even talk to their children and sometimes we are the ones actually who are giving them those messages right what's wrong with you when i was young i never did that what's wrong with you what's wrong with you what's wrong with you if that's what your children are hearing why would you expect them to have any sense of confidence in themselves because you're making a comparison to either yourself or other children your cousins how many kids and i hear from youth by the way so i'm not speaking in just general terms i'm telling you of some of the pain that youth have come to me with about what their parents tell them you know they're comparing them to cousins or other friends always and making them feel that they're deficient and it's because we have failed to recognize that our children are all beautiful every single child is beautiful they are light they are in fitra they are sinless right and that's why we love to see children you know uh shahamsa mentioned this recently but he said you know when you look at the face of children right it just it lights you up you don't feel that with adults you know we don't get like oh what you know i mean some adults mashallah when there are when there are people of god but generally speaking because he was saying we've amassed so much sin right that is reflecting in our face whereas children are pure and sinless they even smell pure you know he was saying this too like an adult you don't bathe for a few days it's not it's not a pleasant sight or smell but children you don't really see anything right subhanAllah because they're sinless so they are light and if you don't appreciate that about them and you just kind of you know their nuisances shooing them away or you know we just we need to bring back restore that that sense of respect towards children inshallah but this is balanced parenting so that prioritization modeling and customizing and it's also now a reminder about that we've mentioned this but another reminder parenting is a trust from god right allah spada actually tells us now specifically fear Allah and treat your children small or grown fairly with equal justice we all need this reminder because we're very um we call all young children and we're tenting we're tending to them we we rush to them as soon as they have something going on because we're so afraid they're fragile to us right but as our kids get a little older we start to you know wane in that in that attentiveness towards them and we almost kind of just figure it out right do it on your own i mean that's not to say there's you know anything wrong with trying to create that sense of independence and autonomy in children but it's more about the heart and if you are no longer you know treating your grown-up children with that same sense of fairness and and mercy and compassion and justice that you were when they were younger this is the message that you need to be reminded of because their age doesn't matter you cannot be harsher just because your child is now bigger and and seems like they're an adult which yes when when they're technically speaking when they've reached puberty they are considered adults in islam but that doesn't mean that you begin to speak to them in a in a way that you've diminished that that sense of justice and fairness right because you see sometimes parents losing a lot more patience with older children than they ever would with younger children and it's because you know you should know better that's the attitude and a lot of it does come back to that comparison i could never speak to my parents this way i would never leave my bedroom this way i would never do this and the harshness comes through but your treatment of the child should still be fair and just be on the side of truth don't let your ego always run the show basically whether they're young or small and then we mentioned that children's rights are mandated by god so we have to know what they are and there are hadiths that that describe in essence what the rights of children are but among them are that they have a beautiful name that you name your children with beautiful names and not names that are you know in any way disparaging sometimes for you know people people will come up and i'm sure you've seen it now there's a lot of attention seeking behavior even through children right so it's like i want a weird name that has some abstract meaning i've seen people like even symbols and letters and like there's no real meaning to that name but it's it makes the parent feel good you know like i got a i got a cool eclectic strange name i'm the mother or father of so-and-so but if that name has no meaning or it has a bad meaning this would be you know wrong on the parent because the child should be you know deserving of something of honor right so name your children with excellent names another right is that we educate them and give them sound education now the word education is complicated because immediately we think of schooling right but we're not talking about schooling here necessarily we're talking about tarbiyah that your children need to know Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala they need to know the prophecy i said them they need to know the book of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala they need to know their akhida they need to have a grounding in the deen and that takes precedence over all the other stuff that we're worried about and i know because i was there too with my young children the first thing you think about is oh my god can they read i need to get them to read so we are all thinking of abc's in the womb the first book is like okay abc's like that infant is like just born yesterday we don't need to read to that child yet but there is this fear right that we're not gonna we're gonna mentally you know handicap them if we don't do these things early but then the spiritual handicap nobody thinks about what about their spiritual well-being what if they don't know anything or they don't have the right understanding and then you put them into environments where they're going to get the wrong understanding how are they going to navigate that so if you're going to not give your children that foundational knowledge but then put them in an environment where they are taught by other people who literally do not believe in god and who may in fact you know in one way or another get that message across to your children then how can they protect the how can they be protected so it's our task to lay the very very strong foundation and when it comes to the the six articles of faith for example you know we know right god his messengers his books his prophets the angels the day of judgment heaven and hell qadr right these are the six articles i would caution with young children introducing the heavy topics we don't need to talk about fire and burnstone and hellfire we don't need to talk about shaytan with young children they don't need to know that iblis exists don't scare them and frighten them like oh it's dark at night you know don't do this or you know people sometimes it's very cultural to do that but it's it's traumatizing to young children when you introduce those ideas because they're in the world of imagination and play in their fitrah and inshallah they're with allah always in this this beautiful state and then you bring them out of that as we say the garden of eden and you cast them into hell with these images terrifying images no don't do it if you need to control your parents your children threatening them with that kind of message is not the way to go you have to do better and the better thing to do is to actually teach them about allah and love of allah and jannah and angels of light and the stories the incredible stories from the seer of the provisionalism which we should know because one of the things that i find devastating in the modern world is that our children would rather sit in front of a screen which is just you know puts them in a complete spell and and you know extended exposure as we know absolutely affects their brain but they would rather do that because they've entered this fantastic world of lights and images all based on farce it's all lies right it's all imagined it's just it's fantasy it's not real but then we haven't done our job to convey to them the truth of a story like the revelation right like it's not one mirage when when the provisionalism was first you know seeing angel jibreel if we don't have the words because we haven't learned those stories well enough to convey these powerful real truthful stories to our children but then we're quick to turn on disney plus and and and netflix and let them enter that world of where shaytan i mean literally there if you haven't done the research look go and look at the many people who've shown the hidden symbolism in a lot of the messages in disney films there are subliminal messages this is not you know conspiracy theory it's real they do not really care they like to you know put put certain things out there because that's the way they normalize things right so anyway that's a different conversation but think about this as a parent that you need to know these stories well so that they can come to a masjid inshallah or come you know to a space where they will feel so invigorated by hearing a story about you know when angel jibreel came to to ghar hira and he saw the process and he said squeeze like all of that imagery that you're bringing because you've done the work to say i'm gonna show you what a real incredible story looks like you know if you're and and not keep turning you away to video games and films i'm gonna bring that to you that all of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala i'm gonna show you that and i'm gonna sustain that with continued exposure to the seerah and the Qur'an because there are miracles upon miracles upon miracles that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has left for us that are treasure it's a treasure trove of stories but we don't know it so then we don't know how to convey it and we cannot expect the masjid or a teacher to always do it it's on us as parents to learn if you can read you have to know how to do these things so an education is really that it's that knowledge of God that's the ultimate and the highest form of knowledge so this is just a reminder for all of us you know to lead we mentioned about modeling before but we have to lead by example and we have to know the difference between commanding the respect and demanding when we begin to raise our voice to our children which we all are guilty of at times and sometimes it's because they're far that's not what i'm talking about because if you're just trying to reach them that's fine but if it's they're right in front of you and you're angry because maybe you want something done or something happened that shouldn't have happened a perfect example you know your child goes to to to get some milk and then the entire jug collapses on the floor right you have to if that's ever happened to you before or a glass breaks or something just you know disturbs you because it was it was a unexpected event pay attention to your reaction in that moment right some parents i've seen it actually it's quite tragic and very upsetting to see a young child be reprimanded harshly because their small hands can't hold like sorry let me all love forgive us because we we let the world overwhelm us then we don't realize these precious hearts don't deserve a scolding because their hands couldn't hold something properly so we have to move away from this idea that that if i raise my voice i get what i want that is a failure of parenting you don't need to raise your voice you just need to speak with a respect and you can be firm you can say please don't do that but to yell to threaten or to scold harshly and humiliate a child just because they were children is a failure on us and may Allah forgive us for breaking pure hearts of children may Allah never let us do that to children so this point about you know tailoring our parenting is really important as i mentioned but here we have some sage advice from said Ali radi allah and he reminds us beautifully that we have to do better in terms of tailoring our parenting because first of all do not raise your children the way your parents raised you because they were born of a different time so whatever you experienced as a child of your parents is not enough as you know to replicate you can borrow from certain things that worked for you or that were pleasant good memories good rules that your parents showed and it worked for you and your sibling sure but if that's all that's informing your parenting and you're not reading books you're not learning about children's temperaments developmental stages you know that that in the next uh i mean look at the insight look at the insight that they gave us 1400 plus years ago about the developmental stages of children that they're only now learning about right if you can if you know eric erickson psychosocial development you know of eight stages it's all it's subhanallah reflecting the exact you know information that we had centuries ago play with your children till the age of seven why because this is look at them they're so sweet this is the age of play they're learning this world is new they've been thrust into the universe and everything is sensory so they're just learning they need to touch they need to put things in their mouth and sometimes we don't want them to but that's how they know things right so let them play but you know what play with them enter their world you see some fathers who come home from work they don't want to play with their children i'm tired and they'll go straight to their video games computers start working more even though you just came from work let's just work they don't want to get on the ground and sit and let's wrestle let's play you want to play legos you want to play play dough mom maybe if you're stay at home you have to do you have no choice you will go crazy right if you do not do that sometimes you're doing two things at the same time you're cooking you're flipping you know but i doesn't then also playing with the child or cooking rice and you're just doing all the stuff but you have no choice because children demand our attention so it goes to both but the point is is we have to play with our children enter their world go into their playrooms and i'm telling you probably some of the sweetest parenting moments i've ever had in my life was when i did that when i took a pause for my adult mind and brain and said you know what i just want to be a kid today let me go into my kids room and literally and well sometimes i would get emotional because the the shock of my kids seeing me enter without invitation they didn't invite me they didn't say mommy come play with us i would open the door and i'd just go sit on the floor and they were like frozen looking at me like what are you doing here because i was in a time i wasn't as often as i would have liked it to be but they were very pleasantly surprised when i said just here to play with you can i play with you you you want to play with us of course and then of course mommy so here's this guy i have two boys so it's lego land basically in my house still is but the joy that would overcome them at seeing me wanting to enter their world we have to do that as parents right so play with your children be silly be goofy if you come ask my kids they'll tell you a whole other side of hosai that you guys wouldn't even know or think it exists but yes i am very goofy i'm very i do voices i will get into character i do it all there's nothing really because i want them to have fun and we can we can do that masha'Allah my my sister-in-law is here so i'll just mention this about her she's masha'Allah wonderful with children may Allah bless her but in addition to her her husband i always say who's my brother-in-law i say he's like a walking amusement park for kids because masha'Allah his ability to connect with children especially i've seen him mostly with boys but he is just so fun am i kids to this day even though i have a 13 year old who's almost you know six feet they still get excited when humza kakas coming because they know it's going to be a lot of fun you know and he's like that with his own children so of course he's going to be like that with children in general um and so har masha'Allah amazing ability to connect tell stories read do the same voices play you know this is the kind of parenting philosophies that really work with young children so do that more and get over your um your cultural you know added sometimes it's just culture that tells us oh that's kind of silly or but no just if the prophesies said him could do it who are we he played with children he let them crawl on his back he would race he would do things so who are we what we're too cool we're too adult we're too mature it's all ego be like him and you'll succeed discipline and teach them from the age of seven to 14 this is the next level so when they reach that age of seven you're going to see an awakening that happens because they are starting to think about themselves in the world around them and they do you do start to see a little bit more maturity so this is where giving them more tasks giving them responsibilities teaching them about their farah it right like what the will do and then prayer starting that process and over time solidifying that identity that i'm a muslim too that i pray just like mama and baba that i make will do that i read quran all of that comes in that age of seven to 14 right and then befriend them at the age of 14 plus so now as we're you know we're teaching in the middle and guiding and then the befriending comes when they really need it you know our teens are going through a lot they have a lot of social and pressures that that overwhelm them and they need to know that their parents are a refuge right so if we are meeting them constantly with a litany of tasks that they have to do and responsibilities and we don't really make time to connect and just say hey how are you how's it going talk to me and just you know hold them you know sometimes you'd be surprised and i really want to say this for parents of boys because i have boys but one of the destructive things about modern society is that it has created you know this uh i mean it's just something that happened with boys around this age of adolescents where emotionally they start to really shut down and they don't talk about what they're feeling because they are told or conditioned that in society they're conditioned by society to think that emotions are for girls right so boys just have to act tough and and bury all of it bury their insecurities bury their fears bury their anxieties because if you talk about it you're not you're not strong you're weak right you're like a girl that's really the the insult that that boys receive to be anything like a girls and insult all of that it's horrible but um again when you look at the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam and the way that he nurtured this emotionality and even the youth you know there's that famous story of um Umair who lost his bird and the Prophet sallallahu alaihi sallam you know he was holding his bird and the Prophet sallallahu alaihi sallam went to him and he basically helped him reconcile and grieve over the loss of his pet like you have permission to be sorry you know you have i mean feel sorrow and sadness he didn't tell him toughen up what's wrong with you it's just a bird go bury it you know like some of our cultures do around these things it's like because you're a boy you can't cry a girl sure oh poor girl it's horrible to do that let our boys be human beings they're not robots so allowing them to be expressive towards you and inviting that is so essential as a parent inviting them to talk to you so with my boys we you know i do and i have to do it again because i kind of had a hiatus but i would do these what we called mommy and son like dates where we would go separately so i would not take the family i wouldn't take them as a unit i would take them each separately and give them a total separate fun experience all for themselves so that they get undivided mommy or baba attention and my husband did the same it was both of us having to do it with each kid and they loved it because it was like i feel special i feel seen and you you'll love it too because you realize like i'm always speaking to more than one of you you know and it's nice to just see one of you and not worry about what the other one's doing right now so to separate the kids is is good good to do but that is essential at the age of the later teen years so now i kind of just go into similar i mean it's similar discussion is what i just said but we kind of want to know what young children need most they need love safety and guidance all of our kids these are their primary needs right now when they're young right and the tools that we can do to inculcate the love of the promise life sentiment in our children is storytelling with animation so we have to be more animated in our storytelling we have to know those stories song in rhymes you know i am this is a shameless plug but why not i wrote a book called clear the path um a rhyme book for unmanners for little muslims and the reason i wrote that book is because i worked with young children i realized like wow i could teach them all day about a law and the prophet and just lecture them but it's not going to stick but if i sing to them anything they'll remember so i said okay we all want our children to have good manners why not give them a book on manners that rhymes and it works because they just wanted to sing the lyrics all day but what were they singing about being a good muslim so you know rhymes work and you can um make up your own songs you don't have to cut and paste everything from a professional just make silly songs up they don't care they're the most receptive amazing audience you can have as a young child you can be tone deaf have no rhyme skills whatsoever have no musicality but your young kids will go yay because they just like to see you as not you know this adult and you're being willing to be silly so do that stuff and then model you know that's what they need modeling and then the second group or second developmental stages at eight to 11 what do they need love of course respect and reassurance this world becomes very scary at this age because they're coming out of as we say like the Garden of Eden and they're now because in Jannah everything is great it's rosy it's amazing right but when you start to see and hear about things like young you know middle schoolers this is where they hear stories from their parents their friends about kidnapping and murders and you know like really dark themes and so poor kids start to suddenly you know they get scared of the world so they need a lot of reassurance and a lot of love and hugs and it's okay so get them in the habit of calling on Allah if you're scared if you're upset about something just call on Allah Allah's with you always he'll always be there for you he'll rescue you and I can't tell you how many times I have that like my son will come out of nowhere and he'll go mommy mommy you know he said I had a headache and I was feeling so bad and I made dua and I asked Allah please get rid of my headache and it's gone now I'm like of course because your thoughts must the job but they know to do that because we taught them you you're in pain make dua we'll take it away so we have to teach that at this age so that they get in those good habits right and so what tools can we teach them with storytelling of course always works with kids at all ages but now we want to move into those metaphors and analogies too that's another really good tool to use because there are you know a lot of stories in the Quran are metaphorical right and lessons in the Quran and so you know that's that's the those are the types of stories that work and also because they're in that age of seeing the the you know the the sort of dystopian nature of the world the good versus evil right that's kind of what they begin to understand the world as it's really good to expose them to like stories where of nobility of valor of like overcoming odds so the battle stories of the sida for example right like but but there's an amazing story to tell children at this age because the numbers are so like incredible at how they beat right the the murshid-e-keen despite their low numbers but because they had you know the the the Prophet's wisdom obviously but Allah swt sent helpers to them all of that imagery needs to come through so showing stories of overcoming hardships really speaks to this age because they're going through a lot of that internally and then of course modeling the excellent behavior that we want with them and the final stage you know what do they need the most love respected empathy we need to empathize with our teens because they are going through a lot that we don't understand and instead of judging them and expecting always the best gold standard of behavior at all times always we have to also figure out what's wrong why aren't they for example sluggish to come to prayer right because a lot of i get these questions all the time my teen doesn't want to pray anymore they don't want to come to the masjid i'm frustrated what do i do with them yes i can understand to be frustrated by that because you want the best for your children so you feel like they're standing in the way of that but i would say find out why what's going on maybe there's something that's happening maybe there's a classmate of theirs from school you never know muslims go to the school together that they don't like to come see at the masjid because they have a history that you don't know about you got to fish for what the core issue is do the investigation ask the right questions get to the core is there something you know a very good example like my my teen's son when he was maybe 11 or 12 he just flat out said mommy sometimes in prayer i get distracted like i can't really focus you know and instead of responding with that with like shame like well that's not good and just start judging that you want to give them you know like what's going on like what are you thinking about what are the things that come come up for you and you know sure enough it's going to be the game that they have the next day or they're seeing their friends you know all the stuff that we adults also experience we're always planning future events during our prayer i would not be able to forgive us so we just have to humanize them and say okay so let's come up with some tools of how you can be more focused and so i told my son for example i says what i want you to do i mean just if you feel feel free to use this but i said i want you to for every prayer before you get in the prayer think of a couple of things one one thing that you're grateful for just one thing one thing and one thing only do that to think about the suras you want to recite before you get in the prayer don't make those on you know as you're doing it because sometimes we just get in prayer immediately and then we're thinking of these things but i said if you're more intentional before the prayer you'll find yourself more focused right and it worked for him right and so it's just these are little tools that we can teach them but that's empathizing like i get it your your child your brain is distracted easily so let me help you rein that mind in by giving you tools instead of shaming because i want you to be perfect and you're not and now i'm at it you they're just what parents do so how can we inculcate love of god and his messenger friendship and mentorship it's really important that we extend also for other adults in their lives that can play that role of a mentor because there are there are adults believe it or not it happens it's it's happened to me before and i've been on the other side of it where the parent and their friend or this mentor will verbatim say the exact same thing to the child but they take it more from the mentor than they do for the parent and for the parent it's hard it's hard on our hearts to see like well really i've given you my whole life and you're going to take this person's word i said the same thing to you last week and you didn't even believe me right but it's just the way it goes and this is part of their actual natural you know development because in this age they are wired to start to separate from us and it makes perfect sense they eventually have to be like the bird that leaves the nest and fly on their own so if there's always this tether to mom and dad they will not learn to fly so there is this kind of detachment that slowly begins in adolescence and we have to be okay with that where that's why enlisting the help of trusted mentors is not seen as you know something that we should be territorial about no you're bringing them in to be helpers along the way for you and your family so look for those helpers by the way when they're young because trust me time moves very quickly and all of a sudden you're like oh my god i need some really good adults that i can trust my kids to so forge those relationships when