 So towards the end of my last pregnancy I was shooting an episode of lovers and friends with a guest and my brother-in-law Cray who works for us came around to tell me a couple of notes and one of the notes was oh that mirror that you ordered is going to be delivered today I said all right thank you he said when it gets delivered I know it goes in your bedroom where you want me to put it do you want me to put it over here or by the bed and then he made some joke the guest laughed he laughed they moved on but I got deeply humiliated I felt really embarrassed I felt really awkward and I thought to myself save this feeling for later and reflect on it and so later when I reflected on like why did that bother me so much I realized that that was the first time in my life that I felt like people were talking about my sexuality or the prospect of me having sex in a way that you would talk to grandparents like oh in case you guys want to get freaky later knowing that they're probably going to be asleep by 6 p.m. and not that that was Cray's intention or that that's what he was saying but the real truth underneath that feeling was that I didn't feel sexual I didn't feel sexy so the thought of me having sex made me feel awkward and the thought of other people picturing me having sex made me feel deeply humiliated and I still am battling with that to this day this video is sponsored by audible audible is the best place for audio entertainment whether you are into audiobooks podcasts guided meditations or you love audible originals like me audible allows you to get all of that and store it in one convenient place as an audible member you can choose one title each month from their entire catalog including bestsellers and new releases now here is the best part if you have yet to try audible yet you can become a member for free for 30 days on their 30 day free trial which will allow you to get one audiobook that you keep forever plus access to their incredible catalog with so many things to listen to so here's what you're going to do go to audible.com slash shan booty to sign up for 30 days for free or if you prefer to text no problem you can text the word shan booty to the phone number 500 500 one more game to try audible for free for 30 days and to keep one title forever from trying it for free for 30 days all you gotta do is go to audible.com slash shan booty or text the word shan booty to the number 500 500 at the end of this video I have some very very personal recommendations on what title you can choose as your freebie hi there lovers and friends so in full disclosure going into motherhood I was well aware that there was going to be a struggle to preserve my sexuality to fight for my right to feel and be a sexual person so this thing happens when you become a mom where the more aware of and enjoy of your sexual self the less you are perceived of being aware of and skilled at being a parent and then after having my first daughter Ryu I was really relieved to find that my feelings about my sexual self stayed intact but I was batting against the world's opinion of my sex appeal studies show that people who do feel good and sexy and attracted to themselves not only experience more sexual desire not only respond more to erotic materials because they have an easier time picturing themselves as the leading person they also experience more sexual pleasure when we don't feel good about our bodies we don't get to feel the optimal benefits of our bodies which is why I am massively interested around the politics of the beauty standard and the sexiness standard and while I was pregnant I became even more fixated on this because all of a sudden I didn't qualify whatsoever but this time around things are different and there's a couple of differences one throughout this pregnancy I had an extreme loss of sex drive that I allowed myself to really lean into and relax into and two there's less opportunities to turn mom mode off and it's very difficult to see yourself through a sexual lens when you spend 90 percent of your day like this and I'm going to be honest with everyone here for the first time in my relationship for sure and probably for the first time since I began this youtube channel which for me was sharing my confidence and my knowledge and my expertise as a sexual educator because I myself felt very confident in myself as a sexual being I feel like an outsider of sex and so when I'm engaging in the act whether it be through solo play or through partnered play I have a deep sense of imposter syndrome like I don't believe myself even though my body is responding in the same ways and in some ways better ways I experienced a lot more sensation after having my first child through sex and now even more so I feel like my body has more nerve endings it fires better it feels good it feels great but I don't feel it and that is my truth and so in reflecting on why this is I came back to my favorite book which I reference all the time in a chapter that I think everyone should read which is called love is political and there's a concept in here that's called spectatoring this I want to read imagine two people involved in an encounter one of whom is able to immerse fully in a pleasurable sexual sensations and another who is preoccupied with the appearance of their body to the outside world researchers refer to this as spectatoring people who struggle with spectatoring are usually people who do not fit inside the mold of people who should be having sex and that mold that is reinforced constantly to us is young single thin able-bodied attractive childless individuals and so when we don't find ourselves ticking a lot of those boxes we can tend to not view ourselves through a societal sexual gaze and unfortunately that can also impact the way that you personally see yourself and I realize that I stopped qualifying myself as sexual because I'm different and unfortunately I have registered those differences as different bad rather than different good or different I'm in control and I can change that so I came up with a list of things that I really wanted to work on in order to reconnect myself to my sexual potential and I was tempted to say just now reconnect myself to my sexual self but I can't reconnect to something that I don't know yet and I choose to be excited about creativity even though the process of getting it right is not always that pretty so here are the things that I'm currently engaging in that I think might be helpful for anyone whether you feel confident in your sexual self and just want to invite more or like me you're redefining what that even means the first thing is kind of a mix it's half fake it till you make it and half make it so you don't have to fake it and fake it till you make it essentially means that if you're struggling right now to put yourself in an erotic mindset invite more erotic materials in your life that help you get there and for me that has been audio entertainment watching porn or watching visual things again if I am already self-conscious about the way that I view myself viewing things isn't really helpful it's my imagination it's that potential thing that really gets me there and on top of that is giving me some pretty fire tips for things to try and phrases to say that get me in a sexy mood now the other half of that is make it so you don't have to fake it something that I've never really been attracted to before is the spiritual sexual world and that is because I think the physical world or the literal world worked so well for me so the idea of going into the unknown felt a little hokey to be honest and I've tried I have gone to chakra classes I have done breathwork and oftentimes my engagement in these things just feels it feels like imposter syndrome um probably because it is because I'm not mentally on those frequencies but I had a guest on the lovers and friends podcast Taneriel and she talked about sacred sexuality and everything she said was like yes yes yes I had just learned about pleasure mapping from my somatic healer and you literally touch your body from like your head to your toes but you do it very slowly so you start to just trace things but the intention is to pay attention to things you may have never noticed before for me it was like the back of my knees which I was like oh and you're kind of saying to yourself I love you over and over again in your mind so I'm pretty excited about that I have traditionally been someone who's been pretty proud of not being in the woo woo sex world but now I'm excited to give it a try and I definitely and of course will be taking all of you on that journey and as somebody who is not an expert but someone who is an explorer of it let's see where we go another effort that I'm joyfully inviting into my world as I attempt to redefine and reconnect with my righteous sexual self is fixing my ick the things about me that make me turned off of me and as you're experiencing the world this is your POV right your POV of yourself is you know you could do it right now you could see what you can look down and see and a big part of that is hands and feet and I rarely have my nails done and my feet are atrocious the dry heels especially and how those dry heels impact my sex life because when I hear them against the sheets oh my gosh nonetheless this is an area that I'm definitely going to be inviting expertise I might also do an episode about that so many ideas for videos but also too please in the comment section if you know anything it's going to be like an SOS save my feet manageable kit for someone like myself who obviously has just neglected them for so so long and has a hard time including foot care in my daily care that suggestion I'm looking for please and lastly I really brainstormed things I can do today no questions asked to make an impact in the sex that I'm going to have tonight so there's not this like having to work towards or having to fix these are things I can just implement instantly and I love lists of three because beyond that it just feels too unapproachable just too overwhelming so the three things that I identified that would be really helpful for me are one to intentionally slow down and everything in life but definitely during sex number two to focus on sound a little more intentionally I know what my triggers are would sound I know what sounds take me out of the experience I know what sounds I have to invite in even though they're not that sexy but they're just part of my life and the very last thing is I'm not going to talk to my partner about this and I'll explain each of those tips a little bit more in full so first and foremost is slowing down this is just a universal tip if you ever feel awkward doing anything except for running going slower is going to make it better more mindful less chaotic looking and less chance of very awkward things happening and this can be a challenge for me because when you're embarrassed you move a little quicker you talk more quickly when you're embarrassed and so I have to really be like we're going to move snail pace slow when we're changing positions when we're getting things out when we're taking things off when we're putting things on slow and steady sounds okay after you have a baby you're very juicy immediately after you're super juicy like the discharges it's just a period for a very very long time but then even after that you're just very very schmutzy and this sounds like a positive thing but it's noisy and because you've got air and liquid happening with pressure lots of fart fart squishy sounds happen that are a little bit embarrassing and this has happened a few times we're mentally again it makes me feel like I'm not qualified for the situation I feel like I shouldn't be doing this I'm the kind of person should be doing this like these embarrassing things wouldn't happen to a sexual person and I found that playing music or having something on so that it just eases the sound a little bit doesn't have to be overwhelming has been beneficial to me and so usually I'm the kind of person who doesn't like music in the bedroom because I want to focus and be very sensually engaged but now I can stand to turn the volume down on some of those senses and so I'm going to turn the volume up on music and I'm saying yes to that for myself in terms of inviting sounds in we have to have sex with the baby monitor and hearing a baby cry midway through could be a little awkward or hearing the move but I find that if I have the music on and we're being sexual and we've removed ourselves so that the kids can't hear us I get mentally preoccupied that something is happening with them if I don't again have access to hearing them that easily so bringing a baby monitor in just eases the time and I have to embrace this is where I'm at like I'm not a single person having sex I am a mom of two with my husband having an incredible experience in exchange together but I can't neglect the other side of me while I'm doing that everything has to come in the bedroom in the least awkward way possible and the last intentional thing that I'm doing to give myself a better shot at having better sex today even though I'm in the practice of doing more long-term things my short-term fix is going to be not telling my partner and that is surprising for me because I'm queen overshare so at this point I am nine months pregnant um and so we're at the end of the line which means more sex but it does definitely mean more uncomfortable sex I'm uncomfortable right now to be honest with you I'm uncomfortable literally all of the time I could be wrong but I just personally feel like the insecurities that I'm experiencing during this time could be contagious and as a result counterproductive to what I need to get past this and to get past this stage that I'm in because I do want to get past it I think the best way is through not around and going through it means still engaging and still showing up and that can be hard to do if I plan a seat of doubt in my partner's mind that I'm not really present or I'm not really enjoying it um which are not true it's just that they're not true to the capacity and potential that I know is possible for me but I also feel like the ways that I'm going to fix that right now feel like they're best in my control and so this is a journey that I'm going to go on publicly um but privately because I also know that Jerry doesn't watch my youtube videos unless he edits them and I'm not going to have him edit this video now don't get me wrong in hindsight once I am orbiting and orgasming from the 15th dimension through my eighth chakra I will probably let him in on the secret of hey this is how I came to be I was in a low place and now I've ascended but while I'm here in this uncertain place let's just let's just keep it here before I get out of here I want to say thank you to the sponsor this video audible and you just might want to say thank you to them too if you take them up on their incredible free trial offer which allows you to become an audible member for three days for 399 no cost at all and through this you get to keep one audiobook of your choosing forever plus for the month you get access to their audible originals catalog so thousands of hours of listening best of all you can actually download things to your audible library so you can stream and listen to them on any device anywhere that you go and I've been going some places with the help of audible and I'm going to suggest if you're in the same space of me of life that you may want to come along so here's some audiobook recommendations from my very very personal list to you sex explicit erotic stories by Lauren Rose and orgasmic erotica for women and of course as always I must suggest my audiobook the game of desire which is read by me so lots of great reasons to give this a try and speaking of giving things a try I'm really excited to read the comment section to hear your suggestions because I am open wide open that's the phase I'm in right now