 tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before and drop a chair for tonight's camo show starring whatever you mean seven gables no seven gravels when I built when you've only got 48 hours to get rid of that money you won last week before income tax time was due I'm trying to get rid of the money at it yesterday I bought a 1923 Maxwell for $75 but with it I had to take $400 worth of accessories $400 worth of accessories yes I had to buy two horses to pull it $38,000 to get rid of and you've got to get rid of it make sure that you don't get it back okay I'll get rid of it so I'll never it'll never come back how I'll lend it to Europe this is ridiculous why don't you just take the $38,000 down to the income tax office and pay the tax on it you can't do that at it I figured it out last night and $38,000 will not pay the tax on $38,000 did you said in your estimated income for 1947 you know that's the one where they asked you to guess how much you're going to make this year oh sure I sent it in but I didn't sign it why didn't you sign it if they want me to guess how much I'm gonna make let them guess who sent it in about deductions my what deductions like when I file my tax the man wanted to allow me $500 for my wife for your wife that's why you're sealing it look I'm talking about dependence you see everybody comes under a different tax table now if you're single you come under one table you're married you come under another table that did it I ain't paying no taxes why I refuse to do business under the table you're impossible you never figure that taxer so you've got to get rid of that money now hey wait a minute wait a minute I've got an idea the best place to lose money is at the racetrack racetrack that's wonderful habit I love horses my favorite story is about a horse named black beauty black beauty yes once about a time there was a little horse named black beauty his mother was a Bronco and one night she died of a cold oh she had pneumonia she what she had pneumonia yeah it was Bronco pneumonia oh wow but will you keep out of this all right when you go over to the livery stable and show them what a real jackass looks like now that you understand I know jackass you're no jackass no your ears are too long alright okay now a farmer who won't black beauty he loved them and they used to brush and comb the horse and now you mean he carried the horse why should he carry him black beauty was big enough to walk all right black beauty yes black beauty ate his father yes and after he would eat that straight away every horse eats his father you mean he eats his father yes and his father eats his father and his father eats his father pretty soon there won't be no father's left for father's day defeat a horse you take a bag and put its father in it and hang it on his nose now we got a pretty picture black beauty walking around with his father hanging on his nose never mind that what's the rest of the story about black beauty well black beauty like the rain every time it would rain he would run and run and they would run in the water in other words black beauty was a mother yes now one day black I have that again he was a mother black beauty was a mother how could he be a mother ain't a she a mother certainly not sometimes he makes a better mother than a she well we learn something new every mama horse has little horses don't that make her a mother well now that depends on her feet yeah and then you get a silly answer no no no castell I own race horses and and have one of the finest mothers in the world what has your mother got to do with horses my mother is a horse now that you mentioned it I see the reason the farm was very very sad the farmer was sad all the little horses were sad too they were so sad just a second little little minute don't break me down why was everybody so sad black beauty was limping around it's too bad there was something wrong with his front legs the farmer took no no no he had something wrong with his forelegs yes and then if you mind running that pass me again please I said he was having trouble with his four legs I just told you he limped on his two front legs well castella horses four legs are in front his four legs are in front yes what are those things in the back legs in front and hind legs in back four legs in front and hind legs in back right what are we talking about a horse or a centipede listen please I'm trying to tell you that our horse has four legs in front oh Abbott you're sure his four legs are in front certainly okay but tell me this what keeps his tail say that the horse has four legs in front I don't mean that his four legs are in front I mean his four legs are in front a horse has four legs but all four of them are not four legs oh when you say that a horse has four legs in front you don't mean that his four legs are in front you mean that his four legs are in front a horse has four legs but all of them are not four legs now you've got it now I've got it I don't even a young man and his girl at a dance let's sit out this dance I'd like a smoke cigarette for you yes please goodness It's nice to be able to get the cigarettes you want again, isn't it? Uh-huh. But you know, I learned something during that cigarette shortage. By smoking whatever brand I could get, I learned that there really are differences in cigarettes. I found I liked camels so much. Yes, the experience of smoking whatever brands of cigarettes they could get during that wartime shortage taught millions the differences in cigarette quality. Smoker's T-Zones, that's T for taste and T for throat, tested brand after brand. It was then that camels' rich, full flavor and cool mildness registered so enjoyably with smokers that today more people smoke camels than ever before. Yes, during that wartime shortage, people smoked whatever cigarette they could get. But when they could get and again choose, millions chose camels. Experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. I go to sleep. I never count sheep. I count all the charms about Linda. And lately it seems in all of my dreams I walk with my arms about Linda. But what good does it do me? Fall in the dust, no, I exist. And help feelings glue me. Think of all the loving of me. We pass on the street, the heart skips a beat. I say to myself, hello, Linda. If only she'd smile, I'd stop for a while. And then I would get to know Linda. But miracles still happen. And when my lucky star begins to shine. With one lucky break, I'll make Linda my lucky break. Can it happen to you, Lou? Yes, I can win. You can go off at 20 to 1. He goes off at 20 to 1 at 3 o'clock. He goes off at 3 o'clock. No matter what time he goes off, it'll still be 20 to 1. It'll still be 20 to 1 at 3 o'clock. That's right. The smart thing to do is buy a dope sheet. You can get smart from buying a dope sheet? Certainly, if you have the dope, you're smart. Is that clear? Oh, sure. The horse goes off at 20 to 1 at 3 o'clock. I'll never mind that. Hey, I think that fellow over there is selling tip sheets. Let's ask him. Say, mister, do you sell tips on horses? As Dr. Livingston said to Stanley, you came to the right place. I've got Joe's tip sheet, Henry's tips, Eddie's tips, and Asparagus tip. Asparagus tips, that's for green horse players. Great. He said tip sheet. Is it any good? As the Queen of Sheba said to Solomon, it's wonderful. Forget that. We want a tip sheet that picks losers. Well, if you want to lose, I've got a horse that goes off at 20 to 1. At 3 o'clock? No, 4.30. He'll send to Mr. Hyde, take a powder. Give us a copy of Joe's tip sheet. Fine, there you are. And as young Dr. Malone said to Ma Perkins, that will be $5. Okay. Okay, now I'll be able to pick the horses. Oh, you mean you want to use Joe's tip sheet to pick the horses? Well, in that case, you'll need a copy of Henry's tip sheet. You see, that explains what Joe's tip sheet is all about. How much is that? $10. Okay, I'll take it. Let's go, Abbott. Just a minute, Fatty. Can you read the code in Henry's tip sheet? Oh, sure. I can read... What code? Uh-huh. Which explains the code on Henry's tip sheet, which picks the horses in Joe's tip sheet. That'll be $25. Come on, Castella. We've got to make some bets and lose that money. Nothing to do, Abbott. I can lose all my money right here. Here's $25. Oh, thank you. And as Mrs. Chips said to Mr. Chips, goodbye. Chop them right special from the feed box. What is it? Oats. I am there for you. Maybe he can give us a loser. Hiya, fellas. Hey, what time is it? 3 o'clock. Good. I've got a horse that goes off to 20 to 1. Go off at 20 to 1 or 3 o'clock. Now, just a minute. I'm a straight man. There's a lot of money to lose. Do you know of any slow horses? Well, sure. Play Ash Can in the third. I will. Are you sure Ash Can is a slow horse? Do you see a slow horse? Boys, if Paul revered ridden Ash Can, you'd be doing your baseball routine about cricket. I wonder how it would sound. Come on, Castella. Let's call for the first race. Let's get a bet down. I'm going to play Whirlpool. Here, Mr. 500 on Whirlpool to win. I got the bet down. Just in time, Castella. They're off. I hope Whirlpool doesn't win. Abbott, the only way that horse could win is if he had an outboard motor attached to him. That's more money than never to get rid of. Hey, look, look at that lady's program and see what she's marking. Maybe she'll pick a loser. Pardon me, madam. Could you sort of... Well, if it isn't Mr. Orbot and Mr. Costello, you... You're saying that wrong. Your husband said you had the makings of a great horse. Woman, let's try the old-fashioned method. Stick a pin in Mrs. Wetwash's program and play whatever you pick. Okay, Mrs. Wetwash, may I borrow your hat pin? Yes. Thank you. Now hold up the program. I'll close my eyes and stab it with the hat pin. Costello. Costello, you stuck Mrs. Wetwash with the hat pin. Look, she's jumping the fins. She's out on the track. At the corner, Mission Bell is going to the front. Is he being a second? Hey, just a minute, folks. There's an added starter out there. That's a strange-looking nag, but brother, can she run? Now you get it, Costello. Mrs. Wetwash is running in the race. She'll probably win and pay a lot of money. And the winner is the added st- What she paid? Mrs. Wetwash went off at 20 to 1 and came in at 3 o'clock. How do you like that? For the end. And for Camel fans everywhere, Marilyn Singh, you're seeking rich, full-bodied tobacco flavor for your taste. If you're on the lookout for cool mildness for your throat, why don't you try a camel now on your T-zone? See if you don't say, like millions of other smokers, camels suit my T-zone to a T. 15th, you'll really be in trouble with your income tax. I can't help it, Abbott. Gamble and runs on my family. My uncle Artie Stebbins was a big gambler, too. He once crossed a racehorse with a chicken. He crossed a racehorse with a chicken? What for? So could lay odds. Would you like to buy a sweepstake ticket? They're 50 cents a piece. Oh, sure. Here's $50. Give me a hundred of them. Hey, wait a minute. The price marked on these tickets is $2. How can you afford to sell them so cheap? The race was last year. Now, would you like to take a chance on this punch board? It pays $500 to one. Now, wait a minute. The punch board is all punched out. I know, but where else could you get such beautiful odds? Say, mister, who are you? Now, oh, I've got some business cards in my pocket. Would you mind reaching in and pulling one out? See, my hands are all covered with fingers. That's the whole thing. There's something, something peculiar about this man. Look, he's wearing an iron watch chain and it's six feet long. Oh, that's all right, Abbott. He's got a police dog in his pocket. Pardon me, sir, but what are you doing here at the racetrack? Oh, I own the racehorse, Num Scull. My wife gave him to me for my birthday. Your wife gave you a horse? Yeah, she didn't want me to have anything sharp. Your wife must write your jokes, too. You haven't had anything sharp in the last two minutes. Oh, boy. Gentlemen, I've got to go now. I've got to hang up my horse. Hang up your horse? Yes, he's a mustang and he must hang someplace. I'm the guy for the United Nations Conference. Is it elegant? No, it's a problem. Oh, come on, Cassell. Let's take a look at his horse, Num Scull. He may be just the horse to lose your money on. Oh, Stella. Cassell, here's Marilyn Maxwell. Why don't you look pretty, Marilyn? That's a lovely dress you're wearing. Oh, it's just something I threw on. You must have flown a curve. Mmm, you smell good, too. Oh, that's my new racetrack perfume. Chanel, number eight to five. Had fun in the movies last night? Yeah, I thought Ray Malan was wonderful in that picture, California. But I think you have a much better-looking map. Then Ray Malan? No, then California. That daffy guy's horse, Num Scull. Num Scull, this is Marilyn. Cassell, here comes Mrs. Wetwash. This is Num Scull. Num Scull, meet Mrs. Wetwash. I have a horse. You know I love horses. Oh, can't get any men to go out with, huh? You for making me run in that claiming race. I hope you notice that I won. Yes, I also notice that nobody claims you. Mrs. Wetwash, let's go make a bet on Num Scull. See you later, Lewis. Hey, look, Cassell. There's our pretty little Philly. She cost $3,000. Her name is Minyan. $3,000 for a Philly Minyan? Mushrooms and french-fried potatoes. Look at the next doll, Cassell. There's the mare with a colt. The mare has a colt? Yes. Well, if he's got a colt, why don't somebody give him a handkerchief? Get him some four-way colt tablets or something. No, no, he doesn't need tablets or handkerchiefs. I'm talking about a colt. That mare has a colt. The trainer will take that colt and teach it to run. They've got to teach a colt to run, naturally. Brother, when I get a colt, it runs all by itself. Ah, don't say that. Look, hey, look, Lowe. Here comes the groom with the horse's bridle. He's getting ready to lead her away by the halter. Havett, stop the wedding. Stop the wedding. Sure, by the time the horse's groom leads the bridle to the halter, that colt will start running and she'll sneeze right in that groom's kisser. Come on, Cassell. That's the post call for the last race. And you've got to bet on a loser to get rid of that money. Remember your income tax, Havett. I'm going to bet it all on Numskull. I've been looking up his form. He's got to lose. What does the form say? Well, it says he was beaten at Santa Anita. He was an also ran at Tanforan. He came home in the dark at Hollywood Park and showed a weakness and a preakness. Don't worry about no income tax. That's it. It's a qualification. Something like that. They busted Gertie's corset. And here is the judge's decision. The officials are putting up Numskull's number. That, Cassell. Numskull's number is up. So is mine. I'll get trashed. Here I come. Number four, camo cigarette. During the war, the makers of camo cigarettes sent a total of more than 150 million free camos to our fighting men overseas. Now free camos are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camos go to Veterans Hospital, Louisville, Kentucky, USAF Station Hospital, Bowling Field, Washington, D.C., U.S. Naval Hospital, Santa Margarita Ranch, Oceanside, California, U.S. Marine Hospital, Mobile, Alabama, and Veterans Hospital, Northport, Long Island, New York. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week. Our rebroadcasts to practically every area in the world for our men are steel stations and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And now, back to Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Well, Costello, you didn't succeed in getting rid of that money, did you? So now, you've got to pay income tax on it. Oh, I don't care, Abbott. I'm a happy guy. I'm always happy in the springtime. Say, that's right, Costello. Next week is the first day of spring. I have an idea. Let's get together next Thursday and plant a nice garden. I'll help you sow the seed. Sowing the seed? Yeah. What's the matter? Is it torn? No, wait a minute. Don't start that. Good night, folks. Good night. Good night. Listen to Amit and Costello next Thursday when Costello plants a spring garden. Don't miss it because Bud and Lou are going to do their famous sow the seed routine. If you want to give your pipe real pipe appeal, pack your pipe with Prince Albert. Yes, just see if Prince Albert doesn't make your pipe extra appealing because it combines rich, full-bodied tobacco flavor with cool, tongue-easy mildness. Prince Albert is specially treated to ensure against tongue bite and crimp cut to burn slow and even. So pack your pipe with good PA for pipe appeal. More pipe smoke Prince Albert than any other tobacco. Saturday night here Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry, the rollicking, foot-tapping fun show that stars Red Foley, singer of American folk songs and his guitar. Don't forget that Saturday night on NBC for Grand Ole Opry with Red Foley, the dukka-pa-dukka and Minnie Pearl. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Amit and Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarette. And remember, experience is the best teacher. Try a Camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking Camels than ever before. A universal international picture, buck privates come home. Michael Roy in Hollywood. Wishing you all a pleasant good night for...