 nobody likes the idea of being used. And yet today's dating is actually a form of use and abuse, quite frankly, because these days little or no commitment is needed to engage in a sexual relationship with someone. There's little or no commitment needed to engage in regular sex. Okay, so with that said, what do men say, or what do men say to use women? They do what I call relationship talk, relationship talk. And what that means is they talk about the idea of being in a relationship. They might even talk about the idea of being in a long-term relationship with someone. And yet their actions say otherwise. Now, one of the members in our group posted this meme a few moments ago, and I wanted to lean into this because I thought it was quite funny. And yet at the same time, it illustrates a point I want to make about how men use words to convince women to engage in a regular sexual relationship with them, and yet their actions say otherwise. Now, this meme is kind of funny. It says, having raw sex, sleeping with each other every single night, going out to eat together, doing shit together, me asking you to have my kids and me saying I love you don't mean we're together. Women are crazy. Well, I kind of find that interesting, but yet in some cases men might operate that way. They might do all these wonderful things and yet they're not capable of being a relationship. But the reality is women aren't even experiencing what's suggested in the meme. Many women these days are just experiencing a surface level relationship. In fact, they have a greater relationship with the person through their smartphones and not actually face-to-face. And the reality is this meme while it's a joke, but it illustrates something that's critically important for a relationship to actually develop between two people. It requires spending regular time together to actually see how you integrate with one another in each other's lives. It's really, and this is critically important. And yet these days we can have surface level relationships. In fact, I've often said dating these days is just a long strung out version of friends with benefits. And what I mean to say is you spend a little bit of time together, you have sex together, and then you go back to your respective lives. If you want a fully committed relationship, it's gonna require doing stuff together on a regular basis, integrating each other into your lives. And that means including family, including friends to actually get to know someone. But Jonathan, this man I'm with is so amazing. And it's okay that he only wants to see me at his beck and call. And it's okay because if I stick it out long enough, I might convince him to like me. The reality is these days actions, words are almost, for so many women, the words seem to take place over actions. Ladies, I'm here to say, how do men use women? They say they want a relationship. And after that, their actions don't demonstrate it. Their actions don't demonstrate it. So what are some actions that demonstrate this? Spending consistent time together. But Jonathan, I'm in a long distance relationship and we can't spend significant time together. Ladies, you need to understand this. Unless two, and the distance isn't the issue. The issue is consistent, regular time together in each other's lives. That's how you get to know someone is experiencing them in their day in, day out life. Not talking about your problems via text messaging. I know many of you have become pseudo therapists for the men you're in relationship with. It's a great opportunity for men and women to vent to one another, to replace either therapy or to replace a personal confidant in your life. And then all of a sudden you're attached to this person. Now what bothers me is something else I see frequently is how men in particular, I only see this because I talk to women all day long. I'm not suggesting that what I'm not, I'm not suggesting that this doesn't work in reverse. And yet many men use their work and their children as their excuse for not developing deeper intimacy, for not developing closeness in a relationship. They use it as an excuse. I'm too busy. I'm too busy with work. I've got a lot of things going on at work. Work is really hectic right now, okay? That's an excuse, and I'll explain why in a moment. That might be a valid truism for this person, but that's still an excuse. Or you know what, my children are my priority right now. My kids need me a lot. I have to be there for them as a parent, okay? Well, that's really good and admirable that people put their professional life and their children as a priority. But I'm here to say work is important. There's no doubt about it. Children are important. There is no doubt about that they're important. And yet your investment of your emotional life with this person, your physical life with this person should be equally as important. Let me say that equally as important, okay? If you're up to recognize when two people begin a physical relationship with each other and an emotional relationship with one another, you can get rather attached to this person. And as a way for some men to detach is to use their children and to use their professional life as a way to detach. Now I wanna be candid with you. And I'm not proud of what I'm about to say, but I did this myself. I used my son who passed away, there was a picture of Connor right there, passed away five years ago. I used him as an excuse not to get close to people. Now I did that because I didn't wanna hurt the person's feelings because I just wasn't that into them. But you can't tell someone you're just not that into them because why it hurts someone else's feelings? You've engaged in this initial phase of attraction for one another and limerence with another. Oh my God, you're the most amazing woman on the planet. Oh my God, I've never experienced anyone like you. Oh my God, I could see myself getting married to you only after quenching that thirst, that physical thirst only to go, you know what, I'm really busy with work or I'm busy with my children. In my case, I said I was still grieving the loss of my child. I'm not proud of those moments where I've said that. It was my go-to as a way for someone to have some sympathy for me and to cut me some grace because I didn't wanna tell the truth. I just wasn't that into them. Well, and I guarantee you, I'm not the only person that's ever done this. I'm sure this happens millions of times or tens of millions of times in any given year here in the United States with 300 plus million people with over 100 million single people. I'm sure millions of people have used some form of excuse, whether it's their professional life or their personal life with their children as a way to detach from someone. Okay, so how do we address this? Well, first off, folks, I'm here to say it's critically important to be considering can this person's life who you're interested in and can your life actually blend with one another? That's a critically important thing. So when you're doing this long distance type of thing or you're spending all day texting with one another and you're not actually physically being with one another, ask yourself, does this person's life fit into my life? Okay, number two, do you share the same values with each other? Ask those deeper questions. Ask questions like when was the last time you had sex with someone? Ask the person a question. This is for those newly dating people. When was the last time you went on a first date with someone? But Jonathan, that's too personal and intimate of a question. Look, if you're going to engage your heart, you have every right to ask deeper questions. In my private coaching program, and if you need help with that, schedule a free discovery call with me, see if working with a coach is right for you. One of the things we talk about is the rules of engagement, establishing what your standards are because you want to actually scare the wrong person away. You actually want to drive the wrong person away by being curious, by being inquisitive, by being radically honest, laying your cards on the table, and the rules of engagement is simply to say, this is the standard that I'm looking for in a relationship. What is your standard? Because the word, ladies, the word relationship has so many various meanings to one another. Some people think of relationship as I see you at my beck and call. Some people think of a relationship as a bubble relationship where we get together, have a good time, have sex, and go back to our respective life. That's a form of a relationship. Another relationship is we see each other once every couple of weeks. That's another form of relationship. The reality is, is if you genuinely want to either be living with someone or married at some point in your future, then you have to contemplate what are the mechanics to make our relationship work? So I told you again, those blendable lifestyles. I also mentioned shared values. But here's the deeper and more important question to be asking yourself. Is this person emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship and are they capable? This is why when two people are attracted to one another, this is the time to ask the really hard questions. Find out about their past, by the way, am I yelling? I'm just so excited. I feel like I know my voice volume is up. Okay, this is the time to ask those deeper questions to a person. This is the time to evaluate their past relationship. I want you to think about this. If you are an employer about to hire an employee, okay? You would want to know everything about their past work experience. You'd want to find the longevity of their past work experience. You might even want to call some references to some of those past employers to actually get a gauge of how they would navigate new employment. You would do that, okay? You would do that. So why is it we give people a pass in the dating life? Well, that's too personal, that's too intimate. Listen, the minute two people start kissing, that's personal, that's intimate. And let me just say this. The minute two people start having sex with one another, that's personal and that's intimate too. Ladies, you have every right to ask as many questions as you see fit to evaluate this person. Now, are they gonna be honest? Hard to say. Most men are good guys. They tend to be more honest or they tend to flub up, okay? What I mean by flub up, they actually are honest unbeknownst to themselves, but certainly there are manipulative men. But this is your time to ask as many questions if there is physical attraction, if you two people wanna kiss each other and two people wanna have sex with each other, you have every right to find out as much about this person as early as you can before you give your heart. Ladies, I'm gonna say something. You have a propensity to give your heart well before a man is given his heart because he said a lot of words, but his actions have not corresponded with those words. It's critically important to observe the actions over a period of time to evaluate if they match the words. Actions means face-to-face type of stuff. Action doesn't mean smartphone, actions, action doesn't mean text messaging, action doesn't even mean what he might tell someone else. Okay, that's not an action. The actions are in your real life. Is he scheduling regular time with you? Is he introducing you to family and friends? Is he integrating himself in your life or is he trying to, or is also in correspondence, does he try to integrate you and his life and you and he in your life, okay? Those are some really good things to be observing because the sad reality is, is men will say they want a relationship and not necessarily be capable of a relationship with you and then the sadness, that is a form of use and abuse when a person might think they're capable. It doesn't make them a bad person, okay? But you also at the same time, you have to be looking out for your best interest. Don't just assume he has your best interest at heart until he's proven himself and that's the gist of this video. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Actually, someone posted a comment here. I just want to read a couple of these. He talked of all things we would do, even ask me if I would move to Alaska with him when he could get a job there. Hadn't even met, okay? Yes. Now it's one thing to do some, there is one thing is asking questions of another person to see if you're capable of actually exploring a relationship. That's okay. But you know what? Be careful of someone getting ahead of themselves, okay? Be careful of that person that espouses such great affection for you until they've actually demonstrated over a period of time. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. Please post a comment below. Please share this video with friends. Please tell your friends about my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Go to my website, JonathanAsley.com, click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group. And I'm gonna sign off this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Johnthameric of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now.