 My husband is currently on a secret vacation with his mistress. Turns out, he's simping for her so hard, he monkey-branched and ditched me and our kids. It's time to confront him. Take a wild ride with me and see the reality of my incredibly frustrating, brutally sad and truthful story of how I confronted my cheating narcissistic husband, fight for custody and divorce. This is a diary entry of sorts, cathartic in style. I'm strapped in and gunning the gas. Buckle up Buttercup because it's full speed ahead. Classy, sassy and a bit badass-y. Let's confront this. Simp. If you're ever feeling useless, remember there's an actual thumbs-down button for Royal AI. Warning. The following story will be upsetting to cheaters. Hey there! Forgive me as I am new to the online community. Just wanted to tell my story and maybe get some input. I'm a 37-year-old female who accidentally found out last month my husband, who is 38, was using work trips as an excuse to sleep with his also married co-worker who lives across the country. When I say accidentally, he sent me a screenshot of Amazon purchases for our children and included at the bottom of the photo was a delivery to this woman. So yes, the worried wife in me checked his search history and email. It was all right there. I learned his November trip was a romantic getaway, but this current one is luxurious. A spa resort complete with couples' massages, couples' cooking classes, and monogrammed bath robes from Etsy. He mailed her a box of gifts a few days ago for Christmas. How sweet. He purchases sexy lingerie, sent her money on Venmo, and even started planning a January trip to Las Vegas. I was furious when I learned all this, but I kept my composure, my plan. He left this morning for his work trip, but before he left, I gathered all evidence of his affair. I spent four weeks collecting emails, credit card statements, reservations, and confirmations. I wrote him a 10-page letter, put it in an envelope, and taped it inside the lining of his suitcase. I plan on sending a group text to him and his mistress right after check-in, telling them to enjoy their trip. I will also inform them that a letter is in his suitcase and that I want a divorce. I wrote a special section just for her, and I want to make sure she sees it so I will be emailing her the letter as well. He is currently in the air as I'm typing this. My group text goes out this evening. This is how it roughly went in real time. His flight landed 90 minutes ago. He told me he would text me when he landed and he has yet to do so. I have text him twice. They were delivered but not read. I checked our phone records and he text both me and her during his layover. His email shows no Uber receipt from his final destination airport to his hotel. She must have picked him up, something I probably should have clarified in my original post. She lives in the state he is visiting, so he flew alone. I will be sending a group text to both him and his mistress in two hours as that will be their time to check in. Sent pictures of our children, and he did not respond. FYI, he is in the middle of the desert. My texts are going through green which puts a monkey wrench in my plan for a group text to him and his mistress. Need suggestions? Should I call the hotel? Connect right to their room. I worked so hard for this, it has to be tonight. Help me please. Thank you to everyone standing by and waiting. My best friend has come to my house to help me through this. It seems my texts are going through green, undelivered, but when my friend tried it is blue and delivered. He has blocked me? I guess that helps his guilt. The plan now is to call the hotel. We'll wait a few minutes after check in to make the call. I will do so very soon. Please stand by. Just spoke to him. Like most of you predicted, he had zero answers for my questions. That was the most hurtful part. But guess what? I have all the emotional support and economic support I could ask for so I'm not mad. Every question I asked bounced with no response probably because his mistress was sitting right there next to him. I suspect when he is home alone with me his answers will be different. I have made sure that he will not emotionally and financially wreck me over because I have secured support from family and friends. Let me add this. He can go fuck himself. I had to call the hotel room again, talk to his mistress and finally lost it. He ended up calling me a few minutes later and had zero empathy. I'm shocked, but I'm not at the same time. He said a divorce was in order and fought me on nothing. I expected him to be sad. He was not though, but that's okay. I started packing up his crap. I have a great friend who helped me put everything in the garage. Good riddance? I guess so. Back to the normal updates. I woke this morning broken. My house is in shambles as I went on a rampage yesterday, ripping photos off the wall, throwing his stuff in piles on the floor and breaking random objects in desperate anger. Now that I've had a night's sleep I feel that I am a bit clearer in my thinking as I analyze the conversation we had yesterday. He was different on the phone. That was not the man I know, but who was the man I've known? Because everything was a lie. The only thing he cared about on the phone was getting the kids, which is perfectly okay. He should want to see his kids. But he refused to answer any question I had or admit to anything. I personally feel his lack of remorse was because he was sitting in front of his mistress. If I confronted him at home this would not have been his reaction. When he comes home Monday night I expect to see a different man. Also, in my conversation with the mistress I learned she has recently separated. I also called my mom. That was hard. While she and my dad have always been loving and supporting it was particularly hard to make that phone call. I felt like a failure. I know it wasn't my doing, but to admit that I made a poor choice in a spouse was difficult. Was this all because of a mistake I made 13 years ago? Honestly, it doesn't matter. I have two days to empty my house of his things. Who do I tell? Do I call his dad? Do I tell his mother? Best friend? Work buddies. I wish there was a manual on how to do this because I'm lost. Even with all my preparation I'm still humiliated. Luckily he did not take his house keys when he left. So no need to change the locks. I'll be removing his keys and sending him on his way. You know what? I don't plan on seeing him when he gets home Monday night. Doors are locked. Everything you own is in the garage. Have your people talk to my people and I'll see you never. My friends and family have been wonderful. I am so fortunate to have such great people in my life. Yesterday they came to help me move all of his clothing to the garage. His collectibles were all packed up and sitting here waiting to be appraised. It took a very long time and I was exhausted afterwards but it was necessary. I honestly don't think he expects me to have gone to such great lengths to remove him from my life because I was so emotional when I confronted him. There is a chance that he thinks I will want to reconcile. Fat chance, buddy. His flight lands a little before 10 p.m. tonight. When he ubers back home the doors will be locked. He told me on the phone he was just getting his car and leaving. I will be holding him to that. Something I should have mentioned earlier. The house is in my name only. He had no credit when we first started looking so everything is in my maiden name and purchased by me. Health insurance, car insurance, cell phones, utilities are all in my name. The only thing his name is on is his car. I think he realizes now that could all come back to bite him. I don't want a messy divorce. I'm willing to listen to his demands and try and meet in the middle on as many things as possible. He obviously doesn't care anymore. So I'm going to do my best to not care and treat this like a business deal. It's been a few days since his return. For a man who so diligently planned a secret retreat with his mistress, he took no time to plan for his return home. He has been living in the basement since Monday. I allowed him to watch the children open gifts on Christmas, but he has since returned to the basement. We have contacted three mediators and have appointments next week to start the mediation process. It's obviously over. We had an argument upon his return and he actually asked about reconciliation. I laughed. I laughed uncontrollably. Of course he pushed blame stating that our marriage has been over for a long time. Well, that's news to me. His actions of an affair were selfish and avoidant. He didn't want to have that hard conversation with me about counseling or divorcing and this route was easier and a lot more fun. Let's face it, he likes the attention of two women loving and pining over him. Well, I'm not longer playing that game. She wins and oh what a prize he is. I have been amicable about talking about the terms of our separation. My biggest hang up is her. He may continue seeing her and I have questions about her character. What kind of woman mother cheats with a man she knows is married and knows has children. I confronted her on the phone last Saturday and asked her that question. She was silent. I asked if she was sorry and it was as if the line went dead. That kind of person I do not want around my children. People who show no remorse, especially when they are in the wrong, are not kind people. I have found solace in friends and family and thank you to everyone's recommendation of Chump Lady. I'm halfway through the book, read through the website and find it so helpful. Thank you again to everyone. I can't believe the outpouring of support. To the trolls, sorry you think I'm an unfit and inattentive wife, but cheaters cheat because they want to. Thank you again to all, not sure if you want a mediation update or if my story is over. Either way, I'm happy to have met you all. If you listen to the books and advice always given about cheaters, it all says the same thing. It's not you, they made a choice. My soon-to-be ex insists things were bad. While I don't think we were Pam and Jim, I think things were good. This process has made me review who I am, who I've been and who I want to be. Could I have made changes? Yes. Was I perfect? Absolutely not. But my decisions and actions were never detrimental to our marriage. They were more like sacrifices. And now I'm having those sacrifices thrown at me and I'm being called neglectful. Is all this about attention? A narcissistic need to be the apple of someone's eye? Him and the affair partner are now blissfully in the honeymoon stage. Vacations, late-night phone calls like teenagers, present buying, etc. But what happens when the other shoe drops? What happens when she sees that he has very little patience with children, that he will walk past a sink full of dishes completely blind to them, when he doesn't pay the phone bill for two months and he is spending money on silly gadgets? What then? While it's not my problem, I'm sure his new love will take issue with these things. Perhaps then she will be put in the situation I've been in for a decade. Should she be the glue and hold it all together? Or should she neglect responsibilities for his neediness? I've been told by him, someone who is having a relationship and spending large sums of money on someone else, that I'm at fault. Perhaps. But what about the decades of cleaning up your messes? Maybe if I would have had two-hour conversations with him every night, things would be different. But to be honest, I'm happy I'm here. Now, reflecting back, I see how underappreciated I was. How neglected I was. All these years I thought I was helping, but I was really being taken advantage of and this affair is no different. Just a word of advice to all the mess cleaners, excuse makers and spouse-sheltering people reading this. Stop. Stop now. I've learned that all the helping is simply them learning how to manipulate you. Draw that line in the sand. Prepare for an uncomfortable situation when they start to stumble under the pressures of real life. But don't lose yourself. I lost myself years ago and it's not a place you want to be. We had our first mediation appointment via Zoom yesterday. It was very amicable, but only because I don't want to fight and I just want this to be over. He apparently wants nothing. Not the house, not the furniture, not what he's entitled to of my pension. He just wants to be done as well. As I've been packing up things in the house to declutter, I've been offering him things, but he wants nothing. I suspect the moment our marriage is dissolved, he will be packing up his collectibles and clothing and driving across the country to live with her. I guess I should be okay with this as I don't want to be married to him anymore. It just kills me that he will be moving in with her and helping her raise her two children, while mine are fatherless. It makes me so angry, seething. The man who was abandoned by his father is now doing the same thing, something he said would never ever happened because of the mental issues it has given him today. Well, it looks like that, as well as mostly everything else, was a lie. Again, I take solace in the fact that their honeymoon phase will be short-lived. Reality will smack them both in the face, and she will realize that he can be more hurt than help. While I wish him well and hope the best, our kids deserve more than a Christmas, Easter, or one week in the summer, father. No dad at basketball games, cub scouts, birthday parties, and school plays. Meanwhile, his affair partner will have him and her children's biological father. I guess nothing in life is fair, and my boys will have to learn that lesson early than I had hoped. My soon-to-be ex left yesterday morning to visit her. I told him to go. I didn't want to spend New Year's Eve with him and our COVID circle friends who we celebrate with have zero interest in seeing him either. He booked a flight 30 minutes after I told him to go. My only stipulation was that he is back for this weekend as it's my birthday, and I really need a day to myself. I've watched the kids for three weekends now while he went to see his mistress. I thought I at least deserved my birthday to relax. He texted me while he was boarding that he won't be home for my birthday. Well then, he claims when he booked this he booked a return for the evening of my birthday. When he tried to change it, he was put on standby. It would cost $1,000 to change. It was a red eye, etc. The excuses kept coming. He apparently does not realize I have access to the internet as well and flights are less than $300 with the airline he flew. I told him this, and he said those flights weren't there when he booked. Lies, and he will take care of it. I just want him to be honest. If you don't want to be here for my birthday, just say it. If you don't want to spend the day with your children, I can't force you to be a parent. I told him the flights were available and affordable. It's his choice to rebook. Ball is in your court. That's all I can do, right? Stay tuned for an update on his return this weekend. It was 12.40 a.m. on New Year's Eve, and there was still no call from him. I was angry for no other reason than I explained to the kids that even though Daddy wasn't with us, he would call at midnight to talk to them and wish them a happy New Year. I was made to be a liar, so I texted my soon-to-be ex, and his excuse was they are with their friends. I didn't want to bother them. Excuse me? Bother them? You mean you didn't want your kids to bother you is what you are really saying. If I was across the country on New Year's Eve without my kids, I would have called and done the countdown with them via FaceTime. I think most parents would, but not him. He said, if you would have told me that you told the kids I'd called, then I would have. He tried to spin this on me, that I created this mess. Why do I have to tell you that you need to call your children at midnight? This small act said a lot to me. Our children are not a priority. I guess he didn't want to ruin his perfect vacation at his new girlfriend's house with her children. He has a nice new family now. Today is my birthday, and he returns this evening. I told him in my New Year's Eve text that I will speak to him on the 12th, our next mediation meeting, because I'm done. I tried to be civil for the kids, but he is not putting forth the effort for them. The past few days have been strange. We rarely talk, a decision on both our parts, and when we do it's about mediation, plans moving forward, or the kids. We have been civil and communicating well about those items. We are also friendly in front of the children as not to upset them. Mediation is strange because we are getting along. There is no arguing. It's a shared focus to just get through mediation and divorce. That's fine by me. Last night, while I was cleaning the kitchen, I heard him on the phone in the basement. I guess he didn't realize the door was left open by one of the children. Not wanting to be a part of the drama anymore, I went to close the door. At that point, I heard him tell her how crazy I have been acting. Excuse me? We don't speak, and when we do, it's very civil. How is that crazy? Well, he proceeded to tell her about a conversation we had, and he lied about everything. While the conversation part was true, he told her I exploded, I was in a rage, I was crying, etc. None of that was true. He explained how he laughed in my face at my rage, also not true, because there was no rage. I had told him a while back before the New Year's Eve debacle that I would start dating eventually and he proceeded to tell her that I was bragging about guys I'm meeting. So far from the truth, I slammed the basement door. I'm sure he knows I heard. So I ask, why the need to lie and make me a villain? We aren't staying together. I have no reason to fight with you anymore. That's why we are paying a mediator. Why start lying to your new girlfriend that you love? Why start a relationship? I don't know what is happening here. This is my concern. This woman and him are in love and want to start a life together. Okay, that's fine, God bless and congrats. But this woman only knows me by the stories, which I'm assuming are all lies, he has told her about me. If he does move across the country to be with her, how can I trust a woman who hates me because of misinformation to treat my children properly? I don't care if she hates me personally, I'll still sleep fine at night. But now I'm worried about sending my kids in the summer to stay with them. I want to confront him about this, but I know I can't. Maybe it's not that I can't, but I don't know how. Also, he has told no one we are separated and definitely has not told people why. How come? You initiated this, you cheated, you are happy now, so why can't you tell people? He told his father that he was bringing the kids alone to visit him because he and I weren't seeing eye to eye at the moment. What? I would assume he's afraid to face the music or is just finding comfort in the little love bubble he has created. He chooses to not face reality. He has yet to look for an apartment for when the divorce is finalized, but has booked another fight out to see her for Valentine's Day. He is refusing to face reality, and it's so frustrating. Yesterday was our second mediation appointment, while it was amicable there was some obvious tension. The tension was not on my end, but more on his. Let me explain. During our first mediation, we brought up the topic that he might move out of state. At yesterday's meeting, I asked what we would do about custody if he moves to this particular state. When I mentioned the state by name, the mediator was confused. This prompted her to ask him why this state that is so far away. His answer? Well, followed by complete silence. He couldn't put into words the fact that he was leaving to be with his girlfriend. I had to finally chime in, realizing we are paying by the hour that he was moving to be with his girlfriend. I realized later that was the first time he had semi-confessed to having an affair and a girlfriend to anyone. If you love this person so much, why can't you just say it out loud? That whole situation confuses me. Anyway, when it comes to dollars and cents, I will be fine. He will also be fine. He will have enough to do what he needs, and so will I. We have agreed to a physical custody scenario that allows him weekend and dinner visits. Fine by me. I want my boys to have their father. But the situation becomes a bit more difficult when he moves. While he said yesterday he plans to stay here at least a year, I doubt that will actually happen. When he does move across the country, he wishes to return for one weekend of every month to see the boys. Again, I'm fine with this scenario, but where will he stay that weekend? He has no family. Will he just be taking the boys to a hotel? Again, I don't think he actually thought this through. This is a problem I, we will tackle when he does decide to move. Lastly, the mediator said it could take about two months to finalize everything. He and I spoke after the session to go over some facts and figures, and I brought up the tentative finalization date of our marriage. I told him how two months is a good amount of time to save some money and find an apartment to which he agreed. I also reminded him about his promise to not return to visit her until our divorce is finalized or he has a place to live. He quickly became frustrated telling me that he knew and tried to shut down the conversation. I told him I'm happy that we are on the same page, but I'm not budging. If you leave while you still live here, you cannot come back. That is something we both agreed to. Now, the big question remains, who does he break a promise with? Obviously, it's a win-win for me. Stay home and help me with the kids while you save $500 plus and move out quickly. Or leave to visit her, and I get you out of the house sooner. I'm happy with either decision. I just want to move on with my life and enjoy my moments with my children. When I took this dive into the reddit community, I had no idea where I would land. I thought my feet would hit shallow ground and I would be ankle-deep on the banks in an uncomfortable swimsuit all alone. But to my surprise, this deep ocean of reddit readers have engulfed me into their warm waters and I am surrounded by a sea of support. For this, I am thankful. I am also so touched by the droves of people who have reached out for advice and offered their own experiences as lessons to be learned. To the ones seeking advice I tell them, I am not an expert swimmer. I am merely doggy paddling through this sea of hurt and confusion. Please don't use me as a sign of strength, because the truth is, I am not strong. I am you. I am the woman who reads because they are suspicious of late-night phones call her husband takes. I am the spouse who has shouldered the entire family and is in desperate need of support. I am the woman who misses affection from her husband who is next to her in bed every night. I am you. To those people who have yet to catch their partner cheating but are suspicious, trust your gut. Cheating is a coward's choice, so be braver than them and face the truth. To the spouse who is the fixer and takes on every challenge, take a step back. When you help, even with good intention, you are actually just hurting yourself. To the spouse who has tried everything to receive physical attention from their partner, but to no avail, their affection is probably going somewhere else. These are lessons I wish I could have told myself months, if not years ago. Listen to me. Or just listen to you. To the sharks in water who call me a bad mom, a crazy witch, fake, or even just think I'm out of my mind, you will find no blood in this water. So it's best you move on and find a thread where simps will chum the water for you. It's so very easy to read and judge this I understand. I just hope that if this ever happens to you, that you will be as brave, logical, and composed as you expect others to be. If not, you will find sharks circling you as well. So I hope you are as strong of a swimmer as you claim to be. If you are still reading, my saga continues. Our final mediation papers will arrive this week. We were able to settle everything at the last meeting, and the documents just need our signature. After that, the divorce papers need to be served and filed with the county. Then we await our court date, which will be done via Zoom. Yes, a bit anticlimactic, but it will still serve its purpose of divorcing. He has started, finally, to look for an apartment, but nothing is to his satisfaction. Maybe he is being picky, or maybe he is comfortable living in the basement. Either way, once the divorce papers are stamped, he needs to be gone. He has started making phone calls to her during the day, and I can hear him giggling downstairs. I'm happy he is happy. I really am. That isn't passive aggressive. I know I will be happy one day, too. He just got there first, and that's okay, E. I feel like my life is in limbo right now. I can't move forward because I'm chained to the past. I'm hoping his move will be soon. I suspect he wants out for February 1st, so he can go visit her for Valentine's Day. I hope for his sake, and mine, that he makes his deadline. I will update again after I receive the mediation paperwork, and divorce papers are served. I'm sure that will stir up a lot of thought and emotion, so I'm certain it will be a doozy. Till then, I'll keep doggie paddling. If you have been following along, then you know that there was a chance he would leave for Valentine's Day to go visit her. Well, he left this morning. He told the kids, I'm going, as he walked out the door leaving me to explain a few hours later that he had to leave to work when they started asking for him. I have learned that I can't have expectations. Just because I would try to be more honest with the kids doesn't mean he would. I was really proud of the fact that I didn't even engage him in the discussion debate of going. Yes, I had loudly voted Yes, I had loudly vocalized some feelings a week ago when he told me he was going, but I have not engaged him about it since. All I asked was for his flight info so that I would know when to expect him back. He did not provide this information. Maybe he thinks I'm not entitled to it. Either way, he left and I was fine. While we had the conversation multiple times, in which he agreed that he would not visit her again until he had an apartment he has reneged on that agreement. Shocker. He claims that he has every right to be here, which he does legally, and he can do as he pleases. He put a down payment on an apartment a few days ago, but says he doesn't know when he is moving. What? The bills he pays in the house are less than the child support he will have to pay, so I think his decision to stay longer might be a financial one. I have no idea why he is dragging his feet. But, I learned through a mutual friend and former work colleague of theirs that she recently had COVID. When I say recently, I mean the board of health from her state said she could stop quarantining three days ago. But what about her kids that are in the home? Were they living there during her quarantine? Are they positive? Perhaps they are a symptomatic. I don't know. I don't know. Are they positive? Perhaps they are a symptomatic. Will my soon-to-be ex be bringing me and our children home a virus souvenir? I'm livid. For all those messaging me with concern and for updates, I apologize for my tardiness. It has been a heartbreaking two weeks. To amend for my absence, I will be posting two updates tonight. Let me start from the beginning. My soon-to-be ex left for his getaway and did not return until three days after. During his blissful vacation, my family and I suffered a great loss of one of our most beloved member to COVID. I was a mess. Everyone I love was devastated. I called my soon-to-be ex on the first day and told him the prognosis was not good. It was loud where he was. There were children yelling. He informed me he was outside with her kids. Wow. Can't remember the last time he took our children outside. But I digress. I shouldn't have expected him to care about my bad news, but he was concerned. I guess there is still a decent bone somewhere in him. That concern would not last long, though. Upon his return, as he usually does, he schedules a virus test. He scheduled one for four days after his return, but due to snow in our area, he did not go. This, I understand, the weather cannot be controlled. Then he told me he rescheduled for four days later and then does not go. When I questioned him, his response was, I feel fine. I suspected since she probably got a negative test back shortly before his arrival, he felt safe in not getting one. Not a full two weeks later, he gets tested. Why? You know my family just suffered a terrible loss to the virus. How could you be so reckless and insensitive? The insensitive question is rhetorical. I obviously know the answer already. The day is approaching. Large boxes are being delivered to the house daily containing new furniture to be assembled. The sounds of packing tape being ripped from the spool flood the house every evening. He's moving out. I'm overjoyed. I'm so happy that I have actually started engaging him in conversation. Yes, we have to chat to figure out child support and scheduling, but now I'm so ecstatic he's leaving. I even ask about his move. I feel like a kid at Christmas. When we were discussing his move, what he would be taking from the home and the schedule for seeing the children, I asked if he planned to visit her. No, this wasn't me prying. We need to set an overnight and weekend schedule for the kids. And I was hoping to be accommodating to any trips he had planned. But then my curiosity got the best of me, but for a good reason. Our children. I asked if she plans to come here to meet the kids. He replied in the affirmative Well, good for you both, but I would like to meet her before she meets the children. He went silent. I could tell he was rolling thoughts around in his head or perhaps trying to figure a way out of this situation, but he came up empty. He honestly wanted to know why I needed to meet her. Excuse me, come again? You really think I would let my children spend time with someone I didn't know? I'm the mother that interviews babysitters. Why would you think I wouldn't want to meet her? He's claims to be worried that I won't be civil, but he knows me better than that. I have nothing to gain being rude to her. It's just ammo. I refuse to play that game. Plus, why would I care? I don't want him. That's your prize now, honey. Congrats. But he recognizes that he can't stop me in this. I have every right to meet her as he would to meet someone I am dating. When it comes to the kids, he, we can't keep secrets. I think the real concern about us meeting is this. She will realize I'm not the horrible monster he made me out to be. His plans of assassinating my character to build himself up or to receive pity from her and the constant gaslighting will be revealed. She will see that I am not pining over him, quarreling with him, and that I'm genuinely a good person. Maybe she will see that he might be the real monster. My soon-to-be ex was quiet, more quiet than usual, almost sulking. I don't understand his motivations anymore and what he actually cares about, so I left it alone. Not my business to care and comfort anymore, right? That evening, after the children went to bed, he sat alone at the dining room table. It was as if he was waiting for me to address him. I did not. Sulk. That's your issue. Not mine. After he received no attention from me, he made the big announcement. Everyone what happened between us, including his father. Then, oddly enough, he started to cry. Full, ugly tears. I thought these were tears of embarrassment and shame. He then proceeded to tell me the conversation he had with his father was the first time his dad has actually acted like a father towards him. While that statement in itself is unsettling, it is also confusing. I'm guessing his father supported him. I know if this was my son, I'd support him, but also have some strong words about how he went about this and how he should probably proceed in the future. But it looks like he received 100% support. So while I understand, I don't understand. Something was wrong here. Anyway, last week was my youngest son's birthday. I had asked my soon-to-be ex if he would like to invite his father over for cake. He texted him several times with no response. I learned through their confession last night that his father was in another state for work. Okay, understandable. But here is the kicker. He went away, with a new girl he is dating. Why is this strange, you ask? He just asked his wife of 30 years for a divorce at the end of January. So this makes me think, is adultery a learned behavior? My father-in-law abandoned my soon-to-be ex when he was 9 years old, the same age as my eldest son now. Is there a pattern here? Or is all this just a crazy coincidence? I could not help myself. I messaged my mother-in-law. She confirmed they were divorcing. I asked if there was any infidelity and she claims to her knowledge, no. But I know better. She said that my father-in-law started to withdraw from her. He started picking fights for no reason and avoided interacting with her last fall. Then in January, he said he wanted a divorce so that he could find himself. A man who was in his 60s, close to retirement, needs to find himself. Sounds like a cop-out to me. But now that I've learned there is another woman, which my mother-in-law does not know, I understand that this bloodline of men are truly selfish and unfit partners. I know all the comments will tell me to tell my mother-in-law about the infidelity on his part and I plan on doing so. I just need a little more information before I break the news to her. It happened. Finally, he's gone. My basement is so empty and quiet it echoes. The day he moved a box truck pulled up to my house and my children ran to the window to watch. I didn't know how to distract them as I was working. I was able to pull them away from the window with the promise of treats once they were at the table to do schoolwork. My mother-in-law, though, would not budge. After 45 minutes of loading, the truck pulled away and my soon-to-be ex drove off. My youngest came away from the window looking sad. I immediately talked to him and tried to comfort him. After a few moments he asked, is the truck coming back? I was confused. I told him that we were staying here and no one else was moving. Apparently, he wasn't upset I'm not sure how I should feel about this. I made appointments with a child therapist for both my kids. While they seem fine now, I'm not sure what the future holds for their mental state. I'm afraid this will be repressed and issues will arise down the road. His friends have been reaching out to me. Now that they know what happened, I'm getting text and online messages asking how I am. I know, in reality, they are just being nosy. They care a little, but they just want me to spill the tea. Welp, I put the kettle on. I wasn't surprised to learn that my soon-to-be ex wasn't completely honest with them. He failed to mention traveling during a pandemic to visit her. I guess that would make him look reckless, selfish, idiotic. The wives of his friends are in shock. They considered my soon-to-be ex a friend that could be trusted, a man who had it all together. Basically, they trusted he would be on their husbands. Boy, were they wrong. Concerning my mother-in-law, I have not told her. This is because I don't have any real information. What I did tell her, though, was to do some investigating to see if he is having an affair. This would be to her benefit as her state has adultery laws. They are still legally married and living in the same house, so to my knowledge, the law applies. But she seems hesitant. I don't know the truth, and then she has to look at him every day. This I understand. No person's spouse should have to experience that. I know it was gut-wrenching for me, and perhaps many of you reading can relate as well. I just don't want to be the one to tell her. Perhaps this is because I'm still upset I had to find out on my own and my soon-to-be ex was too much of a coward to come clean. Why should a cheating spouse get the thrill of cheating and be relieved of the burden of having to confess? To the move, my soon-to-be ex and I had one last argument. But in this argument, a big piece of information was leaked on his behalf. He demanded to know why we failed as partners. I'm not sure why he is asking me why we failed if he is the one that cheated. I gave him the same reasoning I gave him months ago when we talked about this. He said that answer was bullshit. How can my opinion or insight be bullshit? Let me explain. My soon-to-be ex and I were great before kids and responsibilities. But when other people, our children, and responsibilities work, bills, house upkeep, came into play things changed. Honestly, he didn't like that our honeymoon phase was over. That's what he loves the most and why his shiny new relationship is so appealing. He didn't like that our money for nights out now went to plumbers, school clothes and the gas bill. Was there another case of being a narcissist and needing all the attention? Perhaps so. Could I have done better to make him a priority? Probably. But then something else of importance would have been neglected. Perhaps if he would have helped me carry the load and took more responsibility, there would be more time for us. I was the parent that went to every school function. I took the kids food shopping with me on a Saturday so he could have some relaxed time. I made all the meals. I did the doctor appointments. I called the repair men. I bought the clothing. I cut coupons. I tended to sick children. I gave baths. I made plans to visit his family, etc. Long story short, the list of responsibilities he had was minimal or close to non-existent. I just always thought we would, more like I would, sacrifice and work now only to relax and enjoy later. Maybe that was my mistake. But I showed my love for him daily and always did for him. I did more so he could do less and enjoy his free time and be happy and relaxed. Because when he was stressed, the whole house was tense. But that's a story for another day. What this conversation did shed light on was his reasoning for talking to her. The reason I suspected. Attention. He confessed she gave him attention whenever he wanted it. Everything was about him. Sure, that's easy to do when your relationship is simply text messages and phone calls. But what happens when it's real and daily? I asked him what happens when he moves there and she starts putting her children first. Or her work becomes a priority. Or they struggle with bills. You know, real life and all. He had no answers. I asked what happens when this fantasy long distance romance becomes a tough daily reality. Again, I don't think he thought that far in advance. Can he stay on his best boyfriend behavior? Can everything stay magical when the world stops revolving around him? Them? Looks like he will find out soon enough. I understand I will probably receive criticism for this post. People will say I neglected him, so he had no other option but to leave. But let's not overlook the fact that he neglected everything in our life so the slack was mine. This story is not new. Some spouses have been doing this for ages. And what is their reward? Perhaps they tried so desperately to give a better life. Cheats. Is this manipulation? Is this me trying so hard to make everything easier for everyone else that I sabotage myself? All I wanted was an equal partner, but that's something that I never got. So after weeks, no, correction, months, our mediation paperwork is completed. What a relief. Or so I thought. While we had talked previously and agreed to everything, there was one that we never mentioned which our mediator added. It reads as follows. New partners. Each part agrees that they will introduce a new partner to the children only if he, she is in a committed relationship for at least three months. Each parent will inform the other party prior to introducing a new partner to the children. While that wasn't something that was discussed, I think that's an important piece of the puzzle. My soon-to-be ex does not think that statement needs to be included in our legal agreement. His statement was, that's a conversation between you and I that a court or judge has no business being in. While I see his point, my point was this. We are divorcing. Nothing can be left to a handshake promise. We could agree to something verbally and because we both have legal custody, we could renegotiate on the agreement and deny access to new partners. Having this in black and white protects us both. He swore he wasn't signing it until that portion was removed. But if the mediator included it, then this must be common practice to do in a divorce. So this prompted me to ask, when does she plan to come here to visit? That must be the motivation, right? She must be planning a trip here soon and he had plans to introduce her to the kids. He claims there are no plans for her to visit our area. Well, if that's the case, what's the harm with waiting three months? But let me be clear. To everyone reading, my motivation in this is the well-being of my children. Their father has just left. They need to become accustomed to this new was-of-life with two homes and visiting hours before we complicate things more with a girlfriend or boyfriend. I've also made appointments for them next month. That was the soonest I could get with a psychologist to help them process this divorce. Now is not the time to make this more complex. Every parent wants to nurture and protect their children. His affair partner waited five months to introduce him to her children. Why is it not okay for us to wait too then? I had to sit down this past week and really think what is more important to me, my pride or moving on? I said from the beginning that I want him to be a father, to be involved and active in their lives. So we made some changes last night, after a talk, plus an argument, followed by more talking, we altered our custody agreement to give him more time with the kids. I know from the past ten years that he has never been an active father. Perhaps now he feels the need to be? Either way, I'm hopeful this decision will be a good one for the boys. Now I know many of you may say he is undeserving, but I am making this decision and not regretting it because I know it is temporary. He will be moving in a year or so. Of this, I have no doubt. Once he packs up his belongings and he drives across the country, our arrangement will change. I'm a bit upset that children will become used to having him around only to have him leave in a year. That was a big motivator in my reluctance to agree to this custody change. I have tried to make the best decisions for my boys and I feel like my soon-to-be ex is just concerned with winning. I also got him to agree to put our new terms and terms for when he leaves, including the altered CS payments in black and white in our mediation paperwork. I think the delay by our mediator to supply the paperwork lead to him overthinking and wanting to change the agreement. He agreed in January, but now claims he never agreed to it. So I guess our mediator just created these terms which we discussed out of thin air? Okay, sure buddy. I also think his girlfriend chirped in his ear a bit about what he should do. I'm confident he told her what a wonderful and involved father he has been over the years, and I'm sure that prompted her to encourage him for more custody. Little does she know, my soon-to-be ex doesn't even have car seats in his car because he never takes them anywhere. He doesn't know their doctor's names, he doesn't know their quirks, and he has zero patience for them. But I'm sure he has claimed to be father of the year. Maybe the increase in custody will prompt him to move sooner. He took the boys for an overnight last week and when he dropped them off, he was grumpy. He claimed all he did was cater to them, didn't have time to eat and barely got any work done all day. Oh, you mean like me every day since you left? He's not prepared. But it's okay, I'm done sheltering him. These are your kids and now you can see what it takes to care for them and balance everyday life. Maybe now he will see why I never had the time or energy to cater to him. Last week was our final, final mediation meeting. My soon to be ex claims that the mediation we had in January was not the final. I was happy that our mediator confirmed in the meeting that January's meeting was the final and his changes are in addition. Either way, it's done. Mediation completed. Now starts the actual divorce process. I told him that I'd like to start this ASAP and his response was, I know you want to rush through this and be done when you want it to be done. So hold on. Let me get this straight. You were the one who cheated for months and has a girlfriend. But me wanting to complete our divorce paperwork makes me the one that is rushing to end the marriage? No, sir. You have rushed to end it. Actually, you ended it. Now we are just completing the paperwork but the marriage was dissolved in September when you started sending her flowers. Or perhaps in October when you started flying to her state during a pandemic to have sex. So pardon me if I'd like to cut the cord legally. You have already severed it emotionally. Even though we aren't legally divorced, he has been taking the kids three four nights a week on a rotating schedule. Truth be told, I'm happy he is stepping up but my children don't like it. When I tell them they are going to daddies, they cry. Because my ex lives in an apartment building and have grown up in a single family home. My oldest son calls his apartment a hotel, not a house. When they are there they miss me and I feel terrible. On one of their first evenings there, my youngest called me from his iPad four times. I wanted to give them space to be with their dad but after the fifth phone call I answered. My soon-to-be ex was on the computer working he showed me on the video call and my youngest was left in his room to play. He was bored and seeking attention. I told him to play with daddy when he was done with his call and I would see them soon. After we hung up, I got an angry text from my ex telling me we need to practice boundaries when we have the children and respect each other's time with them. The children were now asking him when they come home, he said to me, this is their home as well and they should know that. A few things about this. One, if you were paying attention to the kids they would not call me. I understand you are working but I work from home as well and they are never calling you while I am here. I have to tell the kids to call you and even then they don't want to. Two, boundaries. You have been coming to the house every night on my days to say good night to them so you can come to my home and see them for 45 minutes every night but I can't answer my son's fifth phone call to me. Here's some boundaries. I can't come here anymore. He is very regretful he brought up this argument because it hurts him more than me. I have no problems playing fair but you have to play as well. Three, if you want your kids to feel like your house is their home as well then you need to tell them not me. Okay, I get it but they don't. So you need to have that conversation with them, not me. I have just resolved myself with the fact that I will always be the bad guy. I've always been flexible. Well, physically not so much with age but flexible in situations has never been a problem. My soon-to-be ex fought me on a 50-50 custody agreement one in which I agreed to. Our original agreement was for a 65-35 split which gave him every other weekend plus a few dinnertime visits in between. For someone who has never been an active father this should have been enough. Apparently now he thinks he's super dad and wishes to take the lead. This would have been helpful years ago but better late than never. He contacts me the other day telling me he will be picking up the kids for two overnights this week. Mind you, he is supposed to have the kids two days on one week and then five days the next week. I tell him that he can have the kids over the weekend as well. This is when he tells me he has several days to see his girlfriend coming up so he needs me to be flexible with the visits. Flexible? I thought you were the I need to see my kids more dad now the dad who needed more time and less time and child support for me with his children. Where did that guy go? The month of April he has had the kids for eight nights total. Total. And when I mention this isn't 50-50 I'm the bad guy and need to be understanding to his work and personal life. Excuse me I have work and a personal life too. Well not really a personal life but I hope too soon. Why do I have to be flexible to you and you aren't to me? I told him I offered him the 65-35 split that would allow him more free time for work, pleasure, and he didn't want it. He said I was steamrolling him into taking that agreement and he wasn't happy with the time he'd have with the kids. Touched that he wanted more time with the kids to this and now that it's in black and white I have to have the kids more and receive less child support because you can't keep up with the deal you wanted. I think in all honesty it wasn't about seeing his kids, it was about not giving me what I asked for. He says I rely too much on our agreement and that it's just a guideline we don't need to live and die by it. Um, but I think we do. It's a legal document about our children and our assets so if we don't live and die by it will you stop paying child support or maybe decide that you want things that are mine? It's just a piece of paper, right? For a man who lead a double life, had an affair, has a girlfriend and wanted out of this house he sure doesn't seem to want to face the reality of what a divorce actually is so if he doesn't take the kids for his 50-50 visits what are my options? Start this process again with another agreement take him to court? I think perhaps my best option is to not be flexible and when the numbers don't add up we go back to court I don't see any other option. This past weekend was Mother's Day it was a strange day this year but still oddly more enjoyable than previous years my soon-to-be ex has been taking the kids on the schedule I created and so far no issues he has yet to pay me any child support but I will give him till the 15th till I make a stink about that the boys were with him over the weekend but he returned them on Sunday so I could spend the day with them I asked him while he was here if he called his grandmother yet his grandmother is the only family besides his equally unfaithful father that he speaks to he told me he spoke to her and that he told her that we have separated I was shocked this was a big one I knew it would be hard to tell her to give her a heart attack he said she was upset and shared some of their conversation with me he told me he did not tell her why we split only that we had while not the whole truth I was happy to see that he took this tough step fast forward a few hours later his mother calls me her and I have a fairly good relationship but my soon-to-be ex is holding a grudge over things from the past and refuses to speak to her I had asked she heard the news from her mother she was confused well it turns out it was all a lie he never told his grandmother the conversation he said he had was never actually had I speak to his sister as well and find out after 13 years together that this run away with a girl who will give me more attention is his modes operandi she told me that before me he lied to his girlfriend of four years that he was going to spend time with his dad he went away for the weekend with another girl now ain't that some shit my lawyer will be serving him the divorce papers next week when I told him for the second time that I was hiring a lawyer to do that papers and did not want us to do them ourselves he got angry he accused me of wanting to try something shady no sir you have been shady enough for the both of us when I reminded him that I've already brought this up to him and that I have been getting quotes from lawyers he accused me of not being transparent you're kidding right he will always be the victim never wrong and always right my soon to be ex had the children this past Friday Saturday and then again Monday Wednesday I went to pick them up today after work and that's when it happened the breakdown my soon to be ex started to cry he lost it apparently for the past three days all our children did ask to go home they cried and constantly asked how long he tried to tell them that this was their home as well but they wouldn't hear of it now part of me feels badly it must be terrible to have your children reject you but on the flip side he's never been the parent he is now he takes them places plays with them reads to them bathes them etc I don't think he understands that you can't just flip a switch with these kids and they will gravitate towards you I know he is trying and I appreciate that but it's too little too late I have tried to be supportive and understand them having a father is important but I honestly don't think they want him again they are both under 10 and young they don't fully understand my oldest asked me on the ride home if they could never go back when I explained that we are both parents love them and want to spend equal time with them with children protested I think my soon to be ex realizes this is too little too late he is regretful I don't know how to make this situation easier for everyone but honestly it's not my problem to solve I asked him to take a 3565 split but he rejected it saying it wasn't enough time with the children my suggestion of that split wasn't about me wanting more it was about what I thought our children could handle he just wanted to win and to convert to a 5050 split well you won here it is how's that working out for you maybe if you would have thought about what was best for them and not defeating me maybe this would have ended differently after his breakdown I didn't contact him for a while I knew he needed time to cool off and if I talked to him for any reason I was afraid he would get angry with me or even worse confide in me I wanted neither so when I finally did need to speak to him he told me we need to figure out what we are going to do this summer what are we doing we are doing nothing I was confused he told me it's going to be impossible for him to handle the kids during the summer while he is working he said he was barely holding on by a thread as it is now this isn't a problem we faced in the past as I'm a teacher and off all summer so I handle the kids 100% during summer months I don't think he took the summer into consideration when he demanded 50 50th physical custody so his suggestion was to enroll the children in a camp when he has them a camp so you want to enroll our children in a camp from 8 6 on the days you have them how is that spending time with them so my suggestion was let's do the 35 65 split for July and August and he can have the kids weekends whatever he wants he was furious it's always about custody with you he said wait wait wait this isn't about custody you just said you can't handle them I'm offering to give up the first real summer vacation I've ever had to keep them to help you and I'm the bad guy here make this make sense he claims the kids need to socialize in the past nine years he has never cared if the children socialized now it's a big deal this was the man who rolled his eyes and complained about having to go to a kids birthday party for three hours so I left it alone let him sit on the thought for a bit a few days later to be proactive I sent him information about summer camps along with price lists it would cost between 250 and 350 dollars a week for camp the camps I found are only for five weeks leaving most of August without childcare for him how does this help how is this spending time with the kids putting our children in an expensive weekly camp during virus rules just so you can give them dinner bath and put them to bed doesn't help them or your relationship with them my family owns a house by the beach I will be down there most of the summer with kids when I'm home we have friends we can visit and at least we have a yard at our house for the children to play in the children will be happy socialize family and friends and most importantly be safer with me than in a camp lastly I will add that he has yet to pay me child support for April and May he moved out in March took the kids for eight over nights in April it should have been 15 and has yet to give me a dime for April and May but he can afford almost $1,300 in camp fees just to have his custody even more proof that his actions are not about what's best for the kids it's just a competition with me again make this make sense I'm officially in the court system with a docket number and everything it's on its way to becoming official and I am elated my soon to be ex does not seem that excited this past weekend he flew out to her state and attended a family wedding as her guest I'm happy they are taking these steps as a couple because if they are happy he will move and the farther away he is the better when he returned he was now excited about the divorce asking me when the lawyer would send him paperwork to sign and what the timeline was moving forward he was on cloud nine after his vacation and wished to hurry the process up the day he was having his share of paperwork notarized was also the day I was going to pick up the children from him when I got there he was short with me I could tell he was on the verge of a panic attack he hurried us away and then text me later explaining he in fact was in the beginning stages of a panic attack but why he told me he was feeling overwhelmed between the kids work managing a household and maintaining a social life he felt burnt out wow this sounds oddly familiar this was my story for the past 10 years the reason I didn't go on date nights as often as he liked was for this exact reason part of me felt bad because I know what that feeling is like but another part of me relished the thought of his struggling and coming to the realization that that was my life and reason for his cheating so how should I react after I took a second to think I blurted wow that sucks I'm taking the kids to the beach this weekend see you Monday morning when you pick them up I decided to give him the support he gave me for 10 years if anyone knows what movie this post title is from then you know you gotta do what your heart tells you to do Sunday it's happening the day I've been waiting for and he has been dreading I'm going to meet the girlfriend I'm honestly excited he on the other hand is in a panic and I understand why I exploded on that woman on the phone and said some terrible things and I also understand it's going to be hard for him to hide his lies about me being insane when we are face to face he texted me a few days ago and told me that he would be picking the boys up on father's day to head down the shore with them and she would be accompanying them when they come to pick up the boys we can have a chat I'm fine with that I'm actually relieved he wasn't planning on taking the boys to the shore alone I don't think he can handle them both on the boardwalk or in arcades he is very worried that I will cause a scene when I meet her it's actually the exact opposite I plan on being myself very friendly and welcoming I need her to see I'm not that emotional woman that I was on the phone and in my letter I mentioned to him via text that I would not jeopardize the good relationship he and I have had recently with each other and co-parenting by being mean to her his exact words I don't need you to speak about what you and I have but why? why wouldn't the fact that we are getting along and co-parenting be something she shouldn't know and then I remembered he lies he must be telling her I'm impossible that I'm a terrible human being that I'm difficult and unreasonable how can he make this lie hold water if I'm polite and friendly to her and him the boys have each made something for him and I got a small gift from the boys to give him we will present him with those things in front of her I feel like if I saw someone who was supposed to be cruel and insane do that to their enemy I'd have questions as well also I plan on packing snacks for the boys and him for the trip this is something I'd do for them whether she was there or not are those the acts of a crazy and hateful person I think not lastly and some of you may not agree with this I'm going to apologize for how I spoke to her I know she was wrong for what she did and if she ever wants to apologize I'd listen but I'm not proud of how I spoke to her on the phone it's the worst side of me I think she understands my actions but my apology is not to get on her good side I want to be the bigger person I don't plan on ever being friends with this woman but she will be left alone with my children at some point so I'm doing this for them also my selfish motive if she is happy and feels comfortable with my soon to be ex she will want him to move out of state with her I want this so I won't do anything to jeopardize this move I'll update you all on Sunday evening with a play by play of our meet since my last post my head has been swimming I spent so many months envisioning this moment and now it is here and all the scenarios I've run in my head seem like cheesy movie scenes none of it is plausible I finally decided yesterday to not go into this meetup trying to prove who I am to someone but more so just be myself and stop worry about the impression that I leave on her she has an opinion of me that is clouded by his lies so there is no sense trying to change her mind so I asked myself who am I and then I remembered that before this whole fiasco I was the person who killed with kindness while that kindness was manipulated by my soon to be ex I was the one who was in control now so I did what I thought was right my children made father's day cards for him and then I had them make cards for her I had them introduce themselves and list one thing they'd like to do with her they drew pictures and colored and all was right in the world kill them with kindness I text him last night asking what time was pick up he was at dinner and said he would text me back when they were done I woke up at 6.30 with no text from him I text him at 6.30 7.30 8 and finally received word back from him just before 9 be there in an hour ok now that that is settled what do I wear I opted for the true to myself outfit leggings flip-flops and acute off the shoulder shirt very me hair curly makeup light but with a generous amount of mascara it was now 9.40 so we sat and waited the boys grew antsy at 10.30 I get a text that his stomach is upset so they ran a little late sounds like a case of nerves to me then at just before 11 they arrive I assemble the boys and the gifts and we come outside there she is right there standing on my steps for a hot second I raged inside I wanted to say something smart like you left me for this I looked over at him and the look of panic and tension on his face told me that by doing that I'd be the monster he has fictitiously talked about so I went back to my motto of kindness extended my hand smiled warmly and introduced myself she was shocked where is this lunatic I've heard so much of why isn't she trying to claw out my eyes I can only imagine what was running through her head the boys presented their gifts to dad and then gave her the cards I could see that shock took her over again cards that aren't death threats how why at this point her mood went from fear to pure embarrassment I'd say it was more delicious to watch that shift than it was to potentially pull her hair out we hustled the boys into the car and as my soon-to-be ex walked to the other side of the car to get them in I turned to her shock and fear had returned to her face she had difficulty making eye contact with me I could hear my soon-to-be ex heart beating from 10 feet away I looked at her and said hey I just want to apologize for how I first spoke to you I was an emotional wreck but I said some terrible things and that was very unlike me I know my actions were justified but reflecting back on that day I'm unhappy with how I acted towards you hello shock have you met our dear friend guilt a wave of guilt took over her as she bumbled through her own half-assed apology she couldn't say the word affair instead she said own it girl just own it but she did end her nonsensical word vomit wishing to have a conversation with me about what transpired I used the word transpired most of her words were less than two syllables my soon-to-be ex who had started to look relieved now tensed at the idea of her and I having a chat I have already promised myself I won't speak badly of him to her maybe I'll just give her a link to this thread instead now I look forward to her spending 48 hours with him and our kids now she can see the short temper and lack of patience he has it is going to be very hard for him to keep up his father of the year act I'm sure my children will give me a play by play of how their visit went I will update you all on Wednesday when the children have returned thank you all again for supporting me on this journey today was a big day but I'm proud of my growth part of that growth is from the support I've received from you all so many many thanks on Sunday evening I sat home alone glass of white wine in hand and replayed the morning over in my head as I sipped I let the interaction play out in my mind and tried to analyze the scenario my interpretation was that she was stunned he was floored my kids were indifferent and I was victorious I was pleased with my behavior and felt that there wasn't much more that could be done she would leave Monday evening and it would be some time till her and I spoke again then almost as if prompted by the gods themselves my phone pinged random number with a strange area code my heart dropped I knew it was her I stared at my phone without opening it for a good minute I knew that opening that text was opening a door I wasn't sure I wanted opened perhaps she would just be apologizing or maybe thanking me for earlier were the kids okay? or perhaps she would have questions or concerns about him and want an ally I knew after opening that text no matter what it said things would never be the same it went as follows hi it's me and sorry for the late text but I just wanted to send a quick message thank you for being so kind to me today you didn't have to be and I wasn't sure what to expect but with all of the needed introductions I was nerve wracked you instantly made me able to breathe again your boys are wonderful I genuinely enjoyed spending time with them today that's a testament to their mom and dad and I admire where you both have landed with co-parenting from my own experience with it I'm aware that can vary day to day LOL I'm sorry for the way things started for you and I but meeting you today makes me hopeful for whatever may come next don't feel any pressure to respond I just wanted to thank you I hope you have a good night simple, right? straight to the point a message of thanks for a split second I regretted my decision to be kind to her I took away some of her worry and fear and yet none of my emotions have changed I'm not in the wrong here I don't need anyone to tell me it's okay because I was not to blame we spoke a bit more and by the end of the conversation I felt sorry for her she has no idea what she is getting into with him she thinks he is her knight in shining armor but little does she know she will have to polish and maintain that armor for him she was just like me many years ago blinded by shiny armor that was really just tin foil all he was playing pretend was all he really gave me and I fear this will be her outcome too the other side of that coin is that she deserves this you had an affair she read in my letter that this wasn't the first time I suspected he was unfaithful yet she thinks it will be different with her come on sis you're smarter than this you gotta do better girl after I picked up the boys they gave me rave reviews about her and their father it seems they were rightfully spoiled while she was there and daddy didn't yell or lose patience once amazing huh my youngest asked me if this was his new sister I had to explain the concept of separation divorce and parents dating apparently even with his girlfriend in the room my soon to be ex avoided an actual conversation with our kids sigh some things never change so while they won knock off marvel prizes at the arcade with her and their dad it seems she has won the biggest knock off prize of them all for those of you that love the dirt and gossip about my soon to be ex I'm sorry the following is not a post about him this is a post about me a little while back I sat in my home in silence the children were gone and I was in a partial meditation trance thinking about what I want my future to look like I'm 38 I have two children a job friends gray hair peeking from my temples a tight family future schooling for my third degree a mortgage cellulite and a kind but damaged heart where do I go from here and more importantly who would want to be with me dating was easy in my 20s my skin was tight I could be spontaneous everything I owned fit perfectly and going on an 11pm date for drinks was totally doable I am not that girl anymore so how does a woman like me meet a man that will like me I'm lost are there bars night clubs pottery painting I've seen speed dating on TV does that really exist or is that reserved only for sitcoms reluctantly I googled how to date in your 30s some of you have probably beaten me to the punchline but the answer was right in front of me online dating I cringe having no real reason not to I created an online dating profile I filled in all the blanks set my preferences uploaded a few pictures where the outfit fits right and the lighting is superb and I publish the page I walk away from my phone full of nervous energy and grab a snack chocolate will help after I eat out of pure anxiety I return to my phone I have a message from the app I'm afraid I ignore it out of fear and strangely guilt fear that he may be a serial killer and guilt because while my soon to be ex has moved on I feel guilty that I am still legally married and on a dating site I do the only logical thing next I go to bed I lay in bed and try to remember what a first date is like the awkward hello is it a handshake hug kiss on the cheek full open mouth sloppy kiss the cumbersome chit chat this weather is crazy read any good books really wow how about them and of course the uncomfortable goodbye I don't know how to do this or even if I can do you talk about your ex or do you avoid it like the plague do you be no nonsense and get right to the good and bad of yourself to not waste time because honestly who has time to casually date at this age I tell myself to go to sleep eventually I listen I awake to sunlight the hum of the AC and a pinging phone I have a text from my mother and 14 messages all from the dating site this must be a mistake I must have put the wrong age or been too lenient with my preferences I scroll through message after message and see that these men all share the same thing they are interested in learning more about me I sift through profiles like they are resumes for a job and land on three potential candidates all around my age and location all divorced all wishing to converse with me my nerves have no transition to excitement but peppered with a bit of anxiety this is it I'm doing it officially jumping into the deep dark dating pool after a few days of chatting with all three I solidified my suitor soon I will be engaging in my first second date wish me luck and will update soon today my soon to be ex dropped off the kids after having them for a few days he told me yesterday he would be dropping them off at noon when one o'clock arrived I was a bit worried all my text to him were answered with one or two word answers that is strange for him to do I get a text at 145 that he is on his way and that the affair partner is with him um what I was never informed that she would be here with the kids I have no idea if she has been here the whole time or just flew in today I was furious I don't care if it's her or anyone else I want to know who my children will be around period full stop so they arrive and I let her into my home while he sorts through the mail she stands awkwardly in my foyer so then I say I will just tell both of you since you are here if the kids are going to be around her or anyone else I want to know I support your relationship and I'm happy you AP are here with them I just want to know beforehand and not after the fact he looked offended he smushed his face almost in disbelief she stood statue still and refused to make eye contact I understand her position she was in enemy territory and then I hit her with a bomb I'm not mad at her she probably had no idea he didn't tell me maybe he lied and said he did who knows but she is a mom I'm sure she gets my point whether she agrees or not my issue is with him I know I'm right I know it should be a non discussion common sense if you will but no he left being very cold to me and I started to second guess my decision to say something did I let my emotions get the best of me or did he gaslight me and make me feel like I'm crazy did they think because we had one meet that she had the green light to play stepmom now newlyweds always look forward to their honeymoon white sandy beaches topical drinks with little umbrellas sex all day and all night paradise right well my soon to be ex and I never took one we were in the process of buying a house and could not afford to do both well I say we were buying a house but in reality it was me I put the 20% down and the mortgages in my name because he was broke and had terrible credit but he said he was okay with skipping the honeymoon and that when we were married for 10 years we could take that honeymoon together super sweet right well we booked the Bahamas trip for August 2020 but the virus that took over the world had other plans then as you all know him and the affair woman started their little relationship in September of 2020 well this weekend he took our honeymoon trip with her a lot of really crappy things have happened since I found out about the affair in November but this one really hurt I gave this man 13 years of my life two kids a home bought him two cars made countless meals stayed up with newborns and sick children shuttled the kids to activities etc and my reward for years of doing literally everything was taking her on the trip we booked together he really twisted the knife he plunged into me with this one so this past weekend I unplugged took the boys to the beach and had our own mini vacation I was keeping myself occupied and spent time making memories with the boys Saturday evening after the boys are in bed my phone rings it's my ex mother-in-law she probably is just checking up on the kids a bit of back story they've had a rocky relationship over the years and he does not speak to her for things that I found out later were mostly just lies and stories he made up in his head anyway I ignored the call I just didn't feel like chatting a few minutes later my ex sister-in-law calls me now I think something is wrong I answer she is concerned and angry are you okay what's going on have people been calling you I was so confused well as it turns out his affair partner took a picture of them together in the Bahamas posted to her Facebook and tagged my soon-to-be ex what I was in complete shock let me explain a lot of people don't know about our situation I haven't told my extended family most of my co-workers and even some friends he was so paranoid about his family finding out because he knew they would be upset especially his grandmother who thinks he is the golden child so there it is out in social media for all to see our shared family members my co-workers and friends I was livid he took away the possibility of us salvaging our marriage with his affair my hands were tied he was in love with someone else fine now he took away my privacy my marital status is now out there for all to know again I was stripped of the ability to make a decision for myself and tell people on my own time I went through my phone and saw I had missed calls from two co-workers and a friend I can only assume that's why they called I haven't called them back because I don't know what to say haha yeah I'm separated yeah I didn't want to tell people till I was legally divorced yes he has a girlfriend sure I'll retell the story and live through that pain again no problem so I confronted him via text his response we are divorced in everything but the paperwork you've gone on dates and living your life just like I am um what you mean the only thing that really signifies a divorce is the one things we don't have what an idiot and yes I've gone on a handful of dates but I'm not posting about each one to social media and sending selfies to our family and friends look I get it you are in a relationship and you are happy that is great all I'm asking for is a little respect you publicizing your vacation with her also affects me but I guess you have to give a crap first to recognize that I want you all to know I read each and every one of your comments a lot of you have stated that I need to start doing for me I know that I hear you and I agree with you I have been wrestling with a decision for the past few weeks now concerning my future and the boys well-being today when I pick up the boys from his apartment I am going to tell him my plan in which I require his signature I hope he doesn't fight me on this it's what's best I don't want to reveal too much or my reasoning as you never know who is reading I will update you all soon months ago when we started the mediation process there was a great deal of negotiating we both flip-flopped on our wants and made compromises one thing I was never willing to compromise was retaining the house in the divorce I made concessions and declined alimony but never wavered on the house it was agreed that the house would be 100% mine and there would be no alimony now because my soon-to-be ex was so done with the mediation process and looking forward to his new life he never took the time to have the house properly assessed instead he opted to just take a number off an outdated website and use that as our base point to figure out home value idiot our mediator did the numbers based on what we owe on the house and what our profits would each be then she figured out what alimony over a period of time would be and it was close to what his profit for the house would be so he agreed to the arrangement the home value was inaccurate he didn't know that but I did so now that our divorce agreement filed into court has me owning the house which is only in my name by the way I had to have him sign off that I could sell it before the divorce was finalized and that he could not retain any of the profit from the sale he came over to pick up the boys and I talked to him about it I explained how a move would help the boys as we would go live with my mother in a fabulous school district it would also help me to not struggle financially and allow me to return to school for my third degree without worrying about tuition or child care our kids would have round the clock care from me and my retired parents and be close to their cousins who also live in that town he agreed it was a good idea signed the paperwork and left I immediately sent the papers to my lawyer a weight has been lifted off my shoulders the next morning I awake to a long text message from him with time to think and time to speak to his affair partner probably he became very angry he accused me of making a selfish decision and it wasn't best for the boys so you mean to tell me a better school system town sponsored sports teams living with grandparents who have time to spend with them going to school with their cousins of the same age and allowing me the ability to not struggle financially and provide them with more is a selfish idea so I asked him when he plans to move across the country to be with his mistress will that move be in the best interest of the boys or him silence he knew I was right so he switched gears he then complained about the commute for him to pick up and drop off I reminded him this move adds to my daily work commute as well and is not just an issue for him but it would benefit the boys I'm willing to do it plus it's only 18 miles farther from him it isn't clear across the state then the real reason he wants money he said he deserves some of the profit for the money he contributed for 10 years okay I see your point but you gave me the house willingly after I declined alimony then you signed off willingly that I could sell before the marriage was finalized you should have done your research about what the house was worth I suggested instead of just relying on the internet if I give you a dime it's out of the goodness of my heart because I'm not obligated to do anything for you so I asked him after all these months and what you put me through do you deserve my kindness he changed the subject and complained about something else avoiding the question and the obvious answer now I get to truly start over my boys and I will be surrounded by family who love and support us I will have zero financial worries be able to return to school put money away for the boys college and have enough left to put down on another home when the housing market settles down this is a decision that was necessary for my future and the future of my boys I've been waiting to get to the point to be able to do this and the time is now the boys will start in a new school with their cousins in September and I am already looking into town sports and activities for them I know my soon to be ex is angry and bitter about this especially since his hands are tied but he made a decision for himself a few months ago to start this affair and that was exactly how I felt now we both move on and look towards the future we selected for ourselves the past few days I spent at the beach with my dearest friend and her children the kids played, ate pizza swam and made great memories we all did we initiated the mental break from life and just kicking back and soaking in all life has to offer in the evening we tucked in our children who were rightfully exhausted and then sat outside in the warm salty air and talked we sipped white wine and gapped for most of the evening it was so lovely and a reminder that good friends are so necessary the family that you can choose of course our conversation drifted from time to time to my soon to be ex she started speculating on why and when and all other factors that could have led to his decision and there were so many questions after finishing our glasses we came to the conclusion that there is no rhyme or reason and logic fails us in this inquiry what we did start to explore which I had not previously was what were her motivations she legally divorces and a month later is dating my soon to be ex granted they were friends and former colleagues but to jump right into serious dating less than a month after a divorce seemed strange my friend then said she didn't even get the chance to have a rebound then it hit me is my soon to be ex the rebound a man was giving her comfort during a difficult time giving her gifts flying to her etc is it possible this is a safe and comfortable rebound for her aside from regular visits he has flown out there three times just to accompany her to weddings during my investigation before confrontation I read multiple messages from him telling her that he loved her and she did not reciprocate that sentiment maybe she does now but she did not then again I know this is futile a waste of my time and will be fruitless but I'm so curious to this possibility I know many have stated that I speak too much about him should move on with my life I am woman hear me roar but the real truth is this post is therapy to me a diary entry if you will at no point did I ever expect or promise to be a role model or a beacon of shiny light to struggling victims of infidelity instead I am being honest and truthful to what surviving a cheater looks like it's unforgiving it's empowering it's a struggle and most importantly it's a process so yes I will get to the happy place we all hope for but until then this is the journey take the ride with me and see the reality or sit on the sidelines and wait for the happy ending makes no difference to me because I'm strapped in and gunning the gas buckle up buttercup because it's full speed ahead back in may of this year I made the custody schedule that my soon-to-be ex and I currently follow I took into consideration all of his visits out to see her his mistress and I structured a fair and equal schedule again that was May he left on Wednesday evening to go visit her and he was set to take a red eye home last night Sunday and then pick the boys up this morning I confirmed the pickup times before he left and even during the day Sunday I awoke to this message today while I was not happy he seems sincere and I understand flights are currently unpredictable I had appointments scheduled for today and plans this evening which I had to reschedule I had to also explain to the boys that the schedule for today had now changed I told him he should probably avoid red eyes moving forward and he agreed again I'm relaying all of this to you very calmly but I was a bit frustrated and annoyed this morning then I retold the story to my sister and she commented it seems weird that he got the same exact flight time Sunday flight schedules are usually different than Mondays she was right so I looked up the airport he was flying out of and there was no delayed or cancelled flight scheduled for that time on Sunday evening he was lying he never scheduled a flight for Sunday he was always due to return Monday evening he just didn't bother to tell me when I called him out on it and asked for his flight cancellation information he just sent the new flight for this evening and said he wasn't going to get into this with me today all I asked for was a screenshot from his united account showing the flight was cancelled and he couldn't do that instead he just insisted I was crazy and failed to provide any evidence that he was in fact telling the truth this is a great example of what he does on the exterior he is kind and apologetic but deep down he is manipulative and sneaky then when I call him on the BS he is defensive and dismissive he is frustrated because he is always telling me we need to communicate better and meanwhile he still refuses to do so do as I say not as I do I wonder if his mistress knows he did this I doubt it this woman is welcoming this pathological manipulative liar into her life and she has no idea I honestly feel bad for her but I guess that's what you get when you knowingly poach a cheater he is probably telling her I'm going off on him for a completely different reason always making me the bad guy I feel a bit defeated because I know while he lives here and we share this custody arrangement he will continue to take advantage and manipulate me then he gaslights me into thinking I'm crazy it's a cycle that I don't know how to break the part that angers me the most is if he would have told me before he left that he needed an extra day I would have been accommodating I wouldn't have booked appointments or made evening plans okay and told him I'd like to just tack on an extra day somewhere for me no harm no foul why couldn't he just do that why build a story about being at the airport most of the night talking to flight reps for two hours trying to get earlier flights that were booked or expensive why do any of that what or who are you protecting I honestly don't understand his motivations or reasoning all I know is that I need this behavior to stop so I can go about my life first and foremost let me just say the audacity of my soon-to-be ex will never cease to amaze me with that being said let's talk about money January 2020 my soon-to-be ex and I created a marital settlement agreement this MSA had me declining alimony and keeping the house come March 2020 he wanted to change the MSA for a different custody arrangement not for the house or other assets June 2020 we sign our MSA but in our state once the paperwork is served to the defendant they have 30 days to contest the MSA spoiler he did not contest July 2020 I decide I want to sell the house so I have him sign another legal document waving his right to the home and any equity profit from sale now we fast forward to September 2020 he wants the house I swear this man makes his own rules luckily I had hired a lawyer already and she explained to me that his chances of getting the house now are non-existent but he could fight the relocation of the children she explained that would be a lengthy procedure and very expensive on both of our ends I know for a fact my soon-to-be ex is struggling financially so I called his bluff I told him to get a lawyer I can prove financially that I need to sell the house and also show they are moving to a far better school district will be attending school with their cousins have more opportunity for extracurriculars and will have round the clock care from grandparents I took the children to see their new school and it's quite amazing the kids are so excited to go to their new school I have all of the chips stacked in my favor also our MSA has him tentatively moving out of state at some point why would a judge agree to keep them closer it's sad if he will be leaving soon his defense for the relocation it's a long drive really? the commute went from 12 miles to 28 miles I didn't move across the state is it convenient? no I get that but it's not impossible he suggested the boys start their new school in January January? he said they should stay in the house until it is sold this suggestion makes no sense if the commute is your issue the commute change in January newsflash it doesn't it makes zero sense to have the kids start a routine only to pull them out they will start a new school and be behind on whatever curriculum they are teaching so I thought about it what is his motivation to push for January then I realized his lease is up in March he is probably moving to her state so a commute from January to March is much easier than September to March then a decision made in his best interest and not in the boys I think he sees the odds are not in his favor on this one and he has stopped fighting me for now so money it makes the world go round right? it apparently makes my divorce more complicated as well insert I roll my soon to be ex since learning I would be selling the house has asked me on different occasions for 5k then 10k then 15k now with the threat of lawyers 20k um did you eat paint chips as a kid? cause you are serious delusional you are entitled to nothing if I give you a dime it's because I want to and you can't give me a dollar amount that I am gifting you it's my money buddy I told him I'm no longer entertaining talks of money with him he knows he's at my mercy and I kinda like it lastly I received a facebook message which I never saw the person was not my friend I saw it yesterday and lo and behold it's the mistresses ex husband he says to me hi how are you? I feel like we should talk maybe we can help each other figure some things out I just wanted to reach out and see if you wanted to talk about anything I am not really that surprised they talked for years wow plot twist I've heard terrible stories about him but the mistress has heard terrible stories about me which were untrue could she be as big of a liar as my soon to be ex? could the apex know more than I do about their affair when it comes to timeline maybe he knows a move date I feel like this is a conversation I should entertain but cautiously I messaged him back and I'm awaiting a reply I will post once I have some answers readers I'm sorry it has been so long especially with the cliffhanger I left you with my life as usual has been a bit upside down between moving, selling the house starting back to in person school in my graduate program I don't know if I'm coming or going but I of course made time to speak with the affair partners ex husband apex for short first of all as I stated in previous post I was told this man was a terrible person a drunk, a gambler a womanizer etc and stupid me but now I can hear the other side of the story one that isn't tainted by my ex and his mistress I learned so much so forgive me if it seems all jumbled I have no idea where to start so in a nutshell here is what I learned he did have a drinking problem but got sober in 2017 the apex has known that they have talked for years and unlike me knew there was romance brewing I learned that my soon to be ex met her a few years ago for dinner when she was in the area for work and he told her that he loved her she told her husband and he said he knew at that moment something would happen with them eventually and he shut down emotionally with her that was the beginning of the end for him he confirmed my notion that she liked to be fond over he suspects she entertained my soon to be ex for the attention and to receive attention from her husband gross right they were not meshing and grew apart they did not divorce in September of 2020 as I was told but instead they separated at that time and weren't legally divorced till March 2021 even grosser right she raked this man over the coals financially as well she closed out their joint account and took all the money and then filed for divorce what a peach huh she brought up his 2017 rehab stint to get full custody she is also introducing him to her family and friends as her new boyfriend and leaving out the affair and the fact that he is married still the apex is apparently still friendly with her family and some friends and wants to make sure that this fact becomes common knowledge justified exposure and I'm here for it the apex also thought my soon to be ex was already living in their state and was not aware he was staying in her house with her when he visits spoiler it's his house not hers needless to say he is not happy about this he was also not aware till he found me on Facebook that we had children together apparently this wasn't an important detail for the mistress to bring up when she mentioned my soon to be ex to him he also confirmed that she is a spender money is like water and she will probably bleed my soon to be ex dry we ended our hours long text chain with a job for each other he is tasked with finding out the official move date for my soon to be ex and he would like to know when he is traveling to their state and staying in their house few that was a lot I hope you were able to digest all of that I had a rather expensive phone call with my lawyer the other day it turns out he can challenge the MSA for the house but it will be a long process and the divorce will probably be finalized by the time it goes through he also said the timing isn't good as he had his 35 days to dispute the MSA and he has waited until after I put the house on the market to fight for it she assures me the judge will see this as a backpedaling money grab on a legal document that we both agreed to and not support it as for my relocation he can also dispute that but I officially live in this new town and have completely moved out of my house my soon to be ex claims I violated the MSA with legal custody enrolling them in a new school my lawyer again reminded me I am the custodial parent and if I moved they have to go to school wherever I live he is still pushing for the 20k and my lawyer is confident he has zero grounds for receiving it and will ultimately give up this fight as it's an expensive legal process and he is currently in the red financially oh get this the boys had their first day of school on Thursday and I was going to pick them up from my soon to be ex place on Friday and bring them with me so that they can start fresh in the morning the Thursday evening was technically his night to have them but he agreed to me taking them days prior so out of the blue he sends me a text claiming that Thursday was his night and he would keep them home on their first day of school unless I agreed to the 20 thousand dollars excuse me did you just hold my children prisoner for a check are you admitting truancy I told my lawyer this and she balked she said this will be the first screenshot she presents if and when we go to court bottom line nothing is in his favor his mistress is trying to squeeze me like she did her ex but baby girl you don't know me so you obviously don't know who you are fucking with have you ever seen a bronx tale it's a classic coming of age mafia drama with a touch of romance and racial tension okay I'm no cisco in ebert but I think this film is a must watch lately I've been thinking about this film much more there is a scene in the movie in which the young protagonist is angry at a kid who has not paid him back the 20 dollars that he lent him sonny the wise crime boss father figure asks him was he a good friend of yours and the young man replies no I don't even like him so sonny tells him there's your answer right there look at it this way it cost you 20 dollars to get rid of him he's out of your life forever I keep circling back to this scene because I feel like it is so relevant to me now my wish selfish as it may seem to some has always been that my soon to be ex would move away and leave my boys and I to move on peacefully is it possible that by giving him a check that I could make this happen again I'm just toying with this idea I know my soon to be ex I know what he ultimately wants and that's to leave and start a life with her if I give him money I would be financing his move out of my life let me explain how I know this to be true last week when we argued about money and he asked for a ridiculous sum of 20k to pay for his expenses of shuffling the boys back and forth and wear and tear on his car I called his bluff I told him I'd give him the 20k but stipulated that he can't move out of state for two years he was enraged at this you can't tell me what to do with it and where I can live blah blah blah if he really wanted money to pay for commuting expenses for the kids like he claimed he would have snatched this deal but he didn't so I know he has no intention of staying so if and I said if I decide to give him money it would only be carried out after he signs a legal document stating that he is receiving a one-time payment I have been more open to this idea because one I want him to go two my house is under contract and I am receiving well over asking three if he moves out of state he owes me close to 1k a month in child support and I'll make my initial investment back in no time but I also hate the idea this man bet it all in one I was the victim and I lost and I feel like I keep losing I know I'm playing the long game here and years from now when the mistress bleeds him dry and or he cheats again because he will or my kids grow to learn what he did and want no part of him I will have won but I feel like for that to happen I have to take some lumps now I'm going all three rounds and the bell hasn't even rung for the end of the first I have a lot of thinking and talking to my lawyer to do is it another loss for me to give him the money is it just another of my elaborate yet patient plans like the one that started this post months ago I'm still debating sometimes and only sometimes my life shocks even me I sit back and look at the situation and think this poor girl how did she ever get here then I snap back to reality and realize that poor girl is me just when I think the worst has been done and I've seen it all another event surprises even me it's like I'm walking around in complete state of disbelief and my jaw is locked in an open and stupefied position for very short days ago I actually had a moment of weakness and entertain the idea of giving him what he wanted yet again and signing a check over to him and then just to kick himself in the pants today happens and now there is zero doubt in my mind he will never see anything from me and that's the only thing he will be able to take to the bank Wednesday and Thursday night according to this month's custody schedule that he made were supposed to be his overnights he told me a few days ago that he had to be in work very early Friday morning and asked if he could drop the boys off Thursday evening and lose his night with them due to work I said okay and we kept it moving today Friday while at work I get a text from apex the mistress text him to warn him that my soon to be ex would be there at 8 a.m. Saturday morning to watch their oldest child sports practice she wanted to give him a heads up and asked apex to be respectful this would be the first time they have met apex isn't thrilled about it and I don't blame him but apex text me to give me a heads up that he was in their state but wait how could this be he had to go into work this morning he usually works from home due to the virus and there is no way he could be there so I thought about it how could I figure out that he took a flight this morning or potentially after work today then I remembered he has my easy pass in his car if you don't know what easy pass is it is a toll pass transponder that allows you to zip through road tolls but records the date time and location so I returned to my Nancy drew days of your and logged into my account and there it was he left his apartment at the first toll at 558 a.m. and exited at the toll for the airport at 603 yes it's a short distance especially at 6 a.m. this was not the direction he needed to head to for work he obviously boarded a plane this morning so he gave up an evening with his kids on a night he scheduled to go to see her and her children and then lied to me about it just to be at her son's practice and eat dinner with them and not his own boys ladies and gents I present to you father of the freaking year so I call him multiple times no answer and forwarded to voicemail most of the times as well then I text him he reads but does not respond then he finally responds almost 3 hours later and says he was on a plane and wasn't ignoring me and he didn't board until after he was done with work which was after 1 p.m. then I tell him I've seen the easy pass and he reads my messages and doesn't respond he has been caught he has no defense caught in a time-stamped lie how can you defend yourself from that spoiler you can't but honestly I'm happy so so happy he helped me make my decision about the money for the tiniest second I thought we were going to reach common ground and be amicable that we've established mutual respect and we're going to be forthcoming adults haha stupid me he's in fart face and incapable of that insert face palm slap so I deactivated the easy pass have fun paying tolls on your way home he's broke and can't afford a lawyer's retainer so he just paid a lumpy fee to have a document drafted that asks for the 20k I'm supposed to sign it and return it to him I told my lawyer to ignore the letter it's not a filed motion it's a letter asking no no begging for money he doesn't deserve so it will be ignored want to take me to court pay a lawyer like I did and then after you wasted money you don't have on a case that I have checked and doubled checked that I can't lose then maybe you'll see how royally screwed you really are at about 10 30 a.m. I had to text him I didn't want to I want to start keeping him at arms length but I had to make sure he was picking the boys up from school so I text him and asked for confirmation he seemed confused as to why I needed confirmation perhaps it's because you are irresponsible and completely unpredictable I had questions for him about why he lied but I realized asking would be futile he would just lie or gaslight or even ignore so I decided to do the same why am I jeopardizing my sanity it's like pulling teeth and honestly all the teeth are rotten but then to my surprise he starts interrogating me he has questions about apex well apparently apex spoke to the mistress and stated that he questioned my soon to be ex's character since he is still married her response they separated before we did lie and their paperwork has been in the courts for over a year waiting to be processed second lie I think I see why my soon to be ex and her get along so well literally made for each other anyway apex knew when we separated and that we are still married so he retorted that we've only been separated since December 2020 I trusted apex with a little bit of info and our cover is blown my soon to be ex wanted to know how he knew this since apparently me him and the mistress are the only ones who know we are still legally married what's wrong honey afraid people will find out your dirty little secret her friends and family will find out that she is a husband stealer yikes that won't help the perfect little image you have my soon to be ex claimed the apex is scum safe can't be trusted and if I'm talking to him I need to stop wait hold up did you just try to tell me what to do I'm sorry you must have me confused with someone who has to listen to you cause I know damn well that's not me so I ask what does it matter if I talk to him I didn't choose to have children with him if he is so unstable her procreating with him is more unsafe than me speaking to him this sounds like a her problem and not a me problem again I think him saying he is unsafe for the children is using her kids as the scapegoats I think they are just afraid of their dirty laundry being aired concerning the neglecting of our kids to hop a plane to her state he claims that I have it all wrong warning here comes the lies and gas lighting he claims he drove to the airport in the morning boarded mass transit and headed to work then returned to the airport and hopped a plane are you crazy this is the craziest thing I've ever heard not to mention he lives in a commuter town closer to the city he works in than the actual airport how does this even make sense my reply listen up it doesn't matter I don't ever expect you to be honest and that's fine you've lied to me for over a decade and I don't expect any of that to change it doesn't matter it's your affair partners issue now not mine then he went on to defend himself claiming he hasn't lied about a thing a dear friend told me he thinks he is playing you and winning but he is playing this game alone I'm not a competitor sitting across from him at the chess board each time he thinks he's winning by dealing me a blow he's actually hurting himself every lie he tells makes it a little bit easier to not give a crap every stupid selfish thing he does only helps my case against him he is playing this chess game by dealing with himself and every winning move is a loss only once the divorce is finalized and the chess board is cleared will he see that his king has fallen and all the pieces are mine wolves travel in packs elephants form herds birds flock together cheaters keep close company could this last statement be true I believe so let me tell you all a story these friends along with their amazing wives would spend time with my soon to be ex and I going to dinners children's birthday parties concerts and football Sundays while the wives and I had no connection except our husbands we ultimately became friends this is the story of those women they're soon to be exes and how narcissists attract narcissists friends these women are all now divorced or going through the process we have found strength in each other and for that I am grateful if you thought my story was intense I hope this post makes you realize there are women in situations just as inconceivable as mine I addressed the other two members of the first wives club about posting their stories and they were excited to let the world know anonymously of course their stories I asked each woman to select a nickname that represented their ex and I'm excited to tell you the story of Dobby and Campanella Dobby this man was an outgoing man who was always the life of the party sometimes irresponsible but always concerned with the well being of others he was always very kind to me and when he met his now ex I was over the moon for them both she is a smart and spicy woman who is kind and painfully honest they seem to compliment each other so well and I even shed a tear at their wedding but only a few short months after their wedding things would take a turn Dobby was cheating with men yes you heard right folks men and how did she find out well he came clean via a text message while she was working wow talk about timing he should have been upfront and honest about his uncertainty with his partner before the marriage she was hurt and confused and questioned how she got there while he looked for men online of course his narcissistic mentally made him a victim she is the only one legally divorced now and she is living her best life moved out of state got a great job and is embracing her new lease on life I'm so proud of her and hope to be her one day soon Campanella let me tell you about this man this guy literally stepped in it when he met his soon to be ex she is a literal beauty queen who is kind comes from a good family and so very intelligent but early on into their marriage there were questions about his loyalty to her on one occasion she found a bumble profile of his in which his profile picture simply cropped her out dude on the outside he was outgoing and a friend to all but obviously he was too friendly while he not only had issues with commitment he also has issues that need to be clinically diagnosed when I say this I mean his mood shifted with the wind started to become very nasty he would yell at her and say such terrible and undeserving things perhaps he was pushing her away out of guilt or maybe he's just a jerk my money is on the ladder but never fear remember I said she was intelligent she started recording his rants and verbal abuse she had enough evidence and was about to leave but he got smart and realized what she was doing at that point he took her phone and deleted all the saved voice memos and then took a swing at her big tough guy right the next day she picked their child up from day care filed a restraining order and never returned today his moods still change he sends her pictures of women he's dating and then a day later he's begging her to get back together the first wives and I agree that he is only doing this because the fear of being alone is now overtaking him who will feed his narcissistic ego he will probably be just like my soon to be ex when he meets a new fool I mean woman to coddle him my point in sharing these stories was simple we are all dealing with narcissists some stories are more complex than others but all are tragic for the victims so if you are reading this and think my story is too wild to exist please know that my story is one of many that can be told in the end though we are all better off for taking the steps to move on I hope if you are struggling with a narcissist cheater, abuser or overall piece of trash partner that you take the steps to leave and move on there is better out there for you you just need to step outside and find it I dread Mondays not because of returning to the work routine well also because of the work routine but because of the return of my soon to be ex on Mondays he returns from a long weekend visiting the mistress in her state and he usually returns guns a blazing he will text me paragraphs demanding things he will become even more hard headed and confrontational yes, he develops beer muscles for lack of a better term he spent a carefree weekend playing the role of supportive boyfriend and amazing stepdad I am sure he is excellent at it it is very easy to put on a temporary show while there I picture them laying on her couch and coming up with evil ways to destroy me ruin me financially or just plain shit talk me none of this is good her hate for me is probably all rooted in a lie he told about me don't worry love, the lies will start involving you soon too be ready they probably sip cheap wine and evil laugh to themselves I picture her cackling and snorting at elaborate scheme they create to demolish me gross so Monday he returns with an agenda a to-do list created by his puppet master I can see it now 1. berate her early in the morning while she is just starting work so she can start her day off unpleasantly 2. demand money that you are not legally entitled to if you annoy her enough she might cave right? harassment goes a long way 3. tell her about all the things she has done wrong none of this is factual and a twisted truth but she is a nice person she will feel guilty anyway 4. half-heartedly apologize for the affair don't actually mean it because hey, you can't change it and you aren't actually sorry but it's nice to be patronizing 5. remind her you are doing everything in the best interest of the children having an affair potentially moving out of state fighting their mom on every decision not giving her money for them losing your temper at the drop of the hat when you have them all is in their best interest, right? by the time he checks off his honey-do list my head is spinning I'm emotionally exhausted and angry I feel helpless, alone and strangely guilty I honestly feel guilty I subjected my kids to this why did I choose this man why did I do this to them but this time it was different this time I didn't want to play the helpless victim this time I took charge I called the courthouse to see what is delaying my divorce turns out the courts must be operated by Lloyd and Harry because they misplaced half of my paperwork yes they misplaced or improperly filed legal documents pertaining to my divorce and maybe many others as well so I called my lawyer who was also a badass woman and she gave that clerk hell when I spoke to her afterwards she was ranting and out of breath if anyone wants her business card let me know she is worth the money anyway I get an email from her today that they are fast tracking my divorce skipping the zoom calls and making a final decision just from the submitted paperwork well I'll be damned looks like my divorce is closer than I had imagined goodbye helplessness hello freedom today was a normal day normal refusal to get out of bed normal straining to put my face on in the mirror normal coffee normal gridlock just from stop and go gridlock normal work banter normal paperwork normal return home gridlock normal homework normal dinner normal wrangling of children for bedtime just well normal as I settled in from my rather routine day I noticed that my emails have no refreshed all day waiting for the red bubble to appear with an ungodly high double digit number I cringe at the thought of emails I've missed that need replying I swipe through all the junk and ads offering discounts we all know they aren't real discounted savings in those promo emails and see an email from my lawyer the subject congrats I stop a hard full stop like a deer in headlights it has to be it this is everything I've been excited for everything I wanted my future scary and unpredictable all sit in an email just waiting to be opened I am ecstatic and petrified I know when I open the email and read her words that not only am I starting a new chapter it's a whole new god damn book honestly in that moment I'm afraid and jealous of my soon to be ex I'm so angry that he has taken the cowards way out through this whole process never did he experience the heart ache trauma frustration, jealousy and inadequacies that I felt like the vile toad he is he jumped from my lily pad to hers and never even got wet meanwhile I'm in a pond with no lily pads in sight and I feel like I'm sinking I listen to my own thoughts and I'm disgusted with this woe is me mentality but it can't be shook I think I have the right to feel this way but the badass in me refuses to show the world the fear I am suppressing I swallow hard and open it we are done the process is done I'm free, I should be drinking popping the bubbly and celebrating but I think what people don't say is that when you divorce it's more like death death to a life you had death to the stability you thought you had death to the comfort you had grown accustomed to now I ask myself what do people do in times of death and despair they eat, check they find comfort in friends and family check my loved ones are my rock whom I rely on heavily they remember the good times check, I have my boys as a constant reminder that even though it went south I have two amazing people to show from it they move on there it is, move on I need to look to the future no, not just a romantic one but a future that is mine to take decisions that are mine to make memories that are mine to create and for once I can be selfish I can make the calls that benefit my boys and I I can grab life by the horns and tame that bitch put its head on my mantle as a reminder of the time that I found bravery and faced life head on I'm ready, so loyal readers who sat with me from the beginning let this be the post you've been waiting for a woman who has come full circle a woman who might not have created a perfect circle but she is trying a woman who will still have major bumps and divots ahead tackling him persistently asking for money moving and just being a plain old jerk some of you will stop reading and if this is our goodbye then I thank you and wish you the best some may continue to read only to hear what becomes of my ex-husband and the future karma he may face I have found it so helpful for myself to be real, honest and vulnerable in my writing I hope I have helped some of you in the process and for that reason I will continue to write, for you and for me I have navigated this whole experience blindly and have revealed to you my story and my sacred inner thoughts so I leave you with just one more piece of advice stay classy, sassy and a bit bad assy I thought it would be easy the weight dropped and instantly super model thin, but that's a lie anyone who says the drama ends with divorce is lying to you it's a trap, that person can't be trusted the problems just change it's like drama got a facelift but it's still ugly at its core the house is sold, the huge check has been deposited and here comes the troll from under the bridge he furrows his brow and demands his money and new custody just when I feel like we reached a stale tolerance of each other here come the dramatics here is the latest struggle trips to her state with the kids he wants them for Christmas I agreed Christmas Eve with me and Christmas Day they hop a plane to sunny Dubai and they spend the holiday week as a family, cute right I asked they be back for New Year's Eve and my birthday that was a struggle but New Year's Eve is my holiday this year he protests okay but Christmas Day is a shared holiday which I am giving to you compromise but compromise nonetheless then he starts to inquire about taking our 5 and 9 year old on random weekend trips there do you even understand the exhaustion they will feel Monday in school after 2 trips at 5 hours each way in less than 72 hours how is this what is best for them I think it's what you want the desire to play house but it's not what's best for them I suggest he looks to take them on extended weekends or spring break he then says that he expects a problem with holidays when he moves I remind him our MSA says he will come here one weekend a month not the other way around he is out of his gourd if he thinks I'm going to allow our children to fly that often during the school year but don't worry loyal readers I'm honestly not sure how many of you are left this is something I will not budge on our MSA states the custody he comes here they do not go there unless it is for 4 5 weeks in the summer sorry play house with her kids not with ours he is grumpy and accuses me of doing what I please and expecting everyone to fold I remind him I followed the custody schedule he wanted compromised on his travel and holidays and have even negotiated a small amount of cash for him how am I winning I'm being too nice I am folding but since he didn't get everything he wanted I am the bad guy sigh hello Narcissist it's been a while but I see you are still around and staying strong my thought is if I stay strong and firm about him coming here he will eventually stop coming is that terrible kinda is that necessary also kinda I don't know what the best thing is perhaps I let my feelings about them playing house hurt me but I have to remind myself it will probably short lived something about leopards and spots I remind myself to stay focused on the real issue the boys this will all come to a conclusion and eventually run its course stay strong and stay firm just till his eventual move time heals time reveals truth time I need it to hurry up for months my ex and I have gone back and forth about the topic of travel for the holidays in October he suggested he take the boys to her state for the holiday I agreed but wanted them home for New Year's Eve and my birthday celebration he agreed easy peasy no fuss no must then a few weeks later he complained he wouldn't have the boys for either holiday Christmas day is a shared day so I reluctantly agreed to return the boys on the evening of the 24th so they may spend Christmas day in her state all was well with that decision yet again then I guess the little birdie he cheated with chirped in his ear again and he came back a few weeks later and demand he get New Year's Eve as well it was technically his holiday but I gave him Christmas day for it or I should fly out to pick up the kids if I wanted them back for New Year's sigh this co-parenting with the mistresses input is tiring realizing that we could never compromise I told him we stick to our legal agreement we share Christmas day and he gets them New Year's to be returned on the first he was not happy with this deal either bottom line if he doesn't get 100% of what he wants he isn't happy but I know sticking to only the legal agreement will benefit me and the boys in the long run I say this because earlier this month he said when he moves across the country it will be expensive and difficult for him to come back here monthly to visit as our MSA states he wants the boys to go there monthly instead oh no no no we are not shuttling young boys across the country monthly because you no longer like the legal agreement we made I emailed my lawyer and gave her a heads up this was his thought process in case the situation gets sticky in the months to come her and I are prepared so by sticking to the MSA now I can give zero wiggle room in the months to come on Wednesday I got a call from the school nurse telling me my five-year-old was a close contact of a positive student in his class I called my mother immediately to have him picked up scheduled a test for both boys and then called my ex his first response well that freaks up my trip um yes our son is fine thanks for asking now both boys are a close contact and can't travel so what does he do he boards an earlier flight and disappears wow I shouldn't be surprised guest spending Christmas with her kids was more of a priority I know some of you will say about his health he is risking exposure too well my son was exposed on Monday the 20th my ex had both boys the 20th till the 22nd he wouldn't be risking exposure he was already exposed in this case I'm sharing this story now as I wanted to wait for their COVID tests but after months of back and forth and him changing our arrangement the boys don't even end up going he says he is devastated that the boys couldn't go but had zero issue failing early and not seeing them at all for Christmas both boys are fine and are actually getting tested again tomorrow for their return to school next week now that I know they are not sick I can only assume this whole thing was karma his selfish behavior and hard headed mentality was for nothing karma my ex called at 7 30 pm Christmas evening to have a 90 second chat with them and has yet to ask me how anyone feels didn't even ask about test results I wonder if his affair partner knew this was why the boys did not travel perhaps he lied and said I was not allowing them to I only say this because she has a small child who is not a vaccination age I really hope for that child's sake my ex isn't an asymptomatic carrier I will be requiring him to get tested as well before he picks up the boys on the fourth I'm sure he will say he is fine or just say he got tested already to which I will ask to see the results I've learned the hard way his word means less than nothing I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday the boys and I had a fantastic time happy new year to you all while I have always been good at thinking a few steps ahead and seeing the writing on the wall before it has even been written there was one thing I was always sure of he was moving for months he danced around it why? excellent question I wish I could answer it there are a lot of questions I wish I had answers for but one thing was always obvious he was leaving to live a life with her and her children now let's analyze this logically why would you have an affair with a woman across the country visit every other weekend as well as long holidays if you never had any intention of living there and making it work just that piece of evidence is all you need but wait, there's more the boys told me before Christmas that daddy got a job at a big well-known company I told them that wasn't correct thinking that he told them he worked there just so they would understand that he worked for a company in some capacity putting a face to a name if you will so when I finally asked him purely in conversation he told me the boys were right and I hope you are sitting down for this news his office is located in her state so why, why would you take a job in her state if you weren't sure if you were going to move there I also sent him a custody schedule early this month that runs through May 1st and he has never even looked at it normally he's quickly responding and telling me weekends he has booked to travel to her something wasn't right lastly, his lease is up March 1st no way he was going to re-up for a year sometimes I feel like I need to check myself in the mirror he must see idiot written across my forehead somewhere and I have yet to find it so he texted me yesterday to tell me the news this isn't news this is information you have known and have withheld I don't and probably never will understand why he can't be transparent I'm not asking for personal details I need information to schedule the rest of my life literally the rest of my life because as I and many of you have speculated I doubt he will be in their lives for much longer is that sad? yeah it's superficially sad the boys will not have a father around but he wasn't really the father they needed lately he has been better but it really was a last ditch effort to save the fragile and awkward relationship they have I think about how ten years from now when they are older and understand I have no idea how they will react towards him knowing that he had an affair constantly and then disappeared four months after our divorce was legalized might really alter the relationship the three of them have as adults how he maintains that relationship over the next few years will be important I hope for everyone's sake there is some effort but as a magic eight ball would say out look not so good the upside is my child support is more than doubling this will be helpful as I have been house hunting and that extra money would help me get a better house for the boys and I I'm excited for this the boys are excited for this I think the three of us are eager to start our lives over they have already asked to come see houses with me to pick out their bedrooms and are excited for the possibility of getting a pool I hope I can check all of their boxes they deserve everything it's almost here I have every type of emotion swirling through me will I miss him hell no I think what controls me the most is the probability that he will be selfish right until the end let me give you some context he is moving by Sia don't let the door hit you now any normal well adjusted person would prepare right well not him oh no not him instead he has spent his child free weekends in her state I learned through mutual friends that he was celebrating birthdays of her friends to a fancy Valentine's day evening again normally this would be none of my business and I would have no reason to care except he has already hinted that he will not be taking the kids the last weekend of the month as scheduled apparently opting to enjoying his weekends and then give me the children on his scheduled weekend to finally handle his priorities but who cares about my time right but I ask more importantly what about the kids is this Sia later only to disappear like a thief in the night no explanation just a normal goodbye that translates to goodbye forever here is my prediction he is currently across the country he will return on Monday the 21st to have the kids for 2 nights and then disappear poof Houdini himself couldn't pull off a better trick the greatest disappearing trick of all time now let me tell you what brought me to this idea it wasn't a crystal ball but simply his inability to provide detail he has sold everything that mattered to him or was worth anything years of expensive memorabilia piled into a U-Haul and sold he is also having his car shipped across country good idea but when I asked when it was being shipped he told me the guy hasn't given me a date so you hired a company and told them you are out of here on 3-1 and they have not given you a ship date my guess he has a date that he isn't willing to share because he knows it will prevent him from being here for his parenting time I've seen this movie so many times at this point I can recite the dialogue when I talked to him about this he claimed he was doing the best I can and I don't have any help so I offered to help I told him I had offered to help him pack up things on both weekends but he chose to be in her state instead his reply, stop trying to control the situation wait, I offered to help because you had no help and you classified that as me being controlling that bothered me not because he's a prick I know that part can't be helped but because he knows me he knows that wasn't a controlling comment so why say it I realized he said this because he has to me being a good person brings him guilt he knows this move is selfish he knows he has been difficult he knows the affair was wrong to make me the villain than to face his own faults perhaps he has told so many lies about what an evil person I am to his affair partner that he now believes them whatever the reason, the chameleon has changed his color he is now her shade and will blend in and mimic whatever she feels this is something narcissists do he is charming and agreeable to her if she has an opinion about me it's now his opinion as well she is his new supply and he will drink it up he will mold himself to everything she is until he gets bored until the allure fades daily life and routine set in and she is no longer feeding his ego and then what then he does what he did to me he pulls away, he resents he's secretive, he cheats and then vilifies again the chameleon will change their color it's just the chameleon's simpy nature the day came and the day went last Saturday he left yes, my prediction was right he said he wasn't changing a cross-country trip to keep the kids his last weekend even though just a few days before he said, thing are up in the air about the move I wish I knew something about gambling because I could have bet it all and won I'm sure anyone that has kept up with my story since the beginning also knew the odds of him leaving early we could have all made a few coins he dropped off some things to the house on Thursday evening and said bye to the kids it wasn't emotional or long-winded just a hug and a goodbye the next day I went to his place to get the larger objects that did not fit in his car we packed my car in silence and then once the trunk was closed the awkward moment began do I just leave throw him deuces and jump in my car what is the protocol for saying goodbye to the man you were married to for 10 years knew for 15 had children with cheated on you etc so I just said well I guess that's goodbye good luck to you out there he then looked at his feet and started shifting his weight no this can't be what I think it is is he sad he then says come on you are going to make me cry I'm going to make you cry that statement made me furious so I said why the hell would you cry every decision you've made for the past 18 months was all for this moment you wanted this and you got it he wanted validation he wanted reassurance bottom line is he's comfortable with me and he knows I'm a logical person he wanted me to tell him this was the right thing to do that it was okay he is leaving the kids hell maybe that it's okay that he cheated I guess my comment made him realize of moral support are long gone and he stiffened up I turned to get into my car and as I left I said so much for the past 15 years goodbye he scoffed good he's angry with me again I prefer that I spoke to him for the first time yesterday since he left the boys spring break is in a month and the plan was that they would be going to him for the week I sent him a message asking about dates and he did not seem eager he said he had to look at a calendar and work on things on his end he didn't jump at the comment I made about keeping them for Easter and my oldest's birthday either something is up turns out her children will be in school that week and they both have to work who will watch entertain the kids for a week he is not going to make it work I don't think he can even if he wanted to to all my betting people what are the chances the boys go visit him for a week in April now on to new business I met someone well I didn't just meet someone I've been dating someone since December and dare I say it he's really amazing I have hesitated to say anything as honestly I'm scared I'm afraid the same thing will happen to me again I'm afraid to introduce the boys to someone and then it dissolves I'm afraid of truly opening to someone again but I will say so far he is completely different than my ex I'm cautious but enjoying his company affection and attention he knows my story he's been in the room while I've had phone calls with my ex and he has heard the gaslighting firsthand I think he is being very patient with me because of this I warned him early this would take me time and he understand I'm not the same woman I was two years ago that's not a good thing or a bad thing it's the truth so for now I'm cautiously optimistic taking it day by wonderful day with him 10 days that's when the boys spring break starts it's only 10 days away and still no word from the ex about airfare and travel arrangements back in the beginning of March when I asked him about this we tried to figure out logistics I say we but it was actually me I volunteered to pay my way to fly out there I was going to have a mini vacation for myself after drop off and he would pay for the boys airfare he assured me that he had travel credits from their missed Christmas trip and all would be covered then radio silence not a peep I'd ask about dates and he'd say he needed to check his work calendar then it was I have to check our calendar lastly it was the airline is giving me problems with my credit so I waited I waited three weeks tonight I had to make the call I wish I never would have picked up the phone I was going to have to check his number he informs me that his credit is for only one set of tickets so he says how do you want to work this you want to pay their way here and I'll pay for the flight back no no I do not want to do that hard pass this is not my responsibility to pay you agreed via our MSA to come here once a month you decided it was too big of an expense and now want them to come to you you moved across the country for a woman and left your children now you need to pay their airfare or come here he told me we have 50-50 custody so travel expenses should be the same he told me he spoke to people people are obviously his girlfriend and they think our arrangement is absurd and unfair okay there chief whatever you say please show me the law degree of said people he said our whole MSA needs to be changed want to change it? no problem get a lawyer because financially he can't he couldn't afford to pay 2,000 in airline tickets but can't afford a lawyer we went in circles arguing the same points and I realized none of us were being heard so I told him to get a lawyer and hung up so I opened up my wallet yet again and called my lawyer that's one bill I will never be angry about paying she told me he can make demands until he is blue in the face but until he hires a lawyer and files for the change it's all just hot air then even after he files she is confident that a judge will see his reneging on our legal agreement as a negative then the judge will ask why he moved and when they see it was purely for his benefit and not at the best interest of the children he will not alter the agreement best part is if he files he will have to travel back to my state to attend court but doesn't want to travel here to visit the kids moral of the story he never really cared about the kids it was all about besting me besting me out of money time, sanity the list goes on and on the hard truth is he has moved on I was perfectly fine with him moving on and leaving me behind I welcomed that but the kids, that hurts they are slowly asking less about him and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing bad for him I'm sure but for the kids it might just be the best I'd like to introduce you to a new game I play some who are survivors of infidelity and narcissist might be familiar with this game I like to call it healthy or trauma being in a new relationship after you have left a cheater is hard mentally and emotionally I find myself loving every minute with him enjoy the comfort we give each other but I also find myself analyzing things more than I ever have I have not been in a healthy relationship so I often find myself wondering what is normal and what is not is this action, behavior or response a healthy one or am I doomed to make the same mistake again for the first few months I played this game in silence he ignored what I said to him when he was watching the game normal I had to ask him to help me with something normal he answered a text and put his phone in his pocket trauma he plays a video game and disappears a little bit trauma he has been unbelievably patient with me and navigating me through this new relationship and it has made me so comfortable the trust is building but it's not sturdy it's not the empire state building more like the leaning tower of pizza it was becoming exhausting playing this back and forth game in my head I knew I didn't want to make the mistakes I've made in the past am I being too cautious and over analyzing yes probably but who wouldn't in my place was I getting in my own way by doing this what should I do to ensure this relationship is healthy and grows I decided to start at the beginning I wanted to correct the first wrong step I took with my ex not communicating properly so I told him about my game I told him that I over analyze he knew this part already but the game bit was new and I question if things are part of a healthy relationship or am I leading towards trauma again he understood he laughed he comforted he hugged so while I have not been able to stop playing my game I'm now no longer the only player he understands my thought processes and communicates with me he sees the wheels turning in my head and puts them to a grinding halt I apologize to him for how my mind works and he won't hear of it we are rebuilding he says yes yes we are we've reached an impasse there is no forward progress just a brutal stalemate or better yet a staring contest and neither of us have blinked for weeks as many of you know the boys did not visit in April because of his last minute money grab to have me split airfare we ended our last conversation slash disagreement discussed for each other by agreeing to both get lawyers well as of last night he has not retained a lawyer but still expects the boys to come visit in July how are you driving to 400 plus miles here and back hitchhike magic carpet how because last I knew we agreed there was no resolving this on our own and a trip to court was necessary he told me he didn't have time to start this argument what argument there is nothing to argue get a lawyer and let them argue for us so now this is my dilemma do I just start the court process on my own he hasn't seen the boys in three months and that's enough missed parenting to warrant a trip back to court for compensation for missed parenting time a change in physical custody as well as altering child support payments now he wants to change our agreement to spring break Christmas break and four to five weeks in the summer and eliminate the monthly visits okay fine by me but that will result in less parenting time for you and more child support for me when I said this to him during our argument he told me it's all about the money for you no sir it's not about the money but that's the law less parenting time equals more child support for the other parent don't like it take it up with the state he's never going to get a lawyer this I'm sure of so if I start the process to change our physical custody agreement and seek a judgment on travel expenses he will be forced to retain a lawyer so do I do it I figure I have to do it this may bankrupt him I'm sure his girlfriend will not be happy with the loss of a few hundred more a month either but I also think that if things are ruled in my favor he will never be able to afford to fly the kids out there do I want that I keep blaming myself saying that I'll cause him to go broke or that me digging my heels in about travel expenses is preventing him from seeing the kids but it's not this is all his doing his selfish decisions were made and now I feel guilty about making my own decisions for me and the boys so let me get that out of my head and move forward just as he did do I file for the change in circumstance and modify the agreement I think and so does my lawyer that I will win this disagreement so what do I have to lose right in my last post I struggled with the idea of bringing my ex back to court I know I said struggled but it was really the only thing I could do there would be no resolve on our own we were just making demands of each other and the whole time there was no conclusion so I called my lawyer she drafted a post-judgment order listing my wishes those being he pays all the travel expenses for the boys his parenting time goes to the three times a year like he wanted his child support is increased to the amount necessary for the change in parenting pretty cut and dry my lawyer emailed this to him then we waited and waited and waited some more after some time of no response she sent the same judgment order to him via certified mail a week later he responded a few days later and said he was obtaining counsel and would come back once he had time to write up a response well tonight I got it and oh man what a waste of time I'll spare you all the gory details but basically the sticking point has not changed he still wants me to pay 42% of the travel we wasted weeks we are back where we started we are staring at each other just playing chicken so now what what was the point of all this I think I know he never obtained counsel I found out from apex that the affair partners I guess girlfriend now brother is an attorney my ex has claimed to my lawyer he has hired counsel but in reality her brother is helping him word documents to me pro bono okay that's fine but this whole time I'm paying a lawyer I'm wasting dollars and he is wasting favors we are not the same this whole ordeal is costing me and it's because of his actions that we are doing this his emails and texts to me are professional and kind he wants me to cave he wants me to be kind he wants all this because if we don't come to an agreement we go back to court then he has to fly here find lodging miss work and most importantly hire a lawyer now he is the one out a few bucks bucks he would spend on his new lifestyle by new lifestyle I mean vacations and nights out in the past four weeks they have had two weekend getaways to spa resorts his weekend with the kids should have been Memorial Day weekend instead he spent it at a resort with her well looks like he is going to have to empty his wallet because now it's time to spend some money on his kids I think the part that chaps my booty the most was on his revisions of the document he wanted to change the phrase to accommodate defendants choice to relocate and not travel to this is an agreed upon modification based on the defendants inability to travel what what inability are you facing your words to me were my life is here now and I'm never returning to that location that sounds like a tantrum and not an inability long story short my lawyer is filing the papers and we are returning to court I can't wait to hear him explain his inability to the judge pop the popcorn this is going to be a movie I read all of your comments chats and private messages I may not reply to all but they have been read by doing this I have noticed a pattern people always tell me to not feel guilty take him for what he's worth you should have gone scorched earth etc some people have chalked my behavior up to maturity being a good mom decent person model citizen superwoman okay I added that one and they may be correct but the real and embarrassing truth is hard to swallow it's called trauma bonding this bond is felt by an empath when they become involved with a narcissist the narcissist courts them love them feeds their love in excess until the empath is stuffed then sometimes without warning they start starving them but the empath holds on to every pound hoping for that sweet tasting love again a few crumbs are thrown at the empath and the bond is strengthened again I've had years of this fluctuating diet and I still remember how good that cake tasted even though it was very bad for me it's not easy to begin again to learn how to eat properly as anyone who has had to keep a strict diet they know how hard it is to shed those pounds and not miss cake it takes dedication support and a real desire to change realizing that cake wasn't worth it after years of loving it comes in time I'm getting there the taste of the cake is fading so while I still have some taste buds that yearn for a morsel I am slowly learning to decline a sliver today was the first step in putting down the fork I stopped feeling sorry for him I stopped negotiating I stopped thinking of his needs 2 weeks ago he sent an email with 3 options for our custody issue every option was garbage it either resulted in less child support so he can afford travel or a shared travel cost and more child support please tell me how supporting your children financially is negotiable how is that even an option that comes to your mind and how is that in the best interest of the children so you want to not see them pay me less money to help support them so you can fly them out to you and have a grand old time his wording in his email was as follow it is not financially feasible for me to pay for 100% of travel cost for two three trips each year in addition to the increased child support and other expenses I'm responsible for yikes sounds like you got yourself into a pickle there buddy my lawyer contacted him and said there will be no more back and forth we are filing an application with the court on Monday since the courts are all back to in person he will have to fly here and make an appearance she sent him my proposed order with a few modification I had originally agreed to as a compromise but also left all travel expenses to him as well as increased child support he has until Friday to decide if he agrees to my terms or would like to go to court he calls in your court now after weeks, no months of this back and forth he finally did what I never thought he would do hire a lawyer I think all the favors he was calling in on her lawyer family members was becoming a bit too much so he reluctantly hired counsel 10 days ago my lawyer emailed me and told me he finally obtained counsel she said his lawyer was nice and reasonable and saw eye to eye on some of our requests some of our request I have one request he pays for travel so I think his counsel sees he doesn't really stand a chance in court I was informed they were going to come up with some solutions and get back to us that was July 25th and I am impatiently waiting after that email from my lawyer I just stood for a bit with this new information his lawyer must know he doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning this so what could other solutions be the anticipation is killing me I spoke to him a few days later and the topic of lawyers came up I honestly thanked him for getting a lawyer so we can straighten this mess out and finally get to a resolution he said he did get a lawyer but he didn't want to he then said there is zero precedent for me shouldering 100% of the costs out there I have pitched multiple scenarios where we could make something work I didn't want to put it in the hands of a judge that knows nothing about us then a stack of paper and two people representing us it's a massive risk on both ends and from my view it's unnecessary was he right was this a risk what precedent is he referring to exactly but when you really look at the statement you see the real meaning he didn't want this to go to court because then the decision is in the hands of a third party who knows the law and just sees what's on paper so what's on paper that he is so afraid of the fact that we have a legal agreement he now wants to change the fact that he has not used his parenting time to see our kids since february the fact that the child support calculations are not correct since he has not fulfilled his parenting time yeah I could see how you wouldn't want that information coming to light in court he was hoping he could just guilt me or wear me down till I finally caved but with a judge involved that won't happen all his selfish acts will be on full display I can't wait to see the solutions his council presents any day now, any day this is going to be a lot so get ready on thursday I had my boarding pass in my hand and my boyfriend schoolgirl squeal next to me simply giddy about our first vacation together my parents knowing how hard I work in my career graduate school and parenting offered to take the boys for four days for that I am so grateful I was excited looking forward to having adult time without having to get anyone a snack referee fighting or recharge an iPad and right on cue my phone dings it's my ex he informs me that next friday he will be coming back to our state and would like to spend the day with the boys yes, just one day take the whole weekend or an overnight at least he declined my offer for more time turns out he was only retuning to attend an engagement party so, okay let me get this straight it's been over six months since you have seen our children but you are returning here for a party and just sneaking in a few hours with them I was livid this man, I'm referring to man as gender not in character has fought me every step of the way claiming he would never return here but I guess one of your football buddies getting married is super important and requires a visit to the lives of the tiny humans you help to create my boyfriend validates my feelings about this offers support and a hug and we board the plane I promised I wouldn't let this ruin my trip I'm rested I'm relaxed, I'm living my best life but then I return home a few days later and remember that he is returning I have so many mixed emotions goodbye rested and relaxed me hello anxiety awkward how will the boys react to seeing him again will she be there? so many thoughts and of course he has provided very little information Friday morning I ask him for an update on his arrival as I have somewhere to be and he tells me 10 am deep exhale you got this, treat him like everyone else don't be petty, don't make a scene but don't be too kind I'm repeating these pointers in a mental pep talk to myself and I'm not totally sure it's working I'm at the front window waiting with the boys and he arrives he parks across the street and all the air is gone I see him and I can't process what I'm feeling here is a man I gave 13 years of my life and as I look at him I see nothing I have no feelings he's just a person on the street I want to hate him but I don't I try to muster any kindness I may have for him but I have none it's all just gone everything he's gained some weight I hear happiness can do that to people but upon first glance he looks sad, well maybe not sad but not himself like something is off our interaction is brief we chat for a bit about the weather and the start of school he tells me about his trip and the reason he returned alone claiming her children are ill and then we buckle the kids in who seem fairly apprehensive his mood had improved since I first approached him in the driveway perhaps I'm overthinking it but he seemed kind of happy to be back maybe he was anticipating me to be confrontational at first but he knows me better than that I have nothing to gain arguing with him and then giving him the children maybe he was actually excited to see the boys but I get the sense that he was kind of at peace standing there just the four of us there is comfort in familiarity he returned the boys a few hours later and they were stuffed with sweets and toys under each arm needless to say their outing was a success he and I spoke a bit more and he left we left on good terms and everything seemed okay, weird to say but we were just in a good place of mutual understanding and focusing on the kids it felt right it felt healthy it was what we needed this whole time to get forward to today I get an email from my lawyer after a month of nothing his attorney finally responds I will spare you all the details and just supply the cliff notes when it comes to travel cost he is proposing to pay $3,000 annually after that 3K is spent he wants to split travel 60 40 not just the boys travel but his travel included you see his new proposition involves me never having to escort the boys now think about this with me his girlfriend didn't come here see the boys or to attend a party with him but will definitely attend the wedding and cancun with him and now I never have to set foot in her state how much of this proposition is what he wants and not what she wants does she hate me that much is she afraid of me I have given her a piece of my mind a few times so I would understand that does she want to decrease the amount of time my ex and I interact am I completely overthinking this you tell me I have a call scheduled with my lawyer tomorrow about his suggestions but I have zero intention to agree to his proposition just buying his time till we end up in court I guess last week was chaos chaos in a good way but wild nonetheless the start of September brought the return of school for the boys and a return to work for me this is always a tiring and stressful transition that I think most educators can understand on top of my own work issues there are still plenty of beginning of the school year activities errands for the boys I'm so tired is it June yet with the start of every September comes another activity my ex's birthday I had made a decision that I would not contact him but I did understand that the boys must contact him so every day for several days I reminded them when daddy's birthday was that they should call I set reminders on their iPads and sent the messages on Facebook messenger kids app as well but the day came and went and the boys did not call the day after his birthday I knew I would hear about this but instead I heard nothing not only did I not hear from him the boys didn't either on average he calls the boys once a week not enough in my opinion but that's a whole other post and had not spoken to them for about 10 days at this point I sent him pictures and vids from our youngest's football game and he never responded he must be angry I guess now he knows how much being an afterthought hurts if he wanted more clarity on the topic of being ignored I'm sure the boys could help him so I messaged him a few days later to tell him our oldest wants to take tennis lessons tennis I know I didn't see that one coming to my surprise he wrote me back we talked for a minute about lessons and then he finally stopped ignoring the elephant he said I'll be honest with you I was pretty hurt that the boys didn't call me for my birthday out of all the messages I got that was the one I wanted I'm not understanding where we stand we have had a really good run of working together with things being open as far as communication etc so to not have the boys call me seemed pretty calculated and hurtful I explained to him if the children the responsibility to call him if the children are responsible enough to fly across the country to see you three four times a year why aren't they responsible enough to remember to call you and I'm not sure how we've been good on communicating I tell him stuff he contributes no support or supplemental monetary help and the conversation is over and let me stop your mind from going to where I think it's going this wasn't about me I put in with him that he puts in with our children I'm doing 100% of the parenting and now I have to get the kids to call him when he doesn't make the effort to ever call them is it petty? yeah maybe but what's good for the goose this was my response the hard truth of it is they are kids but they aren't dumb they hear from you once a week if even you didn't talk to them after the first day of school I know you tried he called them after bedtime I specifically told him hours before what their bedtime was but you could have called the next day and didn't one wanted to call you after his game and you didn't answer or call back or respond to the picks I sent till now four days later stuff like this matters to them if you don't do you part to contact them for special things or regularly they aren't going to make an effort to remember special things for you I'm not saying this to be a prick I'm saying this to make changes for them and improve your relationship with them even through distance if you don't work to be more consistent now once they are in middle and high school they will be too busy with their lives to bother with you or me teens are terrible it sucks but it's true and not that it matters at this point but our msa clearly states that birthdays belong to the spouse so he could have spent the day with them and not to hop on a plane for the weekend again he's not meeting any of his responsibilities yet I have to go out of my way to make things special for him these are children yet my ex is acting like a child demanding calls and love when he doesn't give that to the boys so I ask you who is the real child it's fall here the air is cool leaves crunch under your feet everyone is consuming pumpkin and sweaters have returned to my closet I love this time of year the slow progression into winter and the farewell to summer has me happy but today I'm happy for other reasons many of you know that since march I have battled my ex about travel expenses and a new custody order while there was no physical bloodshed it wasn't too far off our back and forth changed once he obtained counsel it was a blessing because now we could put the job of fighting in someone else's expensive lap there was a brief time in which I thought this was not going to end up in my favor his lawyer was another badass woman and I feared she might get him more than he deserved this chick was good too good at some points but remember that money everyone was so upset I gave my ex sometimes life has a funny way of turning your mistakes into blessings let me explain when I signed over that money I put notes on the checks since the money was supposed to be for commuting and travel for the children I wrote on each check child one commute and travel expenses and then child two commute and travel expenses on the other well along with conversations that I have saved and those checks my lawyer was able to show enough evidence to his lawyer that I have paid more than my fair share of travel and it's all his responsibility technically it isn't a fair share because half of travel for the next 12 15 years will be way more than what I gave him a judge will see that he hasn't abided by his parenting time moved right after the divorce and checks were cut and that he's trying to change custody less than a year after it was created no way he would win in front of a judge his lawyer told him to cut his losses and just do as I asked he's done for now with the change of custody he has to pay me more monthly in support it's one three more of what he already pays all of the children's travel including travel for himself during peak travel holidays and he has to pay all my legal fees that of course doesn't include his own legal fees I'm elated I feel so vindicated I feel like a Viking with a head on a spear that might not be historically accurate I'm a woman hear my roar okay I'm getting carried away let me reign it in a bit I spoke to apex informing him of the update he assured me this is definitely going to anger his ex she is used to getting her way and her not being able to control this situation is frustrating especially since it will hurt their pockets is it terrible that this makes me smirk yeah I didn't think so either he also told me my ex is playing father so well by chaperoning field trips and coaching football awesome my victory roar is turning into a lip curling growl but you know what I can't be angry his bond with someone else's son will never be the bond he has with his own kids and that's his own fault my boyfriend still schoolgirl giggling about that has been so supportive during this process and I'm thankful to have his love and encouragement he tells me not to dwell on these things because eventually it will come back to bite him he's kind of amazing and I'm in disbelief I ended up here with him in my life maybe it was always supposed to be this way perhaps we never would have been right for each other if we didn't both experience the wrong relationship I could spend time speculating but I won't I'm just grateful to be here with him insert swoon I'd like to take a minute thank my day one readers and to address new ones apparently social media has created a bit of a buzz about my two year epic journey new readers it's great to have you here and I hope by me being so candid some of you have related and learned from my own experience let's face it if you made it to this community you've probably been the victim of infidelity at some point in your life I like to think that I'm opening my closet to reveal my skeletons so that you will all feel better about yours to all those people that think I should write a book please know I'm not a writer I've taken my nightly middle school routine of pouring my heart into my diary to a public space online if you want to see me published I would call that old college roommate who now works in publishing because I wouldn't even know where to begin I do love the idea of circulating my story to help others though every great book or film has a climactic third act the protagonist is faced with resolving their problem and at the last minute an obstacle presents itself well they say many books and movies are inspired by real events and my situation is no different October 24th the final agreement had all the last minute changes made and presented to my ex everything was done his lawyer even told him this was it just fold I felt confident and even celebrated in my previous post what a fool I am don't I know that things are never that easy we are now entering the third week of November and he has not signed our final draft of the change order getting antsy and rightfully so I contact my lawyer to see what the delay is she corresponds with his counsel only to learn he is not responding to her emails and phone calls he thinks burying his head in the sand will make him invisible in reality he looks like in douche with his booty in the air my lawyer sends me an email this afternoon informing me that his counsel has finally gotten in contact with him he decided to come up for air I guess against his counsel's advice he is refusing to sign the change order he is unwilling to accept the full cost of travel here we go just when I thought I was out of the storm the thunder claps I've had enough he is toying with me and his counsel I called my lawyer knowing as I dialed this call was going to cost me a boatload of money I didn't care I vented to her I voiced my frustration and told her I can't keep doing this back and forth compromising and negotiating only to have him throw a fit and refuse to sign off on all the work we did and agreed to what's the motive is it money is it the need to control the situation does he live in a fantasy world where he thinks he can get everything he wants is his girlfriend pulling the strings I don't know I don't know this man anymore I don't know what is going on in his head and the constant back and forth is literal torture I tell my lawyer through sobs that I can't take the mental mind games anymore on Friday if he doesn't sign the order my lawyer sent the email to his counsel and shortly after she informed my lawyer that they were having a phone call this evening to discuss I got his attention let's see what tomorrow brings I need to vent for a second since all of you are reading my online diary I guess I am venting to you the long and short of it is I'm tired I'm mentally exhausted I'm constantly second guessing myself and overwhelmed with everything I look at our situation on paper and conclude that there is no way a judge would have me pay for travel or side with him at all he's done zero of the obligated parenting time wait he did come here for an engagement party and take the boys for a few hours so he's done six hours of parenting time in nine months he hasn't paid for any extra curricular activities when the kids are sick I'm up with them I make their lunches and dinner every day I do homework I go to sporting events and musical lessons I do their clothing shopping I comfort them at 2 AM when they've had a bad dream I schedule and take them to all appointments I volunteer for school events I do their laundry and there is a ton of it how do such little people get so dirty the list goes on and he sits there on the other side of the country in his girlfriend's big house lecturing me and demanding of me go kick rocks sir you got a lot of nerve you face time them once a week and think you are father of the year you are a joke but yet I'm scared this won't rule in my favor I'm worried this could all backfire and I'm left doing all the work and picking up half the bill I know there is a bible verse about the righteous being triumphant but it's been a long time since Sunday school and I don't remember it deep down I know I'm doing what is fair I know this is true but I'm afraid like everything else that this too will blow up in my face the bad news this past Wednesday I messaged my ex for an update his lawyer has not been able to get a hold of him every time we threaten to file he reappears and plays nice and then takes a jab and goes into hiding it's tiring for everyone involved he messaged me back and told me the bad news he is anticipating being laid off this week wow that sucks but seriously not my problem you gave up a great job to move out there sucks to be you then he says he is going to have to file a modification of support yes that's right he wants to pay less child support and paying for travel is out the window completely need I remind you his child support amount is based on him doing his parenting time which he hasn't done so it should be more than I am receiving currently now he wants it to be even lower he's got some balls man so he does zero physical parenting time and then wants to pay less support ok buddy he sings his sob story to me about not having money once he is laid off and that he wants to save money where it makes the most sense so not supporting your kids makes the most sense I text apex to see if this is legit as he and his ex do chat occasionally he tells me he hasn't heard anything about this but tells me my ex and his kids are all going to Disneyland that Friday what so he has no money to travel or pay his child support but they are going to Disneyland I literally can't process this I wish I wasn't blocked from his social media and that her page wasn't private I need this evidence anyone in Disneyland this weekend I'll give you a description and maybe they were in the background of one of your photos I'm kidding I of course emailed my lawyer she said he would have to show loss in earning before filing even then his payment is calculated on his earning history and potential to earn if he files a motion for modification I can file a cross-motion let's talk about that cross-motion it's been 10 months since he has seen the boys he has no intention of settling and has not kept up with his parenting obligation so after much deliberation I've decided to seek full custody this back and forth is not good for the boys one day they are going to visit him and the next they are not they need consistency be in their lives or don't but be consistent so come the end of February I'm going to file I don't think he sees this coming and that works to my advantage but my lawyer did tell me that I need to show besides all his missed visits and negotiating to change our order that I've exhausted all efforts to get him to come here to abandon the kids instead so my mother and I were chatting and we came up with a plan since he is tentatively losing his job next week he will know on the 8th and last day would be the 16th he will have a lot of free time on his hands he will be getting a 60 day severance which affords him some time to find another job without being financially strapped so I sent him an email inviting him to come to this state I researched flights and found a round-trip ticket is $200 I located a vacation rental with space for them all and it would be $41 a night he needs a car sure take mine and I'll borrow one of my parents' cars if that deal wasn't good enough I offered to give him per diem child support that I get which is $32 a day that's about $860 cheap airfare, lodging and a car sounds great right well I emailed him Thursday and have not heard from him oops, forgot he was on a family vacation but the truth is he won't take that deal or more importantly she won't let him miss Christmas with her kids how dare he think to come see his own kids for Christmas plus, deep down I don't think she trusts him away from her for that long must be hard to live in fear knowing your partner is a cheater and at any time you could be the one getting cheated on the good news my one year anniversary with my boyfriend one whole year I can't believe I'm so blessed to have such an amazing man in my life how? I never knew love could feel this way his love and patience with me is immeasurable no one ever tells you how hard it is to be in a healthy relationship after you've been in a toxic one you survived toxic behaviors that you grew accustomed to and developed coping mechanisms for them and be loved correctly in a huge adjustment and it takes time I'm learning, growing and healing every day with his help one year down it's early Christmas morning and the air is quiet and cold I sit in the dark sipping coffee and typing a post I never thought I would type let me take you through the story as it happened me ex told me after my email that it wasn't feasible for him to come here for a month that text was very early December so I gave up hope I was planning on sticking to my no contact approach and wait him out till March and go full custody I was at peace with my decision it was the only option that would bring me peace mentally and rectify our back and forth travel problem he did continue to text me asking about Christmas and I just told him to book the tickets that's it wanna see them? just book them any and all negotiations are done then on Friday he calls the boys after disappearing for almost two weeks and tells them that they will be coming to see him for Christmas wait, what? is he pulling the trigger? I then get a text that he is going to look into tickets and get them out there for the holidays I'm not excited to hear this I was just patient he told the boys so that must mean something but I am in disbelief until I see it I remind him that I'm not paying for the travel and he assures me that he knows so I leave him alone let him book or attempt to book or buy his time I'm not sure what his strategy is right now after a few days and pretty close to the holiday he text me that he has sorted out the tickets I'm starting to get my hopes up that this is going to well he gives me times and flight info and we strategize this is going well almost too well then the shoes drops he asks since he lost his job if I can help pay for the flights there it is he wanted me to pay for flights when he had a job so I think this was an attempt at guilting me he shot and missed I stood strong on my stance he told me he knew this would bite him in the ass in the future I asked for clarification and he said he knew I'd tell my lawyer that he was paying all of travel and then he'd have to continue doing so that's right, that's exactly what will happen he's biting the responsibility bullet and doing it so it seems again I won't believe it till I see it by this time it is now the 21st of December and I don't have flight info the next day he starts texting me as I drive home from work I call him I need straight answers and to communicate with him fluidly he never answers my calls so I was surprised when he did yes no we recently just had a large storm and he was afraid of weather issues for travel which day would the weather less impact the trip all valid concerns so we chatted about it and strategized and then it happened he cried I asked why he was upset and he said he had a lot going on so here I go speculating is he afraid, worried his new family and the boys won't get along is he worried it will cause a rift with his new girlfriend perhaps maybe he is concerned the boys and him won't have a connection after so long apart it could be all or none of that I reassured him and we hung up with a tentative plan the boys leave Christmas Eve I did laundry I packed I gathered things for their backpacks for the flight I was ready we woke Christmas Eve and headed to the airport the boys were nervous nervous for the flight and a new state they have never been to nervous to meet her children or their father I know this will be good for them and I tried my best to calm their fears but I was nervous too what if the trip doesn't go well they may never want to return and I will have to force them to go in the future but what if it's great and my ex says he can't afford to send for them anymore or maybe just maybe everything will be fine we get to the airport my oldest who has anxiety is claiming he doesn't feel well me too we get to security and there he is he looks good better than he did over the summer but he looks older I remember it's been a year since I really looked at him and figure I probably look older too this reminds me to get my roots done over the break I hug the boys choke back my fear and sadness and let them go my ex and I share an awkward hug goodbye and they slip past the gates I walk back to my car slowly I remind myself of all the benefits and how I desperately need this break I have plans to go to my boyfriend's house for a week and I'm looking forward to that I tell myself I can relax book a massage sleep in, catch up on Netflix roots, gotta do my roots but even though I wanted my ex to do this and I need this break it still stings I told my oldest to calm his fears that this first trip will be the hardest it will get easier after this trip I should take my own advice his girlfriend texted me unsolicited and reassured me the boys would be well taken care of I don't think it's necessary to tell someone you won't neglect their kids that should be a given right I know her intentions were good but it seemed odd she said she was grateful the boys will be with us they could have been with you sooner and more often if your boyfriend sprung for the tickets lady let me leave that one alone the boys return on the fourth I sit in silence now on Christmas morning and miss them no Christmas morning excitement or fighting from the boys and I have to be at peace with it whether this is what is best for them or not it is our reality expectations they are a crazy thing some of us have zero many of us overthink some are hopeful but realistic others believe in fate or destiny the forest gump believes we are just floating on a breeze I have no idea what I think what I can tell you is that expectations can be predictable the boys arrived home on the fourth of January and had stories of visits to the zoo museums and mini golf they had Christmas and were excited for our new tradition of second Christmas they had fun with her children who are close in age and hopefully built strong relationships with them for that I am happy the boys told me stories in the ride home from the airport as if they were gone for months remember dad he took us to a light show at the zoo yes I remember him slowly trying to forget him buddy the sad part is I remember him I remembered him all week while you were with him I remembered his neglectful habits and truly hoped he changed I remembered his short patience and hoped you boys didn't cause him to lose it I remembered all of it I only called the boys three times while they were gone I did not want to impose on the quality time but we did text quite often on our first facetime they were in a spare bedroom and I was told this is the facetime room and they were to only make calls from that room weird her daughter came into the room at one point during the call and I could see the girlfriend in the doorway watching when she realized I could see her she scuttled away quickly it was funny I laughed I think she knew I was laughing at her I made sure I made a comment about the facetime room while she was still in earshot our next call on New Year's Eve was in the family room what a coincidence I could see my ex shirtless in the background and when he returned on camera he was wearing a shirt again I thought that was funny I saw you naked for 15 years but now you are shy shirtless not that I have interest in you shirtless anymore again I get it we aren't together and his girlfriend is there but it all made me chuckle to myself we really have come full circle a few days before the boys returned I contacted my lawyer and let her know that he had paid for all of travel while unemployed and on the most expensive and busiest travel time of the year she emailed his lawyer the day the boys returned and resent the order when his lawyer learned he had met his obligation she knew there was no way he could stall anymore I'm not sure what the next move is can you force someone to sign will him dragging his feet result in a court appearance anyway this has really become ridiculous the good news is he got a job I was told through a screenshot of IG I have some great friends that he was out toasting with martinis on Saturday night when I asked how his final interview went on Monday he told me he was made an offer to start working through the details that vodka and olives looks like it's been worked through already the boys have been home for almost two weeks and he has not called them in the past I'd be upset about this writing a post damning him and telling the world or just the few readers I have left that he will never change but I think this is the new normal the weird part is I'm okay with it pay your child support take the boys when you are supposed to okay now does this help his relationship with the boys grow definitely not but that's a problem he is creating I'm not going to be a parent to the boys and a parent to him reminding him to call I can't anymore he proved he is capable but still unwilling and that's his bed to lay in so even after the trip it's still the same book we've just entered a new chapter is this new chapter the conclusion probably not there is still so much more to encounter this book is way too long the pages turn and the story evolves but I'm still waiting for the heroine to be triumphant I'm tired no that's not correct I'm mentally exhausted I ask you how do you negotiate with someone unwilling to negotiate how do you resolve a problem that someone refuses to acknowledge exists how can a person scream what they want but be resistant to entertaining someone else's needs how is everything seemingly unfair to one when someone else is always picking up the pieces why must one always be transparent while the other lies to win I ask myself these questions and realize the answers won't come you know why? because I'm not that person I'm not the person he is I could never fathom acting as he acts because decent people don't only snakes who are selfish and out to kill with their venom behave in this manner well this snake is big and he bites often he got a new job good for you three cheers my lawyer asks for his new salary so we can recalculate child support and his attorney lets us know it's a lateral move no increase and not only is it a lateral move but a move within the company that let him go false fake news I know this all to be a lie as he sent me the health insurance info for this new job I double up on dental and vision and the company name was on the paperwork a google search of the company and title also lead me to a salary that was a little more than 10k of what he was making huge dirty dog trying to hide your job and increased salary from your kids but why? what's the motivation who wins there? a few more dinners out with your girlfriend maybe gifts for her kids he just got them Jordans and my kids are wearing adidas starting a vacation account no matter the winner I know who loses Super Bowl Sunday came around and I contacted him about something concerning the boys and we of course go into a conversational okay you got me argument about him finally signing the order he has had since October I'll paraphrase his response I'm not signing what was proposed in that order one both we and our attorneys worked on and I want to go to court to get everything squared away fairly I'll blow whatever money I could be spending on the boys money you haven't been spending this past year on court fees you refuse to compromise on anything only thing I didn't compromise on was travel sir and you only use our original order when it's convenient for you I haven't used it at all because you moved 2000 miles away I look forward to when you have to spend thousands oops did you forget you pay legal fees if we go to court yikes this is awkward on an agreement I've prospered months ago goodbye frick you too yes that looks about right I told him that if he thinks a judge will rule in his favor when he has done none of his monthly parenting time ignored receipts for extracurriculars and avoided signing off on the correct child support amount then okay let's head down to city hall buddy if you have followed my story you know our original order required him to come here monthly well he kicked and screamed that this wasn't possible and demanded a new order in which the boys go there well the boys are supposed to return there in April for spring break of course I asked him a few times about dates and travel and he has ignored me yes that's his new go to move ignoring me the old head in the sand routine so today I get a text telling me it's not feasible for the boys to come there for Easter instead he offers a suggestion he will come here March 13th to 17th I read that and thought I stroked out I have negotiated with this man for a year only to have him suggest coming here shock isn't even the word but wait there's a catch he wants to come Monday till Friday in which he will pick the boys up from school spend two three hours with them and then return them home say what now so let me get this straight you are suggesting you come here to babysit not parent you will assume no parental responsibility minus the school pickup and then we'll drop them off so I can do homework feed bath and put to bed only to wake them feed them get them ready for school and bring them how is this proposal of seeing them for 15 hours equivalent to the 10 days of parenting you were supposed to do the math isn't I didn't answer I don't think my brain comprehend this suggestion because it basically exploded he obviously sees no issue in suggestion that's what's so mind boggling about it he is contradicting what he claimed was impossible a year ago maybe the boys were monsters when he visited maybe his girlfriend doesn't want the headache of entertaining for a week or maybe he saw the price of flights he expects me to be accommodating but fights to meet any of my accommodations no pause full stop I emailed my lawyer she said not to respond she hasn't been able to get a hold of his lawyer signed February she said this place in my favor we can use this I'm not sure how but I'm excited to see how this plays out you know when you take a car ride somewhere new going there always seems to take an eternity it's probably because it's a new place you don't know the path so you make some wrong turns ask people for help with directions eat way too many snacks but in the end you get there well I am here I've parked the car and turned off the engine I slap my head to the steering wheel and breathe a sigh of relief two weeks ago my ex was supposed to come here with his adopted family and spend spring break taking in the sights and spending a few hours with the boys but the boys had school sports events and things planned that just didn't make that week feasible so I declined and reminded him of their actual spring break in April but apparently that doesn't work for him so the week came and when we had a day free up I contacted him the boys were available and he was in town but then I learned he never came they decided on a trip to a sunny state was in order he blamed me for ruining his plans because I didn't make the boys available he apparently kept the boys from him obviously all those other months he declined his parenting time are not up for debate this was the only week he wanted to claim and I was the bad guy at this point I'm beyond frustrated with his inconsistent parenting you can't just choose to parent when it is convenient he can't seem to grasp this concept so again I call the lawyer I am literally bleeding money in legal fees like major head wound it could be fatal, bleeding but I don't care, this needs to end my lawyer tells me that if he doesn't sign the new order by the end of March we will file a non-compliance motion for his lack of parenting on our current and only parenting plan you know, the one he has not complied to in a year so I sent him a very bland email that the clock is ticking and then we wait I put the squeeze on him it's the longest five days of my eternity my lawyer and I place bets on if he will sign we are both not hopeful my boyfriend is a kind soul and gives him the benefit of the doubt I wish I was as optimistic as him I think I've been burned so many times that I can't be optimistic but on the final day I get a text from him he did it, he signed I will not have to pay for travel or travel with them that is his responsibility this was my major sticking point along with that an increase in child support almost a year of legal fees and frustration and he waves the white flag and signs it all of that agony just for him to do what he should have done months ago what was the point? was it a game, an angry back and forth his way of keeping control over me was it her pushing him to fight or did he just become more of a prick all on his own basically none of that or all of it my lawyer told me his lawyer was done with him his counsel basically told him that he hasn't cooperated with me or her and he would get destroyed in court I could have asked for the moon and stars and I would have gotten it sheesh, he seems to piss off all the strong smart women he encounters we smell the bullcrap we know he is full of it so is this the end? fat chance I'm sure there will be drama moving forward what would my life be without drama? reflecting I can't believe what has happened to me and how I've navigated this no one ever thinks they will be here and there is no way to plan for this because it'll never be you, right? I often get comments about how strong I am and how women in similar positions envy me I still don't know how to handle those compliments because I made mistakes so many, too many but I always focused on the two most important things never losing sight of who I am and the well-being of my kids I believe if you always stay true to your core values and the ones you love you will never be defeated by following me on this journey I hope people found comfort and guidance from both my triumphs and my failures I'm happy to say this leg of the road trip is complete but like most roads trips the drive home is smooth you know the route and the journey is less treacherous will I stop along the way this time and take in the sights? you betcha because the road now is known and it heads to a familiar place home next on the list is a house new job more love from my new love perhaps maybe I write for pleasure and actually publish and many more memory making adventures just me and my boys I got my ex about him visiting the boys you all know this story so you know how adamant he was about never returning here so after a year of negotiating well more like me negotiating and him playing dodge ball with all my requests he finally signed and the boys must now travel to him on his dime view see ya never fat chance he texts me in early April telling me he'd like to come here and celebrate our oldest's birthday like seriously? what happened to all the foot stomping and epic hissy fit to never returning here you sign the papers and now a week or so later you are telling me you want to come here my ex is becoming a lot less predictable is this about control purposely doing the things he isn't supposed to do to keep me on my toes listen I'm too old to be a ballerina sir so I don't fight him and he returns while the boys are at school he comes to the house to get their things he looks okay no real change from Christmas he is slowly putting those pounds on that he lost during the affair comfort I guess I offer him coffee because I'm a decent human being but also a caffeine addict but he declines so we stand awkwardly in the kitchen is he going to leave does he want to make small talk I stare into my coffee and wish it was spiked there is no conversation about the boys little things things that if he were present he would know we talk about my house hunt and the amount of work some of these houses need he then tells me they are doing a 160k renovation to her five bedroom home wow must be nice asshole as he talks about the renovation none of it seems necessary a larger and more updated master bath bumping out the front of the house to expand the entry like how necessary is all of this he seemed disgruntled and bothered about the renovation perhaps he sees they are unnecessary cosmetic changes and is he financially contributing to this to a house he doesn't even own she could kick him out tomorrow and he will never get any of that cash back is he realizing how he is essentially a guest in that house yet paying for it I mean good for you girls squeeze him to increase your own equity I'm not mad at ya the boys have a wonderful time swimming in the indoor pool going out to eat the movies and shopping a successful weekend was had he drops them off on sunday and the boys run past me in the driveway with arms full of legos and plush toys I gather their bags and tell him thanks but there he goes again awkwardly standing crap he wants to talk again he then starts to tell me about a bachelor party he is attending in two weeks in vegas cool didn't need to know this but cool he is in the wedding party and has drifted apart from many of those friends jeez I wonder why he only talks to the groom he tells me how he feels he will have to babysit everyone and is debating not going then it hits me I know all these guys he wants my opinion or better yet he wants reassurance that the party will be more work than pleasure and he is making the right call on bowing out so I tell him the opposite go have fun secretly I know he wants to go I'm not sure why he is holding himself back from spending time with his friends on a guys weekend in vegas shoot I'll go if you don't want to well a week before the trip he got the virus or so he said via text he told me how sick he felt tired, congested, etc happy accident? maybe I had the kids FaceTime him 4 days after he tested positive to see how he felt and there he was at work congested and not wearing a mask perhaps the protocols are less strict now I'm not too sure fast forward 2 weeks and I'm hosting a friends night with my dearest friends their husbands my boyfriend and our kids as 7 children between the ages of 12 and 5 run around and scream we sip drinks, eat and laugh it's good fun with good people my oldest and closest friend is scrolling through Instagram and she says well would you look at that my ex blocked most of us from his social media but not her oversight perhaps she shows me the post today was the girlfriend's birthday my ex wrote a long and lovely caption about her empowering him to be the best bonus dad to her kids the best choices he's ever made well damn while I don't want him it kind of sucks to read happy he's empowered to be a bonus dad but treading water at being a real dad 3 visits in a year doesn't get you nominated for super dad but then I realize the bachelor party he bailed cause it was her birthday weekend was this by choice or by force oh crap I'm now drowning in the pettiness and big dumb smiling we'll see this and piece it all together another bridge burned don't judge me on enjoying this moment I deserve it there comes a moment in every divorcee's journey that is confusing to face confusing not only because of how you feel but why you feel that way that is the problem I face now today I got a text message from my ex that read hey awkward text to send but you finding out should come from me directly I haven't told the boys or posted about it wanted to tell you first insert a fair partners name and I got engaged again awkward as hell to say to you but wanted you to hear it from me my brain almost exploded from the enormous number of thoughts popping into my head I had zero idea how to process this news let alone how I was feeling it's so strange I don't want this man but this news ripped me apart not for love but out of anger and frustration obviously I didn't express any of this I simply told him congrats it's not awkward we are moving on I wish you well that was external me the internal me was itching to get to my laptop and jot down this post to digest my thoughts but first football practice after bedtime I raced to open my laptop and took a deep breath as she came to life so come with me down the rabbit hole as I process this and probably over think everything warning this may get dark but hell it should be fun let's do the text first why oh why is telling me awkward if I got engaged I would not feel awkward at all to tell him we are moving on we don't need each other's approval for some reason he was more nervous to tell me he was engaged than he was to confess to the cheating my engagement announcement would be a quick FYI text FYI I got the boys sneakers I'm engaged there is a concert Friday and I'll send you pics now I knew from the jump that this was the end goal you don't have an affair leave your family move across the country into someone's home and be a bonus dad just to date this person no I'm a big girl I knew it was coming eventually I think him expressing that it was awkward to tell me through me though why do you feel guilty are you ashamed did you develop a conscience and realize this might be hurtful to me yes I know it's probably not that last one but I was hopeful I can't seem to make heads or tails of it maybe I'm not meant to next my frustration for over a year this man cried that he was in the poor house he fought me on any financial demand I made or obligation he had and all this time he was refusing to pay for travel drum lessons sports etc but was putting money in the mattress for a diamond and from what I know about her she loves jewelry this would not be a pebble more like a blinding boulder and here I am begging for what our kids are entitled to as he saves for her finger it's honestly disgusting I feel like I did everything right in my life I dedicated myself to my family worked hard in my career managed to go back to school for my third degree I drank water slept eight hours nightly okay that one's a lie and attempted a semi-balanced diet is butter a carb I did it all right but here I am raising two boys at my mother's house while I try to find us a home I feel like even though I played by the rules in the monopoly game of life I was sent to jail and have to lose a turn while the game keeps going on I bet he's going to buy boardwalk to the thing that irks me the most is he never worked for any of this it's like every role of the dice he just got lucky he benefited from everyone else's sacrifices and I'm the one living with the repercussions of every decision he has made with our boys in tow I feel stuck and he's just gliding down the board rolling a 12 every time my sister reassures me that yeah my life is kind of on pause now and it's not permanent but my ex will always be a garbage person that phase of his life is forever okay pity party over let me hike up my big girl panties and move on last but never least the boys he made a point of telling me that he has yet to tell the boys you want to know why he hasn't told the boys he hasn't called them in three weeks I've told the boys to call him but he has not called them I can already see how that convo goes hey guys haven't checked in on you in weeks but let's talk about me oh brother what a self-centered moron I suggested that perhaps telling your children in person would you know be a better choice he agreed I also warned him that they probably wouldn't even flinch at the news this being because one they are boys two this doesn't change their day to day lives he also agreed to that so why the dog and pony show oh that's right it's not for them but for you he claimed he didn't want it to seem like he was keeping a secret from them so he wanted to tell them ASAP oh boy wait till they find out that big secret about why mom and dad got divorced he told me it will be a long engagement and a very small wedding is that his way of telling me I'm not invited I'm heartbroken if you could see how hard I'm eye rolling right now I swear you'd be impressed hopefully he invites his children that would be nice my boyfriend thinks him telling me was pathetic I'm not going to attempt to gloat like okay I did some shitty stuff but look how great it turned out it was the right decision see I feel validated for being a monster that his claims of feeling awkward were just an attempt to seem human a marriage built on infidelity secrecy and poor choices by two self-centered people sounds like a perfect match he is a clown I can't believe he actually told you that this is awkward I wanted you to hear it from him his message is emotionally manipulative he sends it and somehow you end up giving him emotional support a small wedding of course who is he going to invite his kids who he has no relationship with his family he has no relationship with his longest friends he ghosted I would have not responded and think you need to dig a bit deeper in your healing journey to help yourself heal because you clearly haven't reached that and are still trying to do your best to help him please stop eventually please stop engaging at all please stop asking your boys to call him please stop updating him stop bridging hope and a connection to your boys that he hasn't earned and doesn't deserve I know deep down you are trying for your kids but in the long run it is only going to hurt them life is unfair and it sucks they don't have a dad but by propping one up you are not helping them it seems like you went from fighting to no communication to landing on this new spot of him using you for emotional support and for your sons the truth is, he doesn't I would encourage a weekly or monthly communication of updates moving forward no back and forth it is hurting you and you need to choose you virtual hugs and peace and healing oh my gosh you are amazing seven weeks ago I also learned about all of my husband's work trips luxury vacations with her I wish I had kept my discovery a secret and sprung something on him like this this will be epic you really are my inspiration good luck and stay strong keep reminding yourself of who you are you do not deserve this be strong and be well your story is so satisfying healing is tricky for me healing came when I felt indifference I believe having no emotion is when you are truly healed I don't think you should focus on forgiving because when you get to indifference you won't care about them or what they do just enjoy the moments with your new partner and focus on your own well-being good luck my ex and I were together for 13 years and after only two years he's now engaged to his affair partner yes I've read the statistics I know there is a slim chance they will survive but honestly I hope they do he seems happy and I'm happy living my life without him failure of his relationship does not add to my success success is carrying on happily without him thank you for being here with me hey there you actually stayed till the end which tells me you like this episode the ride may have been bumpy but we arrived at the end of this story releasing the clutch on the past we speed ahead into the future so unbuckle now cool royal AI rider you've navigated the path of the classy and the downright bad assie let me know what you think OP's ex-husband couldn't juggle his family his secret life with a mistress and a coconut drink luckily for OP she actually found out and grew stronger while going through this tragic life experience what would you have done differently or what would you advise OP let us know down below if you're ever feeling useless remember there's an actual thumbs down button for royal AI see you in the next one