 Back to Community Matters, I'm Jay Fidel. It's the four o'clock block here in Honolulu, given Tuesday. And we have Monica Parkin. She's an author. She's also a keynote speaker. She joins us about her keynotes and about her book, which is, I shortened it. I said introverts are people too, but it's a much longer there. It is overcoming awkward in the workplace, which is very important for a lot of people. So welcome to the show, Monica. Thank you, Jay. I'm happy to be joining you here from Canada. Yeah. Well, I was telling you before the show, I love Canada. I've always loved Canada. I love Canada since the first time I went there, which was in, it was a long time ago. It was in 1962. Oh my goodness. I didn't even exist on the planet then, but you're aging yourself there. Yeah. Anyway, so Vancouver Island is near Vancouver. And you're, you've written a book and you do keynotes on, talk about the keynotes first. It's very interesting to identify yourself as a keynote speaker, which, you know, I assume you've done a lot of keynotes and I want to know what is the keynote and your definition, what kind of keynotes have you done and how can we all be keynote speakers like you? Yeah. Thanks, Jay. I'm going to start, I guess, with your first question is, you know, how do you get to be a keynote speaker? And I think it's a very long, slow journey. Like I think people think, I'm just going to start talking and overnight I'll get all these jobs and I'll be asked to speak and, and the reality is that, you know, it was probably a five, six, seven year journey. It didn't happen overnight. It started with, you know, dropping into that first toast master's meeting, being terrified to talk, you know, learning how to speak, growing my skills, and then doing little, you know, little presentations at local community events, things like that. And gradually, I guess, as I did those things, the invitation started to come in to do other things. And then those things lead to more, it's like that whole domino effect, right? In the beginning, you're doing all the stuff, just giving away your time, which, which privilege to do, to just learn to speak and develop those skills. And then those things lead to another thing, which lead to another thing. And then, man, writing a book opens up a whole new level for, for keynotes, because, you know, people pick up the book and then they see that your keynote and they want to hear more about the ideas in it. So what do you speak about? A lot about networking for introverts, because that's the topic of the book. And it's a really for organizations, it's something, you know, 50% of the population almost is introverts. And, and so a lot of my audience, I guess, is people in sales and marketing, realtors, mortgage brokers, people like that, they need to get out and build business and so geared at the introverts who maybe aren't comfortable just walking around a room, shaking hands, handing out their card. That's not their, it's not their jam, right? So talking to them about alternate ways to market themselves. And then the other half is, is organizations that employ introverts or have introverts and how do they make space for them and their organizations? Like, how do they create a space where, because what we figured out what the research says is that introverts are actually really good in business if they get to do things a certain way. And so it's finding a way to integrate them into teams so that they can have a voice and add value to organizations. You're driven on this because I caught this from your write up, is you were, I know it's as hard to believe, but you were once an introvert. Yeah, well, I mean, at my core, I still am after I'm done this call, I'm going to get my pajamas and I probably won't talk to anyone for 24 hours because I will have trained my social battery, but I'm no longer a fearful introvert. I actually refer to myself now as an omnivert, right? Because I feel like I can flip back and forth between that desire to not talk to anybody and actually looking forward to meeting people and making connections. Well, we are talking before the show. And one thing that struck me in my law career and certainly in this secondary career is that your success in business is directly proportionate to your ability to talk. And that, of course, means talking in the workplace, expressing yourself in the workplace. And it also means talking in public because if you talk in public, you get much more leverage out of whatever you say. So tell me, do you agree with that? And would you expand on it? A hundred percent and not just the ability to talk because, you know, we all know how to speak like how to. But how do you take those ideas and turn them into something that people want to hear that's interesting, that's engaging? And for me, what I figured out along the way is it's about telling stories. Like, if I can take an idea and then turn it into a story, that's what really captivates an audience. That's what they really want to hear, whether it's an analogy or metaphor. But if I can say this is a problem and then this is a time when I solved it and then take them through the story, then, A, it's easy for me as a speaker, because I don't have to memorize anything. I'm just replaying something from my memory that happened to me. And for the audience, it's it's powerful because they can feel what I was going through. And when you feel something, you remember it. When you remember a speaker, that's where that magic that you're talking about happens. Right. You know, you just gave me an idea. I want to express and see if you agree with that, too. You know, if I'm in a group of people and I'm and I'm into one-liners, you know, any young men, one-liner jokes, that sort of thing, I can get cut off and somebody else can have greater gravitas. And and what is exactly the difference? I mean, why does this other person have the have the greater gravitas and my one-liners get cut off? And I think it's because of this. Let me throw it at you, because if I'm in the middle of a story and this and I haven't gotten to the end of the story, I haven't made my point yet. I haven't come to the conclusion or the lesson of the story. Nobody wants to cut me off. They want to hear the rest of it. And so one-liners, you know, don't work well in the face of somebody who has a meaningful story. Am I right? You nailed it. I never thought of it that way before. But I think you are absolutely one hundred percent right. And as humans, we just all want to hear stories like when you stop and you start telling a story, like everyone leans in, everyone wants to hear the ending and you're right. I think those people that really know how to work a room, cultivate connections, build relationships. They know how to tell stories in one way or another. And so what's the difference between a keynote or telling a story and working the room, so to speak, and say a political speech or a speech in an academic setting or I guess any other kind of speech to inform or to impress? What's the difference between a keynote and working the room story or speech or remarks as against various others? Could you distinguish these things for me? I don't know if I can actually, but I teach public speaking to a group of a group of air cadets once a week. And, you know, we talk about those different kinds of speeches, right? There's that informative, there's the entertaining, there's the persuasive. And I think it really depends on your audience, you know, there's some audiences that you may be doing kind of an informative keynote. You know, maybe you're teaching something to a large group, but for the most part, I think it's that inspirational persuasive thing that's happening at a keynote and you're wanting them to leave feeling inspired, wanting to hear more, wanting to go look up whatever you're offering and to dig into more information as opposed to just teaching a skill. You know, I was watching and I hate to admit this, but I will. I'll say this was watching Seinfeld earlier today. I love Seinfeld Seinfeld. And it points out to the entertainment venue, the entertainment model that you talked about. And that is in all of humor, there is tragedy and there is truth. And if you can get to that, if you can hold your hold your your story long enough for that, people are going to be very touched by it. They're going to remember it. They're not going to interrupt you. They want to hear they want to hear the tragedy and the truth. So I guess what I'm asking you and I know you include this kind of thing in your key notes is where does humor fit? And how do you handle it when you are making any of these speeches? Yeah, that's interesting because people often tell me, oh, my gosh, you're so funny. I enjoyed that. And I'm like, I don't know what I said. Like, I don't know what was funny. Like, I don't I don't recognize my own humor. But but I but I will walk away from key notes and people say like, I can hear the audience laughing so you know what you said was funny. But I don't always I don't always do that intentionally. But I know that it happens. But and I think it's really important to break that tension. And just like kind of like a Disney movie, you know, when a Disney movie, they build up the tension, they build up the tension, they build up the tension, then they let it go. I think a good keynote does that, too, right? They like, here's a problem, here's a problem, here's a problem, here's a solution. And and it builds that dramatic tension in the audience. That's a lenient, let's them really find out. And then you, you know, you let it go with a laugh or you solve the problem or whatever. And then and then you start again, right? It's this this peak in the valley and the peak in the valley. And that's what our brain preys to our brain doesn't just want the same staticness all the time. You know, I studied speech for one semester in college. That was also before you were born. And and one of the things that we studied was the 30s, you know, because FDR was a great speaker and there were many great speakers. And for that matter, Adolf Hitler was a great speaker. And one of the things they did was, you know, they they understood their audience, they understood the pacing, the rhythm. They understood when to be quiet, when to let it sink in. And I wonder if that applies to a keynote also seems to me that, you know, you always have to have the music of the language, the the pacing, the phraseology. It's not just the words. It's the way you deliver the language. And sometimes you have to stop and let people think about it and then go on, am I right? And this is always or just sometimes I think you're right. And it was one of the hardest things for me to learn. I don't know if you've noticed, but I can be kind of a fast talker. And I tend to rush through those things. And one of the best advice I ever got from someone was like, just stop, pause, let the audience just hear what you've said, absorb and then move on, because you say something funny, you drop something important, you get to this important space. And then you rush on before they have a chance to absorb it. Like they're missing out on your message and it doesn't have the same impact. And what feels like a long pause to you feels really short to your audience. Like I was always I was told by that first person, like take a breath, count to two. It feels like a long time to you. But for your audience, it's time for them to like process what you just said, and it's important. Yeah, I was with radio before I got into video. And the manager of our station was always present when we were fundraising. And on a given Saturday morning, we sat there, a bunch of us at the table and he said, this quarter where we spent 15 minutes pitching, trying to raise money on the radio. He says, this quarter is going to be a really big one. OK. And why is this remarkable? It's because he was gauging what we were saying as against the audience he imagined that was out there. In other words, he was such a pro that he knew what the audience was thinking because he was listening to what we were saying. He was hearing it on their behalf. Now, I think that goes to the question of trying to figure out what kind of reaction you are, in fact, getting in a personal venue where you can see them, feel them, you know, the the sweat of the grease paint and the roar of the crowd, you know, you can see them. And you can, you know, evaluate them. But, you know, electronically, you can't necessarily see them. On the other hand, he could and he knew what they were thinking and how they were going to react and how much money they were going to send in. Do you believe in that? Yeah, I think a good speaker has to be a good listener, too. Like you really do that ability to read your crowd and read the audience. And, you know, am I losing them? Are they looking away? Are they looking at their phone? Are they leaning in? Am I getting too serious? And sometimes you have to shift direction mid presentation, mid keynote, mid speech. Sometimes what you think you're going to do, you're like, ah, they're not they're not feeling this. This crowd isn't like I had it almost like a comedian on stage has to figure out if their jokes are bombing. I think as a keynote, sometimes you have to go, you know what, they're not they're not loving this direction. I need to I need to go another way. And it sounds like that person you're talking about had that ability to really look out into the audience and listen and and gauge what was going on in their head based on, you know, their facial expression. And and even like right now, you're looking at me nodding, right? I know that I'm resonating with you, but but yeah, it's and it's harder to do virtually like I've done two years of virtual presentations. And when you're speaking to like 100 faces with no sound, they're all muted. Like it's really hard. It's harder because you can't hear the laugh or the nod or the whether you hear a nod, but, you know, like that, you know, it's hard. Must give you a lot of gratification. And, you know, it's worthy because you know you're more than just one person sitting alone on the planet that you're having an effect on others. There's a gratification in having an effect and sharing your thoughts, sharing your lessons, whatever it might be. So I admire you for that to say that you are a keynote speaker. Not everybody can do it. And that moves us to the second part of our discussion, the book, the book of introverts, of course. So you're motivated, at least by the fact that, you know, you're a bit of an introvert and you needed to help people. I think that's part of it. You wanted to help people and show them the way, show them how they could, you know, function better, especially in a workplace where life really counts in terms of their careers and their earnings and their relationships with people around them. So, but in your words and your view, why did you write this book? Why this book? Yeah, I actually, it was the middle of the pandemic, right? I had an extra little bit of time. I'm sitting home one day and I saw this book writing challenge, like write a book in 30 days. And I was like, well, I got some extra time right now, but I don't know what I'm going to write about. Like I have no idea. I had no idea what I would write about. But the first assignment was what is the challenge that you've overcome? What is something that you've overcome that you'd like to share with other people? And it just came, like it just popped into my head. Like this has been the biggest challenge of my life is overcoming this social awkwardness, this shyness, this introvertedness. And I have overcome it and I do have something to share. And I remember how I did it. And there was steps and there was actionable things. So that's going to be the book. And that's kind of how it, I didn't think, I'll book up one day and go, I'm going to write a book about being an introvert. I said, I'm going to sign up for book challenge. And then the assignments led me in that direction. How did you organize it? Well, if I look at the book, how am I going to find it organized? Where do you go from what to what? It kind of starts a little bit as a memoir. So it starts as this is my journey. This is me. I walked into a career that I had no idea required networking. I decided to become a mortgage broker. I did not get the memo that like that required marketing and networking. I thought I'd just be sitting at home in my home office crunching numbers, right? So go to school, get certified, find an office. And I'm like, okay, give me some clients. And they're like, I know you're going to have to find your own clients. And then that first networking event that I went to, and I was just so terrified in fact, that I turned around and came back out and sat in my car for half an hour before I got brave enough to go inside. So it starts with that memoir of these, these things that I had to face and overcome, and then it leads into like, well, how did I do it? What were the baby steps? And then, you know, the joy of learning about building relationships and how much relationships are part of business. You know, we think it's just about products sometimes, but really no one buys something based on the product. They buy something because of the relationship that you have with them. You know, I practiced law for a long time and the mantra was real estate is not about land. It's about relationships. In fact, everything is about relationships. Everything comes down to relationships and I didn't know how to build them. I didn't know how to keep them going. I had to figure it out. And once I did, I was like, this is the best thing ever. This is like magic. I went from having no files, no clients don't know what to do to literally I just get up in the morning and there's new clients there every day. And when I have problems to solve, I rely on relationships to solve them. When I, you know, it all came back to relationships, relationships, relationships. So in order to have a relationship and this goes especially for electronic relationships, which are in some ways easier, I would have to say, but in some ways harder, you have to open yourself up. You can't be a phony. You got to be the real deal. You got to let that person in your head and you have to extend yourself to find out what's in that other person's head and come together somehow be two human beings on the planet who have a, you know, a connection. That's not easy, but that's part of it, isn't it? You 100 percent nailed it. In fact, and I swear, I keep saying you 100 percent nailed it. That's my phrase today, but you're just resonating with me. Like I'm just sitting here nodding my head. Everything you say, I completely agree with. But one of the things when I was first starting out and I'm like I'm buying leads and advertising, nothing's happening. I went to some of the people in my industry that were really successful. And I said, like, what's the deal? Like, how do I get busier? How do I get clients? And they said, just be you, like just be your authentic self. And I was so mad. I was like, this is crap. Like they don't want me to be successful. They're just feeding me this stupid phony line. But then I asked another person, the next person said the same thing. And the next person said the same thing. And finally I was like, you know what, maybe maybe there's something to this. Like, and then I started to be a little more vulnerable. I started to show the side of myself that I hadn't shown people before and be a little more authentic in my communications. And then all of a sudden, you know, cool stuff started to happen. And and you know, they weren't making crap up when they said, be yourself. Like it sounded kind of hokey advice, but you know, there's really something to it. Yeah, you have to have to find out the way it works with you as a special case. But let's look at the dark side for a minute. There are people who will turn you off. There are people who don't want to talk to you, don't want to resonate with you. They don't care about you. They're mean. I mean, I could find some other adjectives that are more explicit, but not in public and and and very hard to connect with them. They don't listen. They don't give you a chance. How do you deal with them? How do you deal with them in the book? How do you deal with them in the workplace? Yeah, with two things. So one, if it's a client and they're angry and they're mean and they're nasty, I've got a whole chapter about that. And the reality is that usually when people are angry, that anger is actually coming from fear. There's something they're afraid of that they're reacting to because they can't use that fight or flight reflex and fight the saber too tighter. So they're fighting you verbally. And if you get curious and ask some questions, you can usually find out why they're afraid. And if you can find out why you can solve the problem, you solve the problem, now you're friends. And then there's the people that are just jerks for the sake of being jerks. And and those times I just tell myself, you know what? You stay in your lane, they'll stay in your lane. There's a whole another world of nice people out there. Leave those ones for somebody else. And I just try not to spend too much time on those. Yeah, you move on. There's better ways to spend your time. I mean, that's the world not only in business, but in humanity. There's going to be a certain percentage of people who want to connect to find the nutrition and connecting. And there's other people who you can never connect with. And frankly, you don't want to. Yeah, they don't have nourishment in them. They and they only have a bad a bad result. They're not going to buy your products either. That's right. Yeah. And in a lot of ways, you are the sum of the people that you spend the most time around. So like choose to spend your time around people that, you know, that make you feel good that that, you know, that you resonate with that you have similar values to you spend out your time with people that are angry and shallow, you're going to start to feel angry and shallow after a while. And this leads me to talk about, you know, the the hierarchy. In other words, in a given office space situation in a given work environment, there are some people on top and there are some people, hopefully, below you too. You're you're in a vertical integration of some kind. So what's your advice in terms of breaking these walls down of having a non introvert kind of relationship with the people on top and the people on bottom? Yeah, I use this analogy because I'm in real estate. If I've got this house in my neighborhood, right? And it's this beautiful house and there's nicer houses and there's less nice houses in the neighborhood. If I looked across the street, you know, my neighbor's lawn has been mowed for a week because they broke their their leg or whatever. My property's value starts to be affected by that, right? The people that are doing well drives up my property value. The people that are doing poorly drives down my property value. So I need to make sure that I make that whole neighborhood look good, that I help out the people below me, the people above me, that I get involved in my community, my industry, because all that stuff flows back to me. So it doesn't matter where I am in that ecosystem. I need to make sure that I'm getting involved and I'm nurturing all the pieces of the ecosystem and not just sitting in my own self-absorbed little bubble because those things actually affect me as well. Yeah, you want to feel good when you come home every day, for sure. I suppose, does this apply in a family setting too? Does this apply to people who are really close to you? I think it does, yeah. Well, I mean, there you are in Vancouver Island, which has happened to be maybe one of the most beautiful places in North America. When I say North America, I mean everywhere north of Venezuela. And, you know, it's a beautiful place. And I told you before, I love Canada. I like and largely because I like the people in Canada. I have I have friends in Kelowna, you know, Kelowna. I do know Kelowna. I've been there a few times. Is that right? I talk to them all the time. Yeah, I just love Canada. And I love the people because they are sweet and because it's easy to break those walls down with Canadians. But if I take you, if I transport you on a journey to New York City, to Wall Street or Midtown Manhattan, the people are a little different. They come from a different world. They are a different world. It's what makes Sammy run kind of world. Very ambitious, not particularly caring or friendly. I mean, there are those who are, but, you know, the general culture is way different than Vancouver Island or Kelowna, for that matter. So my question to you is the principles that you have learned and lived by and do keynotes by and write books about are they the same everywhere? Would they be the same in Wall Street? Would they be the same in LA, for example? I think so. I think they're core human values, right? They treat people around you the way you want to be treated, grow your community, grow your industry and listen deeply, like just building up listening skills, like spend less time talking about yourself and more time hearing other people's stories. And the idea that people notice people who notice them, like pay attention to other. Like if someone sends me a review or says, oh, my gosh, you are awesome. I want to get to know more about them right away. So like be that person that notices other people and they're going to notice you. And that's true for anywhere you live. You know, people want to be noticed. They want to be heard. Is it true for any language? And one of our staff is from Montreal, I think, and he's French and his first language is French. So would it be the same for him? I don't know because I only have one language. I live in Canada. I'm not bilingual, but I think that, you know, the human connection is universal. Really, I don't I don't I think it passes language. OK, I want to talk about, you know, the book itself. And this this may be a surprise to you. Since you have it, I'd like you to open it to any page. OK, and read us your prose. I would like to hear your prose and do it at random. OK. Then you started calculating your paycheck. When you did, you started to decide what the painting was going to look like before the clients had even given you their vision. That takes a beautiful painting and turns it into something grotesque that will give you the paycheck, but may not result in the right outcome for them. So what I'm talking about there is your client walks in the door and you start thinking about the commission before you've even talked to them like you taint the whole experience when you start going to change, change, change instead of thinking about like, how can I serve this client? And that's where, you know, magic happens. You know, Monica, I'm a computer guy. And back when I practiced law, I wrote a little program that went on the screen of my computer in my office. And when the client came in and he sat down in the client chair, I would push a button on my keyboard and it would start doing kitchen, kitchen, kitchen. That's awesome. People reacted to that. It was really funny how everyone reacted differently. But the point is that it was it was funny, but it was not necessarily endearing. It was endearing only because it was funny. I was making fun of a fear that they had. Yeah, I was punching through that fear. And we had we had such a good time with that. So I want to talk to you about, you know, your next project and where this goes. Is this are you now are you now a permanent career keynoter? Are you now a permanent career author writing books and filling up the pages of Amazon? What where are you going with all this? That's a good question. I really don't know. I'm waiting for the next opportunity that the universe drops in my lap. I'm going to wait and see what it is. I've really enjoyed writing the book. I've really I mean, I'm really enjoying speaking. I got to be honest. So I've been doing so many of these interviews and podcasts and TV shows. I I am so exhausted. I'm like, I'm just done. I want to take a month off. So I think once I take a month off and I I don't know, I really, really enjoyed this today. I'm not as excited as I was about it two months ago. You know, the novelty is kind of worn off and I'm ready for maybe I need a Hawaiian vacation or something. Well, part of that, I think is, you know, my own experience is that living in a time of COVID and living in a time of, you know, violence in Europe, you know, it does have an effect on you to be in a world that where you're unsure of the future, either on a public health level or on a world order level. And so I guess I would ask you whether those things affect your thinking, whether those things affect, you know, your state of mind right now and how you see the future for yourself, for the world, for the combination of you and the world. Yeah, for sure. I think on a subconscious level, all that stuff affects you. One of the things that I've tried to or the skill sets I've tried to pick up during COVID because I've had all this free time is this idea of mindfulness, this idea of not time traveling. So not going back and rehearsing the past, not projecting to the future and thinking about what might happen, but actually just being present right here right now in the moment because I can't control what's going to happen. I can't control what's already happened. I just, you know, and to control my little bubble, like maybe I can't control what's in Europe, but I can control how I interact with the people in my bubble and then they're going to interact with their bubble. And, you know, in doing that, we kind of expand our world without, you know, getting on a flight and going to Europe. But just for me, it's just trying to stay here today in this moment, not getting in the time machine and thinking about all the things that might happen, just trying to control what I can control. Okay, all that considered, but speaking, your personal journey, the book, your view of the world, as tempered by current events or not. What's your advice? What's your, I hate to use this word because I know in the Commonwealth, this word has secondary meaning. What's your takeaway? I don't mean fast food either. Yeah, my takeaway, I guess, is the connection matters. You know, I used to be someone that ran from connection. I didn't want to get to know my neighbors. I didn't want my kids to have friends over. I might have to get to know the moms. I wouldn't talk to the clerk at the grocery store. And I lived a really isolated life. And, you know, I've got to a point in life where I love connection. I look forward to it. It's some of the greatest joy in my world. So if you're one of those people that's afraid of connection, you know, I challenge you to just make one more little connection and see what value it adds to your day. Well, Monica, it's great to talk to you. I can, may I say this? I feel the connection. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for coming out and talking to us. I really appreciate it. Monica Park and keynote, we should all admire keynotes anyway and authors. And we should admire authors too. And we should encourage Monica to write more books and make more speeches and share her monow, which is a Hawaii word meeting wisdom with everyone. Yeah, it's been an absolute pleasure. And you're a wonderful interviewer. Thank you for a great interview. Thank you. Aloha. Aloha. Thank you so much for watching Think Tech Hawaii. If you like what we do, please like us and click the subscribe button on YouTube and the follow button on Vimeo. You can also follow us on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and LinkedIn and donate to us at thinktechhawaii.com. Mahalo.