 65 The Jack Benny program transcribed presented by Lucky Strike If smoking plays your spot you seek our perfect lucky strike There's better taste in every puff enjoyment you will like Honestly, Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette Now take the smoking tip from us and you will surely say For better taste the smooth and mild go Lucky Strike today You bet Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette Friends think about this for a moment taste makes a big difference in smoking enjoyment And Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette Yes, better and here's why Fine tobacco and only fine tobacco always gives you the enjoyment of a truly better tasting cigarette An LSMFT Lucky Strike means fine tobacco So for everything you want in your cigarette be happy go Lucky make your next carton Lucky Strike You will agree Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette Lucky go Lucky Strike today Remember Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette In just a half hour Jack Benny will do his television show but right now it's time for his radio program With Mary Livingston Phil Harris Rochester Dennis Day and yours truly Don Wilson Ladies and gentlemen as there are only two more programs left in the current Lucky Strike series At this time I would like to pay tribute to a man who for the past 37 weeks Has brought joy and happiness into millions of american homes. Don't forget the 569,000 trailers too A man who's with charm and personality have endeared him to the hearts of his public keep going Don. We have a half hour A man who every year at this time picks up our options and here he is Jack Benny Thank you. Thank you. Hello again. This is Jack Benny talking and Don Since you brought the matter up. I suppose you received the contract. I mailed you for next season Yes. Yes. I did Jack and I'm not quite satisfied with some of the clauses After serving you faithfully for 17 years I'm surprised that you had the effrontery to present me with a contract That was not only insulting but relegates me to a position that no self-respecting man would accept Well, uh just what is your complaint mr. Wilson? Well, now here's the situation jack You get a lot of laughs at the expense of my being fat Uh-huh and this year my weekly salary has been at the rate of two dollars a pound Uh-huh So I think it's only fair that next year I get three dollars a pound Three bucks a pound Don I wouldn't give you three dollars a pound if all your fat was trimmed off and you were hanging on a hook Anyway, the raise I offered you was as high as I can go now. What do you say? I can't sign the contract now jack. I'll have to talk it over with a little woman Oh, you and the little woman. Haven't you got a mind of your own? Yes, but I respect my wife's opinion I'm very devoted to her. I see after all I'm home with her every day except sunday. Well, I can fix that too Now look don I've been very fair about this whole thing and I oh, hello, Mary. Hello jack What are you talking about? Oh don isn't satisfied with his new contract for next season. He isn't no Oh my goodness and after all you've done for him. Well, that's the way it goes married There isn't much gratitude in this business why don't wilton you ought to be ashamed never mind mary never mind Thanks just the same by the way. Have you read your new contract? Yeah, what are you trying to do bring back slavery? Oh, so I'm going to have trouble with you too. Now. What's wrong with your contract? I don't like clause seven Clause seven. Oh mary. It only happens around Thanksgiving. I don't care if you buy a turkey kill it yourself Mary can I help it if I'm sentimental You're not sentimental when you pay for a whole turkey. You hate to chop anything off Oh stop sentimental you even use the head for badminton I stopped doing that I couldn't stand the way it came over the net staring at me Anyway, mary, you you've got a lot of nerve complaining about your contract after all you jackson. How you don't live there Hello, hey fellas about time you got here. What made you late? Well, it ain't my fault jackson I had plenty of time to get here, but just I left the house alice fainted. Oh my goodness. That must have scared you to death No, no, it happens every time I kiss her goodbye Oh brother, that's what she said as she hit the floor Phil you really have that effect on alice jackson. She won't even let me shave with a mirror. She don't want my love divided Phil if I paid you by the pound your head would ruin me Now look Dennis isn't here yet to sing a song so pick up your baton. Let's have a band Jackson I ain't making with that downbeat till I talk to you about that new contract You sent me my lawyers don't like it. Your lawyers. Who are they? Kerchie, gimmick, Fletcher and Fink Well, Phil just what is it you and your lawyers object to in the contract? We don't like the clause that says I got to get to bed on Saturday night before 3am Well, it's for your own good. Phil after all you have a program to do on Sunday I want you to look bright and fresh. I know but if I lose that red glow in my eyes, I ain't got no personality Phil I've been playing badminton with a turkey head for two years and it looks better than you do Either way I shouted that gag it should have got a bigger laugh Anyway, I'll talk to your lawyers about your contract later, but right now. Let's have a band number Okay, Jackson. What would you like to hear guy lombardo, but I'm stuck with you Go ahead play anything. Okay. Okay. Hey, wait a minute Phil. Hold it. The quartet just came in and we can have the commercial now Don what song are the boys going to do? Well, they've prepared a number from guys and dolls called if I were a bell Oh, you mean the one that goes uh ask me how do I feel ask me now that we're cozy and clinging Well, sir, all I can say is if I were a bell I'd be ringing I Love that That's a wonderful number, you know, well jack they rehearsed it, but I don't think they're gonna sing it Why not they're not too happy about the new contract you sent them and five years with you and you won't even give them a raise Well, don't whether they like their contract or not They're still working for me and I want their number right now. All right, but they're still mad at you Well, isn't that exasperating Tell them tell us to sing tell them to sing and I don't want to hear any more about it. Okay fellas, you better do it Well, I'll say they better Ask us now that we're working for bed. All we can say is we can't save a diamond since we carried this heavier load Boy if we were a tree we'd leave Or if we were a bomb we'd explode and we'd choose lucky strike for a real smoking play We can say it's the one cigarette and they are mild and they're light Has a taste that's all sung by the sports madman quartet And accompanied by phil haras and the sweetest music this side of spike jones And now ladies and gentlemen. Hey, well, you've been picking on me and my musicians. Why don't you leave the boys alone just once? Especially on this of of all days Well, what's what's so special about today phil? It's patrillo's birthday Patrillo's birthday Happy birthday phil believe me. I don't enjoy and selling your boys, but look at them No jackets. No ties collars open. What a way to come to a broadcast Jackson. This is the middle of may the weather's hot They're just trying to keep cool trying to keep cooling Then why is bagby your piano player wearing gloves because you don't want to leave these fingerprints on nothing They haven't caught him by now. He's safe So will you do me the courtesy phil of asking sir charles bagby to remove his gloves when you're banned to company's dennis day in a song Say jack, where is dennis? I don't know, but I hope he gets here pretty soon I want to talk to him about his new contract for next year. Uh new contract for dennis I thought you had him signed up till he just fades away I have mary, but I added some new clauses. Hey, levy. You should have seen the clause He sneaked into my contract never mind. What was it phil if I ever find a dime before I can spend it I gotta call jackson and find out if he lost one Well, I just did that for a gag. Where's your sense of humor? Hey, maybe that's dennis. I'll get it Hello, oh mr. Benny. There's Rochester Rochester. What do you want? I've been listening to the Well, Rochester, you've been working in my house for 14 years and I feel that there's no necessity for a written contract Now everything is perfectly clear and we have what is known as a verbal agreement Now that means we have a mutual understanding why put things on paper the amount of money involved is too small You'll be taken care of and believe me, Rochester. There's no necessity for a written contract Your attorneys, who are they? Remus beamus callaway and smite Oh, well tell Remus beamus callaway and smite to get in touch with kerchie gimmick fletcher and think Let them handle it. It's the same firm. They've got a branch on central avenue Rochester, you've got nothing to worry about. I'm giving you a substantial raise next year Yes, you know what the word means, don't you? I ain't a literate. I'm scared to go Well, you're getting it. So don't let it bother you. I'll see you later. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh say boss Now what are you still gonna have company for dinner tomorrow night? Oh, yes, I'm glad you remind me Rochester, you better run down to the store and get a leg of lamb a leg of lamb. Why don't you get a turkey? Why after dinner they might want to play bad. Oh, just get a leg of lamb and a small squab Goodbye I don't know what Rochester's worried about. I've always taken good care of them. Hello everybody. Hello, Dennis. Hi kid Dennis, how come you're so late? I was out in the hall reading my contract with the new clauses in it Oh, then you got the contract. Yeah, this is one Irishman who ain't smiling All right, Dennis. What's wrong with it? A lot of things, but especially clause g Oh for heaven's sake, Dennis, you don't have to worry about clause g until you're 65 I know, but why should I give you 10% of my social security? Because I'll be 72 then and I'll need it That's why jack I can't understand you. You've got a ridiculous clause in my contract, too What's he got in yours, Liv? Whoever gets married she has to buy the ring from him Oh Mary if your sister babe ever finds a man who will marry her Not only will I give her the ring free, but I'll play. Oh promise me at the wedding I'm sure that Kenny Baker Kenny Baker, what does he want? He found a dime. Can he spend it? Going on the phone, you and that smart alex sound man You came in late, but we won't discuss that now. Just sing your song. I'm not going to sing till I get a better contract What's the matter with everybody? The quartet didn't want to sing. You don't want to sing. What's gotten into you? I know my rights. I've been speaking to my lawyers Your lawyers Who are they beagle bagel cream cheese and locks? Bagel cream cheese Beagle bagel cream cheese and locks bagel has a hole in his head Dennis I've given you your chance. I'll get somebody else to sing. Oh, that's what you think You can't get anyone else to sing on such short notice. Never mind that Say Phil, won't you come with me twirl the family? Let's go Bob Crosby's rehearsing down the hall go over and get him gladly Jackson gladly On second thought maybe Mary better go. You might run into an old corkscrew, you know Mary would you mind going bob Crosby's in studio b. Oh sure jack Gosh cbs is crowded on sundays Hello amos. Hello, andy. Hello gracy. Hello, george. Oh, here's studio b I think this is where the Campbell soup program is rehearsing Oh, there's bob out on the stage. All right fellas, let's go through that number one There's a moon will say you're my gee bob. That was a beautiful song. Well, thank you You know, it's amazing. I close my eyes when you sang and you sounded exactly like america's number one crooner No kidding did I sound that much like gary? Jack would like you to step over to our studio. You know, that's a coincidence I was just going over to see him myself. You know, I'm a little peeved at them You know, he's making it hard for me to sing Well, I don't understand. How can jack make it hard for you to sing? Well, I can't hit the high notes anymore He puts too much starch in my collars It's Rochester's fault jack's the rough dry man Hey bob, he'd like to have you sing a song on his program today. Yeah, right now Okay, say fellas. I'll be back in a few minutes. All right jack studio is right down the hall bob I know but uh just a second. I've I've got to do something Uh Bob Bob you punch a time clock kind of embarrassing having to punch a time clock Yeah, brother ever it's always pushing us around. You know sometime. I'd like to get even with him. Oh, we shouldn't complain about relatives because Say I just got an idea is evert married. No, why will I have a sister who's single too? Look mary. I just want to get even. I don't want to get ahead of Here we are And furthermore denis. I think you should know that oh, hello bob. Hello jack. Did you want to see me? Yes, yes come right in by the way. Do you know any of my gang? Sure. Where's don wilson any place you look Rob hi you fill said you pay your respects Yes, my boy sang it a few moments ago Bob this is uh, this is denis day. Well, it's a pleasure to meet you denis. I've got two shows. What do you got? Well, I've got three brothers larry evert and daddy warbucks Hey, that's pretty funny Mother and clancy here Don't mind him bob. He's just jealous because I want you to sing a song on my show sing. Well, I don't know jack Oh, it's strictly business bob. I intend to pay you. Oh, how much do you get for singing a song on the radio? $3,000 I'm gonna ask you that question again and this time don't add live Well, I'm not add living. That's my price $3,000 Gee Well, all good singers get that much where where who went went Jack do you want me to sing or or not? What'd you say bob you want me to sing or not? Now, don't be hasty bob now for $3,000 You sing both the verse and the chorus of a song don't you that's right? Now bob most people don't know the verse anyway What would you charge for just a chorus? $2,000 Well, we wouldn't need a whole chorus. You see the sportsman Quartet just saying how much would you charge for say 16 bars 1500? Gee, that's almost a hundred dollars a bar and they're worth it dad You keep out of this bob. Can't you give me something a little less expensive? Well for 10 bucks. I can crack my knuckles and see sharp Look, I'll tell the jokes you see Right now we're discussing business Anyway, bob we shouldn't haggle about prices in front of the audience. It makes you look cheap I'll sing your song and I'll give you $500 not me jack But bob it's silly for two old friends to argue like this go ahead and sing We can settle it later in court, you know Go ahead All right, I'll get uh, I'll go get my musicians to accompany me. Now wait a minute a little brother. Yeah Uh, what's the matter with my boys your boys? Yeah, they're just waiting for the downbeat Phil I don't want to insult your boys on this of old days But I wouldn't let your band accompany me if I were blowing a safe Now just a minute chicken gumbo There's nothing wrong with my musicians. Oh, no. No You got a lot of nerve cross be coming over to make trouble. I was asked to come over here. Who asked you? You did Oh, yes I'll give you the money you want but for that you'll also have to appear on my lucky strike television show Well, I'd love to do that jack. When does your television show go on in just about three minutes three minutes? Yes, and if you'll excuse me, I got to rush over and put on my makeup. See you later, bob Same area besides jack and me here. Who else is going to be on the television show? Well, i'm going to be on it and rochester and the greatest golfer in the world ben hogan No, ben. Yes bob, and it's a real cute show This is the way it's going to open the first scene is in jack's house in beverly hills It's early in the afternoon a lot of things happen and then I'd come in to pick up jack And we go to the country club. That's where we meet you and ben hogan and we all go out and play ball When each air forest fires destroy 30 million acres of timberland Timberland that is vitally needed to keep our country strong and to raise our production higher than ever before Most of these fires started because someone was careless Don't leave campfires burning never drop lighted matches or cigarettes put them out Remember only you can prevent forest fires. Thank you. 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You'll discover luckies taste better than any other cigarette Make your next carton lucky strike Remember luckies taste better than any other cigarette Now rochester hurry and finish making me up. My television show goes on in 30 seconds I am boys. Hold still. I've got to put on a little more makeup Close up. So I want to come up all the wrinkles. Is it dry? Yeah, but don't smile your face will crack like a sidewalk I won't I won't Oh darn it. I smiled Good night, folks That program is heard by our armed forces overseas through the facilities of the armed forces radio service Transcribe the ccbs the columbia broadcasting system