 Every time I see a trailer for a new Transformers film, I tell myself it's going to be good. After all, I like the first one quite a bit. Unfortunately, the sequels are shit. Today is going to be an all-around bitch-fest, complaining about the worst of the bunch, and joining me is a guest-feuder, a self-proclaimed viper of YouTube, Jonathan Paula. I have never once referred to myself as the Viper, but I'm willing to move past that. Michael Bay moved right past competent storytelling in the Transformers sequels, specifically Transformers Revenge of the Fallen, and I'm going to describe now why it is the worst in the franchise. And I'm going with Transformers Age of Extinction, so bumblebee ready and strap in for a baitastic beatdown. Wow, Adam, that was a lot of bees. No shit. The human cast has all been changed in TF4, and I miss Shia quite a bit. Where's the LeBeef? Nowhere to be found. Not even a mention. Not even a crumb. That's how you know the writer and director don't give two shakes of a viper's tail about the script. Again, with the Viper. This is the fourth Transformers film, and Bay for some reason thinks nobody cares what happened to any of the humans in the last three flicks. Granted, most of us don't. But the Autobots should. I mean, Bumblebee was basically Shia's Sam Witwicky's household pet by the third one. So taking over the action reigns is Mark say hi to your mother for me, Wahlberg. He plays Cade Yeager, just your run-of-the-mill genius, mechanic bodybuilder with good throwing arm straight out of Texas with a jersey accent. Cade's daughter Tessa will be filling in the role of the Bay hot chick. She'll also be filling in some nice Daisy Dukes for the majority of the runtime. She also gives a wonderful whiny personality and a pension for getting kidnapped. Her boyfriend's even more annoying. He comes straight out of a Fast and Furious movie, and he's rocking an Irish accent. The accent's really important, because otherwise we won't get to hear Wahlberg call him Lucky Charms constantly. What? Are you about finished yet? Actually forgot you were a part of this. Sorry. Not sorry. The bad guys are even worse. There's like six of them. I'm not going to knock Kelsey Grammer or Stanley Tucci though. They worked with what they had. Which was nothing. At least TF4 had commendable award-winning actors. The original sequel is nothing but amplified versions of all the shit we hated in the first film. LaBeef is somehow more annoying than ever, constantly tripping over himself, repeating every line of dialogue, and just screaming in different pitches, often for his four-wheeled product placement to come and rescue his sorry ass. And while Megan Fox is a fine-looking woman, the degree to which Michael Bay uses her as gratuitous eye candy is downright shameless, and she's reduced to nothing but straddling motorcycles and getting dry-humped by some horny little robot. The rest of the players are pigeon-holed into the story for no discernible reason. Look, I love Kevin Dunn. He's a great character actor and comic relief, but was his inclusion as the bumbling, overbearing father figure really needed here, let alone the mom character? Meanwhile, Jon Tuturo returns as a disgraced ex-agent, and has nothing but a full-on character of his former self, who apparently wears a thong now. Really Bay? Was that necessary? And our soldier friends, Josh Duhamel and Tyree Skipson, might as well be gun turrets, because that's how little emotion or presence they exhibit. But TF2 actually had transformers in it that we cared about? Like number four, that has Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, and the head of Megatron. That's the returning cast. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of new transformers in number four. They pop up left and right like f***ing weird Waldo. Jon Goodman's character was the only one I liked, and that's because Jon Goodman voiced him. I don't even know what the transformer's name is, he had the cigar and the beard. There was also a Japanese one, and a third with like a long trench coat. Don't know the names of any of them, don't care. I refuse to research and look up the names, because if I did, I would have put more time than Michael Bay and the screenwriter did into their film. Yeah, Revenge of the Fallen has some of the classics, like Star Scream and Megatron, but at least we forget about those racist robots Skid and Mudflap. Or how about The Devastator, complete with his wrecking balls? That's how we're introduced to one of the coolest Decepticons in the franchise, by a porn shot looking at his metallic testicles. It wasn't enough for Bay to secure one of the oldest monuments in the world to film on. It was a shoot that reportedly made tutorial cry, but he had to go stick a scrotum joke in there too. Oy vey. I'd say this is going to be the rough patch, but we have story coming up in round two. Bay just had to have Shy Guy LeBuff back for a second outing, so a convoluted plot is put into play that involves ancient glyphs getting imprinted into his mind, meanwhile a transformer that goes by the name of the Fallen wants the information to build a mega weapon that will destroy the sun or some such bullshit. You know what, I'm not going to talk about this plot because it makes zero sense and has more holes than a teenage boy's sock. Is that a masturbation joke? You've never seen the microwave show, have you, Adam? I hope that wasn't out of line. This show has zero credibility and even less integrity, so no, you're well within reach, much like a bottle of Juergens in a high school student's bedroom. Rather than attempting to dissect the plot, I'll just list a few of the stupid events that transpire in this poorly paced CGI mess. At one point, a Decepticon disguises himself as a hot college girl in order to do Shy LeBuff. Then the alien lures him back to his dorm room, begins undressing, and all but rapes the dumb kid. Why? Why is this happening? Bumblebee even knows it's the Decepticon and does nothing about it but makes stupid stereo noises. Why does the Decepticon need to get Shia into the sack? Why not just kill him at any given moment? I think it's pretty obvious, John. It's pretty cut and dry. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can resist the charms of Shia. Not man, not woman, not even machine. If Decepticons can transform it to humans, why is this not a regular occurrence? It's just a one-time situation that is never explained or mentioned again. It's a giant f***ing plot hole that someone needs to be held accountable for, god damn it. There's a scene in Transformers 4 where Mark Wahlberg takes a football and defeats a bad guy by throwing it at him, knocking him out the window, and one of the worst green screen effects I've seen in the last 20 years. This happened in a film that went to theaters. In Transformers 2, Shia LaBeefcake dies and goes to robot heaven. Robot heaven. It's hunting season on Transformers. They're all fair game. Bad, good, doesn't matter. They're all dead in the human's eyes. Ironically enough, they've found a mineral which gives them the ability to create their own Transformers. Why? Why would you do that? The best part? The mineral is called Transformium. Transformium. They're not even trying. And they don't have to. They don't have to. Why is Optimus even the leader? He has virtually no qualities of a leader. He gets his ass kicked every time he battles. He dies like twice in this movie. Optimus Prime? More like Optimus dies. Am I right? Am I right? He's worse than four. Now he's just a little bitch hiding in a barn like a scared little titmouse. He needs Walbert's character Yeager to fix him. But not really. All he has to do is scan anything. Anything at all. Conveniently, he goes by a semi-truck, scans it, and he's 100% healed, looking like an entirely different vehicle. What? Hey! Now, reportedly, Bay began shooting TF2 long before the script was even finished. Next to the writer's strike of 2008, he shamelessly even reused his shots from his earlier films like Armageddon and Bad Boys 2. Did you know Transformers 4 was in theaters on the 4th of July weekend? Not sure how you couldn't. There's more American flags in this film than the first three Spider-Man movies combined. This is the worst movie I've seen in the last ten years, and I've seen three Transformers films prior. This is an easy win for Age of Extinction, as giant dino-bots, tons of large-scale city battles, a huge ship that sucks up metal and cool-looking Call of Duty-esque bounty hunters. But I did watch this film while being violently shaken back and forth in a D-Box chair, so perhaps I'm a bit biased. It's three hours long. All it is is explosions and some special effects bombing it out of the screen, halfway through the script stops. The explosions are even sick of themselves. Mark Wahlberg's there jumping around like an idiot with a robot-sized gun with a human trigger. I don't even remember the action in Revenge of the Fall, and I just rewatched the dumb thing two days ago. Utilizing a near-identical location of that which opened the first film, there's another scene set amongst the rubble and ancient ruins of a small desert city, as well as a half-baked sequence at some unnamed Ivy League college. Optimus naturally gets his ass kicked very quickly in the forest scene that was sloppily pieced together with full-frame IMAX stuff, frequently intercut with the regular anamorphic shots, resulting in a particularly disorienting experience. I guess Bay just couldn't make up his mind about which thing to shoot on. At least there's variety there. Transformers forest city after city, giant buildings falling all over the place. You don't see this much slow-mo at the Special Olympics. This is a tough one. Obviously the sound effects are very cool. The Transformers make some sweet sounds every time they, well, transform. Plus you've got the loud explosions, guns, and military squawk, all in beautiful slow-motion with crisp and clean surround sound audio. If you want to feel like your ears are being raped, this is one to watch on Blu-ray. You're beating around the bush here, Johnny Boy. Afraid to admit you won this round. Lincoln Park's a superior group to Imagine Dragons, and that's just how it is. Imagine Dragons are the new hotness, as I'm told the kids say. So old Matt Adam, you can go back inside your house and let the new generation of kids have their fun. I'm not going to sugarcoat this. These movies are bad. Plain and simple. Now some of you may like them, may defend them. That's fine. That might be your cup of cock. But at least understand that they're terrible. More like terribly entertaining. As awful as they are, I still enjoy them as a guilty pleasure. But marathoning through all four of them this week felt like someone dropped me in a food processor and repeatedly tried to sell me a Chevy Camaro. And then you go and have me talk about them some more? I thought I was done reviewing films for the summer. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. There's no real winner here, as far as I'm concerned. But let's hear what you have to say. Which film is in fact the worst? Or did you love them both? Defend. Tell us why. And John, I want to thank you for coming on, even though it was not the most pleasant of episodes to talk about. Of course, Adam. It was, well, interesting. Anyway, for those who were seeing my ugly face for the first time, you can check out more of my reviews over on my main channel, YouTube.com slash Jogwheel, where I host Movie Night, a weekly show where I critique three to five films each episode, complete with parody sketches, fancy graphics, and audience reviews. But I also produce a bunch of other web shows too, like Gaming Let's Plays, Travel Vlogs, Comedy Sketches, Microwave Experimentation, editing tutorials, and Adam, Adam, did you fall asleep? Oh, God, what? More than just reviews. This is Movie Feuds. Is that where we're at? Hey, hey, do you work here? Call up Michael Bay. I have a great idea for a fifth film. Right, so now, Mark Wahlberg is himself a transformer, OK? So then he has to go back in time and stop Sam Woodwicky from discovering the Allspark in the first film. Anyway, actually, it's on a napkin over there. You can't miss it. I got it all written down.