 The Jack Benny program transcribed presented by Lucky Strike. Do you, do you, dut, do you, dut, do you, do, dut, do you. Be happy, go lucky, be happy. Get better, taste me happy. Go lucky, get better taste today. Friends, while cigarettes may look the same on the outside. There's an important inside difference in Lucky Strike. An inside difference that proves Luckies are made better to taste better. And it's easy to prove this to yourself. Just tear and compare. From a newly opened pack, take a cigarette made by any other manufacturer, then carefully tear a thin strip of paper straight down the seam from end to end, and gently remove the tobacco. In tearing, be careful not to disturb or loosen the tobacco. Now, in exactly the same way, remove the paper from a lucky strike. Then compare. Some cigarettes are so loosely packed they fall apart. Others have air spaces that burn too fast, taste hot and harsh and dry. But look at that lucky. See how it stays together, a perfect cylinder of fine, mild tobacco. See how round and firm and fully packed it is with long strands of fresh, clean, good tasting tobacco. Because luckies are made this way, they draw freely, smoke smoothly and evenly, taste fresh, clean and mild. So tear and compare. Prove to yourself that luckies are made better to taste better. Then make your next carton, Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Philaris Rochester, Dennis Day and yours truly, Don Wood. Ladies and gentlemen, this is our final radio program of the season, and immediately following, Jack will do his final television show. This has been a strenuous season, and on the shoulders of the star of our show falls most of this burden. So without further ado, we bring you a very tiresome comedian. That's tired. And here he is, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, you're right. This has been a very grueling season. Work, work, nothing but work. I tell you Don, I'm so tired right now, I can hardly keep my big blue eyes open. I'm really all in. Well, Jack, I know it's been a tough season, but I can't understand why you should be that tired. After all, you're only 39. Well, look, Don, it's hard for a man of your age to realize how tired you can get. Now, how old are you? Well, just wait till you're 39, brother. That's a long pull. Boy, will you be tired then. Of course, the burden, Don, the burden you're carrying is not on your shoulders. What? And how you ever got a pair of pants to fit your burden is beyond me. I want to tell you something, doing radio and television is really a- Hi, Jack. Hello, everybody. Well, Mary, here we are finishing another season, another 38 weeks that you've worked for me. How do you feel? Hungry. Oh, stop. Hungry. Mary, this is the last program of the year. Why can't you be nice? Why do you have to come out in here and infer that I don't pay you enough? Well, you don't. I don't. Then why is it every Thursday when you go to the bank, they roll out the red carpet for you? Because I don't have any shoes. Mary, if you don't stop that kind of talk, I won't take you to Europe with me. I'm sorry, Jack. Well, you should be. Anyway, Mary, let's not get into an argument now. After all, we're doing our last show, and soon we'll be on the high seas on our way to play the Palladium Theater in London. Which reminds me, Jack, before we go, you ought to have all your clothes cleaned. Why? That chipper going on is kind of big, and you won't be able to lean over the side and do your laundry. By the way, Don, what are you going to do this summer? Well, Mary, I'm going to be busy making a picture for 20th Century Fox. Oh, really? You know, I made a picture 20th of Don several years ago. I know, and by a strange coincidence, Jack, they gave me the same dressing room you used to have. Oh, oh, that's nice. That's a nice one, you know. I won't have to share it like you did. You won't? No, Xanac hasn't got that polo pony anymore. Oh, that's a shame. He was so friendly. He used to keep the flies off of both of us. Oh, hello, Phil. Hi, it's Jackson. Hello, everybody. Well, Phil, here we are at the end of another season. How do you feel? Thirsty. That's funny. He started the season that way. Oh, Phil, we were just talking about the summer. Do you have any plans? Sure do, Don. See, me and my boys are making a series of personal appearances. Oh, really? Where are you going? Well, we opened at Burning Stump, Wyoming. Then from there, we go to Stagnant Water, Nebraska. Then we go to Stilebelly, Arkansas. Then we wind up by playing for the debutante's ball in due, what did it? For heaven's sake, Phil, why do you pick such small town? My boys won't play no place where they're outnumbered. Oh, well, Phil, I hope your boys have more respect for your one-night stands than they have for my program. Half the time, they don't even show up. I haven't seen Fletcher, your trombone player, for a couple of weeks. That's funny you should mention old Fletcher. Just got a card from him this morning. He's an Alcatraz. Alcatraz? Well, don't blame him, Jackson. It was my fault for hiring a musical arranger who didn't understand my boys. What do you mean? Well, we were playing a new arrangement when Fletcher comes to a 12-bar rest. Uh-huh. Well, Fletcher ain't going to sit around doing nothing, so he goes out and robs a bank. Well, Phil, look it. I'm not interested in their extra curricular activities. You see, if they'll just... come in. I heard you're leaving for England right after your television show. Right as I dropped by now to give you these bon voyage gifts. Oh, well, thank you, Mr. Kitzel, but I'm not leaving till tomorrow night, and I'm going to Houston first for a benefit. Oh. Then I go right from there to England. Oh, how I envy you. England, the Thames, Waterloo Bridge, Walking Camp Palace, Barkley Square, the Tower of London. Mr. Kitzel, how do you know so much about England? I'm an Oxford man. You're an Oxford man? Anyone for cricket? I wish I had time. Well, Mr. Kitzel, would you like to sit down and watch the rest of the program? I'd love to, but I got to go to the airport to meet my wife. She's coming in from Kansas City. Oh, well, what airport? Well, this to me is a mystery. I don't know whether she's going to land at International or at Lockheed or in Pomona or in Pasadena. Well, don't you know where the plane is scheduled to land? Yes, but that doesn't make any difference. My wife is such a back-seat driver. Oh, you're kidding. He didn't kiss me. Listen, Mr. Bene, when that sweet chariot swings low, she'll point out the direction. Well, you ought to know, what was your wife doing in Kansas City? She was visiting our son at his army camp. Well, Mr. Kitzel, I never knew you had a grown son. Well, he's my wife's son by a former marriage. Oh, you're her second husband? By three. You mean your wife's been married twice before? Oh, this much, she tells me. I've got to be running along. Have a beautiful trip. Thank you. Goodbye, Mr. Kitzel. Goodbye, Mr. Kitzel. What did Mr. Kitzel give you? Just a moment. I'll open it. Oh, isn't that cute? What is it? It's a cake, and on top of it, it's spelled out Bon Voyage. And the O's are bagels. Now, kids, since this is our last program, I'd like to express to all of you my... Hmm. What's the matter, Jack? Dennis isn't here. Well, since he's going to London with you, maybe he stayed home to do his packing. Well, that doesn't make any difference. He's supposed to be here for the radio show. He has to sing a song. Well, Jack, maybe this is as good a time as any for the sportsman's quartet to come on. They have something to tell you. Tell me what? Well, you're going by train tomorrow night, and they want to take you down to the station. Oh, that's nice. Tell him about it, fellas. Really swell. I wish you were going to England with me. Hey, Jackson, I wish you'd do me a favor when you get to London. What is it, Phil? Hey, buy me one of them English tweets. I mean, you want me to buy you a suit? Yeah, but don't just take any old English suit. Be sure to pick a deli. Jackson, the Republicans may like Ike, but I like me. Well, do me a favor and sit down with her. It's a real cute joke. What are you so grumpy about? Because here we are trying to do our last program, and Dennis has to be late. Well, why don't you call his house and see what's keeping him? I will. Well, what is it, guys? I wonder what the heel of fortune wants. Yes, sir, I'll see if I can get him. He wants I should try to find Dennis Day for him. He must be lost again. Well, what do you mean again? Does he get lost often? I'll say. His family put a tag on his lapel saying, if found, forget it. Don't blame them. He is kind of dumb. I remember the time I had a date with him. You went out with Dennis Day? Uh-huh. He took me to a movie, and when we reached the box office, he asked me whether I'd rather sit in the balcony or downstairs. Uh-huh. I was feeling kind of romantic, so I said the balcony. Ah. And did he buy seats in the balcony? For me, yes. He sat downstairs. I wouldn't have had any of his popcorn. It's funny. Well, what are you complaining about? The other day, you said Jack Denny took you to see a wonderful movie, Spectacle. Some movie, Spectacle. We drove up to the top of the Hollywood Hills and watched Warner Brothers burn. Since me, it was crovatics. To Benny, but his house doesn't answer. Okay, I'll try later. What happened, Jack? He's not at home. I can't understand it. You think Dennis would be here on our last... Oh, that must be him now. Come in. Mr. Benny. Yes? Mr. Benny, my name is Lois Wagner. I'm president of the Jack Benny fan club. For the joy you have brought into our homes, we wish to present you with a gift which we hope you will cherish and keep as a memento of our appreciation. Well, I... Each Sunday, all of us wait in anticipation for your programs, and it was not without deep thought and much deliberation that we finally selected the gift we thought most suitable to express our sincere feelings. Well, I... We trust that in the years to come, we travel from the sunkish shores of California to the rock-bond coast of Maine that you will always carry this gift with you as a constant reminder of the glorious hours of pleasure you have given to members of our organization. Oh, I will. I will. What are you going to give me? Nothing. I just love to make speeches. I can't understand. I listen to the radio all the time, and mine is the only program that things like this happen. Not once have I heard that on Stella Dallas. You can tune in on any of... Oh, gee, Mr. Benny, am I late? Late. I'll say you're late, Dennis. Where were you? Where were you? Oh, I was home packing. Well, I called you. Didn't you hear the phone ring? Yeah. Then why didn't you answer it? I already had it locked in the trunk. Dennis, you're taking your telephone to England? Yeah, while I'm over there, I want to talk to my friends in Hollywood. It'll only be a local call. That's idiotic. You're right. What do you mean I'm right? That's my number. Idiotic 70245. The phone company gave me a special number. Look, Dennis... It's unlisted. Now stop! Didn't you tell me yesterday this being the last program of the season, you were going to sing a special arrangement of love and bloom and dedicated to me? Yes, sir. We're very anxious to hear it, so let's have it. Oh, Mr. Benny, I'd like to ask you something first. What? Well, when we get to England, some friends of mine want to meet me, and does the Queen Elizabeth Dock at Southampton or Liverpool? Well, I... Gee, that's funny. I didn't find out. I think it's Southampton. I thought it was Liverpool. No, no, Mary, I'm almost sure it's Southampton. Why don't you call the travel agency that arranges for your passage and find out? Hey, I think I will. Let's see, their number is... Wait a minute, I've got it right here. Press few seven, three, seven, six, one. Hello, Transatlantic Travel Agency. Oh, hello, this is Jack Benny. I'm going to England on the Queen Elizabeth, and I'd like to get some information, please. Just a moment. I'll connect you with Mr. Wilkins. He's in charge of that. Thank you. Mr. Wilkins is on the line. Go ahead, Mr. Benny. Uh, Mr. Wilkins, I'm sailing on the Queen Elizabeth. Does that ship dock at Southampton? I don't know. Does it go to Liverpool before it goes to Southampton? I don't know. Well, does it go to Southampton at all? I don't know. Where's the stupid aunt? Put the girl back on the phone. Which one was it? I don't know. Was she one of our operators or was it one of the telephone company's operators? I don't know. Now, look, that girl was there a minute ago. Let me talk to her. Okay. Hello. Hello, Miss, are you the girl I just spoke to? I don't know. Now, where were we? I don't know. I'm anxious to hear it, so let's have her. Okay. Oh, for heaven's sake, there's the phone again. Hello? Rochester, what did you call for? Well... What do you mean, confused? Well, when you leave on your trip, you're going to Houston first, aren't you? That's right. I'm going to appear June 5th at the benefit for the Texas Children's Hospital. Well, I thought it was okay for you to wear down the... Rochester's hot in Texas this time of year. Why should I wear those thick socks? In case you're stepping in the oil, you'll want to sump up as much as you can. Okay, that's a good idea. I'll be able to wear those socks in Europe, too. You know, Rochester, I'm going to Finland to participate in the Olympic Games. You are? Yes, I'm going to throw the discus. You're going to what, the who? I'm going to throw the discus. You see, throwing the discus is an ancient Roman sport that was popular during the days of Nero. I thought you were playing the fiddle then. Anyway, Rochester, finish all the packing because I won't be able to help you. I'm going to drop by the dentist's office and have my teeth fixed before I go to Texas. What are you laughing at? You're going to strike oil even if you have to bite your way down. Never mind. Just finish my packing. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, say, boss. Now what? What time will you be home for dinner? Well, I'll be a little later than usual because right after this radio show, I do my television show. Oh, yeah, that's right. Who's going to be artist? You are, don't you know? I know, and you know, but tell the people. Tell... Are you really going to Finland for the Olympic Games? That's right, Don. I'm going to Helsinki. Ooh, what he said. Look, Dennis, just sing. Yes, sir. Don, give him the introduction, will you? And now, ladies and gentlemen, since this is the last program of the season, in honor of Jack Benny, Dennis Day will sing a special arrangement of Love Inn. What is this, anyway? Come in. Excuse me, but could you tell me where I could find Studio C? Hello, Mr. Savoni. Huh? Mr. Savoni, don't you remember me? No. But you must, a couple of years ago, you stopped me on the street and asked me for a dime for a cup of coffee, and I gave you 50 cents. Holy smoke, is Jack Benny! Maybe you'd forgotten me. Oh, no, I tell all my friends you fraternity brothers, you're my pal. You fraternity brothers, Mr. Savoni, for a college man, what happened to you? I'm a poor little man. Who's going to the street? Mr. Savoni. Mr. Savoni. You're my pal, you can call me John. Well, John, I haven't seen you for a long time. What are you doing here at CBS? I'm down here for rehearsal. A rehearsal? Yeah. I sat my own show here next Sunday night. You mean you have your own radio program? How did you get it? Well, I'll tell you how it happened anyway. I was just walking down the street. I wasn't doing anything. I didn't feel like doing anything. Just walking down the street. I said to myself, what are you doing, John? I'm not. I wasn't. I was just walking down the street. All the sudden a man comes up to me and says, hey you, I say who? He say you. I say me, he say yeah. He said, how would you like to be on the radio? So I said, how much? He said $150. I said, I can't afford to pay that much. No, no, no, Mr. Savoni, they pay you. I know, they finally told me that. Then we started to declare about the price. Ooh, it made me so nervous. Was he getting a good deal? Yeah. We settled for $125. But he started out with $150. I'm no fool. I wasn't going to take his first offer. Mr. Savoni, I want to wish you, I want to wish you all the luck on your new radio program and I hope I'll see you real soon. Thank you very much, pal. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Lock the door, will you? Mary, take the receiver off the phone. We're not going to get any more interruptions. Dennis. Yes, sir? What do you mean to me? Yeah. Since people everywhere are tearing and comparing, seeing for themselves that luckies are made better to taste better. Try it yourself. From a newly opened pack, take a cigarette made by any other manufacturer and carefully remove the paper by tearing down the seam from end to end. Don't dig into or crumble the tobacco. Now do exactly the same with a lucky strike. Then compare. Some cigarettes are so loosely packed they fall apart. Some have air spaces, hot spots that burn harsh and dry. Others have too many broken bits of tobacco, giving you those annoying loose ends that spoil the taste. But just look at that lucky. A perfect cylinder of fine, mild tobacco. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Notice those long strands of fresh, clean, good tasting tobacco. Yes, luckies are made better to taste better. To give you far more enjoyment from every puff. So for your own real deep down smoking enjoyment, be happy, go lucky. Make your next carton lucky strike. Do you toot-toot-toot-toot-toot? Be happy, go lucky, go lucky strike today. Ladies and gentlemen, in just about one minute I'll be seeing you all on television and I hope you'll all be seeing me. As I mentioned before, this is the last radio program of the season, but we'll be with you again in the fall. At this point, on behalf of my sponsor, my entire cast, I want to thank you for being such loyal listeners. Good night, folks. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. The Jack Benny show was transcribed. This is the CBS Radio Network.