 hey what's up you guys welcome back to my channel if you're new here hi hello i'm lydia and if you are new here make sure you hit the subscribe button join the growing family as you can see i'm not in my flat i'm not my grandparents where the fuck am i i am on holiday with my grandparents or with my mom as well well i say holiday we're only staying till sunday night and it's currently friday we're staying for easter so what's this video about i thought i'd do a bit of an update because i haven't done a proper update in a long time so where do we start let's start with university i have my graduation date which i'm excited about because i have to graduate i'm getting the map book pro next week which i'm excited about and i'm a pro in about five years so i'll be very happy to get back to having a pro mental health now here's what we need to talk i'm currently really struggling with my eating disorder and it's honestly one of the things i struggle with the most because when i'm around my family i have to eat all right next week when i go back to my flat i don't have to eat and i've been really restricting my intake i've been nearly drinking diet coke but it's just become a real struggle living situation wise i don't know what's going on i want to move out of supported living i don't like being in supported living i don't like constantly being checked up on i don't like having my medication stored in a medication room i honestly just want it out of there so what i'm doing is i'm gonna be saving 300 pound of my pier every month and i'm saving the remainder of my student finance after i buy my laptop the laptop's costing me nearly three nearly a thousand six hundred pounds it's a lot of money but it's a worth it's getting three chip laptop it's got an sd port and sd card in port so i don't have to use my connector it's got hdmi cable so i can do stuff if i forget a tv but my long-term goal was to move closer to my family and i did actually ask my mom the other day if i could move back in with her because they're moving to my mom's gonna be running a pub and they have four bedrooms and my mom's making me a bedroom before i want to go stay with her i asked if i could move back in and honestly it was kind of upsetting my mom said it's not ideal because of my past which she's comparing me now to when i was 16 18 i haven't lived with her since i was 18 compared to that it's quite upsetting because i really have changed in that time so now i'm looking for houses in telford and they're about 750 a month but yeah things are a bit up in the air for me at the minute because i'm not happy in support living and there's nothing i can do about it i want to move after i've graduated i want to graduate first i am a bit hurt by my mom that i can't live with her because i thought she'd really like she'd understand that i've changed and not the same as i used to be i don't self have anymore i don't lock myself in bathrooms after taking overdoses i don't steal knives to cut myself with i don't steal money after them anymore i have my own money coming in because all the negative things that i used to do i don't do anymore yes i still have an eating disorder but i can manage that i just don't know what to say anymore so it has been a rough ride really but honestly i feel i feel okay with myself i'm not i know it's a video i was suicidal but i'm not actively suicidal so please don't worry about me i'm fine i'm not gonna attempt my life i just wish that there was something i could do to get back in time and not do all the things i used to do and it's having friends around me because all my friends just when i have a lana who's in australia i have my friend aron who's in telford speaking of a lana i'm ordering her a christmas a bit not christmas a birthday gift for the end of april and i really hope she likes what i send her it's something she mentioned on call to me that she wanted to get so i hope for them the right thing i also bought a new squishmallow today it's a new it's a big thought but i haven't seen it before so i had to get it my money is well spent that's the only thing i was treating myself to this month but yeah i think that's kind of all i've got for an update but i hope you guys understand that when i say every subscribed matters it really does for me every every view i get means the world to me i started uploading twice a week mondays and fridays at seven p.m and honestly it's going quite well my videos were really underperforming when i was uploading every day now they're doing a bit better they're going over 100 so that's good i'm getting comments on all my videos which is great for engagement if you want to support my channel because you like what i do and want bonus content head over to my patreon which is linked up there and when i upload patreon i upload i'm uploading eating disorder vlogs at the minute because i can't post them on youtube because they get taken down so facing my eating disorder is on my channel but anyway thank you for watching and if you are a new subscriber join the growing family thanks for watching and peace