 From Hollywood, California, the Lux Radio Theater presents Jack Benny and Mary Livingston in Seven Keys to Ball Fate. This presents Hollywood. Tonight, the dark-less Jack Benny and the laconic Mary Livingston lead us into paths of peril and adventure. Lives, chills, crooks, treasure, a damsel in distress, some mad hermit. This is only part of what Jack Benny encounters tonight in that grand comedy mystery by George M. Cohen, Seven Keys to Ball Fate. Adapted from the novel by Earl Derbickers, you'll hear also as special guest the world-renowned violinist Ephraim Zimbalist. Conducting our orchestra is Louis Silver. Tonight's play is brought to you by the makers of Lux Flakes. Before I introduce our producer, let me remind you that it's thrifty to buy several big boxes of Lux Flakes at a time, so you'll always have it handy in bathroom and kitchen. Every box of Lux Flakes means longer life for your washable nice things. Kind care for your hands. You're thrifty every time you use these gentler, finer flakes. And now our producer, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille. Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. Before we raise our curtain, we wish to advise our listeners that if any important news bulletins on the European situation are received at the Columbia Broadcasting System headquarters, they'll be given you at the intermission during our program. Now to our play and personalities. When George M. Cohen adapted seven keys to ball plate for the stage, he had no intention of starring in it. But just before the opening, he and the leading man met with an accident. The leading man was too seriously injured to go on, so Mr. Cohen, broken collarbone and all, stepped into the breach. When I related these facts to Mary Livingston, she threw back her head bravely and declared that if Mr. Cohen could carry on with such a handicap, she could carry on with Jack Benning. Mr. Livingston, Mr. Benning, is not however without some talent. He often entertains the guests at his home with his debonair violin playing and witty sayings. He's quite a familiar figure on the streets of Beverly Hills, whizzing past the admiring spectators in his flashy Maxwell town car. And I almost forgot, Mary always brings Jack to her radio program. And when she goes back on the air next Sunday, she'll once again try and have a place for him. For tonight, we've made a special treatment of seven keys to ball plate, which finds Mr. Benning tackling one of the most difficult roles in his career, the role of Jack Benning. And Miss Livingston comes to you in her own interpretation of Mary Livingston. There's another character in our adaptation called Cecil B. DeMille. 1,400 actors in Hollywood have refused my generous bribes to play the part. So there's nothing left for me to do but to play myself. This being the case, my customary duties for the evening will be assumed in part by the highly capable Melville Ruick. And now we light the stage. It's cutting time and star time as the Lux Radio Theatre presents Jack Benning and Mary Livingston in seven keys to ball plate with Cecil B. DeMille. Mr. Ruick, will you set our scene? On the Lotted Paramount Studios in Hollywood, a building stands apart from the rest. On its door, the legend, Cecil B. DeMille Productions, Incorporated. The door has just opened and CB himself strides quickly across the reception room toward his private office. A small army of assistants and secretaries hinder his progress with innumerable requests. Good morning, Mr. DeMille. Good morning. Good morning, sir. Good morning, darling. See me later, will you, Joe? Hello, CB. Here's that script you are. Thanks. I'll read it tonight. Mr. DeMille, would you see Mr. Neal? I can't see anyone this morning. Ask him to come back. Not now, Harry. Sorry. Bill, come into my office, will you? Okay, CB. Good morning, Mr. DeMille. All right. All right. I'll take care of everything. See you later. Sit down, Bill. Morning, Miss Cole. Good morning, Mr. DeMille. Anything happen? Nothing much. Mr. Henry called about that script. Frank Donnelly has a new star for you and, oh yes, Mr. Benny called again. Who? Mr. Benny, Jack Benny. What did he want? The usual thing. What did you tell him? The usual thing. I said you were out to lunch. I'm beginning to feel a little guilty about Jack. What's it all about, CB? Well, I was a little tired one night and I have promised I'd make a picture with him. No. Yes. And he calls me up every once in a while to remind me of it. He isn't serious, is he? That's just the trouble. He gave me a long talk about how his soul is starved in comedy. He wants to branch out into drama, heavy acting parts. He must be crazy. What did you tell him? Well, I couldn't tell him the truth. They would have broken his heart, not to mention Paramount. So I just keep telling him I'm still looking for the right story, but it's becoming very embarrassing. He seemed pretty discouraged this morning, Mr. DeMille. I really think you ought to call him. He said you could reach him at Mary Livingston's house. Well, I'm not looking for trouble, but... if he calls again, I suppose I'll have to speak to him. Why don't you give that cigar box a rest? You've been scratching on it for the last two hours. In the first place, it's not a cigar box. In the second place, I wasn't scratching. That was music, whether you like it or not. Thanks for the choice. Oh, well. That's the way you feel. I'll put it away. Oh, Jack, I didn't mean it like that. Gee, you certainly are getting cranky lately. Come over here to say hello, and every time I open my mouth, it gets sore. What's the matter with you, anyway? Oh, I don't know. I guess I'm in one of those moods again. I'm sorry, Mary. Gosh, why doesn't DeMille call? Oh, so that's it. I knew there was a reason for that long jaw you're wearing. I'm not wearing a long jaw. You are, too. Well, I saw it in Esquire. Gee, I've called DeMille about 20 times. I'll bet that secretary never gave him the message. Jack, I hate to be a wet rag, but I never think that maybe Mr. DeMille doesn't want to speak to you. Oh, don't be silly. What makes you say that? Well, he certainly goes out to lunch at funny hours. Well, that doesn't prove anything. He told me himself he wanted to make a picture with me, and he wasn't lying. Yeah. I'll bet he looked your right square in the chest when he said it. Oh, no, he didn't. Listen, Mary, Mr. DeMille knows how I feel about comedies. We're going to make a serious picture, something that'll give me a real chance. Gee, the only thing that's holding it up is the story, and we'll have one of us sit down and write it myself. I'll write something I can sink my teeth into. With my ideas, all I need is paper and pencil. And teeth. Gee, you don't give me credit for anything, do you? Oh, Jack, why don't you come down to Earth? You're a comedian. You made your name in comedy, and you ought to stick to it. This other stuff isn't for you. What do you mean it isn't? I'm an actor, ain't I? Aren't I? First lost and always, I'm an actor. And here I am laying around wasting my talents because nobody will give me a chance. DeMille makes the planesman, and he uses Gary Cooper. Then he turns around and makes the buccaneer and uses Frederick March. What they want with me at Paramount, I don't know. Why were you? I wouldn't even ask. That's so... And I certainly wouldn't keep pestering Mr. DeMille all the time. I'm not pestering him. He's just as anxious to do this as I am. I'll give him a ring right now. Hello? Give me Hollywood 06746, please. It's probably out, but I'll take a chance. Hello? Mr. DeMille's office? Well, this is Jack Benny speaking. Is Mr. DeMille back from lunch yet? Oh, he is? Well, can I speak to him? Thank you. There you are, Mary. I told you he was just as anxious. Hello? Well, how are you, Mr. DeMille? This is Jack Benny. Oh, I'm pretty good. Say, listen, I just called Mary. Oh, she's fine. She's fine. Say, Mr. DeMille, I've been thinking about that story at... What's that? Well, I know. No, I haven't got a cold. Well, maybe just a little cold. Look, Mr. DeMille, I've been thinking about that story at... Huh? Oh, Hot Lemonade, huh? Yes, yes, I'll do that. Say, Mr. DeMille, I've been thinking about quinine? Well, I don't think it's that bad. I... Oh, is that so? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No, no sneezing. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Ask him what's good for falling hair. Quiet. Uh-huh. Well, thanks, Mr. DeMille. But look, what I called you up about... Oh, it did, eh? Fixed you right up, huh? Well, thanks very much, Mr. DeMille. Yeah, goodbye. No, wait! Wait, what do I want to... Hello? Hello? Can you imagine that? We were cut off. Good morning, Cecil B. DeMille Productions. I'm sorry, Mr. DeMille is in conference. Mr. DeMille is in conference. Call later, please. I'm still not satisfied. Before I start casting a picture, I want to know that the story is right. And this story certainly isn't. Well, it's a perfect part for Gary Cooper, Mr. DeMille. The character's all right, yes, but he doesn't do anything. What is it, Miss Cole? I hate to disturb you, but Jack Benny is here. Jack Benny? Didn't you tell him I was in a story conference? Yes, sir, but it didn't do much good. He thinks it's about a story for him. Oh, I was afraid of that. Well, send him in. Yes, sir. Come in, Mr. Benny. Oh, thanks, thanks. Well, hello, CV, how are you? No, I'll pull through. Sit down, Jack. Thanks. You know Mary, don't you? Of course I do. Glad to see you, Mary. I just want you to know, Mr. DeMille, that I'm not here my own free will. He dragged me. Oh, stop it, Mary. You know, CV, Mary thinks I'm making a pest out of myself. You better tell her. I don't think that's necessary. Oh, well, how's it going, CV? Miss Cole told me you were having a story conference. That sounds like pretty good news. It might be if we had a story to confer about. Nothing doing yet, Jack. Oh, oh, I see. Well, that's too bad. You know, Jack, I've been thinking. Here, you and I have been stalling around, wasting all your time, and we're not getting any place. Maybe you ought to try some other producer. What? You mean walk out on you? I'm not built that way, Mr. DeMille. I'm not a quitter. I'm the kind of an actor who sticks. What? I said sticks. Now, look, Mr. DeMille, I don't care what happens, I'm with you right to the end. Well, that's very kind of you, Jack. Yeah, I'm not going to let a little thing like a story lick us. Not if I have to write one myself. Just like that, huh? Well, sure, I can do it all right. I've had some experience, you know. Well, it'll take you quite a while. Say, maybe it's not such a bad idea at that. Well, of course it isn't. No, no, now you run along and write that story, Jack, and I'll give you plenty of time to do it. Okay. Well, I'm going out to lunch. I'll see you in a couple of months. What are you going to eat, a whale? Mary. Now, look, look, CB. Now, look at here. I don't need a couple of months to write a story. When I get started on it, I'll probably knock it out in a couple of days. I'm in the mood. Ha! Well, what's the matter? You don't believe I could do it, huh? A complete scenario in 24 hours? I don't believe anyone could do it. Oh, you don't. All right, Mr. DeMille, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll start a story tonight. If I finish it in 24 hours, will you produce it? Well, it'll have to be good. Oh, I'll take care of that. Will you produce it? If it's a good story, why not? Now, tell you something else. If you can write a complete and original story in 24 hours, I'll let you play the lead in it. Mary, you heard that. You heard what he said. You're letting yourself in for it, Mr. DeMille. I don't think so. It's a mental and physical impossibility. That's Jack, all right. Ha, ha, ha! You'll find out, CB. Ha, ha, ha! So will you, JB. Well, all I need is a quiet place to work in. I may have to go out of town. That's all right with me. Any place you want. Okay. Now, let's see if I can... As a matter of fact, Jack, if you really want a quiet place, you can use my place up on Ball Paid. Where? Ball Paid Mountain. It's an old house I picked up a couple of years ago. I've never lived there, and no one can bother you because no one else can get in. There's only one key in existence, and I'll give that to you. Only one key, eh? That sounds great. Here it is. That's the only key to Ball Paid. Say, where is this place? How do I get there? Well, it's on top of Ball Paid Mountain, about 17 miles from the village of Ball Paid. You'll probably have to cut your way through the snowdrifts, but once you get there, you'll love it. The only thing you'll hear is a couple of hoot owls in the morning of the wind. What, no radio? No one ever goes near there. It's an ideal place to work. All right, the bet's on. I'll go pack now, and I'll leave for Ball Paid in an hour. Good. But remember, Jack, a complete and original scenario in 24 hours. Listen, Mr. DeMille, if I don't bring you back a complete and original story in 24 hours, my name ain't Jack Benny. Confidentially, Mr. DeMille, it ain't. Oh, come on. This is Ball Paid. You got that key? Right here. Say, it's kind of dark up this way, isn't it? Sure is. Blinden means the caretakers of this place. If we don't get over more than two or three times a year. If you ask me, that's two or three times too much. Now, you hash, Blinder, hash up. Go on in, Mr. Benny. I'll make a light for you. There ought to be an old oil lamp around here somewhere. Well, hurry, Jed. It's black as pitch. Say, Mr. Benny, you ain't really set on staying here all night, are you? I certainly am, Mrs. Waller. Oh, but you don't have to stay, do you? Well, in a way, why not? Why not? Jed, yes, why not? I'll tell you why not, Mr. Benny. Now, hash up. Blinder hash up. No need to go worrying him with all those tales. Well, it's 20 years or more since old man Krummet passed away. I never did believe in ghosts in a way. Say, who was this old Krummet? He owned this place. May heaven help him. But he's dead now. Dead and gone in his grave these 20 years. In his grave when he ain't out of his... No hash, Blinder, hash up. Oh, it's all right, Mr. Waller. I'm not very much afraid of ghosts. Oh, of course he ain't. Of course he ain't. I never would have believed a word of it myself. Except for what happened to the last fellow that stayed here. Would you like to hear about it? Well, not particularly. Well, it was a night just like this. Black as a crow's feather, With a wind howling in the morning through the trees. Just like now. Yes, I guess that's why no one ever heard his screams. You see? Here, here, stop it, stop it. I don't want to hear any more about it. I got a story to write here, And by heaven I'll write it, or my name ain't... Now get out of here, both of you. Go on, scab. And then you set on staying, huh? Yes, I'm set on staying, huh? Come on then, Jed, we can go. Our conscience is clear. Yep. Goodbye, mister. Goodbye. Well, goodbye. Hmm, let's see. The scene is in the library at night. The girl walks in, suddenly discovers it. Yeah, that's it, I think. Who's that? Who's out there? Who's outside that door? She is talking here. Who are you? It's okay, Morgan, I'm Cookie Blend. That's fine, but I'm not Morgan. How'd you get in here anyway? Why, come through the door. Yeah, I noticed that, but I happen to have the only key to that door. Oh, is that so? What do you think this thing is, a crochet needle? Oh, so you've got one too. What are you doing here? Well, I came to chatter. You know I was supposed to meet you here. You come for the dough, didn't you? The dough? Well, sure. Hey, yeah, you correct the safe yet? Well, I know. Say, what is it? Oh, listen here, Morgan. My name isn't Morgan, I'm Jack Benny. What? You heard me, Jack Benny. Oh, I'm dealing with a screwball, huh? Oh, listen, go away. Well, yeah, I've got a story to write. I'm right in the middle of a plot. Yeah, well, if you ain't Morgan, you're gonna be in the middle of another kind of a plot. And it don't have no happy ending. What are you talking about? Stick them up, pal. Stick them up. I'll blow you through the wall. Hey, listen. What's that? Somebody else is trying to get in. They told me there was only one key to this one. Shut up, shut up. Look here, screwball. I'm gonna hide in the next room, see? And you get him out of here. And don't mention nothing about me being his see. Because if you do, it's Coytons. You understand? Coytons. Coytons. Right? Well, good evening. Who are you? Who are you? No, no, I asked first. Oh, never mind that. How did you get in here? No trouble at all. I had a key. You lie. There was only one key to the wall. Payton, I have it. Well, it sure gets around. Now, listen, miss, I'm a very busy man. I came here to write a... What is your name? My name is Jack Benny, I think. Please, this is no time for jokes. All right, then have it your own way. My name isn't Jack Benny. It's Morgan. Morgan? Yes, Morgan. Put up your hands. Put them up. This is getting a little bit monotonous. I am going to kill you, Mr. Morgan. Hey, wait a minute. Don't shoot. I'm not Morgan. I only said that because the other fellow told me if I wasn't Morgan... What other fellow? Uh, huh? What other fellow? Are we someone else here? Oh, no, no, no. It's a fellow I met last week. He's in the curtain business. But I'm... Really, I'm not Morgan. You gotta believe me. Very well. It is good for you that you spoke in time. Well, thank you. Wow. Maybe you'll tell me what this is all about. I mean, why do you want to shoot Mr. Morgan? Why? Because he is a beast. Because he is planning to rob me of my inheritance. Listen, do you know who I am? My name is Cromit. Rita Cromit. Not one of the grave-walking Cromits. No, no, no. I see someone has told you about my grandfather. Yes, casually. Twenty years ago, my grandfather died very mysteriously. When he died, he left over $100,000. No one ever received a penny of it. Do you know why? He forgot to put stamps on the envelopes. No. No one you worried was. But recently some new facts have come to light. Facts which prove definitely that the money is still in existence. That it is buried, buried here, here in this very house. $100,000 in this house? Yes, and it is all mine. All mine, do you hear? Faintly. But the man named Morgan knows of these two. He is planning to come here to take the money to rob me. Oh, you must help me. Well, I'd like to, yes. But I have a story to write, and I've only got about three ministers. Listen, who is that? I don't know, and don't introduce me. Look, there is someone coming down these stairs. He is carrying a lantern. Who's down there? Who's down there? Shall we answer him? Miss Cromut, did your grandfather carry a lantern? Never. Was he a tall, thin man, all bent over with a long gray beard? No. Then there's a stranger in the house. Who's there, I say? It's us. What are you doing here? Who's that woman? I don't like women. Now, just a minute, my friend. If you'll come out from behind that beard, I'd like to ask a couple of questions myself. I mean, how did you get in here? I came through the back door. There is no back door. I made one. It wasn't that funny. I know who he is now. He's the hermit at Ball Pit Mountain. He's crazy. A maniac. Oh, so you're a hermit, eh? Yes, I am. I live alone. I live alone, but I don't like it. Get that woman out of here. I can't stand women. I hate women. I hate all women. How about Hedy Lamar? I don't like her either. Boy, you are nuts. Mr. Benny, please, do not joke with him. They're coming. Do you hear the drums? They're coming. Legions upon legions. Marching, marching. Closer and closer. Legions upon legions. And they're all dead. I've heard of him. He is very dangerous. There's no telling what he will do. If he comes back, we must humor him. Yeah, if I come back, humor me. Oh, no. No, do not go, please. You must not be me alone now. Look, look, I came here to write a story. Listen. Now he's someone at the door again. Someone is trying to get in. It's about time somebody tried to get out. I must not be seen here. I will be up in the attic. Do not breathe a word. Mary, you. Who'd you expect, Corrigan? Why not? How'd you open that door? With a key, why? That's ridiculous. Don't you know there's only one, only four keys in existence? Well, mine makes five. I didn't want to disturb you, so when I came through the village, I borrowed it from the grocer. A fine place that DeMille sent me to. Where did I see him again? What'd you come up here for, anyway? Well, don't look so annoyed. I got worried about you. I thought of you up here all alone, and, well, I thought you might like some company. Company? You've got more company now than a sweepstake winner. Mary, this is no place for you. You've got to leave right now. What do you mean leave? I just got here. I know, but you've got to go, and I don't ask questions, please. Are you trying to get rid of me? Oh, for p- Yes, I'm trying to get rid of you. Why? Mary, will you please do what I say? Not until I know what's behind all this. What's going on here, anyway? There's nothing going on here. Nothing. I meet Skirl. Here, what's the matter now? The manager tried to kill me. He's mad. Oh, you've got to help me. Stay near me. I can't stand it. No, no, no. Stop, stop. It's all right. It's all right. I'll take care of you. Just calm yourself. Now, everything's going to be all right. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Oh, Jack. What? Who's the foreigner? Her name is Rita Crummet, and she's in a lot of trouble. I'm trying to help her out. Miss Crummet, this is Mary Livingston. Oh, how do you do? I am very pleased to meet you. I'll bet you are. So this is the story you were going to write, eh? Well, I started it for you. I thought there was some reason why you wanted to get rid of me. Now, listen, Mary. Oh, don't try to make excuses. Oh, yeah. It's too bad I happened to come up here, isn't it? But I'm glad I did. Glad I found out about you before it's too late. Mary, are you crazy? I never saw this woman before in my life. Then what is she doing here? I'll tell you what she's doing. She came here after, after $100,000. Oh, bank night. Now, look, Mary, this money was... Oh, you can't pull it all over my eyes. It's all off between us, Jack. This is the end. Take Miss Crumpet and go. It's not Crumpet. It's Crummet. Well, she certainly looks it. Mary, look. This is silly. It's her money. She came here to get it. Now, there's a man named Morgan who's trying to take it away from her. And there's a fellow named Cokie Bland who's hiding in the other room. And he's trying to get it. Oh, my wife's going to stick them up. Hey, now, wait a minute, Bland. Wait a second. I didn't mean to tell her really. I didn't. It just slipped up. Stick them up. Come on, all of you. I warned you, pal. But you double crossed me, see? And now I'm going to lump your dumplings. You're going to what? Lump your dumplings. You're going to lump my dumplings. Jack. Jack, what does he mean? I'm not sure, but it was what I think it is. You better shake the morph balls out of your old black dress. We return in just a moment to the second act of Seven Keys to Ball Fates, starring Jack Benny, Mary Livingston, and Cecil B. DeMille. Now for a brief intermission, during which we overhear your friends, the Browning family. In their living room, Mr. Browning has discovered checking over-the-month bills. Dot sits by the window sowing. Betty has the radio tuned in to Flatfoot Flutey, while Dad is mainly trying to add a column of figures. Flatfoot Flutey. 26 and 43 is a... Quiet. Quiet. This is enough that I have to pay the bills. Do I have to add them up in a madhouse too? What bill, Dad? What bills? These bills. What on earth does this family do with stockings? We hang them up at Christmas and wait for Santa Claus. You're looking at Santa Claus right now. Well, I can't be Santa Claus on stockings much longer. In fact, I... don't think I'll buy another pair until you tell me why you can't make them last. Why, Dad, stockings just wear out. They pop runs and... Oh, Betty, if you'd only wash your stockings the way I told you. Yeah, Dot, I know. Every night in luxe, don't forget the luxe. It does make a difference, Beth. My stockings last lots longer than yours. On account of this elasticity, you're always talking about, I suppose. Stockings should stretch and then spring back. I wish this budget would. Honestly, Betty, it's dopey to wash stockings the way you do. Come on, be a good egg. Use luxe and help Dad out with the bill. Is somebody in this family actually going to do something to help me? Mother! Mother! Come quick! It's a miracle. That's what it is. A miracle. Yes, the girl who wears the stockings and the man who pays the bills are both thankful for luxe flakes. They cut down on costly runs and protect the beauty and fit of your stockings, too. Wash your stockings after every wearing in gentle luxe flakes. To save money, buy the big box. We continue with seven keys to Ball Pape, starring Jack Benny, Mary Livingston, and Cecil B. DeMille. A few minutes have passed. In the old house on Ball Pape Mountain, the situation remains unchanged, and Jack is still unshoved. Rita Crummet, Mary, and Jack are seated in a row against the wall. Bland covers them with an automatic. And I don't want nobody to make any false moves, see? If anybody bats a nile, I'll... You know what? You lump his dumplings. Right. Keep quiet, Mary. Well, that's what he said he'd do, didn't he? He was going to lump your dumplings. Well, you don't have to remind him of it. Don't worry, Scrooge Ball. I changed my mind about that. I'm going to wait here for Morgan. Well, I can wait if you can. Morgan is a beast. Nobody asks you, sister. He's trying to steal my money, but he won't. He won't, I tell you. I'll get that money tonight if it's the last thing I do. You'll lay one finger on it, and I will be. Hey, what is all this about money? What's everyone doing up here anyway? Oh, she came up here for some money, and this guy came up ahead of her. I came up to write a story. You came to keep me company. Now, one of us had sense enough to bring sandwiches. Shut up. Why don't you all go home and leave me alone? Shut up, I tell you. I won't shut up. You can't intimidate me. Anyway, not until Morgan gets here. Well, maybe I won't wait for Morgan, see? Maybe I'll break the rules for once and let you have it right now. Here, stop. Put that gun down. Put it down. Everybody said where you are. I've got to come back. Look, it's the hermit. Drop that gun. Drop that dicey. Oh, nuts. There, smarty pants. Hey, Jack. Who's the guy with the long beard? That's the hermit, Mary. Hiya, Hermie. Wonder what he looks like. I'm not going to get a lawnmower just for that. Who's this woman? Why is she here? Now, now, Hermie, control yourself. You certainly showed up at the right time. Where'd you get that gun? That's none of your business. I heard what you said. Up here after all, crumb it's money, huh? Well, you won't get it. None of you will get it. Listen, look, look. I don't even want the money. All I want is to be left alone, that's all. And this guy here was going to shoot me. Oh, he was, eh? Well, he won't. There, you see, Mr. Bland? Because I'm going to shoot you myself. What? There, you see, Mr. Bland? Quiet. Listen, Hermie, look. Be reasonable. What did I ever do to you? You brought these women here. Oh, he did, eh? I did not. He did show. Listen here, Hermie. I heard the whole thing. This stand came here for the dough. And this here guy promised he'd get it. There were a couple of cooks. And if I was you, I'd give it to him right now. Hermie, don't listen to him. He's crazy. He is, eh? Sure he is. He's stark, raving mad. So am I. Shake, brother. Shake. Ah! Gosh. Stop shaking, Jack. You're not in it. What about have it? Right now? Sure, right now. Why not? You keep out of this. If he wants to wait a little, that's his business. Go on, Hermie. Give it to him. No. We must wait. That's right. We got to wait for Morgan. No. Not for Morgan. We wait until midnight. I'll sit here and watch you squirm. Then, then when we hear the old village clock striking the hour, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven. Stop, stop. Hermie, you can't do that. A man down in cold blood. Why you don't know me? You don't even know who I am. You can't do it, Hermie. I tell you, you can't do it. Take off your hat. Now I know somebody's selling keys outside. Put that gun down, Santa Claus. I'm taking charge here. Don't move. Anybody. Brother. I don't know who you are, but you certainly are a lifesaver. Yeah. Hello, Glenn. Hi, Morgan. Morgan? What are you laughing at? Hello, Morgan. What's going on here, Blaine? I don't know a bush. I come up here like you told me to, and I find this guy punting on a typewriter. And this is a dame walks in and she's... Rita! So you're here, eh? Well, what of it? You double-crossing little snake. Say, you can't talk to Miss Cromet like that. Cromet? Ha, ha! That's a laugh. Do you know who this dame is? If she's Miss America, I'll scream. Quiet. Her name is Nolan. Rita Nolan. She's the slickest little crook in the business. What do you mean crook? And money belongs to anyone who finds it. Nobody will find it, because it's mine! Every penny of it, mine! Keep your mouth shut. Put up your hands, everybody. Me too? Yeah, you too. Keep them there, you hear? Yes, sir. Come here, Blaine. I want to speak to you. Okay, boy. Rest of you, sit tight. I got my eyes on all of you. Phew. Gee, Mary, I guess we're in a tough spot. I wished I had a gun. What for? You wouldn't shoot anybody. No, but I could commit suicide. Mary. Hey, Mary, don't make a move, but listen to me. We've got to get that gun away from Morgan. I've got a plan. What is it? Well, Morgan comes over here and starts to talk. You look behind him, see? And then you yell, Look out behind you. Then when he turns around, I'll grab his gun. How do you like that for an idea? I think it's corny. What do you mean corny? Shh, here you come. All right, Blaine. Let's get after that door. It's in the house somewhere. We've got to find it tonight. Here, you take the upstairs and I'll search down here. All right, Mary. Remember the plan. Oh, yeah. Say, Mr. Morgan, wait a minute. What do you want? Personally, I don't think this is going to work, but look out behind you. What? Hey, give me that gun. Stand right where you are, Mr. Morgan. I'll put it up your hands, everybody. You didn't think it would work, eh, Mary? See, I guess I'm not a scenario writer for nothing. Everybody line up against that wall, see? I'm after this situation, see? I got you all in the palm of my hand. If anybody moves, I'll dump his lumplings. Who had that phone connected? I'll answer it. Get away from that phone. Then call for me. No, just stand back. I'll take care of this. Sing. Be careful what you say, Jack. You can't tell who it might be. Don't worry. I guess I can handle it. I guess. Go ahead, Jack. All right. All right. Don't push me. Hello? Hello? What? No, madam. This is not Sam's delicatessen. Can you imagine that? Now what are we going to do? Anyway, I've still got the gun. We're going to stay here until I can reach the police. The police? Yes, and we have to wait here all night. Jack, why do we have to sit around waiting for the police? Why? Because nobody knows we're here, because I'm not a mental telepathist, because we haven't got a shortwave radio. Well, we have a telephone. Why don't we call them? Hmm. Well, I'd have thought of that, too. Hmm. I'll call them right now. Now don't move anybody. Hello? Hello, operator? Give me the police department and hurry. You're making a mistake there, buddy. You don't say. Well, you made a mistake when you came in here and tried to push me around. Hello? Is this the Ball Paid Village police station? Well, this is Jack Benny, and I'm up on Ball Paid Mountain. Yes, Jack Benny. What do you mean a gag? I tell you. What? All right, then you can be the king of Bulgaria. I'm still Jack Benny. I'm the king of Bulgaria. Let me talk to him, Jack. Okay. Now listen, Your Majesty. Give me that phone. Now get this. I'm up here on Ball Paid Mountain. I've got to... Yes. I know that. He lives on Ball Paid. That's why I'm here. No, I'm not crazy. Hello? Hello? Hello? Listen. Hello? You beat that. He hung up. Might as well go down there and stuff that phone down his throat. Why don't you? Let all these crooks walk out on me. Oh, no. Don't worry about them. You leave the gun with me and I'll keep school till you get back with the cops. Now don't be ridiculous. You couldn't handle this mob. All alone and everything. Sure I could. If anybody try to get out, I'll do that stuff with the dumplings. Give me the gun. I don't like this. I suppose something happened. Nothing's going to happen. Go ahead, Jack, and get back here as soon as you can. Well, all right, but keep your eye on them. I'll be back in an hour and I'll have the whole police force with me. Open this door! Hey! Hey, what kind of a police station is this? Open up, will ya? Hey, what goes on here? Hey, let me in. Is this the Ball Paid Village police station? It ain't the morgue. Well, you can't prove it by you. Where is everybody? Well, we closed early on Mondays. Oh, you do? Well, I want to see the Chief Constable. Where is he? Chief Constable? You'll find him in cell number six. He's playing draw poker with the three prisoners. Playing with the prisoners? Ain't he taking a chance? No, they're his cards. Oh. Just go right through that door. The Chief is the guy without the stripes. Thank you. Okay, Chief, I'll raise that bed. It'll cost you a dime to see him, Chief. And it'll cost him another dime to see me. Say, Chief, Chief, can I interrupt you for a minute? I'm the guy that caught Jeff about an hour ago from Ball Paid Mountain. Oh, yeah? I came down here to tell you there's a gang of desperate crooks up there, and you got to do something about it. Crooks, eh? Yeah. What do you got, Joe? Three kings. Hey, will you wait a minute? I got three aces. Your pot, Chief. Look, look, I just left them up there. They're being held by Mary Livingston. They're dangerous. Chief, you got to come right away. Uh, whose deal is it? My deal, Chief. Look, will you listen? One of them is going to kill me at 12 o'clock on the dot. He's a maniac. And if he misses me, there's three others who won't. I'll open a new deck. Take out the twos and threes. Look, look, Chief, I hate to be a kibitzer, but this is a matter of life and death. Who opened it? You did. I did not. You did too. Now, look, Chief, look, Chief, all I want is 10 cents blind, Joe. I'll see that and raise it a dime. Look, all I want is a little... Up a nickel. All I want is a... A nickel and one bet. Chief, it's a matter of life and death. And a nickel again. It's $100,000. What? Well, that's too high for me. I'll pay it. Wait a minute. What did you say? $100,000. I'm Ball Paid Mountain. Well, what are we sitting around here for? That's what I've been trying to tell you. There's a whole gang of crooks there after the money. Not well. Kennedy is Chief Constable. Can you show me the way? Follow me. Now, let's go. I've kept this county clean of crooks for 10 years. And by heaven, it'll stay clean. Now, come on. Wait. Where's my holster? Here it is, Chief, hanging on your chair. Hurry up. Is my gun in it? Yes, and two aces. Let's go. Well, it's for station identification. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System. This is the Lux Radio thing. This is the Lux Radio thing. This is the Lux Radio thing. This is the Lux Radio thing. This is the Lux Radio theater, ladies and gentlemen, brought to you with the good wishes of the makers of Lux Flakes. And now, before bringing you the third act of our play starring Jack Benny, Mary Livingston, and Cecil B. DeMille, we have a little intermission. During the week, one of the most distinguished violinists in the world, Mr. Ephraim Zimbalist, boarded a plane and headed west just to be with us tonight, a tribute for which we're most grateful. Due to the insidious machinations of Jack Benny, all violinists have fallen into a mild sort of disrepute, and especially a certain composition for the violin written by Schubert, a composition spelt B as in Benny, E, E. Like a night of old, a glow with a fierce flame of vengeance, Mr. Zimbalist is here to right ancient wrongs and to play the B with some regard for Mr. Schubert and the sensibilities of listening America. At last, Mr. Benny is cornered. Mr. Zimbalist, are you ready? Thank you, Mr. Wick, but there's no hurry. Let him suffer for a while longer. Well, why not? Oh, by the way, Mr. Zimbalist, what do you think of Jack as an actor? I find a remarkable similarity, Mr. Wick, between Mr. Benny the actor and Mr. Benny the violinist. Even as an actor, he insists on playing in seven keys. Mr. Zimbalist, I... Well, shucks, I play the violin too. Maybe you heard me in the buccaneer. I was the pirate who played the violin for Frederick March to soothe his nerves. Oh, is that so? May I suggest, Mr. Wick, that next time you give him a nice cup of hot milk? Oh, don't you like anything around here, Mr. Zimbalist? Oh, of course. I'm just trying to be funny, Mr. Wick. When a violinist tries to be a comedian, or when a comedian tries to be a violinist, heaven help the audience. I think I'd better play the B. Fine. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ephraim Zimbalist, accompanied at the piano by Theodore Seidenberg. I trust Mr. Benny's musical dumplings are at long last properly lumped. We hear him now with Mary Livingston and Cecil B. DeMille in act three of Seven Keys to Balltape. An hour later, Jack Benny has enlisted the aid of the Balltape Village Police. A car containing our hero and the chief constable pulls up the rugged mountain road. It comes to a stop just outside of the old house. Don't get excited. We're around the whole bunch of mud. Come on. Wait. Gosh, I forgot. We can't get in. I came out without the key. Don't worry about that. I got one. Oh, you have. Well, don't lose it. They're awfully scarce. Hey, look. Huh? What's the matter now? See, I left the light burning in that room. Now it's dark. All right. All right. Take it easy. I've got a flashlight. We'll break in on them and take them by surprise. Ready? Right. Now. Put them up! Never! There's nobody here. Hey, Mary. Mary! Why, they've all gone. They can't be gone. We'd have seen them coming down the mountain. Say, I thought there was something screwy about you. But I'm not screwy. They must be somewhere in the house. You look upstairs and I'll take the cellar. Okay. Here, take this other gun out of my hip pocket. And if you see anybody, shoot first. Gee. I hope nothing happened to Mary. Light, I can't see a thing. Mary. Oh, Mary, you're safe. Where are you? I can't see. I'm over here, Jack, sitting in a rocking chair. Oh, I thought something happened to you. Well, get out of that chair and come over here. Okay, but you'll have to untie these ropes first. What ropes? You mean you're tied to that chair? I couldn't help it, Jack. Really, I couldn't. Hmm. I might have known this would happen. Let me get those ropes. Who did this? Mr. Morgan. Oh, Morgan, eh? Yeah, right after I dropped the gun. Oh, you dropped the gun? Well, I couldn't help it. I was standing there covering them just like you told me. And all of a sudden, Morgan yelled, Look out behind you. And when I turned around, there was nobody there. There was nobody there. Yeah. Yeah. I guess that trick is better than I thought it was. Oh, shut up. Hey, listen, they're all upstairs again. Come on, slip out of those ropes. I'm ready. Up the stairs, quick. Jack, uh, maybe you better not go up there. Well, what are you talking about? I brought the law back with me. Kennedy's taking charge. He'll have those crooks in jail in an hour. They don't end up in a card game. Come on. Now, what goes on, Chief? You got the whole crowd, eh? And I got the money, too. It's in that big bag on the floor. That's my money. It's mine. Quiet, Hermie. You. I'll get you at 12 o'clock. 12 o'clock, eh? You got to get free first. Where'd you file the money, Chief? At Hermit, dug it up. This woman took it from him. Blaine took it from her. Morgan took it from him. And I'm taking it from all of you. Put that bag down. Give me that bag. It's mine. Don't let her take it. Give your hands off. Put down that. Do it on its own way. That's telling him, Chief. Where's the phone? Right over there on the desk. Put that money up here next to me. There you are, Chief. Now, everybody, stay nice and quiet. Hello, operator? I want Village 826. Yeah. Who you calling, Chief? The riot squad? I guess all you crooks will have a lot of time to think this over. Hello, Village 826. Is this Joe's pool room? Pool room. This is Chief Constable Kennedy. Let me speak to my wife, will you? Hmm. All right. You don't see her around. Maybe she's behind the eight-ball. Mary. Oh, you did, eh? Well, put her on the phone. Look, Chief, I don't want to interfere with your business, but why don't you call up the station? Hello. Is that you, Agnes? How's the game tonight, honey? That's good. Listen, honey, get this clear. I want you to get some clothes together in a hurry and catch the next train for Canada. Now, don't ask questions. I'll meet you there Wednesday morning. Yeah. With $100,000. Say, what are you trying to... Shut up! You got that straight, honey? Okay. Goodbye, sweetheart. What? Oh, all right. Goodbye, dear. Everybody's terrier. Say, what do you think you're going to do? You hurt me, buddy. I'm going to Canada. There's a fine time to visit the quintuplets. Shut up. Why can't you get away with this? I'll have the law on your trail in three minutes. No, no, you won't. I took care of that. There's four of my boys guarding the mountain road right now with orders to shoot anybody trying to leave. You're all going to stay right here until I get a head start. Then you can do what you want. You certainly are a fine cop stealing that money. Yeah. Why don't we divvy up, even Steven? You keep out of this. Why shouldn't I steal it from a gang of crooks like you? It's one chance in a lifetime to get this much dough, and I'm going to grab it. Yeah. I'm going to live in a marble hall and eat off gold plates and send my two boys to college. What do you think of that? You won't get away with it. I'll shoot you dead. You're stuck in on my list right now. Come back here, you. Shoot. He's gone. He's loose again. Find me. Smash your head out of this, Mr. Kennedy. You keep quiet. Why, a man's a maniac. He's crazy. He's going to kill me at 12 o'clock on the dock. If he bumps you off, he's not as crazy as I thought. Mr. Kennedy, you'll never get away with this. Get over that door. Stand back, you. Get away from me. Get away or I'll fuck the whole bunch. Get away. Come on. Put up your hands. Go on. Put them up, everybody. Mary. Mary, look who it is. Look. Who are you? I'm Cecil B. DeMille, the owner of Bald Pate. Two policemen refused to let me pass, and I shot them dead. Oh, this. This isn't true. Why, it can't be true. What's the matter here, Jack? Who are these people? How'd they get in here? Hey, I don't know. Have they disturbed you and your work? Look, how are you getting on with their story? How am I getting on? It's a nice question. Find a place you sent me to. Nothing but ghosts, crooks, murderers, maniacs, and now a director. You told me there was only one key. This place has more keys than a grand piano. But, Jack. You win, I lose. Twenty-four hours. I couldn't write a story in this joint in twenty-four years. Well, what's the matter with you? What are you all laughing at? Hey, what goes on here, anyway? I just want to tell you, Jack. I hope you're not going to be mad. But the whole thing was a joke. What was a joke? I sent all these people up here just for a gag. A gag? That's right. This girl you thought was Rita Crummet. Her real name is Eve Forsythe. I used her in my last picture. How do you do, Mr. Benny? Well, I'll be... This is a darned thing. It's a cookie blend, isn't it? A crookie isn't even a cookie. He's my old prop man. How are you, Mr. Benny? This is very funny. A Morgan here is an actor I've been using for years. His name is Jones. Jones? Well, what an odd name. Kennedy isn't the real chief constable, but he's a real actor. Well, thanks, Mr. DeMille. I'd say he's a real actor. He certainly had me going. Well, this is quite a surprise. And, of course, Mary was in on the whole thing from the start. Oh, she was. Hello, Jack. Mary. Gosh darn you. Oh, this is very funny. Say, Mr. DeMille, who is the hermit? Huh? You know the hermit. The guy you sent up here to act like a crazy man. Oh, he had me scared for a while. Who was he? I don't know what you're talking about. You know, the crazy guy. The guy who said he was going to shoot me at 12 o'clock. Sharp. You know anything about this Kennedy? Not me. I figured he was one of the actors. Well, I didn't send him. What? You mean you... You mean you... You mean you... There must be some mistake. I don't know anything about a hermit. One other do I. I thought that... Wait a minute. Do you mean this hermit is on the level? Well, he must be. But he's going to shoot me. He's going to kill me at 12 o'clock. Now, keep calm, Jack. There must be something we can do. But he's a maniac. He's crazy. He's roaming around loose. Listen, what time is it? What time is it now? It's exactly two minutes of 12. Two minutes of... They got me, Mary. They got me. Mary. Yes, Jack? Tell DeMille. Yes, yes. Tell DeMille. What, Jack? Tell DeMille what? Tell DeMille his watch is two minutes slow. DeMille's office. I'm sorry. Mr. DeMille is in conference. I'm sorry. Mr. DeMille is in a story conference with Mr. Benny. Mr. DeMille is in a story conference. Mr. DeMille. At the finish, the hermit shoots me and I fall to the floor. Mary leans over to me and says, Jack, look at me. Are you all right? And I look up at her and say, Tell DeMille, tell DeMille his watch is two minutes slow. Finish. There's your story, Mr. DeMille. And I finished it in 24 hours. Gee, Jack, that's swell. What do you think of it, CV? Did you write all this since you were in this office yesterday? I certainly did. Did you work at my place on ball-page? Yes, and you were right. I never heard a sound. But I used it for the locale of my story and brought in a lot of crooks and things. Well, I even put you in it. I had you come in at the finish to tell me it was all a day. Yeah, I know. And I wrote a part for Mary, too. Well, how do you like it? It's very good, Jack. Thanks. Now, you remember your promise, CV. You said you'd produce it. I certainly will. There you are, Mary. You see? Gee. And Gary Cooper is just the man for it. Gary Cooper. Now, wait a minute, Mr. DeMille. You said I could play the lead. I said you could play the lead if it was an original story. Well, it is original. And it's good, too. Yes. But it was also good in 1910 when Earl De Biggers wrote the novel. Oh, he did? Yeah, and in 1913, when George M. Cohen produced the play. Oh, what a coincidence. Yeah, and in 1925, when Paramount produced the silent picture. Oh, they got in it, too. Yeah, and in 1929, when R.K.O. made it as a talking. Well... Yeah, and I believe they all called it seven keys to ball paint. They did. Gee, and I was so proud of it. God, I thought it was my own brainchild, didn't you? And it turned out to be an orphan. Yeah. Well, I guess I'm licked. So the picture's off, ACB. I'm sorry, Jack. Gee, and I wanted to play the lead in it. Well, that's the way it goes. Yeah. Come on, Mary, let's go home. Wait a minute, Jack. You've still got a chance. Grab that script. What for? We'll take it over to Walt Disney. He'll produce it. He'll produce Walt Disney. Say, there's an idea. Come on, let's go. Walt Disney. So long, Jack. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. And that's the end of our Lux Radio Theatre version of Seven Keys to Ball Paint. But not the end of Jack Benny. He'll be back in a moment with Mary Livingston to be put on the spot again, I'm sure, by Mr. DeMille. Meantime, may I ask you, our listeners, a question. Have you ever been put on the spot by embarrassingly red, rough hands? If you have, if you want the smooth, white hands everyone admires, try changing to Lux Flakes for washing your dishes. Your hands may spend as much as 500 hours in the dishpan every year. Think of the damage a harsh soap may do. Such soaps are drying. They rob your skin of its natural oils. But Lux Flakes have none of the harmful alkali so drying to the skin. They leave your hands lovely. Do as so many clever women do nowadays. Use Lux for dishes. Buy the thrifty big box tomorrow. And now, Mr. DeMille, the actor, surrenders to Mr. DeMille, your host and producer, as he brings Jack Benny and Mary Livingston back to our microphone. Thank you for that word, actor, Mr. Rick. And now a brief exchange of opinions with the man of the hour. Oh, Jack, Mr. Benny. Mary, where's Jack? He's in the next room taking off his makeup. Makeup? But Mary, does he use makeup on radio? Well, Jack has to on a kind of mic fright. Mic fright? What's that got to do with it? When he doesn't put on makeup, he frightens the mic. I see. Here he comes now. Hey, Jack. Mr. DeMille wants you. Oh, yes, Mr. DeMille. Well, Jack, now that it's all over, I've got to admit that tonight's acting was superb. Really great. Gee, Mr. DeMille, you mean that? I certainly do. It was brilliant. Well, and there's no room for an argument there. Thanks. I thought I was pretty good. You? Of course. Who did you mean? Oh, well, yes, yes, Mr. DeMille. I thought your acting was all right. Yes, sir, all right. You mean you didn't think it was good? Well, I didn't think it was bad. But you didn't say it was good? No, no, I said it was all right. All right. Yeah, but you said it like major bows. No, I really thought you were swell. And speaking of histrionic ability, I wasn't exactly a sound effect on this program myself. I agree with you, Jack. I thought you did a great job. Thank you. Hey, Gable. What? What is it, Mary? It's not always a matter of personal opinion. I thought I was pretty good, too. Mary, you were excellent. I don't know what we'd have done without you. It's got me stumped, too. By the way, Jack, what did you think of the way Mr. Zimbalist played the bee? Oh, I thought it was quite good, Mr. DeMille. Of course, his pizzicato was a bit strong. And when it came to the andante, I thought he was slightly razzmatazz in there. Oh, he was? Oh, yeah. But when it came to the Allegro, nobody can question that. They better not question you, either. They'll do the most good, either. And not question you, either. Now, look. Always comes then with their little tooth, then. Now, look, Mr. DeMille, now that it's all over, let's be serious. How about my playing the leading role in your next picture? I've been looking forward to it, and I know I can do it. Well, I've been riding a horse eight hours a day just to get in shape for the part. You've been practicing on the wrong kind of a horse, Jack. Union Pacific is the story of an iron horse. The thing I rode wasn't made of feathers, Mr. DeMille. But, Jack, you've got it all wrong. An iron horse is a locomotive. Union Pacific is a railroad story. Oh, a railroad story, Mr. DeMille. Railroads are right down my alley. That was before you moved to the new house. That means a part in the picture I'll move right back. How about it, Mr. DeMille? He'll think it over. You stay out of this. What do you say? Mary's right. I'll think it over. Okay, that's good enough for me. By the way, I want to wish you good luck on the opening of your new Jell-O series next Sunday night. You too, Mary. Thank you, Mr. DeMille. Thank you. Oh, Mr. DeMille, I still think you're right about my trying to be a dramatic actor. I'll wash my hands of the whole thing. And to show you, there's no hard feelings. I'll do it with lucks. Well, I guess we'll be running along. Come on, Mary. Okay. Say, Jack, didn't it seem strange working tonight after our long vacation? It sure did. But I got a lot of laughs tonight, didn't I, Mary? Yeah, tuck in your shirt tail. Let's go home. Oh, good night, girl. See you Sunday. Good night, Hamlet. Good night, Mary. Our stars in play for next Monday night are announced very shortly by Mr. DeMille. Heard in tonight's cast were Margaret Brayton as Rita, Ted Osburn as Hermie, Ross Forrester as Bland, Gail Gordon as Morgan, Lou Merrill as Kennedy, John Fee as Sargent, Eddie Waller as Jed, Martha Wentworth as Belinda, Joe Kearns as a prisoner, Victor Rodman as Ballester, Mary Lansing as telephone operator, Frank Nelson as Oakley, Dorothy Griewatts as Miss Cole, and Catherine Carlton as a girl. Jack, Benny and Mary Livingston return to the air on the Jell-O program next Sunday night. Mr. Benny's new Paramount film is Artists and Models Abroad. Louis Silver, our musical director, appeared through courtesy of 20th Century Fox Studio, where he directed music for the new picture, Straight, Place and Show. Here's Mr. DeMille. Believing with Disraeli that Variety is the mother of enjoyment, we turn from the comedy of tonight's play and bring you next Monday night to more dramatic and romantic feels in presenting our adaptation of the recent hit picture, Another Dawn. This tense play carries us to Arabia, where in the heat and mystery of the desert, a handful of soldiers hold aloft their country's flag, and a beautiful girl picks up the fragments of her lost happiness. Our stars, a trio of Hollywood's most popular celebrities, Madeleine Carroll, Franchotone and George Brent. Our sponsors, the makers of Lux Flakes, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night. From the Lux Radio Theatre presents Madeleine Carroll, Franchotone and George Brent in Another Dawn. This is Cecil B. DeMille, the former actor, saying goodnight to you from Hollywood. Here has been Melville Royce. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.