 Hi there, lovers! This is Hannah Witton. If you guys do not know, go and watch our other collab video which I'm going to link in the iBots above that we did hair a year ago. And also on my Instagram, I talked about her book and I spoke about it to you because I just absolutely loved it because you know, girl! Quick pause. Before we continue, I want to do a little crash course on sex and porn addiction. Now, many people are skeptical about calling these addictions because there is no substance attached, but they are known as behavioral or process addictions. So here is the big question. How do you know when you're addicted to sex or pornography? The answer, yes, can be complicated and to get a real assessment, you need to see a licensed psychologist or therapist. But in short, it's when engaging in sex no longer feels like a choice. You find yourself ritualistically doing it without concern for your own well-being or the well-being and comfort of others. And after the act, oftentimes you feel regret and self-loathing. Sex is a drive much like food, social contact and power. Now, drive exists in the risk and reward center of the brain, a place that encourages us to do just that. Most addictions can be linked to the risk and reward neurochemical chain. A sex or porn addict tends to have a circle relationship with the act. Number one, engage. Followed by guilt, promise to never do this again. Unwelcome stress in their life, then an obsessive urge to soothe by engaging again. Then a sense of desperation and finally a need to release and then repeat. The inability to control one's behavior is not an explanation, it's a cry for help. If someone could break the cycle without help, they would have done it already. So if someone you know has admitted to having a sex or porn addiction, they should seek help to gain control over their compulsion and of their life. Now, many people do prolong getting help for this addiction, but you have to ask yourself or the addict, what kind of bottom are you waiting to hit? A loss of self-respect, loss of relationships, criminal charges or loss of good health. Now below, I listed some links that I think are really helpful and are a great first step for anybody who wants to learn more. You're booked at a really amazing and respectful job of talking about is porn addiction in that entire world. So can you break down for people who don't know what is porn addiction? Sure. So this was actually something that was new to me when I was researching the book and I got someone who has arousal addiction to write a bit for the book about it. And say even that. What? Yeah, that was new to me. So porn addiction is basically being addicted to porn and needing porn in order to get aroused and basically getting in the way of your daily life. You wake up in the morning and it works the same way as any other addiction like it chemically gets into your brain. And arousal addiction is the need to be aroused all the time. So in the case of the example in my book, it was someone who has a penis who was writing about it. So the way that he said it was the need to be hard all the time. This is the age old question for any sexual educator. They constantly, I'm sure you get asked this all the time, especially by like an older reporter. They're like, well, kids today are just watching so much porn. So what have you noticed and what have you noticed about when it comes to youth and porn consumption? Part of me is really freaked out and then part of me is like not because I think adolescents like have always like will always kind of go through some of these cycles. But the thing that is different is the technology and the access to it because like my mom would say to me and like my dad would be like, oh yeah, like, you know, we were always trying to like reach for the playboys on the top shelf or like, you know, your friend would like have a Playboy magazine and you'd like go around and be like, oh my God, oh my God. But like now it's like it's on your phone like, you know, a lot of teenagers like it's just that. And the statistics are quite scary as well in terms of like how many young people will see porn by the time they're 16. But there's a lot of the like research that I've seen. It doesn't really differentiate between young people who have seen porn, which might be like not their choosing. Like it might have just been sent to them or shown to them and young people seeking out porn. Like I think there's definitely a difference there. But I haven't really seen much research about that. So do you think it's time to be afraid or is it time to be like, okay, well sex is becoming a more normal part of our lives. We're more exposed to it and there's actually something positive about that. I think it's a time to educate. And I think a lot of people are scared about how much like porn is accessible to young people. Parents are scared if, you know, young people are going to be seeing these images, whether they're seeking them out or not. How do we then best educate them and give them the tools in order to see those things and be critical about them, enjoy them if that's like what they're there for. But also like let them have a good healthy relationship to their own personal sexuality and then their relationships with others and, you know, educate about things like porn and arousal addiction and how actually they can affect things like your, you know, erectile dysfunction and like all of your mental health and your relationships and all of these things. And how much dopamine is a release while you're actually having the act because of the fact that you're desensitized in many ways. Exactly. The desensitization to things. It's like you with a lot of most cases of porn addiction. It's the fact that it's like you watch so much porn that you become desensitized to it and then it's only like the more hard hardcore stuff that can get you off. And then you find that in your actual relationships and in your sex life like your partner can't get you off. You can't get yourself off without all of this extra like stimulus that is really unhelpful. So, yeah, so basically I try and avoid watching any mainstream free porn, anything that is exploitative. So do you have a subscription service? Yes, so I pay for my porn. Oh wow, okay. School me on the ways. Well, so Erica, like I watch a lot of her films so she has a site called X Confessions and one of the beautiful things about it that I love is the fact that people submit their confessions that are either like things that have happened or fantasies that they have and then she'll pick them and make a film based off of it. So when I'm watching these films I'm like this wasn't some random porn producer-director's creepy fantasy. This is like real people who have submitted their own fantasies and she's gone I'm gonna bring that to life. Can I ask you a question? I'll give mine actually to you. What is one of your fantasies during sex? Yeah. What's one of your like fantasies that you're like? Because I read this. Have you read What Women Want by Daniel Berger? Yeah, okay, yeah. So yeah, good. But what is one of your fantasies? I'll start with mine. I might edit this out. I have a fantasy. I love hearing about people's specific fantasies because they're so interesting. Fantasy, I found really interesting because I feel that there's a taboo around like, oh wait, you're not like fully in the moment when you're having sex that you think about other things. It's like, yeah. And I also enjoy like watching porn together as well. That's like a big thing for me too. And then when it comes to watching porn together, if your partner picks something that you find offensive, is that the right, when do you bring that up? I'm the one that picks what we watch. Okay. He doesn't care. I'm like, it's like movie night. It's like, let's watch this short film. People have a lot of discomfort with their partners, porn habits, or even the fact that they even watch porn at all. Yeah. How do you suggest somebody broach that conversation in a way that doesn't shame? I think it's about, you've got to recognize where both people come from. Like neither person is wrong. First of all, like if you feel isolated and if you feel unwanted because your partner watches porn, then that's valid. But also the fact that your partner's feelings towards you don't change because they're watching porn. That's also valid. So it's about really trying to see it from the other person's perspective and maybe compromising on it or maybe changing your view or the other person changing their view. Like you can't control your partner's behavior and everybody in the relationship is entitled to their own personal sex life and their own private sex life. And because if you are a non-porn consumer and you just hear the headlines, your opinions are going to be all negative. Yes. And I think that that's- And you're going to think like, oh my God, my partner's a pervert. I'm not good enough. Like, you know, they like this kind of person and I don't look like the kind of people that they're watching in porn. I think that that is definitely something that you might feel. But that's not the case. Like, talk to your partner about their fantasies and like what kind of porn do they watch. You might be surprised. Maybe you can watch it with them. I will say like as an ode to Lindsey who's not here, Dr. Lindsey Doe of Staying Curious, I do feel like a common theme throughout your book was that was like you never attempted to tell someone else's story. Hannah's book is called Doing It and it is specifically that it is an all-inclusive guide. I think whether you are a beginner, intermediate or just somebody who has a passion for what sex said, an amazing place to start, begin or to continue your journey on. And it's available right now. Yes, you can get it in the UK in shops but if you are anywhere else then the book depository do free worldwide shipping.