 he stopped making me come see you in fellas let's have a serious talk if you don't understand the importance of making your girlfriend slash wife orgasm on a regular basis you will 1000% lose her what's going on everybody i am popping in to let you know that Squarespace is sponsoring this video look from websites to online stores to marketing tools to analytics Squarespace is an all-in-one platform to build a beautiful powerful stunning online presence and run your business so go check them out now back to the video welcome to shared mic a title we came up with title we came up with three seconds before shooting so we asked the question to instagram what was the reason your last relationship ended and we got over 5000 responses people were very passionate to share their experiences in this way and even though there was a lot of different variances they kind of all grouped together in the same five to seven reasons yep we all dating the same people and the number one reason that we found from the survey that people break up is they said that they outgrew their partner what's fascinating to me about this being the number one response is that it speaks to a drive that we often overlook when it comes to partnerships we think we get into relationships because we want companionship we want access to sex and ultimately for some you want to procreate but what's unique to humans in particular is our ambition our drive to be bigger and greater and smarter than we are today and that's actually known as the self expansion theory and it's a theory of love that people get into relationships in essence to make themselves bigger and again that other person's knowledge you gain their knowledge you gain their network i think if you don't acknowledge that about yourself going into it you're going to find yourself getting frustrated by your partner and not knowing why so if everyone just admits themselves that like you want to use your partner and that's okay it is again it's a natural human drive to want to learn more and to want to gain more in life and to increase your chances of better legacy so choosing a partner who's trending in that direction probably will save both you and that person a lot of heartbreak yeah my ex felt he didn't have to grow as a partner he was okay with his version of good and they said good in quotations did you really outgrow them or did you stifle them or did you not encourage or give them space to grow um because nobody wants to be in a relationship where they feel that their partner is evolving and almost like sticking it in their face um and judging by this response it was just felt like it felt like as she grew she used it as like a badge of honor instead of being like hey look we can both grow uh that obviously we only have the 160 characters so i can't read too far into it i think that's half the truth but ultimately there are people who are just not progressive their reason wanted to experience being more of a player slash f-boy that kind of speaks what i just said yeah knowing what season you're at in your life and being honest about that there are some enjoyable components of hoeing around ethically i think and you had this discussion on enjoy the podcast yeah where you found being a fuckboy was not fulfilling the the bottom line is that's why i was saying like the fuckboy is the worst one because it's not right but it's one of the easiest ones to be yeah it is because especially if you get good at it yeah you're like why would i have the bakery or why would i have my cake when i have the whole bakery the better you get um and the less you get caught yeah the harder it is for you to the hardest for you to want to change a lot of times you don't even have to worry about getting caught you just do your thing pray how old are you again 22 22 so you're like you're in prime fuck i was just gonna say yeah i'm not saying that you are one no i don't know oh yeah i was a fuckboy i'm not gonna lie to you oh no the way you the way you're doing this shit right here that's the fuck boy that's the main thing i do though is just like if i'm not messing with it like or they kind of just annoy me i do a lot of ghosting i'm like i'm like that's that's a fuckboy that's a fuckboy that's like the second i was gonna ask you yeah i mean at the end of the day the fuck fuckboy mentality was it's not fulfilling at least for me like being on the other side being in a in a committed relationship like wait while you were a fuckboy was not fulfilling no i enjoyed it man i'm not gonna hold so you thought the boys i just you feel me i was like the freedom like i feel like when i got a girl like i feel like i got a p o officer right yeah yeah like get off my case like that's because you do a fuckboy shit that's easier though you're gonna get you don't gotta give no explanation no nothing it's just sit block yo damn no great that's a fuckboy that's fucked up bro that's a fuckboy right actually great why don't you give us some of the trades when i stop responding no go hit me up on my other social media so it's like all right well there's two sides of that i'll be i will say this if somebody is not responding to you right the writing's on the wall but then also don't be a dick bro like just tell them you're not interested you know i'm saying they don't especially like they don't that's why they're calling you five we're talking like if i'm hitting you up like once or twice a week you feel me it's like i'm not that involved i i one thing that i will say is usually he is a really smooth talker smooth operating he is able to tell you what you want to hear he's gonna give you all of those things he's very seductive and i think partly of that is because he has so much practice with a lot of different women yeah i think that's also the nice guy because it's that's the charmer i think the nice guy and the fuckboy are very close let's actually dive into that yeah this person wants to be a bit of a fuckboy yeah what would say to them if i were to go back in time and redo my fuckboy phase the way that i would adjust the way that i operated would be i would be a lot more upfront a lot more um transparent in the way that i wanted to operate a way i wanted to um interact with women i would give the woman the opportunity to say this is somebody i want to get involved with knowing all the cards are on the table or you know what i'm good on this i feel like when you're in that fboy stage you're not really giving the opportunity for the women to say you know what i'm not going to attach myself to that i'm not going to expose myself to someone like that um and it sounds like to me that this gentleman is going to be honest because he told the girl that he's with nine times that's him i wouldn't consider that a fuckboy i think being able to identify that that's what you're about to do before you do it a lot of people in hindsight will say yeah that was my like hoe phase that was my fuckboy phase not knowing that that's exactly what they were doing so him to your point knowing it and naming it and claiming it hopefully means he's going to be ethical in his pursuit of it i did not have a healthy sense of self definitely did not love myself enough i like this one because it was one of the very few ones that someone took responsibility for the breakup yeah yeah 99.9 of the responses that we got it was always like thank god yeah i think a lot of times we are tempted to look at the breakup and think about what they did wrong or why it ended because of them um which is natural i understand love is a drug so when you break up with someone you want to think about the worst parts of them so that you can help cope and get over it but in order for us to grow and to find that next healthy relationship you have to find out what was your responsibility in this to go down not saying that this guy was a what so good not saying that this guy was an asshole or a perfect saint i'm sure he did his dirt too but it's just awesome to see somebody look at it look at the relationship and think about what did i do wrong in this situation god damn military flying all over the place uh simple he was a liar you don't want to be with a liar so makes sense people not having the same conception about basics aka loyalty respect etc i feel like loyalty and respect and things like that are very debatable they're kind of like your perspective on them i mean you and i have a video where we debated what loyalty was people have their idea of what loyalty is backwards um i don't believe in being loyal to a person i do believe in being loyal to principles and morals okay because here's the thing i don't even believe in that so that's fair i know see so now we have a discussion we can all agree across the board that respect is important yeah that love is important that communication is important and so we can feel like we've got similar morals and values but our connotations of those things can be completely different yeah which is why i hate the phrase the key to a happy relationship is communication because it has to be so much more nuanced than that it's like saying the key to a good meal is food like fucking what else what are the ingredients and what are those small communication that's that hotep stuff what's hotep hotep is like fake woke oh yeah okay learn something new there i know in my past relationship my partner used to always accuse me of not having respect for them and to this day i have zero fucking clue what they meant by that yeah it was always like i want respect i don't i'm like what like what like what am i doing that's disrespecting you and so and you wouldn't like explain it to you no you just always use that word just that same word like respect respect respect and i just felt like it was their their crutch to lean on ever they were upset and couldn't really quite figure out why they didn't have good communication they didn't have good communication the key to a happy relationship is good communication before we do one more can i just say if you are enjoying this video and it's making you think a little bit about your last relationship and how you can learn from that to have an even better connection in the future or in your present connection right now please go over to my squarespace website because i have a slew of free activities workbooks and quizzes that you can do to better get to know your intimate self including the self summary workbook some of my quizzes that i have and the job listing exercise and if you do not know about squarespace or you don't have a connection with squarespace which powers so much of our big ideas learn more about them if you are an og to this channel i know you've heard us talk about squarespace once or twice and that is because we legit use it all the time we use squarespace for shan's website we use squarespace for my website we use squarespace for the game of desires website we use squarespace for the wedding registry i mean we even put pictures and exclusive content up there for you guys we love squarespace it's so easy to use even for me who has no idea code i find that i can customize our websites effortlessly from templates to in-depth analytics to blogging tools 2021 is going to get started right with squarespace and start that business that you want to do and if you have a mailing list that you already use listen squarespace's mailing list is so cost efficient and way easier to use so i'm just telling you go to squarespace check them out start your 2020 right and get that business started that you've been wanting to start if you haven't done so go to squarespace.com start playing around they got a free trial and when you're ready to launch go to squarespace.com slash shan booty to get 10 off of your first purchase of a website or a domain again when you're ready to launch go to squarespace.com slash shan booty to get 10 off your first purchase of a website or a domain we were young and needed to grow separately felt like we were holding each other back now to me this is the best type of breakup you win yes i think this is the healthiest type of breakup this is the least amount of heartache this is the both this is when both parties come to terms that this relationship is not serving either of us and we need to separate um i find that you know that saying when a heart breaks and never breaks even that's the one time when it breaks even i i feel like what's cool about this i lost my train of thought what's cool about this breakup is that it leaves the door open to possibly reconcile in the future when you're able to end things before it gets to a place of resentment because i feel like with a lot of the responses that we read it's indicative of them pushing the relationship beyond the point that it should have and that's when you start to get angry towards the person and those passive aggressive tones that we're seeing come when you know you should have ended that shit six months prior but you waited and now you hate that motherfucker so if you can just end at this point what you actually do is make peace with the fact that we're different people on different trajectories but who knows in the future we might line up again and if so at least we're still cordial and the door is still open if we wanted it to be he was too full of himself we saw an infinite amount of claims of diagnosis is that somebody else was narcissistic yes i actually appreciate this because they're not overusing a term which really should be reserved for a certain classification of extreme um antisocial personality disorders which is a narcissist this is just like yeah maybe they're just too arrogant it probably was too full of himself and that could be a thing as well where in the beginning it was it can be there's certain attributes that somebody might have that are seductive to start but get really annoying and obnoxious as time goes on because the guy was trash i hate this phrase i hate this phrase because it's overused it's very vague um if he was indeed trash he doesn't know what to fix he doesn't know what to change other men that hear that phrase we don't know what you didn't like we don't know what happened so when you just lean it on because he was trash it's just wack to me and you're not going to grow from that and you're not going to know what you don't want that's just my opinion i think that's correct because you picked this person you chose i didn't pick him for jared to pick him for you um probably wasn't an arranged relationship so the fact that you were attracted to trash there probably is something in there for you to admit to that's more powerful the other way to read this because the guy was trash is to say because i was at a particularly low point in my life because i lacked drive uh self love connections it was easy for a person who was not that attractive i mean physically attractive i mean didn't have a great partnership package going for them it was easy for that person to market themselves to me because a trash person could never market themselves to me today but definitely you know the last relationship that i was in when i first began that relationship i was at an extreme low point in my life in which that kind of trash individual would be an option for me because i didn't think i deserved better her overly emotional me minimal emotion cool at first got overwhelming for me you know this is what this is the anxious attachment and avoidant attachment yes and these two attachment styles are often attracted to each other because people like to validate what they already think you would rather be right than be wrong even if being right means your own heartbreak yeah so if i believe that relationships are overwhelming and relationships are too draining and people want too much for me as an avoidant person i'm going to be drawn to an anxious person who needs too much of other people to confirm my bias and so these two individuals get into this cycle where all they do is validate each other's fears about love yeah yeah that that's uh that's incredibly put i mean i find that this might not be a situation where um she's overly emotional i think that she may just you know express herself a little bit more and it's to me it sounds like you don't express it all and which both those are fine and it's fine as long as you get into a relationship with somebody uh like you is okay with that continued disagreements over really important topics like religion children and monogamy with these type of things you're never going to win them over if he has a strong stance on religion he has a strong stance on monogamy or he has a strong stance on children you're not going to win them over and you're not going to want to either these are the kind of things that someone needs to change their own mind about i don't want to be the reason you switched religions i think if you're around me and you're inspired by my belief system and you start to take an interest and slowly you find your own connection to the religion that's different yeah but asking someone to change these fundamental parts themselves to please you is a recipe for disaster yeah and like find this stuff out before you get to the continued part continue disagreements like this should have been on the first disagreement like you know what this probably not gonna work it's probably not gonna work i'm wasting my time you're wasting your time let's just let's just call it when i've read this it felt like oh this is the perfect relationship when we're in idli in a hostel and i'm here for three weeks you're here for two weeks we have a short amount of time we have crazy chemistry who gives a fuck that you don't want kids and i do yeah that's when this works other than that you play yourself this one says too honest and too nice those two can't exist together so you gotta pick one were you too honest or were you too nice because you can't be honest and be nice and you can't be nice and be honest so what's what's what's what is it baby what is it i would say to support that it's extremely rare to be honest and nice because of the negative bias so we are designed to survive not to be happy so the human brain naturally is more negative than positive you're going to look at a scenario and risk assess first so majority of our thoughts are negative and you have to find the strength to manage them so if you're honest and you just say whatever you think you're you're saying a lot of mean shit so a lot of the most discerning people are nice in order to be nice you have to be extremely discerning and not all that honest this is a big one probably the most overlooked and undervalued one not by you guys but by men he stopped making me come see you in fellas let's have a series talk if you don't understand the importance of making your girlfriend slash wife orgasm on a regular basis you will 1000% lose her i think that men do not take this seriously i think men think that it's normal for women not to come i think men think that it's not that important but fellas it's very important regardless of what she says regardless if she says well i get a lot of pleasure with just doing it i don't have to come every time she's lying she has to come up figure it out i think that first of all that was enjoyable whenever i watch tv shows and the husband has to beg the wife for sex talk about these heterosexual couples or i'll talk to men who say that in the beginning they were so freaking want to sex all the time and now that we live together the sex job completely dropped off and they're like why to me the answer is like they were never orgasming to begin with so when you first get together with someone one you're incentivized to fake it because you're trying to like pull that person in two the sex actually is exciting just as is without an orgasm because it's a new person like there's emotions there's like dopamine floods that are happening and when all those start to taper off because now this person becomes familiar to you if you're not being incentivized by pleasure there's very little to incentivize you i already have you and i'm not getting that rush anymore so i'd really just rather do like a crossword puzzle yeah so i think that what you said is so important and if you find you're in a relationship where this x drive took an extreme nose dad mind you there's tons of reason we talk about hsdd a lot on this channel we have videos on that so please watch those if you are somebody who experienced a really frustrating drop in sex drive but a lot of the times that if it happens in a relationship it's because you were never really putting it down and that's hard to accept for your ego but once you can do that and become a student of your partner's pleasure it can only get better yeah and i would say that i do blame women sometimes for this because they do fake it you know they do um not explain or they feel embarrassed for to explain to them how to get themselves off um so i just think that men have to go into it thinking i don't know this woman i don't know what she likes i'm here to learn and women have to go into it thinking i know exactly what i want i'm going to tell you what i like uh and be more comfortable in those in those areas that is the video uh i did say that we're gonna call some people but maybe we're gonna put that on my channel we'll still do it and uh and it might be over there on my channel so if you go check it out if it's not there sorry we didn't call y'all what have we called this shared time share the mic shared mic shared the mic yeah shared mic shared mic that's cool shared mic that's our handshake look at it okay unpack that shelf unpack that shit chef yeah lee read that motherfucker i think i i think i