 Family Theatre presents Lucille Ball and Dean Miller from Hollywood the Mutual Network in Cooperation with Family Theatre presents Last one in line starring Dean Miller and now here is your hostess Lucille Ball Family Theatre's only purpose is to bring to everyone's attention a practice that must become an important part of our lives If we are to win peace for ourselves peace for our families and peace for the world Family Theatre urges you to pray pray together as a family Now to our transcribe drama last one in line starring Dean Miller as Moffat That is Arlen Mudd he just might turn out to be this year's favorite comedian and if he's lucky He might even stay on top of the heap for a couple of years long enough to make a mistake Last month at this time. He didn't have a chance last month this time He was on his way back to burlesque just as sure as I'm standing here. That's too noisy in here Let's go on out on the fire escape, but I'll tell you more about Arlen Mudd This seems to be the year and the season for stories about the funny men of the entertainment business Exposed a type stories saw how March in one of you weeks ago did a great job nice tight story Then Mickey Rooney did a bang-up job on another one fine characterizations both of them But the comedians the stories were about both had big psychological problems This story is about a comedian with a problem. It's true and we promise. It's the last one of the season I want to tell you this one because Arlen Mott's problem was the one that almost cost him his big chance at the big time Arlen Mott's problem was Different. I first met Arlen about a year ago when he came into the office I had on Sunset Boulevard. It was a little second floor 12 by 12 on the inexpensive side of Laurel Canyon It wasn't much but then a talent agent doesn't spend much time in his office anyway In fact, it was just luck that Arlen found me in at the time. I figured it was his luck Not mine Look, I'm trying to be honest with you. You want that don't you yes, of course, but I still need an agent But I don't handle comics never have so there's always a first time Yeah, can you give me one good reason why there should be hard enough getting work for an unknown even if he's a strong dramatic actor But a comic I'm not completely unknown Have you done any pictures? Well film television How about live television? Well, maybe if I could dig radio Just because I have a wait a minute. Wait a minute. Maybe you better tell me just exactly what you have done Or maybe I can tell you let me see now high school plays mr. They thought you were a very funny man on campus none of that. All right, then you tell me Done a lot of nightclub work Okay, how'd you start now give it to me straight? Well, I sang a little I I started with a show in the old Waterburn theater on Detroit Street show was called mid-century review. Maybe maybe you heard about it. Mm-hmm Go on well the show went on the road, but that didn't take me along So I stayed with the theater it went burlesque right after that They needed to tenor and I doubled as a comic and pretty soon. I was the featured comic along with 30 beautiful girls counting 30 All right, but I was the comic Well as soon as I could swing it I cut out started working the clubs. Yeah steady Well so far only on weekends, but I'm good mr. I'm sorry just come down to see me work once. That's all I just once if you were an actor I but I'm not and I figure a guy should do what he does best don't you if they can do it and keep eating Yes, well, I think he should even if he can't keep eating look just come down and catch my routine I pack them in they come just to see me Come down just once then well If you still say no, I'll let you alone. Okay, it won't do any good, but you come Alright, alright, where are you working? Well, I didn't want to but I went down to watch him work the following Saturday night It was that a little hole in the gutter type place on East 61st It was called Basil's Cave in the floor show consisted of two people a middle-aged woman who could play a piano and an electric organ at The same time and our boy Arlen mutt The lady with the keyboards was not so pretty good, but Arlen well He looked like he might turn out to be a pretty fair country comedian What at least most of the people laughed in the right places? As soon as he was finished he headed right for me Well, I heard your routine if that's what you mean How'd you like it? I liked it better when Joe Frisco did it ten years ago Look, I don't suppose you've got a dressing room someplace where we could talk. Well, there's the alley I thought I was in it pardon me. Come on, lead the way right through this door About me using Frisco doesn't matter to me. I just hope he doesn't find out about it aside from that aside from that Well, I think you might be able to make a buck or two if you keep at it for a few years Well, will you take me? Will you be my agent? You've got a job. You call this a job? To maybe three nights a week if I'm lucky and for that I average about 25 bucks a week You mean you're living on it I've got another job in the daytime parking cars on the other side of town But I'm tired parking cars to make ends meet and I'm tired of working in dumps like this and having the manager act like He's doing me a big favor when he pays me I'm tired of having to use other people's material too I'm telling you mr. Muffet. You out there. Yes, sir. Yeah, who's this ain't Baylor the owner better get in here You'll be on before I suppose you come out here easy easy. It's not much but this Who are you names Don Moffitt talent agent? That's right. Yeah, I saw you inside a few minutes ago Didn't I? Well, I'm not the one to tell you what you saw, but I was inside a few minutes ago I came over to watch your comic and maybe I should say my comic you're representing this guy as of now I am that's absolutely right, and I'm afraid I can't let him work for you anymore, mr Whatever your name is. It's Baylor. What do you mean? You can't let him work for me. Can't do it Well, we've got a deal. I'm sorry, but you've got to look at it our way Suppose he got out that he's working here for tips tips. I pay him look you've got him around for the weekends He does what how many shows a night or five sometimes six you're paying him tips, brother Well, it might be a little low, but he doesn't bring in a whole lot of business look. I've seen your dump I know how many drop-in customers you can expect to have here. Look, let's be reasonable about this All right, we'll be reasonable 40 a night three nights a week But we can't give you any more than a four-week contract not at these prices anyway Mr. Mothic look 40 a night three nights a week. I can't I have to be nuts to go for a thing like that I'm a small operator and it looks like you're gonna stay that way Mott brings in business So you wouldn't have kept him here in the first place that Well, unless there's a holiday, there's no sense in having your show three nights a week All right two nights a week then but on that arrangement will have to be for 50 per now Wait a minute. I got to think about this take all the time you want You might like your place better as a nice quiet little club Anyway, I'll get yourself a shuffleboard table a TV set. What are you talking about? I was doing all right before mine ever came along. Yeah, sure you were you got anything to pack Arlan and now wait now wait All right, look two nights and 45 is the best I can do but it's gotta be an eight-week deal No, I don't know. I don't think we can do it. I think we can can we look? I was only thinking of letting him stay on here because he's gonna have a new act to break in pretty soon Look Arlan, maybe Vegas would be the best place to break the enact. Okay. Okay 50 a night But it's got to be an eight-week deal eight weeks your place doesn't well look your place doesn't do much for the boy There's no publicity I'll put his picture out front big deal. I'll put him in my newspaper at featured. All right featured Arlan, how do you feel about I think so? I mean yeah, let's take it. Okay. It's a deal And I'm probably making a big mistake, but all right providing you a range for a dressing room dressing. That's what I said All right. All right. That's it. That's it. I'll send you a contract over in the morning And what a shake now wait a minute. Well, you haven't signed it yet If you still think it's a shake done in the morning just send a thing back snow skin off our nose Nice meeting you mr. Baylor. Yeah Come on Mike. I got another show to do. He'll be along in a minute. Don't make it too long You just about scared me to death. You got a complaint. No, no complaint a hundred bucks a week I usually don't work that way usually more kid glove stuff than boxing glove But well a creep like that would let you work here for nothing. Yeah, but if he doesn't yeah sign It's tomorrow for that. I don't know how to thank you. You don't have to Arlan All you have to do is send me ten bucks a week for the next eight weeks Well, I better be they're getting home now Oh, incidentally, I want you to be in my office tomorrow morning at 10. You understand you want me sign a contract Well, we'll we'll be around to that later in the week tomorrow. I've got something else in mind You just be there. Yes, sir. I'll be there. Oh, and I think there's something else We ought to get straight right now Arlan What's that? Taking you for a client has to be worth more to me than 10 bucks a week If I'm gonna make any money on you it'll be because I'll be getting 10% of a lot more money than you're worth right now Oh, I understand that mr. Moffitt will understand this too when it comes to say so I am the 90% not the 10 You do what I tell you and you and I are both gonna make a buck. See you in the morning Arlan Yeah, mr. Moffitt, there's a mr. Arlan Mott here to see you. Huh? Is Bill Cassin here yet? Somebody coming up the stairs now it could be mr. Cassin. Okay, honey when he gets here, let him right in will you? Oh, you can send Mott in now too. Yes, sir Come on in Arlan. Oh, come on. Take a seat. Thank you Arlan, there's a guy coming over here who's just about the top man in his field. He's Wait a minute wait a minute. Oh here he is now come on in Bill Bill Bill this is the boy. I called you about Arlan Mott Bill Cassin. How do you do? Hi? I've heard your name before haven't I'd be surprised if you hadn't Bill writes some he writes some pretty funny stuff Oh, of course Bill Cassin. You're a gag writer just the writer if you don't mind. Sorry, okay. It's a mistake. Everybody makes Arlan Bill is gonna write you some special material. What's he been using other people? Oh? And done what exactly did you have in mind a nightclub routine club routine? Yeah, well, I know it's a little out of your line and that's the reason I called you You see we want something that's different now It's got to be playable in front of a club, but I want it kept clean I don't figure our boy here is gonna be spending too much time in those sewers from now on are you thinking television? That's about the size of it TV show sure sound alright to you fine fine fine say I've got some ideas about a routine That might really be great. Oh, that's fine. That's just great. What's matter? Well, look, I'll let you two work that out. It's one thing. I want to understand there Arlan You know what you can do and you know what you can't do if you want to discuss that together fine with me But Cassin is getting paid for writing your stuff because he's a professional you follow me He won't tell any if I don't try to write any that's about the size of it Yeah, but about this paying I don't have any money. Well, I do let's just consider this in the nature of alone I don't get paid till you've had a good chance to try the material anyway, but at time you'll be able to afford it You got it. It's the way it works Bev. Yes, sir. You can come in now. Yes, sir. Did you make that dental appointment? All right? Yes, sir. The others too They're all set up. Okay. Oh, by the way miss white. This is our newest client here. Mr. Mott How do you do? I do Well, uh, mr. Moffitt if you have a dental appointment, I guess you'll be wanting me to come back some other time No, no, no, I don't have a dental appointment You do me? That's right. Look honey. Well, you see that all of his front ones are put in good shape But no caps unless it's absolutely necessary those things are just too darn expensive Bill you free today pretty much so or something you want me to do Well, if you're gonna know what to write for our boy, you two ought to spend a little time together Might as well kill two birds with one stone thought maybe you could help Bev pick a couple of suits for the boy Glad to you've no objections me. Oh, no, no great with me Fine. Well, I guess you three ought to get going, huh? Mr. Moffitt. I think you'd better be on your way, too You've got an appointment at 20th at 11. Wait a minute. That's right. I almost forgot 20th the studio. No, no, no It's not about you. You know, I've got other clients too I will tell you one thing though, mr. Mott. I'm investing a little money in you And I figured to get it back inside of six months six months That's right after that it won't be long before you'll be paying for my dental work and buying my suits With cast and writing for you. I'll get you your own show inside of a year or my name's not Don Moffitt Well from then on things went along pretty much as I'd hoped as a matter of fact They went on better than I'd hoped after his eight weeks at the cave breaking in the pattern bill had written for him I got him into a real nice place uptown. He packed him in too After that it was easy getting bookings for him and it was easy to build him with publicity Oh, look at that. Well, you're done. Did you read what they said about me? That's the best review yet. Yeah. Yeah, it's fine A fresh kind of comedy. We're betting on big things for young Mott Good, huh? Oh, it's great But I'd like to remind you that that kind of stuff is written for the public at large Not for you to commit to memory The five percent you pay a press agent just might have a little something to do with stories like that You know what I mean? This is written from the heart you can see from the heart, huh? You know Don, I've been thinking about that five percent. Oh Yeah, it seems like a lot to pay a guy when you never see him do anything. You see the results, don't you? I don't know I'm not sure we need him Arlen after a train gets rolling It's all right to take one of the drive wheels off the locomotive Oh brother, you'd make a great engineer Well, no look you got a lot to learn but you're not going to learn it at my expense We keep the press agent After about five months around town, I got him a shot at one of the big hotels in vegas where he well He also knocked him dead up there, too Out of the prices he was getting it almost broke my heart to call him back But the way things stacked up. I thought it would be Well, it'd be for the best We met my office the three of us arlen kassen and I You know what we found arlen a little changed Uh, don't see why you keep it. Look at the place dim light noisy traffic from the boulevard It's a hole in the wall. You ought to have a big plush office on larcy aniga Something with a little class you can afford it now. Hey, hey, hey, this suits me just fine. I've always liked this office You would all right. Come on. Let's get down the cases. Yeah, I got your telegram say kassen I heard one in vegas. You got to work into my monologue. This kid you see his kid He's got a seat with a window He looks outside and he sees some kids playing and he looks at his father and he says daddy Why can't I go out and play like other kids and his father says Shut up kid and deal Don are you sure you want this guy on television? What's the matter with you? You know, you're the glummiest gag writer I ever saw. How about this guy don ever seem smile Don, I don't think he's gonna last 39 weeks. This punk's so filled up with himself it'll explode before that punk I'm your bread and butter. All right. That's enough both of you cut it out. We've got some business to discuss You heard what he called me get up with him some other time right now. We're gonna talk business Well, let's get it over with then. I've got a date A date. Yeah, I'm taking your secretary after lunch. This gives us just one hour Oh, well, I think we can do a little better than that Beverly. Yes, mr. Moffitt Take the rest of the day off Go on home. Well, thank you mr. Moffitt, but I Mr. Mott will be a little too busy to have lunch today. He'll honor you with his company some other time perhaps tomorrow All right Just who do you think you are? He's only the guy who pulled you from 25 dollars a week to 3000 Okay, gentlemen, we have a commercial weekly half hour television commitment to talk about shall we get to it? Things went all right for a while Maybe it was a little rough, but at least we got through the first two or three shows Men it happened just the way Bill Cassin said it would Arland Mott got so filled up with himself. He exploded That camera just doesn't move in fast enough. How many times do I have to tell you? Believe me. It looks fine Fine the whole dad will fall flat on its face. That's how fine it'll look You on the camera try once more You've been like this all day directing him is like trying to Well, it's like nothing I've ever done. I've just about had it with your boy You've been giving a real hard time, huh? Not only me. That's the first violin directing the orchestra The conductor he couldn't take anymore. He walked out. I'm about to well No, it'll play fine the way it is Look so far today just about everything on the show has been half bank The script the score now the direction Well, it's got to stop some place that's all Where are you going? I'm going home Money just isn't so important to me that I have to take that from him Now wait a second let him go I can drag any guy in from the street and see a better job at direction than he's been showing me Try it. Mr. Mott or try directing it yourself. Maybe you can get everybody to quit You're dead in this town. The next buck you make will be from selling your hoofs for glue Bum, what are you trying to do protect myself? That's what i'm trying to do when a man's got a name. He's got to protect it Yeah, well you're doing a great job of protection. What do you know about it? You've never been in front of a live audience in your life You don't know what it's like to earn a living anymore. Well, that does it. Goodbye, Arlen. Where are you going? Somewhere where the air is a little cleaner. Wait, you got something to say You're not cutting out on me too. That's exactly what i'm doing. Oh come on in the dressing room Let's talk this thing. Tell you what you go into the dressing room and think it out You're throwing away 10 percent of a pretty hot item. Yeah, well, I'll go home now and have myself a good cry Don, goodbye Arlen You missed him often? Oh, I bet. I forgot you were here. I um Couldn't help hearing what just went on. Yeah, well, we've got a lot of other clients, but Aren't you even going to talk to him? No, there's no point in it. You think I should? I think so Look, they're There isn't anything between you two is it? No I thought there was for a while, but now the only thing I feel from is pity. Pity? He's got a problem problem. You mean in his head. He's got a problem Maybe because his father punished him with his little kid Something like that There's nothing wrong with him that a good peruvian witch doctor couldn't cure just by shrinking his head back to normal That's what I mean, mr. Moffat. Maybe you shouldn't have hit the big time quite so fast Well, you've got some of the responsibility too. You helped give him the problem. You ought to help him solve it You think I should huh? You're the only one who can I've heard you cut some other people back down to size Oh look, you've got to try Can't you see fame to him is like sudden wealth is to most people Could destroy him Okay, Beth. Okay. Hey, uh, wait for me. Will you maybe I'll buy you a cup of coffee and let you know how the whole thing turned out Good luck. Thanks, hon Hey punk Still in there. Aren't you done? Yeah, it's me. I hope you come back Cut wise to how much cutting out would cost you, huh? No, I came back to tell you that you're gonna do some phoning You're gonna call up all the people who walked down to you today and you're gonna tell them just exactly how sorry you are Oh, I am am I that's right. You're gonna tell them you're thoroughly ashamed of yourself for getting a swelled head and acting like a kid And then you're gonna do everything you can to make them come back You better wipe that smile off your face or I'll knock those caps I paid for right off your teeth If you get your people back, you're gonna go and see bill caston and you're gonna tell him You realize how you'd still be a bum using other comedians jokes and some upholsters sewer If it weren't for the great stuff he writes for you But And then you're gonna tell him how you appreciate the fact that you'd be just about as funny as mccarthy without bergen if it Weren't for him After caston you're gonna call your press agent. You know what you're gonna tell him You're gonna tell him. He's so good. You actually believe the publicity you got for you Now now don't wait on me. No, no, I haven't even started yet You and I well, we're gonna have a little history lesson about some of the other comics Who got real big headed with their television shows. You know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna tell you where they're parking cars and where they're washing dishes And then after that arland mr. Big shot you and I are gonna have a talk about you Well, like I said, this seems to be the season for stories about comedians. I suppose that's why I'm telling you this one now Arland's problem Well, it was a problem most people have to face at least once in their lifetime It's got a lot of names swell head vein glory pride No matter what you call it. It's a tough one to whip I help arland beat the thing every week It's based on a custom invented by the romans when a general returned from a successful campaign and made his triumphal entry into Rome writing his chariot right through the cheering crowds There'd be a slave squatting in the front of the chariot out of sight. He'd keep saying the same thing over and over remember Thou art only human We use the same method only I guess a little bit more so Well, the show ought to be just about over by now. I guess we better get back inside, huh? Couldn't have been better of funnier show yet Now you see what I mean I have to go neutralize all that He's couldn't have done it without you, you know Hey, Don, wait. See you later, Don Yeah, oh Bill, I want to see you Don, catch the show? I couldn't stay for the whole thing but from what I saw I hope you're saving your money That bad? I'm glad I've got other clients I don't know Arland script was good. Everything was good, but your delivery it needs a lot of work Come on in the dressing room and tell me about it In a minute Right, I'll be getting this makeup boss See what I mean Crazy, but it works. He's turned into a real nice guy Well, back to work What are you talking to? Never mind. Let's talk about the way you butchered Bill Casson's script Linda Hopper whips up a new hat She takes a couple of everyday ordinary things like a tomato or a green apple Mixes it with a bunch of ribbon and lo and behold It's suddenly something that would do justice to John Frederick's or Lily Dashay Lots of husbands have seen their wives do the same thing And then too you read every now and then how some scientist mixes a concoction of ordinary things A sort of cocktail made of waste products and out of his magic test tube Come some application never heard of before Jewels out of sawdust perfume out of coal tar Medicine out of weeds or mold You never realize the beauty and the value of things until you experiment until you try them That's pretty much the same way about prayer Have you noticed lately how in the field of medicine the psychologist and the psychiatrist have been rediscovering the value of prayer But prayer has been there all the time Just for everyone's taking It's ironic to think that persons will accept prayer On the basis of an up-to-the-minute medical authority when for as long as they can remember religious authorities Have told them the same thing Yes, prayer is one of the forces of life itself But you've got to use it to get its benefits The jewel of a happy home life The perfume of uplifted hearts Medicine for a sick world Use prayer for your family life For the family that prays together Stays together More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of From Hollywood family theater has brought you transcribed last one in line starring dean miller Lucille ball was your hostess Others in our cast were a bill bacham Alice backis jack carol and jason johnson The script was written and directed for family theater by robert huo sullivan with music composed and conducted by harry zimmerman This series of family theater broadcasts is made possible by the thousands of you who feel the need for this type of program By the mutual network which has responded to this need and by the hundreds of stars of stage screen and radio Who give so unselfishly of their time and talent to appear on our family theater stage to them and to you our humble thanks This is tony lefranl expressing the wish of family theater That the blessings of god may be upon you and your home and inviting you to join us next week when family theater will present Retired starring edgar bucannon jack bailey will be your host join us won't you? 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