 It places you at the scene, so just call Nigel later and sort it out. Welcome to episode number 11 of the Marty and Michael podcast. Fully actual. And you can see we're wearing these shirts because... It's Marty and Michael and we're making memories. Subscribe to our fucking website, universityofmarcle.com. It's how we get this shit funded, okay? So just it supports us and also it's so much free content. We showed some, well not free content, there's so much unseen content. Five dollars is pretty free. Five dollars US, so like seven dollars Australian. We showed Matt some of the website videos and I've never ever seen him. He had tears running down his face. We did the torture video, we probably spoke about this last week. It's not, we also did a game called arse. Yeah, so we do very violent videos of the stuff we like to do and put it on the website because we can't put it on Facebook anymore. And yeah, it's a good time. It's a fucking good time. Every week we're putting a video out there like a 10 to 15 minute video. You can't see anywhere else. And like Facebook's normally three minutes. Plus that's five times. Plus you can watch, you can sign up for 14 days for free. So after 10 days, if you've watched everything and you don't like it, you can just sign out and you haven't lost seven dollars. Can they keep fucking doing that? Hopefully. I hope that they can do that. Oh my God, that sucks for us. No, I hope that they can do that. Good, that's what I would do. Just continually do that. Everyone do that. That's smart. Fuck, don't do that. You found a loophole. Damn it. No, it's seven dollars. Australian and five US. No, which is a cup of coffee. Help us out because Facebook doesn't let us do what we want to do. Anyway, week 15 of isolation. Everyone's becoming inbred now. I see posts on Facebook, families starting to become in relationships with other family members. There's, there's- It's good actually. It's good what's happening. There's mothers, fucking sons, and it's complicated changing their relationship statuses. Inbred is rife because of isolation. So get out there and just what, fuck a- Fuck a mom, fuck a dad. Fuck a sister, fuck an uncle, fuck an awe. An awe. If you've got a boat, row boat. Um, yeah, it's crazy. And fucking what's happening on this day so and so years ago? Well, all right, so- And we're making memories. I'm already in my underwear all day. That's our jingle for the day. All right, so as you know, the on this day facts, not speculation, not opinion, not just, you know, a rumor, facts. These are facts that Matthew Brown from Halsom finds. He finds them and he's, he's fine-tuned his research skills at Halsom. That's what they hire him for, to research concrete. And my God, he's flying up the ranks because his research skills are so intricate. They're so intellectual and they're just so complicated. He arrived at what, was it 4.30 a.m. this morning and started researching to find 4 facts that no one in the world knows. Was that you in my room? That was Matt. You thought it was me. I heard you screaming my name, but it was Matt. And Matt was in there researching. And this is what he found. On this day in 1981, Dr. Phil was seen pissing in a pram with his head cocked back, laughing hysterically. He fled the scene when the mother of the baby in the pram returned after ducking into a convenience store. So there you go. He wasn't, he hasn't been this fucking- Wow. A person to look up to. I'm sure he's now, but everyone makes mistakes in the early years. How old would have he have been then, Matt? 30. 21. He was 21 then. So there you go. When Dr. Phil was 21, he was pissing in prams. Was, and there was an actual baby in it. Yep. Yep. That's insane. What convenience store, 7-Eleven? They didn't have him back then. Mini Mart. No, it was like in New York. Yeah, Mini Mart. It was like privately owned. Fuck. There you go. That's hot. On this day, in 1996, a young Taylor Swift built a lair underground and would surface occasionally and snatch Asians. She feasted on their bodily fluids and used their dried out corpses as decorative pieces in the lair. Man, she sounds a bit twisted. Wow, yeah. That is like, I didn't realize that she had sort of like a race thing. Yeah. Snatching Asians. I guess they're sort of- Man, she did well. Like I guess you can come back from anything that shows. That's inspirational, if anything else. I didn't see- She was loaded before she became famous though. So that's probably why she had a lair. I watched her documentary. I didn't realize that she was like into building lairs and stuff. They left that out, but it's a fact. Matthew Brown, wholesome. Gregory. Headquarters at Milton. On this day in 1942, Hitler's erection was so firm and engorged with blood that he often used it to bludgeon disobedient soldiers and then spray them with his sick, sticky sack milk to humiliate them in front of soldiers' families. Sick, sticky sack milk. That's fucking great. I see sticky sack milk. So he's obviously- The genocide is obviously- I feel like it's like a sexual thing. The genocide. Oh God. Because it clearly was getting him off in 1942. Wow. Oh. It's confronting, but I can see it. You know, there's a lot of bad shit that happened back down. I can see him beating soldiers with his incredibly hard erection. On this day in 1985, Nicole Kidman swallowed her first born baby whole following a short battle with post-natal depression. She later admitted she was hoping the baby would grow up a bit inside her and re-emerge as a more independent teenager or some shit. Me? Well, there you go. Is that the one she had with Tom Cruise? I don't know. It doesn't say, but- She didn't have a kid with Tom Cruise, so that's probably it. 1985. She was quite young back then, I think. And was she like six or some shit? She's only like 15 years older than us. Yeah. Well, there you go. She's a bit- That's a bit fucked, isn't it? And like to swallow a baby whole, like you'd have to- The logistics, you'd have to dislocate your jaw and sort of, you know, there's a lot of stress on the- It's illegal, I swear. Yeah, well, yeah. It's crazy that Matt found that out because I'm sure if she admitted that, that she would be thrown in jail. How do you get this shit? If you watch BMX Bandits, Old Australian movie with Nicole Kidman, you'll find that all of it is referenced in there. Wow, there you go. Matt Brown from Wholesome. Gregory. Matt Gregory Brown. All right, that brings us to our next segment, which Matt has renamed. Wow, a rare renaming of a segment, Matt. Wasn't expecting that. It's been renamed to Make a stand! Make a stand and push them down! And it's a segment where we just answer questions that you guys have sent in via Instagram. Oh, that was hot, dude. That was fucking hot. All right. Is the first question. Aaron Hargis Foto has sent us a gaping asshole. So some dude wearing jeans with a rip in his jeans, and he's stretching his cheeks apart as far, exposing an incredibly gaped asshole. And he's got his question underneath. Podcast question. Would you rather a three-minute conversation with your future self or past self? Future self. Then I'll know not what to do. Past self, I'd be like Bono, I don't know. But also, you could imagine if having a conversation with 20-year-old Marty and Mike, or we could be like, boys, start this now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we could be like... But to better our timeline, we'd want to, like, in our way, go to the future so we can help ourselves. It feels like it would be, yeah, I'm pretty happy that we didn't become super successful really early on because it fucks your skull, cunt. It fucking fucks shit up. It just, you get all fucked up and everything just, it's not normal. You need to live a normal life first with a mature brain because if you don't, then everything's just twisted. I see it all the time. All the boys, it got famous super early. Look at fucking, what's that dude that Michael Jackson fucked? Nathan. Nathan Brown. Macaulay Culkin. Macaulay Culkin. Fame got to him and also a dick, but the dick wouldn't have got to him if he wasn't famous. Yeah, true. Home alone, he wasn't ever really alone. Well, Matt did find out last week that he was the one who assaulted Michael Jackson. Anyway. Yeah, you never know. Hey, it could be both ways. Anyway, next question is... Austin Rose 27. Would you rather drink your enemy's pee while they look you in the eyes or eat a bowl of your own shit while all of the girls you've ever dated watch you? I'd do the drinking the piss of my enemy. Piss is nothing. Because it's like, it's almost like... It's in the last week. It's almost like, if you nail the look, you could like, it's almost like... You don't care. Yeah, it's like an eye don't care. Nothing that you do is can affect me. Yeah. I can even drink your piss. And it's nothing to me. That's, it's like a power move. Whereas if you're eating shit, you know, and there's just a group of chicks watching, it's sort of like, oh, this guy's, this guy, something's happened. Yeah, I agree. He's had an accident and he's got some... Oh, but like, if it's every girl you ever dated, like, I wouldn't want to eat shit. That's the thing. If it was piss in front of the girls I've ever dated, I'd probably take that over the enemy. Yeah, it's definitely... That's why I've dated, like, they're gone. I've dated them, now it's done. They're done. Watch me drink my piss. They're nothing now. It was shit. Nah, nah. They're nothing. This one's from Luke and Stuff. And he said, Do Matthew Gregory Brown's Concrete Brothers from Work watch his podcasts? Matthew, do you want to take this one? Some do. Some of his wholesome employees watch them. And Matt, it's Matt's good about it. He doesn't force them to watch, even though he could. He could say, for work today. Shit! Yes! For work today, watch and listen to this podcast. He could say that. And have them fired if they didn't do that. He could have pop quizzes on our podcast. If you wanted to on fire the least. What do they think of it? But he won't do that. Ah, they think you're ridiculous. Leave funny. Ridiculous ass. Next question is from Richard underscore one, underscore one. What's the brown ring around your asshole from the poop call? Oh man, what is that? Can we look that up? From the poo boy? You know how there's like that? It looks like this. Yeah, I think what it is is like a stained skin. From just constant heavenly, if you just had a bit of shit on your arm all the time, it would after a while, it would just look stained. And it's also a different type of skin. It's like, you know, if you crease some arm skin together, it looks like it's a different color. It's got to push and suck. Yeah, it's not it's not it's not normal skin. It's more stretchy. It's tougher. It's stronger. We'll think about it. Why our lips like that, even though there's not a shit stain on them, maybe because it's a different color, fucking assholes, the entries to orifices into the body are always a different color. Look under the eyelids red. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See what I mean? So yeah, that's just a scientific point of view. Yeah, we yeah, we obviously know that very well. But yeah, what's the actual Google's fuckery of it? Matt, Gregory Brown. Awesome. All right, everyone who watches on the on YouTube will only be able to enjoy this. We're going to test our editor now and we're going to pretend that something's chasing us. So there's just a green screen behind us and we're going to pretend that something's chasing us. I reckon we should pretend that there's something chasing us. All right, good idea. In three, two, one. No. Get away. Why is it have kids? I can't. Seen. That took energy. That took energy. Seen. We'll see what happens next week. Man, that reminded me of my childhood. Hard. Now, just with your anus, your brown anus ring. I can't find any name around around it. Yeah, I'm sure there is something that it's called, but apparently it's quite normal and most people usually freak out because they tend to have anal sex and then see that it's brown and think that the person doesn't wipe properly. But it's actually just a common thing that they're all brown. Some people bleach their asshole. Apparently in the porn industry, they do tricks to make it look more skin colored. That way it looks better. It is sick, but... I guess it's just nature, right? That's just you're going to have to put out with it if you want to fuck a bum. Coming a bum. All right, next question is from Brendan Austin. Would you rather slam your fingers in a car door or put a toothpick under your toenail and kick a wall? I'd slam my fingers in. I have done it and it's not that bad. They just bend with the door and then you bring them out and it's not, they're not broken. I've had my fingers caught in a car door before and it really hurts, but I prefer that over. Can you imagine a toothpick on it? Yeah, yeah. You would... Oh, I guess it would help with ripping the toenail off. Next one is Stefan Elliott Shrek. Your name ran out. Why are you guys so stupid? I'm not... Maybe like people who don't... Get it? Have like the baseline knowledge that we do don't understand and are confused and then therefore they're confused by the intelligent things that we say because... No one's ever asked that before. I don't get that. Next question. That's rude. Wow. To Arthur Vena. How would you guys describe each other? In five words. Oh, let's go three words. It's easier. Five words is too many. Do you want me to go first or me? No, you go first. Frog Thomas Fun. I would say Michael is a Festy Sticky Cream. Festy Sticky is the sickest. Cream's not so bad. All right, test.gage. What is your favorite thing about making videos and making stupid decisions? Probably always the end result of posting a video and then seeing people say, oh yeah, that was pretty funny, I suppose. You sort of put a smile on my fucked up depressed head. It is nice, yeah, making people laugh. That's the best part. The process, we've gotten used to it, but it's not a life. It's not a life. It's quite, it's not all fucking happy. It's not all pancakes and orange juice. Yeah, it's not breakfast. There's a lot of darkness. There's lunch and there's fucking afternoon tea and dinner. There's a lot of... Those meals aren't that great. It's not... Even though you get orange juice and pancakes in the morning, the rest aren't that great. Exactly. But I must say, when you dodge death and do a stunt and you get away with it, fuck, it's better than any drug. But when your friend puts your life in danger for no reason, other than a small clip in a long video, it's hard to control a rage. Yeah, it's definitely high risk, but hey, that's what we do. Hey everyone, also, did you guys see the fly video? I'm so annoyed at how it turned out the release of the flies. It was too early in the morning. All the flies were like, I couldn't fucking get them going. They're all like crawling over the rancid meat. There was like... In my room. Like most of the flies stayed in the fucking containers. And so when the few flies came out, it looked like fucking 20 flies. When really, it should have been like 600. Yeah. There was so many. There were a lot of flies on the ground. And they get way more active during the day when it's hotter. And so like, fuck, I should have just waited, but then he would have been out and about. But I should have just thrown them in the house and then closed the window or something. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. If I had had a bender and passed out, if you had a fedny like alcohol drink. Yeah, all done on a weekend. Yeah. I was worried you were going to smell it because it was going to fuck the smell. And in the morning, there were birds circling every week. And here in the video, I'm talking like 10 crows and all these little butcher birds because they're after the fucking meat. And it was so loud. Like, yuck. Yeah. Four neighbors. I killed three of them. Food. All right. This one's from leftift. How long till Matthew Gregory Brown from wholesome headquarters in Milton gets on the camera again? Matt? Come over here. Come over here. Come on. Come over here. Get on the lap. Come and show everything. Come and show everything of you. Come and expose it. Sit on my cock. Sit on my cock. Matt Brown from wholesome. All his employees will be watching. I bought him this hat too and I bought him like eight other hats of the same so he's got spares. They'll all be shuddering all his employees. Oh, look at that. Wholesome. We had to buy a secret Santa's at Christmas time. So I bought him eight Venice Beach hats. Venice Beach. There he is. Come on. Have a kiss. Have a kiss, boys. That's Matthew. He's still alive. He's still kicking. Don't forget to, if you listen, send him a picture of your dick. Follow him on Instagram. No. Atmound. But follow him on Instagram. Matt Brown. Atmarrat. Atmarrat. Atmarrat. Atmarrat. Atmarrat. Atmarrat. M-A-T-T. Brown. And then four ones after that. All knows no full stops or anything. Matt Brown. One, one, one, one. Send him a picture of your dick or any dead animals that you come across. Everything like that straight to his Instagram. Yeah, real sick shit. Like trying traumatizing. He got a few messages last week like we asked you guys to do this. But really, let's inundate his Instagram with just fucking him up. With death and dick. Even if it's just screenshots of fucked up porn shit, I want him to throw up in his mouth. Oh, dude, that gets me off. All right, this one's from, and you're going to like this question. Yoga underscore Indra24. Why Stephen Hawking Z with an S? Because that's his fucking name. What a super question. That's his name. Well, no, the way I see it is, okay, by the books, they call him Stephen Hawking. But if you think about it. The books are wrong a bit. You know what I mean? If you think about it, sometimes the books are a bit wrong. So we've accounted for that. Well, think about it. One percent of error. You like my way of thinking is such a great man cannot be one. He's a plural. He is many. He's many hawks. He's many hawks in one Stephen. So Hawkin's Hawkins like in about it. And he's still here because he's, he lives in everything. He is the computers. He is Hawks. He will never die. He's taking over AI. He is AI. He will live forever. He is computer. He's gigabyte and Hawks. He circles the airs. He's yeah in this because there's many. Yeah, it's a plural. A great man cannot be one. It has to be a plural. He is everything. If you do, if you do acid or mushrooms or DMT, you'll see, you'll see that it's Stephen Hawkins and not Hawkin. That's stupid name. Books don't know shit. Books were written by people and people are dumb. He is a computer. They're for a plural. We are computers. Because there's many computers. We are also computers. We are digital images being projected by two very large computers. We're not even people. It's a simulation, man. It's a simulation. Check out the simulation theory. Anyway, great question. Angus Lam, do you have a disability? All right, let's take a stab in the dark at what we would diagnose with each other. Autism and asperges? No, no. If I had to diagnose you, if I was a psychologist and someone said to me, what do you think are some of Michael's mental problems? I'd say, I'd say, look, there's definitely like some. MS? That's a physical problem. Mental issues, I would say. I would say that he's on the lower spectrum of autism. He's got like a slight learning disability. And I was school captain in primary school and some a little bit of bipolar mania, you know, maybe 10% of that sprinkled on top. And yeah, he's great. This face is sort of a representation of what his mental illness is. It's like manic. It's manic and... Manic bipolar mixed with... Unpredictable. Slight autism mixed with... It's just some of the connections don't match. Yeah. It should be symmetrical like this. His are like this. They come from one side. Or it's like, they should be like this. He's like this. Non-existent. No, I reckon you're all there. You just sort of good at like acting like a psychopath. Because if you look back at school, by the teacher's standpoint, you're like the best fucking kid there is. Yeah, a lot of... Mrs. Arba loved us. I think she loved me too. A lot of, you know, serial killers and shit did all right in school. Anyway. Yeah. But yeah, we've got... I have a disability. Marcus May, question for Marty. What does Manic think of your obsession with cows? Oh, look, it's... I never spoke about this one before. Yeah, it's tough. It puts a lot of strain on our relationship because, you know, I know... No, girl wants to be second best to a beautiful beast. But like at the end of the day, every single person out there has their flaws and their pros and their cons, you know? Every one of our friends has something that... You know, their Achilles heel is something that troubles them. It's just my thing. It's my weakness. You have to take it with the rest of me, you know? It's my one thing is, you know, every now and then I lose control and blackout rage fuck a cow. That's my one thing, you know? And other than that, I'm a perfect boyfriend. So, you know, it's... We work on it. It's give and take. Yeah. And like at the end of the day, she's the sort of the compromises as long as I slaughter them after she's okay with it. Because then you won't be with them again. So it's like... And you know, because she was worried initially that it was like, oh, I've got, you know, feelings for some of these animals. No, it's just an uncontrollable rage lust. I just want to dig my fucking thumbs and push their eyes into that fucking skull and hear them belt out one last moo as my ejaculate coats their colon. Oh my God. Oh my God. It's Marty and Michael and we're making memory. Oh my God, that was one of the... That was one of the hundredth best things you've ever said. Yeah. Holy shit. The truth is funny. Moly4Tiggs underscore. How worried are you about the virus? It comes in phases. Like, depending on how I'm feeling physically, it comes in phases, but overall, not very worried. I'm pretty sure I've already had it. And, but yeah, it's just, it's just, it's more annoying than anything else because like, yeah, you don't want to, you don't want to fucking accidentally give it to your mom or someone. So it's like, yeah. And really it's in where we are. It's not that bad. I get it. It's terrible in other places, but here it's really not that bad. So it'd be stupid for us to be sitting around and worrying our fucking faces off when really it's basically completely under control here. Yeah. Well, I guess I'm not worried about the virus. I'm just worried about what's going to come after the freedoms we may lose after the virus. So prepare for them people. We're going to be microchipped. Tracked. All right. Next one is Carson the goat 11. Will you be willing to be bit by a baby gate out for a video? Yeah, that's a great idea. Well, I reckon I could easily do that. On the bomb would be nothing. It'd be cool to have like, a gators that go up in size and then see where the limit is. Like a baby gator just like a medium size one because they did it at death turns. That would fuck you up. Yeah. But a little baby one like, it would be like just lots of staples being and a bit of pressure. I don't think it'd be that bad. If we did so down for that, is that traumatizing the gator? I was just going to say that would have to be website content because if we posted that to social media, every second person here, it's animal cruelty. Do we get any hate for the flies? No. Why the fuck? I guess it's a fly. Bees though. Bees aren't much bigger. And we got the most important thing in the world. And we didn't really kill that many. Plus we created more so they could buy more. Video a long time ago. You guys wouldn't even know what we're talking about. But we did a bee video a long time ago where we were trying to support a local bee farm. And yeah, we got stung. Well, you got stung what, like 50 times or something? Yeah, 100 maybe. Okay, so 100 bees died. Yeah, but we ended up making those bee farmers a lot of money to produce a lot more bees. Because then we could buy more bee farms. Roasted, fucking roasted for it. Anyway, moving on. Yeah, we lost a few fans from Melbourne, I remember. If you're watching, which she probably still is. Yeah, when you engage with the haters, it's just like, it's just, you can't, they're just so... Makes me sick. It's like a kid on a playground that's a kid. Trying to sell it only fans. All right. You just don't want a bar of it. All right, and that's question time, dude. Should we have a skull? Yeah, go on. And we did say we'd get fucking as fucked as you could. Yeah, if I'm on a quarterly income. We finish all our angry dad piss. And now we've got just a new shit to promote, making memories from Xiaomi and our friend. Check it out. We've got our own merch, but it's not very good. So don't buy that. Why Xiaomi's merch? We're going to redo it, sorry. This shit's better. But if you do want to support us, you can subscribe to our website. Okay, our merch, I wouldn't recommend buying it. Sorry. For those of you who have bought merch, they're listening. Look, it's okay, you can wear it around and we really appreciate it, but like, come on. We need to step up our merch game and we haven't promoted our merch. There's so many jobs to do being us. Like A-R-S-E-Rs. Being arse. It's hard. What's the next segment? The next segment has been renamed and it's sort of a panicked mumbling from a mother who's being chased by someone addressed in a hoodie. Matt, I hope this one. Tried to sort of really wanted me to deliver this segment name correctly and we practiced, what, an hour and a half beforehand. That's why you were here all day. And he had like tears in his eyes early on because I was like, whatever dude, it's fine. He was upset because I wasn't taking it seriously enough. He really wanted me to deliver this correctly. So this segment name is a representation of a mother of three who's been chased out of her house by a hooded man and she's obviously concerned that her children, something will happen to them. That was beautiful. And of course, his segment is just where we open the PO box gifts. So, you know, I originally called the PO one boxing and look, we have someone has sent us in a something in our PO box. So this segment isn't just us pretending that you guys have sent us something. So don't forget, if I was a business, like we get a few listens on this now. If I was a business, I'd be like, oh, I'm going to send them something. It's a little note, we'll read it out and we'll have a fucking bit of fun with whatever you send. Just for a plug. But or you can just send us human shit. Or drugs. Or drugs. Which we have been sent before. Oh, there's three separate packages. By the way, I don't know if I should read his name now. No, maybe he wants that. Wayne. Wayne sent this. Wayne. Thank you. Thank you, dude. Marty and Michael, please open last and after you've finished filming the episode. I'm going to have to open it. That's too exciting. Yeah, we can't do that. But we will open the last. So that's last. Yeah. So maybe that one's for you. That one's for both. And this one's for me. All right, so should we open the letter first? This is very exciting. Oh my God. Great packaging, Wayne. Great fucking packaging, Wayne. It's Christmas. It's Christmas. Oh, he's got great handwriting, too. Yeah, very, very pretty. Dear Marty and Michael, I sincerely hope this package finds you well. Just in case you don't remember me, I'm the guy who sent you the Little People Big Dreams Stephen Hawkins book. I'm very glad you liked it. Wow. I did read it. This was an ad bonus watching that video for me as you released it on my birthday, practically. Whoa, it was like perfect symmetry. I thought I'd give you guys an update on me coming out of the closet to my father. Amazingly, he was okay with it. He even met my boyfriend of tears for the first time recently. Fuck, yeah. That's so beautiful. Since the last letter, I've watched almost all the fully actual videos and they are such a barrel of laughs. I see that you have recently developed a particular proclivity for the... What's that word mean? Like a particular liking for the pursuit of scientific and historical academia. As such, I believe these books will be of great interest and enjoyment for you. Open your individually named packages now. This is great. Without a respect. There's more. No, there's more. There's more. We need to just... Let's make sure we leave this one for after. Yeah, yeah. Because we love this guy. This is... This is this guy. Wow. There's more to read. Well, let's just open these first. Wayne is beautiful. How exciting. It's like Christmas. I know. Open. Oh, there's so much anthrax. Toilet trivia on this day. Holy shit. Matt, you can write a book like this one day, dude. Wow. This is fucking awesome. Thank you, Wayne. Fucking great idea. How to. That's a how to book. Absurd scientific advice for common what? For common real world problems. There you go. Dude, you are helping us like we're helping you. That is... Dude, we can probably going to come up with a lot of video ideas from that. Normally with books, the words don't work. So there's heaps of pitches in this one. So I'm going to have a good time. Thank you, Wayne. That's very thoughtful of you. All right. Let's finish the rest of the letter. May these books prove useful and entertaining during these times of social distancing and self-quarantine. I will note at this point that I am safe and healthy. May I make a suggestion to a celebrity you should contact via social media? How about Jim Jeffries? I'm going to end this letter shortly. But just remember, guys, the haters are going to hate, but the best are always going to be the best. Dude, Wayne's the best. Wait, there's more. Please extend my warmest regards to your partners, the crew and also to Matt. Now that he has a speaking role in fully actual congratulations. Matt, have a good one, guy. Thanks, Wayne. Be safe, stay healthy and smile always. You all sincerely, Wayne. P.S., as you may have noticed, this is one more final package to be opened. I would politely request you do not film the opening nor tell the audience of its content. It's nothing illegal. I'm just a modest person. I hope you like it. Yeah, dude, I respect that. Thank you, Wayne. Okay. So, Wayne, I know you asked us to open it after the podcast or cut it out. So we're going to cut it out. But we just want to say thank you to those gifts. Unbelievable. You're a fucking legend, dude. My God, thank you so much. Really appreciate that. It's amazing, dude. I'm not told so well. You did him well, you did me right. And then in between one was the perfect fucking thing. Oh, God, Wayne, I'm going to skull for you. Very lovely, Wayne. You're a lovely young man. Our next segment has been renamed in a Russian themed name. I'm in this segment where we set up a stunt. It's stunt time for Michael. So for today's stunt. Oh, yeah, I guess I'll take it this week. All right. Well, let's do paper scissors rock. I'm going to do rock. So maybe do scissors. Okay. Scissors, paper, rock. Yes. Fuck. You're good at that, man. I can't believe I got that. He set the traps up. So how does it work? So the stunt this week is I'm going to blindfold Michael and I'm going to set up these four mouse traps on the table in front of us. And I'm going to sit a ping pong ball in and around these mouse traps. And his job is to pick out the ping pong ball amongst the mouse traps. Okay. Okay. All right. So if you're listening on Spotify, don't worry. I will be awesome. I'll be commentating this the whole way. But if you're watching on YouTube, do you want me to help set them up? Yeah, why not? Why not? Have we got a blindfold for this cunt? So I've blindfolded Michael. Now I'm going to rearrange the mouse traps and place the ping pong ball in and around them. And I'm scared. It's scary when you don't know what's coming. Okay. You've got 10 seconds to find it and begin. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Oh, shit. You had it in my hand all the time. I knew it. I knew you'd do that. Now it's stunt time with Marty and Michael. Marty and Michael, we're making memory. Oh, yuck. All right. Brings us to our final segment. The prank call. It's so much worse if you don't know what's coming. Also, the prank calls are going to be uploaded separately now to our YouTube channel. So you can just go and watch just the prank calls if you're here for that. What, our actual YouTube channel? Yeah, a fully actual YouTube channel. Oh, okay. The one they're watching it on. Every now and then, if it's a really, really good prank call, fuck it. We might as well upload it to Marty and Michael. So it's like, if you don't want to watch the whole vid, and you've already seen it, obviously, and you just want to go through our prank calls. So that's what we're going to start doing as of this week, I think, or next week. So this person has lost their job because of coronavirus, and they're not sure if they're eligible for the government benefit. So I'm going to pretend to be from Centrelink and say that they are not eligible for the government. For the... And I just got away with a cheeky piss in the bottle. Fuck. Shit! Michael fell down! Michael fell down! Shit, fuck the green screen up. All right, here we go. I'm calling Adrian, and I'm Sam from Centrelink. Hello? Hello, am I speaking with Adrian? Yes, you are. Hey, mate, I'm Sam. I'm from Centrelink, and we're just doing the rounds and just calling a few people who've applied for the government benefit. Have you got a second at all? Yeah, sure. Great. So, yeah, we're just calling to give you a bit of an update. And it looks like that because you were working in the gaming industry that you're not actually eligible for any benefits. And only a rule has been passed very recently, and you're part of a very unfortunate few. You actually have to pay for your application submission. So, it's a cost of $300 of just some admin fees that Centrelink has to sort of process your application and all that sort of stuff. So, unfortunately, you're not eligible due to the industry you're working in, and you will be receiving a $300 bill for that, which I know is probably not something that you wanted to hear. Okay. So, yeah, we'll be sending that through soon, and you'll sort of have five business days to pay that. And then that sort of jumps up to, it doubles and a half. So, it'll be up to $750 there if you don't pay that within five business days. So, I'm sorry, just to clarify with you. So, I have to pay a $300, but that does that... So, what does that... What am I paying $300 for? Do you understand what I'm saying? So, go ahead. Yeah, yeah, sure. So, that just covers the admin fees, the processing fees. So, when everyone submits an application, they, you know, someone on our end has to go through and cross the I's and dot the T's, if you will. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand that. Yeah, so it's just... And that's... I'm just... No, you're all... I'm not... I'm just trying to wrap my head around what you're telling me right now is what I'm trying to do. Yeah. I have to pay a $300 admin fee, but that... So, does that mean I still get the benefit that I've applied for, or I'm not getting that? Is that what you're saying? Well, because of the industry that you're in, and you were working in a gaming room, is that correct? Yeah, correct. Yeah, so because it's gambling, anyone in the gaming industry is not eligible for any sort of benefits at all. And it's sort of... To be honest, it's a bit frowned upon that the gaming industry is... Yeah, it's quite difficult to receive any benefits at all, just because the gaming community ruins lives. So it's... Yeah, it's... Well, that's debatable, but yeah, okay. Yeah, so it's sort of... I know it would be hard to hear right now, but yeah, I've just been calling people all day and just letting them know. Like, yeah, you're... Sorry, you're not... Well, I debate the gaming ruins lives, but... Yeah, anyway, I don't want to... Well, people do get addicted to gambling, and so on. Yeah, people get addicted to alcohol, mate. Anyway, I don't want to... Yeah, sorry, I'm just... So you're telling me that I have to pay a $300 admin fee, and I'm not eligible for a benefit. Is that what you're telling me? So I'm paying $300 to not receive a benefit. Is that what you're telling me? Well, the $300 is for the application submission that you sent through. And yeah, unfortunately, your application was denied, so yeah, you won't be receiving any benefits whatsoever. So I've applied for a benefit that I'm not eligible to receive, and I have to pay a $300 fee to apply for it. And pay within five business days, otherwise... And pay within five business days. I have to pay $300 within five business days to receive no benefit at all. That's what you're telling me. Yeah, well, it's not to receive no benefit, but it's separate to the benefit itself. So you're having to pay $300 because of the application that you submitted. And it says that on the very fine print at the bottom of the website on MyGov there, it says actually that you are susceptible to admin fees. And you're adding to the problem. Yeah. Yeah, so yeah, the processing fees... So if you were eligible, yeah, it would be okay. But like I said, the gaming industry, it's a bit of a gray area. And well, it's a bit of a dark area. Yeah, I mean, I understand you're doing your job. I'm not agreeing with... I'm just... I'm sorry, who am I speaking to? To Sam. Sam? And who are you calling from? Who am I actually talking to right now? I'm very sorry. I'm just trying to wrap my head around what's going on right now. Totally. And you're from where? Totally understand. I'm calling on behalf of Centrelink. So I'll work at one on the Centrelink. So you're from Centrelink? Yes, exactly. Okay. And so you're saying my application has been denied. Yeah. And I have to pay a $300 admin fee within five days of receiving the bill. That is correct. And you should receive the bill shortly after a conversation is terminated. And how will I be receiving that bill? Just via email. By mail or... No, that'll be via email. So yeah. By email. Yes, correct. And that's purely because I'm working in a gaming industry. Well, your application was denied because of your job. You know, look at, you know, it's sort of, it makes sense because you're sort of contributing to more financial loss for a lot of people. So, you know, the government sort of comes down hard on anyone who works in the gaming industry exclusively. So yeah, the application was denied because of that. And then also just the processing fee of your application took a little while. So that's where the $300 admin fee comes in. Okay, I'm very confused. Um, okay. Yeah. And like obviously I know, I know that it's a, you know, not a phone. It's not, it's not an easy phone call for either of us. But at the end of the day, you're working in an industry that is quite poisonous and takes money from innocent people. So we're... Are you kidding me? You're actually saying this to me right now. Well, it's... Are you serious? It's sort of what we've been, what we've been instructed to say. I work in a poisonous industry that's taking money from innocent people. Okay. Well, that's more of a personal opinion. And I've got friends who are addicted to... Well, you've said that. That's literally what you just told me. Look, look, I've got friends and family who have gambling problems. Okay. And I'm personally responsible for that, am I? Well, look, you work in an industry that does this sort of thing to people. You know what I mean? So it's, yeah, I'm sorry. You are responsible. It's hearsay. I'm responsible for that. No. Everyone who contributes to the industry is contributing to the problem, as far as I'm concerned. Wow, that's... This is a pretty unprofessional phone call I'm having right now with all due respect, Sam. I'm going to hang up now. Wait, before you leave, there's one last thing I need to tell you. It's a prank call. Okay. Your friend said... Your friend has set you up. You're actually on the Marty and Michael podcast. And you have not... Your application has not been tonight and I'm definitely not fucking Centling. We love you, dude. We're so sorry. Who was the friend that set it up? Yeah, let's see who set you up. Gemma said that basically gave us this information. And she said that you would be a good sport about it. So fuck Gemma, dude. You're all good, dude. Sorry to fuck. Like, it's all good. No, no, no, no. It's... You're all right. We'll just be in silly billies. Gemma... I understand what's going on here. She's... Yeah, okay. Sorry to... I'm doing so to stress you out. We're just trying... You haven't stressed me out. I was just about to text a lot of very angry phone calls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd heard you typing. You were typing away at the conversation recording. I was recording stuff, Sam. Oh, yeah, yeah. Dude, it pops to you, because it was fucking utter bullshit. I was in my home professional family. It's okay. I'm calming down now. It's okay. Yeah, mate. Yeah, I'm certain you'll get your seat. And, mate, good on you for fucking... Yeah. We were just trying to stir you up, but you didn't fucking bite at all. Oh, you did good. You handled that well. You handled that... Not really. Mate, you fucking... I was trying to be so nice. Dude, you were. You were so nice. You weren't aggressive whatsoever. I don't even know who I'm talking to. I won't go off the deep end here. Dude, you were so chill. Like, I would have started swearing and abusing him. Sam could get fucked. I hated myself. Yeah, yeah. I hated myself. I thought it would be cruelty, because you were so kind. I actually... The thing that really surprised me was, before you hang up and I actually waited, I don't... Why didn't I just hang up on you? This is what I didn't get. Oh, that would have been the worst, because then I would have felt so bad. Yeah. That's all you had to tell you, dude. Yeah. You were so good, dude. You were so good. You were so chill about it, really. Because I would have gone off. It sounds like you're going to get your man of foot, and we hoped that everything's all... And I love a slap in the pokey, so... And it's okay. And yeah, we fucking love gambling, so fuck anyone who's against it. No, it's okay. It's all right. I don't know. This is very confusing. I didn't know what was going on. Who just winged? Well, Marty just wings it. So you're like... I'm getting abused by a settling dude for doing the child's part. You don't hold it. Oh, I hate it so much. I hate it too, dude. But thank you for pulling out with us. Is your name actually Sam? No, no, it's Marty and Michael. It's the Marty and Michael fully actual podcast. Well, nice to meet you. Are you two, mate? You fucking hang in there and you bloody... We hope you stay healthy and safe throughout this terrible period. Yeah, you actually too. Yeah, no worries, mate. Lovely to meet you. Good luck with everything. Hey, no, thank you. Good luck to you guys. Stay safe. No, no worries. How are you today? Awesome. Thanks, mate. See you later. All right, have a good one. Bye. All right, so that is the end of episode number 11. Next week we'll be smoking shards of meth. So stay tuned for that. And don't forget that we... Well, more simply, we are the best. We're the best. We're the best. We're the best. We're the best. We're the best. We're the best. We're the best. We're the best.