 Colgate Devil Cream to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay and luster cream shampoo for soft glamorous Corrosable hair bring you our Miss Brooks starring Eve Arden for another comedy episode of our Miss Brooks written by Al Lewis Well Tuesday January 3rd mark the end of the holidays and teachers and pupils all over the country Return to their various halls of learning our Miss Brooks who teaches English at Madison High School was discussing her vacation With her landlady at breakfast last Tuesday. I guess vacations are necessary sometimes Connie But now I suppose you're looking forward to returning to dear old Madison High with considerable Enthusiasm yes indeed, Mrs. Davis, but all the enthusiasm of a sailor returning to his dear old submarine After a two-week vacation on Ballet-Ballet Get back into the swing in no time Connie is Walter Denton picking you up this morning. Yes, he is and I hope he's on time Our beloved principal is designated today as Board of Education Day. Oh What sort of ceremony is Mr. Conklin planning? Well, Mrs. Stone the head of the board will be there for his annual Oiling and Mr. Conklin will have the whole school lined up on the campus Some of the students will even march past. Mr. Stone carrying the flag Well, he can't do any harm Connie the board might decide to get you teachers a raise in the coming year I hope so then maybe next year will be strong enough to carry the flag I'll get it be right there. I'll take the dishes into the kitchen. All right, Mrs. Davis and thanks for breakfast Good morning, Walter. It's more than that. Miss Brooks This is the morning when the glorious case of learning fling open and new When the tantalizing aroma of chalk and pencil shavings beckons us all Teachers and pupils alike to join hands and mix the clanging of bells come gaily skipping back to the black hole of Calcutta Walter I didn't know you had it in you and I wish you'd put it back You did have a nice vacation didn't you oh sure I did miss Brooks That is up to last night and then it was practically ruined by mr. Conklin He ordered me to write an editorial for the Madison monitor on what the board of education means to me Did you write it? Well sure I did but you know what a tyrant old marble head can be when it I mean Mr. Conklin can be when you cross him, but as a believer in freedom of the press I really gave that board of education both barrels Walter this is a new year. Don't you think one barrel would have been enough Giving us Monday off after New Year's Day and then making us go to school Tuesday Wednesday Thursday and Friday is downright Sadistic well, it's better than not having Monday off, isn't it? Well sure, but it's not as good as having the rest of the week off, too It would also be nice if they gave us February and March off Sometimes I doubt if they work at all but it's all in this editorial miss Brooks here I told mr. Conklin you'd proofread it and bring it into his office this morning me. Oh, sure Hey, you're a faculty advisor to the school paper, aren't you? Oh and don't be nervous about handing it to him miss Brooks Just toss it on his desk. I can only do that if you'll agree to do something for me Oh, what's that miss Brooks notify my next of kin? Look Walter mr. Conklin wants to start the year off with a spirit of cooperation You'd better destroy this literary Frankenstein. Oh, I couldn't do that miss Brooks But I'll think it over on the way to school and maybe amend some of my statements fine I'll just flip on my coat and we can get going oh swell my pal stretch is waiting out in the car And he's pretty brought down stretch not grass. What's the matter with him? Oh, you know what a great athlete stretch is he can pick up any sport in the second But he can't seem to absorb much with his brain He's afraid that during the holidays he forgot everything he learned all term. You know what I mean I know exactly what you mean the alphabet Look go ahead stretch tell miss Brooks what's bothering you she might be able to help you out. I'll certainly try stretch What's your immediate problem? everything As long as you've got it localized I can help you I mean everything at school miss Brooks You see I just got a stay eligible for basketball mr. Boynton says I got to take a biology test pretty soon And I forgot so much during our vacation. I'm afraid I'm just not no good at no biology no more Stretch it is incorrect to use a double negative in the sentence you just used four of them oh And what I said was okay, huh? I I'm sure glad I didn't forget none of my English like I forgot about my animals in biology Gosh, I used to know my animals like I know my a beat my a beat Right about the alphabet. Yeah, I guess you were go on stretch Tell miss Brooks some more about the test well I think it's gonna be mostly about birds and monkeys and stuff like that there what where Different kind of baboons which I used to know real good, but I forgot well Don't worry about it stretch if you want me to I'll meet you after school and review your lessons with you Oh, that'd be keen miss Brooks gosh I'll bet even the baboons know the names of all the other baboon Well, don't worry about that either if you'll just concentrate and spend the next couple of years studying You'll be as smart as any other baboon I Summage you to my office miss Brooks to inform you of the fact that at 1 o'clock Mr. Stone is due to arrive so promptly at 1255 the students and faculty will line up outside between the old cannon and the flagpole Yes, sir, then I will greet mr. Stone and read aloud the editorial which is to appear in the next issue of the Madison Monitor Oh the editorial I am not finished miss Brooks The editorial is called what the Board of Education means to me and was written by Walter Denton Now as you know, I am not overly fond of young Denton But as my daughter Harriet pointed out to me he does get off some good editorial he gets off some pips But mr. Conklin, I don't said you deliver this one to me after proof reading it miss Brooks May I have it please have it please? But mr. Conklin, I haven't got it and neither has Walter He told me he lost it on the way to school today lost it. That's out of the question He's just trying to do this a conklin if you're going to use an editorial as a welcoming speech You should write it yourself me of course You're a master of the editorial form why even your interclass communications are sheer poetry They are Personally they are you sit right down at your desk mr. Conklin and start creating well I do have a way with words. I suppose yes I'll pass this morning and send it to you at lunchtime mr. Brooks for proof reading not that you'll find any grammatical errors Oh, of course not but correct everyone you find Oh One more thing before you go. I'd like some exciting Conclusion to the ceremonies I've planned on the campus something that would really wind it up in a spectacular manner. Any suggestions miss bro Well, you say we're lining up between the cannon and the flagpole. That is correct Then I think I've got just the idea for you mr. Conklin. Oh, what is it miss bro? Let's shoot Walter Denning out of the cannon And you in just a moment, but first here is Vern Smith now proof that brushing teeth right after eating with Colgate dental cream Helps stop tooth decay before it starts continuous research hundreds of case histories Makes this the most conclusive proof in all dentifers research on tooth decay eminent dental authorities Who provides hundreds of college men and women for over two years? One group always brushed their teeth with Colgate's right after eating the other follow their usual dental care The group using Colgate dental cream is directed using Colgate's Exclusively showed a startling reduction an average number of cavities far less tooth decay The other group developed new cavities at a much higher rate No other dentifers offers proof of these results modern research shows decay is caused by mouth acids Which are at their worst right after eating brushing teeth with Colgate's is directed helped remove acids before they harm enamel Yes, Colgate's contains all the necessary ingredients including an exclusive patented ingredient for effective daily dental care So remember always use Colgate dental cream to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay During my morning classes, I waited for mr. Conklin's epic essay What's the board of education means to me? But when the epic didn't arrive at noon I decided to expose myself to a luncheon invitation from mr. Boynton and hurried toward the biology laboratory Just a few doors for my goal I was intercepted by Madison's athletic giant and mental midget stretch snotgrass Excuse me, miss Brooks, but could I see you for a minute? I suppose. Oh stretch. What's on your? What's new? Mr. Conklin appointed me messenger of the day that means I'm supposed to deliver messages Thanks, what do you want to see me about mr. Conklin told me to deliver his board of education speaks to you during the lunch period That's why I stopped you just now. Why? ain't got it I haven't got it. Oh, I know you ain't got it I'm supposed to give it to you. Well, why ain't you got it? He ain't give it to me yet One of us is getting nowhere in my english class Now if you'll excuse me stretch. Oh sure miss Brooks. Just leave the speech in mr. Boynton's lab as soon as mr. Conklin gives it to you I've been anticipating this luncheon date for some time. Okay miss Brooks. I'm sorry. I held you up. That's all right I didn't mean to take up so much of your time. It's all right stretch. I didn't know you were anticipating So long Miss Brooks, I'll be with you in just a minute. I've been trying to correct this biology test paper. It's an essay. Oh I can hardly make out the name of the writing is so illegible. Let's see. Could it be snodgrass? What's the title of the essay a man's best friends is his animals. It's snodgrass. All right Hey, listen to this lovebirds is very nice pets as they don't never bother nobody hardly but is all the time busy making love Isn't that terrible you can't knock it to me Yes, it is pretty bad Here's another paragraph Baboons is pretty big and the mandrel is the biggest baboon of all They make very nice pets as they don't never bother nobody hardly but is all the time busy making love He ought to change the title to an animal's best friend is his animals You can finish that later. Mr. Boyne. Let's go to lunch. Very well, miss Brooks Yeah, I hope we run into Walter Denton in the cafeteria. These papers must have fallen out of his briefcase this morning I'd like to return them seems to be an editorial for the school paper. Oh, let's see that Hmm what the board of education means to me by Walter Denton I'm glad I discovered this in time The faculty advisor to the paper. Mr. Conklin would hold me responsible for the most embarrassing incident that ever happened in madison What do you mean miss Brooks? What's in the editorial? Just a pint or two of Walter's spleen It's a blast at the board, which I'm going to tear up right now. Yeah, miss Brooks. Miss Brooks just a minute Look what you've done. You you've torn up stretches essay along with the other one. Oh, I'm sorry, mr. Boyne What were you planning to do with it? Send it to the congressional library? Such deathless prose Baboons don't never bother nobody hardly but is all the time busy making love What am I laughing at? It should happen to both of us Mr. Brooks, mr. Boynton Oh, I guess they went to lunch Well, I'll just leave mr. Conklin's speech in this desk. Hi a stretch. I heard about the ceremonies We're gonna have yeah, Walter. Mr. Stone's coming down and we all gotta line up and greet him And boy is he gonna get a greeting I'm cooking some powder down in the chem lab that I'm gonna put in back of the old cannon And when mr. Stone gets here, we'll give him a salute. It'll hear till he's 90 Do you think mr. Conklin will like that? He doesn't know about it yet. But what's this on the desk here? Oh, what the board of education means to me? Say, I thought I lost this editorial while I was in here this morning What a toy is this one. See, I'm glad I found it. Miss Brooks was right This could get me in a lot of trouble the water this thing is dynamite I'm gonna tear it up right now. But you shouldn't. There's something I gotta tell you Give a minute What is it stretch? That wasn't your editorial. You just tore up It wasn't no there was a speech that mr. Conklin's been sweating out all morning Yeah, he told me to give it to miss Brooks, but don't worry, walter I'm very good at jigsaw puzzles. I'll just pick the pieces out of the wastebasket and paste them together again Oh Yeah, I better help you hold with the chem lab. I got powder cooking. You better get back there, walter This'll be easy for me to do on it. You go on fact and make some real good explosives get alive in the place up a bit I guess I better stretch but whatever you do get that speech pasted together fast. Okay pal Let's see There's more papers in this basket than I thought Well, here's one piece that fits to another Well, no it don't neither Well most bits Oh, it'll be good enough Walder dentin. Oh, yes, mr. Brooks. Have you seen stretch anywhere? I've looked all over the grounds for him Walder, what are you doing with that cannon cannon? Oh, I'm just polishing it, mr. Brooks I want everything to look thick and span when mr. Stone gets here Well, he better not get here until stretch shows up with mr. Conklin's speech I don't know what we'll do if I don't there you are, mr. Brooks. Have you finished checking my speech? Not really mr. Conklin. What do you mean not really? I haven't begun That is I haven't begun to enjoy anything as much as I did that speech of yours Uh stretch is carrying it for me. Excuse me, mr. Brooks, but here's the speech straighten this folder. Nice timing stretch See mr. Conklin. Here's your speech. Oh not a minute too soon. I think this is mr. Stone's car driving up now Uh attention everyone straighten out those lines. That's right. Now, Mr. Brooks, you stand on my left I'll stand here by the cannon. Uh get a little closer to the cannon, mr. Conklin Stunning together Quiet dentin Now remember when mr. Stone steps out of the car, I'll count three and we'll all salute him. I certainly will Ready now one two Water What in the world did you put in that camera? It's just sort of a giant firecracker, mr. Brooks. Wasn't it keen? Would somebody please help me up There you are, sir. Everything all right. There's no reason to be embarrassed. That wasn't mr. Stone's car How I said that wasn't mr. Stone's car. Don't stand there flapping your lips say something He can't hear a word you're saying he was standing so close to the cannon it must have plugged up his ears Oh, no, this is terrible. Walter. That's right. What's that? What did you say? He's been stunned Come on gang three cheers for mr. Conklin What's going on here Why is everyone so quiet Poor mr. Conklin Compared do you of course not Harriet. This is just a temporary condition Shall I say come in mr. Conklin? Yeah, what's that? What? Come in Hi, mr. Brooks. How's mr. Conklin's hearing very bad walter good. We're gonna shoot off the cannon again But walter That was dentin wasn't it did he have anything to do with that explosion by the cannon? Oh, i'm sure he didn't daddy I'll say i'm sure he didn't daddy. That's right mr. Conklin. They just exploded I say it just exploded It certainly is corroded I don't understand what happened that cannon hasn't been touched since the spanish-american war Absolutely useless. What do you mean useless? We won didn't we? Well, you're right. You're right. It is unusual for mr. Stone to be so late. He's quite a busy man though Gosh, mr. Brooks. Do you think daddy's hearing is getting any better at all? Come in Go out and tell walter to stop that racket at once. Okay, mr. Brooks, but you'll see what daddy won't you certainly? Don't worry about him. Harriet. He's not in any pain. All right, mr. Brooks. See you later daddy Uh miss brooks when mr. Stone does get here I don't want him to think there's anything wrong with my hearing or anything else If he suspected that a cannon had exploded on school property He'd go back to the board in a tizzy. I understand mr. Conklin and in view of your condition I think it might be a good idea if I were to read your speech to him in view of my condition It might be a good idea if you were to read my speech to him quite an echo in here Now remember to read the speech slowly miss brooks and when I see your lips stop moving I'll make some appropriate comment from time to time Come in Well, it's mr. Stone. How do you do miss brooks? Sorry. I'm late. I was good. It was unavoidable. Thank you, mr. Stone And a happy new year to you too Take your part in uh, mr. Conklin's a little confused mr. Stone It isn't every day that's so distinguished a visitor honors our institution with a visit Oh, that's very gracious miss brooks. Uh, this speech miss brooks the speech. Yes, sir However, mr. Conklin has prepared a little speech which I will read to you now You but why don't you eat it yourself? I'll go ahead You see mr. Stone. He's so choked with emotion. He's speechless However, I have it right here Hmm nice pace job It's entitled what the board of education means to me by osgood conklin. It reads Few people realize the magnificent efficiency with which our board of education functions This august body is composed of a group of able members and these baboons grow to a height of four feet Every word of this comes from the bottom of my heart Read on miss brooks. I don't know whether I should I insist that you do Oh, well the members of the board of education make very nice pets as they don't never bother nobody but is all the time busy making love What is the meaning of this right from the bottom of my heart? Now see here conklin if this is some sort of a joke. I don't like it not one bit. Oh, you're too kind mr. Stone Tell me that last page miss brooks, but mr. conklin. I wouldn't suggest it To sum up I would like to read what I have written in this last paragraph to quit Having observed mr. Stone's educational methods I'm convinced that his outstanding talent is his ability to eat bananas while hanging by his face Believe me mr. Stone these sentiments are dictated by a sense Eat bananas while hanging by his hand man is obviously taken leave of a sense And when they return this matter will be thoroughly investigated. Good day, miss brooks miss brooks this speech This isn't the speech I wrote. I know it now mr. conklin, but I didn't I hold you responsible for this entire fiasco And believe me miss brooks. You have no idea how severe your punishment is going to be Oh, yes, I have mr. conklin miss brooks where you're going out to get some bananas There's nothing like hanging by your tail from a flagpole to whip up an appetite Returns in just a moment, but first dream girl Tonight yes tonight show him how much lovelier your hair can look after a luster cream shampoo Luster cream world's finest shampoo No other shampoo in the world gives k-doomits magic blend of secret ingredients plus gentle aniline Not a soap not a liquid luster cream shampoo leaves hair three ways lovelier Fragmently clean free of loose dandruff Blistening with sheen soft manageable even in hardest water luster cream lathers instantly No special rinse needed after a luster cream shampoo So gentle luster cream is wonderful even for children's hair Tonight yes tonight try luster cream shampoo dream girl dream girl beautiful luster cream girl You owe your crowning glory A luster cream Shampoo And now once again here is our miss brooks Well, even after he's read the written confession from walter and stretch mr. conklin still blamed me for the day's misadventures Accordingly, he ordered me to write a brand new speech for him that same afternoon I wouldn't have minded that so much, but it meant breaking one of my rare dates with mr. Boynton I was complaining about it as we walked down the hall after school Oh, it does sound unfair miss brooks, but after all mr. conklin's the boss. What can you do about it? Well, I could go into his office and tell him off I suppose But that wouldn't do any good either. He can't hear a word Wait a minute. Maybe these are the ideal conditions A chance to say all the things I've ever wanted to say to miss the conklin right to his face Or do you think that's wise miss brooks? I don't know how wise it is, but it'll certainly do my little heart good Excuse me miss brooks. I've got to take this aspirin in the daddy Oh, let me take it harry. If there's something I'd like to say to him He's still pretty upset miss brooks. Maybe I better see him alone first. All right harry Here's your aspirin daddy and a glass of water See water drink about gibbering girl. I can hear you distinctly Yes, yes, it happened just a moment ago. My head cleared and my hearing is perfectly normal. How wonderful Oh daddy miss brooks is waiting to see you. May I send her in? Very well Daddy will see you now miss brooks. Oh goody. See you tomorrow. All right harry Well miss brooks, I just wanted to talk to you about my having to stay in this afternoon You inconsiderate mal adjusted subhuman tyrant I've got some things to tell you that I've been saving up for years And it's going to be a great pleasure to coo them into your dainty plugged up ears Does that go again? Of all the puffed up overstuffed pompous windbags. I've ever met you take the marble cake marble head Rather than try to talk some sense into that Adulpated mule brain little head of yours. I'll do the work this afternoon. Does that make you happy? You beady-eyed beetle-browed old buzzard Yes, miss brooks that makes me very happy Good, and I just want to say Boy Yes From the moment you enter this office, you'll be pleased to know that this overstuffed windbag has absorbed your every word You realize across miss brooks that any chastisement you have suffered in the past Is mere child's play compared with what's in store for you now I Not only see to it that our local board of education received a mind. Must be contagious can't seem to hear a single word you're saying So the three hours ago that the cannon went off here. I am suddenly taking stone Well, I guess there's no sense in worrying about it. I'll just relax Rock you by luxury cream tamper for soft, glamorous, caressable hair And full-gate whipped cream to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop cute decay Our miss brooks starring eve ardent is produced by larry burns directed by al lewis with music by wilbur hatch Beauty wise get bath size palm olive soap for beauty care all over Yes for your tub or shower enjoy the same glorious beauty lather that millions of women have found so wonderful In bringing lovelier complexions in just 14 days simply by the big thrifty long lasting bath size palm olive Use it for your palm olive soap facials Enjoy its oceans of creamy beautifying lather in your tub or shower And say men love it too So let the whole family enjoy bath size palm olive. Yes, be beauty wise get bath size palm olive soap today Be with us again next week at the same time for another comedy episode of our miss brooks bob laman speaking This is cbs for columbia broadcasting