 Oh, welcome to Out of the Comfort Zone. I'm your host, Arby Kelly, and you are watching OC-16 television. Now to date we have a really cool guest, and I'm super excited, but first let's talk about our Book of the Week. So, our Book of the Week is what every body is saying. This is by Joe Navarro, and I'll be honest, I'm like a huge fan, he's super cool. One of my heroes actually, but Joe Navarro, he's an ex-FBI agent's guide to speed reading people. Now when I first started reading and studying about body language, I really had no information to go on, and he was actually the second book I got on body language, and it just opened my eyes and everything made so much more sense. I was able to see what people were going through, see what people were thinking, and actually react to it in real time. So if you are going into an interview, if you're having difficulty in a relationship, if you're having a hard time reading your kids, if you think someone's lying to you, if you think you're not making a great first impression, if you have any questions really at all about body language, this is a great book to pick up and to read. It's what every body is saying by Joe Navarro. Now for your body language tip of the week, this is something I see a lot when I'm talking about personal subjects. A kind of blocking gesture, a kind of soothing gesture, what it is is people will rub their neck, and I'm going to try not to stimulate my microphone, we'll see how this goes. But when people are nervous, or when they're upset, or when they're lying, it could be any of these things, they tend to soothe themselves by touching their neck. Now women, we tend to do it daintily, we'll kind of like either rest our hand here, or vaguely pet this area, or even play with some jewelry. Women tend to like grab onto their necks and massage it, and it tends to be much higher up here. And so anytime you see something like this, or they're adjusting their shirt collar, playing with their tie, or like delicately playing with the necklace, or even just resting their hands here, that is a nervous gesture. And it means someone is possibly lying, or possibly feeling really vulnerable about what they're sharing, or they're just really nervous. But anyway, anytime you see this kind of neck touching that's going on here, it's a really good sign someone is nervous, and they're trying to calm themselves down. So when you see this, ask yourself, why is this person nervous? And when you're able to come up with an answer, you'll have an extremely good insight into what they're really thinking and feeling. And that's your body language tip of the week. Now I know you saw a sneak peek of our guest, but I'm really, really excited for our guest. Her name is Debbie, and let's have you come back on screen, Debbie. I'm really excited. So this is Debbie Burns. Debbie, can you tell us what you do? I help arouse, inspire, and challenge lady fiction writers to wake up to their true self, and then to use that to create meaning and impact through their art in the world around us. Wow. So the best job in the whole world. Wow, I love that. That is an awesome job. Now, how did you get into that? Where did this come from? I actually kind of stumbled into it. A long time ago, once upon a time, I was a cubicle bunny. Which meant I lived in the office and I was dreadfully, dreadfully, dreadfully unhappy. And which meant I never changed anything. I just stayed where I was because, you know, what else is there? This is what you do. You grow up, you get a job, you do that thing. Until one time in one of the jobs, I left cubicle land and kind of stumbled into a position at a bank working as a teller there and as an assistant manager. And one day, a man came in and held us up at gunpoint and robbed the bank. Now, everybody tells you that it only ever happens once, right? It's like lightning. You'll never get struck again. And then seven weeks later, he came back and did the same thing. And it completely obliterated my world and everything about me. He put me on the floor. He told me he was going to kill me. And I thought, I thought I was going to die. Now, not to ruin the ending, but I survived. And I made it through, but it put me on this really dark downward spiral of totally unraveling my life of what I thought the rules were. And I thought life had to be until I landed up in a hospital, in a psychiatric ward, because I could no longer keep myself on this planet. So my husband and I, we had me committed in a program for people with post-traumatic stress disorder, because that's officially what I had. And in that, I learned this whole new world of beliefs and rules and this idea that we live certain ways because we think we have to, but that we actually have an opportunity to choose something different. And it was through that experience, through that terrible, awful, dark night of the soul, that I finally came and found the courage to start living a life that I wanted and that was designed by me. And that was the start of it. And once I realized that I could do that, I was like, oh my gosh, other people have to know about this, right? Like you find something that you really, really love and you're like, the whole world has to know because we don't have to be, we don't have to stay trapped in these boxes that other people give us. And there's a way out. And I just wanted other people to know that. And I specifically ended up with writing because I just like writing was one of the things that helped save me during that time. It was one of the things that I could actually do because I couldn't work anymore with my PTSD. There were just too many triggers. And so as I went through writing and seeing what other writers were going through, I was like, we have more power than this. We tend as artists to downplay what we can accomplish in the world because we have so many voices. Again, those outside voices that are saying, that's not practical, that's not a real job, what are you going to do with that? And through that and my journey back from the depths of PTSD, I was like, there's got to be another way. And so I started coaching in general. But the more I coached, the more I just started honing in on those writers to go, guys, we have power here. And it's time for us to own our power and to do something amazing with these gifts and talents that we have. If only, if only, and this is why I love your show, RB, if only we could learn how to live in this place outside of the comfort zone. I love that. Now, Debbie, as you were telling your story, like the camera couldn't see my face. But through the story, you go through such dark, and you want to cry, you want to feel horrible, but then you tell the story with just light shining from your face that at the same time, it just makes people want to smile because they can feel how vibrant and how bright you're showing up today. So I just wanted to say that. I'm really curious. I think that's something. Oh, did you have a question? Sorry. No, go ahead. Go ahead. It's all good. I was going to say, I think something that we miss out on in traveling through our dark night of the soul, especially in the world of writing and artists, is that we think in order to create meaning that we have to live in our dark places in order to tap in from the understanding that came from that experience that there's no moving past it. Somehow if we move past the experience, then we're not doing it justice, that we're downplaying, that it even happened to us, whatever that may be. But one thing I've learned through the process is that it's not about living in our dark night of the soul. It's about tapping into it so that we can relate to each other as humans, as all part of this family of humanity, but that we can live outside of that in a place of hope and progress and expansion, right? That we can have this light. That's what I choose every day is to have this light while also honoring and learning from the dark things that may happen to us. I love that. That's beautiful. Now, Debbie, do you feel like these dark times in dark places have made you a better writer? Absolutely. Absolutely. Not saying that everybody needs to be robbed and go through a post-traumatic stress in order to be an amazing writer. But I think if we can honor the harder parts of our lives to understand what is happening in those moments to really fit with it and be OK with it, because I think the other thing we tend to do is we're like, oh, that happened. And let me push that away. Let's just pretend it didn't exist. But there's strength in that thing. Not that I'm not the person that's ever going to say things happened for a reason, like someone had to experience an atrocity to learn X, Y, and Z. But I very much believe that we have the opportunity to look at any experience we've been through and go, what do I want to take away from that? What do I want to learn from that? How do I want to be a better human being because of that? And so as we do that, as we honor those dark spaces inside of us, I think it does not just make us better writers and better artists, but I think it makes us better human beings. Because then we can look at another person and go, I honor that dark space inside of you, but I also know that you have the ability to reach a higher potential. And that's the person that I'm looking at. I'm looking at the higher person I see in you while honoring the dark space that you might be currently going through. I love that. I'm probably going to say that over and over. I love that. I love that. But I do. That's one of the reasons why I brought you on the show because I think you're incredible. But I know for a lot of our viewers and even for me, I'm someone who I've started books so many times and you write a couple of chapters and then you get lost and you just give up. And I'm sure there are people in the audience, our viewers, who have been dreaming of writing a book or have something in them that they just want to let out and express. But for one reason or another, they're not. What are some of the reasons you think hold people back from expressing that and writing their story? Fear of failure and success equally. I know that sounds so weird to hold both of those at the same time, but it's true. Like we're so afraid of putting our voice out there and having people respond negatively to it, right? What if nobody likes my story? What if I don't do it right? What if people turn around and end up hating this thing that's coming from my soul and from my heart a lot of times in the writer world, we talk about bleeding words on paper, right? It just feels so visceral. And so we're truly afraid that we might try this great, wonderful thing that's inside of us and begging to be free and we won't do it justice or we'll fail at it. And then we've gone to a very vulnerable place only to fail. And then on the other side of that, it's like, but what if I do it and like a million people love it and like all of a sudden everybody's talking about it and now the whole world can see me. And it's just so terrifying to step again into that limelight to have your words and your tender faces out there for the world to see and to judge and to talk about and to love and to criticize. And so there's this very strange dynamic with writers that it's the fear of failure and success that equally terrify us to speak up and to express our truth or at least the truth that comes through with the women I write, the fiction, the story that they're trying to put out there for the world. Now Debbie, I know you're personally working on a book. So how do you manage this fear of success and this fear of failure to keep on writing? All right, my favorite tool on the planet is what I call write and burn. And it's so, so simple. I hope you let me show you. It's this simple. This is just a tiny piece of paper and every time I go to sit down to write every single time. Some writers think they can skip this step. I don't recommend it unless you're like Wonder Woman or Superman or something, then maybe, then maybe. But all I do is I set the timer for three minutes and I write down every single fear I'm having in that moment. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid I'm not gonna be able to edit this chapter. I'm afraid I'm not gonna do justice to my character. All of these things, I write them out and at the end of the three minutes it's like, is there anything else I need to say? If yes, I write that, if not, I tear it up and I throw it in my garbage can or if it's really hardcore stuff, I take it outside and I burn it. Now, if you guys try this at home, please do it responsibly. It's not my fault if you burn down your house. But yes, I will actually burn this outside and then I come back and I fill myself in with the truths that I have claimed over time, that I am a talented writer, that I am creative, that no matter how long it takes me because I'm not a slave to the calendar, I can do justice to this story that is asking me to write it. Can I offer one more tip that I really, really love especially for my writers out there that are like, what do I do? Take some time today and ask your story why it chose you. Right? You can either talk to your main character or talk to your story in general. My book is called Soul Reaper. Dear Soul Reaper, why did you pick me to write this story? And then I want you to let it respond. Dear in my case, dear Deb, I picked you because and just find out what your story has to tell you because I promise you the story that you feel inside of you, it is not by chance or accident or any other thing on the planet. You were chosen for a reason. Find that reason, believe that reason and let it support you anytime you're afraid of failure or success. That was incredible. And okay, viewers, we're gonna take a tiny, tiny break and we'll be back in just a minute but stay tuned if you can hear more of this stuff so that you can start writing your novel and letting that out of your heart. Be in a bit. Hello, I'm Dave Stevens, host of The Cyber Underground. This is where we discuss everything that relates to computers that's just kind of scare you out of your mind. So come join us every week here on thinktecawai.com one PM on Friday afternoons and then you can go see all our episodes on YouTube. Just look up The Cyber Underground on YouTube. All our shows will show up and please follow us. We're always giving you current, relevant information to protect you. Keepin' you safe. Aloha. Hello, everyone. I'm DeSoto Brown, the co-host of Human Humane Architecture, which is seen on thinktecawaii every other Tuesday at four PM. And with the show's host, Martin Desbang, we discuss architecture here in the Hawaiian Islands and how it not only affects the way we live, but other aspects of our lives, not only here in Hawaii, but internationally as well. So join us for Human Humane Architecture every other Tuesday at four PM on thinktecawaii. Welcome back. This is out of the comfort zone. I'm your host, Arby Kelly, and we've got a super cool guest, Debbie Byrne. Now, we did a little talking over the break. We didn't mean to leave you out, but Debbie was telling me more about one of the most important things you need in order to keep on writing. Debbie, can you elaborate for us? Oh my goodness, it's the juiciest part ever, and that is tribe. Like, hands down, you've got to surround yourself with people who believe in this person you're trying to become, because I think Arby can attest to this as well. Anytime we step out of the comfort zone, our brain is gonna register that as death. It's like, oh my gosh, this is the scariest thing ever. This is death, go back to the way that you were. And if we're surrounded by people who support that story, it makes it so hard to take those tiny steps towards becoming that new person that we want to be. And I wouldn't, maybe I shouldn't say new person, but that inside person that is asking to be freed. And so by surrounding ourselves with people, I'm not advocating for the cutting of family or the shutting of people in your life, but by being very conscientious of curating your friends and close relationships and inviting those people who support you, to see you and want these things that you want for yourself by having them in your space, because they become so powerful. Those moments, remember what I was talking about? Like we have to write and burn to get rid of all this negative stuff that's kind of this fear of success and failure inside of us. These are the people that we can go to who can sing our soul songs back to us when we have forgotten the words. So if you're a writer, go find powerful writing communities. Whatever it is that you're trying to accomplish, make sure you have those people around you. For family members, because this always comes up, it's like, what do I do with my family members? Because they don't like who I'm becoming. Believe you me, I know. Or they don't support this endeavor that I am walking on. And for those relationships, I would say simply allow them to be that relationship. If it's a spouse, don't expect them to be your number one cheerleader for your writing. Just let them be your spouse, right? If their mom or dad or sibling, let them simply be mom, dad or sibling and then cultivate another tribe of cheerleaders who are ready and willing to be like, heck yes, let's write this story. Yes, you're a talented author. And yes, no matter how that draft comes out, you have the power to edit it into the masterpiece that you desire. So tribe, tribe, tribe, tribe, tribe. And that's coaches. And I know Arby talked about this on her show and I'm so grateful. Get the right coaches in your life. That includes peers, the people that can support you along the process and who understand what you're going through. And that includes the people coming up behind you. And in the reader world, that's usually other writers that you might be talking to or readers that you're looking to bring in who love your work. So make sure you build tribe, imperative, imperative to the artistic process. And I've seen this in my own life. Now I'm not a writer yet, but I found even when I was just starting my body language business, when I was starting to speak, when I was starting to coach, my family was supportive, but they were also dubious. Like, I'm not sure if this is gonna work. So don't get your hopes up too high because we don't want you to be hurt if, when it fails. And so looking back, I found the most success when I did what you said and put them in the family category and found other people to be my business coaches, to be my mentors, to be my cheerleaders. And if you look back at the history of this show and past episodes, a lot of those cheerleaders are the people I invite onto the show because I know if they believe so much in me and they've had a message that's been so powerful to me, there's some of my viewers who are going to need that message too. Amen, amen, amen. Because crossing, when I think of the comfort zone, we have our old story and we have our new story. And that comfort zone is that chasm in between the old and the new. And I really think of it like this treacherous chasm that we have to cross, but think about that when you have friends reaching out. You know what I mean? We take this leap of faith and we jump, but there is power in having this line of people holding each other and reaching their hand out to you to help you make that jump. It's just, it's one of the most powerful things I've experienced. I recently watched, I hope I can mention it's Silver Lightning Playbook, which is about mental illnesses or disorders. And one of the things that it reminded me of was my own journey through PTSD and how important community was in finding healing, how important they were in, as my husband Joe would say, in those moments when I need to sit down, when there's nothing I have that I have left to give, and I would ask him, what do I do then? And he's like, just sit in my little red wagon and I'll pull you until you can walk again. And that I just, I think is the power of having that community to be able to sit in someone else's wagon for a little while when we don't have the strength to make those steps ourselves. Now Debbie, if I'm not mistaken, you have clients who are trying to write their own stories. And so sometimes they have to sit in your wagon. Is that right? Absolutely, I, working with clients is some of my favorite thing and not only do you get to read all these amazing stories, but you also get to see their journey of going from someone, one of my favorites right now. And I didn't ask her ahead of time, so I'm hesitant to say her name. Okay, I'm gonna say it anyway, just love me anyway, okay? Her name's Danny. She is incredible and amazing. And I have quite a few that I could draw from, but I was talking to her recently and so I'll share her experience of someone going from not trusting herself with her art, not trusting the story. She had hundreds of thousands of words written that never formed into a story and was afraid that it would never would. And now I see her, she's almost done with her novel. She started her own company helping other writers. She's moved back into art and is painting again and embracing these parts of her. And like just seeing her step into her power as a writer and as a leader is one of the most fulfilling aspects of my job that I could ask for. And then on top of that, you get to read what she writes and you're like, oh my gosh, this is the next Laney Taylor in the making. This is so exciting. So yeah, just phenomenal. And there are times, whether it's me or the group that I've cultivated through fiction expedition where we have those moments and I've tried to make it safe in there so writers can show up and just be like, I have a hashtag I use actually called out of glitter. So on those moments when it just feels so hard they can hashtag out of glitter and share the pain and the sorrow, never emotional dumping, but a willingness to go, this is what I'm feeling and this is what I think I need. And can you ladies lean in and remind me that I am powerful enough or good enough or smart enough or whatever it is to keep taking these steps. And oh my gosh, Arby, the outpouring of love that you see in there there are days when I'm just like, I'm crying behind my computer because it's like this. This is what it's all about because women supporting women is such a beautiful, amazing, powerful endeavor. And it doesn't have to be catty and it doesn't have to be weird and it doesn't have to be any of those things that can just be an honest to grandma lifting each other up because when one writer wins, I think all writers win. There's no shortage of readers, right? I hope writers hear that. There is no shortage of readers. And the more that we're willing to reach out and connect with other writers, the easier it is for us to continue our journey but it's also the easier it is for us to share our books with the world. So it's win, win, win, win, win all the way around. I just love it. I love that. So it sounds like you help writers by not only reading their work, providing positive feedback, but also helping them to get out of their comfort zone and providing a safe space for them to build a community to keep pushing them forward and bringing them up. Is that right? Absolutely, yeah. Step one for me is always looking, I call it emboldened the inner writer. It's always taking a look at who you are, like the core essence of your soul and what's going on in there and what's getting in your way both as a human being because we can't separate it. Our art and our humanity, they're not separate. So I can't be like, we're not gonna talk about your personal life. We're only gonna focus on the writing. That's a real, right? And so it's very important. I call it, if you look at a compass, knowing our inner self is the north point of the compass. If I don't know who I am, if I try to go in any direction, I'm gonna be slightly off because I'm not completely aligned with that north. But as soon as I understand where north is, then everything else I do, whether the south point of my compass is crafting the book. And then I have an east and a west that's attracting the tribe and rocking the market. But if I don't know who I am, it really makes it hard to write a book that feels good to me because I'm trying to write it based on what other people want, not what I feel is right for the story or trying to find the people for my tribe to show up. Like, if I think I'm over here, like once upon a time I thought I was a crazy, like light everything on fire maverick. I've learned that I'm not that kind of a person. Once I understood that my true joy was just helping take people on the journey and adjusted that compass, I could start bringing people into my life that really understood and supported that and could go on that journey with me. So everything I do is about first and foremost, understanding, loving and aligning with our inner writer. And then from there, absolutely, we're diving into the book to write quality fiction, quality fiction because that's like, in writing, that's what people come back for. So if we write a bad story, people aren't gonna wanna come back for the second one. So we've gotta make sure we have a good first one. And then from there we can talk about how to build your tribe and how to really do well in your market and a step beyond that. And that's where this year is taking me this year of the writer is looking at the writers who want to become leaders because there is so much power as I talked about earlier to be had from artists that it's time that we start leading into leadership instead of shying away from it with this idea that, well, I'm just a writer, so what do I have to offer the world? The truth is that we have tremendous amounts of talent, insight, understanding, love, all of these things to offer the world and it's time that we start leaning into that and changing not just our world and our perceptions, but being willing to reach beyond to adjust the worlds around us and create a better place for us to be because I think we all want that. Just a better place to live, right? More love, more compassion, more kindness. I think writers have that capacity to change. I love everything you're saying and we've only got a couple of minutes left. So I'll ask you what I think is one of the most important questions. There are some of our viewers who are thinking right now, this won't work for me. I'm never gonna finish my book. I'm never gonna find the courage to start it. I'm just not a writer. What would you say to them? Okay, so if you're thinking, let me go here. The minute you say it's never going to work for you, it's never going to work for you because you have already decided that this is bogus and so I'm gonna assume you love your life. You love everything about it. You love the fighting that's going on. You love staying the same. Whatever's happening, you love your life and I bless you in that. What I would ask you to do if you're really sitting there going, I know I want something different and I know I have a story inside me and I want to believe it's possible. It's just that history is telling me that it's not. What I'm gonna ask you to do is to give it a try for at least 30 days. I'd actually rather have you try it for 90, but at least 30. Write and burn three minutes a day every day for the next 30 minutes because it's not that you can't do it and it's not that history is proving to you. Our brain, the minute you say I can't do something, your brain goes, oh, let me go find all the information and all the memories that prove that to you. But the minute you're willing to start entertaining the idea of a new belief or a new story, okay? You're telling your brain to find you different evidence. That's what you're doing. It's like when you buy a car and suddenly you're like, everybody on the planet is driving this car. Nobody was driving it before me and now everybody's driving the same car. That's only because you've given your brain new information and now it goes, oh, now I should find all the forward edges on the planet, okay? So by doing the right and burn every day for that three minutes, what you're training yourself to do is to let go of the negativity that's telling you that you can't and you're making space for the possibilities that are telling you that you can. So please, please, please, if you're not willing to try it, you're right. It will never change. But if you can give me 30 days and you're willing to write and burn for at least three minutes a day for those 30 days, I can show you that it's possible. And then get yourself in a tribe. Come join me. Come be a part of what's going on here with the glitter cannons and all the excitement that's happening because together we can make a difference in your life and in your writing. But you have to believe it first. You have to choose to believe for a moment. Once upon a time, Joe said to me when I told him that I didn't believe, let's just say it this way, I didn't believe the universe loved me. And he said to me, can you trust me that the universe loves me? And I was like, okay, yeah, I can trust you. And that's what's held me through while I was trying to find that love for myself. If you can't believe that it's possible for you, I'm asking, can you just trust me for 30 days? Trust me that it's possible for you and let's show you that it can happen. Viewers, I'm gonna leave you with that challenge for out of time. So thank you, Debbie, really appreciated having you here. And to all of our viewers, go out, get out of your comfort zone and try something you never thought you could do. Have a wonderful day.