 Section 1 of the Expedition of Humphrey-Clinker. To Mr. Henry Davis, bookseller in London. I beg of any, August 4th, respected sir, I have received your esteemed favour of the 13th Ultimo, whereby it appeareth that you have perused those same letters, the which were delivered unto you by my friend, the Reverend Mr. Hugo Ben, and I am pleased to find you think they may be printed with a good prospect of success. Inasmuch as the objections you mention, I humbly conceive are such that may be redargued, if not entirely removed, and first in the first place, as touching what prosecutions may arise from printing the private correspondence of persons still living, give me leave, with all due submission, to observe that the letters in question were not written and sent under the seal of secrecy, that they have no tendency to the marifama, or prejudice of any person whatsoever, but rather to the information and edification of mankind, so that it becomeeth a sort of duty to promulgate them in usum publicum. Besides, I have consulted Mr. Davie Higgins, an eminent attorney of this place, who, after due inspection and consideration, declareeth, that he doth not think the said letters contain any matter which will be held actionable in the eye of the law. Finally, if you and I should come to a right understanding, I do declare, in verbal sacrodotus, that, in case of any prosecution, I will take the whole upon my own shoulders, even clawed fine and imprisonment, though I must confess, I should not care to undergo flagellation. Tam ed turpitudinem quam ed eminitudinem bueno speckens. Secondly, concerning the personal resentment of Mr. Justice Lismahago, I may say nonflasci facio. I would not willingly vilipend any Christian if, per adventure, he deservedeth that epithet. Albeit I am much surprised that more care is not taken to exclude from the commission all such vagrant foreigners as may be justly suspected of disaffection to our happy constitution in church and state. God forbid that I should be so uncharitable, as to affirm positively that the said Lismahago is no better than a Jesuit in disguise. But this I will assert and maintain, totus viribus, that, from the day he qualified, he has never once seen intra-templi impetites, that is to say, within the parish church. Thirdly, with respect to what passed at Mr. Kendall's table, when the said Lismahago was so brutal in his reprehensions, I must inform you, my good sir, that I was obliged to retire, not by fear arising from his mandatory reproaches, which, as I said above, I value not of a rush, but from the sudden effect produced by a Barbaro's row which I had eaten at dinner, not knowing that the said row is in certain seasons violently cathartic, as Galen observeth in his chapter peri itchtos. Fourthly and lastly, with reference to the matter in which I got possession of these letters, it is a circumstance that concerns my own conscience only. Suffitheth it to say, I have fully satisfied the parties in whose custody they were, and by this time I hope I have also satisfied you in such ways, that the last hand may be put to our agreement, and the work proceed with all convenient expedition, in which I hope I rest, respectfully yours, your very humble servant, Jonathan Dustwich. I propose, deo volente, to have the pleasure of seeing you in the great city, toward all holotide, when I shall be glad to treat with you concerning a parcel of M.S. Sermons of a certain clergyman deceased, a cake of the right leaven, for the present taste of the public, verbum sepiente, en si, J.D. End of Section 1 Section 2 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett. Section 2 To the Reverend Mr. Jonathan Dustwich. Sir, I received yours in course of post, and shall be glad to treat with you for the M.S., which I have delivered to your friend Mr. Ben. But can by no means comply with the terms proposed. Those things are so uncertain. Writing is all a lottery. I've been a loser by the works of the greatest men of the age. I could mention particulars and name names, but don't choose it. The taste of the town is so changeable. Then there have been so many letters upon travels lately published. What between Smollett's, Sharpe's, Derrick's, Thickness's, Baltimore's and Beretti's, together with Shandy's sentimental travels. The public seems to be cloyed with that kind of entertainment. Nevertheless, I will, if you please, run the risk of printing and publishing, and you shall have half the profits of the impression. You need not take the trouble to bring up your sermons on my account. Nobody reads sermons but Methodists and Dicenters. Besides, for my own part I am quite a stranger to that sort of reading, and the two persons whose judgment I depended upon in those matters are out of the way. One is gone abroad, carpenter of a man of war, and the other has been silly enough to abscond in order to avoid a prosecution for blasphemy. I am a great loser by his going off. He has left a manual of devotion half finished in my hands after having received money for the whole copy. He was the soundest divine, and had the most orthodox pen of all my people, and I never knew his judgment fail but in flying from his bread and butter on this occasion. By owning you was not put in bodily fear by Lismahago. You preclude yourself from the benefit of a good plea, over and above the advantage of binding him over. In late war I inserted in my evening paper a paragraph that came by the post reflecting upon the behaviour of a certain regiment in battle. An officer of said regiment came to my shop and in the presence of my wife and journeymen threatened to cut off my ears. As I exhibited marks of bodily fear more ways than one to the conviction of the bystanders, I bound him over. My action lay, and I recovered. As for flagilation you have nothing to fear and nothing to hope on that head. There has been but one printer flogged at the cart's tail these thirty years. That was Charles Watson, and he assured me it was no more than a flea-bite. C.S. has been threatened several times by the House of Lords, but it came to nothing. If an information should be moved for and granted against you as the editor of those letters, I hope you will have honesty and wit enough to appear and take your trial. If you should be sentenced to the pillory your fortune is made. As times go that's a sure step to honour and preferment. I shall think myself happy if I can lend you a lift, and I am very sincerely yours. Henry Davis, Landon, August 10th Please, my kind service to your neighbour, my cousin Maddock, I have sent an almanac and court calendar directed for him at Mr Satton's bookseller in Gloucester. Carriage paid, which he will please to accept as a small token of my regard. My wife, who is very fond of toasted cheese, presents her compliments to him and begs to know if there's any of that kind which he was so good as to send us last Christmas to be sold in London. H.D. End of Section 2. Section 3 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Deborah Lynn. The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett. To Dr. Lewis. Dr. The pills are good for nothing. I might as well swallow snowballs to cool my reins. I have told you over and over how hard I am to move, and at this time of day I ought to know something of my own constitution. Why will you be so positive? Prithee, send me another prescription. I am as lame and as much tortured in all my limbs as if I was broke upon the wheel. Indeed I am equally distressed in mind and body, as if I had not plagues enough of my own, those children of my sister are left me for a perpetual source of vexation. What business have people to get children to plague their neighbors? A ridiculous incident that happened yesterday to my niece Liddy has disordered me in such a manner that I expect to be laid up with another fit of the gout. Perhaps I may explain myself on my next. I shall set out tomorrow morning for the hotwell at Bristol, where I am afraid I shall stay longer than I could wish. On the receipt of this, send William's thither with my saddle horse and the demi-peak. Tell Barnes to thresh out the two old ricks and send the corn to market and sell it off to the poor at a shilling of bushel under market price. I have received a sniveling letter from Griffin offering to make a public submission and pay costs. I want none of his submissions. Neither will I pocket any of his money. The fellow is a bad neighbor and I desire to have nothing to do with him. But as he is purse-proud, he shall pay for his insolence. Let him give five pounds to the poor of the parish and I will withdraw my action. And in the meantime you may tell Prigg to stop proceedings. Let Morgan's widow have the Alderney cow and forty shillings to clothe her children. But don't say a syllable of the matter to any living soul. I'll make her pay when she is able. I desire you will lock up all my drawers and keep the keys till meeting, and be sure you take the iron chest with my papers into your own custody. Forgive all this trouble from Dear Louis, your affectionate M. Bramble, Gloucester, April 2nd. End of Section 3. Section 4 of the Expedition of Humphrey-Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Ruth Golding. The Expedition of Humphrey-Clinker by Tobias Smollett. Section 4. To Mrs. Gwillim, housekeeper at Brambleton Hall. Mrs. Gwillim. When this comes to hand, be sure to pack up in the trunk mail that stands in my closet to be sent me in the Bristol wagon without loss of time the following articles, vis my rose-collared negligee with green robins, my yellow damask, and my black velvets with the short hoop, my blue-quilted petticate, my green mantle, my laced apron, my French commode, macklin head and lapets, and the little box with my joles. Williams may bring over my bum-duffy and the vial with the easings of Dr. Hill's dock-water and a child's laxative. The poor creature has been terribly stuprated ever since we left home. Pray take particular care of the house while the family is absent. Let there be a fire constantly kept in my brother's chamber and mine. The maids having nothing to do may be sat a-spinning. I desire you'll clap a padlock on the wine cellar and let none of the men have access to the strong beer. Don't forget to have the gate shut every evening be dark. The gardener and the hind may lie below in the laundry to partake the house with the blunder-bus of the great dog. And hope you'll have a watchful eye over the maids. I know that Hussie Mary Jones loves to be a-rumping with the men. Let me know all in his calf be sold yet and what he fought. If the old goose be sitting, and if the cobbler has cut Dickie, and how poor animal bore the operation. No more at present but rests yours, Tavisa Bramble Gloucester, April 2nd. End of Section 4. To Mrs. Mary Jones at Brambleton Hall. Dear Molly, heaving this importunity, I send my love to you and Saul, being in good health and hoping to hear the same from you, and that you and Saul will take my poor kitten to bed with you this cold weather. We have been all in, a sad taking here at Gloucester. Miss Liddy had liked to have run away with a player-man, and young master and he would have done themselves a mischief. But the squire applied to the mare and they were bound over. Mistress Bidney not speak a word of the matter to any Christian soul. No more I shall, for we servants should see all and say nothing. But what was worse than all this, Chowder has had the misfortune to be worried by a butcher's dog, and came home in a terrible pickle. Mistress was taken with the asterisks, but they soon went off. The doctor was sent for to Chowder, and he subscribed a repository which did him a great service. Thank God he's now in a fair way to do well. Pray take care of my box and the pillibur and put them under your own bed. For, I do suppose, Madame Gwilliam will be apprying into my secrets, now my back is turned. John Thomas is in good health but sulk-y. The squire gave away an old coat to a poor man, and John says as how to rob him of his perquisites. I told him by his agreement he was to receive no veils, but he says as how there's a difference between veils and perquisites, and so there is for Satan. We are all going to the hot well, where I shall drink your health in a glass of water, being, dear Molly, your humble servant to command, W. Jenkins, Gloucester, April 2nd. End of Section 5. Recording by Tricia G. Section 6 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording, all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Martin Giesen. The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker. By Tobias Smollett. Section 6. To So what can Phillips baron it? Of Jesus College Oxford. Dear Phillips, as I have nothing more at heart than to convince you that I am incapable of forgetting or neglecting the friendship I made at college, now begin that correspondence by letters which you and I agreed at parting to cultivate. I begin it sooner than I intended that you may have it in your power to refute any idle reports which may be circulated to my prejudice at Oxford, touching a foolish quarrel in which I have been involved on account of my sister, who had been some time settled here in a boarding school. When I came hither with my uncle and aunt, who are our guardians, to fetch her away, I found a fine tall girl of seventeen with an agreeable person, but remarkably simple and quite ignorant of the world. This disposition and want of experience had exposed her to the addresses of a person. I know not what to call him who had seen her at a play, and with a confidence and dexterity peculiar to himself found means to be recommended to her acquaintance. It was by the greatest accident I intercepted one of his letters. As it was my duty to stifle this correspondence in its birth I made it my business to find him out and tell him very freely my sentiments of the matter. The spark did not like the style I used and behaved with abundance of metal. Though his rank in life, which by the by I am ashamed to declare, did not entitle him to much deference, yet as his behaviour was remarkably spirited I admitted him to the privilege of a gentleman and something might have happened had not we been prevented. In short the business took air, my know not how, and made abundance of noise. Recourse was had to justice. I was obliged to give my word and honour, etc., and to-morrow morning we set out for Bristol Wells, where I expect to hear from you by the return of the post. I have got into a family of originals whom I may one day attempt to describe for your amusement. My aunt, Mrs. Tabitha Bramble, is a maiden of forty-five, exceedingly starched, vain and ridiculous. My uncle is an odd kind of humorist always on the fret and so unpleasant in his manner that rather than be obliged to keep him company I'd resign all claim to the inheritance of his estate. Indeed his being tortured by the gout may have soured his temper, and perhaps I may like him better on further acquaintance. Certainly it is all his servants and neighbours in the country are fond of him, even to a degree of enthusiasm, the reason of which I cannot as yet comprehend. Remember me to Griffey Price, Gwyn, Mansel, Bassett, and all the rest of my old Cambrian companions. Salute the bed-maker in my name. Give my service to the cook, and pray take care of poor Ponto, for the sake of his old master, who is, and ever will be, dear Phillips, your affectionate friend and humble servant. Jerry Melford, Gloucester, April 2nd. End of Section 6 Section 7 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett Section 7 To Mrs. German at her house in Gloucester Dear Madam, having no mother of my own, I hope you will give me leave to disburden my poor hearts to you, who have always acted the part of a kind parent to me ever since I was put under your care. Indeed, and indeed, my worthy governess may believe me, when I assure her, that I never harbored a thought that was otherwise than virtuous. And if God will give me grace, I shall never behave so as to cast a reflection on the care you have taken in my education. I confess I have given just cause of offence by my want of prudence and experience. I ought not to have listened to what the young man had said, and it was my duty to have told you all that passed, but I was ashamed to mention it. And then he behaved so modest and respectful and seemed to be so melancholy and tumourous that I could not find in my heart to do anything that should make him miserable and desperate. As for familyarities, I do declare I never once allowed him the favour of a solute and asked to the few letters that passed between us. They are all in my uncle's hands, and I hope they contain nothing contrary to innocence and honour. I am still persuaded that he is not what he appears to be, but time will discover. Meanwhile, I will endeavour to forget a connection which is so displeasing to my family. I have cried without seizing and have not tasted anything but tea since I was hurried away from you. Nor did I once close my eyes for three nights running. My aunt continues to chide me severely when we are by ourselves, but I hope to soften her in time by humility and submission. My uncle, who was so dreadfully passionate in the beginning, has been moved by my tears and distress, and is now all tenderness and compassion. And my brother is reconciled to me on my promise to break off all correspondence with that unfortunate youth. But notwithstanding all their indulgence, I shall have no peace of mind till I know my dear and ever-honoured governess has forgiven her poor, disconsolate, fall-on, affectionate, humble servant, till death Lydia Melford. Clifton, April 6th. End of Section 7. Section 8 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett. Section 8. To Miss Leticia Willis at Gloucester. My dearest Letty, I am in such a fright, lest this should not come safe to hand by the conveyance of Jarvis the Carrier, that I beg you will write me on the receipt of it directing to me under cover to Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, my aunt's maid, who is a good girl and has been so kind to me in my affliction that I have made her my confidant. As for Jarvis, he was very shy of taking charge of my letter and the little parcel because his sister Sally had liked to have lost her place on my account. Indeed, I cannot blame the man for his caution, but I have made it worth his while. My dear companion and bedfellow, it is a grievous addition to my other misfortunes that I am deprived of your agreeable company and conversation at a time when I need so much the comfort of your good humour and good sense. But I hope the friendship we contracted at boarding school will last for life. I doubt not, but on my side it will daily increase and improve as I gain experience and learn to know the value of a good friend. Oh, my dear Letty, what shall I say about poor Mr. Wilfen? I have promised to break off all correspondence and, if possible, to forget him. But alas, I begin to perceive that will not be in my power. As it is by no means proper that the picture should remain in my hands, lest it should be the occasion for more mischief, I have sent it to you by this opportunity, begging you will either keep it safe till better times or return it to Mr. Wilfen himself, who, I suppose, will make it his business to see you at the usual place. If he should be low spirited at my sending back his picture, you may tell him I have no occasion for a picture while the original continues engraved on my... But no, I would not have you tell him that, neither, because there must be an end to our correspondence. I wish he may forget me for the sake of his own peace, and yet, if he should, he must be a barbarous. But it is impossible. Poor Wilfen cannot be false and inconstant. I beseech him not to write to me nor attempt to see me for some time. For, considering the resentment and passionate temper of my brother Jerry, such an attempt might be attended with consequences which would make us all miserable for life. Let us trust your time and the chapter of accidents or rather to that providence which will not fail sooner or later to reward those that walk in the paths of honour and virtue. I would offer my love to the young ladies, but it is not fit that any of them should know you have received this letter. If we go to Bath, I shall send you my simple remarks to that famous centre of polite amusement and every other place we may chance to visit. And I flatter myself that my dear Miss Willis will be punctual in answering the letters of her affectionate Lydia Malford, Clifton, April 6. End of Section 8 I have followed your directions with some success and might have been upon my legs by this time, had the weather permitted me to use my saddle horse. I rode out upon the Downs last Tuesday in the forenoon when the sky, as far as the visible horizon, was without a cloud. But before I had gone, I had seen the sky, I had seen the sky, I had seen the sky, I had seen the sky, and I was proud. But before I had gone a full mile, I was overtaken instantaneously by a storm of rain that wet me to the skin in three minutes. Whence it came, the devil knows. But it has laid me up, I suppose, for one fortnight. It makes me sick to hear people talk of the fine air upon Clifton Downs. How can the air be either agreeable or salutary where the demon of vapours descends in a perpetual drizzle. as I am surrounded with domestic vexations. My niece has had a dangerous fit of illness, occasioned by that cursive incident at Gluster, which I mentioned in my last. She is a poor, good-natured simpleton, as soft as butter and as easily melted. Not that she is a fool. The girl's parts are not despicable, and her education has not been neglected. That is to say she can write and spell and speak French and play up on the harpsichord. Then she dances finally, has a good figure, and is very well inclined, but she is deficient in spirit and so susceptible and so tender for sooth. Truly, she's got a languishing eye and reads romances. Then there's her brother, Squire Jerry, a perked jack-and-apes full of college petulants and self-conceit, proud as a German count and as hot and hasty as a Welsh mountaineer. As for that fantastical animal, my sister Tabby, you are no stranger to her qualifications. I vow to God she is sometimes so intolerable that I almost think she's the devil incarnate come to torment me for my sins. And yet I am conscious of no sins that ought to entail such family plagues upon me. Why the devil should not I shake off these torments at once? I ain't married to Tabby, thank heaven, nor did I beget the other two. Let them choose another guardian. For my part, I ain't in a condition to take care of myself, much less to superintend the conduct of giddy-headed boys and girls. You earnestly desire to know the particulars of our adventure at Gloucester, which are briefly these, and I hope they will go no further. Lydia had been so long copped up in a boarding school, which, next to a nunnery, is the worst kind of seminary that ever was contrived for young women, that she became as inflammable as touch would. And going to a play in holiday time—staff, I'm ashamed to tell you—she fell in love with one of the actors, a handsome young fellow that goes by the name of Wilson. The rascal soon perceived the impression he had made, and managed matters so as to see her at a house where she went to drink tea with her governess. This was the beginning of a correspondence which they kept up by means of a jade of a milliner who made and dressed caps for the girls at the boarding school. When we arrived at Gloucester, Lydia came to stay at lodgings with her aunt, and Wilson arrived at the maid to deliver a letter into her own hands. But it seems Jerry had already acquired so much credit with the maid, by what means he best knows, that she carried the letter to him, and so the whole plot was discovered. The rash boy, without saying a word of the matter to me, went immediately in search of Wilson, and, I suppose, treated him with insolence enough. The theatrical hero was too far gone in romance to brook such usage. He replied in blank verse, and a formal challenge ensued. They agreed to meet early next morning and decide the dispute was sword and pistol. I heard nothing at all of the affair till Mr. Morley came to my bedside in the morning, and told me he was afraid my nephew was going to fight, as he had been overheard talking very loud and vehement with Wilson at the young man's lodgings the night before, and afterwards went and bought powder and ball at his shop in the neighborhood. I got up immediately, and upon inquiry found that he was just going out. I begged Morley to knock up the mayor that he might interpose as a magistrate, and in the meantime I hobbled after the squire, whom I saw at a distance, walking at a great pace towards the city gate. In spite of all my efforts, I could not come up till our two combatants had taken their ground and were priming their pistols. An old house luckily screened me from their view, so that I rushed upon them at once before I was perceived. They were both confounded and attempted to make their escape different ways, but Morley, coming up with constables at that instant, took Wilson into custody, and Jerry followed him quietly to the mayor's house. All this time I was ignorant of what had passed the preceding day, and neither of the parties would discover a tittle of the matter. The mayor observed that it was great presumption in Wilson, who was a stroller, to proceed to such extremities with a gentleman of family and fortune, and threatened to commit him on the vagrant act. The young fellow bustled up with great spirit, declaring he was a gentleman and would be treated as such, but he refused to explain himself further. The master of the company being sent for and examined, touching the said Wilson, said the young man had engaged with him at Birmingham about six months ago, but never would take his salary, that he had behaved so well in his private character as to acquire the respect and goodwill of all his acquaintance, and that the public owned his merit as an actor was altogether extraordinary. After all, I fancy, he will turn out to be a runaway apprentice from London. The manager offered to bail him for any sum, provided he would give his word in honour that he would keep the peace. But the young gentleman was on his high robes, and would by no means lay himself under any restrictions. On the other hand, hopeful was equally obstinate, till at length the mayor declared that if they both refused to be bound over, he would immediately commit Wilson as a vagrant to hard labour. Iona was much pleased with Jerry's behavior on this occasion. He said that rather than Mr. Wilson should be treated in such an ignominious manner, he would give his word in honour to prosecute the affair no further while they remained at Gloucester. Wilson thanked him for his generous manner of proceeding, and was discharged. When I returned to our lodgings, my nephew explained the whole mystery, and I own I was exceedingly incensed. Liddy being questioned on the subject, and very severely reproached by that wildcat, my sister Tabby, first swooned away, then dissolving in a flood of tears confessed all the particulars of the correspondence, at the same time giving up three letters which was all she had received from her admirer. The last, which Jerry intercepted, I send you enclosed, and when you have read it, I daresay you won't wonder at the progress the writer had made in the heart of a simple girl, utterly unacquainted with the characters of mankind. Thinking it was high time to remove her from such a dangerous connection, I carried her off the very next day to Bristol. But the poor creature was so frightened and fluttered by our threats and expostulations that she fell sick the fourth day after our arrival at Clifton, and continued so ill for a whole week that her life was despaired of. It was not till yesterday that Dr. Rigg declared her out of danger. You cannot imagine what I have suffered, partly from the indiscretion of this poor child, but much more from the fear of losing her entirely. This air is intolerably cold and the place quite solitary. I never go down to the well without returning low-spirited. For there I meet with half a dozen poor, emaciated creatures with ghostly looks in the last stage of a consumption who have made shift to linger through the winter like so many exotic plants languishing in a hot house. But in all appearance will drop into their graves before the sun has warmed enough to mitigate the rigor of this ungenial spring. If you think the bathwater will be of any service to me, I will go thither so soon as my knees can bear the motion of the coach. Tell Barnes I am obliged to him for his advice, but don't choose to follow it. If Davis voluntarily offers to give up the farm, the others shall have it, but I will not begin at this time of day to distress my tenants because they are unfortunate and cannot make regular payments. I wonder that Barnes should think me capable of such oppression. As for Higgins, the fellow is a notorious poacher, to be sure, and an impudent rascal to set his snares in my own paddock. But I suppose he thought he had some right, especially in my absence, to partake of what nature seems to have intended for common use. You may threaten him in my name as much as you please, but if he repeats the offense, let me know it before you have recourse to justice. I know you are a great sportsman and obliged many of your friends. I need not tell you to make use of my grounds, but it may be necessary to hint that I am more afraid of my fouling piece than of my game. When you can spare two or three braids of partridges, send them over by the stagecoach and tell Gwillom that she forgot to pack up my flannel and wide shoes in the trunk mail. I shall trouble you as usual from time to time, till at last I suppose you will be tired of corresponding with your assured friend M. Bramble, Clifton, April 17th. End of Section 9. Section 10 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org, the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker, by Tobias Smollett. Section 10. To Miss Lydia Melford. Miss Willis has pronounced my doom. You are going away, dear Miss Melford. You are going to be removed. I know not whether. What shall I do? Which way shall I turn for consolation? I know not what I say. All night long have I been tossed in a sea of doubts and fears, uncertainty and distraction, without being able to connect my thoughts, much less to form any consistent plan of conduct. I was even tempted to wish that I had never seen you, or that you had been less amiable or less compassionate to your poor Wilson, and yet it will be detestable in gratitude in me to form such a wish, considering how much I am indebted to your goodness, and the ineffable pleasure I have derived from your indulgence in approbation. Good God! I never heard your name mentioned without emotion, the most distant prospect of being admitted to your company filled my whole soul with a kind of pleasing alarm. As the time approached, my heart beat with redoubled force, and every nerve thrilled with a transport of expectation. But when I found myself actually in your presence, when I heard you speak, when I saw your smile, when I beheld your charming eyes turn favorably upon me, my breast was filled with such tumults of delight, as wholly deprived me of the power of utterance, and wrapped me in a delirium of joy. Encouraged by your sweetness of temper and affability, I ventured to describe the feelings of my heart. Even then you did not check my presumption, you pitted my sufferings and gave me leave to hope you put a favorable, perhaps too favorable, a construction on my appearance. Certain it is, I am no player in love. I speak the language of my own heart. I have no prompter, but nature. Yet there is something in this heart which I have not yet disclosed. I flattered myself, but I will not. I must not proceed. Dear Miss Liddy, for heaven's sake contrive, if possible, some means of letting me speak to you before you leave Gloucester. Otherwise I know not what will, but I begin to rave again. I will endeavor to bear this trial with fortitude, while I am capable of reflecting upon your tenderness and truth. I surely have no cause to despair. A cloud hangs over me, and there is a dreadful weight upon my spirits. While you stay in this place, I shall continually hover about your lodgings as the parted soul is said to linger about the grave, where its mortal comfort lies. I know, if it is in your power, you will task your humanity, your compassion, shall I add, your affection, in order to assuage the almost intolerable disquiet that torments the heart of your afflicted Wilson. Gloucester, March 21st, end of section 10. Section 11 of the Expedition of Humphry-Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Martin Giesen. The Expedition of Humphry-Clinker by Tobias Smollett. Section 11. To Sir Watkin Phillips of Jesus College, Oxford. Hotwell, April 18th. Dear Phillips, I give Mansel credit for his invention in propagating the report that I had a quarrel with a mount-a-bank's Mary Andrew at Gloucester, but I have too much respect for every appendage of wit to quarrel with even the lowest buffoonery, and therefore I hope Mansel and I shall always be good friends. I cannot, however, approve of his drowning my poor dog, Ponto, on purpose to convert Ovid's pleonasm into a punning epitaph. Deerant coquelitora Ponto, for that he threw him into the Isis, when it was so high and impetuous, with no other view than to kill the fleas, is an excuse that will not hold water. But I leave poor Ponto to his fate, and hope Providence will take care to accommodate Mansel with a drier death. As there is nothing that can be called company at the well, I am here in a state of absolute rustication. This, however, gives me the leisure to observe the singularities in my uncle's character, which seems to have interested your curiosity. The truth is, his disposition and mine, which, like oil and vinegar, repelled one another at first, have now begun to mix by dint of being beat up together. I was once apt to believe him a complete cynic, that nothing but the necessity of his occasions could compel him to get within the pale of society. I am now of another opinion. I think his peevishness arises partly from bodily pain, and partly from a natural excess of mental sensibility. For I suppose the mind, as well as the body, is in some cases endued with a morbid excess of sensation. I was to the day much diverted with a conversation that passed in the pump room, betwixt him and the famous Dr. L, who has come to ply at the well for patience. My uncle was complaining of the stink occasioned by the vast quantity of mud and slime, which the river leaves at Loeb, under the windows of the pump room. He observed that the exhalations arising from such a nuisance could not but be prejudicial to the weak lungs of many consumptive patients who came to drink the water. The doctor, overhearing this remark, made up to him and assured him he was mistaken. He said people in general were so misled by vulgar prejudices that philosophy was hardly sufficient to un-deceive them. Then humming thrice he assumed a most ridiculous solemnity of aspect, and entered into a learned investigation of the nature of stink. He observed that stink or stench meant no more than a strong impression on the olfactory nerves, and might be applied to substances of the most opposite qualities. That in the Dutch language, stinken, signifies the most agreeable perfume as well as the most vetted odour, as appears in Van Flaudel's translation of Horris, in that beautiful ode, Quismultagraquilis, etc. The words liquidis perfusus odoribus, he translates fancivet en maschata chestinken, that individuals differed toto coilo in their opinion of smells, which indeed was altogether as arbitrary as the opinion of beauty. That the French were pleased with the putrid effluvia of animal food, and so were the hot-and-tots in Africa, and the savages in Greenland, and that the negroes on the coast of Senegal would not touch fish till it was rotten. Strong presumptions in favour of what is generally called stink, as those nations are in a state of nature, undiborched by luxury, unseduced by whim and caprice, that he had reason to believe the sterk oraceous flavour, condemned by prejudice as a stink, was in fact most agreeable to the organs of smelling, for that every person who pretended to nauseate the smell of another's excretions snuffed up his own with particular complacency, for the truth of which he appealed to all the ladies and gentlemen then present. He said the inhabitants of Madrid and Edinburgh found particular satisfaction in breathing their own atmosphere, which was always impregnated with sterk oraceous effluvia. That the learned Dr. B., in his treatise on the Four Digestions, explains in what manner the volatile effluvia from the intestines stimulate and promote the operations of the animal economy. He affirmed the last grand duke of Tuscany, of the Medici's family who refined upon sensuality with the spirit of a philosopher, was so delighted with that odour that he caused the essence of odour to be extracted, and used it as the most delicious perfume. That he himself, the doctor, when he happened to be low-spirited or fatigued with business, found immediate relief and uncommon satisfaction from hanging over the stale contents of a close stool while his servant stirred it about under his nose. Nor was this effect to be wondered at when we considered that this substance abounds with the self-same volatile salts that are so greedily smelled to by the most delicate invalids after they have been extracted and sublimed by the chemists. By this time the company began to hold their noses, but the doctor, without taking the least notice of this signal, proceeded to show that many fetid substances were not only agreeable but salutary, such as asafetida and other medicinal gums, resins, roots and vegetables over and above burnt feathers, tampits, candle snuffs, etc. In short he used many learned arguments to persuade his audience out of their senses, and from stench made a transition to filth, which he affirmed was also a mistaken idea, in as much as objects so called were no other than certain modifications of matter, consisting of the same principles that enter into the composition of all created essences, whatever they may be, that in the filthiest production of nature a philosopher considered nothing but the earth, water, salt and air of which it was compounded, that for his own part he had no more objections to drinking the dirtiest ditch water than he had to a glass of water from the hot well, provided he was assured there was nothing poisonous in the concrete. Then, addressing himself to my uncle, Sir, said he, you seem to be of a dropsicle habit, and probably will soon have a confirmed ascites. If I should be present when you are tapped, I will give you a convincing proof of what I assert by drinking without hesitation the water that comes out of your abdomen. The ladies made rye faces at this declaration, and my uncle, changing colour, told him he did not desire any such proof of his philosophy. But I should be glad to know, said he, what makes you think I am of a dropsicle habit? Sir, I beg pardon, replied the doctor, I perceive your ankles are swelled, and you seem to have the facche's lucoflegmatica. Perhaps indeed your disorder may be edematous or gouty, or it may be the louis veneria. If you have any reason to flatter yourself it is this last, sir, I will undertake to cure you with three small pills, even if the disease should have attained its utmost inveteracy. Sir, it is an arcane on which I have discovered and prepared with infinite labour. Sir, I have lately cured a woman in Bristol, a common prostitute, sir, who had got all the worst symptoms of the disorder, such as nodi, toffee, and gummata, veruca, cristogalli, and a sapidgenous eruption, or rather a pocky itch, all over her body. By the time she had taken the second pill, sir, by heaven, she was as smooth as my hand, and the third made her sound and as fresh as a newborn infant. Sir, I have no reason to flatter myself that my disorder comes within the efficacy of your nostrum, but this patient you talk of may not be so sound at bottom as you imagine. I can't possibly be mistaken, rejoined the philosopher, for I have had communication with her three times. I always ascertain my cures in that manner. At this remark all the ladies retired to another corner of the room, and some of them began to spit. As to my uncle, though he was ruffled at first by the doctors saying he was dropsical, he could not help smiling at this ridiculous confession, and I suppose with a view to punish this original told him there was a wart upon his nose that looked a little suspicious. I don't pretend to be a judge of those matters, said he, but I understand that warts are often produced by the distemper, and that one upon your nose seems to have taken possession of the very keystone of the bridge, which I hope is in no danger of falling. El seemed a little confounded at this remark, and assured him it was nothing but a common excrescence of the cuticular, but that the bones were all sound below, for the truth of this assertion he appealed to the touch, desiring he would feel the part. My uncle said it was some matter of such delicacy to meddle with a gentleman's nose that he declined the office, upon which the doctor, turning to me, entreated me to do him that favour. I complied with his request, and handled it so roughly that he sneezed, and the tears ran down his cheeks, to the no small entertainment of the company, and particularly of my uncle, who burst out laughing for the first time since I have been with him, and took notice that the part seemed to be very tender. Sir, cried the doctor, it is naturally a tender part, but to remove all possibility of doubt I will take off the wart this very night. So saying he bowed with great solemnity all round, and retired to his own lodgings, where he applied a caustic to the wart. But it spread in such a manner as to produce a considerable inflammation, attended with an enormous swelling, so that when he next appeared, his whole face was overshadowed by this tremendous nozzle, and the rueful eagerness with which he explained this unlucky accident was ludicrous beyond all description. I was much pleased with meeting the original of a character which you and I have often laughed at in description, and what surprises me very much, I find the features in the picture which has been drawn for him rather softened than overcharged. As I have something else to say, and this letter has run to an unconscionable length, I shall now give you a little respite, and trouble you again by the very first post. I wish you would take it in your head to retaliate these double strokes upon yours always. J. Melford. End of Section 11. Section 12 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Martin Giesen. The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett. Section 12. Two Sir Watkin Phillips of Jesus College, Oxford. Hotwell, April 20th. Dear Knight, I now sit down to execute the threat in the tale of my last. The truth is, I am big with the secret, and long to be delivered. It relates to my guardian, who you know is at present our principal object in view. To the day I thought I had detected him in such a state of frailty, as would but ill become his years and character. There is a decent sort of woman, not disagreeable in her person, that comes to the well, with a poor emaciated child far gone in a consumption. I had caught my uncle's eyes several times directed to this person, with a very suspicious expression in them, and every time he saw himself observed, he hastily withdrew them with evident marks of confusion. I resolved to watch him more narrowly, and saw him speaking to her privately in a corner of the walk. At length, going down to the well one day, I met her half way up the hill to Clifton, and could not help suspecting she was going to our lodgings by appointment, as it was about one o'clock, the hour when my sister and I are generally at the pump-room. This notion exciting my curiosity, I returned by a back way, and got unperceived into my own chamber, which is contiguous to my uncle's apartment. Sure enough, the woman was introduced, but not into his bed-chamber. He gave her audience in a parlour, so that I was obliged to shift my station to another room, where, however, there was a small chink in the partition, through which I could perceive what passed. My uncle, though a little lame, rose up when she came in, and, setting a chair for her, desired she would sit down. Then he asked if she would take a dish of chocolate, which she declined, with much acknowledgement. After a short pause, he said in a croaking tone of voice which confounded me not a little, Madam, I am truly concerned for your misfortunes, and if this trifle can be of any service to you, I beg you will accept it without ceremony." So, saying, he put a bit of paper into her hand, which she, opening with great trepidation, exclaimed in an ecstasy, Twenty pounds! Oh, sir! and, sinking down upon a setty, fainted away. Frightened at this fit, and, I suppose, afraid of calling for assistance, lest her situation should give rise to unfavourable conjectures, he ran about the rom in distraction, making frightful grimaces, and at length had recollection enough to throw a little water in her face, by which application she was brought to herself, but then her feeling took another turn. She shed a flood of tears, and cried aloud, I know not who you are, but sure, worthy sir, generous sir, the distress of me and my poor dying child. Oh, if the widow's prayers, if the orphan's tears of gratitude can auto-vail, Gracious Providence, blessings, shower down eternal blessings! Here she was interrupted by my uncle, who muttered in a voice still more and more discordant. For heaven's sake be quiet, madam, consider the people of the house. Death, can't you? All this time she was struggling to throw herself on her knees, while he, seizing her by the wrists, endeavoured to seat her upon the setty, saying, Pretty, good now, hold your tongue! At that instant, who should burst into the room but our aunt Tabby, of all antiquated maidens the most diabolically capricious? Ever prying into other people's affairs, she had seen the woman enter, and followed her to the door, where she stood listening. But probably could hear nothing distinctly, except my uncle's last exclamation, at which she bounded into the parlour in a violent rage, that died the tip of her nose of a purple hue. Fire upon you, met, cried she. What doings are these, to disgrace your own character and disparage your family? Then, snatching the bank-note out of the stranger's hand, she went on. How now, twenty pounds! Here is temptation with a witness. Good woman, go about your business. Brother, brother, I know not which most to admire, your concupiscence or your extravagance. Could God, exclaimed the poor woman, shall a worthy gentleman's character suffer for an action that does honour to humanity? By this time uncle's indignation was effectually roused. His face grew pale, his teeth chattered and his eyes flashed. Sister, cried he in a voice like thunder, I vow to God your impotence is exceedingly provoking. With these words he took her by the hand and opening the door of communication thrust her into the chamber where I stood, so affected by the scene that the tears ran down my cheeks. Observing these marks of emotion, I don't wonder, said she, to see your concern at the backslidings of so near a relation, a man of his years and infirmities. These are fine doings truly. This is a rare example set by a guardian for the benefit of his pupils. Monstrous, incongruous, sofisticle! I thought it was but an act of justice to set her to rights, and therefore explained the mystery. But she would not be undeceived. What! said she, would you go for to offer for to occupy me out of my senses? Didn't I hear him whispering to her to hold her tongue? Didn't I see her in tears? Didn't I see him struggling to throw her upon the couch? O filthy, hideous, abominable! Child, child, talk not to me of charity. Who gives twenty pounds in charity? But you are a stripling. You know nothing of the world. Besides, charity begins at home. Twenty pounds would buy me a complete suit of flowered silk, trimmings, and all. In short, I quitted the room, my contempt for her, and my respect for her brother, being increased in the same proportion. I have since been informed that the person who my uncle so generously relieved is the widow of an ensign, who has nothing to depend upon but the pension of fifteen pounds a year. The people of the well-house give her an excellent character. She lodges in a garret, and works very hard at plain work to support her daughter, who is dying of a consumption. I must own to my shame. I feel a strong inclination to follow my uncle's example in relieving this poor widow. But, betwixt friends, I am afraid of being detected in a weakness that might entail the ridicule of the company upon, dear Phillips, yours always, J.Melford. Direct your next to me at Bath, and remember me to all our fellow Jesuits. End of Section 12 There are mysteries in physics as well as in religion, which we of the profane have no right to investigate. A man must not presume to use his reason unless he has studied the categories and can chop logic by mode and figure. Between friends, I think every man of tolerable parts ought, at my time of day, to be both physician and lawyer as far as his own constitution and property are concerned. For my own part, I have had in hospital these fourteen years within myself and studied my own case with the most painful attention. Consequently may be supposed to know something of the matter, although I have not taken regular courses of physiology, etc., etc. In short, I have for some time been of opinion, no offense, dear doctor, that the sum of all your medical discoveries amounts to this, that the more you study the less you know. I have read all that has been written on the hot wells, and what I can collect from the whole is that the water contains nothing but a little salt and calcarius earth mixed in such inconsiderable proportion as can have very little, if any, effect on the animal economy. This being the case, I think the man deserves to be fitted with a cap and bells who, for such a paltry advantage as this spring affords, sacrifices his precious time, might be employed in taking more effectual remedies, and exposes himself to the dirt, the stench, the chilling blasts and perpetual rains that render this place to me intolerable. If these waters, from a small degree of astringency, are of some service in the diabetes, diarrhea, and night sweats when the secretions are too much increased, must not they do harm in the same proportion where the humors are obstructed as in the asthma, scurvy, and dropsy? Now we talk of the dropsy. Here is a strange fantastical oddity, one of your brethren, who harangs every day in the pump room as if he was hired to give lectures on all subjects whatsoever. I know now what to make of him. Sometimes he makes shrewd remarks. At other times he talks like the greatest simpleton in nature. He has read a great deal, but without method or judgment, and digested nothing. He believes everything he has read, especially if it has anything of the marvellous in it, and his conversation is a surprising hodgepodge of erudition and extravagance. He told me to the other day with great confidence that my case was dropsy-cle, or as he called it, leukoflegmatic, a sure sign that his want of experience is equal to his presumption. For, you know, there is nothing analogous to the dropsy in my disorder. I wish those impertinent fellows with their rickety understandings would keep their advice for those that ask it. Dropsy, indeed. Sure, I have not lived to the age of fifty-five and had such experience of my own disorder, and consulted you and other eminent physicians so often and so long to be undeceived by such a— But without all doubt the man is mad, and therefore what he says is of no consequence. I had yesterday a visit from Higgins, who came hither under the terror of your threats, and brought me in a present embrace of hairs, which he owned he took in my ground, and I could not persuade the fellow that he did wrong or that I would ever prosecute him for poaching. I must desire you will wink hard at the practices of this rest scallion, otherwise I shall be plagued with his presence, which cost me more than they are worth. If I could wonder at anything Fitz-Owen does, I should be surprised at his assurance in desiring you to solicit my vote for him at the next election for the county. For him who opposed me on the like occasion with the most illiberal competition, you may tell him civilly that I beg to be excused. Direct your next for me at Bath, whither I propose to remove tomorrow, not only on my own account, but for the sake of my niece Liddy who is like to relapse. The poor creature fell into a fit yesterday while I was cheapening a pair of spectacles with a Jew peddler. I'm afraid there is something still lurking in that little heart of hers, which I hope a change of objects will remove. Let me know what you think of this half-witted doctor's impertinent, ridiculous, and absurd notion of my disorder. So far from being drop-sicle, I am as lank in the belly as a grey hound, and by measuring my ankle with a pack-thread I find the swelling subsides every day. From such doctors good Lord deliver us. I have not yet taken any lodgings in Bath because there we can be accommodated at a minute's warning and I shall choose for myself. I need not say your directions for drinking in Bath and will be agreeable to, dear Louis, yours ever, Matt Bramble. P.S., I forgot to tell you that my right ankle pits a symptom as I take it of its being edematous, not leukoflugmatic. End of Section 13 Section 14 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett Section 14 To Miss Letty Willis at Gloucester Hotwell, April 21st My dear Letty, I did not intend to trouble you again till we should be settled at Bath, but having the occasion of Jarvis, I could not let it slip, especially as I have something extraordinary to communicate. Oh, my dear companion, what shall I tell you? For several days past there was a Jew-looking man that plied at the wells with a box of spectacles and he always eyed me so earnestly that I began to be very uneasy. At last he came to our lodging set Clifton and fingered about the door that he wanted to speak to somebody. I was seized with an odd kind of fluttering and begged Win to throw herself in his way, but the poor girl has weak nerves and was afraid of his beard. My uncle, having occasion for new glasses, called him upstairs and was trying a pair of spectacles when the man, advancing to me, said in a whisper, Oh gracious, what do you think he said? I'm Wilson. His features struck me at that very moment. It was Wilson, sure enough, but so disguised that it would have been impossible to know him if my heart had not assisted in the discovery. I was so surprised and so frightened that I fainted away, but soon recovered and found myself supported by him on the chair while my uncle was running about the room with the spectacles on his nose, calling for help. I had no opportunity to speak to him, but looks were sufficiently expressive. He was paid for his glasses and went away. Then I told Win who he was and sent her after him to the pump room, where she spoke to him and begged him in my name to withdraw from the place that he might not incur the suspicion of my uncle or my brother if he did not want to see me die of terror and vexation. The poor youth declared with tears in his eyes that he had something extraordinary to communicate and asked if she would deliver a letter to me, but this she absolutely refused by my order. Finding her obstinate and her refusal, he desired she would tell me that he was no longer a player but a gentleman in which character he would very soon avow his passion for me without fear of censure or reproach. Nay, he even discovered his name and family which, to my great grief, the simple girl forgot in the confusion occasioned by her being seen talking to him by my brother who stopped her on the road and asked what business he had with the drascally Jew. She pretended she was cheapening a stay hook but was thrown into such a quandary that she forgot the most material part of the information. And when she came home went into an hysteric fit of laughing. This transaction happened three days ago during which he has not appeared so that I suppose he has gone. Dear Letty, you see how fortune takes pleasure in persecuting your poor friend. If you should see him at Gloucester or if you have seen him and know his real name and family pray keep me no longer in suspense and yet if he is under no obligation to keep himself longer concealed and has a real affection for me I should hope he will, in a little time, declare himself to my relations. Sure, if there is nothing unsuitable in the match they won't be so cruel as to thwart my inclinations. Oh, what happiness would then be my portion? I can't help indulging the thought and pleasing my fancy with such agreeable ideas which, after all, perhaps will never be realized but why should I despair? Who knows what will happen? We set out for bath tomorrow and I am almost sorry for it as I begin to be in love with solitude and this is a charming romantic place. The air is so pure the downs are so agreeable the first in full blossom the ground enamoured with daisies and primroses and cow slips all the trees bursting into leaves and the hedges already clothed with their vernal livery the mountains covered with flocks of sheep and tender-bleeding wanton lamkins playing, frisking and kipping from side to side the glass resound with the notes of blackbird thrush and linnet all day long sweet Philomel pours forth her ravishingly delightful song then, for variety we go down to the nymph of Bristol Spring where the company is assembled before dinner so good-natured, so free, so easy and there we drink the water so clear so pure, so mild, so charmingly mockish there the fun is so cheerful and reviving the weather so soft the walk so agreeable the prospect so amusing and the ships and boats going up and down the river close under the windows of the pump room offered such an enchanting variety of moving pictures as require a much abler pen than mine to describe to make this place a perfect paradise to me nothing is wanting but an agreeable companion and sincere friend such as my dear Miss Willis had been and I hope still will be to her ever-faithful Lydia Malford direct for me, still undercover, to win and Jarvis will take care to convey it safe adieu end of section 14 section 15 of the expedition of Humphry Clinker this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Martin Giesen the expedition of Humphry Clinker by Tobias Smollett section 15 to Sir Watkin Phillips of Jesus College, Oxford Bath, April 24th Dear Phillips you have indeed reason to be surprised I should have concealed my correspondence with Miss Blackaby from you to whom I disclosed all my other connections of that nature but the truth is I never dreamed of any such commerce till your last informed me that it had produced something which could not be much longer concealed it is a lucky circumstance however that her reputation will not suffer any detriment I would rather derive advantage from the discovery which will prove at least that it is not quite so rotten as most people imagined for my own part I declare to you in all the sincerity of friendship but far from having any amorous intercourse with the object in question I never had the least acquaintance with her person but if she is really in the condition you describe I suspect Mansel to be at the bottom of the hole his visits to that shrine were no secret and this attachment added to some good offices which you know he has done me since I left Alma Mater give me a right to believe him capable of saddling me with this scandal when my back was turned nevertheless if my name can be of any service to him he is welcome to make use of it and if the woman should be abandoned enough to swear his bandling to me I must beg the favour of you to compound with the parish I shall pay the penalty without repining and you will be so good as to draw upon me immediately for the sum required on this occasion I act by the advice of my uncle who says I shall have good luck if I pass through life without being obliged to make many more compositions of the same kind the old gentleman told me last night with great good humour that betwixt the age of twenty and forty he had been obliged to provide for nine bastards sworn to him by women whom he never saw Mr Bramble's character which seems to interest you greatly opens and improves upon me every day his singularities afford a rich mine of entertainment his understanding, so far as I can judge is well cultivated his observations on life are equally just pertinent and uncommon he affects misanthropy in order to conceal the sensibility of a heart which is tender even to a degree of weakness this delicacy of feeling or sawness of the mind makes him timorous and fearful but then he is afraid of nothing so much as of dishonour and although he is exceedingly cautious of giving offence he will fire at the least hint of insolence or ill-breeding respectable as he is upon the whole I can't help being sometimes diverted by his little distresses which provoke him to let fly the shafts of his satire keen and penetrating as the arrows of Tusa our aunt Tabitha acts upon him as a perpetual grindstone she is in all respects a striking contrast to her brother but I reserve her portrait for another occasion three days ago we came hither from the hot well and took possession of the first floor of a lodging-house on the south parade a situation which my uncle chose for its being near the bath and remote from the noise of carriages he was scarce warm in the lodgings when he called for his night-cap, his wide shoes and flannel and declared himself invested with the gout in his right foot though I believe it had as yet reached no farther than his imagination it was not long before he had reason to repent his premature declaration for our aunt Tabitha found means to make such a clamour and confusion before the flannels could be produced from the trunk that one would have imagined the house was on fire all this time uncle sat boiling with impatience spiting his fingers, throwing up his eyes and muttering ejaculations at length he burst into a kind of convulsive laugh after which he hummed a song and when the hurricane was over exclaimed blessed be God for all things this however was but the beginning of his troubles Mistress Tabitha's favourite dog Chowder having paid his compliments to a female turnspit of his own species in the kitchen involved himself in a quarrel with no fewer than five rivals who set upon him at once and drove him upstairs to the dining-room door with hideous noise there our aunt and her woman taking arms in his defence joined the concert which became truly diabolical this fray being with difficulty suppressed by the intervention of our own footmen and the cook maid of the house the squire had just opened his mouth to expostulate with Tabitha when the town waits in the passage below struck up their music if music it may be called with such a sudden burst of sound as made him start and stare with marks of indignation and disquiet he had recollection enough to send his servant with some money to silence those noisy intruders and they were immediately dismissed though not without some opposition on the part of Tabitha who thought it but reasonable that he should have more music for his money scarce had he settled this knotty point when a strange kind of thumping and bouncing was heard right overhead in the second story so loud and violent as to shake the whole building I own I was exceedingly provoked at this new alarm and before my uncle had time to express himself on the subject I ran upstairs to see what was the matter finding the room door open I entered without ceremony and perceived an object which I cannot now recollect without laughing to excess it was a dancing master with his scholar in the act of teaching the master was blind of one eye and lame of one foot and led about the room his pupil who seemed to be about the age of three score mortally was tall raw-boned hard-favoured with a woollen nightcap on his head and he had stripped off his coat that he might be more nimble in his motions finding himself intruded upon by a person he did not know he forthwith girded himself with a long iron sword and advancing to me with a peremptory air pronounced in a true hibernian accent Mr. Watchekalm, by my solemn conscience I am very glad to say you if you're after coming in the way of friendship and indeed and indeed now I believe you are my friend sure enough, grah though I never had the honour to say your face before my dear for because you come like a friend without any ceremony atal atal I told him the nature of my visit would not admit of ceremony that I was come to desire he would make less noise as there was a sick gentleman below whom he had no right to disturb with such preposterous doings why look he now young gentleman replied this original perhaps upon another occasion I might shivil you request you to explain the meaning of that hard word preposterous but there's a time for all things honey so saying he passed me with great agility and running downstairs found our footman at the dining room door of whom he demanded admittance to pay his respect to the stranger as the fellow did not think proper to refuse the request of such a formidable figure he was immediately introduced and addressed himself to my uncle in these words you're humble servant good sore I'm not so preposterous as your son calls it but I know the rules of shivility I'm a poor knight of Ireland my name is Eulich McKillicut of the county of Galway being your fellow lodger I'm come to pay my respects and to welcome you to the south parade and to offer my best services to you your good lady and your pretty daughter and even to the young gentleman your son though he thinks me a preposterous fellow you must know I am to have the honour to open a bar next door tomorrow with Lady McManus and being rusted in my dancing I was refreshing my memory with a little exercise but if I had known there was a sick person below by Christ I would have sooner danced a hornpipe upon my own head than walk the softest minuet over yours my uncle who was not a little startled at his first appearance received his compliment with great complacency insisted upon his being seated thanked him for the honour of his visit and reprimanded me for my abrupt expostulation with a gentleman of his rank and character thus tutored I asked pardon of the knight who forthwith starting up embraced me so close that I could hardly breathe and assured me he loved me as his own soul at length recollecting his nightcap he pulled it off in some confusion and with his bald paint uncovered made a thousand apologies to the ladies as he retired at that instant the abbey bells began to ring so loud that we could not hear one another speak and this peel as we afterwards learned was for the honour of Mr. Bullock an eminent cowkeeper of Tottenham who had just arrived at Bath to drink the waters for indigestion Mr. Bramble had not time to make his remarks upon the agreeable nature of this serenade before his ears were saluted with another concert that interested him more nearly two negroes belonging to a Creole gentleman who lodged in the same house taking their station at a window in the staircase about ten feet from our dining-room door began to practice upon the French horn and being in the very first rudiments of execution produced such discordant sounds as might have discomposed the organs of an ass you may guess what effect they had upon the irritable nerves of Uncle who with the most admirable expression of splenetic surprise in his countenance sent his man to silence these dreadful blasts and desire the musicians to practice in some other place as they had no right to stand there and disturb all the lodgers in the house those sable performers far from taking the hint and withdrawing treated the messenger with great insolence bidding him carry his compliments to their master Colonel Rigworm who would give him a proper answer and a good drumming into the bargain in the meantime they continued their noise and even endeavored to make it more disagreeable laughing between wiles at the thoughts of being able to torment their betters with impunity our squire incensed at the additional insult immediately dispatched the servant with his compliments to Colonel Rigworm requesting that he would order his blacks to be quiet as the noise they made was altogether intolerable to this message the Creole Colonel replied that his horns had a right to sound on a common staircase that there they should play for his diversion and that those who did not like the noise might look for lodgings elsewhere Mr. Bramble no sooner received this reply than his eyes began to glisten his face grew pale and his teeth chattered after a moment's pause he slipped on his shoes without speaking a word or seeming to feel any further disturbance from the gout in his toes then snatching his cane he opened the door and proceeded to the place where the black trumpeters were posted there without further hesitation he began to belabor them both and exerted himself with such astonishing vigor and agility that both their heads and horns were broken in a twinkling and they ran howling downstairs to their master's parlour door the squire following them halfway called aloud that their Colonel might hear him go rascals and tell your master what I have done if he thinks himself injured he knows where to come for satisfaction as for you this is but an earnest of what you shall receive if ever you presume to blow a horn again here while I stay in the house so saying he retired to his apartment in expectation of hearing from the West Indian but the Colonel prudently declined any further prosecution of the dispute my sister Liddy was frightened into a fit from which she was no sooner recovered than Mistress Tabitha began a lecture upon patience which her brother interrupted with the most significant grin true sister, God increase my patience and your discretion I wonder, and did he, what sort of sonata we are to expect from this overture in which the devil that presides over horrid sounds has given us such variations of discord the trampling of porters, the creaking and crashing of trunks the snarling of currs, the scolding of women the squeaking and squarling of fiddles and hoe-boys out of tune the bouncing of the Irish baronet overhead and the bursting belching and brackling of the French horns in the passage not to mention the harmonious peel that still thunders from the abbey steeple succeeding one another without interruption like the different parts of the same concert have given me such an idea of what a poor invalid has to expect in this temple dedicated to silence and repose that I shall certainly shift my quarters to-morrow and endeavour to effectuate my retreat before Sir Ulick opens the bore with my Lady MacManus a conjunction that bodes me no good this intimation was by no means agreeable to Mistress Tabitha whose ears were not quite so delicate as those of her brother she said it would be great folly to move from such agreeable lodgings the moment they were comfortably settled she wondered he should be such an enemy to music and mirth she heard no noise but of his own making it was impossible to manage a family in dumb show he might harp as long as he pleased upon her scolding but she never scolded except for his advantage but he would never be satisfied even though she should sweat blood and water in his service I have a great notion that our aunt who is now declining into the most desperate state of celibacy had formed some design upon the heart of Sir Ulick MacKilligut which she feared might be frustrated by our abrupt departure from these lodgings her brother eyeing her escance pardon me sister said he I should be a savage indeed were I insensible of my own felicity in having such a mild complacent good-humoured and considerate companion and housekeeper but as I have got a weak head and my sense of hearing is painfully acute before I have recourse to plugs of wool and cotton I'll try whether I can't find another lodging where I shall have more quiet and less music he accordingly dispatched his man upon this service and next day he found a small house in Milsham Street which he hires by the week here at least we enjoy convenience and quiet within doors as much as Tabby's temper will allow but the squire still complains of flying pains in the stomach and head for which he bathes and drinks the waters he is not so bad however but that he goes in person to the pump the rooms and the coffee-houses where he picks up continual food for ridicule and satire if I can glean anything for your amusement either from his observation or my own you shall have it freely though I am afraid it will poorly compensate the trouble of reading these tedious insipid letters of dear Phillips yours always J. Melford End of Section 15 Section 16 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Deborah Lynn The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett Section 16 To Dr. Lewis Bath, April 23 Dear Doctor If I did not know that the exercise of your profession has habituated you to the hearing of complaints I should make a conscience of troubling you with my correspondence which may be truly called the Lamentations of Matthew Bramble Yet I cannot help thinking I have some right to discharge the overflowing of my spleen upon you whose province it is to remove those disorders that occasioned it and let me tell you it is no small alleviation of my grievances that I have a sensible friend to whom I can communicate my crusty humors which, by retention, would grow intolerably acrimonious You must know I find nothing but disappointment at Bath which is so altered that I can scarce believe it is the same place that I frequented about thirty years ago Me thinks I hear you say altered it is without all doubt but then it is altered for the better a truth which perhaps you would own without hesitation if you yourself was not altered for the worse The reflection may, for ought I know, be just The inconveniences which I overlooked in the high day of health will naturally strike with exaggerated impression on the irritable nerves of an invalid surprised by premature old age and shattered with long suffering but I believe you will not deny that this place which nature and providence seem to have intended as a resource from distemper and disquiet has become the very center of racket and dissipation Instead of that peace, tranquility, and ease so necessary to those who labor under bad health weak nerves and irregular spirits here we have nothing but noise, tumult, and hurry with the fatigue and slavery of maintaining a ceremonial more stiff, formal, and oppressive than the etiquette of a German elector a national hospital it may be but one would imagine that none but lunatics are admitted and truly I will give you leave to call me so if I stay much longer at Bath but I shall take another opportunity to explain my sentiments at greater length on this subject I was impatient to see the boasted improvements in architecture for which the upper parts of the town have been so much celebrated until the day I made a circuit of all the new buildings the square, though irregular, is on the whole pretty well laid out, spacious, open, and airy and in my opinion by far the most wholesome and agreeable situation in Bath especially the upper side of it but the avenues to it are mean, dirty, dangerous, and indirect its communication with the Baths is through the yard of an inn where the poor trembling valitudinarian is carried in a chair betwixt the heels of a double row of horses wincing under the currycombs of grooms and pastillions over and above the hazard of being obstructed are overturned by the carriages which are continually making their exit or their entrance I suppose after some chairmen shall have been maimed and a few lives lost by those accidents the corporation will think in earnest about providing a more safe and commodious passage the circus is a pretty bobble contrived for choux and looks like the spacious amp that the itter turned outside in if we consider it in point of magnificence the great number of small doors belonging to the separate houses the inconsiderable height of the different orders the affected ornaments of the architrave which are both childish and misplaced and the areas projecting into the streets surrounded with iron rails destroy a good part of its effect upon the eye and perhaps we shall find it still more defective if we view it in the light of convenience the figure of each separate dwelling house being the segment of a circle must spoil the symmetry of the rooms by contracting them towards the street windows and leaving a larger sweep in the space behind if instead of the areas and iron rails which seem to be a very little use there had been a corridor with arcades all round as in Covent Garden the appearance of the whole would have been more magnificent and striking those arcades would have afforded an agreeable covered walk and sheltered the poor chairmen and their carriages from the rain which is here almost perpetual at present the chairs stand soaking in the open street morning to night till they become so many boxes of wet leather for the benefit of the gaudy and rheumatic who are transported in them from place to place indeed this is a shocking inconvenience that extends over the whole city and I am persuaded it produces infinite mischief to the delicate and infirm even the closed chairs contrived for the sick by standing in the open air have their freeze linings impregnated like so many sponges with the moisture of the atmosphere those cases of cold vapor must give a charming check to the perspiration of a patient piping a lot from the bath with all his pores wide open but to return to the circus it is inconvenient from its situation at so great a distance from all the markets baths and places of public entertainment the only entrance to it through Gay Street is so difficult, steep and slippery that in wet weather it must be exceedingly dangerous both for those that ride in carriages and those that walk a foot and when the street is covered with snow as it was for 15 days successively this very winter I don't see how any individual could go either up or down without the most imminent hazard of broken bones in blowing weather I am told most of the houses in this hill are smothered with smoke forced down the chimneys by the gusts of wind reverberated from the hill behind which I apprehend likewise must render the atmosphere here more humid and unwholesome than it is in the square below for the clouds formed by the constant evaporation from the baths and rivers in the bottom will in their ascent this way be first attracted and detained by the hill that rises close behind the circus and load the air with a perpetual succession of vapors this point however may be easily ascertained by means of an hygrometer or a paper of salt of tartar exposed to the action of the atmosphere the same artist who planned the circus has likewise projected a crescent when that is finished we shall probably have a star and those who are living 30 years hence may perhaps see all the signs of the zodiac exhibited in architecture at bath these however fantastical are still designs that denote some ingenuity and knowledge in the architect but the rage of building has laid hold on such a number of adventurers that one sees new houses starting up in every outlet and every corner of bath contrived without judgment executed without solidity and stuck together with so little regard to plan and propriety that the different lines of the new rows and buildings interfere with and intersect one another in every different angle of conjunction they look like the wreck of streets and squares disjointed by an earthquake which has broken the ground into a variety of holes and hillocks or as if some gothic devil had stuffed them all together in a bag and left them to stand higgledy-piggledy just a chance directed what sort of a monster bath will become in a few years with those growing excrescences maybe easily conceived but the want of beauty and proportion is not the worst effect of these new mansions they are built so slight with the soft crumbling stone found in this neighborhood that I shall never sleep quietly in one of them when it blowed full of wind and I am persuaded that my hind, Roger Williams or any man of equal strength would be able to push his foot through the strongest part of their walls without any great exertion of his muscles all these absurdities arise from the general tide of luxury which hath overspread the nation and swept away all even the very dregs of the people every upstart of fortune harnessed in the trappings of the mode presents himself at bath with the very focus of observation clerks and factors from the East Indies loaded with the spoil of plundered provinces planters, negro drivers and hucksters from our American plantations enriched they know not how agents, commissaries and contractors who hath fattened in two successive wars on the blood of the nation users, brokers and jobbers of every kind men of low berth and no breeding hath found themselves suddenly translated into a state of affluence unknown to former ages and no wonder that their brains should be intoxicated with pride vanity and presumption knowing no other criterion of greatness but the ostentation of wealth they discharged their affluence without taste or conduct through every channel of the most absurd extravagance and all of them hurried to bath because here without any further qualification they could mingle with the princes and nobles of the land even the wives and daughters of low tradesmen who like shovel-nosed sharks prey upon the blubber of those uncouth whales of fortune are infected with the same rage of displaying their importance and the slightest indisposition serves them for a pretext to insist upon being conveyed to bath where they may hobble country dances and coutillions among lordlings, squires, counselors and clergy these delicate creatures from Bedfordbury Butcherrow, Crutched Friars and Botolf Lane cannot breathe in the gross air of the lower town or conform to the vulgar rules of a common lodging house the husband therefore must provide an entire house or elegant apartments in the new buildings such as the composition of what is called the fashionable company at bath where a very inconsiderable proportion of gentile people are lost in a mob of impudent plebeians who have neither understanding nor judgment nor the least idea of propriety and decorum and seem to enjoy nothing so much as an opportunity of insulting their betters Thus the number of people and the number of houses continue to increase and this will ever be the case till the streams that swallow this irresistible torrent of folly and extravagance shall either be exhausted or turned into other channels by incidents and events which I do not pretend to foresee This I own is a subject on which I cannot write with any degree of patience For the mob is a monster I never could abide either in its head, tail, midriff or members I detest the whole of it as a mass of ignorance, presumption, malice and brutality and in this term of reprobation I include without respect of rank, station or quality all those of both sexes who affected its manners and courted society But I have written till my fingers are cramped and my nausea begins to return By your advice I sent to London a few days ago for half a pound of Genzing Though I doubt much whether that which comes from America is equally efficacious with what is brought from the East Indies Some years ago a friend of mine paid sixteen guineas for two ounces of it and in six months after it was sold in the same shop for five shillings the pound In short we live in a vile world of fraud and sophistication so that I know nothing of equal value with the genuine friendship of a sensible man a rare jewel which I cannot help thinking myself in possession of while I repeat the old declaration that I am as usual, dear Lewis your affectionate M. Bramble After having been agitated in a short hurricane on my first arrival I have taken a small house in Milsham Street where I am tolerably well lodged for five guineas a week I was yesterday at the pump room without a pint of water which seems to agree with my stomach and tomorrow morning I shall bathe for the first time so that in a few posts you may expect farther trouble Meanwhile I am glad to find that the inoculation has succeeded so well with poor Joyce and that her face will be but little marked If my friend Sir Thomas was a single man I would not trust such a handsome wench in his family but as I have recommended her in a particular manner to the protection who is one of the best women in the world she may go further without hesitation as soon as she is quite recovered and fit for service Let her mother have money to provide her with necessaries and she may ride behind her brother on bucks but she must lay strong injunctions on Jack to take particular care of the trusty old veteran who has faithfully earned his present ease by his past services End of section