 Sup guys It's me again Week three of updates not that anyone gives a shit. I mean, I know a few of you are few of you do of course And in fact, you know that come to think of it. That was I don't have I don't have internet reception here Otherwise my plan for today's video my update video was to pick up my balls and Go through a few of my most recent YouTube comments because the only thing that's stopping me is the fear that they're gonna be negative but Or the fear that they're gonna be judgmental But I put myself out there on YouTube. I've got it. I've got to expect that You know what I mean? But at the end of the day, no one could ever say something to me worse than what I've told myself Because there's been a few dark days over the last couple years Few dark days indeed And I've never wanted to bring that sort of content to the channel So what I decided to do was bring that content to my my other channel. It's okay to talk and Sitting here right now Three weeks into my trip. I am thank God four days sober From alcohol and it's four days that I so desperately needed. I've had my issues with alcohol funnily enough my alcoholic Thoughts and tendencies began During one of the most successful periods of my my YouTube career and what I found is that I really enjoyed making YouTube content especially reacting to sports and having a couple of drinks as well and That continued Call it a business expense call it what you will but I Started spending more and more money on it. I Started drinking more and more often and eventually I Was drinking every single day has continued sadly For the most part of the last two and a half years coming up to three two and a half years So end of 2020 Well coming up to the end of 2020. I was in the best shape of my life About to turn 30 years old a week before I turned 30 I went down to Queen's Town, New Zealand and ran my first marathon and that's with a zero training because What I saw when I looked in the mirror Made me feel so proud and happy. I'm not afraid to say that it made me happy Unfortunately from there due to a couple of personal circumstances everything go and I found solace in alcohol in December of 2020 and I found that Because it hadn't been too long Only a couple of months that it was doable and I could drink every day and get up every day and make content found myself in rehab about seven months later and That experience Helped me stay sober for 30 days They were enjoyable 30 days, but I Wanted to be sober on the outside and it just seems I wasn't ready for that because the day I left The day I check myself out of rehab I went straight to the bottle store and continued my habits It was only a few drinks the first night and then a few more and then a few more and eventually I was drinking every day Now I have spent time away from my kids Probably for the most part due to that due to these issues But I've always Made it my priority to have the next thing on my agenda whilst I'm away from them to to to go back And spend time with them and that's what I've done You know, I've I've spent more time with them than I haven't over the last two years at least But there was a period of time Where I you know, I I couldn't I just couldn't The only time that I'd Yeah, look, I don't want to get too far into it That's what I'm doing over on my other channels. So either way here. We are August of 2023 My latest trip back to New Zealand and I've come down to the field Unfortunately when I went over to Alice brings this this last time for nine months. I left all my rugby gear here Because it just wasn't a priority for me So it's really nice to come down grab a couple of rugby balls my boots and come and have a kick and just get the grass underneath my feet I mean my skills certainly need work If I was to suit up again and play And I really want to I want that to be a goal of mine. So Yeah, moving forward. I mean, this is an update after being here for three weeks I'm four days sober the first two weeks were fun, of course, but certainly completely unsustainable and It's it's just it's a bit of a because I you know The times that I'm back here with not with no accountability other times that the drinking really takes hold and I've just I've just gotten through a Bit of a period of time of that The first couple of weeks I was here, but glad to be on the other side of it. Glad to be down here today glad to have two legs Glad to be alive You know what I mean because with the amount of drunk over the years of fun I've definitely done some debt. I've done some if not like liver damage I've done some brain damage and that's real scary and I was quite willing to do that You know for a long time, but fuck man 32 I've got too much life to live and I have booked my ticket back to Alice Springs and I go back in a week So today is Thursday and I go back on Friday next week So I'll be with my kids by Friday afternoon next week and ready to Hit the ground running again back in Alice Springs and And carry on I mean the site that you know I've sort of had multiple epiphanies on this trip and one of them is that I Need to step up. I need well for one. I need to take alcohol out of my fucking life, right? Because it's it's it's a it's a it's a version of myself that can function But it's certainly not optimal in any respect and I've got to give myself some respect I have to respect myself man because I've I really haven't and that leads inevitably imagine You know all this and and that leads to me being unable to to take criticism or or Or or you know be judged because I'm already judging myself so much And it would just tip me over the edge and I'd fucking I've I've been scared in the past of you know just Thinking that it would Make me start drinking again or whatever the only time unfortunately I've been comfortable enough to bring out my comments and and go through them quite Happily and confidently and hey if something comes up negative which it doesn't often that's the thing Which it doesn't very often at all Really the only negative thing that would ever affect me is judgment about my kids So if that was like a no-go zone, then I could easily Look through my comments and coming back to every single one of you guys, which I will do eventually, but I'm just not ready for it yet Possibly once I get back to my kids I'll do that Well, I know I will because I'll be back with them and and that that worry and anxiety about that that judgment that I may face Will be gone, but it's not good. It's you know, it's it's a work in progress, man There's no manual for for parenting. There's no manual for life, but for me to get down here today was really rewarding and enjoyable and Yeah, I'm feeling I'm feeling good man feeling positive, you know YouTube's a funny one Before I went on that huge tangent down there Never ending rabbit hole. I think I was about to mention something about YouTube, you know, kind of being the reason or part of the reason why I sort of Started enjoying alcohol and then couldn't stop because it took over I lost control YouTube was the reason for that and you know what YouTube is gonna be the reason Or half the reason why I get out of it Why I how I Beat it, you know what I mean? Not this particular channel, but my other channel So for anyone who is you know struggling out there for anyone And look man I say this now because I'm four days sober and I'm kind of clearer than I have been recently But it could all change tomorrow. I know just how susceptible I am to all that But if if you do want a community or if you are struggling or you want to talk Most probably within the community members rather than myself Head over to my other channel. It's okay to talk where I have just documented the first 39 days of my current Trying to quit alcohol for 90 day challenge. So that's enough from me guys and I will see you in the next video somewhere sometime