 God created marriage to bless us and fulfill us and it will do that if we serve each other. If we don't serve each other, it won't do that. And so, here's two reasons for that. We can't meet our own needs. If I could meet my own needs, I wouldn't get married. But because there are needs in my life that I can't meet, that only Karen can meet, that I marry her. So you can't meet your own needs, that's why you get married. Secondly, we're sworn to fidelity. When we get married, I'm marrying you and we're marrying each other to meet each other's needs. But I'm sworn to fidelity. I can't shop in other stores. If your shelves are empty, I can't shop in another store, not legally anyway. And so, I am sworn to fidelity and I can't meet my own needs, so I met your mercy. We're at each other's mercy. And so, marriage only works when you serve each other. And this is called the servant rules. I want to talk to you about how to serve each other. Marriage only works when you serve each other and there are problems with us serving each other. Let me talk about some of these problems. The first is selfishness. And marriage is brutal on selfish people. If you're selfish, you're just going to have a horrible time being married. And I was selfish. I was extremely selfish as a young husband and we had a terrible marriage. So let me say something to you. I want you to listen to me. Every husband has what his wife needs and every wife has what her husband needs. And let me tell you the proof of that. You fell in love. You fell in love because you were meeting needs in each other. In other words, your store. Let's just say, before you got married, you cleaned the windows in your store and you put, you know, things in the store to attract somebody and you put a big open sign in the door and you put the shelves. All the shelves were just lined with great merchandise and you were waiting for a customer. And here came your prospective spouse and they walked in the door and they said, oh, man, you've got a nice store. And they said, thank you. You just had a wonderful attitude. You were a servant with a great attitude and they said, man, you got some great stuff in here. And he said, thank you so much. And well, do you have this? You said, you were doing. You ran over and got it and brought it back and served Him with a great attitude. And they said, well, I'll really like that. And they said, do you have this? So I do and you ran over and got it and brought it back and served Him on a great attitude. And they said, do you have this? You said, yes, but that's in the when you marry me section That's my dad guarding that section over there. But yes, I do have that, by the way. And you shopped in each other's stores and you fell in love because you served each other with a great attitude. You loved what they were serving you, and so you fell in love. But as soon as they became a loyal customer, you got lazy and took them for granted. And the thing that made you fall in love is now the reason that you're falling out of love. That's what happened to Karen and me. When Karen and I were dating, I was 19, I was 16 years old when we started dating. We were in biology class together, and Karen was just gorgeous, and I just always thought she was beautiful. I was in class with her all year, but I didn't ask her out until May because I had a policy that didn't date girls I was in class with. I don't know how that policy may be because all the girls that I broke up with had hated me and stuff. But Karen was dating some jerk senior. She still won't tell the truth about it. She says they weren't dating. So I would come into class and this her boyfriend was an athlete, a really good athlete. I ran track, he ran track, he was the best track guy in the country. And so he ran track, a handsome guy, and she wore his letter jacket. But they weren't dating. And I would walk into class and she'd be just kind of like this, kind of standing next to him. And I just gave him horrible looks all the time. But I sat behind her in biology class and I just thought she was beautiful and I really like her. So I fell in love with Karen. I fell in love with Karen. But I just knocked myself out. And I showed her my best side, always showed her my best side, until I had secured the relationship. And you fast forward in our relationship five years later. I was a lazy husband that resented having to serve my wife and that's why we had so much problem. Well, let me tell you about, this is not a biblically accurate story. Let me just say that right now, but it's a good one. And so to illustrate this point, I want to talk to you about a hell marriage and a heaven marriage. And I want to show you a picture of hell and a picture of heaven. So we can't meet our needs. And we're sworn to fidelity to each other. So in heaven, there is a huge banquet table. And God is there and the angels are there and couples are seated across from each other at the banquet table. But we have utensils strapped on our hands that are long. They're too long to get food and bring it back to our own mouths. We can't feed ourselves. But we're seated across from our spouse and the heavens banquet table is just incredible. It's just this incredible meal. And so in heaven the picture is spouses are seated across from each other and they're serving each other and they're saying, baby, what are you hungry for? You want some green beans? You want some potatoes? You want chicken? What is it you want? I think they're better than chicken. Anyway, but they're just sitting there serving each other. So you can't serve yourself and you've got what your spouse needs. Your store is full of what your spouse needs. You fell in love. But here's a hell marriage. In hell the same banquet table is in hell. Now God is not there. The angels aren't there. But this banquet table is loaded with the most delicious, incredible food and couples are seated across from each other and they have utensils strapped to their hands and the utensils are too long for them to scoop food and bring it back to their own mouths and they sit there and starve because they're too selfish to serve each other. And that's why they're in hell. So you can choose to have a heaven marriage or a hell marriage. It's your choice. If you will serve your spouse, you will have a heaven marriage because everything that your spouse needs is in your store. But they're at your mercy. They're at the mercy of your attitude. They're at the mercy of your work ethic. They're at the mercy of you loving them enough to serve them and meet their need. Selflessness is the number one problem. Number two problem is pride and domination. We dominate each other. This is a huge issue in marriage and you never have intimacy in a relationship when a person is dominating the relationship. And I was dominant of Karen when we first married. Luke 22. This is at the last supper by the way. And the disciples are talking about which one of them is the greatest. Luke 22. Now there was a dispute among them as to which of them should be considered the greatest. And he said to them, the kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them and those who exercise authority over them are called benefactors but not so among you. On the contrary, he who is greatest among you let him be as the younger and he who governs is he who serves. For who is greater, he who sits at the table or he who serves is it not he who sits at the table yet I'm among you as the one who serves. And so the disciples were talking about which one of them was the greatest because they were going to be the most dominant. Listen, in the world, ascension creates privilege. In the kingdom, ascension creates responsibility. The kingdom of God is the opposite of the world. And so in the world everyone wants to dominate each other and get to the top of the heap but Jesus said, I'm the one who serves you. You guys are sitting here talking about which one of you is the greatest. I'm the one who serves. If you're a person who uses your position to dominate other people, you're not Christ-like. And if you dominate your spouse, you're not Christ-like. And by the way, dominance is a gender-neutral issue. There are just as many dominant women as there are dominant men. Because let me ask you a question. I want to say if you're with your parents don't answer this question. Now listen, I've asked this question all over the world to hundreds of thousands of people live and always get the same response. So I'm going to ask you to raise your hand twice and if you raise your hand I want you to keep it up here for just a minute. So I'm going to ask you two questions and the first is this. How many of you were raised in a home where one of your parents was clearly dominant over the other parent? If you did, raise your hand. Raise your hand, keep it up, keep it up, look around, look around, keep it up, look around. And so I'm going to 60% of hands, 50%, 60% of the hands are up. Okay, put it down if you would. Okay, second question. For those of you who just raised your hands, how many of you would say that that dominance with one of your parents had a negative influence on your parents' marriage and upon the family? Raise your hand again. Look at the hands, go right back up. Same exact response all over the world. And no one has to wonder about it. When I ask that question I never see anybody going hmm. Yeah. And what that means is one of your parents was not serving the other. They were training the other to serve them. That's what dominance means. Dominance means this is not an equal relationship. You're here to take care of me, but I'm not necessarily here to take care of you. And so this is our marriage. When Karen and I first got married I was very dominant. And I had to repent of that. Repentance only changes, or dominance only changes when you repent. It's a sin to dominate other people. We are the only animal on the earth not designed to be dominated. And Jesus won't dominate us. Did you know that Jesus is a shepherd? Not a sheepherder? Jesus gets at the front with his staff and leads. A sheepherder gets behind and drives you. Jesus does not dominate. Jesus leads and we follow. We need to be thankful that we serve a foot washing Jesus as our Lord. He's humble. He doesn't dominate. And so let me say this now. Dominance destroys intimacy and goodwill in a relationship and everyone resents it. Everyone resents it. And so we have to serve our spouse and humble our spouse. This is the third problem with serving. And it's a worldly concept of success. A lot of people believe that success means being served and being at the top. So here's a statement from Jesus, Matthew 23. But he who is greatest among you shall be your servant and whoever exalts himself will be humbled and he who humbles himself will be exalted. Jesus says, whoever is greatest among you shall be your servant. Did you know that that's actually a true statement? Your favorite restaurant, your bank, school, store, service, beauty shop, the best employees are all servants. You shop where you get served the best. Wherever you go, it's where you get served the best. The greatest marriage is two servants in love. The worst marriage is two selfish people in love. The greatest marriage on earth. Let me say something else. I hope you'll listen. I hope you'll believe me. You will always be happiest when you're serving. And you will always be most unhappy when you're waiting to be served. In most cases, the servant is happier than the person being served. In most cases. We're designed to serve. I'll tell you why in just a minute. So this is the fourth problem of serving and that is ignorance of God's nature. And so this is John 21. This is after the resurrection. This is the resurrected Jesus, John 21. Then as soon as they had come to the land, they saw a fire of coals there and fish laid on it in bread. Jesus said to them, bring some of the fish which you have just caught. Simon Peter went up and dragged the net to land full of large fish, 153. And although there were so many, the net was not broken. Jesus said to them, come and eat breakfast. Yet none of the disciples there had asked him who argued knowing it was the Lord. Jesus then came and took the bread and gave it to them and likewise the fish. You all know in John 13 that at the last supper Jesus washed the disciples' feet. But did you know the glorified Christ served them breakfast? Did you know that the eternal nature of God is a servant? Jesus wasn't playing a game when he washed their feet. Jesus was revealing the nature of God. Listen to the promise in Luke 12. Let your waste be girded and your lamps burning and you yourselves be like men who wait for their master. When he will return from the wedding. That when he comes and knocks they may open them immediately. Blessed are those servants whom the master when he comes will find watching assuredly I say to you that he will gird himself and have them sit down to eat and will come and serve them. And if he should come in the second watch or in the third watch and find them so blessed are those servants. Did you know that Jesus promises you if you're watching when he returns he's taking you to heaven and serving you dinner? That's the promise here. He's the master. He's going to return for the wedding and he's saying if I return and I find you watching I'm going to gird myself and take you there and I'm going to serve you myself. Did you know that you are being served 24 hours a day seven days a week by God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit? You are who you are because of your servant God. God is our Father. He hears our prayers. He takes care of us. He meets our needs. He's telling us in Matthew 6, Jesus is our advocate and high priest in heaven 24 hours a day and the Holy Spirit is our teacher, our comforter, he gives us power. God is a servant. Listen, if anyone in the universe could be exempted from serving it would be God, but he doesn't. He's the best example of it. And so God made marriage to demonstrate his character. That's why he made marriage. That's what Genesis 1 says, that's what Ephesians 5 says. And the only marriage that demonstrates the character of Christ is a servant marriage. Where a husband serves his wife, a wife serves her husband, and so on and so forth. So let me give you the servant rules. This message is called the servant rules. There are five servant rules. I'm going to spell the word serve, S-E-R-V-E. And so we're going to talk about what does it take to have a great marriage where you're serving each other? Here's the first one. Serve what your spouse needs in spite of what you need, want, or understand. So if you marry someone normal, they're not like you. That always sounds interesting when you say it. Your spouse isn't like you. Their major needs are not your major needs. Okay, now this is general. You may have a few differences with what I'm about to say. But men's number one need is honor. This is our mega-need. Respect is our mega-need. Respect is our mega-need. Respect is our mega-need. Respect is our mega-need. Respect is our mega-need. We want to be respected. Number two is sex. Now about 20% of women are more sexual than their husbands. Okay, so most men have a greater sex drive than their wife. It doesn't matter who has the greater libido. You just meet each other's needs. You serve each other. The third need of a man is friendship with his wife. We want to be buddies with her wife. We don't want to be mothered. We had a mother. We don't want another one. We nervous crowd. Anyway, and domestic support. Now that doesn't mean that our wives do all of the housework. Because men ought to do their fair share of the housework. It means that wives are domestically centered. Women have a gift of turning a house into a home. And, you know, men, our beds, it's just a sheet. You know, one pillow. Can any woman even gain that concept of one pillow on a bed? You know. But women are nesters. It's just beautiful what women do with a home. Honor, sex, friendship, and domestic support. Here are women's needs for major needs. Number one is security. Women want to feel secure. The number one thing that makes a woman feel secure is a selfless, sacrificial husband who serves her and his heart is turned toward her. That's what makes her feel secure. Number one need. Number two is non-sexual affection. Now there's not a cell in a man's brain that can understand that one. And say, can you just hold me? And I say, well, why would I want to do that? Open and honest communication. Women, open and honest communication is as important to a woman as sex is to a man. And the more you talk to your wife, the more sexual she'll become. And I wouldn't talk to Karen for years. Oh, you know, she was just asking, you know, who'd you see? Well, what'd they say? Everybody they say said, you know, and how do you feel about it? And I thought, you know, she's nosy and I'm not going to feed the monster. If you want to kill a monster, stop feeding it. I'm not feeding that thing. But one day, one day, you know, when I was changing as a husband, I said to Karen, I'll sit down with you and I'll talk as long as you want to talk. And I thought, A, I'm the greatest husband in the history of the world. And B, they're going to find me dead tomorrow with my brain sucked out. Sister will suck my brain out of my head. And by the way, I loved it and it transformed our relationship and she became more sexual. And if I'd known that, I'd talk a lot more. I'd have fed that monster. Number four is leadership. Women want their husbands to lead, not dominate. They want to be treated as an equal, but they want you to lead with the kids. They want you to lead with the spirituality of the relationship and the home. They want you to lead with the finances, with romance. They want their husbands to be the loving initiator of the well-being of the home. It makes them feel secure and it makes them feel as though you're connected to them and to the family. So we're different. So we're different. So when your spouse comes up and tells you what they need, our tendency is to shame, to reject, to translate it into our language, you know? Oh, you say you want to be held. Well, you must not say that. No, that's not what she said. And so she said she wanted to be held. That means she wants to be held. Okay, so imagine you're going to a restaurant and a waiter comes up and he says, hey, folks, good to see you. Can I take your order? And you say, yeah, I'll take a cheeseburger and fries and some iced tea. And the waiter goes, that doesn't sound good to me. Why don't you try again? What? I'm sorry. The way I am, I just can't serve it if it doesn't sound good. Sorry. So try again. You go, well, I'll take pizza. Well, that's kind of heavy and you look like maybe you had a little bit too much pizza here lately. We're going to do a salad, okay? What? Welcome to marriage. I'm giving you my order and you keep changing it. I'm telling you what I want but you're not listening because you think I'm like you. You think you're normal and you're trying to conform me into your image. No, I'm a normal man and you're a normal woman and we're very different. And I need in your store something different than you need in my store. And the only way that marriage works is when you serve your spouse not according to what you need or want but according to what they need or want. It doesn't matter if you want to talk, just talk. If your spouse needs to talk, you just talk. It doesn't matter what you want. This is a sacrificial relationship where you serve each other. And by the way, when you first met you did 13,000 things, you hated. And you just had the best attitude in the world. Oh, I don't mind at all, liar. You did too. Number two, so serve what your spouse needs, okay? Number two, enjoy serving your spouse and do it with a good attitude, with a joyful attitude. When you serve your spouse with a joyful attitude that communicates love, value, acceptance, and priority. Okay? I want to serve you. Let me say something, listen. I live to serve Karen Evans. The number one reason I'm alive is to serve Jesus. The number two reason I'm alive is to serve Karen Evans. It's the joy of my life. She's not a ball and chain. She's not a burden. She's not a distraction. I don't live for ministry. This is not the number one reason that I live. I live for Jesus, Karen, and my family in that order. And then ministry. And everything else I do is secondary to serving Karen Evans with a joyful attitude. She's not a burden to me. When you grudgingly serve your spouse, it communicates rejection, low value, and they're not a priority. And you do this through shaming, eye rolling, bad body language, half-hearted effort, negative comments, comparisons, spiritualizing, all those things like that. And so we should never sin to meet a need in our spouse. But short of sin, we should meet their needs with a good attitude. And so one of my little pet peeves is when I go into a store or something, like in a restaurant, and someone brings you more tea or something, you go, hey, thank you very much. They say, no problem. I'm like, I'm a paying customer. I don't really care if it's a problem or not. I don't live not to be a problem to you. I'm sorry, I just, you know, here's the response I like. My pleasure. I love, because it's like, really? You really take pleasure in serving me? Yeah, I love that. And the best stores, the best hotels, the best restaurants train their employees to say, my pleasure, I was in the store one day, and someone served me or something. I said, well, thank you so much. And they said, oh, it's my joy. I thought, I like you. I just like you. I like you a lot. So when you're serving your spouse and you just have a bad attitude, it's just terrible. Okay, here's the third one. Reject scorekeeping and do what you do with the spirit of grace and faith. There's no scorekeeping. You don't have to deserve it. Scorekeeping means you haven't done anything for me lately. Why did I do anything for you? This is 1 Peter 2. To this you were called because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example that you should follow in His steps. So when Jesus, when we were in our sins, Jesus was dying for us, right? It's called redemptive love. Jesus suffered for you, leaving you an example to follow in His steps. The first example He uses is marriage. The context here is how to treat your spouse when they're doing the wrong thing. This is 1 Peter 3, 4. The same goes for your wives. Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. They're husbands who as different as they are to any words about God will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. Your outer appearance, the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes, but your interdisposition, cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. And what it's basically saying here is when your husband's not acting right, respect your husband, and treat him better than he deserves. Honor is so powerful to a man that will change our behavior to the person giving it to us. If you want to change your husband, this is 1 Peter 3, 7. Talking about redemptive love. The same goes for your husbands. Be good husbands to your wives, honor them, delight in them as they lack some of your advantages, but in the new life of God's grace you're equals. Treat your wives then as equals so that your prayers don't run aground. You cannot disassociate the way you treat your wife with your relationship with God. If you're mistreating your wife, God won't hear your prayers. And it says several important things here. You live with your wives with understanding. What does that mean? She's different. Your wife isn't like you. You need to understand that she's different than you. It also says as with a weaker vessel. What does that mean? Like fine china. Women are not weaker than men. They're a little physically weaker. God made women a little physically weaker so they wouldn't take over the universe. Because the sisters would. You know they would. All the ladies know you would. But you treat her like fine china. And as a fellow heir of the grace of life, you're equal. And if you don't do that, God won't hear your prayers. Because you cannot disassociate the way you treat her. In the context here is when she's on your nerves. When your husband's on your nerves and he's not doing right. See in our natural, our natural response is tip for tat. You scratch my back. I'll scratch yours. You put a knife in my back. I'll put three in yours. Alright. The only way you can defeat a spirit is with the opposite spirit. That's why Jesus said love your enemies. If you fire with fire, you just get a bigger fire. And redemptive love puts out the fire. You're not doing what I want you to do but in response I'm going to do what Jesus did when I wasn't doing what he wanted me to do. I'm going to love you preemptively and redemptively and this is how the opposite spirit is going to change our relationship. This is the V. S-E-R-V. Visionally protect the priority of your marriage and the time and energy to serve your spouse. You have to protect. It takes energy to serve and you can't come in to your marriage and just drop down tired every night. You can be tired a night or two a week but you can't do it all the time. You've got to have the energy to serve each other. The reality of priority is who you serve the first and best. Telling me I'm first, what that means is you serve me. You give me the energy and the attention that I deserve. One of the things that endanger marriage the most are not bad things, they're good things out of priority. I talked a little bit about children last week and I said to you if you don't train your children to respect your marriage you won't have a marriage because children recognize no boundaries and they don't care if they wear you out and they don't care if you have a marriage. They just want to be served all the time and you put them to bed and you tell them to go to sleep and five minutes later, I'm thirsty. I'm thirsty. Mommy and daddy, I'm thirsty. Well, you just had a drink, just see if you survived all the morning. I've got to go to the bathroom. You've got to diaper on, use it. There's a monster in my room. Good, you have somebody to talk to. Leave us alone. And so you have to train your children to respect your marriage. So I told you last week that Karen and I, when our kids were growing up we put them to bed and we told them to stay there. Unless there's an emergency, a real emergency, you stay in bed. You respect mom and dad's relationship. We have a marriage here. And so we had a little sitting area in our bedroom and we had a lock on the door and we had a little sitting area in our bedroom. We'd pop popcorn, you know, and sit there and talk. This is one of the disciplines that we had and they put the kids to bed and we sit there face to face and we talk whatever. One night we were in our bedroom in a very, very private moment, you know. And there was a knock on the door. Our daughter was around 12, I guess, that age and so we didn't answer the door. And so she picked the lock and walked in. Well, she never did it again. We scared her straight. She became a nun. She loves her convent. And so she got married and she has twin girls. They're our granddaughter, 17-years-old twins. And so they were about 12 or 13-years-old and one of her girls did it to her and her husband. And she called. Julie called the next day and said to Karen, she said, Mom, can you believe that hell picked the lock on our door and walked in on us? You're just too good to us, Jesus. Watching your grandchildren do to your children what your children did to you is beautiful. It's beautiful. And all the grandparents said, So I'm saying, there was some passion in that. You have to develop disciplines and traditions in your marriage that keep your marriage first. You have to face every day taking walks together, having date nights every week, taking short trips together as often as you can. Those things keep your marriage first but you have to vigilantly protect the time and energy to serve each other else. Everything in your life will just keep sapping your energy and you're just going to keep saying, well, when we get through this season, when we get through this season, if you can't do it today, it's no good. You do it today. Do it now. And this is the E. Expect to be blessed and don't get discouraged. Jesus said, but whoever is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whoever exalts himself will be humbled and he who humbles himself will be exalted. Whoever exalts himself will be humbled. Whoever humbles himself. When Jesus got down on his knees and washed the disciples' feet, he noticed that God, because he came and took the form of a servant, God highly exalted him and gave him a name that is above every name. If you will humble yourself and serve your spouse, God will exalt you. You'll have a great marriage because every great marriage is a servant marriage.