 Storytime YouTube is juicy. Get your cola, get your coffee, and get your addictive drink. And let's dive in to my journal. I've done this before in this book, but I deleted the video. But first of all we have a quote. This is like my journal. I'm going to carry on using this after. I wrote a letter to my ex. This is like, I used to do a philosophical ass, right, and it got me thinking a lot so I'd just scribble everything down in here. So again nothing, an open letter to my ex. This is an open letter about my ex who committed suicide. I regret not telling you how I feel. I regret not trusting you. I regret telling you I loved you. I regret showing you how much you mean to me. I regret it all you know, though in my opinion I did it all. I regret listening to your eyes. I regret believing everything you said. I regret trusting it had never happened again. I regret living my life in fear of what you'd do next. I regret nothing. This is an open letter to my ex who I wish I could forget about. Personal preference. Then another quote. I like quotes, okay. So here we go. So from February 14th, 2018. Pointments today. Today's a point moment, okay, whether I mean I was as honest as I've been in a while. The only thing is I wish I talked a bit more about how I'm really feeling about myself. All I know is my anxiety level about the next week's appointment is ridiculous. I haven't even been, I haven't been through a psychiatric evaluation in a while and I'm not worried, so to say I'm just anxious. And in quotation marks, Lydia, do you think you have an issue with eating? What is that? No, not really. What I meant. I feel like pieces of my life are falling to pieces. I hate myself. I don't eat because it makes me feel horrible. I can't deal with it. I hate everything about myself. Readiness is like intense. Like I did say I experienced depression for a long time. I can't take anymore. The thoughts are too much to take. I don't care how it stops. I just needed to stop. I'm not going on to eat anymore because I'm fat and ugly. I'm horrible. I can't even stand the sight of myself. I want to die. 17th of the 4th of 2018. I'm fearful. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Things don't make sense anymore. Everything's running together. I can't deal with it and think straight. It's all happening at once. Things are getting better. I think all things are getting better. For a while I thought I was happy. I even felt happy, but now I feel worse than I have in a while. All I can think about is death. I want to die. I'm at the point where it's the only answer. I want it all to be over. I don't think I can deal with it anymore. I can't stop thinking everything runs together. Things seem so weird at the moment. I'm afraid of having a future because I don't want to be alive. But I actually want things to get more intense. Less intense. But I know it won't happen. I genuinely want to die. I know it felt so terrible at something in my life. Now I try to do bullet journaling. I feel emotionally drained. I don't think I can take anymore. I genuinely just want to die. I want to die. I feel like a burden. I feel horrible. I deserve to die. I want to die. I'm hopeless. I fucked up everything. I just want to die. I saw the best part of the past two days taking over doses. And physically I feel ill. Then put my throat. Regardless of what anybody does, I fully intend on dying this weekend. I can't read this out. I can't because it's got my full-on method percentages. I was at a very low point when I wrote this and I can't put this online. I can't. It has too many ideas, too many things that could potentially kill people. That's it. That's all I've got for this video. The journal's triggering. Not gonna lie. It is. It's a bit triggering. What are you gonna do? Thank you for watching and I will see you guys soon. If you enjoyed these videos, let me know in the comments down below. Comment down your opinion. Comment. Let's have a conversation. Screw the like and dislike bar. No one gives a fuck about it. If you want, even still leave a like. It comes through to me. I can still see it. But no, it's not public. I don't. It's not making it public because it doesn't mean anything. Thank you for listening to me ramble about my journal. Okay, the mail retained. How YouTubers do it.