 Good afternoon. Welcome to coronavirus and mental health. Today is February 12th, and it is the 707th day officially of the pandemic. And today is also gonna be a full moon, a nice day or rather a nice night for walking on the beach, which I would certainly recommend. I'm Ken Burtness in Haliva on the North Shore. Hi, and I'm Deanna Honaker, I'm an IAEA, and today we're gonna talk about our trail of anger and guilt potentially resulting from. Our numbers are going down, we're doing better, yet we're still in the middle of our overwhelm and our very intense feelings about living in a pandemic. Ken, I think you have the numbers. Yeah, New York Times reporting on Hawaii and shows us our total cases coming in are down 68%. Now that's comparing today's, not today's, but yesterday's February 15th, cases with our two week average, so down 68%. Now our hospitalizations are down 44%, and our deaths are up 18%. Now, all these statistics need to be taken with a grain of salt. For instance, being up 15%, excuse me, 18% on the deaths, that includes five deaths that we saw yesterday in February 15th. But if you look at since the pandemic began, we've lost 1,259 people from Hawaii in a small state like ours that is not insignificant. So yes, the numbers are going down, deaths are going up, but the deaths are going up little by little because of our population. But the other ones, these statistics are not hard and fast for a number of reasons that I mentioned last week. And one of the things you have to realize about the hospital admissions and most of the experts today say that that's more important than the total case numbers. Because of the Omicron variant being less nasty to us than the other variants like Delta. But what you have to take into consideration is those 707 days, and the days before then, before it was officially declared, the number of people in the hospitals working and being overloaded and overstressed by the pandemic and the number of people coming in the hospitals has taken its toll. So while we're doing better than most states, as far as our hospitalizations and our hospitals being able to continue to handle them, we're paying the price. We're paying the price with people being overstressed and our hospitals being not as fully staffed as we'd like them to be. So all of these things have to be taken into consideration plus the fact, like Diana says, that we've been up and down this coronavirus mountain a number of times and who knows when we're gonna start climbing that mountain again. So all those need to be taken into consideration. So Diana, I know you've been facing all this up and down thing in your dealing with your patients and your clients. Can you tell us a little bit more about that? Sure. I think the word that comes to me the most when I think of my patients or my clients as a group is just the feeling of overwhelm. This is exhausting. This has turned into a marathon. We were hoping it was gonna be a sprint. And I know Ken, you and I have talked about recently, like pretty soon we're gonna be saying, and this is year three of the coronavirus pandemic. It's long. And this kind of leads to what we wanted to discuss today about the subject of anger and how we get there and noticing that, yeah, it does stem from overwhelm. It does stem from inconvenience and stress over a long, long period of time and it has a cumulatory effect on us. And that maybe we're turning into people that we don't even recognize or our families don't recognize because the intensity of it. So one of the places that I wanted to start was just the awareness of our anger. That's our first step into taking care of ourselves and taking care of people around us. How do we get to that place of awareness? We don't want it to be, when our child looks frightened at us or people are like, hey, what's going on? Like we've passed that point of we're into our anger. Our anger has consumed us. So I know one of the first places that I'd like to start with my clients when we talk about anger, as far as awareness is where do you start feeling it in your body? Yes, we're gonna get angry and we're gonna go, oh my goodness, I did it again, but that's the beginning, right? Okay, I need to start paying attention. And I'm a big fan of preventative measures and it's the first thing that we notice in ourselves, what are your physical symptoms of, oh, I'm getting stressed to the point of potentially becoming angry, rapid heart rate, breathing, am I shutting down? I have a client whose palms of his hand get tingly, right? Like he's starting to let him know that, I'm starting to feel it. And so yeah, awareness is a really huge part of preventing our anger. So Ken, I know we were gonna talk about our maladaptive responses. So here we are, we're starting to feel angry and off we go, our anger has consumed us. Yeah, the trouble with maladaptive responses like anger is that we can tell our clients, we can give them some ideas of what to do to how to deal with that, but that's so easy to say and so hard to deal with. One of the things with anger that I always told the people who came to me and also my students who I teach is that when anger hits, when we start being aware of it, like Deanna says, we need to go into something like, for instance, a relaxation mode. We start to slow our breathing down, we start to untense our muscles, we start to relax and slowly but surely the anger fades away at this beneficent feeling and good feeling and oh yeah. And that works, it works well, but it is very hard not only to do the first time, but to continue. I call it Murphy's law. And Murphy's law, you start off and everything goes wrong. Well, there's an inverse relationship between anger and the ability to relax. So you're teaching your clients or our people how to relax and they say, oh yeah, I feel good. The easiest time to do that is when you're already relaxed. So I'm feeling pretty relaxed now and it's easy for me to go into it. But if I was angry and I'd sit here, that relaxation exercise would just sort of go away. And I wouldn't even think about it and I'd maintain that anger. So the angrier you get, the harder it is to relax. And that's one of the things that is very, very difficult for the clients and for the therapist. Drives both of us crazy. So Ken, I'm gonna jump in here because some of the things that I use with my clients, planning and practice. Yeah, absolutely. Those two things, exactly like you said, we need to talk about anger in the future or potential anger before it's happened. So if anybody, I'm a big yoga fan, if anybody practices yoga, we call it a practice. We don't get to a finish line. We're just constantly starting over again. So I do practice with my clients. We practice breathing. How does that feel, right? Because I can't just say, yeah, leave my office and then go practice your breathing. No, let's do it together. Let's see how that feels together. Do we feel better? Really monitor ourselves, have a practice. I definitely recommend clients, sometimes three times a day, after you brush your teeth, like give yourself some clues. Before I start my engine in my car, I'm gonna do three deep breaths, right? So that it becomes part of their lives and that tool is active so that when they do need it, it's right there, like, oh yeah, I know how to do this. I just did this two hours ago. I can take that deep breath. And that was kind of a way of also saying the planning. We have to think about it. What are the things that we know have high potential for helping us get to anger, right? Like are there preventative measures? I know people that they go to work super, super early because they just don't wanna deal with traffic. And that's okay, that plan works and they have their phone with them and they catch up on the news and the work parking lot and they don't have that feeling. So that part of that planning, not letting anger, take us over. And we know where the danger spots are. Like you're saying traffic. We know that at certain hours and at certain times, traffic is gonna be horrendous. So we have to make, we have to do something about that, like going into work early, like you're saying. The interesting thing is talking about preparing for those stressful spots. One of the things I do before I go on air here with ThinkDecAway is I take three or four deep breaths before Max or Eric says, okay, you're on. And I go, yeah, okay, I'm ready. And I have clients that give me that feedback. I had to go talk to my boss but I did it before I went into that meeting. There was something uncomfortable. I took my three deep breaths and it really worked. So, again, a lot of times where you have to experiment with ourselves and find out like, this is helpful to me. Maybe you're a five breath person, you need to take five, three just isn't enough but you won't know until you practice. That's another I will share with you as well. I see parents and they have children that are nervous or stressed out as well. And breathing can be a family practice. It can be anytime we sit down together or it's time to do our breathing. There was a viral TikTok video not too long ago of a five-year-old brother telling his little three-year-old brother to breathe, breathe, you're gonna be okay, breathe like we breathe. So, obviously a family that's using these tools and they're certainly more effective when mom and dad are doing it too. So, why not breathe as a family? Absolutely, and the thing about practice is you need to keep doing it like you're saying because only by keeping doing it does it become a habit. And when it becomes a habit, it starts becoming automatic and we anticipate, we can anticipate a lot of our stressful moments. And if we're in the habit of checking that stressful moment before it gets big and dealing with it at the very beginning and having the habit of doing that as a response, then we're in business. But that takes a lot of practice before something becomes habit. And it's great that we do it together. I mean, both therapists and client and family members, that's a terrific way to practice and make it become a habit, make it become something that you can call on because it's so easy to forget when you get angry. Yeah, and I think it's even about when I'm with friends or just me even hearing people that I don't even, I don't know who they are, but I'm certainly listening and I hear people say, we'll just take a deep breath, you'll be all right. So, it is entering our awareness that this is a really easy tool to have access to. Some people get a little resentful of it, but that's because they haven't been practicing. Yeah, absolutely. Now, when things get away from us, when the relaxation doesn't work are the other techniques that we have, then we're liable to do something that, maladaptive behaviors that you're talking about. And maladaptive behaviors, they ruin things for us in life. And that's when it becomes very, very key. If these maladaptive behaviors, if this anger, for instance, is affecting your work, if it's affecting your relationship with your family, if it's affecting your relationships with your friends, these are things that can be devastating. And it's been so easy to fall into this trap during the coronavirus. And that's the thing that really has swelled everybody's caseloads and caused people, even the most calm and easygoing people to get pissed off. And when you do that, you're liable to say or do something that is not you, like you were saying, Deanna, and it affects your self-confidence, it affects your self-image, and you keep saying to yourself afterwards, when it's a little too late, this is not me. This is not who I am. And what have I done? And the people who are most likely to do it, like we talked about last week, are the people we're closest to, they're the easiest targets, and the people who are there for us, and we're making it very difficult for them. And I know that's been the case in a lot of your family therapy cases, Deanna. Yeah, and just a little bit more maladaptive behaviors, just to be more, you know, put a finer point on it. You know, it can be anything from yelling, when we didn't mean to yell at someone that we care about, to those larger maladaptive behaviors of checking out with alcohol, or some other type of mind-bending substance, that yeah, a lot of people have adopted some behaviors that again, like you said, they don't recognize themselves. And what we go into quite quickly is we see ourselves having these behaviors and we feel guilty and we feel shameful about them. So what do we do with that? That's the next piece, right? So we're allowed to be human, we're allowed to make mistakes, we're allowed to yell at our kids, we're allowed to be human. But how do we move through that? And, you know, I'm a big fan of a good apology. That's always a good place to start. You know, if we hurt someone's feelings, you know, how do we make it right? How do we acknowledge that, you know, that was my bad? You know, I own that. But then internally, you know, how do we handle that guilt and that shame? And Ken, what were you gonna say? No, I was just gonna say that that's, again, the hard part of it. Most people to say I'm sorry is like, you know, pulling something that's like pulling an alien out of your chest, you know, that's hanging on there. I wouldn't say that out loud to people that we've screwed up. We don't like to say that. We like to blame other people. We like to, you know, say, well, it's their fault, the big day with the quotes, whoever they are, you know, the government, the agency, whatever. But it's very hard for us to accept that responsibility. But one of the things that helps us is that if we do that, that cues the other person or the other people who were saying that to, to also deal with their regrettable behavior and in turn come back to us and say, sure, and I'm sorry about this, you know, and that's a way of coming together. It's that's a rapprochement, you know, if that's so, so very critical. The other thing that I would add to your, you know, the maladaptive behavior, we think of maladaptive behavior is one, this, two, this, three, this. No behavior is also very maladaptive. I have a number of people who are paralyzed, not doing anything because everything seems, all the options seem closed. There doesn't seem to be any choices for them. And that's one of the important things, I think, to communicate to people and to yourself, I still have choices. We may be living in a coronavirus pandemic, but I still have choices of what I can do within that situation and I can do this and exploring what you can do and exploring what all of us can do with our friends and our family and our workplace to make things better. I think it's a big part of dealing with all this maladaptive behavior. I agree. And I think we talked in our first show about being creative. And yeah, if you're really suffering from depression, that it gets really hard to be creative if you're depressed, which makes it even more important for you to reach out and to connect with others because maybe you don't have the energy or just the space to be creative and problem solve, but people that care about you do and that you can work together. And, you know, maybe there's this thing that I really miss doing and somebody else is doing in a different way. I have a group that we usually do artwork together and now we do it in our homes, but we work together, you know, some of the ladies are quite elderly and there's no way that we could be together to do this artwork, but everyone sets aside some time. We spend that time together. Is it our preferred way of doing it? No, but for now it's okay. And that's what you're talking about, Ken. You like talking about we have choices. We can choose not to do any artwork at all or we can be okay with the way we're gonna do it right now for now. Yeah, for now. Yeah, and like you say, I think the key is to be creative about it. I'm in a number of family and relative and friend Zoom groups. And as we get used to it, we discover new ways to relate to each other. New ways to communicate, new ways to show each other, whether it's through art or music or, you know, and those are wonderful ways to do it. And, you know, we just have to sort of let ourself be open to be creative and trying something different. And again, that's hard to do, but if we encourage each other, I think that that's really the key there. I really like that we're talking about doing things together because I think some, I've been on those very uncomfortable family calls where we get all the cousins and the aunts and uncles together. And there's 10 people up on our Zoom call and no one knows what to say. And everything's already on social media, Facebook. We know what's happening, but there's, you know, games that we can play. Some companies have come up with some really fun interactive games that you can play on your TV and your computer at the same time. You know, like I mentioned, doing artwork together. I have a grand niece that I read her stories because she lives in Maryland and I live in Hawaii. And there's not a whole lot to talk to, to a two year old about, but I can read a story to her. So yeah, having an activity has certainly broadened my connections with people, not just the, okay, we're all on the screen. We're all looking at each other. What are we gonna say? What are we gonna do next? Yeah, and I'm in a cousin Zoom group and it's been terrific. I can't even say how great I feel about this because these were cousins that have spread all over. I have a cousin in Alaska. I've got a cousin in Brooklyn. I've got lots of cousins in between. And we were separated early on. Our parents, you know, my parents went West. Other parents went East. Other parents went to, you know, in other places. And so for the last 30 or 40 years, my cousins have been holiday card friends. You know, I'd contact them once a year on holidays, sending a Christmas card, a holiday card to them and sort of sharing that one time. And all of a sudden, everybody's down with coronavirus and we're Zooming. And we've been Zooming now for over a year and a half in this Zooming with people that I don't only hadn't had contact with for a long time, I really didn't know. And what we've done, and the wonderful thing about it is we've shared memories. It's not only in certain things that you can do like games and art, but you can fill in. I mean, there were so many things that I look back upon and so many things I missed. I missed being with certain people. I missed doing certain things. And now I have a chance to share with people that I care about and they're filling in all these things that I missed or that I didn't have a chance to do. And it is just, I come out of those Zooms and I'm high. You know, it's a wonderful high memories. And, you know, you have a lot of them, but other people can fill in and make them so much richer and you can understand them so much better. It's just great. I appreciate that, you know, some of the, we have to be delicate about the subject, but you know, some of the positives that have come out of the coronavirus that, you know, that you can look back and say, you know, if the pandemic hadn't hit, I'd still be just getting that once a year Christmas card and it has added something to your life. Absolutely. And, you know, sit in a moment of gratitude for that. You know, not moving too quickly into the, but oh, here's all the bad things that have happened. It's okay to sit in a moment of gratitude and thankfulness that some good things have happened. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it gives us a chance to do some good things. I know we're, I see the five minute thing. So we're coming toward the end, but I just wanted to get this in. One of the things that I really encourage people to do is the coronavirus has made us very narcissistic, very self-focused. We've got so many problems that we're dealing with. It becomes me, me, me. And I try to get them to reach out to other people and help other people. Because if you help other people, you feel so much better about yourself. And most of us are not feeling the best about ourselves because we're not able to do the things we're good at or we're used to doing. And reaching out to another person to help another person increases our self-confidence, our self-image. And we just feel good about it. And feeling good is so, so important during this time of the pandemic and the coronavirus. And I'm sure you've run into that too with your clients, Diana. Yeah, absolutely. And I think, you know, what you're saying there is about connection. And we know that human beings are made to be connected and that why not connect over a positive, right? That's in a negative. We can connect through our anger. We can connect through our frustration, but why not choose something positive? And again, you know, by filling our lives with these happy moments, we're less likely to be on that path of irritation or, you know, borderlining on becoming overwhelmed if we've got these good moments that we're either looking forward to or can carry with us for sure. Yeah. You know, we haven't had much of a chance to move from anger into guilt and shame, which oftentimes follow anger. We've spoken a little bit about it today, but we'll cover this more thoroughly in our next session, which by the way will be in two weeks on the 2nd of March. It'll be the same time, same day and everything. And Diana and I will be back and we'll get into that because that is so difficult. That, you know, how we deal with that. And, you know, we're talking a little bit about the beginnings of that, which is reaching out, making new things happen and helping other people. But we'll get more into that in detail on March 2nd. Yeah. And I know we have an email address that we can put up here on the screen that if anybody has any questions or wants us to address anything in particular, I don't see it right. There it is. Yeah. Please feel free to write to us and we'd be very happy to, you know, address any subject or, you know, aspect of the program. Yeah. And it really helps us out a lot because we want to make this program not just a lecture program, but a program that stays up with what's happening. That's why we're tracking this very closely in the changes in the coronavirus. But it also gives us a chance to reach out to you and find out what your questions are. Too many times experts think they know what everybody is thinking. They, you know, they have the answers. Well, we don't have the answers. You have the questions and we'll find some answers for you. Some ideas, some suggestions that may be helpful. So you would be, like we've talked about before helping each other, you would be helping us by giving us some questions. There you go. We look forward to that. All right. Thank you everyone and much Aloha. Yes. And thanks to the Think Tech staff, to Max and Eric and that and Jay and everybody. And thank you for coming in and listening and we'll look forward to seeing you in two weeks. Aloha. Aloha.