 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now. I'm Jonathan as I have Jonathan as I come and I'm so excited to be doing this live Stream for you today our topic why men stop making effort when they hit this point Really quickly if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button hit the bell So you can be notified of new content and if any time during this video you like the content Please do me a favor and hit that like button. I truly appreciate it. All right, and really quickly one last thing I'm going to give you this is this warning is this is an explicit language warning right now I do occasionally use Expletives to enhance the sentence and if that offends you and it's you're not not your cup of tea You may want to log off now. All right. Let's just jump into why men stop making effort when they hit this point Okay, I'm sure this has happened to you Maybe not just once but many of time where a man has come on strong Pursued you made a ton of effort in the relationship and Once that effort has you know once that effort has been Let's just say once you've gotten hooked as I put my finger in my mouth and pull that away Once you've got hooked you notice that the man begins to stop making effort and he starts to do what's called Nesting into the relationship But what's really happening and I want to go deeper than just not making effort because what oftentimes Happens is they're not making any effort into the relationship to progress the relationship or move forward because they actually hit another Point that happens that I want to talk about and when this point happens for so so many men They begin to ghost Disappear pull away do the slow fade you've heard all the different terms out there and I mean every day I hear some new term of why a Relationships tend to hit a certain point and start to fade away And that's what I want to lean into today the deeper reasons why this happens now before I do I have something personal to share because as I reflect on my own life I have done this not just once not just twice But many time have I reached that point and then I started to pull back and It has nothing to do with the woman. Let me repeat that has nothing to do with the woman Okay, so in many of those cases when you think men pull away fade ghost disappear It's just that he's just not that into you It's actually something much deeper than that and I think it's really important to explore this So I started to say I was gonna share something personal actually many things today is that When I was growing up, there's a picture of my mom and dad right there They were married 66 years before my mother passed away is I grew up with a blueprint from my parents was and one of the strongest Blueprints because they were a part product of the silent generation I was the tail end of the baby boom was go to college go to college go to college go to college So when I graduate a high school after taking a brief break skiing up in Mammoth Mountain I went to college and I did exactly what I was told and then after college I was told to get a job get a job get a job and that's exactly what I did in fact I got several jobs before I actually found my career back some 30 plus years ago in the insurance industry and then the other thing I heard always is meet a girl meet a girl meet a girl meet a girl and then get married get married get married and Buy a house buy a house buy a house buy a house and then start a family start a family start a family start a family Are you probably going with Jonathan? Why are you repeating because this was the blueprint? I heard over and over and over and over again and sure enough many of my contemporaries did the exact same thing They went to college got a job met someone got married bought a house start a family And that was the blueprint that I was living off of Until my blueprint collided with my reality and quite frankly I didn't choose a partner that was right for me now I didn't know any better because I was a baby when I got married. I was in my by the way I was in my late 20s. That's still an emotional baby I'd only been an adult for only technically I know Legally 18 is when you're an adult but emotionally I didn't really start even hit my emotional stride as an adult till quite frankly Maybe not just until a few years ago quite frankly So when I want to go back to my blueprint though, I met up. I married the wrong person But I don't even want to say the wrong person a person that we were to misaligned. Okay, so we got a divorce Okay now step fast forward a few months after my divorce I went online dating and I met a fantastic woman. I think was nine months into my divorce I met a fantastic woman. We began dating and three months in I hit a wall I hit a huge wall. I couldn't move any forward in this relationship And this is what I want to lean into because this just doesn't happen to me This has happened to many many many many men and women as well when they hit this wall Now sometimes that wall happens before you ever start dating someone that that's a lean into that conversation And sometimes the wall it's way further down in the dating mating or relating realm But and what happened in this particular case is I couldn't move any further Emotionally into the relationship. I couldn't move any further Emotionally in the relationship now. Why is this? Because I was going through I had just lost my quarter million dollar a year job I was burning through my savings. I was an emotional wreck I was going through chaos and at that time I was also heavily doing drugs and alcohol to self-medicate now when I say heavily Let me reframe that. I was doing I was doing Microdosing of cocaine just to get through the day and then I drank heavily on the weekends because I was an emotional Wreck inside. I was deeply wounded And so with this woman that I dated for three months I hit that wall. That's the furthest point. I could go any further in this relationship and This relationship ended and we and it ended actually very amicably She totally understood where I was at In fact, she is one of the sweetest people on the planet She was very loving and accepting towards me because mostly I was I was relatively Vulnerable authentic and transparent with her. I was relatively vulnerable authentic and transparent only to the extent I was transparent of what I was still having a hard time Understanding what was going on inside of me So the next five years I began doing more of a personal or a dive into Personal develop and self-help in spiritual work. I repeat that I did more of a dive in personal develop and self-help in spiritual work I really just was starting my beginning path at it around that time and then fast forward to Six years later from that relationship. I didn't really have any relationships in that period of time That didn't last for a few weeks or maybe a month at best And then I met somebody I met a really another fantastic woman and Sure enough. I was short right in the beginning of the relationship I hit a wall and that wall centered around and we'd only been dating I think three or four weeks and We'd seen each other a lot during I think it was a month period of time I think we'd seen each other about ten times and we'd just had been intimate and then Valentine's Day hit and I hit another wall because that felt like so much pressure That I had to perform and do stuff and I know how many of you ladies love the narrative that Shivers and they're gonna be so overly romantic because they love to be so romantic That to the extent. I was a romantic person. I for some reason Valentine's Day Smacked me upside the head like I hit a tree skiing and I was a total. I totally blew it totally fucked it up I mucked it up And and she was a little bit disappointed What was different though was because I was coming out of a lot of my Woundedness at this point in time because of the personal development self-help in spiritual work I began doing I leaned into the relationship past this point. So for a lot of men they hit this point of emotional responsibility and They they cave they fade they ghost they disappear they pull away all those sorts of things I had reached a point where I could now push through this What I was really pushing through and that's where I want to go deeper today is I was pushing through my fear of intimacy my fear of Intimacy because I was coming off of a marriage that didn't work out. I was coming off of past relationships didn't work out I had deep wounding that was unhealed and I was self medicating at this time So I was actually an unconscious person for a long period of time All right So I'm sharing all of my personal experience because I'm not alone so many men go through this exact same experience a contentious divorce or they lost their professional identity or they're going through health issues or they have family member issues They're going through some sort of trauma in their life as an adult And so I speak from a place of understanding why this happened so often and This is a very common narrative for both men and women alike who are suffering on the inside because of past hurts Disappointments maybe even more traumatic experiences that causes them to wall up and create a fear of intimacy Which really means is they can't get past the point of actually leaning into the emotional responsibility of a relationship and Then I was doing fine until I hit another wall and I don't want to say a wall until I hit another trauma and those who know me know I lost my 19 year old son Connor. That's a picture of him right there picture of him right there talk about a Traumatic event Traumatic event that would this isn't just being hit by the two by four This is being beaten up by a two by four Emotionally and that experience alone has caused a very sensitive side to me that makes me afraid Now and to the extent now what I what I did To work on healing that is I did a deep dive into writing my second book called what the heck is self love anyway What the heck is self love anyway? By the way, there's a link below in the description for my book and why I share this with you is I channeled all my energy into not suffering during this grieving But leaning into what I was really feeling and yet still a very traumatic event And I would say it has residual effects to me today So I shared my entire personal experience. I've given you kind of a roadmap of what happened in my own personal life Let me ask you this. Have you experienced trauma whether as an adult or as a child? Have you been with men who have experienced wounds and traumas as in a child or as an adult? Because this shapes our personality And this is one of the reasons why many people are afraid to go into deeper intimacy Because They don't feel safe. They don't feel safe This is a very common experience for both men and women life This is why i'm so fucking tired of the rhetoric that the whole idea that men are supposed to court and men are supposed to be chivalrous and men are supposed to do this I i'm so tired of the rhetoric because the reality is is when we get into midlife We are dealing with a significant percentage of the population that has unhealed wounds and traumas And yet we're thirsty for connection. We're thirsty for physical intimacy. We're even thirsty for a little bit emotional intimacy However, if that emotional intimacy Is built on a weak foundation Many people can't go any further And then what happens is men get judged as being bad men get judged as being Narcissist i'm so tired of the fucking rhetoric around narcissism and men get labeled being narcissists not because they're genuine Narcissists it's because they're suffering on the inside and they seem rather selfish because they're incapable of being part of a We they're incapable of being in part of a week This is why I created my private coaching program women that work with me Learn how to vet for emotional maturity and how to ask the right questions So you're not diving into a relationship with someone because let's face it We've adopted the belief that if we have two people are attracted to one another it equals relationship success And so why I work with women on an individual basis By the way, there's a link below to a schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you Is I I help you get a better sense of who's really a good candidate versus those who are deeply hurting and wounded And even myself i'm someone who does i feel like i've done a tremendous amount of work, but i mean Sometimes we are traumatized by things outside of our control and many of you have experienced the same thing So The bottom line is this Most men are good people most men are good people And a lot of men are afraid of intimacy a lot of men are afraid of To go beyond a certain point And the reality is is a relationship requires emotional responsibility to be there for your partner on an emotional level And unless a man has done either some introspective work or has some done some personal development works self-help and spiritual work Or he's very attuned to his own emotions It's going to be very problematic and one of the reasons why you want to learn how to ask the better questions In dating instead of following the traditional narrative of just you know Just sit your feminine energy and lean back and just have fun You know, let's just have fun. It's all about having a good time One two three four five six weeks in all you're doing is having a fun time leaning back into your feminine energy You're just having such a good time Only to get hit by the two by four when he goes pulls away or stops making effort Because you weren't being radically honest right from the get-go I'm gonna repeat that you weren't being radically honest right from the get-go And one of the things in my coaching program. We have a whole section called radical honesty asking the right questions And ladies, you know my narrative before the penis goes inside the vagina You better be asking the better questions instead of just leaning back and having a good time Because how many times have you leaned back and had a good time only to be smacked by that two by four? And let me tell you this Nine out of ten times you knew something was off right from the very beginning, but you went against your better judgment It's time to learn how to be more decisive to be more Intentional about the process instead of this stupid traditional narrative because the reality is is we're dealing with a sea of wounded people Myself included most of you as well That's the reality. We're dealing with in midlife. Okay And without that, you know that bloop and without that blueprint Many people going forward have no idea how to truly blend a relationship together and make it work This is why I created a coaching program to help you with all of this And this is why I shoot videos on a regular basis to expand your consciousness to make you aware of the really more important things about the dating mating and relating process instead of the whole Book the rules which is a manipulative process and the whole traditional narrative of men or the leaders of the relationship ladies You are in charge of your relationship destiny And look, I if I was your big I am your big brother But if I could be there on a first date for you and I was there The guy's picking up the door and I've got the shotgun and I'm pointing at him I would be asking all those questions. I would interrogate him on your behalf You actually do have to interrogate people. I'm sorry this whole narrative that you don't interview people I'm that's bullshit. You want to interrogate them? Now I you can see I'm smiling if you're watching the video Um, I'm saying it tongue-in-cheek what I mean to say is ask better questions before you give your heart away Because what you don't want to end up to find out is a man has reached a point And he's incapable of going any further and by the way ladies one last thing when a guy says I want a relationship That doesn't mean I want commitment. That doesn't mean I want partnership. It just means he wants a Connection and sex with you. Okay If you want to go into the I'm going to give you one tip today If you want to learn the deeper questions to ask then ask a man What does commitment look like for you? I'm going to repeat that ask a man What does commitment look like for you because if you can't respond to what commitment looks like Then you're going to have a problematic time Really developing the roots to deeper trust That allows you to move past or allows him to move past that fear of intimacy. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know hit that like button for me All right, I think this will be a great time to start taking questions today For those that are on the live stream really quickly Here's the couple rules if you'd like to purchase a super sticker or a super chat and post the question inside the super sticker Super chat. It's easier for me to find or write the word question and then post your actual question It'll be make it easier for me. And by the way, many of you have said I missed your questions Please do me a favor cut and paste and repeat a few times. It's very hard for me to find them So make it easier for me. Thank you so much. All right time to put on my trusty glasses Time to drink some moscow mule if you have a question post it below. Thank you so much By the way, was this did this resonate with you the the content? I hope it did All right, let's see what we've got here question osha says Question when men Friends have a meltdown and confide things to me because they feel they can't talk to their significant others How can I be the most supportive? Some of them are really hurting I'm going to repeat this again when my men friends have a meltdown and confide Things to me because they're really hurting and can't talk to their significant others How can I be the most supportive? Some of them are really hurting love this question So here's the thing ladies I want to share a narrative that many of you have heard from is that You know this whole masculine and feminine energy masculine feminine energy I'm going to get to your question in a second But this whole thing now men love feminine energy. That's such a crock of shit Okay, let me explain why just bear with me a second Masculine is simply doing and feminine is receiving Men and e men and women inside of them have a capacity to give and receive and receive and give Okay, that's what masculine feminine energy is. Okay Female energy is different because female energy is designed for a for a woman a person who has a vagina Okay, that's female energy Okay Men have penis energy or men have male energy. That's because they have a penis and I'm just differentiating the genders. Okay Men prefer to confide to women more so than men I'm going to repeat that men prefer to confide to women more so than men because we men We were never raised to share our feelings To our male friends repeat that we were not raised to share our feelings To male friends But we feel more comfortable sharing it with a woman Okay, so this is one of the reasons why men will go on and on by the way, forget that this happened to be Uh a situation where a woman or man is confiding to a woman who has a relationship Okay, but why men oftentimes will get into long deep Conversations with women is because we need an outlet to share our problems We need an outlet to share our problems and we feel safer sharing it with a woman Not a significant other woman, but to a woman Because it feels safer to us than telling our male friends because we don't want to be perceived as weak to our male friends Now here's the thing There's a big difference when a man shares his problems versus his fears I'm going to repeat that there's a big difference between sharing problems and fears Men oftentimes share their problems their issues with their Ex-spouse their issues with their work. Maybe their issues with their kids that's sharing problems That's not true intimacy True intimacy is when someone shares their fears with another human being their insecurities So a lot of you women hear a man sharing his problems and you go. Oh my god That's music to my ears because he's being vulnerable with me And certainly he is being vulnerable But true wrong of vulnerability Actually, he's simply being transparent when someone shares their problem True vulnerability is when we can lean into our insecurity and fears So now coming back to your original question The best way to be supportive. I want to I want to recommend reading a book The book is called non-violent communication by marshal rozenberg non-violent communication by marshal rozenberg This helps you learn how to communicate in more Languaging the languaging to help draw out someone's true vulnerability. Let me repeat that this book teaches you How to draw out somebody's someone's vulnerability? so And and most importantly to be supportive just remember If he confides something that's material to the relationship for his relationship Then you should encourage him to communicate with his partner because withholding information or sweeping things under the rug Will be very traumatic Very traumatic or dramatic dramatic and explosive potentially If i've learned one thing in life for myself I think one of my skillsets is i know how to be vulnerable Authentic and transparent and if it's material to another person It's important to share it with your partner So what you can do is be an encouragement to allow him to use your feminine energy to vent if you will and then redirect his energy into At least encouraging him to speak to his partner. Does that make sense? I hope it does By the way, thank you great question. I really appreciate giving you a big gigantic drop in bearhawk. Thank you so much All right, let's see all right A b says what does it mean when a man you've been in relationship for years? Move on quickly to a new woman after y'all break up Y'all break up So I guess the question is why does a man who is in relationship with someone and And immediately move into a new relationship with someone else Interestingly enough men can be incredibly Co-dependent co-dependent in other words they fear being by themselves Some men truly fear being by themselves if you're not familiar with the book Co-dependent no more co-dependent no more This is a great book to understand if you if you have co-dependency issues or understanding Co-dependency because what that man is doing is you know that jerry maguire I need somebody to complete me because he feels incomplete within himself So the minute the relationship ends and by the way men and women do this alike women do this and men do this Have to fill that hole have to fill that void as soon as possible because so many people are afraid to look in the mirror And actually do the work on themselves. I know this because quite frankly. I had co-dependent I had a co-dependent personality until my significant relationship ended about four years ago Where I did a deep dive into just being by myself And until someone can actually enjoy their own company by themselves If they happen to be serial monogamous and they go from one to the next and the next They oftentimes don't make good partners because the minute they hit a wall They disappear because they're looking for that next fix because they're incomplete within themselves You've all heard the narrative. How can we love another if we don't love ourselves? This is why I recommend reading my book to help you along that way and give it to every man, you know as well Okay, I hope that helps. Thank you so much. Great question All right Let's see. We got a lot of content here Anna says right on do not waste time thus must ask those questions if he wants sex But is uncomfortable with my questions. I will pursue answers or move on Yes. Yes. Yes Ladies we men are driven biologically to spread our seed this whole narrative that men love the hunt and we love the chase What are we hunting and chasing? We're hunting and chasing sacks. We want to fuck I mean this whole thing that they're they're so chivalrous and they're courting you when they're chasing you That's such a crock of shit Because here's the thing most men don't walk around going. I want a relationship I want a relationship. They don't walk around that way and I'm being intentionally You know dramatic here Is because most men Most men do want connection. They do and they want physical intimacy However, most men don't understand the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship at midlife Okay, because and by the way, I'm a perfect example of this. Why let's go back to the beginning of this this um video Or this discussion I should say what did I say? What was my blueprint? Go to college get a job meet a girl get married buy a house start a family That was the blueprint. It was easy for me to follow. I just followed it step by step by step At midlife. There is no blueprint. It's just simply Relationship nope very few people know what commitment looks like at midlife This is why I highly recommend reading the book eight dates by dr John and julie gotman eight dates by dr John and julie gotman so you can learn the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship And if you want to even do a deeper dive into understanding partnership I highly recommend reading the book spiritual partnership by gary zukov spiritual partnership by gary zukov He wrote the book seed of the soul. Oh my god. This is brilliant work Brilliant work to understand the deeper mechanics of a relationship This is why most and this is another reason why men hit a wall Remember I said they don't know how to lean into the emotional aspects of the relationship They don't know what to do once once once you've had sex and hung out together What's the main purpose of being in relationship with one another if you don't know what it is? It's difficult to build a foundation that's built on emotional quicksand Why do I scream at the top of my lungs so you can hear this and pass it on your friends? And by the way, I just want to say one thing to all of those that comment Regularly on my channel. I am so grateful that this is making a difference because I think you can tell I'm not the one who's blowing smoke up your ass Again giving you the whole You know men are supposed to court and men are supposed to do this and men are supposed to do that narrative The supposed to narrative doesn't work. We human beings and by the way, let me let me introduce you to an idea here Think about it. 50 percent of marriage is in divorce 65 percent of second marriage is in divorce 75 percent of third marriage is in divorce. Why is this? It's because human beings don't know how to actually really work together in unison Especially at midlife And if you don't understand the mechanics, this is why I recommend all of these different books that I recommend You know, I'm pointing, you know attached and getting the love you want And loving what is by Byron Katie. These are just a few of the books I recommend because if you don't understand this, you're setting yourself up for failure ladies Can I tell you I'm gonna tell you something women that go through my private coaching I love what they say to me literally after they finish my boot camp. They all say the same thing Jonathan, why didn't they teach me this in school? Why didn't my parents teach me this? Why didn't I learn this before I married the wrong guy? And I say the same thing nobody taught me any of this My parents gave me the blueprint of what I was supposed to do They didn't teach me how to do it and this whole thing is we learned by our parents My parents are unique. How many of you grew up with dysfunctional parents? How many of you grew up with parents who were? Emotionally abusive to you and and gave you corporal punishment and all the different things that happened in our childhood That's set. This sets our personality as we get older and we can get triggered Constantly from our childhood wounds, but then the adult traumas add to this now. You might be thinking Jonathan Well, if we're all fucked up, how do we ever get through this? You know what? Here's the thing the most important relationship you're ever going to have is the relationship with yourself And so my invitation is when you begin to have an awesome relationship with yourself You're actually going to become a magnetic attractor for better people in your life So all this stuff i'm telling you about men if you're not doing the work you're going to continually What's the definition of insanity doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results? The reason why many of you attract the same kind of guys over and over and over again Because you're not doing the work Do the work and you're going to have a greater chance for success. Can I please get an amen? Thank you. Hit that like button as well all right Let's see what other questions we have Um, bear with me. I'm sorry. I'm just looking at all of this All right CA writes How can I help my boy open up about past traumas? I've been very open about my own trauma and healing process He has responded with love and care. I'm patient and not pushing him too much great question so You've led by example And depending if your relationship is building the deeper roots to trust You know through social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends uh Partnership skills teamwork skills both in your personal and professional life intimacy both emotional and physical intimacy If you're building the roots to trust He'll most likely open up when the time is right for him Okay, now some men are incapable of opening up Um, and and hopefully he seeks therapy or goes elsewhere The real question I have for you is is it affecting if is it affecting your relationship because you might be Wanting something he's incapable of giving and so then you have to ask yourself Can I accept the relationship the way it is because you may have a fantastic relationship? He just may be emotionally withdrawn. There's nothing wrong. By the way ladies There is nothing wrong with a person who's emotionally avoidant They're entitled to their experience just like you're entitled to your experience And all you can do is continually lead by example by expressing yourself in a healthy way I definitely going back to the book non-violent communication If you're expressing yourself in a healthy way Then you're giving him an opportunity to learn by example if you express yourself in an unhealthy way From an expectation base or putting on too much response. Here's the thing Sharing your vulnerability is great with a man. So long as it's not about him I'm gonna pause there You can share all the vulnerability you want so long as it's not about him or it's not something that affects your relationship Because the minute you be you're vulnerable and emotional with him But it's about the relationship or about something that's around them relationship a man will will wall up Let me be if he's not really attuned to himself If he's not capable of going past his certain point All you're going to do is serve to push the relationship backwards So again lead by example for things that have nothing to do with him or directly related to the relationship And that could be very difficult for many of you because we oftentimes point the finger at the other person Of what's wrong within us. That's why read this book All right. Thank you. Great question Oops all right We gin writes I read all the recommended books and spent two years working on myself. I still hit walls sometimes myself With the awareness that when I get frustrated with myself, will I ever recover completely? Great question By the way, if you hear a grunting in the background, uh, that's my kid's dog. That's connor's dog I'm babysitting. So if you hear that grunting, it's not me um, but let me go back to the question of Will I ever recover completely the answer is yes Seven seconds before you die That's it. The last few minutes of our life is when we receive total consciousness to this thing called the journey of life Okay, this thing called the journey of life. It is not a destination. It is an experience and here's the thing about healing It's a continuum that continues throughout your life You just keep getting better and better and better and better and better and better and better and better at it Because this whole thing is that we we heal some now we can heal one piece But we'll have another piece that comes up and we'll heal that piece and we have another piece that comes up because We have to dismantle Decades and decades and decades of emotional abuse that we have done to ourselves or that we experienced in life That's that trauma and wounds it takes Years and years of years and years and years and years of work And I truly believe that when we as in the movie caddy shack You know and on your death bed you receive total consciousness That is when we actually fully heal from all of our stuff So It's not about getting somewhere It's about doing the work over and over and over again and the more work you do The better you get at it that it isn't going to affect your life dramatically It actually adds because you're really Introspective and you have a good sense of who you are from an i standpoint from an i standpoint And i'm happy to hear you're doing the work. Bravo to you. Thank you wejin Okay Um, let's see question violet violet time Question being feminine is to be a sunshine in someone's life Being girly sexy and in my own way good listener with your own opinions and openness. What do you think? okay Certainly being girly and being sexy are all good things just like many of you women like men who are brawny and manly Those are all good things to have in your life. Just be careful getting sucked into the narrative of feminine How about it's just you? How about it's just a reflection of you? By the way, this is one of the reasons why ladies i highly recommend reading the book if the buddha dated if the buddha dated If the buddha dated is learning about oneself from a spiritual Perspective and it takes the penis and vagina rhetoric out of the way because it's a lot of this Rhetoric about how men are supposed to be and how women are supposed to be is what sets us up for failure By the way, I was listening to a podcast today or another relationship was talking about how men are rational and women are emotional So once you understand this, this is the john gray kind of bullshit when you understand the biology and stuff That all your relationship woes just go away Well, this is such a fucking crock of shit because men who are supposed to be logical completely can be Fucking irrational And I know this because That's I've been absolutely irrational Now, I don't mean, you know Didn't pay my bills on time and irrational like going off the handle but emotions are something For human beings men and women like struggle Navigating their emotions because most of the time they're unhealed with their childhood wounds and trauma So this narrative that all you have to do is know that men are logical men are the thinkers and women are emotional And all your relationship woes are just going to go by the wayside is such a fucking crock of shit If you don't get to the root of what causes someone's personality to be rather Disfunctional if you will you're just going to be repeating patterns Within yourself and choosing people, you know, that's why let me repeat this If you're listening to the narratives about the biology and all this other rhetoric Without understanding human behavior because it's not a john gray's work And I know many of you love john gray and it makes sense when a man's testosterone drops He needs to go in the cake. Okay. Well, that's true for a nano second Okay, we don't go into the cave because our testosterone drops We go in the cave because we are fucking our emotional life is in chaos And we need to take a break from it all This is why I said when a man reaches a certain point He may not be able to go any further Because he hasn't learned how to navigate his emotional well-being That's why this whole knowing this whole thing that testosterone drops and he goes in the cave that doesn't help you I make sure I mean it just gives an accrued explanation of what's happening But if you want to know the deeper stuff is he's got shit going on in his life. Is this making sense? Is this sinking in? Please let me know Thank you again for your question. I really appreciate violetta And by the way, it's great that you're girly and if the men you are with like that Just know this men also appreciate feminine strength. Oops. I said the feminine word Let me retract that. Let me do the Willy Wonka Reverse that men appreciate Individual empowerment Men and women appreciate individual empowerment. It's not feminine. It's not masculine So be girly dress up. But just know this what's really sexy at the end of the day is your self Empowerment your self worth your self-esteem your self confidence your sovereign tea Which is all wrapped into a nice little word that I use called Self love self love. There's the back cover by the way. All right Thank you, violetta. Once again, I appreciate it All righty Hazel says you're not a psychologist. It's not your job to heal other wounds I agree fully it is by the way ladies you have this narrative where you'll fix guys you love Projects you love those fix it guys. So you take on all their issues And then they you've done all this effort into them healing them and then they leave you on a dime It's called the bright shiny penny syndrome Because once a man is unloaded on you when he's not ready to be in relationship He's gotten it all the way. He's healed. He wants to be a bright shiny penny to someone else It is not your job to be his therapist I'm repeat. That's not your job to be his therapist. Go have him hire a therapist Or a counselor or someone but don't be hit that one great great point. Thank you Uh, Sharon says very informative. Thanks for the explanation great coach. Thank you Sharon. I appreciate that Abie says I was in a six-year relationship with my ex and he moved on within a month Had to had a new woman again. That happens bright shiny penny thing Doesn't that's by the way, that doesn't necessarily mean his relationship is going to be any better with that woman because when we trade one when we Unless we have healed Okay, you're just going to trade one problem for the next it Believe me oftentimes they they're again second marriages fail even at greater And so what that means is that's not any guarantee just because he found someone else that he's in a better relationship question sable writes How can I build a relationship again? If all I think about is how the person I last love lied about everything Even his identity work travel all he said is what should I do to trust again? Right all he said what should I do to trust again? Um, I don't have um I don't have the book but I would highly recommend read. This is um, this is uh, brunet browns book daring greatly But what I recommend is doing a deep dive into forgiveness doing a deep dive into forgiveness both forgiving yourself And forgiving him. I would find a forgiveness coach. I would do a cord cutting ceremony I would do a heavy it do a heavy duty amount of work Forgiving yourself. In fact, I would highly recommend reading the book return to love by mary Ann Williamson You may even want to consider doing a course in miracles Course in miracles is all about learning forgiveness for oneself and for other human beings Because until you reach a level of forgiveness You're going to most likely be suffering And as brunet brown says forgiveness isn't for for them It's for yourself And that's my invitation do a deep dive into forgiveness and gratitude and ask yourself What did you learn about yourself in these relationships? What positive things did you learn about yourself? Find the good find the gratitude and then have forgiveness because guess what if you don't forgive You're going to be you're not going to be a really good partner to anyone else If you're harboring and by the way this whole oh, there's another bullshit narrative That all we have to do is replace the person that was bad with someone good and we're going to heal No, we carry that shit over relationship after relationship after relationship So you better do the work. Otherwise, you're going to repeat the pattern. It's just going to be a different face That's all And I say it with love believe me Sending you a big gigantic jonathan bear hug. Thank you so much for that question Aaron o brian o brian writes How do we know when they have come to a point in the relationship where they hit a wall and cannot move forward? Believe me. You will know They start pulling away. They start disappearing. They start ghosting. They start withdrawing that happens Now let's differentiate between the romantic stage where men are very Demonstrative and effusive and then they nest in a relationship most men Once we get past the short-lived romance once we're in a relationship We hardly ever go anywhere think of how many divorces are initiated by women Men, you know, there's this whole bullshit narrative that men are commitment phobic No men nest when they're in a relationship. Do you know what nesting is? Like a bird makes a nest they nest men don't usually go anywhere They may not be emotionally involved in the relationship, but they rarely ever go anywhere Um, so how do you know what's going to happen? Well, how do how? Well asking the right questions ahead of time will prepare you basically ladies Look at I say everybody is fucked up. It's just a matter of degrees. I'm gonna repeat that everybody is fucked up It's just a matter of degrees You either have Gandhi or mother Teresa on one end of the spectrum Or you have Jeffrey Dahmer or Lizzie Borden at the other end of the spectrum. Okay, and most everybody is somewhere in between I operate from the premise that any woman first date any woman I meet she's fucked up I just want to find out how bad it is Is it something I can live with if it's Significant traumas and wounds that have been unhealed. Those are problematic people People that have done the person doing work in themselves those people who are actively in a state of awareness On how they operate as human beings Set you it puts your odds in your puts the odds in your favor and that's all I'm trying to do listen I want to say something No other dating coach is going to tell you this. Okay The likelihood of finding a juicy delicious healthy relationship. That's totally fucking awesome is slim It is slim. It's very it's a it's maybe You know 20 chance. Okay, you have a greater chance of finding a dysfunctional relationship than a healthy relationship Now, how do you put your odds in your favor? Do personal development self-help and spiritual work and ask better questions than the dating process? And that gives you a 50 50 chance of being in that 20 category So do you want to be in the category where you're going to have an 80 failure rate? Or do you want a 50 50 chance if you want a 50 50 chance? Do the work I recommend hire me as a coach and it puts the odds in your favor That's what i'm going to suggest to you. Thank you so much. Great question Ah Robin says I can't stop laughing now. Thank you so much Bridge. Oh wait, sorry that question. How do you know they've healed? You don't know. You know how you know when you're not having to follow listen ladies You you know, you're in the right relationship when you don't have to watch any of these videos Okay, that's when you know, you're in the right relationship. You don't have to follow any of this stuff Okay, you've followed it ahead of time, but you don't need to follow anymore. That's when you're in the right relationship All right. Oh sure, right. I'm by the way, I am butchering your and butchering your name. Excuse me COVID-19 an economic crisis affected some men's sense of self because they've lost everything Is it okay to say no matter how the relationship ends? By the way speaking as a man who lost everything I didn't lose it in COVID, but I understand this question Absolutely people that have suffered deep trauma in their lives, especially to their identity Men wrap their entire identity to their professional life So yes, anybody who is experiencing trauma, they might want companionship connection and sex But that doesn't mean that they're capable of moving into partnership Let me repeat that they're not capable of moving into partnership as I shared before in my previous The many of the previous live streams if the ground underneath him doesn't feel solid It's going to be very problematic for him to actually lean into leaning into Leaning into a relationship The less trauma that he has in his life and the more stability as in his life the greater chance of relationship success Let me repeat that the greater Okay, when a man's life is stable on an emotional and physical level Those are the ones you want to invest in and by the way asking good questions right from the gecko before the penis goes inside the vagina Ask better questions Hope that helps Ah Catherine writes How can I get through a rough patch with my fiance? We're when we're dealing with moving changing jobs immediate life plans and had to move to care for mother and he's angry and insecure um Couples therapy Folks if you're not actively If you know, I'm a big proponent that every couple should spend time with a couples therapist Not just before you get married, but I would recommend I recommend good couples to either do Personal development workshops together couples therapy together find a counselor maybe a church other places Have a support system around you to help your relationship ladies and gentlemen We used to live in villages. We used to live in villages. We had a support system around us We had elders to support us. We had younger people that forged and protected us Now we're doing it by ourselves and most humans are incapable of doing it all So having by the way, let me go to my book right quickly bear with me one second Chapter 11 page 66 chapter 11 Read that it says the importance of community and developing a tribe the importance of community And developing a tribe. We all need our tribe to support us because a relationship cannot do it by itself This is why so many relationship fails because they haven't put their Community around them their support system around them And I'm saying the more the deeper your bench the greater chance you have relationship success so my invitation Couples workshops couples therapy on a regular basis and set up your community to help support your relationship And if you not go to church because that's a great place to start Ah You know what folks, uh, it's friday night. I'm out to go out to dinner with my friends In fact, there's a picture of my my mates. Um, if you can see it there By the way for those that watch or watching the video, I do change the pictures behind me on a regular basis It's called uh mixed tiles Um, and so um, I just want to show you I'm heading out with my friends I started with a little cocktail with all of you today I hope this content helped understanding why men stop making effort once they reach this point fear of intimacy fear of emotional responsibility the fear of being Having to be responsible for your needs. I repeat that having to be responsible You are responsible for your needs. He's responsible for his needs responsible That doesn't mean you can't support one another but just recognize if we have to be responsible for your needs Well oftentimes pull away Because many men are incapable of going any further because they're suffering on the inside in some way shape or form And many of you are as well. So just recognize this and what I I want to remind you all Ask better questions early on and that will help prepare you so you don't find yourself in a relationship Where he stops making effort once you reach this point I hope you found value in this. Please do me a favor. Share this with your friends Hit that like button right now. Share this with your friends. Help me get my channel I we reached 50,000 reach recently. Help me get to 100. I'd love your love and support Okay, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love. Yes, you heard that bark And we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now