 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike, the cigarette that tastes better. Light up the lucky, it's light of time. Be happy, oh lucky, it's light of time. For the taste that you like, light up the lucky strike. Relax, it's light of time. This is Don Wilson, friends. You know, any time at all that you want real smoking enjoyment is the time to light up a lucky. Because a lucky tastes better every time. And the reasons why are world famous. First of all, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Fine, light, naturally good tasting tobacco. And then, that tobacco is toasted. It's toasted is the famous Lucky Strike process that brings Lucky's naturally good tasting tobacco to its peak of flavor. Tones it up to make it taste even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. So, right now, or any time it's light up time for you, be happy, go lucky. Enjoy Lucky Strike, the best tasting cigarette you ever smoked. For the taste that you like, light up the lucky strike. Right now, light up a lucky. It's light of time. The Lucky Strike program, starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dynasty, Bob Crosby, the Sportsman, Quartet, and yours, Julie Donald. Ladies and gentlemen, many times in the past I've opened this program by taking you out to Jack Benny's house in Beverly Hills. But tonight, just for a change, let's all go out to Mr. and Mrs. Bob Crosby's house on the edge of Beverly Hills. Many times, many times I have watered your kids. Many times, many times. Oh, Bob. Bob. Yes, Julie? You've been in the den here for an hour. What are you doing? I'm just rehearsing some songs, dear. I'm thinking of making another personal appearance. Personal appearance? Where? Las Vegas. Oh, Bob, I wish you wouldn't. You remember what happened last time we were up there? You gambled every night and lost quite heavily. I know. Don't do it again. I miss the baby. But really, Bob, I'm serious. I wish you wouldn't play another personal appearance. Well, why not, dear? Well, you're so busy. You're on Mr. Benny's show every week. You play benefits. You make records. And you have your own TV show five days a week. You're never home anymore. Oh, June, you're exaggerating. Oh, Mother. Mother. Yes, dear. Can I go to the park and play ball? Certainly. Okay, I'll be back in time for dinner. Say, Mom. Yes, dear. Who's this guy, the plumber? He's your father. Well, certainly I'm your father. Don't you recognize me, Chris? I'm Steve. Have you run along, Steve, and be home in time for dinner? I will. Goodbye, Mother. Goodbye. Dad? Gosh, he's grown. Honey, I could have sworn he was Chris. Gosh, you know, June, I've been thinking about what you said, though, and I think I'm going to forget about personal appearances and spend more time at home. Oh, Bob, I wish you would. I will. And not only that, I think, why don't we have a dinner party here at home like we used to? Oh, that would be wonderful. How about next Saturday night? That's fine. I'll invite all the boys in my band and their wives, and you know what, June, I think we ought to invite Jack Benny, too. You do? Why, certainly. Oh, but, Bob, he's such an important man, and he's so busy. You can't call and invite him to dinner on such short notice. Well, I'm going to try, anyway. Bob, I think you're making a big mistake. Now, don't you worry, June. I've got an idea. Look, we'll change the date of our dinner to set Jack's convenience. Hello? Hello, Jack. This is Bob Crosby. Oh, hello, Bob. Say, Jack, June and I would like to invite you to our house for dinner, and, well, when would it be possible for you to come? Oh, 7 o'clock, 7.15. 7.30. In fact, I can be over right now. Well, we weren't thinking of tonight. We were thinking of some night this week. Which would be the most convenient? Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. Well, you skipped Thursday. Oh, I babysit that night. Oh. I used to do it for you, but you lost your kid in Las Vegas. I know, I know. But, Jack, how about coming over for dinner Saturday night? Oh, fine, Bob. Fine. I'm staying after dinner. We can have some fun, you know, play gin or scrabble. Oh, no, thank you, Jack. I'll never play scrabble with you again after last Sunday's game. You're too tricky for me. I don't know how in the world you do it. Do what? Well, there are only two whys in the game, and yet you made the word money 11 times. Well, all right, we'll play something else. So long. See you Saturday. So long, Jack. Goodbye, Bob. He was nice of Bob to invite me over to his house for dinner. He's always doing things like that. Having people over for dinner, taking them out to nightclubs, having parties. He's so generous. He ought to see a psychiatrist. Well, when Rochester comes over shopping, I better tell him I won't be home for dinner Saturday night. She's been at that market a long time. Coming, coming. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Come on in. Thanks. I wasn't expecting you today, Dennis. Anything wrong? No, I just wanted to ask you a favor. Could you lend me $10? $10? Yes, I guess so. What do you want it for? I want to get myself tattooed. Tattooed? Why? Well, I was in the Navy during the war, and yet nobody will believe I was a sailor. Well, what are you going to have tattooed on you? My uniform. Well, that's about the s— Look, kid, if you want something tattooed on you to show that you were in the Navy, why don't you have a life preserver or an anchor? Oh, wait a minute. How about the battleship Missouri? No, my mother has that. Your mother has a battleship tattooed on her? When she wears a corset, it looks like it's sinking. Hey, say, wait a minute, kid. I've got a good idea. Why don't you do what I did when I was in the Navy, have the American flag put on your arm? Gee, I didn't know you had the American flag on you. Yeah, I had it done the first day I joined the Navy. Wait, I'll roll up my sleeve and show it to you. See? Gee, only 13 stars. Yes, Dennis, only 13 stars, but not for the reason you think. I made the man stop because he didn't know what to do. Dennis, I don't want to get into any more discussions with you. Now, I'll make you a proposition. Yeah, what? If I lend you the $10, will you let me hear the sword? You've got to do our next Sunday's program and leave immediately. Yes, sir. Okay, here's the $10. Let's hear it. Okay, Mr. Benny, you know what I think I'll do? I'll have them tattoo it. Dennis, if you promise me, if I lent you the $10, you wouldn't say anything. You just go. Yes, sir. Okay, then go. All right, goodbye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. All right, goodbye. Bye. I know that Dennis gets sillier and sillier every day. I don't know how I stood them all these years, but it's my own fault. I should have known when I first saw them there was something wrong with him. What other man wears a size three hat? I don't know. Sometimes I think... Mr. Benny, I'm back from the market. Good. I'm in the kitchen, putting the things away. I'll come in and help you. Hey, what took you so long, Rochester? Well, I had a lot of things to do. You know, I took all the hamburgers out of the freezer, sold it and bought 36 quarts of milk. Why'd you do that? The beef went up, milk went down. Hey Rochester, what's this? A head of lettuce. How can this be lettuce? It's pure white. The fat is over, they're taking chlorophyll out of everything. Wait, Mr. Benny, are you going out tonight? No, I think I'll stay home and practice my violin. Violin? Oh, boss, calm down. I'll wait till you get out of the house. Meanwhile, I'm going in the den and read for a while. Okay. Gee, I haven't read a book in a long time. Let's see what's here. Can you hear the book I haven't read? 100 famous poems. Gee, I haven't read poetry in a long time. I think I'll read this. Let's see. See, they have some wonderful poems in this book. Chards of the Light Brigade, Iawatha, the Wreck of the Hesperus, Ganga Den, there was an old lady from... whoops, somebody penciled that in. Oh, here's one of my favorite poems. I haven't read it in years. The Shooting of Dan McGrew. I think I'll read that. The Shooting of Dan McGrew by Robert W. Service. Bartender! Bartender! Bartender! Yeah? I want a drink of whiskey. Okay, how much whiskey do you want? About three fingers. Here you are. Give me another drink. How much this time? Oh, about four fingers. Okay. There you are. Four fingers of whiskey. You know, mister, you're the first man I ever saw a drink out of a glove. The only man in Alaska that got a hangnail with a hangover. Oh, God, I've been trapped in this saloon for eight days by that darn blizzard. How much longer do you think it'll last? Well, I'm going to take a look outside and see how the weather is. Look, Bartender, being stuck in a place like this for eight days can drive a guy nuts. I've got to have a little excitement. Tell you what, I bet you five dollars I can shoot those three glasses off the top shelf in three shots. Five dollars says you can't. It's a bet. Stand back, everybody. There's one. There's two. No, I didn't. I've got twenty dollars more that says you did. It's a bet. Bullard has made me a fortune. Anybody else want a bet? Hey, you at the piano. Don't you know any other music? No, he's ignorant. But those four fur trappers in the corner, five fingers yourself. Those four fur trappers in the corner, they can sing some songs. Well, let's hear some. Okay, thank you, fellas. Lucky strikes. She is just as happy as can be. Living with the ice and snow, we're so very glad to know. She is happy as can be. We said L-S-M-M-T. M-M-T. M-M-T. We agree. We agree. Ask him more. Ask him more. Smoke you know. Smoke you know. Hallowetta. Hallowetta. Cigarette. Cigarette. They all like. They all like. Lucky strikes. Lucky strikes. Oh, many light-up, lucky. That's what makes me more. That was say, see good. Hey, look, mister, the blizzard is letting up. Yeah, well, I think I'll get going. Where's my partner? Hey, Wilson. Wilson. Here I am. Come on, we're going up north to find gold. Gold, you hear me? Gold. Just a minute, partner. Don't risk your life out there in these icy ways looking for gold. What is gold? You can't eat it. Can you drink it? Gold's only money. The money will only bring you unhappiness, misery, and sorrow. You mind repeating that? Money will only bring you unhappiness, misery, and sorrow. This boy is not only fat, but he's stupid. Now come on, let's get the dogs ready in the sled. We're going. The night is slow, Wilson, and it's all your fault. I took you out as a partner because I was a greenhorn. You told me you knew everything about the Yukon. You told me you knew how to handle these dog teams and sleds. Of course I do. What makes you think you don't? Well, I have a feeling the dog should be pulling the sleds and we should be riding on the shore of it. Cocker spaniel with the whip is murder. The dog yells mush at me once more. There's going to be trouble. Gee, I can't stand this no more. Three weeks we've been traveling through these frozen wastes. Wait a minute. There comes a man, an Eskimo. Oh, yeah. I'll go and talk to him. Don't do any good. These Eskimos don't talk in English. I know, but I talk Eskimo. I'll say hello to him. Hey, compare. That's Eskimo? Look, he's coming towards us. And he's carrying food. Yeah, maybe he'll give us some, blubber. Hey, he wants to talk to us. Oogie-oogie, wah-wah, ma-ga-hoo, ma-ga-hee. What'd he say? What'd he say? He says his name is a mighty hunter and he's chief of an Eskimo tribe. Oh. Ask him if he'll be our guide and lead us to the goal. Mughla Mughliukha Takara Iklu. Marabu Oogie-Glub Nage Kuch-Tikha. Three of my riders must come from Bismol Beach. Nuggy Nuggy talking. He says he can't be our guide. He's got something else to do. Ask him what? Oogie Tula Nakarari. Takalugi Mugi Papu Snungawawa. What'd he say? He's got to go to Las Vegas and pick up his kids. Well, let's go on by ourselves. Goodbye, Eskimo. Goodbye and don't forget dinner Saturday night. Come on, let's go. The side of that mountain. We found it. A vein of pure gold. Do you hear me, Wilson? Look at it. Pure gold. Oh, boy. Am I unhappy, miserable and sorry. Come on, Wilson. Let's dig that gold and go back to the saloon. Okay, Bartender. A struck it rich. Set up drinks for everybody. Does that include me? Handsome? Sure does, Linda. Handsome? Sure does, Lou. I came right back here after finding the gold just to see you. Well, the minute I heard you was coming, I hurried home and got into this new dress. You must have been in a hurry. You didn't get all the way into it. I've got presents for you now that I'm rich. I've got diamonds and ermined fur, jewels and a yacht for you. Oh, darling honey, kiss me. Kiss, I won't need my dogs or my sled anymore. Why not? There ain't no more snow between here and the North Pole. Give me another kiss, Lou. Sure, honey. Oh, wait a minute. Be careful. Here comes dangerous Dan McGrew. Lou, come here a minute. Yes, Dan? Didn't I see you kissing this stranger a minute ago? Yes, you did. Hey, he sounds dangerous. What about it? You know what I do to guys I catch kissing my gal? What? I cut off their heads and hang them up by their hair. Oh. I'll have to think of something different for you. Oh, I ain't scared. Now listen to me, Dan McGrew. Lou is my gal and I'm taking her with me. Oh, no, you're not. Draw your gun. Don't, don't fight, boys, please. Get out of the way. The lights went out. Bye, Steph. So long, Stark. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight through carelessness, a fire could start. A fire that could claim your life and the lives of your children. Don't let it happen. Be on guard constantly against fire. Make sure every match, every cigarette is put out. Always check the ashtrays before leaving the house or retiring for the night. Observe all fire regulations. Remember, only you can prevent fires. Thank you. Jack will be back in just a minute, but right now here's a suggestion for you. Light up a lucky. It's light of time. Be happy, go lucky. It's light of time. For the taste that you like. Light up a lucky strike. Relax. It's light. That's a grand idea, friends. Just lean back and light up a lucky. Because every lucky you light is sure to give you better taste. And here's why. First, luckies are made of fine tobacco. LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Light, mild, naturally good tasting tobacco. And then, that tobacco is toasted. It's toasted is the famous Lucky Strike process that tones up Lucky's naturally good tasting tobacco, bringing it to its peak of flavor so that it tastes even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. So friends, anytime it's light up time, be happy. Go lucky. Make your cigarette better tasting Lucky Strike. For the taste that you like. Light up a lucky strike. Right now. Light up a lucky. It's light of time. A little late, so good night, folks. The Jack Benny program is written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josephsburg, George Balzer, John Tackerberry, Al Gordon, Hal Goldman, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Filter smokers, here's the true tobacco taste you've been looking for. Filter-tipped Titan gives you all the full, rich flavor of Titan's famous quality tobacco. And real filtration too. Filter-tipped Titan incorporates activated charcoal, renowned for its unusual powers of selective filtration and used far and wide to purify the air we breathe, the water and beverages we drink. Look for the red, white, and blue stripes on the package. They identify Filter-tipped Titan, the best in filtered smoking. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes.