 Happy Valentine's Day everybody! I wanted to do a little reflection piece on the love I've experienced in my lifetime. As I said, Sanskrit has 96 words to describe love. We only have one, which is very limiting. And so we are always like tousled between like who deserves it and who doesn't. Now for me, I believe in two types of important relationships that I would qualify under love. There's soulmates and there's a life partner. And now soulmates are people that you are just highly drawn to, like the magnetism between the two of you guys is just extreme. And that's for a reason because they're meant to do something in your life. Like that person's energy has worked to be done through you. But soulmates, again, there's many of them and they have seasons, you know, they, they have a specific role to play in your life. And when that's over, it's time to move on to the next versus a life partner. A life partner is someone that you choose to go through all of this with. I personally believe you can still experience soulmates while you have a life partner. So I have not found my life partner. I've definitely had a lot of soulmates and I want to talk about those now. Soulmates. Number one is Devon. I'm going to say people's name. I don't care. It's Devon from elementary school and I fell in love with him in senior kindergarten. He was just the hottest dude. He lived in the street called Montego, which is like, it's attached to my street where I grew up and still to this day when I go to my parents house and I drive by his house. I look to see if he's outside. Like I can't senior kindergarten Shannon is still trying to get in there. And I'll never forget Devon because he didn't love me back. It was my first experience of unrequited love and it lasted until grade six and never once did he knew I like him or anything like that. And mind you, I went to an all white elementary school and so I wasn't really like revered as attractive. So I was like not considered because he was like the hot dude. And so I remember once, you know, they used to have lists back in elementary school and they had a list that they found, they found Devon's list. Everyone was passing it around like, oh my god, you know, the list of girls he likes. And I was like, yo, who's on it? And they're like, why do you care as if you'd ever be on it? And I'm like, yeah, exactly. You know, and I legitimately went home and cried for like two weeks. It was the most crushing thing to me, but it was kind of cool to know that you can experience just strong feeling for somebody one at a young age. That's damn ridiculous. And two, that you, you don't have to necessarily like interact with somebody or have that experience to really find the beauty in that emotion. And I wrote a lot of different stories and he was the inspiration for a lot of little poems at that age. And I don't talk to him since day. I can't imagine how weird it would be watching this tape and being like, sorry, Shannon, Shannon Boudram, like that'd be kind of weird. Next up was my high school sweetheart, whose name is Jonathan King. I don't even know where he is to this day. If you're watching this video, Johnny, like, shit, I've lost touch with you. But I fell in love with him when I was 17 years old. He was fire and ice. Our relationship was tumultuous, but it was cool and it was fun. And he was my first, a lot of different things. I didn't lose my virginity to him, but definitely my first love, you know, first time I skipped school for a boy and first time I saw my parents' car to go see somebody. Like I did crazy shit. First time that I got into a car accident was because I was stalking him outside of his house. I actually took a job at a school paper just so I could go to his football games. Like we didn't go to the same school, but I took a job volunteering at a paper just so I'd be reporting at his games. Like I was nuts for this dude. And one of the times I interviewed him because like, of course I interviewed him after his football game and I had the voice recording of his interview and I used to play that voice recording every single night to go to sleep. Like when we broke up because we had a bit of off and on again. It was a fire and ice relationship like from age like 17 to like 22. I guess I don't really know. It was just like a lot of like back and forth and ups and downs, but when I loved him, guy, I loved him. And I learned something about myself. I definitely can say love is my addiction. Like, you know, some people's cigarettes, I'm cool on that. I'm cool on drinking. Like I don't really get, you know, hype off of gambling, but love. Boy, you give me a hit of that. You give me a hit of that. And I turn into someone else. And so I had to learn to control that. And I've always been pretty good at controlling like, like I said, I'll be saying stuff in this video that people won't even know that that actually happened. Like I never told Jonathan that reporter story. I never told Devon that I still drive by his house super slow looking in his window, the telescope, but on the inside, I'm definitely a fiend for love. So after Jonathan was this guy whose name is Jay, who I'm not going to say his full name because we're not cool. And I don't even really know why, to be honest. Jay was somebody whom I met. I actually met him on Mean Girls for everybody who's like, are you on the background of Mean Girls? Yes. Like when I was in high school, I did background work and that was like my first little job. So you could see me with a little afro pick in my hair looking a crazy ass mess. And that's the first day that I met Jay. And he was just the embodiment of fun. Like he was fine as hell first of all, but he was just a fun ass dude. Like you just got around him and his energy was so intoxicating. He didn't care what people thought. And he was a joker and he was cool. And I just like, I really just loved him as a friend and as a human being. That's my first time really liking the person that I fell in love with. And again, Jay didn't fall back in love with me. I think we kind of had a thing, but it never really was like fully reciprocal. It was mostly just me completely enamored and in awe with him and him being like, oh, this girl gives me a lot of attention. So I'm going to give her some back. And so it was kind of like a not really a fulfilling relationship on that end. And when that ended, oh my God, I went nuts. Like that was probably 24 years old. When he left me, because he left me abruptly, like we were getting really close. Mind you, not close. Like we're going to become boyfriend and girlfriend. Because again, I don't think his passion was ever that strong, but we were spending a lot of time together and then it abruptly stopped. And I had to red syndrome for like a year straight, y'all. Like I'd be in my car just like, the fuck this guy fucking live it, what? Nightmares and dreams. And like, I was just angry inside. Like I thought I had to go to therapy for that. Like it was so painful. But the good thing about it is that because it for me, I need that hard abrupt ending for relationships. Like things linger out and I'm still in love with you. I'll never let go. It just won't work out. Like I'll hold on for way too long. And again, soulmates, the cycle was done. You know, Jay showed me how much fun being in love can be and showed me like that sense of humor is really important for me in a future mate. And he showed me a lot. He also was lacking a lot. So I'm appreciative that that was at that time in my life because it really wouldn't fulfill me as an adult woman. I didn't even mention Ovan. Oh my God, in between Jonathan and Ovan, this is what a fucking mess I am. I went to school in Baltimore at Coppett State University and I met this guy named Ovan Short. Man, I'm going to cry thinking about him. What a beautiful relationship that was. Ovan was just, that was at a time when if you guys know me from late, I was just very sexually promiscuous in my teenage years. Even, you know, while I was dating Jonathan, I had that love because that was such a fire and ice love. It was like bouncing me all over the place emotionally and self-esteem-wise. And so I was just really sexually promiscuous, very unsure of myself, not confident. And Ovan is somebody I met in university and I think we had sex on like the first day. And thank God he was the first person I did that with because he just held me down after that and just really put me back together in a lot of ways. And that was a friendship love. That was, that was honestly Faleo love because I was away from my parents at home. I needed to develop a family base and Ovan was my family in Baltimore. And our relationship only lasted about a year, a year and a half or so, but I was a beautiful love just every single day. He was my best friend and I couldn't have gone through that phase without him and that was a really positive experience. So thank you to Ovan who I do still talk to. I talked to him. I saw him last year and we had a really great chat. He's now married and really, really happy and I'm really happy for him. Okay, back to this love that I'm about to get in trouble for talking about and you got to understand something about me. Like I am a storyteller. I am a reflector specifically on sex and love. Like I wrote about the first time I lost my virginity and it was published in a book and the guy who I lost my virginity to who's from London had to read about it and call me up like, uh, and I'm like, yeah, like my experiences to me are for the world to share. I don't hold them dear. I don't put any personal information about the people in them. So you won't find them, but I might put intimate details. So if you were there, you're going to know it was you. So after that situation with this dude, I wrote a story and him and his girl came to me like, you're talking about, I guys like, bro, like, I'm done with this. Like I'm done with interacting with, with all that, but it's still my experiences. I'm allowed to express them how I want to. And now I'm afraid to tell this fucking story because I want people to come for me. But I'm at this person overseas and honestly, I will never forget the moment I saw them. Like that, that was to me, my first experience of love at first sight. I was walking. I remember seeing him walking and we walked by each other and he happened to stop at a like magazine stand behind. So we turned around and I, I ended up talking to him and it was like instantly there was something special about this person. And I'll mind you, this person actually is, um, is famous and they've done very well for themselves. And so I think I just fell in love with that magic the rest of the world fell in love with. And that's why that love happened so quickly. Um, because there's something special about that person. And that was kind of like a weird relationship. Obviously lived in totally different continents and there was an interest on his end, but there was a strong fire on mine because I was really inspired by him. And again, he was fun. Like he kind of had a mix of what, you know, Jay gave me with the passion that I had for Jonathan and just sort of that like idle worship that I had for Devin back in elementary school. Like this dude was kind of a mix of all those different things. And whenever I had experiences with them, I think I've seen them like three times or four times in my life. And every time it's been like, uh, just it's a roller coaster. It doesn't stop like fun, cool, engaging, interesting, memorable, just a really dope time. And so when that situation ended, because we live in different continents and it just wasn't sustainable. And again, I don't think on his end, the fire was as strong. It was like a dull intrigue. When it ended because I got into a relationship and he got into a relationship, I was upset for a long time because I felt like I felt, I felt like I found my soulmate, which now years later I realized I did find my soulmate. I found a soulmate because he actually really deeply inspired me to move to America actually, to really start pursuing my passion full time so I could live a life that I thought was as fulfilling as his was. But he, um, when that ended, I felt like he was my life partner soulmate and that that was taken away from me. And I felt like I had found it, like I had found my dream come true and I had to wake up and it was, I was angry. You know what I mean? Like when you, you have something was taken from you, like you, you worked for it and you've gone through all these situations and finally you found what you're looking for and you don't even really get a proper shot at it. I really grappled with the word love there because I didn't have a lot of time with this person. So that sounds kind of fucking nuts to be honest with you to say I loved them because I didn't truly know them. I didn't know what his breath smells like in the morning when he wakes up and I didn't know how he likes his eggs or even if he likes eggs. I don't even know if he's having an egg sandwich right now. I don't talk to the dude, but I just knew the feeling that he gave me and how it represents the kind of love that I want in my life partner and the attributes he has as a human being from the outside, because again, I don't know the inside definitely reflects what I want in a life partner going forward and I love him for that. You know, I love him for those experiences. I love him for opening my eyes to the possibilities of all the great things that my husband to be can be, but will not be in him and I'm grateful for that experience. So rolling out of that experience immediately, because that's how I do, I got together with my ex-boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend and I have a very complicated, not complicated history, but my ex-boyfriend used to go to school in like a neighboring city and when I was in high school, I was obsessed with him. He was the dude who used to come to our school for tournaments and I fell out for him. He didn't know I existed. I was a nerd in the bleachers with the braces like he, I never spoke to him. He talked to this really hot girl from another school that everybody was like, they're the perfect couple. I'm like, yeah, they are the perfect couple. And I was just like on the side and years later I became his friend because he had a business and so I made up a fake order so that I could go to his business. And then when we started hanging out for real, because he was also interested in me at that time. When I, you know, after the high school phase, he met me, you know, actually I was like, I have Shannon Boudreum a human being. Hi, nice to meet you. And then he reciprocated feelings for me. But I think we both just knew the fit wasn't right. There was always something off. So we kind of became friends, like we date on and off for a number of years. And when I was kind of going through the heartache of the overseas dude, he really was somebody who stepped up and was around a lot more as a friend. But over the years of just getting to know him, I was like, I don't think that we're meant to be in that way. But I want you in my life because he's a frigging amazing person. So when he asked me out, my thought was, I've had such a deep history with this guy, at least he should be my ex. That's the least, you know what I mean? And so we started dating and that was such a beautiful relationship. It lasted for a long time. I'm still not over it. It lasted, you know, it was a good, a lot of time I lived with this person. And I, that was my first adult love and the love really, really deep, like so deep. You know, like when you love somebody so much that you have thoughts like, you know, if this is my last day alive, you know what I mean? Like, that's cool. Like, and it was, it was really hard loving each other. And I think it was, you know, it was for all the reasons that I knew before we even got into the relationship about certain incompatibilities or certain things that, advices that he had, that I knew my husband wasn't, wasn't supposed to be like, I tried so hard. I tried so hard in that situation. But it didn't matter. It just didn't work. And obviously right now I'm single because, you know, you can't do this when you're ready to love and meet somebody else. You got to be way past this point. And I'm like six months, you know, it's still kind of fresh and give myself a couple more months more. You know, I'm really ready to meet the next person, but I still have healing to do for what, what that did because to fail so hard. I want to say happy Valentine's Day. First of all, don't be an asshole. Like, if you know him, don't send his video to him. Because I, you know what I mean? Like we haven't spoken in a long, long time. And that's again, going back to what I said before, I needed that way for the way that I love. I really need to separate myself from people, put that space in that cushion, assess, analyze, come to peace with what that lesson was for me and how that soulmate positively impacted my life and then feel good about it and then be able to move forward in a healthy way. If I still am in this emotional state, it'll keep repeating. And that's what kept happening with this person where we just kept repeating and our purpose in each other's life had long finished even, and we still kept trying. And that, that's what caused a lot of the damage because we didn't let go. That, that cycle, a soulmate cycle had finished a year before we stopped. And so it was just, it got really bad at the end. So don't send this to him. But if I'm, you know, talking to the universe, I love you. You know, I still love you. I really still love you. And I really still wish you a happy Valentine's Day. And I feel anyhow, next up, next up, I mean, I'd like to meet my life partner, but I don't know what's in store. Maybe there's seven more soulmates in store before I'm able to get to that place. And I think that now I'm at a space where I'm able to choose and be honest about what the right partners for me at the time. Like, I won't make the mistake of forcing myself on people who don't reciprocate right away or from trying to make something fit that I knew from day one really, you know, wasn't the best fit, although I don't regret any of those experiences because they were beautiful in their own right. But of course, I would prefer to be sitting here crying on camera right now. I'd prefer to be sitting here beside somebody, you know, who I decided was a great fit for me. But life goes on. There's something I found the other day in my drawer at a time when me and my ex had gone through a really big fight. We were like, let's try, because we just, we tried, we really did try. So we wrote down a list of things that we wanted and didn't want in a partner. And I want to share a couple of those with you guys today. Things I want in a partner. Happiness, affection, growth, challenge, a sexual partner who is giving, romance, laughter, friendship, teacher, student, proud of me, partner in progression, a family member, somebody who's proud to be with me, somebody who makes me feel good, somebody who I find inspiring, supportive, is athletic, loves my help, needs my help, needs me, appreciative, humble, kind, smart, determined, unapologetic, go-getter and best friend. And I think when I look back at all the loves I've had over my lifetime, everyone's kind of had pieces of these. And I'm waiting for the fit that's, you know, kind of checks off most of that. I think all of them are feasible. Don't get me wrong. So happy Valentine's Day. Now that we got that shit over with, I'd love to hear you guys and a bit of your reflections. If you have video links, you know, today's the day I want to just spend. As I said, I'm only going to be online today. I'm not, I don't have a Valentine. So I want to be filled up with your love and your stories. Let's have a conversation about it. And thank you very much for watching. I love you guys. And I used to be very precious about even saying that. Like, you know, I was like, I don't, I don't love a lot of people. I don't storage love a lot of people. And I don't aeros love a lot of people, but I definitely agape love. I definitely filet au love a lot of people. And you know, I, I do filet au love and agape love you guys. And I thank you for your support and your time always everybody. Yeah, my woman, my woman. And we are making the final adjustments to this video that we are doing a release of the slumber party series. That's a set over there. And here is a exclusive clip. Like first period. I had my first period and I had no one to talk to. I didn't know who to talk to. My mom told me to jump off a clip. My mom told me to fail. Jump down. Jump down.