 What's the secret to attracting a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship? We're gonna talk about that in a second. And what is the classiest thing a woman or a man can do to be attractive to the opposite sex, okay? And since my audience are heterosexual, we're talking about the opposite sex. And I think the most sexiest, attractive thing a person can do, we're gonna dive into it right now, is to remain in their power, to remain in their power with a positive, mental and emotional attitude. That's right, a positive and mental and emotional attitude. And we're gonna get into the tenants of this rather quickly. But one thing I've observed with most women is they have a propensity to give their power away to a man in relationship. And what that typically means is that they make their happiness predicated on whether or not the man is happy in the relationship. They make their entire world predicated on whether or not they're being validated by the man, whether they are being loved by the man, whether they are being appreciated by the man, whether they are being accepted by the man. I think human beings, and this is true for men as well, this isn't singular to women, but we oftentimes make our happiness predicated on another person. And women have a propensity, as I said before, to give their power away. What they do is they make, the relationship is on the man's term. They abandon their life prior to the man and make their whole life centered on a man. And worse, and this is a human condition, I think we're almost biologically wired to that the minute we are attached to another human being, we oftentimes compromise our boundaries, we compromise our standards. And we actually, in many cases, double down on those compromises, hoping for some shift to happen, hoping for some shift to happen, because we've already got this sunk cost. It's actually quite fascinating within the human dynamic how we oftentimes operate this way. And roughly about 80% of singles who are in the dating marketplace fall victim to this. They take red flags and they paint them green. We overlook the signs and the clues very early on because the minute there's a little bit of attraction with another person, we feel like attraction, lust, or limerence generates relationship success. I don't know if any of you are watching the show 90 Day Fiancé, 90 Day Fiancé the other way. Why I'm bringing up is there's a couple, there's a woman who lives in Los Angeles and she's attached to a man who lives in Istanbul, Turkey. And the reason why I watch this is because my parents are from Istanbul, Turkey. And this is, we'll call them relatively young, attractive couple. In other words, a lot of their identity is based on their physicality for themselves as individual and their relationship is based on the physicality. In fact, how they attached to one another was through their sexual attraction and physical dynamic of their passion and sex is what's drawn the two together. But what we now notice that they're spending time together as they're getting on each other's nerves, they operate completely different. And well, and she thankfully is doing her best to remain in power. My hope is she recognizes that this is probably not a healthy relationship. And yet many people fall, I don't wanna say victim per se, but they fall to the false sense of intimacy that is brought on through physical passion with one another. And if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, if you're brand new to my channel, I'm just gonna share this, okay? You can see the iceberg relationship iceberg above the waterline is chemistry and we talk about attraction. But compatibility is based on a variety of more important things like shared values, blendable lifestyles, and most importantly, emotional maturity. And you see, when you give your power away, you're abandoning yourself to accommodate a man or woman and then you double down on the wrong guy, which is a distressing lack of self-love. A distressing lack of self-love. See, the absolute number one classy move that's men and women secretly desire, emotionally grown up men. See, we have to differentiate between the couple I'm talking about on the TV show. I guarantee you they lack relationship skills and they lack emotional maturity. Again, if you haven't seen my chart, I mean, it's for those, if it's a repeat, repeat. By the way, I just want you to notice, this is not a fact, this is an opinion, but I believe roughly 20% of the population has weak, they have clinical issues surrounding their emotional maturity and their relationship skills. And while I suggest 20% of the population are healthy, and I'm being rather generous when I say 20%, most everyone is dysfunctional. They're self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-reliance, self-discipline. See, we're all hurt to some degree, but some far more than others. And in the dating market pool, you might find yourself either operating from a place of lack or choosing somebody from a place of lack. Because self-love, the classy thing you can do for yourself is to be in your power, to have that positive mental attitude, both emotionally and intellectually, that positive attitude, mental and emotional. But more importantly, you're an emotional grownup and we're gonna identify these key factors that are attractive to emotionally grownup, emotionally healthy people with good relationship skills. The sad part is everybody thinks they're good at this. And when I'm saying this, you might be thinking about what you might want from a man, but ladies, if you're watching this, you better own whether or not this actually applies to you as well, because everything I'm about to share applies to every individual that's watching this, whether you're a man or a woman. And I've talked about this before. Your actions match your words consistently, your actions match your words consistently. Look, we're human, we're gonna make mistakes. Hey, I'll give you a call later tonight and you fall asleep on the couch, no big deal. Okay, but if every night you say you're gonna call or text message or connect and then consistently bail on your words, that doesn't demonstrate self-love, that doesn't demonstrate emotional maturity, that doesn't demonstrate good relationship skills. And to be a classy person in relationship, your actions consistently match your words. In addition, you have a generous kind spirit about you. A friend of mine once said the best relationship are with two givers, two people that are givers. But I'm also gonna add to that that the best relationships are with two people who are givers and they are also capable of receiving. See, it's one thing to give love to another person, it's another thing to be able to accept those affections and love and be able to be in a reciprocal arrangement. That's where generosity, that's where kindness comes in. And not just with your partner, but with those around you. You have a generous and kind spirit. The next thing is you communicate clearly, clear communication without having to be right. I was just talking about this with a group of relationship coaches. It seems to me most everybody operates from a place of I'm right and you're wrong. That's natural to wanna defend your position. But a good communicator is able to listen to another person's point of view and say, ah, well first I'm gonna acknowledge your point of view. And I'm gonna validate that that's true for you. I'm gonna acknowledge and validate that's true for you. And I can accept that's true for you. But the same time I can clearly articulate my point of view from a non-place of being right. And this is where a lot of couples butt heads or a lot of relationships butt heads. Another thing is people don't use each other. Sadly in the dating marketplace, I've talked about this this morning with a coach and we were talking about how self-centric, how myopic, how most people aren't clear about their standards. They're not clear about their boundaries. More importantly, they're not clear about commitment. See the classy thing a person can do a man or woman is to be completely upfront about commitment and what that means to you, what that looks like for you. And that is retaining your power. It's not leaving it up for the other person. It's being clear, establishing your standards and boundaries right from the get-go. Another critical component about being in your power is having your act together. Having your act together. You're not in a, your life isn't in chaos. It's not in dysfunctionality. You're not living on fumes financially. And more importantly, you have a level of emotional and physical self-control. Self-control means you don't give, you don't chase sex. You don't chase drugs. You don't chase alcohol. You don't chase partying. You're not looking for the next fix. See, in dating, I'm gonna say something. I've noticed women don't have, I mean, men as well. Men chase sex. Women are chasing relationships and they don't have any self-control. They don't have any discipline. They just are hoping that the, you know, God, if I can get someone to love me, I can feel good about myself and I see almost a desperation, which is a lack of self-control. You know, I met up for coffee just a couple of hours ago with a dear friend of mine and she had done a lot of the inner work. I mean, she actually became a therapist. She got her master's degree. She's now getting her MFT. And she took a three-year break on dating. She was celibate for three years. She said she had to cleanse herself from all of her past experiences and now she's been in a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship for the last three years. And she said it was actually by avoiding, like by not being tempted by partying, not being tempted by, you know, coming from a desperate place to be in relationship and doing a lot of inner work has her in a space of both her act together is emotionally, logistically. She has her act together because she's in a state of self-control. Now, one of the things that's critically important, if you've experienced what you believe is heartbreak disappointment in your past relationships, it's critically important to be in your power is to heal from your past relationships, to have been healed. In other words, there isn't, we all have residue from our past relationships, but it doesn't provide a significant charge. I can't tell you how many women will share with me their dysfunctional ex-partner. They're all narcissists, by the way. It seems like everybody has dated, if not one, two or three narcissists. Isn't that fascinating? It seems like the entire world is just a nothing but narcissist, okay? But when you have to elaborate on your past relationships incessantly, then you haven't actually healed from them. You know you've healed when you don't need to bring up the past relationship other than in a casual, by the way, type of thing. If it brings you pain, if it brings you anguish, if you have a need to go over it over and over and over again, chances are you haven't healed from that experience. Now, healing is an ongoing thing. It doesn't happen overnight. I don't think we ever fully heal, maybe at the last five seconds of life, have we healed and we get a chance to transition on, okay? But that residue isn't sticky, it isn't covering you. It's not the armor that puts up walls. And yet sadly, many people are experiencing those walls due to past hurts. And it's time to do the work to heal past that. In addition, these are individuals, the classy thing you can do to retain your power is to be introspective, to work on oneself, to grow past one's limitations. If you're not familiar with the work, the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process, I invite everyone to look into this. By the way, all the books I recommend are listed below. I recommend this book to do healing from childhood wounds and traumas to heal those negative patterns and limiting beliefs in one life, one's life. You know, it really piggybacks and mirrors the book I wrote. By the way, folks, I'm gonna make a pitch for my book. If you're not familiar with the work of what the heck is self love anyway, it's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. In the description below, you can get all my recommended books. But why I recommend introspective work to heal the wounds and traumas is that puts you in a fast track for becoming a magnetic attractor for the type of relation. If you want that juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship. And I know I'm dramatizing the words with juicy, delicious. I just happen to like it from a point of artistic flair, if you will. Relationships are gonna be work as well, but it starts by doing the individual work. And most importantly, you have a protective empathetic nature about yourself. Many women alike, people that have a protective nature for their partner, they have an empathetic nature for their partner. They retain their power by not making it all about the other person because they're protective and empathetic for their own needs as well. See, this is highly attractive. It's a classy thing you can do in your life to be in that space of both empathetic and protective of your partner and as well as yourself. Because when you retain your power, you are protective, not protective from, like I have to put walls up, but you're not gonna allow boundaries, excuse me. You are gonna establish boundaries when someone crosses a boundary in your life. And lastly, you believe demonstrating trust is paramount in your life. You believe demonstrating trust is paramount in your life. Now, trust isn't just about fidelity. Trust is, does this other person have my best interest at heart, for the most part? We don't wanna necessarily become doormats or in such, but trust is like, I know this person deep down has my best interest at heart. And even to people that might be having some contention between them, they still know that the other person really at deep down is looking out for me. That's what the term I've got your back means, that I'm looking out for your best interest. In fact, your best interest are my best interest as well. So I wanna dive into three ways to really be in this state of empowerment. And this is what I teach in my private coaching. By the way, there's a link right here to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. By the way, there's a link below. If you wanna talk to me and find out if working with a coach is right for you with what I'm about to share with you, then come back to this video and click those links. But I said, number one is retaining your power. The second most important thing you can do, oh, let me backtrack. When it comes to establishing that juicy, delicious relationship, number one is retaining your power. Number two is learning discernment, discernment. This is all about practicing higher level of intentionality in the dating, mating and relating phase. This is what I call vetting another person, V-E-T-T-I-N-G, vetting, discernment, intentionality, purposeful. We can put the words purposeful dating. We can say intentional dating. We could talk about vetting, but most importantly discernment. Recognizing that not everybody is perfectly aligned for us, but put the odds in your favor by finding somebody who is mostly aligned with you. And the third piece is practicing discipline, discipline. Discipline doesn't care about how you feel. Discipline requires doing the hard work, making the hard choices for the betterment of your life. Just like dieting, it takes discipline to say no to those things that are not good for you, like chasing the sex. When I come back to that couple at 90 Day Fiancé, that Turkish gentleman and the woman who actually happens to be Amish, or was a former or family was in the Amish community, they are chasing sex. They don't have any discipline. And believe me, this is a disaster waiting to happen. I mean, anyone watches the show, you'll find out very quickly, I think this is a disaster waiting to happen. Discipline is an important facet for attracting that juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship. And the classiest thing you can do in your life is to remain in your power. Number one, to have a positive emotional and mental attitude in life. To love on yourself is to remain in your power. To be discerning is to remain in your power and to have discipline, particularly self-discipline, is retaining your power. And this is very classy. And men, emotionally grown up, men and emotionally grown up women are attracted to these human beings who demonstrate this. So the invitation right now for you all is to look inward and ask yourself, do I operate from this place? Do I operate from this place? And I invite you all look inward and ask yourself that. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. Please post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. If it did, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you'll be notified of new videos and live videos as well. All right, do you have a question for me? Those who know my format, if you have a question right now, we're going into the Q and A, write the word question in the chat box or then post your question there after or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the money's from a Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there with his brother. It's my son who passed away a few years ago and his honor we donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and the Seeds of Love, which is an organization out of Columbia to help underprivileged children as well. So that little dollar sign, if you're watching the replay, hit that super thanks as well. All right, let's see what we have in the way of Q and A. Oh, by the way, you can join the hot seat as well. If you wanna join me live, you can join the hot seat as well. Okay, and there's a little link there. All right, let's see. Cecilia has a question. Is there any research on couples who feel so similar that they end up being bosom buddies but marry other people? Well, first off, I'm not aware of any research studies related to that, but let's explore this for a second. They become bosom buddies. Well, I think these are people in the friend zone. You know, I think sometimes when we're in that friend zone, it's rather difficult because they make such great partners with one another but they're missing that attraction piece that we talked about here in the relationship iceberg. You know, here's the challenge, by the way, there's the chemistry attraction piece. Chemistry is so elusive. It's so hard to actually quantify what it is that unique spark, is it lust, is it limerence, or is there something else? You know, love in and of itself is just a simple choice to want to give to another human being and to accept and appreciate and be in a space of giving. You know, I think you have to want to give love, you know, but you don't have to necessarily be, have chemistry with that person, but at the end of the day, I think most of us would agree, you know, most want friendship on fire. They want friendship on fire. And if it's not missing the fire, you know, they can be bosom buddies, but it might be, you know, I think most everybody wants those four quadrants, you know, chemistry, shared values, blendable lifestyle and emotional maturity. That's where relationship success comes from, at least in my opinion, Cecilia. So thank you so much. Jennifer wants to piggyback something I said positive. I'm assuming attitude is so important. Negative, negativity is unattractive run from those men and women. Sarcasm is also a form of trauma. I have an occasional capacity to be sarcastic. I know that's my little kid rearing its ugly head. So I'm very familiar that that's oftentimes the case. By the way, I'm looking for a message I got while I'm talking to you. So let's see if there's other, any questions that have popped up. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. McCoy Hills Farm says, I never have a question to join. I'm just working on myself and life at the moment. I will welcome healthy mature, mature man if he shows up. I don't like if, how about when he shows up? How about that? Jacqueline wants to remind us to align yourself with real people that generally care, respect, and don't take offense to you having your own thoughts. I fully agree. And V wants to remind everyone I just said, you're right, friendship on fire, friendship on fire. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Okay, Charlene is in the house. My partner is divorcing, long process. He wants his own apartment to have his space. Is that what would be better to live together? I'm a little unclear of your question. So I'm gonna just take some, I'm gonna make some assumptions here. He's going through a divorce, he wants his own apartment. Okay, if he's going through a divorce, I want you to imagine when two people are married, their life is co-joined. First, you have to unravel the tapestry of this old life, okay? And a lot of people immediately merge or they get involved with someone else. It can be very codependent in that particular case, can be. I think he probably needs to establish his own space for a period of time, at least two years, to reintegrate back into his sovereignty, coming off of a long marriage and possibly a long divorce, as you've stated. So, you know, I'll be candid with you. I have mixed feelings about living together. And my only mixed feeling is this, I do suspect, well, first off, living together reveals a lot. And very, you know, you can actually learn very quickly if you get along with someone by living with them. So living them is an accelerated version of getting to know you. And to some degree, I'm a big proponent of it or at least spending a significant amount of time together. My friend said earlier, playing house together. I think that's a possible thing to want to engage in. But for the most part, you know, he needs time to find out who he is most likely before he can fully engage in a relationship with someone new. It's hard to say, Charlene, but those are just my rough thoughts on that. By the way, if anyone wants to join the hot seat, and I call it hot seat because I can be a little tough love at times. Jennifer says, at this point in my life, I will only live with my husband. Living together is like roommates. This is just my opinion. No, roommates, no, I disagree. You know, I briefly had a roommate in my life. I did my own thing. They did their own thing. We didn't do shopping together. We didn't buy groceries together. We didn't go to parties together. A roommate doesn't necessarily, I don't believe that, you know, those are remotely, you know, you can put the two together. I think when people live together, it's an opportunity to see if they work well. In partnership with one another. You know, here's the bottom line. You know, marriage is ended at a 50% rate, okay? And second marriage is ended at a 65 to 75% rate. I would say people living together probably, you know, end at a 60 to 70% rate. You know, people that are in relationships probably ended at an 80 to 90% rate. And first dates end at almost a 99% rate. In other words, you can go out with 100 people and 99 of them might not be right for you. So we progressively get better by more commitment we make with another person and living together is a greater commitment than a casual relationship. Living together is a bigger commitment than friends with benefits. Living together is a bigger commitment than situationships. So they're just different levels of commitment. And yes, people who live together will end at a greater rate than people who get married, okay? But you know, a lot of people are married and they're not happy either. So, you know, a lot of people are trying to figure this out. They're wondering now if living in two separate locations for the rest of your life might be a better way to go. A lot of people are at a point in their life where they're going to live in two separate locations having their own space. But at some point when you hit 75, 80, or 90, you're probably, I mean, are you gonna be able to drive back and forth? At what point are you gonna merge lives together? Those are questions you might want to know sooner rather than later. All right, Janice is in the house and she says, discussion. Men who have been married for a long period of time seem fragile, wife, divorced husband. But that's not a question, but your discussion is, yeah, I think a person who's been married for 40 or 50 years and they're back out in the dating marketplace, they're gonna be incredibly fragile. It's going to be foreign to them. Let's say they've been married 20, 25, 30 years, they're going to be, men and women are going to be incredibly fragile because they haven't, they've been so amatched with another person. They don't know what their life is like as an eye. They're so used to a weave. So yes, that is a fair statement. I talked the other night about the golden bachelor and some of the challenges we have with widowers and folks that are widowed and the challenges they go through, the people that have had breakups in their lives and divorces in the lives, the challenges they go through. Midlife relationships aren't for the faint of heart. And this is why it's so important to be intentional, to be discerning, to love yourself, to have discipline because those that are in a weak or frail state are going to suffer even more challenges because the reality is, is the minute you get attached to someone and it doesn't work out, that can be devastating. You know, I know this from personal experience right now. You know, there isn't anything easy about going through a relationship ending. It can be a very emotionally devastating. And I'm grateful that I have a pretty good foundation of self-love of being in my power because many people view this as heartbreak and they don't recover from it because they've given their power to another human being. So yes, there are a lot of fragile people out there. Good question, good discussion. The body electric supplement has a question. They say, so I'm considering asking a happily married couple, wait, asking a happily married couple, I know to help me find a life partner. Could I ask them, could I ask of them to help look over profiles, possibly double dates, red face, okay. You know, it depends on how long they've been happily married. If they're just relatively newly married, I might consider them. Those have been around the block for a while. They have no fucking clue what how dysfunctional the dating marketplace is. I don't necessarily believe happy couples understand the dating marketplace. They've had their own experiences. They only can speak from their point of view but the value of asking friends is hopefully they know you and they know who you are as a person and the value of asking friends for support and help is they know your blind spots. They know where you have, you know, your frailties. They know your challenges, you know. It's interesting. You know, I'm grateful that I have friends and you know, where they know my blind spots and I know their blind spots in life, you know. And because we're both, we're individuals open to growing past our foibles, you know, that's the benefit of reaching out to a couple who might be happily married or it doesn't have to be a happily married couple. I will say this and this is gonna piss off a lot of women right now. Women tend to give women bad advice. Women tend to give women bad advice. They tend to hyper focus on, they don't realize that they have a prince charming narrative that the guy has to be so ultra perfect that women give women bad advice, okay? And they often the vice is very entitled type of advice. Generally speaking, you know, I have a friend of mine who's a friend of hers is the tough love type of woman. I think tough love women give better advice than the Pollyanna type of or fantasy based women that give the prince charming type of advice. That's just my perception anyway. All right, Elizabeth's in the house. Is there a different way of asking what does commitment relationship look like to you and how do you ease into a casual conversation? Well, I think it's important to establish why are we spending time together? What's the purpose of us spending time together where we're getting to know each other? Why are we getting to know each other? I, you know what, I fucking bullshit. I think you should just point blank and say, especially if you met through a dating app, what's the purpose of us getting to know each other? Well, because I'm looking for a fully committed relationship. Oh, interesting, what kind of relation, what does commitment look like for you? See, that's how you ease into it. What does commitment look like to you? What does a relationship look like to you? I don't know. They're all shaggy. I don't know. Is it shaggy or scooby, excuse me? I don't know. You know, we've got people that they really have their head up their ass. They are so fucking clueless. Men and women alike, men in particular look clueless. You know, every, you ladies love the idea men are on the hunt and men are on the chase. What do men hunt and chase? Do they walk around going, I want a relationship. I want a relationship. They're just all giddy. I want a relationship. I want a fully committed relationship where we dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. Is that what we're hunting? Is that what our bow and arrow is about? No, men are hunting their physical needs getting met in most cases. So, you know, be careful of the men who are on the hunt for sex versus those that want a significant relationship. Anyway, it's my two cents on that. Margaret says, what percentages of marriages are unhappy? Well, 50% of them that end in divorce, we know they're unhappy. So the balance of them, I'm gonna say half of those people are not happy. They stay together. You know, I know a lot of men stay because that's just, you know, men nest in relationship but they're not, I know, I'd say well over half of people who have been married for a couple dozen years probably are unhappy. You know, and why do second and third marriages end at alarmingly high rates? Because humans are bad. They're bad at, they have poor emotional maturity and poor relationship skills. By the way, folks, I'm a coach, right? My area of expertise, I want, okay, look it. This sounds like I'm a defeatist and I'm a pessimist. And I'm here to say there are shitload of landmines in front of you. My job, by the way, there's schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you is to navigate the landmine so you avoid the dysfunctionality. I put the odds in your favor and just like in Hunger Games, may the odds forever be in your favor. That's what I do and that's why I get calls each week. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy and they know the difference. Jonathan, I just got engaged. Jonathan, I'm getting married. Jonathan, I'm living with someone because they did the work because they are operating from a complete different vantage point because everything we've ever learned about relationships up until this point is wrong. All right. N.V. wants to know, Jonathan, would you ever marry again? Absolutely, fucking Lutely. Yeah, I would. That's easy for me to say. I have a capacity to be... Doesn't have to be a legal marriage. It can be a spiritual marriage. It doesn't have to be with the government. But yeah, I definitely want to be in partnership with someone. That's certainly something I desire. I am very clear I wanna be partnered with somebody. So yes, thank you for asking that question. Revolve. I've been seeing a man for about a month. We had sex early on. How do I tell him that I wanna hold off on continuing sexual activity until we get to know each other better? Yeah, that's pretty hard when that genie is out of the bottle. I would try to avoid environments where you're in a capacity to have sex with one another. So probably go out on physical dates, plan on meeting somewhere and not go back to each other's respective homes. And by the way, eliminate alcohol for a while in your repertoire. But that genie's out of the bag. It's gonna be difficult to say. So rather than saying, I'm gonna hold off, merely create circumstances where maybe you're spending time during the day with somebody or lunchtime with somebody or even going out on physical dates, meeting up with each other. But and if you don't have that capacity, I'm gonna say you're close to being S-O-L. But because I think the minute you say you're putting a kibosh on the sex, that's a turn off, you know? You guys should have dealt with that. You shouldn't have done that. The problem is the genie's already out of the bottle. Does anyone else agree with me on that? I'd like to hear your thoughts post a comment below. Cecilia says, is living apart because of distance the same as a situation ship? There is a book, folks, you might wanna check out the book called Living Apart Together. This is people now, I mean, this is becoming very wildly popular. The idea is that two people are joined together but they're not living together. Tim Burton and his partner, Helena Baum and Carter, they lived in two separate homes. They were right next door to each other. I know actually married couples that live in two separate homes right next to each other. I actually know a couple like that. They want their space, but they co-join together. So does that make them situationships? Here's the thing, let's face it, marriage is not a guarantee of relationship success. It's just not. The guaranteed relationship success is predicated on trust. Trust. The problem is when we trust a fallible human being, love is a risk. Love is a risk. It's still the best game in town, but it's still a risk. But you know what, we can't control other people. As much as we think we can, we can't. You know, childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas cause a lot of anguish in individuals' lives and that can bleed into their partner's lives as well. So, you know, distance might be a concern in this particular case. I mean, the reality is you got to decide what you want. Folks, many of you, I swear to you, I interview women all the time. They come to me, Jonathan, I know what I want. I know what I want. I know what I want in a relationship. And they go through this proprietary coaching program I created. And can you guess what they say every single fucking time? Jonathan, you made me think, Jonathan, I didn't know what I want. Why didn't they teach me this in school? Why didn't my parents teach me this? Why didn't I learn this before I dated that knucklehead? You know, you got to be clear as to what you want. The word relationship has so many different variations. The word relationship is like looking at a prism and you could see one color, another color and another color. Like the word relationship is the same as looking at the multicolors of a prism. What does it mean to you? Linda Singer is in the house and she says how important are titles in relationships? Again, the title is one facet. It's the context behind the title that matters most. I think boyfriend and girlfriend, again, if you're, how you treat this person is really it's the actions that coincide with the words that do matter, but it's the actions behind the words that matter most. You can say boyfriend and girlfriend but you could be sleeping with multiple... There's no... Quite frankly, even when you do a handshake let's agree to monogamy, let's agree to exclusivity. It's still just a handshake. There's no guarantee that people are going to live up to their word. How do we do this? We do a better job of discernment, a better job of being disciplined, not giving into our basal needs of physical connection. Chemistry is a very seductive experience. There's the deception of chemistry. You know, there's a real deceptiveness to chemistry. And most people fall for someone through chemistry and oftentimes they double down on the wrong person because of chemistry as well. Mika's in the house. Jonathan, do you often wonder how many couples are compatible? Often times one person has all the qualities and the other simply may just settle as for heart evolves to whom is truly their desire. Yeah. You know what's interesting? So most of you know that my relationship didn't work out and I'm saddened by that. I really am. I really had high hopes. And it's a struggle being here, being vulnerable with you and to share that I had high hopes and it didn't work out. I also know that this experience for the last 15 months was such a blessing on so many levels. I learned so much about myself. I got to, and this person was really a special human being in my life. And sometimes good people don't work out. We oftentimes associate relationship endings with bad people or bad behavior. There was no bad, this person isn't bad. I'm not bad. The behavior from this person, you know, from her is not bad. The behavior from me wasn't bad. It's just sometimes people come into your lives to bring you a gift. And so, you know, the quality of a relationship isn't based on the amount of going the distance. The quality of the relationship is really predicated on how much you gave to another person. And I believe she gave, she did the best she could. I did the best I could. And even then sometimes that doesn't work out, but it doesn't mean the relationship was a failure. It just simply means we got the lesson we were meant to learn and we're gonna move on to new experiences, you know. Life is a journey folks. If you're not familiar with the work folks, I highly, by the way, there's a link below to get all the books I recommend. If you have not read the book, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, I highly fucking recommend this. I said the F word. This is Michael Singer, The Untethered Soul. This teaches you how to talk to the voices in your head. This allows you to experience life from a more divine connection to God, universe, spirit. A friend of mine once called it Gus, God, universe, spirit. I invite you, this is my Bible. And I invite anyone, no matter what your religious background to read this book, to really get to know the journey beyond yourself. Life is a journey. It's not a destination. Thank you, Meek. I appreciate it. Denise wrote, energetic polarity is missing typically when the people feel like brother and sister often because it goes too deep, too soon, lack of mystery. Yeah. You know, I don't even know how to quantify that. You know what? We can put a lot of fancy words, energetic polarity. We can put a lot of fancy words, but at the end of the day, they just weren't into each other. We'll make it as simple as one person is just not into the other person. That's just a fucking fact of life. Now why they weren't into them could be multiples of reasons. You know, we make up all these rules behind it, but at the end of the day, one person just wasn't in love with the other person and that happens. All right, let's keep going. Lulu is in the house and she says, it took him two hours to get back to me. He said, sorry for his late reply, but I kept blaming him on being busy. I said, I'm not okay. Was I exaggerating? I don't know. I mean, could you have been? I don't know if the word is exaggeration. You know, sometimes, you know, could you have been too needy? I mean, there's a lot of little factors. How long have you been dating each other? How often do you communicate each other? We have this almost incessant need to have, because of our devices, you better respond to me right away. You better respond to me right away. You better respond to me right away. You know, sometimes shit just happens. You know, Marie was terrible at texting. She was terrible at getting back. I mean, she was good sometimes and not good others. You know, some people are terrible at, you know, responding back via text messaging. Doesn't necessarily mean that they're irresponsible. It's just some people are better at it than there are others. We just have this overt need for constant communication. Otherwise, the sky is falling, you know, that oftentimes starts to happen. So anyway, let's keep going here. Hey, I wanna thank Elizabeth for the $3.99 super sticker. That's $4. By the way, our goal tonight is $50. So we are $46 away. Use that little dollar sign to donate to the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund. Jess is in the house. What do I do when a guy says I'm emotionally suffocating him? He pulled away and chased, I chased him and now I'm pulling away, but I think I messed up. Okay. A lot of times people are not good at what's called nonviolent communication. You're not familiar with the work by Marshall Rosenberg, nonviolent communication. It's important to learn to how to ask for your needs in a non-confrontational way. Let me say something, Jess. You are absolutely, if the penis is going inside the vagina on a regular basis, you have every right to ask for your needs to be met in relationship. How you ask for it could be suffocating because you're oftentimes blaming the other person for not meeting your needs instead of stating your needs and making requests, okay? A healthy relationship communication is stating a need and making a request. And if that request is suffocating him, he's probably emotionally constipated and emotionally constipated people, emotionally blocked people, emotionally unavailable people quite frankly make the worst partners. They fucking suck at it. They got to work on their shit. But you have to work on how to ask for your needs in a way that is non-confrontational. Another book to read, here's a great book. I hear you, the surprisingly simple skills behind extraordinary relationships. Highly recommend reading this book as well. All right, let's keep going. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Envy says, great, Jonathan. I think this is related to my marriage question. Thank you so much. Or the marriage question you had. Let's keep going here. Elizabeth wants to remind everyone the genie is out of the bottle. If you put out, then hold off. I can see myself doing that, but I don't want to do that. I guess, let me tell you something. Once the genie is out of the bottle, it's hard to bring that back in. Elizabeth says, I want a relationship and I'm scared like I am just afraid. I met someone and liked them to see and I'm second time. How do I overcome this? How do we overcome the fear? How do you overcome eating chocolate cake when you want to lose weight? What's the word? It takes discipline. It takes self-control. It takes a desire to push past our fears, okay? Let me tell you something. There's no magic fairy dust that's going to change the way you are. You have to want to do the hard thing inside and push past the fucking fear. That means working with a therapist. If that means working with a coach and push past the fear. You have to identify where the fear comes from. Identify where it comes from so you can shrink it down and then push past the fear. There's no easy way to get around this part of life. And by the way, is it fair to the other? Are you being fair to somebody else if you're afraid? This is the problem. Dysfunctional people, there's no consequence. It's like we've got human beings that go out seeking companionship, connection and sex but they have no consequence if they're not ready but the other person is and the other person gets attached to you and then they pull this, I'm not ready. I'm scared. I'm afraid. It's kind of fucked to the other person. It just really is. This person was meant to learn a lesson in this experience. So from a spiritual perspective, but you know what? It's time for emotional grownups to be out in the dating marketplace. And if you're not ready, then don't go out there with a loaded gun because you're gonna possibly hurt someone if you don't know how to shoot. Anyway, that's just my two cents there. Let's keep going here. By the way, does someone wanna join the hot seat before we wrap up tonight? Bob just wants to give me an amen. Well, thank you. I appreciate that. Denise wants to say sarcasm is passive aggressive. So I am aware that when I feel inferior, I become sarcastic. Yep. When I feel less than, could we call that passive aggressive? Yeah. I mean, that might be a term. The why, it's usually there's a moment where I'm feeling a lack of self-worth and my tool is sarcasm to get someone's attention. I'm not proud of it. I'm getting so much better at that, but I'm just aware that that's something within my personality that I'm working, that behavior is something I'm working on. And it requires awareness. Like it's you're walking down the street, you see a hole in the sidewalk, awareness is saying, stop before you fall in. And sometimes I fall in and I get out quickly. In other words, I'm sarcastic and I go, five second rule, okay, I'm a fallible human being. Oh my God, folks, the shit that comes out of my mouth when I shoot videos, my grammatical errors, my, I said the other day I was talking about the light bulb who invented the light bulb. And I said, Einstein, oh my God. And I met Edison, right? But it was just the E in my head. And I was thinking, I, you know, I'm like, I was just like, I gotta think of it quickly. And sometimes I'm a fallible human being. We're all fallible. You know, we're all a little weird and life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with mutual weirdness and call it love. Dr. Seuss, you know, it's just sometimes, you know, true love is accepting somebody even in their, you know, when they're at their worst, not that we tolerate somebody who's continually at the worst, but it's being able to go, you know what, they're human, they make mistakes and I'm gonna accept them. You know, again, they're not habitual at it. That's a whole nother story. Okay, I'm just rambling here. All right, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Kim, if you wanna join the hot seat, in other words, you wanna join me live here right now, click that link. Jennifer says, sarcasm is insecurity really. Yeah, I'm very aware. I can be insecure. I am not perfect. Denise says, living together is a huge sunk cost and needs to be entered seriously, not as a trial. Yes, you know what, you know, sometimes folks, we do, you know, I think what's most important, my father used to say, you can put your faith in Allah, but don't forget to tie up your camel, okay? Which I think effectively, that's what's saying is, you know, you go in with a level of, you know, hopefully of intentionality and consciousness. But you know what, everything is a risk, you know? And things can change on a dime, not, you know, things, look at my son passed away in a second, you know what? And I'm grateful for the 19 years and two months with him prior to it. You know what, when you live life in the present, when you live life to the fullest, you know what? Things don't have to, things may not work out and that's okay too. But yeah, you know, we can take big risks and sometimes we fail at it. That's part of life too, you know? Point is, are you living your life from your heart? Are you living your life from your heart in your head? In other words, you live your life with passion, but being, you know, again, you can put your faith in Allah, just don't forget to tie up your camel, okay? Hope that helps. Linda wants to know what is the reason behind some married men cheating on their wives? Well, I think usually the number one cause for infidelity is a lack of intimacy in the relationship, whether it's physical or emotional intimacy. There's actually some reasons could be that there's animosity. Some of the times there's contempt, sometimes there's criticism, sometimes there's defensiveness, sometimes there's stonewalling, sometimes there's, I said animosity, right? Sometimes there's a withhold of sex in the relationship. There's a variety of reasons why people are unfaithful to their partner. It's because the relationship is broken and they're not working on fixing the fucker. That's the reason why. And it takes two people to wanna work on it. You can bury your head in the sand and this person could be out cheating, but you're burying the head in your sand. And you're not taking ownership on your part of what's wrong in the relationship. It takes two people. Even if it's 90, the cheating isn't the, yes, that's a byproduct, but the symptom is still, there's a disconnect in the couple. Or there could be a person who is so insecure. Narcissistic men oftentimes are unfaithful because they're so insecure that they gotta go stick their dick and everything out there because that gives them a momentary sense of superiority. And women are just as equally, can be as unfaithful as well. I think now the infidelity rate is relatively equal between men and women. And women certainly have emotional affairs at an alarming rate as well. So those are the key things that I'm aware of. Tommy says, is there any healthy sign you're ready to date after a divorce when you've worked on yourself, books, self-love? What's the sign? Okay, let me tell you when you're ready to date. Four stages of relationship readiness. These are my sloppy notes. You are operating from the four agreements. If you're familiar with the book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Again, check out the books I recommend. In other words, you're being your best self. You're impeccable with your word. You don't allow the projections of others to affect you and you don't make assumptions. You are your best self, okay? You've healed your past. You don't have any residue from your past. You're not reliving your past. You are in the present. That's number one. Number two, you are very clear on the type of relationship you want and you vet people. This is what I teach in my private coaching. By the way, there's a link below to schedule a discovery call with me. See if working with the coach is right for you. Number two, you're familiar with the law of attraction, attracting people in your life. And more importantly, you have good flirting skills because guess what, baby? You gotta do a little come hither for both men and women like. You have to have attraction skills and flirting skills. And most importantly, when you're ready is when you're emotionally mature and you can communicate from a non-violent or compassionate communication style, you have good relationship skills. That's when you're ready to fully engage in this juicy, delicious, healthy, happy, relasive and the classy move. Men and women secretly love are those people that retain their power. And within retaining your power, you have a positive emotional and mental attitude. We got a lot of sour pusses out there. Men and women who have resting bitch face and that's not because they're old, it's because their attitude behind them makes them look old. And if you wanna change that narrative, reach out to a coach like myself to see if we can see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, folks, I hope you found value in the absolute number one classy way to make men secretly love you. You must do this. And by the way, this is men and women alike. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Post a comment below if this resonated with you, if you had something to add. If you did like this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell as well. All right, we're gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give inner them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Day and Cecilia and Jennifer and Jess and Elizabeth and Mika and McCoy Hill Farm and Sis and Denise and Margaret and Jen and Linda and Tammy and let's see, Kimberly and Susan. Everyone, big hugs to you. Have a great evening. Be well. Bye now.