 to welcome you good people here on behalf of our sponsor. We are one of the few remaining radio shows that's fortunate enough to have a sponsor. So if you enjoy yourself during the next half hour you could do all of it a big favor if you would and that is sometime this week stop by your neighborhood RCA Victor Dealer and pick up a 27 inch television set or a record player or something because we'd like to be working up here next year at this time. Well as you know maybe you do not know but this year we are starting a new time we're heard now on Friday night on NBC you need to follow Bob Hope and as you know in addition to a new time Phil's on his own this year out for himself. So what do you say we all get together and give a real rousing welcome to a real swell guy in the man who will discover the south Phil Harris. Let's go. No seriously I can't tell you what it means to me to have you come out here all that to see me and I just want to tell you I love you for it because I need it. I've been with Jack Benny for 16 years and I ain't no money connected with that job. I'll take you to Rome on Saturday night gives you a fast course of love and gloom and you've had it. I can also have a bad start when I'm married Alice they told me she has money but I'll be damned if I could find it. I've looked everywhere. And I want to say it is wonderful having all these the sailors all these guys in the Navy in here especially I got to tell you I'm especially to the max I got to be with it because I was in the Navy during the last war myself. I fought the Battle of Catalina. You laugh when we lost eight lobster treads. They had a very unique way of selecting their list of men according to what they've done in private life when I went into the Navy for instance I went in with a couple of buddies of mine one of these guys was a street cleaner and they put him on a minesweeper and this other guy run around with he was a construction guy tore down buildings and everything and they put him on a destroyer. How I ever wound up on a ferry boat. Do you hear the story about the guy walks the barber shop guy walks the barber shop walks up the barber says how many head of it the barber says three the guy went out he don't come back. Next day comes in again he says to barber how many head of it the barber says three the guy goes out he don't come back. The barber is getting nuts you know he's on his feet all day and a click into them scissors you know it's standing there. Sometimes the baker's feel guy comes over and the guy says call the boot black over and he says say the barber says to boot black he says every day there's a guy comes in here wants to know how many a head and he says I tell him he goes out he don't come back he says if he doesn't tomorrow follow him I want to know. Next day the guy comes in walks up to barber says how many head of it the barber says three the guy walks out the boot black follows him comes back in about 20 minutes the barber says where'd he go where'd he go boot black says to your house. The party's here in the middle this guy's party's here in the middle see he got tired of it he went down he had the barber put the part from here over to here then he had to give him bangs to the back and bangs to the front the guy said he got awfully monotonous because people kept coming up whispering in his nose. I got one more let's see. This is a cute joke. You hear about the brunt that fell out of the 12 story window? Oh this guy is flying. Oh flying drunken he falls out of the 12 story window and he hits boom on the ground there's a big crowd around he gets up and he's fresh himself off the fellow walked up says what happened he says damn fine oh I just got here. You know whatever little success ladies and gentlemen that we've attained of course I want you to know that it is to do the one or two people we have a wonderful organization I'm just like in the Navy or the Army or the waves or the wax or the any other organization you've got to have a competent organization you've got to have a bunch of guys a whole unit going for you that's what we've got I'm very happy and very proud to tell you that I have one of the best organizations I think in radio for instance everyone you see sitting on that stand as an outstanding job on his or her particularity. You see there's things that I know that you don't know. Now you take the leader he's okay he we're very happy about him because he's a genius. Now I'm back to level I mean we think that he's going to wind up with being one of the greatest composers we have in this business and he's had two of his things play in the Hollywood Bowl. He has been doing some of the biggest motion pictures for ten years. He has been nominated for the Academy Award six times. He was nominated last year for the beautiful directing and arranging of all of the wonderful music that you heard in that great picture the Hans Christian Anderson story. This is Walter Sharpley's music. You think that Navy's rough huh? Hey I got some guys I'd like to take time for you to meet all the guys in the band because everyone is important not because I'm going to pick a couple of us. We have boys in here that originate as a pixie land a lot of the guys that we're with the Bobcats a lot of fellas and all of them are important but I got a couple of guys I know you'd like to meet. I have one fella I'm going to introduce to you but he comes over here because he likes to be around me. And he has his own show and I want you to listen to it. It's on Friday night. It's on later than night. I'm sure about 11 o'clock I think I'll check within a minute. But the one and only Alvino Ray ladies and gentlemen. What time is it? 11 or 10 sir? 10? 10 on KMDA. I want you to catch that show he's on with the King's Sisters and they do a beautiful job. So if you're around the television at 10 tonight, you tune in on NBC. Here's a guy that worked with my father. And that used to tell me about him. He says, Phil, he said, this boy has a frantic arm this year and I think if we could ever get him out of the circus he might amount. Since that time he went on to great heights. His records now ladies and gentlemen are collector's items. Some of the records that he made years ago and the ones that he made now, though I'm not kidding you. And the ones, of course, he does a little touch-up job here. I want an only red nickels in these five credits. Now here's who's fault it is because without her the program wouldn't be possible. I'm not going to eulogize going to a big thing. I'm only going to tell you she's not only the most beautiful gal in the world but this kid's got talent too. Alice Faye. What's up, honey? It's your honey. We have a guest. I say a guest. It's the first time he's been on with this station but we use him a lot. In fact, we use him every opportunity. But that's pretty tough because this guy does all of the important things in television and in radio. And I know that you're remembering from the wonderful work that he does on the Bob Bope show. Ladies and gentlemen, hi, Oliver. Yes, sir. Too good looking for the show. The kid that steals our show every week, we're very happy about it because he's got a lot of talent. My wonderful kid plays the part of Julie Sabruzio, the grocery boy, Walter Shepard. A newcomer to our program. Very happy. He's very important. He's made a lot of pictures. I know that you've seen some of these pictures recently on television. A very important actor. We're very happy to have him a part of our little company. He plays the part of William Alice's brother and then the dandy job, Mr. John Hubbard, ladies and gentlemen. Those wonderful singers that make all those commercials on the Benny show have been with us ever since we started. The four sportsmen, ladies and gentlemen. Holy Elliott, look. Curly. Hey, Curly, when did you hear what I did? I bought a kangaroo. You what? I'll make a fortune. This guy had two kangaroos and I bought the one that boxes. A box and kangaroo. What's the matter with you, Elliot? You're crazy or something? You can't make no money with no box and kangaroo. Should have bought the one that nits, huh? RCA Victor. We're a leader in radio. First in recorded music and first in television presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. The enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show transcribed written by Ray Singer, Dick Chevrolet and Ed James with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, John Hubbard, Janine Roos, Anne Whitfield, Walter Sharpeny's music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Tonight's little aberration is aptly titled How to Repair a Living Room or there'll be lots of sand for the concrete mother. I'm coming home with a load. The stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye, it's morning in the Harris household and Phil, shy, modest and retiring, is singing as he heads for the kitchen. Wait a minute. Shy, modest, retiring? Well, that's what it says. I dream of Harris with the light brown hair Voice like an angel, talent he can spare He's so... Oh hi, Alice. How's my little love bug this morning? Oh, Phil, I was going to surprise you. You raised my allowance? No, I baked a cake. Oh. You're disappointed. Look, honey, I love you, but let's face it. You don't know how to bake. Why, Phil? You're a wonderful girl, a beautiful wife, a gorgeous mother, and your cakes would make a great lining for a bulletproof vest. You think they're heavy, huh? Okay, I'll take this one out of the oven and show you. The idea of saying my cakes are heavy, but this one's as light as... Why, it doesn't weigh a... Phil? Yeah? Help me lift it out of the oven. Too much to lift alone, huh? No, it isn't either. It's just stuck. I tell you, my cakes are not heavy. Okay, they're not heavy. But how come we got the only stove in town with bow legs? Phil, I think my cake looks beautiful. But honey, it's lopsided. It's higher on one side than the other. Well, that's not the fault of the cake. The floor slopes down. Oh, kid, you've been standing over this stove too long. Well, it does. Ever since you and Ellie had bounced that derrick around the living room, this whole side of the house slopes. Hey, you wouldn't know something you're right. The floor is a half inch lower than the molding. I'd better go outside and have a look. I'll get out there and crawl into the house and examine it. You be careful, Phil. You be careful. While I'm under the kitchen floor, don't drop that cake. I'd better go with you. Maybe I can help. Okay, come on. I know there's an opening outside here somewhere. It should be right around... Yeah, yeah, there it is. I'll just take the screen off and crawl through. That ain't gonna work. I can't make it through there. My shoulders are too broad. Maybe you can get through, Alice. Well, I don't think so. Phil, my hips are too... I'll make it. It is a tight squeeze. Yes, yes. Hey, wait a minute, honey. I'll grab your feet and give you a little shelf. Come on. Just a little more and you'll make it just... Hi, Curly. Oh, hello, Ellie. Where you got in your hands? Alice's feet. We're out in the rest of her. I'm shoving her under the house. Nags you too much. Don't be funny. You see, the kitchen floor is sagging and it probably needs a new support. That's why I shoved Alice under now. I know materials are expensive, but this is ridiculous. We did. I just got here. Last week, Ellie, at last week. You'd better get a contractor right away and have it fixed. Don't worry about it. Me and Ellie will figure something out. Hi, Ellie. Hello, Alice. Bye, Ellie. I'll see you later. Charming girl. You know, Ellie, I just been thinking, what's so hard about fixing a broken beam? We don't need no contractors. You know something? I'm going to make a deal with you. You help me and I'll pay you $2 an hour. All right. But you know the union rules. I got to get paid from the time I left home. Okay, okay. When did you leave home? When I was 16. The way I figure that's 18 years of $2 an hour. I would come to, let me see. All right, stop. You'll never make it. Now, wait a minute. Yeah, what? All we need is a jack to raise the house and then a new beam and some mat. There's going to be a cinch. Come on, kid. Let's get this stuff. Hey, Curly. This tough work. Jack and the house up like this. It's hot too, even with our shirts on. You stop complaining. Just keep pumping on the jack, huh? We got to get the corner of the kitchen up a little higher. Come on, pump it up, pump it up. Here, Curly. I think we're lifting the corner of the house a little too high. Elliot, it ain't even close to level yet. Besides, Alice is in the kitchen and she's going to let us know when it's even. Go ahead, pump it up. Come on. You got it too high already. Well, why didn't you come out and tell me? I can't. Every time I reach the kitchen door, I slide back into the dining room. Got it too high. Oh. Yeah. Now, look, we got to let that jack down, but wait a minute. What? Slow. Slow. Slow. Just ease the jack down so that it don't slip, huh? Easy. All right. That's it. Slow. Slow. I think we just have got... Good morning, Phillip. I think I'll scalp him. One hair at a... Either one of you fellas see my arm? Man, look what you did. You made the jack slip and the house settled back again. You know, Alice told me you were going out here. What are you two doing anyway? We're trying to raise the house so we can put a new foundation under the corner. Oh, well, then it's a good thing I came along. I'm very proficient at this sort of thing. I can set in the cement. Okay, go set in it. As soon as you're hard, we'll roll you under the house. Look, Willie, we go away. We're having enough trouble as it is. Tell us how you're doing. Oh, we're doing fine. Thanks to your brother, we got to start all over again. Yeah, look, Curly. You jack up the house. I'll go and mix the cement. Good. What are you going to mix in there? Oh, I don't know. I'll find something around the place. Oh, all right. Go ahead. Phillip, you're going to require some help. Just wait till I take my shirt off. No, no. Do I have to look at that purple road map again? Okay. All right, Willie, latch on to that jack handle and get the pumpin'. Come on for a little pump it up. Pump it up. Willie, stay on the ground. You're going up with the jack. Hey, Curly, are you ready for the cement yet? I'm getting it mixed. Oh, you're getting it mixed, huh? Yeah. What are you mixing it in? I put it in that cement mixer you got on the service porch. A cement mixer on the surface. Elliot, that's my washing machine. It is? Oh, well, that'll give us nice, clean cement. Well, where do you manage to get such stupid friends? I've got contacts. Don't get excited, honey. It ain't going to hurt the washing machine. But I had my new girdle in there and now it's mixed in with the cement. Well, honey, I guess your foundation is going to be in the foundation. We know better than to let you two do this job. I'm going in and shut the machine off before it's completely ruined. She seems to be upset about something, Curly. Yeah, she'll get all of it. You know something? What's that? I think we ought to get that old beam out first. Suppose I tie this rope around it, then the three of us can yank it out, OK? OK. All right. We like it at night. I'll just put a sheep shank on this kid. There. Now the three of us just throw the rope over our shoulders and pull. All right. One, two, three, heave. Come home, Julius. Can't you see we're busy? You know that? How do we look, kid? Telling him, Willie. I didn't know Willie could ad-lib like that. Oh, he's a mule. Now, where were we? We were trying to pull the beam out with the rope. Oh, yeah, yeah. What? Because we're too big to fit under the house. That's why. And where are we going to find somebody stupid and not? Don't you look at me like that. That's an excellent idea. Great. I'll pack your bags. Julius has his truck here. Now, why don't we tie the rope to his rear axle and pull the beam out that way? Julius has a rear axle? I believe he means the truck, curling. Oh, I sort of liked it better the other way. Well, what do you think, Phillip? Well, let's give it a try. What can we lose? Is it okay with you, Julius? Strike me. Now, never mind. I'm going to tie it on. I'm going to make sure it's good and tight. Oh, sheepshank. This kid, too. Hey, I'll tell you what you do, Julius. You go start the motor. Okay. You get it good and tight now. I'm getting it good and tight. Okay, Julius, let her rip. Where do you suppose Alice in the kitchen are going? You know, my mother told me they'd be days like this. I remember once she said to me, Phillip, she says to me, someday you'll be standing in the driveway, and Alice in the kitchen will go by. She said that, huh? And when that happens, she says, there's only one thing you can do. Listen closely, because she'll be standing in the window singing a verse and two choruses of pasties. Goodbye. Chug chugging at the station. Choo choo train, conductor pull the cord. You know our destination. Choo choo pull, choo choo pull. All of Chuck tugging out by Jiminy. Engineer choo choo choo toot a toot. Smoking up the chimney. Choo choo pull, choo choo pull. We're en route. Porter brings some ice. Porter gets a broom. Sweep out your shoes and rice. Porter likes a lot. You've been so very nice. Porter tell you what. Here's a quarter, choo choo porter. Choo choo train, please pardon us for hiding. I'll explain in case you didn't guess. Choo choo train, choo choo. It's heaven to be riding. Choo choo pull, choo choo pull. The honeymoon express. Porter gets a broom. Porter thinks a lot. You've been so very nice. Porter tell you what. Here's a quarter, choo choo quarter. Choo choo train, please pardon us for hiding. I'll explain in case you didn't guess. Choo choo train, it's heaven to be riding. Yes, this is Mrs. Harris. Beautiful job repairing the house. Yes, yes, everything looks fine. The paper hanger? He will? Tomorrow morning? Oh well, I'd better get downtown and finish selecting the wallpaper. Well, thanks a lot for calling Mr. Strong. Goodbye. Who was that, honey? Mr. Strong, the contractor. And you'll be so happy to know that when you and Elliot got through fixing the beam it only cost another $3,800 to fix the rest of ours. Wow, that seems pretty reasonable. Don't it, Elliot? Oh sure, as long as you put it in a charred barrel and rock it once a month there's a chemical reaction. Elliot. What's the matter? Hey, Alice, wait a minute. Where are you going? Downtown to do some shopping. And Phil? Yeah, honey. While I'm gone, don't fix anything. Please? We won't, baby. We'll just sort of stand around. What's wrong with her? Ah, she's a little burned out. Contractor charged her $3,800. For one little beam? Yeah. Of course he threw in the windows and the door and put the kitchen back where it was. I'd have done it for half. Yeah. Hey, I'll get that. All right. Yes? I'm from Kerwin's decorating shop. I got some wallpaper for you. Okay, buddy. Put it down over there. Yeah. So, uh, this is where Alice Faye lives, isn't it? That's right. Hey, uh, you don't suppose... could I get a autograph or something? Yeah, you could, but she's out right now. Oh, darn it. I never have any luck. I'm, uh, Phil Harris. You know, I'm kind of anxious to see her in person. I'm a fan of hers. I'm Phil Harris. I listen to her radio show every week. Her radio show? Gee, when she sings them love songs, she was singing them straight to me. Hey, buddy. I'm Phil Harris. Told me three times. Do you know Mr. Fam... Miss Famosity? Slightly. She does malondry. Of course I know her. I'm related to her. Well, you ought to be proud, Mr. You sure got a beautiful daughter. Wise paper carrier. Daughter. Hmm. You leave the chin strapped off one night and you start to sag. She's never alone. That's a handy divine. Hey, Elliot. The wallpaper's here. What wallpaper? Oh, oh. I forgot to tell you, Alice has had a new paper put up in the living room. Well, let's go. Why? Let's start putting up the wallpaper. Okay, I'll go to... Wait a minute. Not so fast, Cleet. What's the matter now, curling? We ain't hanging no wallpaper. We ain't? Look, we put in a $20 beam and it cost Alice $3,800 so we ain't putting up no wallpaper. Curly, what's the hanging wallpaper? You're sticking on a wall. Look, Elliot, let's face it. We're a couple of clever kids, but we don't know how to hang no wallpaper. How do you know? Did you ever try? No. You see what I mean? You could be the greatest wallpaper hanger since Michelangelo. But you're never going to know unless you try. Yeah. That mic could really throw that paste around. I think you got something, kid. That's what I keep telling you. We couldn't do no damage, could we? Us? What a preposterous idea. Well, then let's give it a whirl. Look, you go out in the garage and get a couple of ladders and I'll mix up a batch of paste. Okay, easy on the vermouth. Hey, Curly, I don't want to say anything. But ain't this kind of funny paper for a living room? Red barns, blue horses, green cows, all them different colored animals? Look, Alice knows more about this than we do, so start putting it up and don't ask so many questions, huh? Put it up. Okay, Mr. Angelo. Suppose you get up on that ladder and start on the space over the door. Okay. Hey, Elliot. Huh? Hand me that bucket of paste. Okay. Here you are. Careful now. Don't spill it. That's filled clear to the top. Hey, we're in here, Julius, but don't come in. If you open that door, you'll knock me off this ladder. Get that mess, paste all over the place, and look at that big, sloppy blob right in the middle of the rug. I'll thank you to stop insulting me and cover it from head to foot with white paste. That's your not head. It's off me. It's beginning to get stiff. What's the matter with you anyway, Julius? Don't you want to grow up to be a human being? Curly, will you please get this stuff off of me? I can't move my arms. Will you keep quiet a minute, Elliot? This boy needs to talk to him. Talk to him later. Get this paste off of my face. It's starting to harden around my room. Are you through talking, Elliot? Julius, he ain't kidding. Look at him. He's as hard as a rock. How am I going to soften him up? Why don't you soften him in type and time overnight? This is serious. Just look at the condition poor Elliot's in. We're going to do something about that kid. How are you feeling, Elliot? Would you mind rephrasing that? Take it easy. I'll get some hot water and soften you up and in no time you'll be the same old Elliot night. Come to think of it, is that what we want? All right, I was only, I'm only kid and I'll get the stuff off you and then we can start paper in this room. You get it. There she is, Elliot, all paper. All done, man. Hey, look at her. Looks pretty too, don't it? You know, Curly, ain't this paper kind of morbid for a living room? What's morbid? What are you talking about? It looks great. Yeah, but look at all those dead animals laying on their backs with their feet sticking up in the air. Crazy as something they ain't no dea... Elliot, you flea brain, you put that paper on upside down. Now we're never going to be able to get it off. What am I going to do about Alice? Teach her to walk on her hands? It's a good thing you didn't do the whole room. Look at my side. Looks fine, don't it? I can't tell it's too dark to see. You don't have wallpaper sure darken up the room. That's just because the shades are down. Go over to the window. Pull up the shades. Okay. You sure you had windows in this room? You papered over the windows. Elliot, how stupid can a guy be? Now I'm going to have to go outside and find the windows. I'll be right back. Say nothing about your windows if you don't say nothing about my door. I don't know how stupid a guy can be. All right. It ain't funny. We got to find that door if we want to get out of here. Girl. Now let's not say nothing and maybe she'll go away. Are you in the living room, Phil? I want to show you. That's a clever girl. She found the door. Why did you do it? Now wait a minute, honey. Wait a minute. What's so terrible about it? We'll trim the paper off the windows and get the paper off the door. And give the animals some vitamins so they stand up. It's not that bad, honey. It's not that bad. It's not only crooked, upside down and backwards. It also happens to be the paper I picked out for the girl's playroom. Bye. Just a moment. RCA Victor's new 45 extended play records give you more music for less money. Almost 15 minutes per record. They make the Victrola 45 phonograph a better buy than ever. It's the simplest automatic phonograph made. All play and no work. You can listen to an hour and a half of your favorite music without changing a record. Listen to the Victrola 45 phonograph with the economical new 45 EP records at your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow. This is Phil again. Last year motor vehicle accidents led the list as the nation's number one accident killer. Too many of us think that... Too many of us still think of accidents as striking only the other fellow. We forget that each of us could be the victim of an accident through our own thoughtlessness or carelessness. So no matter where you drive, drive carefully. Thank you and good night. Good night everybody. Included in this program, transcribe was HiAberbach. The part of this is played by Walter Tetley. This was an NBC Radio Network production.