 This is Ronald Coleman inviting you to join Mrs. Coleman and me for the next half hour when our sponsors, the brewers of Schlitz beer, present the halls of Ivy. Five good beer, two as millions of people are doing all over the country. As for Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Schlitz tastes so good to so many people that it's the largest selling beer in America. It has to be fine to be first. It is in the town of Ivy USA. The annual theatrical production of the Athenaeum Club is only a few weeks away. So far, against all tradition, there's been no announcement about what play they're doing. It's unthinkable, of course, that they should not do the importance of being earnest, the rivals, Lady Windermere's fan or something equally public domain. But who knows, even at the home of Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, the president of Ivy, it's under discussion. With the authority of her years at the English Theatre, Victoria Cromwell Hall says... Frankly, Toddy, I'm a little hurt. I'm mortified and mystified too. Why, my darling? Well, usually the Athenaeums are around here right after Christmas to ask my advice on plays and casting. This year, I just sit in the window, twitching the curtains, and what happens? Nothing. Well, that may be what they'll put on as a result of their negligence. Nothing. A play in no acts by Raymond Zero, starring Gladys Absent. Costumes by Edith Nobody. Book and lyrics by Don Empty and Nat Vacant. Watch for opening May the 33rd. But Vicki, as for the Athenaeums, I have been snooping. When? That's my department. Women are permitted to snoop. But when a man does it, it's called checking the background. Well, at any rate this afternoon, I allowed myself to wonder. In fact, I rather steered myself in the general direction of the Athenaeum Club, hoping they'd be rehearsing. Hoping they'd left a window shade up. There is some rising old joke we used to have about an old rake in a grass widow. But, fortunately, I can't remember how it goes. Well, that's just as well, darling. No, they didn't leave a single peephole. Stage-struck hall was foiled. Oh, it's too bad. And you must have noticed over the years that I am very beserved with a tenderest cut of ham. I've always been sure there's a real affinity. Well, you mean that... I certainly do. I'm sure you would. I haven't the slightest doubt. I've been an actor. If you hadn't been a college president, which you're better than anyone else is at it. Good heavens, what construction? Are you criticizing my English or admiring my figure? I did. I only criticize your English at rare intervals, but your personal architecture is a constant source of admiration. This, however, concerns your syntax. My syntax, I'll have you know, is paid up to June 15. Now, I was merely saying that had you not been an excellent college president, you would undoubtedly have been an equally excellent actor. That's better. You see, the use of the participle is one of... I would. You really think I'd have been a good actor? My own figure's too late even now. We'll make the rounds over the Broadway producers. Cromwell and Hall. I'm taking top billing on account of my greater experience. I don't know why top billing is so important to you theatre people. What difference does it make? Whose name comes first? Oh, dear innocent lamb. Well, theatrically, this is a very basic thing. Now, let me demonstrate. I wish you would. Ever hear of Barnum and Bailey? Of course. Phineas T. Barnum. T for Taylor. Eminent showman, psychologist and cynic. Author of and profiting hugely from the famous dictum, the Zersucker born every minute. Prince of Hamburg and shrewd promoter of those renowned personalities, Tom Thumb, Jenny Lind, Jumbo the Elephant, and the fraudulent Cardiff Giant. Excellent. So much for Barnum, who got top billing. Now, tell me about Bailey, who was billed second. I see what you mean. Thank you, teacher. Well, you're quite welcome. Very bright pupil. Now then, what happened at the Athenaeum Club? Nothing. From the play of the same name by Raymond Zero. Well, all right. If you'll roll me my crystal ball, I'll tell you what happened. I'm a medium, you know. Uh-huh. How's business? Medium. It's always been my policy to strike a happy medium, but in your case, madam, I restrain myself. So read the ball. Read the crystal ball, Fatima. Well, I see a man. I cannot make out what his name is, but his initials are Clarence Wellman. Well, you certainly can't expect me to pay for a reading about anyone with such revolting initials. Well, if I don't think of a name, I won't charge you. Good. This man, however, is about to charge you. Well, it's his privilege. He opened the account himself. He will charge that you have assailed his dignity, undermined his pomposity, and generally offended his squeakishness by coming to the assistance of the Athenaeum players. Well, that's ridiculous. They won't even let me in. He will state that although he had definitely cancelled this evening's scheduled rehearsal, because he found it necessary to use their hall for a business meeting, you have found it necessary to oppose him and coddle the aspiring actors by finding them other quarters in which to rehearse. This man considers this over and above your jurisdiction. Well, I consider it over and above his to interfere with rehearsals. Why doesn't he have the business meeting in his own house? Or in his office? Why won't he stand for it? Have you done any of these things he's accusing you of? I've never even heard of them. Then what are you mad at? I don't know. You're too good an actress. I thought it was all true. It is. Jimmy Thornton told me all about it this afternoon, throwing them out, I mean. So I tried a new arrangement of furniture in the living room. It looks quite nice. And it'll work out all right as a stage. You mind? Mind, my dear. I simply marvel at the spectacular luck which brought me you. But I suspect you... You do? A little. The mountain didn't come to Muhammad, but... Uh, yes. So if they couldn't find a hall to work with, in one place it was suggested that they might find two halls somewhere else, right? Right. I don't know that you'll find the lighting just right, ladies and gentlemen. Nor all the necessary crops. Props, Toddy, props. Oh, yes, thank you. Nor all the necessary props, but you're most welcome here. Work as long as you want. And as loud. Well, you don't know what a break this is for us, Dr. Hall. You've saved our lives. Dr. Hall. Yes, what is it, Roger? Is that old poop the right to throw us out? That old... Poop, Toddy. I'm sorry, Doctor. I mean, Mr. Wellman. Well, frankly, I don't think he has. Although I understand Mr. Poopman... I mean, Mr. Wellman... has put up a great deal of money for the modern development of the classic drama. But that's the whole purpose of the Athenaeum Club. Why doesn't he throw his business meeting out then? Why have you kept the name of this year's production such a secret? Well, frankly, Mrs. Hall, we wanted to keep the whole thing dark until it was too late to do anything about it. We don't think that Mrs. Hall would disagree with it. Hmm, I'd like to find out before commenting on that whether this is a frankly dirty play or just one appealing to the lower intellect. Well, before I ask anything about the play, does Mr. Wellman know what it is? Yes, sir. Ah, and how did he find out? He followed the gas man in when he came to read the meter. Then he didn't leave, and right in the middle of the biggest scene in the play, a closet door opened, Wellman walked out and said, Disgraceful, utterly disgraceful, this is not Shakespeare. Don't bother, I can find my own way out. Swam the door. Shakespeare? Is it Shakespeare? Let's put it this way, Doctor. The Athenaeum Club is supposed to go in for modern development of the classic drama. Yeah, that's right. Well, we just take the word modern seriously, that song. You don't mean that you've rewritten Shakespeare? We've thrown him out all together. For the first time in my life, William, I'm thinking of going into business with Mr. Wellman. Yes, well, I think before you boys and girls go to work, it's advisable that we learn a little bit more about what's really going on. What play are you doing? Romeo and Juliet. Romeo and Juliet. It's a slight switcheroo, out of respect to the original author. This is a modern play? Well, our way it is. I hope the festival of Britain doesn't get wind of this author. My end up as the year the tight little island came loose. We just think that a modern paraphrase of the great old love story will get understanding from a lot of people who'd feel otherwise that the classic drama was being shoved down their throats. Well, you must know all of you that Mrs. Hall and I are most interested in the theatre and any of its developments. Personally, I've always felt that the most interesting thing development of the theatre in the past decade has been Mrs. Hall. Oh, what a nice switch in the conversation. Let's pursue the subject, unless you feel that marriage ends the pursuit. Oh, I don't see how you could possibly have given it up, Mrs. Hall. The theatre, I mean. Really, Hazel? Well, take another look at the doctor. Oh, I'd love it. Hello, Dr. Hall. Yes, Hazel. That's enough. That's just one look, I said. There's no reason to go mad. I don't like to divert this new and charming conversational tangent, but we were talking about the theatre. Well, I just thought Mrs. Hall must miss it, that's all. It is my sincere hope that she misses it like a hole in the... well, like an aperture in the medulla oblongata. Which has nothing to do with our sincere regard for the field of dramatic art. It provides meat and drink for the emotional appetite of mankind, and affords an opportunity for expression which nothing else in our culture can completely satisfy. The fourth wall of the stage is the fourth dimension of the roaming spirit. Yes, a statement which I must examine closely sometime to see if it makes any sense whatsoever. You've proved that you feel that way, doctor, by letting us come here. Well, that may be. Mr. Wellman, however, must not be lightly dismissed. If I am to be attacked for my cooperation, I must see that it is not blind cooperation. So, get to work, you people. You have your first audience and no coaching, Vicky. Oh, I wouldn't dare coach Shakespeare. A friend of mine once said, if I ever tempered with any work of the bard, it would be the shaming of the true. Well, don't worry, Mrs. Hall. It isn't Shakespeare. It's me. I wrote it. Hmm. For one who has tampered with the immortal works of Shakespeare, you appear quite unabashed. Have you, um... ever considered pepping up the New Testament in your spare time? Well, it is a pretty complete switch from the original, Dr. Hall. You see, my julio is in overalls, and, uh, Romiet has a dust cloth in one hand and her budget book in the other. You see, doctor? Yes, but it's a... The reminiscent of the burlesque bit, Mrs. Hall does, entering up a stage left with feather duster and saying, Well, here it is, 12 o'clock, and the master and mistress not yet home from the ball. Oh, I see the robbers have left the piano in the woods. So now is my chance to do my little song and dance. No, it isn't quite that burlesque. It's, uh, it's a story of the eternal conflict. It's a saga of the tenements. Never give a saga an even break, Barnum. No, no, no, Vicky, no. Well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Dye. It just slipped out. I shouldn't try those with the British accent. Um, what made me think of it was a certain individual who won't give anybody an even break, even a saga. Oh, you're so right, Mrs. Hall. Mr. Wellman expresses great love for the Athenaeum Club generally and absolutely hates this play specifically. He thinks it breaks a tradition. Well, I'm breaking one myself by agreeing with him, but I must say he's right about that. I should like to hear some of it. We don't have enough of the cast to give you very much. Unless Mrs. Hall might help us out. Oh, I wouldn't think of it. Unless you happen to have a script right with you and are ready to start right now. Here's one, and we are. Let's take it from Act One, Scene Two. That's you, Jimmy. Oh, you're a very sharp, smart showman, Roger. Giving the author the first chance at his own words. Apple polisher. Oh, it's in free verse. Yes. All right. Here we go. The dreamer dreams in canyon steel and stone where monstrous shapes rush heedless through the hours and night finds no remittment of the day. Of press and crush and sound and ring of steel and though the shriek and roar hold highest pitch, the beat of human heart can still be heard by one who listens with his own and human thought can arrow through the din as if it were sped by keen and savage eye to take a quarry long and lightly stalked. You read it too fast. Study. All right, Mrs. Hall. This is where Romeo comes to the window. Oh, yeah. It is Julio with ready smile and lips all ready for a jest or kiss needing a woman who can tell the two apart. For when a man jests with his kiss, a kiss is just a jest and true love pauses foot in door until the joke does end for sentiment and wit are cousins much too near and cannot wed. And right here a truck breaks to a fast stop in the street below. There's a screech of brakes. That's, um, that's my part. I'll do the screech. Screech. Go on, Jim. Well, then... Oh, good. Here's the rest of the cast in just in time. Your screech was Julio's cue. I'll go. Must be halfway through his first speech. You could have heard that cue for miles. Dr. Hall. Why, Mr. Wellman, do come in. I will not come in. I will simply tell you that while you may feel at your duty to personally sponsor extracurricular activities, I do not. I do not approve of this theatrical project, not at all. And I believe the board will agree with me. Well, come in, Mr. Wellman. You said that. Well, I know, but we're still outside. Don't bother, Dr. Hall. I know my own way in. Mrs. Hall, I can only stay a minute. I wish to speak to Dr. Hall. Where is he? Where is he? How should I know where he is? Didn't he meet you at the door? The door? Oh, the door, yes. Of course he did. Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Hall. Of course. Ah, Mr. Wellman. This thought is Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. More people like the taste of Schlitz than any other beer. That's why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. This may not be as easy to take as a good glass of beer, but what a fact leads to that very pleasure and it's well worth adjusting. Now, this is what we mean. Schlitz beer tastes so good to so many people that it's the largest selling beer in America. That's right. In America, in fact, throughout the world, more people prefer Schlitz than any other brand of beer. Now, perhaps you're wondering whether Schlitz really tastes as good as all that. Of course, the answer is always the same. Try Schlitz for yourself and see. Find out why more and more people are changing to Schlitz every day. What the facts tell you about Schlitz beer, your taste will tell you too. It has to be fine to be first. Dr. and Mrs. Hall, three of the Athenaeum Club's most prominent players, and Mr. Wellman, all facing each other with a very definite tension in the air. The rehearsal of which Mr. Wellman interrupted has come to a complete stop. Would you like to step into my study, Mr. Wellman? I would like to stay right where I am, Dr. Hall. I do not approve of this rehearsal. It's a sacrilege. That's what it is, a parody of Shakespeare's sacrilege. Well, it's a rather strong term, I think. A dramatic indiscretion, perhaps. A theatrical error, maybe, and quite possibly a literary novelty of some quality. We can't tell until we've heard it. Won't you sit down while our players go on with the rehearsal? We can't go on, Dr. Hall. We're up to Julio's cue now. Julio? Dramatic impertinence. Romeo yet in Julio. Disgusting. What about Julio, Jim? He's not here. Oh. Uh, Mr. Wellman. What is it, Mrs. Hall? Would you mind holding this script for a minute? Why, no. If you thought that is... What script? Well, here you are. It's open to page nine. That's Julio's cue. What a shame he isn't here. Personally, I think we may count it among our blessings. You've heard him read the part, Mr. Wellman. Yes. He doesn't like his performance. No, it had none of the classic quality. Of course, with these words. Have you read the play? Certainly not. What an unpleasant idea. Read it. Futh. You've long been a Shakespearean enthusiast, Mr. Wellman. May I make a suggestion? If you care too. Since Julio did not come up to specification, would it be a good idea if someone else read the part? If there's any part to read and somebody to read it, someone let us say with a loud voice and no conscience whatsoever. Well, let's... Let's find out. How? You are Julio, Mr. Wellman. What? I am a truck. I will now give you your cue. Are you out of your mind, Dr. Hall? Are you trying to embarrass me? I, Clarence Wellman, collector of Shakespearean, I read this trashy burlesque. Why not? This matter may become of grave importance to the college. The entire town waits for the annual production of Athenaeum. This is the only true path to evaluation. As a member of the Board of Governors, can you close the door on a possible hit? Oh, come on, Mr. Wellman. I'd love to play Romeo to your Julio. It'll be fun. Well, after all, I'm a member... This is not exactly my... You would. Are you playing Julio... Romeo? Well, tonight I am. Let's try it. Cue, William. I'm a truck. It screeches to a stump. Screech! Good heavens! What's the matter? Well, nothing, nothing, Mr. Wellman. It's very realistic, darling. I could almost smell burnt brake lining. Thank you, darling. I'd rather doubt that there's a very gaudy future for a thespian who specializes in truck screeches. But go ahead. You're cute, Julio. Oh, Mr. Wellman. What is it, young man? Well, I guess I'll have to take over the director's job for now. This is where Julio has just climbed onto the top of his truck where he stands in overall speaking to his lady love, who's at her second floor window. You'll have to project a little. Project? He means your voice. Let it ring out. Oh. Ahem. Ah, Romeo, framed as you are. That window should be sent across the world to feed the hungry spirits of those who starve for beauty. Although it would lead for me an aching void through which my love and yearning fancies would whirl an echo through your empty house so either you come out or I go in and leave the art-star drill for malnutrition. My hunger for you is here. There's is there. And between the there and the here there's only the here I hear. So there. Why, Mr. Wellman? Remarkable. All you mean, it was good? I can truthfully say I never heard anything like it. Now are you sure, Mr. Wellman, that you haven't done a great deal of this? Good heavens, I haven't been on the stage in 40 years and then only, well, a couple of minstrel shows. But they did say I was a born end man. Yes, I've said that. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, did you really think I did it all right? It was remarkable. You see, Victoria, this interest in the Athenaeum Club is far more than academic. That may be, Dr. Hall, but I must ask you a question. This stuff I have just read. This is playwrighting. Mr. Wellman, who knows about a play? Do you think Shakespeare knew the first time he ever tried? Do you think Shaw knew? I take that back. He probably did. What were those lovely lines by Thomas Aldrich, darling? You were quoting the other day. Something about, uh, you do poets and their song. Oh, yes, you, you do poets and their song agree was wrong. If your own soul does not bring to their high imagining as much beauty as they sing. Oh, Dr. Hall. Yes, Hazel. Oh, that was just beautiful. Couldn't you be in our play? Well, I, if you, if you think... No, no, no, you don't. No, you found one actor straight from heaven already tonight. No more insight. Mrs. Hall, did you really like the way I read those lines? Mr. Wellman, I think you were laboring under a severe handicap. Of course. I'm familiarity with the pot. No, no, you sound as though you live for the pot all your life. I meant the acoustics. Now, for your kind of projection, you need a much larger hall. Larger hall? You'd like yourself so much better. I was quite satisfied. A larger hall, huh? I still don't feel that I've heard enough of this play to judge it. Couldn't we plan a more full rehearsal tomorrow? Why, sure, Doctor. I don't imagine Julio will be well enough to be there. Will he, Jimmy? Well enough, why, he feels fine. Throat, I mean, it's throat. It's quite bad, isn't it, Jimmy? Oh, oh, oh, it's throat. Terrible. Probably have to be operated. It's terribly ambivalent. Yeah, that's enough. That's enough. Well, I thought he'd be too ill to come. Well, I guess that leaves it up to you, Mr. Wellman. Now, where should we have the rehearsal? The Athenaeum Club, naturally. Where else? Splendid. I must be going. Mrs. Hall, do you mind if I take this copy of the script with me? Take it with you? Dear Mr. Wellman. I not only want you to take it with you. I want you to read it out loud. Over and over. Give it everything. Project. I want you to be Julio. So just rehearse and rehearse and rehearse. Oh, I shall. I shall. Oh, when one has a knack for something, one should be prepared to... Well, good night. Good night. Good night. So either you come out to like a win and leave the art all alone. Girls, you're back in the Athenaeum. The pressure's off. The business conference in the interest of art will find other quarters. The only difficulty might be getting your original Julio back in the show. Oh, I think that'll work out. How? Trust me, dear. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Machiavelli. That was a beautiful object lesson in teamwork. That Wellman, did you ever see such a ham in your life? Well, I'm worried. We got him in. How do we get him out? Well, let's just wait. My wife seems to have ample confidence in her own powers. You know, there must be something in the training one gets from the theatre. Certain ruthlessness, a spirit of survival. Devil will take the hindmost. And if for the hindmost, you mean Mr. Wellman, the endman? We're offering the devil an engraved invitation. Dr. Hall speaking. Oh, yes, yes. Good morning. Oh, I'm extremely sorry to hear that. How unfortunate. And everyone was hoping that... Yeah, yes, I see. Yes, I shall inform everyone concerned. And thank you so much for calling. Goodbye. Not Mr. Wellman. Mrs. Wellman. Mm-hmm. Poor man. You know, sometimes that condition hangs on for days and days. What condition? Well, the one Mrs. Wellman told you about. About Mr. Wellman. Now his voice is gone and he can't make the rehearsals. Now you better get the original actor for it. The Victorian. Yes, darling? Well, when you instructed Mr. Wellman to take the script home and read it over and over, loudly, all night, if necessary, you knew... Oh, no, I didn't know. But when someone with an untrained voice shouts all night, it puts quite a strain on the larynx. So I didn't really know. I just hoped. Darling, you frighten me. I just give you his vanity. A little adjustment. Well, there's a certain amount of ham in every one, dear. But that fulsome flattery... Didn't you ever hear of a sugar cured ham? There's beer on your mind. Your best thought is Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. More people like the taste of Schlitz than any other beer. That's why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. Ladies and gentlemen, Ronald Coleman has been named Radio Chairman for Public Schools Week to be observed from April 23rd to 28th. And here, speaking for the California Teachers Association, is Dr. Lionel De Silva, Dr. De Silva. Mr. Coleman, the California Teachers Association Southern Section takes pleasure in presenting you with this scroll in recognition of meritorious service to public education and thereby to American youth. Well, thank you very much, Dr. De Silva and the California Teachers Association. It's a great honor to receive this scroll. I'd like to quote the words of General Eisenhower. The American public school is the principal training ground for informed American citizenship. To neglect our school system could be more disastrous to all our freedoms than the most formidable arm to salt in our physical defenses. Words to remember during Public Schools Week when you are invited to visit the schools and to become better acquainted with the teachers. Your support and interest will mean the best schools for your children. Thank you. Good night. On April 4th, the Halls of Ivy program concerned the problems of college boys and the draft. This program has aroused such interest that we've made scripts available to anyone who writes for one address, the Halls of Ivy script NBC Hollywood. We'll be singing next week at the same time at the Halls of Ivy. Tonight's script was written by Faye Ray Risken and Don Quinn. Can Carpenter speak? It's The Great Gilder Sleeve on NBC.