 The Jack Benny program presented by Lucky Strike! Sixterbondi-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-mongli-monglili! Old Deniligan! Let that famous chant remind you, Luckies pay more! Yes, at the Tobacco auctions, Lucky Strike pays millions of dollars more than official parody prices for fine tobacco. LSMFT! LSMFT! Lucky Strike means fine tobacco! Tobacco that's smooth, mild, and mellow! But take the word of an expert, a man like Mr. C.B. Smith of Danville, Virginia, for 30 years an independent tobacco buyer. Recently, he said, I've spent my entire life in the tobacco business, and I can tell good tobacco at a glance. And year after year, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by fine real quality leave. I've smoked Lucky's myself for 29 years. And Mr. Smith is only one of many experts who smoke Lucky's. For a recent survey, reveals that more independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers, and warehousemen, smoke Lucky Strike regularly than the next two leading brands combined. So take a tip from the experts for your own real deep down smoking enjoyment. Light up a truly finer cigarette, Lucky Strike. Remember, Lucky's pay more, millions of dollars more than official parody prices for fine tobacco. Good reason to make your next carton, Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, last Sunday, Jack Benny did his first broadcast of the season. Of the entire half hour, Jack was only on for four minutes. This week, he's going to try for eight. And here he is, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking. And Don, I don't want to sound like a ham, but I think it was awful that on our opening program last week, I was only on for four minutes. Well, Jack, you may be interested to know that letters have been pouring in, commenting on your brief appearance. Really, Don? Now, what do they say? Life can be beautiful. Don, Don, I suppose you thought that was pretty funny. Oh, yes, I did, Jack. As a matter of fact, I made that up myself. Oh, you, uh, you made it up yourself, huh? Yeah. Don, excuse me a minute. Hello. Is this the unemployment insurance office? It is. Well, you can start making out a thin check for a fat boy. Goodbye. And now, folks, for the remainder of this program, we will struggle along without the services of Mr. America, North, South and Central. So getting on with the show. Wait a minute, Jackson. Hold on a minute. You can't do that to Don Z. Do I hear a voice from NBC? Phil, did you say something? Certainly I did. What are you mad at Don for? You don't have to get sore just because somebody else gets a laugh. We've all got to make a buck, you know. Well, Phil, well, we got to look out for our future. I ain't worried about myself or Mary Dallas, but what about the rest of the game? Phil. You know, we'd all like to have a few luxuries, you know. I mean, let us live a little bit. Phil, as long as the rail is pure brass and they don't run out of olives, you're happy. Now, Don. Yes, Jack. Believe me, Don. I don't care who gets a laugh on this show. It's just that I think it's time that the star is shown a little more respect by his subordinates. Subordinates? Yes, that's what you are. You, Don, Mary, you're all subordinates. Now let's get out. Hello, Jack. Hello, Phil. Hiya, sub. Sub? Yeah, Livy. Ain't you heard? You're a subordinate. Subordinate? To whom? To the little man who we only needed for four minutes last week. That's to whom. Now, kids, I'm sorry I started the whole thing, so let's forget it. Oh, Don. Oh, excuse me a minute, Jack. I'd like to say something to Mary. To me, Don? Yes. I want to congratulate you on being selected as one of the 10 best dressed women in America. Oh, yes. Congratulations. Boys. I bet you were thrilled, weren't you, Mary? Well, I certainly was, Don. I thought it was quite an honor. Hey, Liv, let me get this straight. You were picked as one of the best dressed women in America. Uh-huh. On what Jackson pays you? How can you afford to dress like that? My mother used to be a cigarette girl at Cyril's. She was not. She was, too. She was known as No-Change Livingston. Oh, well, I apologize, Mary. Hey, Livy, I just thought of something. You know why Gypsy Rose Lee didn't enter the best dressed women contest? Now, why? Because she couldn't bear to lose. Oh, Harris, you may only be a subordinate, but that joke alone will run for four minutes. It will if they don't open the window. Now, look, kids. Kids, tonight we have a very important sketch to do, so let's get on with it. Tonight we're going to present our version of that famous Metro-Gowan mayor picture, Edward, my son. Now, in this sketch... Pardon me. Come in. Hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, Mel Blank. Hello, Mel. What can I do for you? I just dropped in to see if you had a part for me on your program today. Oh, I'm sorry, Mel. I don't need any extra actors today. Oh, but I can make the listeners think you got a lot of stars on a program. I can imitate Humphrey Bogart, Clark Gable, Edward G. Robinson, and Al Jolson. Mel, believe me. Believe me, I don't need an extra actor today. I'm sorry. Okay, but gee, I don't know what to tell my wife and five daughters. You have five daughters? I also imitate Eddie Cantor. Oh, get out of here. Now, let's see. Where was I? Oh, yes. In our sketch, I'll do the part that was played by Spencer Tracy. And Deborah Carr's part will be played by you, Mary. Now, wait a minute, Jack. Why don't you give Mel Blank a job? He won't charge you much. Mary, look. Well, you told me yesterday you had a part for a Western Union boy. Look, I filled that already. Now, Dennis, Dennis will play the part of Edward, my son. And Don... Jack, before we go any further, don't you think we ought to do the commercial? Oh, yes, you're right, Don. L.S.M.F.T. Now, let's get on with the show. Wait a minute. You can't say L.S.M.F.T. and call that a commercial. I've got the sportsmen quartet here, and they're all prepared. They've prepared a wonderful song, April Showers. April Showers in September? Don, that's not appropriate. That doesn't fit our program at all. Ah, Jack, don't let that bother you. The boys can give you anything you want on the spur of the moment. They can ad-lib. What would you like? Well, we should have something to fit in with our show. Like tonight, for instance, we're going to do Edward, my son. Edward, my son? Well, that's simple. Come on, fellas. Give him something on Edward, my son. Charlie, my boy. Oh, Charlie, my boy. He'll thrill you. Charlie, my boy. The shivers of joy. Boy, that song is too old. He is the kind of sort of Charlie, my boy. Look, I don't want that. I want Edward, my son. Edward, my son. Edward, my son. Oh, Edward, my son. We'll change it, arrange it, and here's how it's done. Instead of Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, my boy. We'll make it Edward, Edward, Edward, my son. We want to please you. It's all in fun. Boy, what about the commercial? Edward, my son. Oh, the commercial. Lucky's pay more. Yes, Lucky's pay more. So try them. Just buy them at your favorite store. You'll find that Lucky Strike's a great cigarette. It's made of fine tobacco best you can get. You'll know that Lucky's pay more. Yes, Lucky's pay more. So round and so firm and so free on the drawer. Drawer. Or he can smoke in pleasure and for real fun. You said it. Just try a Lucky Strike. You'll say that's the one. Charlie, my boy, or Edward, my son. Who? Edward, Edward, my son. Well, that was simply wonderful. Amazing. I mean, what other quartet could have taken a song like Charlie, my boy and switched it completely to Edward, my son? Yeah. Now get them out of here, will you? Okay, you better sit down, boys. Hmm. And they can cut that out too. That hasn't gotten a laugh in three years. Now come on, kids, let's get out. Excuse me. Come in. Yes? Telegram for Jack Belly. Right here, boy. Boy? Jack, that's Rochester. Why is he wearing a Western Union outfit? Never mind, Mary. I'll take the Telegram, boy. Here you are, sir. You can go now. Wait a minute, Jack. So that's why you wouldn't hire a male blank for the messenger, boy. You made Rochester do it. Rochester, you can go. If that ain't the silliest thing I ever heard making Rochester an actor. I wouldn't laugh so much if I were you, Mr. Harris. What do you mean? As soon as I learn all the lyrics, so that's what I like about the South, you're a one-show man. Rochester, go already. Goodbye. Oh, say bye. What is it? After I drive you home from the studio, can I borrow your car and have the rest of the evening off with my new girlfriend, Susie? Well, I guess so, Rochester, but be careful this time. The last time you drove up to Mulholland Drive with Susie, the car broke down. You were stuck up there for six hours. Yeah! And now, kids, getting back to our sketch, Dennis will play the part of my son. Where is that kid? Dennis! Oh, here I am. Come on out here. I can't. Why not? Before the show, I was playing poker with the musicians and I lost my pants. Stop being silly and come out here. Okay. Imagine such a... Dennis, why do you make up things like playing poker with musicians and losing your pants? You're wearing pants. I know, but they're not mine. Sammy the drummer lent them to me. So? But he's such a big fella. How come his pants are so tight on you? The piano player lost two. He's in here with me. I can't understand what makes you act so silly. Well, that's not my fault. My mother dropped me on my head when she was burping me. Oh, when you were a baby? No, last night. Now, look, Dennis, don't say another word, will you? Do it for me. Just sing your song. That's all... Hold it a minute, kid. Come in. Yes? Special delivery letter for Jack Benny. I'll take it, mailman. Thanks. Now, Dennis, I'll read this letter and you can sing your... Dennis, why do you look so puzzled? That mailman was dressed in a Western Union outfit. I know, never mind. And he looks exactly like Rochester. I know, Dennis. He talked like Rochester, too. I know, I know. Gee, that Mel Blank can imitate anybody. Go ahead and sing your song, will you? Very good, Dennis. Yeah, that was swell. Mel, haven't you gone home yet? No, I'm waiting around to see if you've got a part for me in your play. I told you I have nothing. All the parts have been cast. Now, go away and leave me alone. Gee, I don't know what to tell my wife and four daughters. I thought you had five daughters. I played poker with the musicians. Well, all right, Mel. Look, Mel Blank, look, there's a small bit in my sketch. You can play the part of Harry Simpkins, my business partner. Now, go ahead, Don. Introduce the play. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, our version of Metro Golden Mare's sensational film success based on that great English play, Edward My Son. He's only a year old and he has a full set of teeth. So that's where they are. I've been looking all over for him. How does Daddy's baby feel on his first birthday? The gloop gloop? Yes, Deborah, but I wish his head didn't come to such a sharp point. Well, at least it saves us a price of a babysitter. When we go out at night, we just stick him in the wall. Quite ingenious, rather. The gloop gloop gloop. Deborah, why is the baby's diaper so tight? There's a piano player in there with him. Well, that must be Harry Simpkins, my new partner I spoke to you about. Isn't he the man who was sentenced to hang for murder and was pardoned three minutes after the trap was sprung? Yes, but don't say anything about his long neck. He's sensitive. Oh, I shunt. You shunt? And don't mention the 11 prison terms he served for robbery. Come in, don't stand there in the fog. Hello, Spencer. Hello. This is my wife, Deborah. Hello, Harry. So nice of you to come over for Edward's birthday. I wanted to get a bottle of champagne to celebrate, but the liquor stall was open. That's Harley Cricket. Here's, Harry and I made lots of money and we were able to pass most of it. Then one day I tipped off Scotland Yard about Harry and they came and took him to jail. I know I was... That was made Sir Spencer Bold. There, Deborah, five candles. Isn't that a beautiful birthday cake? Yeah, but it's five years old. We're rich now. Can't we afford a new cake? No, we can't. Why can't we? Because we can't. That's why we can't. Why spawn money foolishly? I'm saving every penny I make for Edward. By the way, Deborah, where is the little blighter? There he is in his crib. He shouldn't be in his crib. Today is his fifth birthday. Come to daddy, Edward. Goochie, goochie, gooo. Goochie, goochie, gooo. Say daddy, Edward. Say daddy. Uh, gloop. He said daddy. He said daddy. Now say daddy again. Uh, gloop. There. There, he said it again. He said it again. By the time he's ten, he'll be talking. Not unless you buy him Edgar Bergen. Candles on your cake. Put on your fingers, Edward. It'll be easier. Eleven, twelve. Now go on, go on. Keep counting. I can't. That's all the fingers I've got. Well, take off your shoes. You're loaded down there. This is Edward's fourteenth birthday. Don't you think it's time we sent him to school? Well, I'm not sure. Perhaps we should consult his nurse. I'll call her and see what she thinks. Oh, Constance. Constance. Here I am, your lordship. Uh, Spencer. What is it, Deborah? We're so rich now. Don't you think we get the nurse a white dress instead of the Western Union outfit? Later. Now, Constance, I wanted to ask you if you think Edward is ready to start school. Well, I don't know, your lordship. You see, he can't take care of himself. I still have to give him his bath every day. Which reminds me, Constance, is it true that last night when you were giving Edward a bath, you held his head under the water ten times? Yeah. You may... I know, Jack, I made a mistake. Yeah. You may go, Constance. Better luck next time. Now, Edward, we're thinking of putting you in school. Well, if I go to school, can I take my frog along? Yes, yes, you can take your frog. The next day, we went to school. We took the entrance examinations. Edward didn't pass, but the frog did. He went by the head and stuck him in the second grade. With Edward in school, my incentive to work was greater than ever. I made millions in Piccadilly at nine. That isn't quite the same. I just said that. I thought I heard it. You'll hear it again at 9.30. But, Deborah, you can't imagine how much I've missed my boy since he's been away. Sometimes I... Oh, there's someone at the door. I'll get it. Wonder who it is. It's me, Edward, my son. Edward, it's you. It's you, my boy. The apple of my mind. The pride of my life. The one I've dedicated my whole existence to. I've worked, struggled, and fought my way to the top so that you can have the better things of life. And now, now you've come back to me. And you've come back... Make yourself comfortable. Take off your hat and coat. Lord Boll? Yes? Are you the father of Edward, my son? Yes, I am. It's my unpleasant duty to inform you that you're... Never mind that. We're not quite clear on the details, sir. All we know is that Edward bailed out. Bailed out? What happened to his plane? Oh, he wasn't in a plane. He was in a submarine. I understand. You do? Quite. So my son Edward was drowned. Yes, but we saved the piano player. Huckies pay more. Yes, at the tobacco auctions, luckies pay millions of dollars more than official parity prices for fine tobacco. Let's imagine we're at a tobacco auction. Look, there's aisle upon aisle, lined with baskets of tobacco ready for sale. And now at this moment, the bidding begins. The chant of the auctioneer rings to the rafters. And as the basket of particularly fine, light mellow leaf comes up for sale, the price climbs higher and higher. And now at the peak bid... It's all American. And another basket of fine tobacco goes to the makers of Lucky Strike. Yes, luckies pay more. Millions of dollars more than official parity prices for fine tobacco. LS, MFT. LS, MFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Fine tobacco that's light and naturally mild, that gives you more, far more, real, deep down smoking enjoyment. So light up a lucky. Prove to yourself how much finer, milder, more enjoyable luckies really are. You'll agree in all the world there's no finer cigarette than Lucky Strike. Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you'll tune in again next Sunday as we're going to have a special program with special guests, including Amos and Andy, Red Skelton and Edgar Birkin. And let me see what else. Oh, Gloop, Gloop. Huh? Tell him, tell him. Oh, yes. Don't forget to listen to Edward my son in a day in the life of Dennis Day. Good night. This is CVS, the Columbia Blockcasting Company.