 Section 16 The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Sinner Written by himself by James Og This is a LibreBox recording. All LibreBox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibreBox.org. But the most singular instance of this wonderful man's power over my mind was that he had as complete influence over me by night as by day. All my dreams corresponded exactly with his suggestions. And when he was absent from me, still his arguments sunk deeper in my heart than even when he was present. I dreamed that night of a great triumph obtained, and though the whole scene was but dimly and confusedly defined in my vision, yet the overflow and death of Mr. Blanchard was the first step by which I attained the eminent station I occupied. Thus, by dreaming of the event by night and discoursing of it by day, it soon became so familiar to my mind that I almost conceived it as done. It was resolved on, which was the first and greatest victory gained. For there was no difficulty in finding opportunities and now of cutting off a man who, every good day, was to be found walking by himself in private grounds. I went and heard him preach for two days, and in fact I held his tenants scarcely short of blasphemy. They were such as I had never heard before, and his congregation, which was numerous, were turning up their ears and drinking in his doctrines with the utmost delight. For oh, they suited their carnal natures and self-sufficiency to a hair. He was actually holding it forth as a fact that it was every man's own blame if he was not saved. What horrible misconstruction! And then he was alleging and trying to prove from nature in reason that no man ever was guilty of a sinful action who might not have declined it had he so chosen. He did controvertist, thought I to myself in a hundred times. Shall not the sword of the Lord be moved from its place of peace for such presumptuous absurd testimonies as these? When I began to tell the Prince about these false doctrines, to my astonishment I found that he had been in the church himself, and had every argument that the Old Divine had used verbatim. And he remarked on them with great concern that these were not the tenants that corresponded with his views in society, and that he had agents in every city and every land exerting their powers to put them down. I asked, with great simplicity, are all your subjects Christians, Prince? All my European subjects are, or deem themselves so, return ye? And they are the most faithful and true subjects I have. Who could doubt, after this, that he was the Tsar of Russia? I have nevertheless had reasons to doubt of his identity since that period, and which of my conjectures is right I believe the God of Heaven only knows. For I do not. I shall go on to write such things as I remember, and if anyone shall ever take the trouble to read over these confessions, such a one will judge for himself. It will be observed that, since ever I fell in with this extraordinary person, I have written about him only, and I must continue to do so to the end of this memoir. As I have performed no great or interesting action in which he had not a principal share, he came to me one day and said, We must not linger thus in executing what we have resolved on. We have much before our hands to perform for the benefit of mankind, both civil as well as religious. Let us do what we have to do here, and then we must wend our way to other cities and perhaps to other countries. Mr. Blanchard is to hold forth in the high church of Paisley on Sunday next, on some particularly great occasion. This must be defeated. He must not go there. As he will be busy arranging his discourses, we may expect him to be walking by himself in Finniston Dell, the greater part of Friday and Saturday. Let us go and cut him off. What is the life of a man more than the life of a lamb or any guiltless animal? It is not half so much, especially when we consider the immensity of the mischief this old fellow is working among our fellow creatures. Can there be any doubt that it is the duty of one consecrated to God to cut off such a mildew? I fear me, great sovereign, said I, that your ideas of retribution are too sanguine and too arbitrary for the laws of this country. I dispute not that your motives are great and high, but have you debated the consequences and settled the result? I have, returned he, and hold myself amendable for the action to the laws of God and of equity, as to the enactments of men I despise them. Fain would I see the weapon of the Lord of Hosts begin the work of vengeance that awaits it to do. I could not help thinking that I perceived a little derision of continence on his face as he said this. Nevertheless I sunk dumb before such a man, aroused myself to the task, seeing he would not have it deferred. I approved of it in theory, but my spirit stood aloof from the practice. I saw and was convinced that the elect of God would be happier and purer were the wicked and unbelievers all cut off from troubling and misleading them. But if it had not been the instigations of this illustrious stranger, I should never have presumed to begin so great a work myself. Yet, though he often aroused my zeal to the highest pitch, still my heart at times shrunk from the shedding of life blood, and it was only at the earnest and unceasing instigations of my enlightened and voluntary patron that I at length put my hand to the conclusive work. After I said all that I could say and all I had been overborn, I remember my actions and words as well as it had been yesterday. I turned round hesitatingly and looked up to heaven for direction. But there was a dimness come over my eyes that I could not see. The appearance was as if there had been a veil drawn over me. So nigh that I put up my hand to feel it. And then Gilmartin, as this great sovereign was pleased to have himself called, frowned and asked me what I was grasping at. I knew not what to say, but answered with fear and shame. I have no weapons, not one. Know I wear any or to be found. The God whom thou serviced will provide these, said he, if thou provost worthy of the trust committed to thee. I looked again up into the cloudy veil that covered us and thought I beheld golden weapons of every description let down in it, but all with their points towards me. I kneeled and was going to stretch up my hand to take one. Then my patron seized me, as I thought, by the clothes, and dragged me away with as much ease as I had been a lamb, saying, with a joyful and elevated voice, Come, my friend, let us depart. Thou art dreaming, thou art dreaming, Rouse up all the energies of thy exalted mind, For thou art an highly favored one, And doubt thou not that he whom thou serviced will be ever at thy right and left hand to direct and assist thee. These words, but particularly the vision I had seen of the golden weapons descending out of heaven, inflamed my zeal to that height that I was as one beside himself, which my parents perceived that night, and made some motions towards confining me to my room. I joined in the family prayers, and then I afterward sung a solemn and prayed by myself, and I had good reasons for believing that the small oblation of praise and prayer was not turned to sin. But there are strange things and unaccountable agencies in nature. The only who dwells between the cherubin can unriddle them, and to him the honor must redound forever, amen. I felt greatly strengthened and encouraged that night, and the next morning I ran to meet my companion, out of whose eye I had now no life. He rejoiced at seeing me so forward in the great work of reformation by blood, and said many things to raise my hopes of future fame and glory. And then, producing two pistols of pure beaten gold, he held them out and proffered me the choice of one, saying, See what thy master hath provided thee? I took one of them eagerly, for I perceived at once that they were two of the very weapons that were let down from heaven in the cloudy veil, the dim tapestry of the firmament. And I said to myself, Surely this is the will of the Lord. The little splendid and enchanting peace was so perfect, so complete, and so ready for executing the will of the donor, that I now longed to use it in his service. I loaded it with my own hand, as Gil-Martin did the other, and we took our stations behind a bush of hathorn and bramble on the verge of the wood, and almost close to the walk. My patron was so acute in all his calculations that he never mistook an event. We had not taken our stand above a minute and a half till old Mr. Blanchard appeared, coming slowly on the path. When we saw this, we cowered down and leaned each of us a knee upon the ground, pointing the pistols through the bush, with an aim so steady that it was impossible to miss our victim. He came deliberately on, pausing at times so long that we dreaded he was going to turn. Gil-Martin dreaded it, and I said I did, but wished in my heart that he might. He, however, came onward, and I will never forget the manner in which he came. No, I don't believe I ever can forget it, either in the narrow bounds of time or the ages of eternity. He was a broadly, ill-shaped man, of a rude exterior, and a little bent with age. His hands were clasped behind his back and below his coat, and he walked with a slow swinging air that was very peculiar. When he paused and looked abroad on nature, the act was highly impressive. He seemed conscious of being all alone, and conversant only with God in the elements of his creation. Never was there such a picture of human inadvertency. A man approaching step by step to the one that was to hurl him out of one existence into another with as much ease and indifference as the ox goeth to the stall. Hittiest vision, wilt thou not be gone for my mental sight? If not, let me bear with thee as I can. When he came straight opposite to the muzzles of our pieces, Gilmartin called out, hey, with a short, quick sound. The old man, without starting, turned his face and breast towards us, and looked into the wood, but looked over our heads. Now, whispered my companion, and fired, but my hand refused the office, for I was not at that moment sure about becoming an assassin in the cause of Christ and his church. I thought I heard a sweet voice behind me, whispering to me to beware, and I was going to look around when my companion exclaimed, coward, we are ruined. I had no time for an alternative. Gilmartin's ball had not taken effect, which was altogether wonderful, as the old man's breast was within a few yards of him. Hello, cried Blanchard. What was that for, you dog? And with that he came forward to look over the bush. I hesitated, as I said, and attempted to look behind me, but there was no time. The next step discovered two assassins lying in covert, waiting for blood. Coward, we are ruined, cried my indignant friend, and that moment my peace was discharged. The effect was as might have been expected. The old man first stumbled to one side, and then fell on his back. We kept our places, and I perceived my companion's eyes gleaming with an unnatural joy. The wounded man raised himself from the bank to a sitting posture, and I beheld his eyes swimming. He, however, appeared sensible, for we heard him saying in a low and rattling voice, Alas! Alas! Whom have I offended, that they should have been driven to an act like this? Come forth, and show yourselves, that I may either forgive you before I die, or curse you in the name of the Lord. He then fell agroping with both hands on the ground, as a feeling for something he had lost manifestly in the agonies of death. With a solemn and interrupted prayer for forgiveness, he breathed his last. I had become rigid as a statue, whereas my associate appeared to be elevated above measure. Arise, thou faint-hearted one, and let us be going, said he. Thou hast done well for once, but wherefore hesitate in such a cause? This is but a small beginning of so great a work as that of purging the Christian world. But the first victim is a worthy one, and more of such lights must be extinguished immediately. We touched not our victim nor anything pertaining to him, for fear of staining our hands with his blood, and the firing having brought three men within view, who were hasting towards the spot. My undaunted companion took both the pistols and went forward as with intent to meet them, bidding me shift for myself. I ran off in a contrary direction, till I came to the foot of the pyramid psych, and then, running up the hollow of that, I appeared on the top of the bank as if I had been another man brought in view by hearing the shots in such a place. I had a full view of a part of what passed, though not of all. I saw my companion going straight to meet the men, apparently with a pistol in every hand, waving in a careless manner. They seemed not quite clear of meeting with him, and so he went straight on and passed between them. They looked after him and came onwards, but when they came to the old man lying stretched in his blood, then they turned and pursued my companion, though not so quickly as they might have done, and I understand that from the first they saw no more of him. Great was the confusion that day in Glasgow. The most popular of all their preachers of morality was, what they called, murdered in cold blood, and a strict and extensive search was made for the assassin. Neither of the accomplices was found, however. That is certain, nor was either of them so much as suspected, but another man was apprehended under circumstances that warranted suspicion. This was one of the things that I witnessed in my life, which I never understood, and it was surely one of my patron's most dexterous tricks, for I must still say what I have thought from the beginning, that like him there never was a man created. The young man who was taken up was a preacher, and it was proved that he had purchased firearms in town and gone out with them that morning. But the far greatest mystery of the whole was that two of the men out of three who met my companion swore that that unfortunate preacher was the man whom they met with a pistol in each hand, fresh from the death of the old divine. The poor fellow made a confused speech himself, which there is not the least doubt was quite true, but it was laughed to scorn, and an expression of horror ran through both the hearers and jury. I heard the whole trial, and so did Gil Martin, but we left the journeyman preacher to his fate, and from that time forth I have had no faith in the justice of criminal trials. If once a man is prejudiced on one side, he will swear anything in support of such prejudice. I tried to expostulate with my mysterious friend on the horrid injustice of suffering this young man to die for our act. But the prince exalted in it more than the other, and said the latter was the most dangerous man of the two. End of section 16 section 17 The private memoirs and confessions of a sinner written by himself by James Hogg. This is a leverbox recording. All leverbox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit leverbox.org. The alarm in and about Glasgow was prodigious. The country being divided into two political parties, the court and the country party. The former held meetings, issued proclamations, and offered rewards, ascribing all to the violence of party spirit, and deprecating the infernal measures of their opponents. I did not understand their political differences, but it was easy to see that the true gospel preachers joined all on one side, and the upholders of pure morality and a blameless life on the other, so that this division proved a test to us. And it was forthwith resolved that we too should pick out some of the leading men of this unsaintly and heterodox cabal, and cut them off one by one as occasions should suit. Now the ice being broke, I felt considerable zeal in our great work, but pretended much more. And we might soon have kidnapped them all through the ingenuity of my patron, had not our next attempt miscarried by some awkwardness or mistake of mine. The consequence was that he was discovered fairly and very nice-eased. I also was seen, and suspected so far that my reverend father, my mother, and myself were examined privately. I denied all knowledge of the matter, and they held it in such a ridiculous light, and their conviction of the complete groundlessness of the suspicion was so perfect that their testimony prevailed, and the affair was hushed. I was obliged, however, to walk circumspectly, and saw my companion, the Prince Barry Seldom, who was prowling about every day, quite unconcerned about his safety. He was every day a new man, however, and needed not to be alarmed at any danger. For such a facility had he in disguising himself that, if it had not been for a password which we had between us, for the purposes of recognition, I never could have known him myself. It so happened that my reverend father was called to Edinburgh about this time, to assist with his council in settling the national affairs. At my earnest request I was permitted to accompany him, at which both my associate and I rejoiced, as we were now about to move in a new and extensive field. All this time I never knew where my illustrious friend resided. He never once invited me to call on him at his lodgings, nor did he ever come to our house, which made me sometimes to suspect that, if any of our great efforts in the cause of true religion were discovered, he intended leaving me in the lurch. Consequently, when we met in Edinburgh, for we traveled not in company, I proposed to go with him to look for lodgings, telling him at the same time would a blessed religious family my reverend instructor and I were settled in. He said he rejoiced at it, but he made a rule of never lodging in any particular house, but took these daily or hourly as he found it convenient. And that he never was at a loss in any circumstance. When a mighty trouble you put yourself to, great sovereign, said I, and all it would appear for the purpose of seeing and knowing more and more of the human race. I never go but where I have some great purpose to serve, returned he, either in the advancement of my own power and dominion or enthroting my enemies. With all due deference to your great comprehension, my illustrious friend, said I, it strikes me that you can accomplish very little, either the one way or the other here, and the humble and private capacity you are pleased to occupy. It is your own innate modesty that prompts such a remark, said he. Do you think the gaining of view to my service is not an attainment worthy of being envied by the greatest potentate in Christendom? Before I had missed such a prize as the attainment of your services, I would have traveled over one half of the habitable globe. I bowed with great humility, but at the same time how could I but feel proud and highly flattered? He continued, Believe me, my dear friend, for such a prize I account no effort too high, for a man who is not only dedicated to the King of Heaven in the most solemn manner, soul, body, and spirit, but also chosen of him from the beginning, justified, sanctified, and received into a communion that never shall be broken, and from which no act of his shall ever remove him. The possession of such a man, I tell you, is worth kingdoms, because every deed that he performs, he does it with perfect safety to himself and honor to me. I bowed again, lifting my hat, and he went on. I am now going to put his courage in the cause he has espoused to a severe test, to a trial at which common nature would revolt, but he who is dedicated to be the sword of the Lord must raise himself above common humanity. You have a father and a brother according to the flesh. What do you know of them? I am sorry to say I know nothing good, said I. They are reprobates, castaways, beings devoted to the wicked one, and like him, workers of every species of inequity with greediness. They must both fall, said he, with a sigh and melancholy look. It is decreed in the couches above that they must both fall by your hand. The God of heaven forbid it, said I. They are enemies to Christ and his church that I know and believe, but they shall live and die in their inequity for me and reap their gird in when their time cometh. There my hand shall not strike. The feeling is natural and amiable, said he, but you must think again whether are the bonds of carnal nature or the bonds and vows of the Lord strongest. I will not reason with you on this head, mighty potentate, said I. For whenever I do so, it is but to be put down. I shall only express my determination not to take vengeance out of the Lord's hand in this instance. It availeth not. These are men that have the mark of the beast in their foreheads and right hands. They are lost beings themselves, but have no influence over others. Let them perish in their sins, for they shall not be meddled with by me. How preposterously you talk, my dear friend, said he. These people are your greatest enemies. They would rejoice to see you annihilated. And now that you have taken up the Lord's cause of being avenged on his enemies, wherefore spare those that are your own as well as his. Besides, you ought to consider what great advantages would be derived to the cause of righteousness and truth, where the estate and riches of that opulent house in your possession, rather than in that of such as oppose the truth and all manner of holiness. This was a portion of the consequence of following my illustrious advisor's summary mode of procedure that had never entered into my calculation. I disclaimed all idea of being influenced by it. However, I cannot but say that the desire of being enabled to do so much good by the possession of these bad man's riches made some impression on my heart, and I said I would consider of the matter. I did consider it, and that right seriously as well as frequently, and there was scarcely an hour in the day on which my resolves were not animated by my great friend, till at length I began to have a longing desire to kill my brother in particular. Should any man ever read this scroll, he will wonder at this confession, and deem it savage and unnatural. So it appeared to me at first, but a constant thinking of an invent changes every one of its features. I have done all for the best, and as I was prompted by one who knew right and wrong much better than I did, I had a desire to slay him, it is true, and such a desire too as a thirsty man has to drink. But at the same time, this longing desire was mingled with a certain terror, as if I had dreaded that the drink for which I longed was mixed with deadly poison. My mind was so much weakened, or rather softened about this time, that my faith began a little to give way, and I doubted most presumptuously of the least tangible of all Christian tenets, namely, of the infallibility of the elect. I hardly comprehended the great work I had begun, and doubted of my own infallibility, or that of any created being. But I was brought over again by the unweary diligence of my friend to repent of my backsliding, and view once more the superiority of the Almighty's counsels in its fullest latitude. Amen. I prayed very much in secret about this time, and that with great fervor of spirit, as well as humility, and my satisfaction at finding all my requests granted is not to be expressed. My illustrious friend still continuing to sound in my ears the imperious duty to which I was called, of making away with my sinful relations, and quoting many parallel actions out of the scriptures, and the writings of the Holy Fathers of the pleasure the Lord took in such as executed his vengeance on the wicked. I was obliged to acquiesce in his measures, though with certain limitations. It was not easy to answer his arguments, and yet I was afraid that he soon perceived a leaning to his will on my part. If the acts of Jewa in rooting out the whole house of his master were ordered and approved of by the Lord, said he, would it not have been more praiseworthy if one of Ahab's own sons had stood up for the cause of the God of Israel, and rooted out the sinners and their idols out of the land? It would certainly, said I, to our duty to God, all other duties must yield. Go thou then, and do likewise, said he, thou art called to a high vocation to cleanse the sanctuary of thy God in this thy native land by the shedding of blood. Go thou then, like a ruling energy, a master spirit of desolation in the dwellings of the wicked, and high shall be your reward both here and hereafter. My heart now panted with eagerness to look my brother in the face, on which my companion, who was never out of the way, conducted me to a small square in the suburbs of the city, where there were a number of young noblemen and gentlemen playing at a vain, idle, and sinful game, at which there was much of the language of the accursed going on. And among these blasphemers, he instantly pointed out my brother to me. I was fired with indignation at seeing him in such company, and so employed. And I placed myself close beside him to watch all his motions, listen to his words, and draw inferences from what I saw and heard. In what a sink of sin was he wallowing. I resolved to take him to task, and if he refused to be admonished, to inflict on him some caught in punishment. And knowing that my illustrious friend and director was looking on, I resolved to show some spirit. Accordingly, I waited until I heard him profane his maker's name three times, and then, my spiritual indignation being aroused above all restraint, I went up and kicked him. Yes, I went boldly up and struck him with my foot, and meant to have given him a more severe blow than it was my fortune to inflict. It had, however, the effect of rousing up his corrupt nature to quarreling in strife, instead of taking the chastisement of the Lord in humility and meekness. He ran, furiously against me in the collar that was always inspired by the wicked one, but I overthrew him by reason of impeding the natural and rapid progress of his unholy feet running to destruction. I also fell slightly, but his fall proved a severe one. He arose in wrath and struck me with the maul which he held in his hand until my blood flowed copiously, and from that moment I vowed his destruction in my heart. But I chanced to have no weapon at that time, nor any means of inflicting due punishment on the catech, which would not have been returned double on my head by him and his graceless associates. I mixed among them at the suggestion of my friend, and following them to their den of eluptuousness and sin, I strove to be admitted among them, in hopes of finding some means of accomplishing my great purpose, while I found myself moved by the spirit within me so to do. But I was not only debarred, but by the machinations of my wicked brother and his associates cast into prison. I was not sorry at being thus honored to suffer in the cause of righteousness and at the hands of sinful men, and as soon as I was alone I betook myself to prayer, deprecating the long suffering of God toward such horrid sinners. My jailer came to me and insulted me. He was a rude, unprincipled fellow, partaking of those loose, incarnal manners of the age. But I remembered of having read, in the cloud of witnesses, of such men formally having been converted by the imprisoned saints. So I set myself, with all my heart, to bring about this man's repentance and reformation. Fatadel or Yeulin impraying that gate for man, said he, coming angrily in. I thought the days of praying prisoners had been o'er. Ye hath roweth in them inths, and they were the poorest and the blackest bargains that ever poor jailer saw. Gee up your crooning, or I'll pit you to an in by place, where ye shall get plenty o' it. Friend, said I, I am making my appeal at the bar, where all human actions are seen and judged, and where ye shall not be forgot, sinful as you are. Go in peace, and let me be. Hey ye nay, buddy, near hand, aim. To make your appeal to man, said he. Because, and ye hey nay, I dread you and me, may be uncoo wheel acquainted of by and by. I then opened up the mysteries of religion to him in a clear and perspicuous manner, but particularly the great doctrine of the election of grace, and then I added, now friend, you must tell me if you pertain to this chosen number. It is in every man's power to ascertain this, and it is every man's duty to do it. And fat the better why ye be for the kinning of this man, said he. Because, if you are one of my brethren, I will take you into sweet communion in fellowship, returned I. But, if you belong to the unregenerated, I have a commission to slay you. The dale ye hey, callant, said he, gaping and laughing, and pray now, far was it, that gay ye Sikhan a bra commission. My commission is sealed by the signet above, said I, and that I will let you and all sinners know. I am dedicated to it by the most solemn vows and engagements. I am the sword of the Lord, and famine and pestilence are my sisters. Woe then to the wicked of this land, for they must fall down dead together, that the church may be purified. Oh, fool, fool! I see how it is, said he. Yours is a very bra commission, but you will have the small opportunity of carrying it through here. Take my advising, and write a bit of a letter to your friends, and I will send it, for this is no place for such a great man. If you cannot steady your hand to write, as I see you have been at your great work, a word of a mouth may do. For I do assure you this is not the place at all, of any in the world, for your operations. The man apparently thought I was deranged in my intellect. He could not swallow such great truths at the first morsel. So I took his advice, and sent a line to my Reverend Father, who was not long in coming, and great was the jailer's wonderment when he saw all the great Christian noblemen of the land sign my bond of freedom. My Reverend Father took this matter greatly to heart, and bestowed himself in the good cause till the transgressors were ashamed to show their faces. My illustrious companion was not idle. I wondered that he came not to me in prison, nor at my release. But he was better employed in stirring up the just to the execution of God's decrees. And he succeeded so well that my brother and all his associates had nearly fallen victims to their wrath. But many were wounded, bruised and imprisoned, and much commotion prevailed in the city. For my part, I was greatly strengthened in my resolution by the Anthemus of my Reverend Father, who privately, that is in a family capacity, in his prayers, gave up my father and brother according to the flesh to Satan, making it plain to all my senses of perception that they were being given up of God to be devoured by fiends of men at their will and pleasure, and that whosoever should slay them would do God good service. End of section 17, section 18, The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Sinner, written by himself by James Hogg. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The next morning, my illustrious friend met me at an early hour, and he was greatly overjoyed at hearing my sentiments now chime so much in unison with his own. I said, I longed for the day and the hour that I might look my brother in the face at Gilgau, and visit on him the inequity of his father and himself. For that I was now strengthened and prepared for the deed. I have been watching the steps and movements of the profligate one, said he, and lo, I will take you straight to his presence. Let your heart be as the heart of the lion and your arms strong as the shekels of brass, and swift to avenge as the bolt that descendeth from heaven, for the blood of the just and the good hath long flowed in Scotland. But already is the day of their avengement begun. The hero is at length a risen who shall send all such as bare enmity to the true church, or trust in works of their own, to toff it. Thus encouraged, I followed my friend, who led me directly to the same court in which I had chastised the miscreant on the foregoing day, and behold, there was the same group again assembled. They eyed me with terror in their looks, as I walked among them, and eyed them with looks of disappropriation and rebuke. And I saw that the very eye of a chosen one lifted on these children of Bilal was sufficient to dismay and put them to flight. I walked aside to my friend, who stood at a distance looking on, and he said to me, What thinkest thou now? And I answered in the words of the venial prophet, Low now, if I had a sword into mine hand, I would even kill him. Wherefore lackest thou it? said he. Dost thou not see, that they tremble at thy presence, knowing that the avenger of blood is among them? My heart was lifted up on hearing this, and again I strode into the midst of them, and eyeing them with threatening looks. They were so much confounded that they abandoned their sinful pastime and fled every one to his house. This was a palpable victory gained over the wicked, and I thereby knew that the hand of the Lord was with me. My companion also exalted and said, Did not I tell thee? Behold, thou dost not know one half of thy might, or of the great things thou art destined to do. Come with me, and I will show thee more than this, for these young men cannot subsist without the exercises of sin. I'd listened to their counsels, and I know where they will meet again. Accordingly, he led me a little farther to the south, and we walked aside till by degrees we saw some people begin to assemble, and in a short time we perceived the same group stripping off their clothes to make them more expert in the practice of madness and folly. Their game was begun before we approached, and so also were the oaths and cursing. I put my hands in my pockets, and walked with dignity and energy into the midst of them. It was enough. Terror and astonishment seized them. A few of them cried out against me, but their voices were soon hushed amid the murmurs of fear. One of them, in the name of the rest, then came and besought of me to grant them liberty to amuse themselves, but I refused peremptorily. Dared the whole multitude so much as to touch me with one of their fingers, and dismiss them in the name of the Lord. Again they all fled and dispersed at my eye, and I went home in triumph, escorted by my friend and some well-meaning young Christians, who, however, had not learned to deport themselves with soberness and humility. But my ascendancy over my enemies was great indeed. For wherever I appeared I was hailed with approbation, and wherever my guilty brother made his appearance he was hooded and held in derision, till he was forced to hide his disgraceful head and appear no more in public. Immediately after this I was seized with a strange distemper, which neither my friends nor physicians could comprehend, and it confined me to my chamber for many days. But I knew myself that I was bewitched, and suspected my father's reputed concubine of the deed. I told my fears to my reverend protector, who hesitated concerning them, but I knew by his words and looks that he was conscious I was right. I generally conceived myself to be two people when I lay in bed. I deemed there were two of us in it. When I sat up I always beheld another person, and always in the same position from the place where I sat or stood, which was about three paces off me towards my left side. It mattered not how many or how few were present. This my second self was sure to be present in his place, and this occasioned a confusion in all my words and ideas that utterly astounded my friends. Who all declared that, instead of being deranged in my intellect, they had never heard my conversation manifest so much energy or sublimity of conception. But for all that, over the singular delusion that I was two persons, my reasoning faculties had no power. The most perverse part of it was that I rarely conceived myself to be any of the two persons. I thought for the most part that my companion was one of them, and my brother the other, and I found that to be obliged to speak an answer in the character of another man was a most awkward business at the long run. Who can doubt from this statement that I was bewitched, and that my relatives were at the ground of it? The constant and unnatural persuasion that I was my brother proved it to my own satisfaction, and must, I think, do so to every unprejudiced person. This victory of the wicked one over me kept me confined in my chamber at Mr. Miller's house for nearly a month, until the prayers of the faithful prevailed, and I was restored. I knew it was a chastisement for my pride, because my heart was lifted up at my superiority over the enemies of the church. Nevertheless, I determined to make short work with the aggressor that the righteous might not be subjected to the effect of his diabolical arts again. I say I was confined a month. I beg he that redith to take note of this, that he may estimate how much the word, or even the oath, of a wicked man is to depend on. For a month, I saw no one but such as came into my room, and for all that it will be seen that there were plenty of the same set to attest upon oath that I saw my brother every day during this period, that I persecuted him with my presence day and night, while all the time I never saw his face save in a delusive dream. I cannot comprehend what maneuvers my illustrious friend was playing off with them about this time, for he, having the art of personating whom he chose, had per adventure deceived them, else many of them had never all attested the same thing. I never saw any man so steady in his friendships and attentions as he, but as he made a rule of never calling at private houses, for fear of some discovery being made of his person, so I never saw him while my malady lasted. But as soon as I grew better, I knew I had nothing adieu but to attend at some of our places of meaning to see him again. He was punctual as usual, and I had not to wait. My reception was precisely as I apprehended. There was no flaring, no flummery, nor bombastical pretensions, but a dignified return to my obeisance, and an immediate recurrence in converse to the important duties incumbent on us, in our stations as reformers and purifiers of the church. I have marked out a number of most dangerous characters in the city, said he, all of whom must be cut off from cumbering the true vineyard before we leave this land. And if you bestow not yourself in the work to which you are called, I must raise up others who shall have the honor of it. I am most illustrious prince, holy at your service, said I. Show but what ought to be done, and here is the heart to dare and the hand to execute. You pointed out my relations according to the flesh, as brands fitted to be thrown into the burning. I approve, peremptorily, of the award. Nay, I thirst to accomplish it, for I myself have suffered severely from their diabolical arts. When once that trial of my devotion to the faith is accomplished, then be your future operations disclosed. You are free of your words and promises, said he. So while I be of my deeds in the service of my master, and that shalt thou see, said I, I lack not the spirit nor the will, but I lack experience woefully, and because of that shortcoming must bow to your suggestions. Meet me here tomorrow bedtimes, said he, and perhaps you may hear of some opportunity of displaying your zeal in the cause of righteousness. I met him as he desired me, and he addressed me with a hurried and joyful expression, telling me that my brother was a stir, and that a few minutes ago he had seen him pass on his way to the mountain. The hill is wrapped in a cloud, added he, and never was there such an opportunity of executing divine justice on a guilty sinner. You may trace him in the dew, and shall infallibly find him on the top of some precipice, for it is only in secret that he dares show his debased head to the sun. I have no arms, else assuredly I would pursue him and discomfort him, said I. Here is a small dagger, said he. I have nothing of weapon kind about me save that, but it is a potted one, and should you require it, there is nothing more ready or sure. Will you not accompany me, said I? Sure you will. I will be with you or near you, said he. Go you on before! I hurried away as he directed me, and imprudently asked some of Queen's Berry's guards if such and such a young man passed by them going out from the city. I was answered in the affirmative, and till then had doubted of my friend's intelligence. It was so inconsistent with a profligate's life to be so eerily a stir. When I got the certain intelligence that my brother was before me, I fell a-running, scarcely knowing what I did, and looking several times behind me, I perceived nothing of my zealous and arbitrary friend. The consequence of this was that, by the time I reached St. Anthony's well, my resolution began to give way. It was not my courage, for now that I had once shed blood in the cause of the true faith, I was exceedingly bold and ardent. But whenever I was left to myself, I was subject to sinful doubtings. These always hankered on one point. I doubted if the elect were infallible, and if the scripture promises to them were binding in all situations and relations, I confessed this, and that it was a sinful and shameful weakness in me, but my nature was subject to it, and I could not eschew it. I never doubted that I was one of the elect myself. For besides the strong inward and spiritual conviction that I possessed, I had my kind father's assurance, and these had been revealed to him in that way in measure that they could not be doubted. In this desponding state, I sat myself down on a stone, and bethought me of the rashness of my undertaking. I tried to ascertain to my own satisfaction whether or not I really had been commissioned of God to perpetrate these crimes in his behalf, for in the eyes and by the laws of men, they were great and crying transgressions. While I sat pondering on these things, I was involved in a veil of white, misty vapor, and looking up to heaven, I was just about to ask direction from above, when I heard, as it were a still small voice close by me, which uttered some words of derision and chiding. I looked intensely in the direction once it seemed to come, and perceived a lady robed in white, who hastened towards me. She regarded me with a severity of look and gesture that appalled me so much I could not address her. But she waited not for that, but coming close to my side said, without stopping, preposterous wretch, how dare you lift your eyes to heaven with such purposes in your heart. Escape homewards and save your soul, or farewell forever. These were all the words that she uttered as far as I could ever recollect, but my spirits were kept in such a tumult that morning that something might have escaped me. I followed her eagerly with my eyes, but in a moment she glided over the rocks above the holy well and vanished. I persuaded myself that I had seen a vision and that the radiant being that had addressed me was one of the good angels or guardian spirits commissioned by the Almighty to watch over the steps of the just. My first impulse was to follow her advice and make my escape home, for I thought to myself, how is this interested and mysterious foreigner a proper judge of the actions of a free Christian. The thought was hardly framed, nor had I moved in a retrograde direction six steps when I saw my illustrious friend and great advisor descending the ridge towards me with hasty and impassioned strides. My heart fainted within me, and when he came up and addressed me, I looked as one caught in a trespass. What hath detained thee thou desponding trifler, said he? Verily now shall the golden opportunity be lost which may never be recalled. I have traced the reprobate to his sanctuary in the cloud, and lo, he is perched on the pinnacle of a precipice and hundred fathoms high. One catch with thy foot or toss with thy finger shall throw him from the sight into the foldings of the cloud, and he shall be no more seen till found at the bottom of the cliff, dashed to pieces. Make haste, therefore, thou loiterer, if thou wouldest ever prosper a rise to eminence in the work of the Lord and Master. I go no farther in this work, said I, for I have seen a vision that has reprimanded the deed. A vision, said he, was it that wench who descended from the hill? The being that spake to me and warn me of my danger was indeed in the form of a lady, said I. She also approached me and said a few words, returned he, and I thought there was something mysterious in her manner. Pray, what did she say? For the words of such a singular message and from such a messenger ought to be attended to. If I understood her all right, she was chiding us for our misbelief and preposterous delay. I recited her words, but he answered that I had been in a state of sinful doubting at the time, and it was to these doubting she had averted. In short, this wonderful and clear-sighted stranger soon banished all my doubts and despondency, making me utterly ashamed of them. And again I set out with him in the pursuit of my brother. He showed me the traces of his footsteps in the dew, and pointed out the spot where I should find him. You have nothing more to do than go softly down behind him, said he, which you can do to within an L of him without being seen. Then rush upon him and throw him from his seat, where there is neither footing nor hold. I will go, meanwhile, and amuse his sight by some exhibition in the contrary direction, and he shall neither know nor perceive who had done him this kind office. For exclusive or more weighty concerns, be assured of this that the sooner he falls, the fewer crimes will he have to answer for, and his estate in the other world will be proportionately more tolerable than if he spent a long, unregenerated life steeped in inequity to the loathing of the soul. Nothing could be more plain or more pertinent, said I. Therefore I fly to perform that which is both a duty towards God and towards man. You shall yet rise to great honor and performance, said he. I value it not, provided I do honor and justice to the cause of my master here, said I. You shall be lord of your father's riches and demisness, added he. I disclaim and deride every selfish motive there too relating, said I. Further than as it enables me to do good. I, but that is a great and heavenly consideration that longing for ability to do good, said he. And as he said so, I could not help remarking a certain derisive exultation of expression which I could not comprehend. And indeed I have noted this very often in my illustrious friend, and sometimes mentioned it civilly to him, but he has never failed to disclaim it. On this occasion I said nothing, but concealing his ponared in my clothes, I hastened up the mountain, determined to execute my purpose before any misgivings should again visit me. And I never had more ado than in keeping firm my resolution. I could not help my thoughts, and there are certain trains and classes of thoughts that have great power in innervating the mind. I thought of the awful thing of plunging a fellow creature from the top of a cliff into the dark and misty void below, of his being dashed to pieces on the protruding rocks, and of hearing his shrieks as he descended the cloud, and beheld the shagged points on which he was to alight. Then I thought of plunging a soul so abruptly into hell, or at the best sending it to hover on the confines of that burning abyss, of its appearance at the bar of the Almighty to receive its sentence. And then I thought, will there not be a sentence pronounced against me there? By a jury of the just made perfect, and written down in the registers of heaven. End of Section 18. Section 19. The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Sinner. Written by himself by James Hogg. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. These thoughts, I say, came upon me unmasked, and instead of being able to dispel them, they mustered upon the summit of my imagination in thicker and stronger array. And there was another that impressed me in a very particular manner, though I have reason to believe not so strongly as those above written. It was this. What if I should fail in my first effort? Will the consequence not be that I am tumbled from the top of the rock myself? And then all the feelings anticipated, with regard to both body and soul, must happen to me. This was a spine-breaking reflection, and yet, though the probability was rather on that side, my zeal in the cause of godliness was such that it carried me on. Mager, all danger, and dismay. I soon came close upon my brother, sitting on the dizzy pinnacle, with his eyes fixed steadfastly in the direction opposite to me. I descended the little green ravine behind him with my feet foremost, and every now and then raised my head and watched his motions. His posture continued the same. Until at last I came so near him, I could have heard him breathe if his face had been towards me. I laid my cap aside and made me ready to spring upon him and push him over. I could not for my life accomplish it. I do not think it was that I durst not. I have always felt my courage equal to anything in a good cause, but I had not the heart or something that I ought to have had. In short, it was not done in time as it easily might have been. These thoughts are hard enemies wherewith to combat, and I was so grieved that I could not affect my righteous purpose that I laid me down on my face and shed tears. Then again I thought of what my great enlightened friend and patron would say to me, and again my resolution rose indignant and indissoluble saved by blood. I rose on my right knee and left foot, and had just begun to advance the ladder forward. The next step my great purpose had been accomplished, and the culprit had suffered the punishment due to his crimes. But what moved him I knew not. In the critical moment he sprung to his feet, and dashing himself furiously against me, he overthrew me at the eminent peril of my life. I disencumbered myself by main force and fled, but he overhid me, knocked me down and threatened with dreadful oaths to throw me from the cliff. After I was a little recovered from the stunning blow, I aroused myself to the combat, and though I do not recollect the circumstances of that deadly scuffle very minutely, I know that I vanquished him so far as to force him to ask my pardon and crave a reconciliation. I spurned at both and left him to the chastisements of his own wicked and corrupt heart. My friend met me again on the hill and derided me in a haughty and stern manner for my imbecility and want of decision. I told him how nearly I had affected my purpose, and excused myself as well as I was able. On this, seeing me bleeding, he advised me to swear the peace against my brother, and have him punished in the meantime, he being the first aggressor. I promised compliance and we parted, for I was somewhat ashamed of my failure, and was glad to be quit for the present of one of whom I stood so much in awe. When my reverent father beheld me bleeding a second time by the hand of a brother, he was moved to the highest point of displeasure, and relying on his high interest in the justice of his cause, he brought the matter at once before the courts. My brother and I were first examined face to face. His declaration was a mere romance. Mine was not the truth, but as it was by the advice of my reverent father, and that of my illustrious friend, both of whom I knew to be sincere Christians and true believers that I gave it, I conceived myself completely justified on that score. I said I had gone up into the mountain early on the morning to pray, and had withdrawn myself for entire privacy into a little sequestered dell. Had laid aside my cap and was in the act of kneeling when I was rudely attacked by my brother, knocked over and nearly slain. They asked my brother if this was true, he acknowledged that it was, that I was bareheaded and in the act of kneeling when he ran foul of me without any intent of doing so. But the judge took him to task on the improbability of this, and put the profligate sore out of continence. The rest of his tale told still worse in so much that he was laughed at by all present. For the judge remarked to him that, granting it was true that he had first run against me on an open mountain and overthrown me by accident, how was it that, after I had extricated myself and fled, that he had pursued, overtaken and knocked me down a second time? Would he pretend that all that was likewise by chance? The culprit had nothing to say for himself on this head, and I shall never forget my exultation and that of my reverent father when the sentence of the judge was delivered. It was that my wicked brother should be thrown into prison and tried on a criminal charge of assault and battery with the intent of committing murder. This was a just and righteous judge, and saw things in their proper bearings, that is, he could discern between a righteous and a wicked man. And then there could be no doubt as to which of the two were acting right and which wrong. Had I not been sensible that a justified person could do nothing wrong, I should not have been at my ease concerning the statement I had been induced to give on this occasion. I could easily perceive that by rooting out the weeds from the garden of the church, I heightened the growth of righteousness. But as to the tardy way of giving false evidence on matters of such doubtful issue, I confess I saw no great propriety in it from the beginning. But I now only moved by the will and mandate of my illustrious friend. I had no peace or comfort when out of his sight, nor have I ever been able to boast of much in his presence. So true is it that a Christian's life is one of suffering. My time was now much occupied, along with my reverent perceptor, and making ready for the approaching trial as the prosecutors. Our counsel assured us of a complete victory, and that banishment would be the mildest award of the law on the offender. Mark how different was the result! From the shifts and ambiguities of a wicked bench who had a fellow feeling of inequity with the defenders. My suit was lost, the graceless libertine was absolved, and I was incarcerated, and bound over to keep the peace with heavy penalties before I was set at liberty. I was exceedingly disgusted at this issue and blamed the counsel of my friend to his face. He expressed great grief and expatiated on the wickedness of our justitories, adding, I see I cannot depend on you for quick and summary measures, but for your sake I shall be revenged on that wicked judge, and that you shall see in a few days. The Lord Justice Clerk died that same week, but he died in his own house and his own bed, and by what means my friend affected it, I do not know. He would not tell me a single word of the matter, but the judge's sudden death made a great noise, and I made so many curious inquiries regarding the particulars of it that some suspicions were like to attach to our family of some unfair means used. For my part I know nothing and rather think he died by the visitation of heaven, and that my friend had foreseen it by symptoms and soothed me by promises of complete revenge. It was some days before he mentioned to my brother's meditated death to me again, and certainly he then found me exasperated against him personally to the highest degree. But I told him that I could not now think any more of it owing to the late judgment of the court, by which, if my brother were missing or found dead, I would not only forfeit my life, but my friends would be ruined by the penalties. I suppose you know and believe in the perfect safety of your soul, said he, and that that is a matter settled from the beginning of time and now sealed and ratified both in heaven and earth. I believe in it thoroughly and perfectly, said I, and whenever I entertain doubts of it, I am sensible of sin and weakness. Very well, so then am I, said he. I think I can now divine, with all manner of certainty, what will be the high and merited girdon of your immortal part. Hear me then further. I give you my solemn assurance and bond of blood that no human hand shall ever henceforth be able to injure your life or shed one drop of your precious blood, but it is on the condition that you walk always by my directions. I will do so with cheerfulness, said I, for without your enlightened counsel I feel that I can do nothing. But as through your power of protecting my life, you must excuse me for doubting of it. Nay, were we in your proper dominions, you could not ensure that. In whatever dominion or land I am, my power accompanies me, said he, and it is only against human might and human weapon that I ensure your life. On that will I keep an eye, and on that you may depend. I have never broken word or promise with you. Do you credit me? Yes, I do, said I, for I see you are in earnest. I believe, though I do not comprehend you. Then why do you not at once challenge your brother to the field of honor? Seeing you now act without danger, cannot you also act without fear? It is not fear, returned I. Believe me, I hardly know what fear is. It is a doubt that, on all these emergencies, constantly haunts my mind that, in performing such and such actions, I may fall from my upright state. This makes fratricide a fearful task. This is impassility itself, said he. We have settled and agreed on that point a hundred times. I would therefore advise that you challenge your brother to single combat. I shall ensure your safety, and he cannot refuse giving you satisfaction. Uh, but then the penalties, said I. We will try to evade these, said he. And supposing you should be caught, if once you are layered of dull castle and bell grinning, what are the penalties to you? Might we not rather pop him off in private in quietness? As we did, the diastical divine, said I. The deed would be alike meritorious, either way, said he. But may we not wait for years before we find an opportunity? My advice is to challenge him, as privately as you will, and there, cut him off. So be it then, said I. When the moon is at the full, I will send for him forth to speak with one. And there will I smite him and slay him, and he shall trouble the righteous no more. Then this is the very night, said he. The moon is nigh to the full, and this night your brother and his sinful mates hold carousel. For there is an intended journey tomorrow. The exalting profligate leaves town, where we must remain till the time of my departure hence. And then is he safe, and must live to dishonor God, and not only destroy his own soul, but those of many others. Alack and woe is me. The sins that he and his friends will commit this very night will cry to heaven against us for our shameful delay. When shall our great work of cleansing the sanctuary be finished, if we proceed at this puny rate? I see the deed must be done then, said I. And since it is so, it shall be done. I will arm myself forthwith, and from the midst of his wine into bottery you shall call him forth to me, and there will I smite him with the edge of the sword that our great work be not retarded. If thy execution were equal to thy intent, how great a man you soon might be, said he. We shall make the attempt once more, and if it fail again, why I must use other means to bring about my high purposes relating to mankind. Home and make ready. I will go and procure what information I can regarding their motions, and we'll meet you in disguise twenty minutes hence, at the first turn of Huey's lane beyond the lock. I have nothing to make ready, said I. For I do not choose to go home. Bring me a sword, and we may consecrate it with prayer and vows. And if I use it not to the bringing down of the wicked and profane, then may the Lord do so to me, and more also. We parted, and there was I left again to the municipality of my own thoughts for the space of twenty minutes. A thing my friend never failed in subjecting me to. And these were worse to contend with than hosts of sinful men. I prayed inwardly that these deeds of mine might never be brought to the knowledge of men who were incapable of appreciating the high motives that led to them. And then I sung part of the tenth song, likewise in spirit. But for all these efforts my sinful doubts returned. So that when my illustrious friend joined me, and proffered me the choice of two gilded rapiers, I declined accepting any of them, and began, in a very bold and energetic manner, to express my doubts regarding the justification of all the deeds of perfect men. He chided me severely, and branded me with cowardice. A thing that my nature never was subject to. And then he branded me with falsehood, and breach of the most solemn engagements, both to God and man. I was compelled to take the rapier much against my inclination. But for all the arguments, threats and promises that he could use, I would not consent to send a challenge to my brother by his mouth. There was one argument only that he made use of, which had some weight with me, but yet it would not preponderate. He told me my brother was gone to a notorious and scandalous habitation of women. And that, if I'd left him to himself, forever so short a space longer, it might embitter his state through ages to come. This was a trying concern to me, but I resisted it, and reverted to my doubts. On this he said that he had meant to do me honor, but since I put it out of his power, he would do the deed, and take the responsibility on himself. I have with sore travail procured a guardship of your life, added he. For my own I have not, but be that as it will, I shall not be baffled in my attempts to benefit my friends without a trial. You will at all events accompany me and see that I get justice. Certus I will do thus much, said I, and woe be to him if his arm prevail against my friend and patron. His lip curled with a smile of contempt which I could hardly brook. And I began to be afraid that the eminence to which I had been destined by him was already fading from my view. And I thought what I should then do to ingratiate myself again with him, for without his continence I had no life. I will be a man in act, thought I, but in sentiment I will not yield. And for this he must surely admire me the more. End of section 19