 Mother, is Maxwell House really the only coffee in the world? Well, your father says so, and your father knows best. Yes, it's Father Knows Best, transcribed in Hollywood, starring Robert Young's father. A half-hour visit with your neighbors, the Andersons, brought to you by America's favorite coffee, Maxwell House. The coffee that's always good to the last drop. Every week, there are seven days. In every day, there are 24 hours. In every hour, there are 60 minutes or 3,600 seconds. That's a lot of time, isn't it? Time enough to do almost anything. Unless, of course, you happen to be a father. If you're a father like Jim Anderson, there's never enough time. Never enough minutes or hours or days. That's why, as a conscientious father, you're forced to take steps like this. And so, gentlemen of the Springfield Service Club, let's take a look at the record. Let's put a microscope on the past year and see exactly how much cooperation I've received. Jim... Honey, if you're going to keep interrupting me... I'm sorry, dear, but microscope sounds so funny. Don't you mean magnifying glass? Well, you're being very technical, Margaret. It's just a figure of speech. So what difference does it make? Which one I use? Not a great deal, I suppose, except that when you say microscope, you think of germs. And that's exactly what they are, a bunch of germs. Elect a man president, and then don't lift a finger to help him. I know, dear, but as long as you're going to research... It's supposed to be such a great honor. I'd better wear this tie, huh? Yes, dear, and I've laid your shirt out in the bed. President of the Service Club. It's just another way of saying, I'm too tired. Let Jim do it. Jim, if you want me to hear the rest of your speech... They can get another president. He can do all the work. I'm going to stay home with my family. Where was I? You were looking at the record. Oh, yeah, yeah. Let's take a look at the record. Let's put a magnifying glass on the past year and see exactly... Jim. Yes, Margaret. You were right. Microscope sounds better. Thank you. Let's take a look at the record. Let's put a microscope on the past year and see exactly... It's a very peculiar picture. I mean, putting a whole year into a tiny little microscope, but it does sound better when you say it. Margaret. Yes, dear? This is a large microscope, the year size. Well, let's not worry about it. It isn't very important. Yes. I won't interrupt you again. Margaret, if there's anything else you'd rather do... Jim, I'm trying my best to listen. Oh, that's what you were doing. Of course, if you don't want me to hear the speech... I do want you to hear the speech, but we've been at it for 15 minutes, and I haven't been able to get past the introduction. I'm so confused I don't know if I'm getting dressed or undressed. Mother! I'm in the bedroom, Betty. Dear, I forgot all about them. I'll be right down. Okay. Between the string beans and Kathy's bath and Betty's fingernails... Jim, just because you're going out to dinner, that doesn't mean that we don't have to eat. I didn't say that. I have three growing children to take care of, and they're going to be fed in spite of you and the service clubs. I suppose I burned the string beans. Well, they certainly didn't burn by themselves. Now, there's logic for you. I'm going out to dinner, so I'm responsible for everything that happens in the house. Blue sock, blue sock, blue sock. Why is it I can never... Bud! You want me? What happened to my... What's that, Dad? Never mind, I found it. What? I said never mind, I found it. You found what? My other blue sock. In heaven, I just found it. Did? Yes! I thought you'd be happy. I'll give you a 10 to 1 right now. He doesn't know what I'm talking about. And so, gentlemen of the Springfield Service Club, let's take a look at the record. Let's put a microscope on the past year. Let's put a magnifying glass on the past year. Let's take a close look at the past year. Look at the record. Look at the year. Well... Daddy! Oh no, not this. Daddy, are you still here? Me? Of course not. Didn't your mother tell you I left five minutes ago? What? If you look out the window, you can see me just turning the corner. You're kidding me. Somebody told you. Daddy! Kathy, I haven't time to talk. I've got to leave in very few minutes. Isn't that wonderful? What? Oh, I mean going out for dinner and everything. That's what I meant, Daddy. It is, huh? Oh, yes. I wonder. Hey, Kathy. Yes, Daddy? I've got to change my shirt and my trousers, so if you don't mind. What? Kathy, get out and close the door, please. But I don't mind, Daddy. Well, I do. Now, please get out and close the door. Just like living in an alley. That's what it is. Give a man the privacy of a goldfish. Let's take a close look at the past year and see exactly how much cooperation I have received. As president of the local service club, I've neglected my family, my business, even my golf for the sake of this organization. Examine your own consciences and ask yourselves, what did I do to help? Now, what happened to the darn things? You can never find anything around here. Margaret! She isn't here, Father. She was here two seconds ago. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. String beans. I can't find my cuff links, and she's gallivanting all over the neighborhood chasing string beans. Examine your own consciences and ask yourselves in the past year, what did I do to help? What did I do to help? What did I do to help? What did I do to help? Bod! He's taken those cuff links again, so help me. Bod, come in here! Okay, Dad, I'll be right in. If I've told him once, I've told him a thousand times. I couldn't have made it any plainer. You want me for something, Dad? How many times have I told you to leave my cuff links alone? Which cuff links? My gold cuff links, the ones the service club gave me. All those? Well, I don't know. You don't know what? How many times you told me? Then why did you? What did I find? Take them. Oh, I didn't. But if you didn't take them, where are they? Maybe Kathy took them. Well, if it isn't Millicent Mayflower Girl Detective. Come in, Millie. Did you call me, Daddy? Kathy, aside from the fact that it isn't polite to drop eaves on people, what did you do with my cuff links? I didn't drop anything on anybody. What did you do with my cuff links? What cuff links, Daddy? His gold cuff links that the service club gave him. I didn't ask you. Kathy, where are my cuff links? The gold cuff links that the service club gave you? Yes. I don't know. Kathy. Gosh, Daddy, if I knew where they were, I'd be the first one to tell you. I can't afford to have you. I mean, you're almost late now. I am not almost late. Dinner isn't until 7.30. But you always leave here before 7. You have to leave before 7. Why? So you won't be late? Kathy, why are you so anxious to get me out of the house? I didn't say I was anxious. Father! Just a minute, Betty. Kathy, what fiendish little scheme is percolating in the back of your equally fiendish little mind? Why, Daddy? You're up to something. You're up to no good and I want to know what it is. Now what's the matter? I'm not going to spank you. I don't even know what you did. Dad, is it all right if I go back to my room? No, you stay right where you are. But I have homework to do. You can do it later. Right now we've got to find my cufflinks. Holy cow. Father, now don't forget what you... What's the matter with her? Daddy's going to spank me. What for? I don't know. Betty, did you see Dad's cufflinks? No. Father, don't forget. You promised to drop the bridge tables and chairs off at the sorority house tonight. I said no such thing. It was tomorrow night. Father, they need them in the morning and you promised. I don't want you to see it. What if you don't ever find your cufflinks? Then what happens to my homework? You said you'd take them and they're counting on it and if you don't they won't ever speak to me again. I'm going to be a hermit. That's what I'm going to be. I'm going to grow a long white beard and live on top of a mountain in Tibet. Father, he said he'd take the tables and chairs over and now he says he won't. Margaret, don't help me. I didn't... Kathleen. I said no such thing. Did I, bud? I was sitting in my own room, minding my own business. Take the chairs over. Betty, don't change his mind. Well, that's better. Jim, I've never seen it to fail if I set one foot out of the house absolute bedlam sets in. That's not true. But if you're going to walk out in the middle of an emergency... What emergency? What emergency? The place is crawling with them. Why don't you take them one at a time? All right, I will. Bud? All I want to do is my homework. Go down to the kitchen and watch the string beans. Yes, ma'am. Betty? Father promised me... You'd better set the table in the breakfast room. But, Father said... We'll take care of the chairs later. Jumping creepers. Now, my two little ones. Margaret, you realize that this whole thing is absolutely ridiculous. Kathy? Yes, Mommy? Why were you crying? I didn't want Daddy to be here at 7 o'clock. Why? Because that's when she's coming here to speak to him. Who is? My teacher. Oh, that's what it was. Now, you see, Margaret? I had a feeling from the very beginning... Jim. What was your little problem? My gold cuff links are gone. They've disappeared. Vanished. That's all. What are those in your cuffs? What? How'd they get there? Jim, I told you I'd laid your shirt out. I put the cuff links in the shirt to save you a little time. Well, Margaret, let's face it. That's a pretty silly place to hide cuff links. Breakfast ready, darling? Here's your coffee. The eggs will be done in a minute. Good. Mmm. Best coffee I ever tasted. That man you serve coffee to. Here's something about him you ought to know. He's the world's greatest coffee expert. Yes, ma'am. Your husband is the number one expert on coffee. Of course, we Maxwell House people, we think we're pretty fair experts. Our coffee is America's favorite brand. But the final judge, the real expert, is that man of yours. And if you pour him a cup of Maxwell House, we're mighty sure he'll say, best coffee I ever tasted. In fact, if he doesn't, we'll give you your money back. You see, we know there's no coffee taste like Maxwell House because no coffee's made like Maxwell House. No other coffee has that wonderful good to the last drop flavor. Get Maxwell House tomorrow. Start serving it to your husband. And if he doesn't say it's the best coffee there is, why you return the can and unused portion to us and we'll gladly refund the price you paid. Our address is right on the front of that familiar blue tin. Tomorrow, see how much the world's greatest coffee expert, your husband, enjoys Maxwell House coffee. Always good to the last drop. It's seven o'clock in Springfield. Of course, it's seven o'clock in other places as well. But in other places, the hour doesn't contain the same drama, the same suspense that it does in the Anderson Den. There, seven o'clock is a magic hour fraught with excitement and just a small touch of mystery like this. Kathy. Yes, Daddy? What did you do in school? I didn't do anything. Jim, why do you immediately assume that Kathy has done something wrong? Well, why else would her teacher want to see me? Maybe she doesn't want to see you specifically. Yes, she does, Mommy. She said she had to see Daddy and she'd be here at seven o'clock. And naturally, she'd have to pick tonight. Kathy, why didn't you tell us about this earlier? Well, don't you have anything to say? I'm trying to think of something. Say, Mom. Bud, we're very busy in here. We've got problems. So have I. If I don't finish my homework, how can I go to the movies with Joe Phillips? You can't. Well, then why can't I... Bud, please go back to the kitchen and watch the string beans. We don't want them to burn again, do we? Go ahead, Bud. Holy cow. 15 years old and what am I? A string bean watcher. Look, Kathy, I want you to think hard. Have you done anything wrong in school? Have you kicked any footballs through anybody's window? You mean today? I mean any day. Jim, Mrs. Lindsey will be here any moment. Margaret, I want to find out before she gets here. If Kathy's done anything and I can get it straightened out in advance, then I won't have to hang around and gab with Mrs. Lindsey. Kathy, please try to think. What could your teacher possibly want to see me about? Well, maybe Mrs. Woody called her. But I didn't mean to do anything. You and Jimmy had another fight, huh? He said I was a tomboy and I'm not a tomboy. And I just showed him I wasn't. That's all. How? I punched him in the nose. Kathleen, after all the promises you made... Well, he didn't have any right to say I was a tomboy. Did he, Daddy? I don't know, Kathy. Is that all that happened? Except for his shirt. What happened to his shirt? I was only trying to lift him back in his feet. And I couldn't help it if it just ripped. Margaret, what's the Woody's number? Jim, don't you think if I call Dorothy? I'll get it straightened out in two seconds. What's the number? It's in the little book, dear, next to the phone. By the time Mrs. Lindsey gets here, there won't be anything to talk about. And that'll be all right with me. Kathy, why can't you ever learn to behave like a lady? I was trying to be a lady, Mommy. I tried to help him all. Oh, there it is. Get the little monster a new shirt, and everything will be right as rain. No, Dorothy? This is Jim Anderson. Just fine, thanks. Say, Dorothy, we're awfully sorry about... No, I hadn't heard about the school paper drive. I was just... No, look, Dorothy, I was just... Yes, I know how successful it was, but I don't have the time this year to... Dorothy, I just called to explain about Jimmy's shirt. You see, Kathy... What? Didn't Jimmy say anything about it? Well, I'm afraid it was Kathy's fault, and Dorothy, if you'll just buy him another shirt and send me the bill, I know it takes an experienced man, but I give you my word, Dorothy, okay, as long as you put it that way. Yes, I'll call a meeting for next Monday night. You're welcome, Dorothy. Good night. Paper drive. 8,000 men in the neighborhood, and she has to pick on me. Is everything all right, Jim? Dorothy didn't know anything about Jimmy's shirt, but shake hands with the chairman of the school paper drive. Jim, it won't do any good to give up your office in the service club if you're going to turn around... It wasn't my idea, Margaret. She said I owed it to her on account of Jimmy's shirt. Well, what could I do? Well, it'll only be for a month, and then you'll have all your evenings to spend with us. Father, Bud and I put the bridge tables and chairs in the back of the car. What for? You said you'd deliver them. I said I'd deliver them tomorrow, not tonight. Margaret, it's clear over on the other side of town. It'll take me all night. I know, dear, but after all Betty promised. Please, Father. All right. I'll take them over after I leave the dinner. Oh, thank you, Father. You're a lamb. I'm getting just a little tired of being led to the slaughter. Yes, Kathy? Maybe it was Stevie Long. What about Stevie Long? I didn't know it was his good sweater. Margaret. Kathy, did you tear Stevie's sweater? Oh, no, Mommy. I was trying to fix it. I can just see that. Well, I didn't know that was the thread that held the sleeve on. And all I did was pull it a little bit. And Stevie just stood there and let you, I suppose. He wasn't even there. I was holding the sweater while he went inside to get the baseball. What baseball? The one I hit through the living room window. Kathy. You said you hadn't broken any windows. You said today. This was yesterday. Oh, Kathleen. Anyway, you said with a football and this was a baseball. Kathy, when are you going to realize that you're not a boy? I don't know. Is there any other child in Springfield who gets into half as much mischief as you do? Don't you know how to say anything but I don't know? I don't know. Margaret. The longs number is next to the phone, dear. I know the longs number. This is the fifth time we've had to pay for that same window. I ought to know their number by now. This isn't the same window, Daddy. It's the big one in the front. Well, that makes it much better. I don't know why I ever went into the insurance business. I should have opened a glass factory. Well, hello, Harry. Well, I haven't had a chance to play much golf lately. I've been sort of tied up with... No, Harry. Harry, I just want to explain about the living room window. You see, Kathy was playing baseball. Yes, I know it's insured, but if I can just tell Mrs. Lindsay that we've got the whole thing... No, it isn't all right, Harry. I just assumed... Harry, I haven't got time to be on the Greens Committee. I'm going to resign as president of the... Look, Harry, I know that it... But I don't have one evening a week. I've got a family, Harry, and I don't see them from... Look, can I just send you a check for the window? Okay, Harry. Eight o'clock at your house on Wednesday. Yes, Harry. Okay, good night. I don't know. Every time I pick up the phone, I'm a member of something else. Registering everything out with Harry, dear? Oh, sure. It was a plate glass window, and he's already collected the insurance. And now I'm a member of the Greens Committee, the golf club. Jim, if this keeps up... Every Wednesday night, what to do with the grass, where to put the cups, and who ran away with the trap in front of the 15th Green? I'll probably wind up in back of a lawnmower. Daddy? I don't want to hear another word out of you. But I just thought of something. Jim, she's only trying to help you. Oh, sure. She's helping me just fine. I'm a paper collector and a grass cutter, and I still don't know what Mrs. Lindsey wants. I do. Mom, the string beans are boiling over. Oh, dear. I'll be right there, bud. Now, Kathy, tell your father what you did and then wash your hands. Dinner's almost ready. Yes, Mommy. Well... What? What did you do? Oh, I think I know what I did, but it wasn't my fault, Daddy. Nothing is ever your fault. I've never seen a child who could do more things that weren't her fault. Well, how did I know her father wasn't through with them? Wasn't through with what? The neckties. What neckties? The ones I told Lori had the way to use. For what? To tie up the goat. What goat? The one I found in the lot. You brought a goat over to the Hathaways? Well, you would let me keep it here, would you? And I didn't know it was going to eat all Mr. Hathaways' flowers. Oh, Kathy. What am I going to do with you? Spank me. Now I've got to call the Hathaways. And I don't care what committee he wants me to be on, I'm going to pay for the flowers and the ties, and that's all. I'm sorry, Daddy. Can you, uh, think of anything else? You mean lately? Oh, it's Mrs. Lindsey. Did you call me, Jim? Never mind. Never mind. Hello, Mrs. Lindsey. Yeah, clean you, sweet child. Come in, Mrs. Lindsey. I, uh, I've been waiting for you. Thank you, Mr. Anderson. This is a very great pleasure. Yes. Shall we, uh, go into the living room? Thank you. I'm sorry, Mrs. Lindsey. About what, dear? About whatever I did. Mrs. Lindsey, I've been calling people all night. Why, Kathleen, you haven't done anything. Have you? Haven't I? Not that I know of. Gosh! Uh, wait a minute. If she hasn't done anything, what did you want to see me about? Mr. Anderson, I have the most wonderful news for you. You've been elected president of the PTA. Congratulations. Oh, no. What is it that puts so much real enjoyment in a steaming cup of coffee? Why, it's flavor. Yes, and when you buy coffee, you certainly want to get the most in flavor for your money. Now, that's something the world's greatest coffee expert can help you find. Your husband. He's the expert we meet. Just serve him a cup of Maxwell House coffee. And then when he says, best coffee I ever tasted, you'll know Maxwell House has the flavor. That it's your coffee buy. Find out tomorrow. Buy a pound of Maxwell House. Start serving it to your husband. And count all the truly good cups of coffee you get from that one pound. At your own table, find out how much more you get for your money with Maxwell House coffee. Always good to the last drop. The night is dark, the clock strikes two, and the white frame house on Maple Street stands hushed beneath the starless sky. In the Anderson's quiet bedroom, a figure moves, and Margaret stirs softly on her downy couch, like this. Jim. Oh, did I wake you, honey? I was just dosing. Jim. Yes, Jim. Don't be too upset about tonight. You mean about Kathy? I mean about giving up the presidency of the service club. I know it meant a great deal to you. Yes. Did they like your speech? Oh, yes, they loved it. That's nice. They thought it was just great. And you know what? What, dear? I was re-elected. Good night, Jim. Good night, dear. Hello, kids. A hot favorite with Hoppy. That's hot post-tweet meal. And you won't have to coax the youngsters to eat a hot cereal for breakfast if you tell them how Hop along Cassidy loves hot post-tweet meal. Hoppy knows it's chuck full of good, solid nourishment. He goes for the rich, nut-like flavor. And you will go for the fact that post-tweet meal cooks in just three and a half minutes. So get hot post-tweet meal and tell the kids it's Hoppy's favorite. You will see. It's the best hot cereal you ever ate. Join us again next week when we'll be back with Father Knows Best, starring Robert Young as Jim Anderson with Roy Barkey in the Maxwell House Orchestra and yours truly, Bill Foreman. So until next Thursday, good night and good luck from the makers of Maxwell House, America's favorite brand of coffee, always good to the last drop. Father Knows Best was transcribed in Hollywood and written by Ed James. Now stay tuned in for Dragnet, which follows immediately over most of these stations.