 The Jack Benny program, transcribed, presented by Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, go lucky, strike, be happy, go lucky, go lucky, strike, today. When April showers start to fall, I never do complain. With better tasting Lucky Strike, I sing right in the rain. And you'll sing for joy, because Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette. I've made smoking Tescalore, and each time I agree, no smoke tastes like a Lucky Strike plus LSMT. You'll agree too, Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, go lucky, strike, be happy, go lucky, go lucky, strike, today. When Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette, and here's the reason. Fine tobacco and only fine tobacco always gives you the enjoyment of a better tasting cigarette. And LSMFT, Lucky Strike, means fine tobacco. Tobacco that smokes smooth and mild, that gives you better taste with every puff. And what's more, every Lucky you light is guaranteed. Yes, of all the major brands, Lucky Strike and Lucky Strike alone has an unconditional guarantee right on the pack. So for everything you want in a cigarette, for complete smoking enjoyment, be happy, go lucky, make your next carton Lucky Strike. You'll agree, Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette. Be happy, go lucky, go lucky. Remember, Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette. Strike program starring Jack Belly with Barry Livingston, Philaris Rochester, Dennis Day, the sportsman, Quartet, and yours truly, Don Rowe. Ladies and gentlemen, Spring is here. But to prove to you that the weather in California is always warm and sunny, we bring you one of our satisfied residents. Ah, listen to that little birdie singing. It's spring, so let's go out to Jack Belly's house in Beverly Hills, where we find Rochester cleaning the house. Darn this dust. Comas must have pulled out the plug. Rochester, say you really got the house clean. Thanks. I was just out in the yard looking at the swimming pool. And Rochester, I think tomorrow you can turn the water on and fill it. But boss, I thought you said... I know, but if it hasn't rained by this time, it's not going. Sometimes I think that... I'll get it, Rochester. Hello, Jack. Oh, hello, Mary. Say you're kind of early. We're not supposed to leave for the circus for nearly an hour. I know, Jack, but it's such a beautiful day. I left the house early and walked over. Oh. And as I came down Sunset Boulevard, some fresh guy pulled up to the curb and offered me a ride. No. Yeah, he thought he was smart just because he had a new Cadillac convertible. Yeah. She was windy with the top down. Mary, you mean that you accepted a ride from a total stranger? Why, that's... Oh, for heaven's sake, Jack, I'm kidding. Kidding? Certainly. You don't think I'm the type of girl who lets herself get picked up by any guy in an auto? I don't know. That's how you met me. I'll laugh some way. Say, Mary, what's... say, Mary, what's that in your hand? Oh, it's a letter from Mama. I thought you'd want to see it. A letter from your mother, eh? Well, what does nobody's friend Irma have to say? I'll read it to you. My darling daughter, Mary, we are all very glad that you're over your five weeks illness and are peering on Jack's program again. But it must be discouraged and go from unemployment insurance back to your regular salary. There's not enough difference to talk about. Your sister, Babe, has been home for a couple of weeks and, frankly, she's a little conceited because she replaced you on Jack's program. Now she wants them to put a star on her locker at the slaughterhouse. Mary, Mary, Babe is now working in a slaughterhouse? Yes. She's known as hit-em-in-the-head Livingston. But, Mary... Oh, Jack, let me finish the letter, please. All right. Go ahead, kid. Last night, we went... You don't generally get this much to do, you know. Go ahead. Last night, we went to a going-away party for your cousin, Melvin. It was a nice affair, but I think it was silly of Melvin to put on a sailor suit just because you're sending him up the river. Babe works in a slaughterhouse? You know, Mary, your mother writes such a funny letter. Excuse me. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. I'm sorry I'm late. You're not late. You're early. I am. Yes. Jesus, daylight saving time has got me confused. Daylight saving time? Dennis, you're not supposed to turn your watch ahead until next Sunday. I forgot to turn it back from last year. Well, then you're really late. Yeah, Merry Christmas. Dennis, you're starting to confuse me already. Now, do me a favor. Will you go out, walk around the block, and come back, come back in again? Okay, goodbye. Jack? It was Dennis. He came in to wish me a Merry Christmas. Why? I don't know. He gets me mixed up, too. I told him to walk around the block. Well, is he going to the circus with us? Yes, the whole gang's going. And I'm also taking some boys from the Beverly Hills Beapers. I better tell Rochester what time I'll be home. Rochester! Yes, boss? I'll be home about six o'clock for dinner, so don't forget to go to the market. I've already been to the market, boss. Oh, what did you buy? I gave you five dollars. Let me see. I bought ten pounds of potatoes, three pounds of butter, two pounds of hamburger, a prime rib roast, eight pork chops, three pounds of bacon, a leg of lamb, and a sirloin steak. Oh, good, good. Where's the change? Oh, did that all come to five dollars? Oh, no, boss. The five dollars ran out after the ham. Well, how'd you get him to give you the pork chops, the bacon, the leg of lamb, and the sirloin steak? I signed a contract. A contract with a butcher shop? Yeah, you're appearing there tonight. I can book you at the Van Nuys A&T. Rochester, don't go booking me for personal appearances. I've got an agent for that. Why do you think I pay him nine percent? Now, look, I want you... I'll get it. Hello? It's me. I'm lost. I'm doing my Christmas shopping. Now, cut that out! And if you want to go to the circus, you better get back here right away. Okay, goodbye. Goodbye. Silly kid. I wonder what he bought for me. Oh, say, Mr. Billy. What is it, Rochester? After I served dinner, can I have the rest of the evening off? Why? We're having a big party on Central Avenue for my friend Jerome, who got drafted. Well, certainly. Wait a minute, Rochester. Your friend Jerome was drafted six months ago, and he's overseas now. Yeah, it's a shame he's gonna miss the party. You can go, but don't stay out all... Oh, that must be Phil. He's going to the circus with us. Hello, Mr. Betty. Dennis. You get here so soon. Not a whole of that. I don't want to get into another routine. And there's something else I want to tell you. Yeah, what? Now, look, Mary's in the living room. Now, you know she was sick for several weeks. Uh-huh. Right now, she's feeling fine, so don't start any of your silly talk with her. I don't want her to have any trouble. Now, when you see her, just say hello. That's all. Just hello. Yes, sir. Jack, what took you so... Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello. Are you going to the circus with us? Hello. Look, Dennis, you can say more than that. I can? Yes. Kiss me, Livy. Dennis. Dennis, look. Look at me. You want to hear the song I'm going to do on the program? That's exactly what I want. Now, let's have it. Okay. Dennis, very good. Oh, it's not bad for a silly kid who has two shows, does personal appearances, and is now making a picture. You're making a picture? Yeah, 20th Century Fox. Gee, you have your own show, personal appearances, and now you're making a picture. When he starts playing meat markets, he'll be as big as you are. How did you know? I bought a pound of liver and you were in the coming attractions. The publicity out already. Yes, Pillar, are you going to the circus with us? Yeah, Jackson, but you better go on ahead because I'm going to be late. Late why? I've been rehearsing my band for a concert tour, and it took longer than I figured. Why, what happened? We ran out of mixism. Jackson, you go on without me. I'll meet you at the circus. Okay, are you going to bring any of your, as it says on the payroll, musicians? Well, except Sammy, my drummer, he hates circuses. Sammy hates circuses? Why? He used to work in one. He was the guy who put his head in the lion's mouth. Why'd he give it up? He didn't give it up, the lion. Sammy's head is the size of a watermelon. Of course, his isn't ripe yet. You're so right. There's someone at the door. I better say goodbye. So long, Jackson. I'll see you at the circus. What a day. The door, the phone, the phone, the door. Oh, I wasn't expecting you, Mr. Collins. Mr. Benny, the Department of Internal Revenue suggested that we visit you once more. You remember my assistant, Herbert Thompson? Yes, yes. How do you do? How do you do? Mr. Benny, we hate to bother you again, and the only reason we continue to do so is because we're trying to help you. I know, I know. You stated that you made $375,000 last year, and we're willing to assume that all you spent for entertainment was $17. Yeah. That's right. But now we've gone into your tax return further, and we feel there are other places you didn't take deductions you were entitled to. Really? Yes, yes. We noticed you prepared your income tax return yourself. Now, when it comes to filling out a return as complicated as yours, you're entitled to the services of an expert accountant, a person who knows more about money matters than you do. Name one. Well, offhand, that would be difficult. Yeah. And now, Mr. Benny, believe me, we're trying to help you. I know, I know. Now, you listed an item of a $50,000 loan with a California bank. That's right, the California bank. Well, you know you can deduct the interest you pay on that loan. Oh, no, I can't. You see, I loaned it to them. Will there be anything else, gentlemen? No, I guess not. Come on, Herb, let's go back to the sanitarium and work on it some more. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. Goodbye, gentlemen. Goodbye. Gee, but those two fellas are nice to me. Oh, Jack. Yes, Mary? The boys from the Beverly Hills Beavers are here. They came in the back way. Oh. Hello, boys. Hello, Mr. Benny. Hi, Mr. Benny. We're all ready to go. Yeah, let's go to the circus. All right, well, hey, wait a minute, boys. Where's Stevie? He was supposed to come with us, too. He couldn't come. His mother's in the hospital. Oh, and Stevie's going to visit his mother today? No, they won't let him see her yet. Why, has she got something contagious? I don't think so. She's going to have a baby. That's what makes me think parents are so unfair. Well, what do you mean unfair? Well, last summer, Stevie brought home a dog, and his mother and father wouldn't let him have it because he didn't ask their permission. Yeah, and now they're having a baby. Maybe we better drop the subject. Yeah. I can explain it, boys. There's the girl out. Going to the circus. Kids, let's all stick close together. I don't want anybody getting lost in the crowd. I'm holding Mrs. Livingston's hand. Good. And I'm holding Dennis' day's hand. Fine, and I'm holding your hand our day. The world's greatest attractions ever assembled in one place. Our folks, we have Jojo the dog face boy, Beatrice the marinated mermaid, half herring, half sour cream, and as an expedited attraction, we have the world's only indian rubber man with white sidewall legs. Yes, sir, the greatest freaks on earth. Gosh. Mr. Benny, can we go in? I guess so. Oh, mister, about the freak show. Yes, would you like a ticket or a contract? Oh, see, get away from me. Bump your pot of me. Get in, Mr. Benny. Quiet. Now, come on, kids. Step right in and see the most amazing sites in the history of show business. On the inside, you'll see Matilda, the fat lady. Seven hundred and ninety pounds of bounce and blubber. All your attention to my colleague who will present a free show right here on the outside. Good, good. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, here is the free show. Look, Mary, it's Don. Hey, Don, Don. Get away from me, bud. You bother me. I'd like to present the eighth wonder of the world, the only singing monkey's in captivity. Take it, chimps. Said the chimpy to them. Da, da, da, said the monkey to the chim. All night long, they chatter away. All day long, they were happy and gay. Swingin' and singin' in a hunky, comfy way. Da, da, da, means luckies. We love you. Da, da, da, da, in monkey talk means you will love them, too. They're a big attraction anywhere, a circus or the county fair. There's nothin' quite like poppin' on a lucky spot. Monkey's shiny. When they see you poppin' away on a lucky, happy and gay. Smokin' and smokin', this is what they have to say. Da, da, da, da, da, in monkey talk means that's a smoke for me. It includes the big free outside exhibition, but don't go away. Look here, look here, look here. I called your attention to this lady here, Salome, the exotic dancer of the Orient. She'll give her a full and complete dance on the inside. The dance was called Sultans to give up their harems. Rodgers to fight duels. She shimmies and she shakes. Come on, kids. Let's go over to the merry-go-round. I... He's right. Let's go to the merry-go-round. Come on, everybody. Hey, where's Dennis? I don't know. I haven't seen him. Oh, here he comes now. For heaven's sakes, Dennis, where have you been? Oh, I've been going through the tunnel of love. I don't know why everybody raves about it. It's awful. What's so bad about the tunnel of love? Oh, it's dark in there and lonesome and you get your clothes all wet. Why, did the boat leak? Hey, Jackson, let's go see the wild animals. The king of the jungle. Gee, he must have a call. He sneezed when he was a bird, too. He's musical talent by playing Yankee Toodle on this horn. Mostly, we'll go on with the performance, including today's performance. I'd like to present a final extra added attraction. In the middle of the center ring, we have the most ferocious gorilla in captivity. For the sake of this, we'll open this summer of $500 to anyone who will wrestle with this gorilla. Is there a volunteer with this gorilla? I wish they were here. We've got to make it look good. Okay, but don't pull the fur on my left. That's real. Ladies and gentlemen, one tiny burning ember from a campfire, a lighted and discarded match or cigarette left to smolder or thrown from a car window can cause a destructive forest fire. So no matter where you go, do your part to prevent forest fires that destroy millions of acres of timberland, crippled watersheds, and blast our natural resources that are so urgently needed now. Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. Thank you. And all friends, let's visit some folks who are doing their spring planting. I've got my hoe, I've got my rake, I guess I'm really fat. I've even got a better taste. Luckies taste better than any other cigarette. I planted peas and beans and corn, but pull my ache and back. Thank goodness for the mile-rich taste inside my lucky pack. Try them, you'll agree. Luckies taste better than any other cigarette. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, go lucky, strike me happy, go lucky, go lucky, strike today. Friends, be happy, go lucky, has a really important meaning for you, because luckies taste better than any other cigarette. Yes, every lucky you light always gives you mildness, smoothness, far better taste than any other cigarette you've ever smoked. And here's why. Fine tobacco, and only fine tobacco can give you the enjoyment of a better tasting cigarette. And LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So for complete smoking enjoyment, be happy, go lucky. Make your next carton Lucky Strike. You'll find, luckies taste better than any other cigarette. Be happy, go lucky, go lucky, strike. Remember, luckies taste better than any other cigarette. Gee, Jack, I never realized you were that brave. Imagine wrestling a gorilla. You threw him in only 30 seconds. You knocked him flat. And he didn't even hurt you. Yeah, but I think I caught his cold. Good night, Paul. Be sure to hear Dennis Day and the Day in the Life of Dennis Day. Stay tuned for the Amos Nandy Show which follows immediately. The Jack Lenny program is heard by our armed forces overseas through the facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service.