 These days for a guy it might seem like a commitment might seem obscure ambiguous cryptic vague mysterious confusing that sort of thing and I hear this from women frequently and I think we want I think it's important to explore why this happened But more importantly how to tell a guy how to tell if a guy really wants you in his life But before I do that I have to address a comment I just got on one of my YouTube videos and I actually like your perspective on this Marie So I want to read this for everybody and I actually you haven't even heard this before I want to get your take on it So it says Women shouldn't be doing all the work, which is what your channel is saying. We should do Men are winging it and in your words previously. So which I've said men are winging it And they and so they need our help leading which is why I recommend all these books I did all that with a guy sat back like a king and he expected God-like treatment your advice has some flaws Sorry to say So what are your thoughts to that? My thoughts are that Maybe that was the wrong guy to do this on and you know if you're teaching to read these books and do all this It just doesn't mean that everything you say is going to work with every single guy the same way. Yeah so We remember earlier we were talking about Commitment and we were saying, you know, the reality is is I believe only about 20% of men who are in the dating marketplace Genuinely want a partnership with someone. I mean and from your dating experience. Does that feel true? Well, I don't know what the percentages are but But I I just didn't waste time with anybody that just wasn't really going to go into it and you know, I Have to say this some of the comments that we have gotten first of all Thank you everyone for all the wonderful comments and for making me feel welcome, you know I that that was great, but you know, we also have gotten comments that were not so great And one of the things that that that people say is that well that I chased him I didn't chase him. I just made myself Available because he lived here and I was looking for somebody in California and yeah, so you made the initial effort Yeah, so it wasn't that I was chasing him, but a lot of women Just because they read a book think that now they can chase the guy because they know how to do it, right? Yeah, well first off, you know, I'm not a big well in our previous video I talked about don't chase a guy and at the same time make effort and coming back to this comment This woman made about you know, I said went men are winging it and they need a little bit of leadership from women What I mean is I believe women should lead by example in many cases on the emotional front of the relationship But more importantly, I'm all about empowering women not to accept bad behavior, which you would agree, right? I'm all about, you know making good choices. I my coaching is about teaching You know women how to vet for emotional maturity, so they don't waste time with the wrong guy and yeah I recommend books because books are a great source of knowledge, so You know, it just seems a little bit frustrating that Well, what I want to also say is I'm not making excuses for men So when I explain men are winging it and men have bad behavior and stuff I'm not making excuses for that I am full agreement that men should be doing personal development work self-help and spiritual work As much as I recommend it for women. Well, what I was going to say and women too There are a lot of women out there that shouldn't be dating They need to be you know, they need to work on themselves before they put themselves out there and some men don't know how to how to be open how to be a Lot of men they just don't know how it doesn't mean that they're not Available it's just that they don't know how to go about it. Men don't know how to date men are not all that smart Well, you know, it's funny. I think about this There's this belief that just because a guy is 50 years old You know, he should be good at this or just because he can pay his bills on time and he's successful professionally Doesn't mean he's good at this. I say most men are good guys Their bad daters are more importantly Most men are good guys and you can attest to what I'm about to say next a lot of guys are wounded And what I mean to say is they had some hurt in their previous relationships just like so many of you and Because of that hurt, I don't want to say they're damaged, but they're There's a there's a block for them to actually lean into a relationship Yes, I agree with that I dated someone there was a wonderful guy great guy, but it just wasn't going to go anywhere because He was you want to take it slow because he had been hurt so much. Well, I was being penalized for What other women did and that's you know, that's one thing that No, I'm not a dating coach, but I would recommend to everybody do not hold other people accountable for Do not hold someone accountable for what other people did, you know, you you need to be Yeah, it's funny. I jokingly always say I've gone on dates with women who you're sitting across from them at the restaurant Or you know or whatever and you can see every man that's ever hurt them standing behind them And what I mean to say is you know it's like literally their pain is bleeding over in the way they communicate in the way they connect and And and this is why I'm such a big proponent of doing work like you did the naked divorce After a significant your significant relationship ended and your marriage ended because you recognized that For you to go forward You needed I needed to heal I needed to heal for me not for a man Not to find a man. I needed to heal for me because I You gotta love yourself first and you had to have self-respect and all this stuff And and if you you don't feel that way then you're gonna put up with nonsense that you shouldn't put up with oh my god So we were having this really quickly. What did we do every morning? And why do you like it? Every morning we get up and have coffee and sit on the couch and just Talk about stuff talk about some of the comments talk about his Coaching which by the way I a lot of times I'm hearing him coach and It you know, it's very heartwarming that he genuinely cares and wants to help people and really it's not He really is trying to help as many women as he can and You know to get some negative comments. Well, you know, it's par for the course people are not always gonna be Nice, but but you know in general You're a good guy But he does a great job Well, my passion well, okay, so we sit on the couch We talk most mornings and a lot of times I'm picking your brain because I have a Obsession with human behavior, but more importantly, I have an obsession with the desire of helping people You know, I'm gonna say fall in love. I don't it's not exactly that but choose the right partner Grow with the partner. Yeah, and so, you know coming back to what we do every morning It's you know, this this topic is how can you tell a man? Want you in his life? I think when a man Genuinely says I want your opinion. I want your perspective. I want to talk with you on a Not, you know, not the surface level of how's your day going? Did you have a good day? But really talk to you about What you feel and your thoughts and your perceptions and your ideas, which I think I do And it makes me feel good that he cares So it's not exhausting Well, no exhausted was in the beginning because I didn't know you Oh, okay. So you just shared something interesting In the beginning my style of communication of curiosity At first felt overwhelming Yeah, it was overwhelming because I didn't have someone asked that many type of questions and I thought I thought I was not and it wasn't even the questions It's like if I gave an answer and it was let's unpack that and it's like Oh, I just answered your question But like what's there to unpack and then you realize that okay, what's behind my answer? Well behind my answer is, you know, la la la, whatever it was, but um, yeah, so One of the things that I enjoy most of my day is First thing in the morning, you know pajamas and you know cup of coffee and just sitting there and And we just talk about stuff So This leads back to this topic and by the way folks I I do have a confession because it might seem like I interrupt Marie on occasion It's also because There's you know, when I record these videos, you know, I I want to have a teaching lesson This isn't just a this isn't a talk show where we just have a good time. There's a purpose behind wanting to Provide knowledge provide information provide wisdom or whatnot So when you know when I do this on occasion, it's not meant to be disrespectful because I don't think I disrespect you In our day-to-day life whatsoever And in fact, I mean we can go on and on about lots of things and we can interrupt each other And these videos have been fun. Oh, yeah, they have fun. I haven't felt like there was anything negative so so coming back to Why man wants you in his life or how a man demonstrates you he wants you in his life and what are some of the signs Well, let's look at our relationship and let me just say something for everyone How we entered into relationship is not necessarily the role model for all relationships It's just a model and not the model Does it make sense? Of course it does because you can't One relationship doesn't compare to another everyone's different and you know when people come together, they'll Figure it out. Yeah, so in our case One of the things I think I did and you tell me and I'd like you to share with everyone what you thought was I was intentional once we agreed to explore a relationship I think what showed I want you in my life was I was intentional about Exploring a relationship together. Would you agree? Yes And how did that look and and what made you think that I wanted you in my life? Well in the beginning, you know To go back and forth as you know it's going to be costly and so he offered to help with the error and You know so we could see you just more and then we he Made an effort to make me feel Important enough that he's going to invest in me. Hmm. Okay So and it's that's not just paying for dinners kind of thing. There was a real investment in our relationship. He paid for dinners. I paid for breakfast That's kind of our usual ammo So so so investment of time Um an investment of introducing each other to each other's family. Yes, that's a big one Not maybe not family is right away But at least friends because you you want to know To know this person you need to know who they hang out with. Yeah, you know That old saying that your parents always said tell me what your friends are and they'll tell you who you are There's truth to that So, yeah, it's important to meet each other's friends and then eventually family Although we you know, you might my daughter pretty quickly. Yeah, and you met my son pretty quick So so I think another thing is where a lot of women feel frustration is in the The laps of communication like in other words where you might not speak to someone for days and you might You know, you might wonder you might have spoken to them and then you text and you haven't heard for a while Okay Stop right there. Okay a guy that does that is not that into you See for me, they'd say that again to everybody A guy that doesn't communicate In five or six days or respond to a text is not that into you that is not someone you want to invest in And they can come up with every excuse their dog died or you know, whatever, okay It no anybody that really wants to see you or or know Or cares about knowing about what's going on in your life They're going to make the effort to communicate You just said something cares about your life You know, I talk about trust is Trust isn't just about fidelity trust is a genuine interest in someone's life and more importantly You want the other person's successes you you want the other person Successes you look out for their best interest, you know, like so when someone goes mo or you know, or it's not mo. What's it called? What's it called where they go? You know off the grid or whatever, you know, like m.i.a. Yes, exactly. Thank you You know, that's like, you know, my my cell phone pocket dials three times a day You know, no one you know, and I think it's a bullshit excuse when someone says I don't have time We all have we all have the capacity to make time if it's important if it's important enough Yeah They will make time for you and you know, unfortunately Some people are just not that way and then to then the most cowardly thing I think is the ghosting Yeah, you know, here's the thing it goes both ways. I know how so that women do it too. Oh god Yeah, women go when women can be is by the way, I got ghosted three times before I met you Before we physically met I had actually three separate occasions in the course of about four months I literally got ghosted yeah, um and so When someone genuinely wants you in their life They make time to communicate And I want to bring something up for everyone because this is our dynamic So we're in a long-distance relationship before we moved in together Actually because you lived two hours ahead of me You usually sent me the good morning text You remember that? Yes. Okay. So you actually initiated the effort and What no it to it because to me that's normal Yeah, in other words, it doesn't have to be the guy that initiates, but the irony was I was already up I'd be texting you like literally seconds later Um, I when I say women make efforts It's I'm a big proponent of it's not one sided in other words It's not the expectation that the men make all the effort. I'm more of a believer where two people mutually invest Especially once they've decided they want to explore a relationship with each other um Actually, let's talk about that for a second we Both agreed we wanted to explore a relationship together that led to something significant Right, correct, and we did that very early on Yes, because of the distance like I didn't want to waste time okay Sorry interrupted you. You said you didn't want to waste time. I didn't want to waste time. No, I was okay. You were complete I'm trying to be better at this right so so But in a way and I was talking about this this morning I'm a big proponent of people Getting radically honest very early on to cut through the bullshit to cut through the crap if you will And say look are we going to explore a relationship together if we are what would that look like? Now you said to me. I think you said something like very rarely do guys do that um Yes, I agree. I very rarely do guys do that especially right like You know we had this was like the third time we've seen each other. Um, but If you don't try Then you'll never know so I don't have a problem with with With you know women exploring that in this case it was you because that's what I do for a living But but I mean I I learned from you too and especially in the beginning because I Who knew I would hate on a dating or relationship coach So well, okay shortly before you met me you were in a roughly a three month relationship In retrospect now would you've done it differently? It would have probably been a two week relationship Which means you would have three dates, right? Pretty much. Yeah, and okay Is that because you would have asked better questions, which I teach you my private By the way, right? There's a link to the schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you My whole coaching is all about helping women Come up based on their personality come up with the questions. They should be asking someone early on so Let's say you adopted that with this gentleman What do you think would have happened Well, first of all, I don't think he was ready to commit to any kind of relationship because he needed to do a lot of work Yeah, okay great man Really a good man, but he just Wasn't there but it took you three months to figure that out and my my thinking is couldn't we get there sooner? well Well, my situation was different though because he lived even though he lived in the area He was still kind of far so we didn't see each other that often. Okay, so You know, it's funny. We were talking about long distance. Yeah, you could live in los angeles be 10 miles apart and that's a long distance relationship so Spending time together is part of this equation How do you know if you're going to be compatible if you don't spend any time together? How can you even get to the point where you ask the questions of You know all the radical honest honesty questions If you don't spend time together you gotta spend time together. Well, but our current dating process is a very Kind of long drawn-out process. I see you once on friday. I see if I can see you again next saturday I see again three, you know two weeks later and this can drag out for weeks well, it's because In my opinion a lot of men, you know, they have a monday girl a tuesday girl a wednesday girl a thursday girl And you know, you're lucky if you make it to saturday night, you know, I don't I don't know that It's got you really had to ask the right questions because it this if it's just casual dating You have the right to know Where you stand at all times You have the right to know and if they're not willing To come forth and tell you well, you know, this is casual to me and we're just doing this then then you have You have to make the decision, but it's not he's not going to make the decision for you Well, okay, so we were talking about something else this morning where A lot of guys Don't want commitment and you said it's something about the swiping you thought Oh, so okay really quickly. I'm just And we were talking about why a lot of men don't want commitment and one of your thoughts was Because the next girl is a swipe away And they they're always looking over their shoulder Just in case So the other thing that we talked about is a lot of women and you know, I have a lot of friends that I've You know talked about A lot of Women feel that they're auditioning For a part, you know, like if they if you're really looking for a husband, let's say You're not going to go out with the guy that's dating five chicks A week, you know, that guy is not going to commit you're not going to talk him into Thinking that you're the best Okay What about the wounded guy that you're auditioning for the guy that isn't necessarily dating five women, but he's emotionally wounded He had a bad divorce. He's going through stuff. What about those situations? Where are your books? They're right behind me. So oh by the way in all fairness We're not talking about all men. We're talking what however You know a significant percentage of men and women are deeply wounded And have traumas from past experiences and childhood and adult experiences that when you're talking about my books Really need some personal development self-help spiritual work and therapy Before they're actually in the dating world and and I know that women tend to want commitment more than men at midlife But my belief system And I don't know if you agree with me or not because this you may not agree I believe maybe only about 20 of men really want partnership with someone Well, I think covet changed a lot because a lot of people wanted companionship and and I think it changed a lot but I really do believe that um But companionship isn't commitment by the way. I know okay, but you do believe what I really do believe that men In midlife that have been burned that have been divorced that lost half their money that those are the guys that are really wounded because they're not gonna They don't want to trust anybody again because look what happened to them Until then they focus on their career and they and so they just want to date just to Feel like they're still in the game. Yeah, they want to feel desired too. You know men like to feel desired so Let's let's put a bow on this and then we'll take questions in a moment Okay, so coming back to the title how you can tell if he wants you in his life um I think it's a fundamental word that comes up for me is consistent effort Time Okay time if they're willing to give you their time Do they care about what's going on in your life? Yeah You know somebody that it's they're they're not in it just for themselves. They're they're really genuinely want to You know, maybe they're not sure if they want to be in a partnership, but they're willing To put the effort in just to get to know you to see if you guys are a match I like that you said give time, you know, it's weird. I was thinking of make time But there's a difference the word give time in other words, okay, I may be busy I'm going to make time for you. I want to give you that time Even though I might be busy versus making time feels like it might be a sacrifice Whereas giving time feels like give it, you know, like we because we talked about givers make better People who are givers in relationship make a lot better couples than people who are takers. Okay So I'd like that you said give time so Efforts consistent effort giving time When a person is oh, let's be clear about one thing Not as a way to get into your pants though. Yes. Were you thinking that? So a lot of guys will do that initially as a way to get laid Well, I want to tell you something that was a really great experience for me And it was someone that I dated and he had a high profile job and he was extremely busy And he would call From the gate to the corporate jet You know just a 30 second call just to say hey, you know, I'm gonna be gone I I just wanted to say goodbye and I just you know Like he made me feel special. He made me feel that I was worthy of knowing Where you know that he was going to be off the grid and he wanted me to know that he Really quickly who is this guy and why aren't you with him? I'm just kidding Let's not go down that candy that rabbit hole. All right, you know, I think thanks for sure. I'd have to have my own show Okay, I think this would be a great place to jump in and Take questions So for those who know my format if you have a question for either myself or Marie or for both of us Write the word question then post the question there after in the chat box Or you can purchase a super sticker super chat. There's a little dollar sign there All the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Conor Asley That's a picture of him right there behind Marie He's my son who passed away a few years ago and in his honor We've started a scholarship fund to donate to nonprofits like the Hoffman process and insight institute Just to name a few and if you're watching the replay you can purchase a super Thanks as a way to show your appreciation. Okay, so let's see what kind of questions I see a lot of comments have come in. So let's see if any questions have come in while we've been chatting Um, let's see lots of comments. Yeah, lots of comments. Someone says yes, Marie. Thank you Oh, by the way, while I'm looking for waiting for people to write comment or questions Do you want to give your makeup tips that I'll keep asking about? Hey YouTube it Isn't that what you did? No, I mean, I look I've always played with makeup Especially during coven that was my therapy but um What's actually your skincare routine is what they've said so But it's the same thing, right? I just you know a good moisturizer Always moisturize under the eyes wash your face before you go to bed. I'm not that good at that. I'm not good at it All right. Let's see if we have any questions Oh, someone says jana says That's a real challenge not to take your baggage into the new person. This has always been My promise to myself not to do it's not far. It's not fair to yourself or to the new person people are so damaged Yeah, yeah, that's I'm in the room. Yeah, I'm in agreement, you know, I I think it's really hard to I think Healing requires an understanding that you might have been hurt And oftentimes we point the finger at the other person who hurt us and not really the actual hurt that may have occurred And how that might manifest itself in the future So doing healing first is one of the fundamental principles of what I teach in my coaching. So Go ahead. Well, no, it's just like You know having dated somebody that was a serial cheater um, how could I hold somebody else Accountable for that You know, so I had to heal myself so that I could trust again. Got it. Got it. Got it. Okay Hey, we looks like we have some questions that come in so Jeanette writes question Why don't men do self-development versus jumping into a new relationship? Do you have an opinion on I have a I have lots of thoughts on that, but do you have an opinion? I Okay, I'm not the expert, but I think it's because Men have to feel that gap that void. So if they get out of a relationship They just want to hurry up and find something else to feel better. That's what I think So my thoughts are a little bit different. I think women tend to purchase relationship oriented books more so than men However in the personal development realm like tony robbins I mean more than 50 of the people at his workshops. They're men. I did the Hoffman process. It was 20 men and 19 women I went to insight it was literally of the 120 people there I want to say it was 50 men and 70 women I mean, there's a significant percentage of men doing personal development work What men don't do is read relationship books So when that remember the first comment I was talking about women The comment was jonathan. You're just telling women to do all the work Well, it's because you read more of the books than men do So you are are both more knowledgeable Should be more knowledgeable about relationships, but more importantly When you set your standard It allows a man to go Oh, you know like because men are good at instructions if you give us instructions, we go to follow We can be good at following them Oh man, so that's all I'm saying is lead by example because you might know more. Anyway, that's my opinion on that one Um, okay. Did you have anything to add? Uh, okay, let's see. We got lots now linda writes question How often a week is good to show me I'm important for a serious relationship I think she means how often should we see each other or speak together during the week What do you think? Well, I think that varies from relationship to relationship I mean some people have kids that they're Shulking around to sport events and whatever um You have to decide what's what's comfortable for you if you want to see someone two times a week three times a week I So my thinking is a little different I believe without consistent Consistent face to face time Mm-hmm. It's rare a relationship will take off on the ground Well, if they're living in the same town, we're not talking about long distance But if they're living in the same town and and they're running in different directions Well, maybe they're not even like yeah ready to be able to be in a relationship But I know someone that they would see each other once or twice a week And then the rest of the week they would face time while she's cooking dinner while she's doing stuff So if you really want to make it work, you can the guy was willing to do that But ultimately again, okay, I'm a little bit Righteous with what I'm about to say. Okay. I'm a little bit, you know parental Okay, because I'm the big brother, you know the way I coach The bottom line is this It okay, we live together. Okay Which we're together 24-7 practically, okay, not everyone's going to do that and I recognize this but ultimately Don't you want to have a day-to-day relationship? Not you per se, but ultimately don't you want to have a relationship where you're spending on average three or four days A night's a week together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends Traveling together teamwork building skills both in your personal your professional life intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy Because what's the point if you're not capable of doing that? That's my I mean I'm righteous, but you have to You have to remember that there are some moms out there that are still raising. Oh, okay So in that particular case Then I think okay great points. Um, and we're in the midlife category. So that's a great point Ultimately, then you have to decide are we two people that can blend our lives together if that's not possible that Don't invest on the chemical bandwagon of chemistry the attachment bandwagon of love attachment Only to find yourself Three six eight months ten months down the road You know Devastated because you were investing someone whose lifestyle isn't compatible with yours and that's one of wait my relationship iceberg I talk about you know blend of first really quickly everyone just see this You know it says chemistry shared values blend of a lifestyle and and emotional maturity Blendable lifestyles is part of the equation and spending regular time together If it if it isn't possible Then it's going to be a challenge. That's all i'm going to say That's going to be a challenge, but people getting into this if you have young kids What are you going to do well then find people whose lifestyles are compatible? um Because if it's not You know you don't want to go down the road of introducing your children to someone who's going to be gone in six months Well, that that's a huge thing. I I agree with that but um, but there are You know there are people out there that have kids and you know men that have their kids on the weekends So therefore they can't date on the weekends. They have their kids and stuff So there has to be some flexibility too I get it but at some point how long are you going to do this for if you're not doing it with the intent Okay, again, I'm righteous here. I'm all about couples either moving in together or getting married Within a one to two year period of time of their relationship. Either it's working towards that Or you're just dating and it's casual dating which by the way for some people that might be enough That's not where I want to go. I my teaching is all about those who want partnership And how to figure out those men in particular who are ready for partnership But if that's what you want to do, that's okay too. Yes. All right, let's keep going All right Rose writes by the way, thank you for your question previously question Why do some men say they don't want to hurt us but in the end they do But okay, so what I've heard what I've heard from From people I know it's A lot of times it's the scapegoat of it's not you It's me and I need to do this so they think they're hurting The person less But in reality, it's just somebody that you weren't compatible with You know The hardest thing is to find yourself in a situation in a circumstance or an experience where you like someone And as you got to know them You began to like them less and or You found that you weren't Falling in love with them Okay, that's kind of and I use the term falling in love, but you're not loving them. You're not in love with them That's a really That's a really shitty place to be because You know, you like this person you care about them. You want their well-being, but you're not over the hump And to be fair to them You have to end it Because it gives them an opportunity to go find someone who can love them Now it might be because they have their own shit or maybe you're just not the one This is the role of the dice we play in dating and One of the things I admire about what you shared about your experience and not that you had a lot of experience after your divorce and your significant relationship ended You You had enough self-respect Sounds like i'm putting words in your mouth, but you had enough self-respect Then you got not you wouldn't allow yourself to get attached Until it was something real That's the way I interpreted your experience Pretty much like when I went out, you know, it was always kind of like, okay Let's see how this goes if it's the meet and greet. I'll have a glass of wine or a coffee or whatever it is And then maybe a second date and if I just I I just wasn't gonna fall for um I got approached by a lot of men that I would consider serial daters or Just you know just looking for fun and I once I knew that Once I figured that out it was like, okay. I'm done with this. Thank you very much. So you wouldn't You didn't operate like a lot of And again, this is sound might sound like a judgment, but I see this with a lot of women They get attached to the outcome. They're auditioning for the guy and worse They need What I always say I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself You know when I've talked about that right that if you're operating from that place You're gonna get hurt over and over and over again coming back to the hurt because sometimes Two people aren't a fit and when they end it they don't want to hurt you But if and by the way, I think too Okay, we've talked about this this today If now we could be wrong and by the way, some people think we're gonna break up, but uh But we said if we actually had to end it we think we would do it avarically Oh, absolutely. There's no there's no reason Okay, I mean I I have an amicable relationship With both my Exes yeah, and I I do as well. I think I don't And and so anyway, I'm going off on a tangent but coming back to the answer the question. I think some people They don't want to hurt you. They're trying not to but the end of the day when you end a relationship It is going to sting whether we like it or not. Okay. Let's keep going All right Jennifer writes question. What about the guy that tries to sleep with you each date after four days? I'm gonna jump in I'm a guy. I want to sleep with every woman. I'm sorry men can be and by the way I don't mean it that way, but I just simply mean men are driven by sex. That's not an uncommon thing I'm sure you've experienced those guys Yes, I have and the way I had you handle it I um Well, I didn't always follow your Your training. Okay. They didn't know you okay, but at the same time, you know We're grown-ups and and if I made the decision to go down that road It I accepted full responsibility It's not the guy and I felt like I was in control of of myself No, I think the question is what how would you tell a guy? No, it tries too hard Perhaps where he's just focused on the sex. How would you tell a guy? No? Well, how would I tell a guy? No? Oh, I was good at that Really, I got to hear this I was really good. It's like, you know, I'm not at a point in my life where I wanted I want to be doing that. I don't sleep around. I that's okay. Okay So I'd like to get to know you better before I think about it So that's your advice to her but that would be my advice to you but if but if it's somebody that if you It's up to you you own your life. Don't let anybody else control it. Yeah, okay All right, let's keep going. Thank you so much, jennifer. Let's see janice here question What advice and books would you recommend after coming out of an abusive relationship that lasted for years? I read self-love very good book Use of relationship Trying to think which book would I recommend hold on one second I would think that you would consider therapy because So marie actually turned me on to this book. It's called uh making your second marriage a first class success and why and when I began reading this book Why well? Okay, here's the thing Many of us have been in relationships that may not be a marriage, but it it's almost in essence was so it doesn't actually have to be A marriage or even a you know, you could add a second significant relationship that felt like a marriage What I like about this book is it starts with the premise that You had a failure before you had an ending before So what are you going to learn from this experience? And how are you going to do it differently? How are you going to do it better? And that's what I like about this book the challenge with abuse Is you have to heal though. Yeah, you that one you have to do I would say a tremendous amount of inner work and healing before I put myself in a circumstance of Of just dating in general, right? Well, and then once once you've healed yourself You will see those red flags of Somebody that is an abuser. They are they're out there They're out there and one of the things that jonathan teaches is how to recognize A good guy versus somebody that may turn into an abuser. Yeah, I'm I'm my private coaching which we do and I Here's the thing abusive people. I mean, well Physically abusive people. I mean that's sometimes really hard to spot So I want to differentiate between that and emotionally abusive people the one thing I will say They actually give a lot of clues. Again, this is something I teach in my private coaching They do give a lot of clues. You just have to learn how to recognize them in some ways You have to be a detective and these days sometimes you have to be a detective and even do a background check Check on people and look into their past because the fact I did that With me I did that with everybody. Okay, so I'm a big proponent of doing background checks and because if you're meeting total strangers I've done it a few times. And by the way, I literally caught someone absolutely lying Like right from the get-go like and anyway, so, you know doing background checks I think is some prudent thing to do and and again when you're meeting total strangers If you have a sense of some of their, you know, have a connection to part of their life It might be a little bit different, but I definitely would do that as well All right Colleen says great content. Thank you both. Well, thank you so much Colleen. We appreciate that christy writes question If a man usually acts more like a friend but only acts like he's interested when there's a threat he may lose me Um, I'm not sure. Oh, so the question is so her the question is Is this relationship worth pursuing? Right. All right. What do you think sweetheart? Well, you're in the friend zone Unless somebody else might want you because then the male ego comes in, right? Well, okay So men can be territorial, right? So I think the reason why I put it in the friend zone is he likes her but She's just not the one Okay, for whatever reason, but he's territorial So the minute some other guy is, you know, like uh is in the hen house The you know, the rooster is in the hen house. He wants to kick him out Uh, here's the bottom line. Look at you're either pursuing a relationship or not okay now Let me pause for a second Because we started long distance We just spoke to each other for a year and we developed a bit of rapport with each other and a little bit of a friendship So that when we physically met we weren't strangers This is why I'm a big proponent if you two people like each other There's mutual chemistry and you both have agreed that you want a relationship in your life Then be intentional and say let's explore a relationship together and lay your cards on the table sooner rather than labor Later if this guy's acting like a friend It's you know, you're in the friend zone. You're in the friend zone. Yeah All right, let's keep going linda writes question Do you want to read this or can you with your Okay, uh question tried to my former comment, uh, how about how many times a week to see each other In a serious relationship. I failed to mention. I'm a traveling nurse. So Well, I kind of laid out I believe Consistent physical presence Which allow you to do social activities hobbies and mutual interests together Creates the bond for two people to build a long lasting relationship together It's very difficult when it's spread out over a period of time To build the bond and ultimately you have to ask yourself Again coming to lifestyle like within the component of our relationship Our lifestyles is you're part of everything I do and I'm a part of everything you do now That might be the extreme. Okay, what I mean to say is that that might be more than what most people can do But the end of the day If you can't blend your lives together You know, if you can't do it now, when are you going to do it? What what do you need to have happen? For you to get there and at least then figure out Okay, what do you need to have happen to get to a place where you can spend your lives together and try to figure out Why that might be happening. Okay. All right. That's okay All right, did I I hope I made sense linda. Did that make sense? Well, if she's a traveling nurse I mean, I don't know how much she travels linda, I don't know how much you travel but That might be hard. It's like flight attendants, you know You're trying to make get a relationship going when you're a flight attendant and then you have to have a very secure man That is okay with you going away. So That's a tough one. I don't well then the time together needs to be serious quality time And I would include a lot of intentional conversations if you're exploring a relationship together So linda, thank you so much for that question There's a question mark question melphie melphie I'm in love with an avoidant. He said he loves me But isn't in love with me because he has a fear of rejection What is the best way to deal with this without a book, please? Did you notice today? I haven't been bombarding everyone with books. I know when I'm on you don't do books. Yeah Okay An avoidant avoidant Avoidant attachment style. So they avoid emotional intimacy. They avoid relationship. They have a fear of rejection You know, I don't know. I I don't think I could handle that. So again, I'm I'm pleased forgive me. I'm eating a mint I'm a big proponent of laying your cards on the table early If the penis gets to go inside the vagina ladies heard me say this before Then you have every right to be to ask a lot of questions be intentional Ultimately, here's the question I invite you all to ask What does a relationship look like for you? And what does commitment look like for you? I did this with you early on A relationship look like we're gonna have to spend a lot of time together and we're gonna have to move in together For this to work That's what it needed to be for this to get there And so we put the steps together to make that happen If if Here's the thing. I know it's frustrating because women want men to lead this process. Okay, but but in this case Does that man even know that he's in a relationship? Probably not. You know, there hasn't been enough real dialogue real communication There's just some probably some peripheral dating probably a lot of talking on the phone Which is just a form of therapy in my opinion Or not real therapy, but false both therapy So I put your cards on the table and see where he acts and you have to self-respect. We were talking about this Is being willing to walk away Yeah, yeah, okay. Okay. All right Thank you for that question Um the so Cal Trojan Oh Why do men go to strip clubs if they are in a relationship when they say they want commitment and get married and have kids with you You know, it's funny. We were watching the Chippendales movie last night for the series and One of the people on 90 days fiance. That's what he likes to do is go to strip clubs I was thinking about women going to Chippendales. You know, why did they do that? Yeah, but Okay, someone who has a need to go to strip clubs probably wants some variety Um There's and some visual variety You know to me, I don't want to characterize that person as having an issue But I'm gonna say the person has an issue If you need pornography Consistently or you need strip clubs for your sexual satisfaction Then I would have a conversation about with that person and you either join in with it Well, I was going to say that why can't you go with them? Yeah, you go with them And make it a mutual thing or you just say that doesn't work for you. I mean, that's an that's the that's the approach I would take Oh, I'm just reading. Oh, no, you're not married. Just I they want a commitment and to get married and have your kids so um Well They say they want this but they go to strip clubs. You know what have a conversation and ask what What fulfillment are you getting at this and why doesn't our relationship have that fulfillment for you? That would be like to me. I'm doing that is he's just living the bachelor life That's what he's doing. Okay. So Yeah, you have to take that a little bit further All right, leaf rights. I'm just curious because I saw Matthew hussy's name Matthew hussy says that a guy who says he doesn't want to hurt you is telling you that he's going to hurt you So go ahead anyway, and then it's all on you because he warned you in the beginning You know I'm in agreement with that When someone says like when they say you deserve better I think of it that way. Yeah, I think these are copouts. Those are copouts. It's not you. It's me. I don't you Well, sometimes it is you I'm just kidding not you for no, but I think for the most part a guy that's doing that He's pulling away. He doesn't like it. Yeah, I I call them escape clauses Sometimes we plant, you know, it's funny after my divorce I didn't realize this until I connected the dots later, but I planted the escape clauses right from the beginning So when I mean by escape clauses, um, you know, I'm going through a you know I'm kind of going through a difficult divorce and a lot of women like oh, I'm sorry. You're going through a difficult divorce How can I support you? And then the minute we got too close to one another my escape clauses, you know what this divorce is just Overwhelming me. I just can't take it. I need to take a break and the bullshit part of that was And I was on the dating apps the next day By the way, this was 15 years ago. This wasn't like last week. So I think men plant the seeds of escape So I did it unconsciously Until I noticed the pattern Like Matt hinge. Oh gosh. Okay. Let's not go down No, I Okay, there's a guy that told me right from the start. I'm a city rat. You know, this is in Chicago I'm a city rat and you're in the suburbs now and and all this And then I'm like, okay Bye And then he kept texting me and sending me stuff and he's like, well, when are we gonna meet? Well, you told me you're a city rat So his escape clause was we're not a fit for each other because You don't live in the city and I can call you at the last minute and say let's go here Okay, and you're like that doesn't work for me. Okay Uh, we have time for a few more questions. Pamela writes question How about a committed relationship that you spend one in one to two days and nights per week And both are very busy doctors and I have only one or two nights to invest in a relationship Well, again, that's fine But the end of the day is Is that what your relationship is going to be for the next 10 years? Like if if that's the type because some people if that's what they're going to have for the next 10 or 20 years of their lives Then that's okay I think most people want to eventually they're move in together get married. So the question is how are you going to bridge that gap from You know barely seeing something or occasionally seeing each other to regularly being in a capacity To either, you know, live together again. I might be puritan on this folks. I'm a little bit right I think Both being doctors and I'm familiar with that It's rough especially I don't know what part if they're still in training and so it it's going to be very difficult So if you can bring it the gap closer and you can move in together then Those one or two days might be the days that you have quality time, but you can at least see each other every day I'm going to assume that there's distance involved because Two people that can that live in the same city that have work They can make time to see each other. Hey, I'll see on Tuesday night. I'll see on Thursday night We'll do weekends together that sort of thing. It's usually the dynamic when there's distance involved and my point is What's the plan to if you don't live together is live really close to one another What's the plan and my point is I see a lot of women who invest one year two years three years Hoping that something's going to change and hope and magic fairy dust doesn't make things change What makes things change or at least what creates trust Is heart felt radical honesty communication? You agree Yes, I agree, but I also You know you got to be realistic people have jobs from demanding jobs They just have to make if they both make the same effort Well, you can have a demanding job, but ultimately Do you want a day-to-day relationship or do you want a casual relationship? And that's okay, too I'm not denying that and it can be monogamous and exclusive But what's it going to take to take it from casual to commit it? Well, it goes back to having that radically honest conversation of Where do you want this to go and you know Then you can make a decision and you're the only one that can make that decision I'm a big proponent of women telling the men what they want And seeing if the guy wants the same thing Here's what I want The do you fit or not because if you don't fit I got I can go online and get another guy tomorrow I'm not saying it that crass, but and again you guys are in a relationship But ultimately my suspicion is you've got distance the question is bring that distance closer together Have those conversations and see where it goes from there By the way folks, I'll save the last we're going to wrap up in a minute or two If you have any questions specifically for marie and myself. This is your last chance to post it. So By the way, has this been valuable to you have is this resonated with you if it has please hit that like button Please share this video with friends. Please subscribe to my channel And if you need some support check out in the description below you can schedule a discovery call with me You could join my group called midlife love master. You can follow me on instagram You can get all the books. I recommend those are in the description below. All right Uh, let's see Let's see. Here's regina says How do I get my man of a few months to open up on his feelings? He wants me around all the time But scared to open up. We both have bad breakups How would you get a guy to open up? I thought we already answered that well, I I think Men often we're raised to be stoic. We're raised to stuff our emotions I'm a big proponent of one of the reasons why I recommend the books I recommend like for example eight dates by doctors john and julie gotman is that it has a list of Conversations you might want to explore To Create intimacy with one another in fact one of the bicks. I recommend frequently By the way folks if you're not familiar now, I'm pulling out books Okay, if you're not familiar with the book called emotional intimacy by robert masters folks If you don't know what emotional intimacy is Then learn what it looks like so then you can be prepared to have the conversations to create emotional intimacy you know I jokingly say These days most people's conversations look like this. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day Okay I know you get tired of it but my point is If you want to go below the surface kind of like what we we talked about earlier We do our morning conversations I don't we we might start the surface But then we go a layer below that a layer below that the layer below that It it happens by being curious Have a curious mind and what that means is ask curious questions to open someone up And then at the end of the day you have to ask yourself does this person have the emotional capacity To lean into the kind of relationship that I really want What did your dating profile say you wanted? A deeply connected relationship that they lead to mutual trust and admiration Okay, and And I suspect that the way I showed up Fit that fit that if I didn't show up that way would you want a relationship with a person that can't go deep? They'd say that again for everybody. I said I said no and thank god. He wasn't holding the fish Okay, thanks for that. I appreciate it. All right I just saw something Oh my gosh, uh roller girl says she's loving this. Thank you so much Margaret says very valuable. Thank you so much Anna says great talks Marie. Thank you for that. Thank you. Let's see Barbie says you both look beautiful. You both look beautiful amazing together. Thank you so much. We appreciate that You know what? We have so much that we could go on for quite some more time You know, we're getting we're getting ready to wrap up. I want a cocktail. I want to connect Folks, um, I hope you had value from this conversation and coming back to the original topic How to know a man wants you in his life? What did you say it was Yeah, do you remember what you said? I'll give you a time. He gives you his time And I say consistent effort He's giving you his time and his consistent effort. It's consistent, you know You shouldn't doubt it That's the thing if if you're doubting whether you know, they're really into you and stuff Then it's not working Oh Well before we wrap up, do you mind sharing what we've talked about? How does our relationship feel to you? In in what way? Oh, they're safe. Yeah, say oh wait say that again say that out. I feel safe. Okay, so safe You've said comfortable safe Safe to me is a sense and I feel safe with you by the way safe emotionally Safe to me is like It's like when you're home you feel safe in your home. What it means to me is that You're not doubting all the time. Yeah My heart feels safe My um, I just you know, my feelings are are safe You know, that's not to say that that there are things that don't trigger us But but you feel like you're in a safe place to express things and that's okay. So I want to end on this note folks That's how it should feel When you're in the right relationship, it actually happens relatively smoothly Relatively smoothly and more importantly it should feel safe. That's the that's the that's the emotion That's the feeling I want you to to be Cognizant of and you don't have to work for it. Hmm. You don't have to work for it. Oh, I love that one Give me a bump on that one. Yeah All right, I think this will be a great place to wrap up this video for those who know my format I always give myself a big gigantic job to bear hug, but I'm gonna reach over to my sweetheart and give her a big hug Thank you so much for joining us tonight. I want to reach into the camera and give you all a big hug as well If that's okay Uh, and if uh, and if you don't have someone to hug hug a pet hug a friend hug a pillow Hug a teddy bear just like the one behind me All right, I think this will be a great place to wrap up this video. Thanks everyone Bye. Bye Okay, I really quickly I want to thank Elena and Janice and espy and leaf and gale and nicole and anna and starship and Regina Captain everyone. Thank you so much. Have a fab evening. Bye now. Bye. Bye