 Welcome to Spark of Humanity, a production of Spark of Humanity Network. Today we're talking about wounds. I'm sure everybody can relate to wounds. I know I can. My name's Maura Quinn. This is Martha Holden. She'll be our guide today, and always. And this is Ann Wade. And right now we're going to talk about wounds and how you can use your spark. The spark of humanity is, you want to go, we, everybody, every human being has a spark of humanity. Everyone you meet, everyone you think of has a spark of humanity. Sometimes we're afraid our spark might be damaged. We're afraid it might be put out, but it can't be. The spark is unextinguishable, if that's a word, but our sparks can be defended. Let's point of illustration. This is what it looks like, a spark is defended, your spark may be baffled. I like to think of these little lines as being like a funhouse mirror that's been broken, and it's sort of like shards, so you're not getting an accurate reflection, shattered, that's right, shattered, and the spark can be baffled. Kind of like being in a fog. And sometimes, I think at least for me, to some extent always, all three defended, distorted, and baffled, and sometimes so much we're not even aware that we have a spark, but we always do. And the reason we're talking about this is that it offers a way to talk about emotional things that get in the way of our using, claiming our spark of humanity, and using it to connect with the spark in someone else, which can strengthen their spark and transform their lives. This is people we like and care about, as well as people we don't like. We all can use some transformation. The wounds, I don't know why we use that word, but it's a word, are what happens to things that hurt, and in response to the things that have hurt us, we feel baffled. Our bafflement, why are they treating me like this? The moment we slide out from the womb, what are these lights, what's going on here? And there's a bafflement, so how do I make myself safe? How do I gather a sense of security? So how do I change how I act so that I can feel safe? Yes, Mark. Would you describe wounds as suffering? If there's suffering, and then there's the transformation of suffering, and the spark of humanity can help you in claiming your spark of humanity, recognizing another spark of humanity so that you don't just want to explode, recognizing their spark of humanity no matter how much they might drive you nuts, or just really hurt you, hurt your very foundation. I was saying to Martha that this week Senator John McCain died, and I like John McCain. I think he lost his way at a certain point, but I did, and the disrespect that I felt that came from our president, and the presidency is an office that I respect the presidency in the United States, but this person that occupies the seat of the presidency right now, I was so angry and hurt and disgusted, and I was talking to Martha about it. I guess it was Sunday night, and I said I was aware that I needed to claim my spark of humanity so that I didn't get just lost in that anger and that upset, and it helps me to find a way to find serenity, I guess, or find a balance maybe? A center? A center? Yeah, because I felt so off and so angry, and it brought back after the election, and it brought back during the campaign and the disrespect that I felt that was shown by that fellow, and yet then he wins the presidency, and all of that upset and disbelief, that bafflement, that distortion of how can this be, and that defensive of, you know, I don't, I don't know. How do I claim my spark there? How do I use this spark of humanity to help me center myself, to help me feel okay? We've got a few minutes, which is good, because this is nothing that I can answer quickly or easily, so it's a matter of teasing it apart, teasing the situation apart, using it as a case study. Do you resonate with us, Ann? Yes, I do. Okay. I mean, at first I was so upset, I thought that the president obviously doesn't have a spark, but then I was, everybody has a spark, no matter how... Right. Defended. Defended. Distorted. Distorted. Or baffled. Or baffled. They are. The spark is there. And yeah. So this is good. I'm going to see whether we can tease this apart. This is good. This is good. Gradually, because this is, this, this defended, distorted baffled is a model that just came up in doing the spark video and the spark booklet, and you know, maybe it doesn't work, maybe it falls apart. It's a model. We're trying it out. We're seeing whether it works. The nice thing about it... It does work. That's the thing. It does. I don't know why, but it does. This part definitely works. That's for sure. So we can start with perhaps the, here's the distorted baffled defended spark. And the thing that has interested me is that the, the defense is, it's always two boxes, and there's the inner box I think of as being defended against myself, being defended against my feelings, trying to defend. When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time telling myself, in bed at night, I remember, don't do that ever again. You know, you can't do that. You can't trust that trying to bring myself up so I'd fit into the family system so I'd be okay. And I was defending, trying to defend myself against my own errant actions, against my own feelings, against my, just, I felt I needed to have an internal secret police keeping watch over me. You're looking puzzled. You did not have the... No, no, no. I'm just thinking that it's because who told you it was bad? It's because somebody told you what you did, like you took, you took your sister's, the, you know, you took the icing off the, my brother did this to me. He took, I had a hostess cupcake and I took off the icing to save it for last and, and, and I ate the cupcake and then while I was eating the cupcake, he reached across and grabbed the icing and ate it. And I said, hey, and he said, sorry Charlie, and that was it. Now he should have been told that he was wrong and he should have been wrestling with himself that night saying, oh, what a bad boy I am, but I don't think that he did. And that's what brings me back to Trump. Okay. So I'm thinking about Trump. He's like, what a bad boy, but he got it. Maybe, maybe. Right? He got my icing. Maybe that night you were saying, I need to remember never to take the frosting off my cupcake when my brother's anywhere near. Maybe. There's that because it's self-protection that's not, we can't change anybody else except by engaging their spark. So it's, it's good to remember there's always a positive that we can do once we get to be willing to do it. But it's hard when you're really mad at somebody and really feeling a despicable. Well I still remember it and I was probably 11, I'm 57 now, but I love my brother very much. Got it. I could talk about brothers' cupcakes tubes. We're not going to get to know what this is about. So are we, okay, so what we want to look at is how you, your internal structure that makes it, in that situation, when you're upset about, you're already grieving because of John McCain's death. Yeah. Okay, so you're already sort of maybe off balance because of that because you cared about him? Yes. And then the president's response is not as you wish it had been. Yes. You didn't like it. That a decent human may have had. May. May. Yeah. Somebody else would say, which is something else because someone else that was sort of a Trump fan was saying, oh John McCain isn't going to invite him to his funeral. And why would she die already? They actually said that. Why should? I wish he'd die already because he's being. This is a friend of yours. A friend of yours was saying this. Yes. Well, not a relative. A relative. An in-law. Okay. It's the same wishing that Trump, that McCain would die already. Yeah. Because he was just being a bother. See, it's a tough one, isn't it? No. So much is that it makes me more sharply aware that the concept of having a spark of humanity and everyone having a spark of humanity and people being willing to do the work to get in touch with their spark of humanity and use those as agents of transformation rather than being swept away by their attitudes, their anger, their... Upset. ...bafflement, their upset. The distortions that come on the, I think, bafflement and then the distortion to deal with the bafflement, we turn ourselves into people that we weren't created to be. Yeah. We turn ourselves into malicious, blaming, judgmental, sharp-tongued, resentful. Thank you. Yeah. You know, we turn ourselves into those people because that's how, that we feel, we, on some level we feel we need to do that, we need to become like that in order to feel safe in our families or our circumstances. It's reactive rather than responsive and it's, yeah, it's like I don't want to be that ugly. I don't want to be that... Right. So, yeah, yeah. It's like it turns back on me, doesn't it? And so when we're that, when we're that have that knee jerk, anger, hostile, blaming, you know, throwing it back in their face sort of thing, we don't like that. It doesn't feel right, but that's who we've learned to go and there's just so many people that are not in touch with their spark. Right. And because they're not in touch with it, they're just... They're living in their distortion. Yeah. And then they're defending it against themselves, against the awareness that this isn't who they truly are, and they're defending against it. What do you mean I'm not okay? I'm fine, just the way I am. Yeah. I like, you know, why doesn't he die already? I'm deplorable. Or deployable. Deployable? Deployable. Deployable. But they're, yeah, or that they are the way they are and that's the way they need to be and, you know, shut up and I don't want to hear your touchy-feely, sparky crap. Exactly. Exactly. Right. Yeah, which is, for me, because I'm a coward, one of the reasons I like. No, she's not. I like the spark of humanity program, the discipline, the practice, because it's something that, the person that I'm deploying it against, deploying isn't the right word, but the person who's spark I am, my spark is connecting with, maybe, yeah, maybe enhancing I'm connecting, but they are transformed from the inside without knowing it. And they, there's no defense. Kind of like turning the other cheek. But you don't have to do it physically. You can do it from the comfort of your living room. True. And without them ever knowing who did it. Yes, this is true. You know, the FBI and all the other secret spook agencies. I don't know their initials anymore. There's no way that they can defend against an active, plain spark. Yeah. So it's a stealth weapon of peace and transformation for the person who uses it, we've discovered, as well as for the person who's spark you're affirming. Because you're also kind of affirming your own spark. Right. You're reclaiming your humanity, your spark of humanity. That's right. You're reclaiming that from this angry person who's just being reactive and how dare you type of a person. Because nobody wants to live that way. It's miserable to live that way. But there are a lot of people who are so used to it that they don't recognize it's still miserable. Yeah. Or how miserable they make other people. Right. Yeah. But who cares about other people? Am I miserable? There are all the various forms of addictions and compensations and coping things we use so that we can ignore the fact that we're miserable. Yeah. I don't care. We don't care. Right. I remember 30, 40 years ago people were going on and talking about, you're a miserable sinner. And I'd say, well, I might be a sinner, but I'm not miserable. I'm not going to admit I'm miserable. And I think that that's a defense. That's a defense against outside, avoiding stimulation, denial, avoiding situations, not watching television. I just want to read the newspaper so that I won't get that distorted, angry part of me will not be triggered. But I think really claiming and growing and strengthening your own spark helps it to it won't be triggered. That's right. There will come a time if it's like you're practicing with the key to mastery is repetition. Right. And in time, if you just keep in there, if you just keep showing up and saying, okay, because it's going to flare. I had an encounter. I had an experience with a co-worker. And we had, and I even had to, I send her off a letter and I was clear about how I felt about what had happened. And at the end of it, I said, I guess we both have a spark of humanity. And sometimes when sparks come together, they flare. And that's okay. I would not say that the spark flares, but the distortions, all those jaggedy crunch into each other. And that's, yeah. Yeah. And that's painful. And it's on the outside. Yeah. Everything around it. Right. Because it's all that stuff that's traveling around it. It's like, what's here? There's a certain purity there. There's a certain essential being to it and essence to it. And all the rest of it is just spinning around it, you know? It's sort of like the planet with the molten core is, you know, and then all this geology around it is the same general model that the center is okay. And you're being often quiet. I'm listening. And I'm also thinking like how, in practice, you know, to claim your spark, should it be every day or to be in touch, to check in, make it a practice so that your practice is a good idea. I find that when I'm thinking about the day ahead, which I'm usually still in bed or back in bed when I'm thinking about the day to come up, I think of everybody who I'm likely to encounter. And I connect with my spark and connect and affirm their sparks. And so it's like priming the pump, the conscious pump, so that when I'm encountering people or if I'm encountering them, I'm engaging their spark, which is, it's a gift to me because it gets me out of my crazy head. Yeah. More directly and more cleanly and without all that spinning around. When I was with this person the other day, she actually came in spinning a little bit and I just sort of sat back. And I didn't get, I didn't engage. I didn't engage because to me it seems like with the distortion and the bafflement and the defense, those are engagements. I engage in defense. I engage in that. And the defense is so that I won't engage, so I won't feel the pain of the distortion. Yeah. So I don't have to deal with the bafflement. Yeah. I'm upset. My feelings were hurt. And that's part of, like, I struggle because I'm a nurse and part of my inability to go back into facilities and I miss my nursing, but there's so many people that I had to work with that don't care. And it just bothered me so much that, you know, it's hard to find caring people, especially in healthcare, and it was just too painful. But I didn't know anything about the spark then, so maybe if I'd have known that everybody has a spark and I was able to get through to some of my nurse's aids and, you know, by showing them the difference of providing care in a loving caring manner, but, I mean, I can just see how it would have been really useful for me when I was working in the nursing home. Starting the shift, the staff gets together before the shift starts, right? Yeah. And just have the staff together go through every patient, thinking of them, connecting with the spark. That would have made a huge difference. Every patient on the floor, it's, and so that, I find it useful to me because I often think that I'm fine just the way I am. We actually know better, but, you know, that's still a default of mine, so thinking that I'm, you know, if I were working for you on the floor, thinking, okay, we're going to, you know, now we're going to focus on business McGillicuddy's spark and now Mr. Tomasi's spark and doing that, that activates my spark. So that's giving me a stronger position, a stronger balance to go into the shift. So yeah, that could work. I'm thinking of particularly in the nursing that you say they don't care, but I'm sure they do, but along the way your defenses had to, because I know when I was in news, I could not do my job and engage as a human sometimes as how I would normally feel if it was just like, oh, something happened to you. I'd be like, oh, Martha, are you okay? I can't do that right now. I have to think about getting the truck someplace or getting a satellite someplace or having some time or getting a reporter there or whatever for the nursing people. They need to think about, I need to make sure this is taken care of, that's taken care of. And sometimes it's got to be especially emotional. You know, these people are so vulnerable and if you let your vulnerability come out, you can't do your job. Yeah, there is, and maybe burnout, we would use that term, but I think it's not just in nursing. No, it's not. People are burnt out on so many different things. My suspicion, I don't know, because as I said, we're just exploring these concepts. And the spark, yeah, okay. Right, because if my spark is fed, if I'm making sure, and that's my sense of how I strengthen my spark, so that it's willing to engage the difficult people so it has the strength. Yes. My sensation is that my spark has roots, people say sparks don't have roots, but my spark feels like it has roots to pull in the nutrients that it needs, to make the connections it needs, to pull in the wisdom and the strength and develop the community to be able to be a strong, resilient spark. And then, if I'm taking care of that, then I think there's no burnout, although there can come a time when my spark is saying, this is good, I'm strong, I'm resilient, I'm connected, I have community, it's time to get another job. You know, it doesn't mean that you have to stay there forever. Right, right. But, you know, to leave because you just know that it's time to go. Because sometimes it's just time to go, right? But if you do strengthen your own spark, and you are in that position of care, whatever you're doing, if you do strengthen and claim your own spark, it helps, like you say, it really does help bring it forward. And sometimes there can be a person in a place, and they're dealing with the same craziness that you're dealing with, and yet they seem to be okay. And there always seems to be something calming about them. And that helps to calm me because I think, okay, okay, the world's not ending. You know, I'm not going to lose my, it's going to be okay. I mean, I remember when I was new in the business and everything seemed to go wrong. And I remember calling back and I thought I was just going to get chewed out, like crazy, and that was it, I was done. And I was just told, come on home. And it gave me such a shock because normally this person wasn't the one to say, just come on home. But I think they knew that I had given my all to it. And sometimes things don't work out. Sometimes bad things happen. And that's just life. Right, yeah, so taking care of yourself. Right, taking care of your spark and claiming it, and by paying attention to my spark, I'm less likely to be kidnapped or held hostage by my stories up here. Yes. And my ideas in the O&D are awful or what's going to happen or they're going to get me this time. Yeah, you'd go crazy too if you went through what I went through. Right, because I find that I have a tendency to narrate my life and it's never a good thing. It really isn't. Because I'm looking for, you know, getting some emotional feedback here, some emotional goodie and that, that's one of the ways that my inner defenses are trying to sort of make it seem okay and make every sort of normalizing, but actually it's better for me to be working with my spark and becoming aware of the distortions and lessening the baffle month. Accepting, acceptance is a great tool for dealing with baffle month, you know, this is the way it is. I don't need to figure it out. I don't need to wonder why this person responds this way. They are baffled, they are distorted, and they have defenses. It happened. It can't unhappen. I can take action going forward, but I can't recreate, you know, I can't change the plan my spark and I can connect with their spark and know that that's something constructive. To have a constructive point of engagement in a situation that's painful and scary is liberating. Yeah. Yeah, it's like that guy you could never stand to work with and then you had to come together in something and you're like, oh, I guess maybe we can go for, I mean we can do this together. Right. You know, sometimes the world works in strange ways, I mean there's all sorts of paradoxes in play, but you kind of need them. It's like you need uncertainty and certainty, you need to feel significant and connected at the same time. You know, it's crazy. Keep on doing it. Keep on playing with the spark and going. So we've got about a minute left. We've got something to say or a question or something. And God, I just, I mean is there, yeah, well, yeah, yeah, actually yes. I mean, I mean, there, yeah, but I mean, I'm going to have a flare up. It's okay. That's my initial reflex, but I don't have to take actions to continue the upset and the hurt. Focus on what I can focus on that can bring some of what I'm looking for. It's like you need to be the change you're looking for. And if I can be a knowledge, my spark, acknowledge that there's a spark of humanity there and try to grow it and strengthen it, maybe I can help be the change that I want to see in the world. And that could be, that sounds good. There you go. That sounds good. We don't need anything more than that, right? Right. Well, thanks for joining us and come back later. Done. Done. Good to be there. Yay. Good timing.