 CHAPTER XIII. THE LOSING OF THE KEYS. Like Bluebeard's wife I lost the key, thenceforth it was not well with me. I say, Nora, said Nancy to her sister one afternoon, a day or two after the foregoing conversation, have you seen my keys tumbling about anywhere? Your keys? No. Have you lost them? I must have done so, but goodness knows where, replied Nancy, unconscious of the obviousness of her reply, since if goodness did not know where the said keys were, secreted they could hardly be described as lost. Which keys are they? Oh, there is the key of my jewel case, and the key of my cash box, and the key of the box, where all my old love letters are kept, and one or two others. Of the strange and sudden reserve which now and again attacks, outspoken people Nancy did not mention that the other two keys, on the last bunch, were those of the front door and the library at Baxendale Hall. There is no secret, though well kept, as the secret which is guarded by the occasional reserve of habitually unreserved natures. If a man is naturally secretive we expect him to keep back something and allow for the fact but it never occurs to us that the usually outspoken are capable of keeping back anything, and so we conclude that the thing which they do not tell us does not exist. Hence the unreserved have powers of concealment which are denied to the naturally silent. Our inconvenient, exclaimed Nora, it is most frightfully inconvenient and it isn't a bit my own fault because I distinctly remember taking them out of the pocket of my dirty muslin frock and putting them into the pocket of my clean one. I suppose one's pocket isn't really a very safe place for things. Yes it is the safest place in the world because the things are always in one's own keeping, don't you see, and other people can't get at them. Perhaps there was a hole in your pocket, Nan, well if there was it wasn't my fault, it was Pearson's. Pearson was the Miss Burton's maid. If a maid can't mend a hole in one's pocket what is the good of having a maid at all? Or perhaps you pulled them out with your pocket handkerchief, Nora suggested further, well if I did that wasn't my fault either, what is the use of a pocket handkerchief that you never take out of your pocket? It would be worse than a chain Bible or a captive balloon. Never mind Nan, I can lend you my pearl beads till your jewel case is opened again or anything else that you need, Nora was a very good sister. Oh the jewel case doesn't matter because it doesn't happen to be locked. Then if it is the cash box I can lend you as much money as you want till the keys are found again. That doesn't matter either because I've spent all this quarter's allowance already and the cash box is empty. Then if it is only the old love letters I can lend you plenty of them, two heaps upon heaps and they're all pretty much the same whoever they happen to be addressed to so one set is as good as another. Good gracious it isn't the love letters that matter because the lock of that box is broken so that anybody can get at them in as well without the key as with it. Then why bother about the keys it all asks sensible Nora, I wasn't bothering about them replied Nancy hastily only it is stupid to lose things. Never mind they are bound to turn up our things always do and with that scanty comfort Nancy had to be content and the conversation drifted into his wanted channel namely the Baxendale catastrophe. I wonder how Lawrence will bear all these horrid suspicions about him remark Nora thoughtfully he's just the sort of person to take them to heart I know he is that's just the bother how do you mean oh I mean that's just the bother don't you know as shown in the matter of the keys a reserve contrary to her nature seized Miss Burton when discussing anything connected with Mr. Baxendale until now she had been the most transparent person possible only too glad to retail her innermost thoughts and feelings to anyone who had patients to listen to them but a new shyness born of her love for Lawrence made her shrink from talking openly about her feelings toward him and a new loyalty to him and everything concerning him made her shrink from talking openly of his feelings toward her you mean that you think he'll die of a broken heart or anything thrilling of that kind persist and nor who like to sift a matter to its drugs oh dear no but I'm afraid he'll mind awfully and that he won't laugh at it as we should if people said we've done anything queer yes he's much more sensitive than we are and that's a pity it isn't a pity at all Nancy Farter it only shows what tremendously fine material he is made of now immensely superior he is to us he may be superior to us but he isn't superior to Mr. Arbuthnot and Mr. Arbuthnot says it is innovating to care as much for the center of other people as Lawrence Baxendale cares Mr. Arbuthnot should mind his own business and not interfere with things that don't concern him he doesn't interfere he told me he was longing to tell Lawrence how much he sympathized with him and what a pity he thought it was that Lawrence was taking the matter in the way he is taking it but that he didn't venture to do so for fear Lawrence should think he was taking a liberty then he ought to have spoken to Lawrence and shown his sympathy with him and advised him not to take idle gossip so much to heart it was his duty as a parish priest to do so and I think it has been a great neglect of duty on his part to leave poor Lawrence so much to himself cried Nancy with fine disregard of the penultimate remark but it is difficult not to leave people to themselves when they persist in keeping to themselves you and you can't deny that Lawrence Baxendale is doing that he hasn't been near us since the hall was burned down and he used to drop in nearly every day a woman will always endeavor to prove satisfactory alibi on the part of a man who has not been to see her as often as she thinks and would rather die than own she thinks he ought and the more clearly she sees that he could come if he had wished to do so the more conclusively does she demonstrate that his advent would have entailed a suspicion of all the laws of nature where for Nancy quickly replied he couldn't possibly have come he's been much too busy putting his own fire out and consuming his own smoke to pay calls he's had no end of things to do since the hall was burned down I dare say he has but all the same he might have looked in just for five minutes of only to tell us that he hadn't time to do so however busy a person is he has always time to write and say that he hasn't time to write at least that has been my experience and the principle is the same with calls as with letters how silly you are nor he's been up at the hall every day looking after things I know that but he might have come here before he went on or after he came back so that we might have told him how sorry we are for him but that is just what Lawrence would hate to see that people were sorry for him that's what I call so standoffish and unneighborly I always like people to be sorry for me even if they've no cause to be I love to be pity it makes people so fond of one and I hate to be pity there's the difference between you or me my dear nor I adore admiration and I hate pity whatever I had to suffer I couldn't bear anybody to be sorry for me except nobody Nancy stopped just in time nor gaze thoughtfully at her sister you and Mr. Baxendale aren't really so very different after all I believe you are as proud underneath your outspokenness as he is underneath his stiffness and you would hate to be pity every bit as much as he does yes I should I should and that's why I understand the reason of his not wanting to come and see us explain Nancy forgetting that she had just proved that there was no such reason or any need for one he feels that we should pity him and that we should show it and that's just what he couldn't stand well I can't grasp the idea do you mean to say now that if you were unhappy it wouldn't comfort you to know that other people were sorry good gracious no it would make everything a thousand times worse I wish people to envy me I don't even mind they're disliking me and I enjoy their disapproving of me but all the time I insist on their regarding me as a brilliant young woman and admiring me even while they detest well you are funny I'm not made a bit like that I am and it's a very good make to you mean to say you would rather be admired than loved asked nor much rather admiration without love I delight in but love without admiration would make me positively ill I expect that is why you and Lawrence get on so well together you are both proud though in such different ways yes we are alike in some things but not in others I only wish we were you mean you wish he was more like us oh dear no I wish I was more like him Nora was silent for a moment then she said you admire him very much don't you Nancy I should just think I do more than anyone else I ever saw or ever dreamed of Nancy's reserve was beginning to fall in the warm atmosphere of sisterly communion I wonder if you admire him as much as I admire Michael Arbuth not Nancy laugh the laugh of the scornful I should rather think so there's so much more in him to admire but her sister was not going to stand that oh no there isn't in the first place he is a layman and in the second he hasn't half as much to say for himself nobody could admire him as much as the vicar well I can and do Nancy could be obstinate when occasion demanded it nor is pretty forehead was wrinkled with thought do you feel that you thoroughly understand Lawrence Baxendale she asked I often wonder if you do Nancy pause for a second before replying yes and no she said slowly oh how very interesting do explain man I always know what he will do in any given circumstance but I don't always know why he will do it just as I always know when I've heard him but hardly ever how I have heard him clever little nor not it I see you know exactly where he will get to but you don't know by what road yes that's it for instance I understand that because he has heard and soar he will not come near to any of us for fear we should pity him but why the idol gossip of the people about here should make him so sore and hurt him so much I haven't the ghost of an idea if I knew I hadn't done a thing I shouldn't care who said I had in fact I don't think I should care much for that even if I hadn't done it he evidently is awfully cut up about it or else he wouldn't shut himself up in the way he is doing yes and I'll tell you more exclaimed Nancy in a sudden burst of sisterly confidence I knew he'd go like this the minute I heard what nonsense people were talking though why he should take it so hard I can't conceive and it's such a mistake because his father says it makes people think that their suspicions against him are correct Nancy rung her hands I know I know that is where he is such a good noble stupid darling he has no idea of taking the course most advantageous to himself it is a pity sad pretty nor with a knot all together unbearable sorrow which even the best of women feel over the follies of a brother-in-law either in essa or in posse heaps of men would have turned this misfortune to their own account and made quite a piece of good luck out of it do you think I don't know that and poor Nancy fairly groaned but your dear Lawrence never will now if only he'd manage things the right way continued nor the whole affair would turn out for his good he would be saved for the future from paying that tiresome insurance money and would pocket a fortune of a hundred thousand pounds into the bargain but some people have a knack of taking occasion by the hand and others haven't that's true king canoe for instance was built after the box and dale pattern when he rebuked his couriers for saying that he could rule the waves a lot britanya and then had his throne put where he knew the sea would wash over him after he had specifically forbidden it to do so yes that's exactly what Lawrence would have done now had I been in canoe's place Nancy went on I should have placed my throne just half a yard above high water mark and I should have ordered the sea not to touch my feet and of course it wouldn't then I should have turned to my couriers and said see how right you were nor left but they wouldn't have believed either you or themselves they'd have seen through your little dodge and have known that the sea didn't obey you really of course they would but they'd have winked behind my back to one another and said she knows a thing or two does mrs canoe now it seems to me that great men are like canoe they show to the world how smaller thing is their own greatness compared with the greatness of abstract truth but clever men are like me they adopt the greatness of abstract truth to increase their own greatness and the world isn't always quite sure where the one ends and the other begins I wonder which feels the nicer to be great or clever it depends on the sort of things that you enjoy most if you want your biography to read on sunday afternoons by the next generation but one be great but if you want to peerage and Westminster Abbey be clever but I don't want either as it happens nor explain then if you don't know what you want what's the use of asking me how to get it silly I do know what I want though oh if you only want a sweetheart for youth and a husband for middle age and a widower to plant forget me not so new grave which is all that most women want you need in trouble to be either great or clever it will be quite enough if you do your hair nicely and wear your best clothes when there's an off chance of seeing him laugh Nancy nor not at her head with satisfaction oh Nancy how wise you are about always wearing one's best clothes I mean but all the same it comes expensive it does I know that from experience I don't mind telling you as a secret that the return of the backs and tails from drawbridge castle has taken three months off the average life of a new hat as far as I am concerned I know and yet it doesn't do to go out in an old one when there's a chance of meeting anybody and nor look very serious of course it doesn't why my dear I once heard a dreadful tale and it was quite true too of a man who was very sweet on a girl and was and was just going to propose to her but he happened to meet her at a party where she wore her last year's hat and she looked so doubty that it fairly choked him off then do you think men always like us less when we don't look nice Nancy I think they always like us better when we do which comes pretty much to the same thing and why strain their affection poor dears to the breaking point they are bound to love and cherish us in sickness and poverty and all sorts of similar unpleasantnesses but there is no absolute necessity for them to love and cherish us in shabby hats and I should never worry them for an extra such as that I see after all continued Nancy love like a canal bridge ought not to be expected to carry more than the ordinary traffic of the district and I consider a last year's hat on a par with a traction engine greatly in excess of the ordinary traffic and to be feared accordingly yes nanny you're right it doesn't do to strain even love too far there were a few minutes pause and then Nancy suddenly asked not propose of nothing do you think that the end generally justifies the means when you want any particular thing mr abutna says it doesn't still you see he is a clergyman and so would take stricter views of things than ordinary people would being a clergyman must make every day like sunday don't you think then you should say that being a clergyman's wife would make every day like sunday too nor his face was quite anxious as she put this question not quite more like saint's days and harvest festivals and christmas neither one thing nor another but don't you think that with an ordinary man or woman the end would justify the means I really don't know do you think it would yes replied Nancy seriously I do I think that if you want a thing with all your heart and are convinced that the thing will do you good and not harm if you get it you are justified in leaving no stone unturned and trying to get that particular thing but you wouldn't do anything that was actually wrong and trying to get it would you man ah there's my difficulty it's so hard for me to know what is actually wrong and what isn't I'm sure that different people have different kinds of consciences just as they have different kinds of ears and eyes nor looked puzzled how do you mean I don't quite understand I mean that one man has a sensitive ear so that he can tell it once if a note is out of tune and another man hasn't and one man has a sensitive eye so that he can tell it once whether colors harmonize with each other or not and another man hasn't and one man has a sensitive conscience so that he can tell it once if a thing is wrong and another man hasn't then haven't you got a sensitive conscience Nancy no I haven't I can't tell instinctively whether a thing is right or wrong as some people can if anyone proved to my entire satisfaction that a thing was actually wrong I wouldn't do that thing for worlds but I have no power of finding out for myself whether things are right or wrong haven't you how funny well I can't help it if I'm made like that anymore than a musical people or color blind people can't help it nor a looked doubtful I don't know I'm afraid it's rather wicked of you no it isn't it really isn't things that you can't help can't be wicked you might just as well say that it is wicked to be deaf or blind or lame it is better not to be I admit but there's no wickedness about the thing and you mean to say Nancy that your conscience never acts at all neither backward nor forward if it doesn't keep you from doing things doesn't it make you miserable after you've done them not of itself if other people prove to me that I ought not to have done something that I have done then of course I'm dreadfully sorry that I did it but I can't find out for myself that I oughtn't to have done it well remark nor you can't say that you and Lawrence are alike in this respect if you are in others for a more active conscience than his I never came across active it's more than active it's always in a state of eruption like the suvious and I should think you find it very difficult to understand this part of his character I find it more than difficult replied Nancy I find it utterly impossible one thing however I have learned from observation and experience and that is however incomprehensible a man may be it is always a mistake for a woman to try to translate him for the benefit of the audience she only makes matters worse her translation doesn't render him an atom easier to be understood but it has such an irritating effect on him that he makes himself more troublesome and obscure on purpose if a woman wants to study men she must do so in the original it is useless attempting to publish them in one's mother tongue men are like poetry aren't they if you attempt to translate them all the rhyme and most of the reason are lost in the process whatever brings you girls stuffed up in the house this lovely afternoon exclaimed Anthony Burton bursting into the room where the two sisters were sitting I'm going out almost at once replied Nancy but I thought the longer I waited the cooler it would get I imagined that our beloved Nora would be attending even song this afternoon remark Nora's cousin with a malicious twinkle in his eye but evidently I exaggerated that young woman's devotional tendencies I'm going to even song Nora to merely reply I always go to on Wednesdays and Fridays but it isn't time to start yet she added looking at the clock it is only a quarter past four only a quarter past four about this clock Anthony corrected her but other clocks tell a very different story Nora started up from her seat of gas do you mean to say that this clock isn't right what a nuisance I was depending upon it and thought I had heaps of time now I shall have to hurry and get so disgustingly hot what is the right time Tony and poor Nora pinned on her hat and patted her fringe and looked for her gloves in a great hurry that depends upon what country you are referring to replied Anthony cautiously Nora stamped her foot impatiently don't be silly but tell me what time it is by your watch the same as by your clock 15 minutes past four but you said this clock was different from the others argued Nancy with a frown so it is quite different from all the clocks in Australia and America and Africa and even on the other side of Europe but I never said that it was different from the other clocks in this country because it isn't the two girls burst out laughing what a goose you are exclaimed Nora you did give me a fright that my dear child was my intention well at any rate I shall start now she added so as to be in church by five o'clock as I don't want to hurry I'm going out to said Nancy and the two girls left the room together and then went there several ways Nora to church and Nancy toward Baxendale in search of her lost keys as the latter walked across the field and threw the iron gate into the lane she looked at the ground in the hope of recovering her missing property but in vain not a sign of her keys could she see she had not been quite open with Nora as to where she remembered seeing them last in that sudden reserve which attacks all women even the most loquacious when they first fall in love and realize that a stranger has stepped in between them and their own people Nancy had never told her sister about Lawrence's loan of the keys of Baxendale and now she did not wish to mention the fact to anybody she was clever enough to know that in the present unpleasant state of affairs the less that was said about anyone's having access to the hall the better she did remember putting the keys into the pocket of a clean new muslin dress the morning before the fire but she further remembered going up to Baxendale hall that very day and using both the key of the front door and the key of the library but from that time she had no recollection of seeing the bunch of keys at all she had only just discovered her loss but now it had occurred to her that as she had no further use for the keys she had better return them to Lawrence and on looking for them in order to give them back to him lo they were nowhere to be found she'd been searching for them all morning in the house and garden of wayside and now she thought she would walk up to Baxendale by her accustomed path and see if she could find them either on the way or there but though her eyes were busy peering in every possible spot for the missing keys or thoughts were filled with Lawrence in accordance with her usual light-heartedness she resolutely put from her the thought that the burning of Baxendale hall could be anything but a blessing ordained for the special purpose of putting her lover and herself in a position to marry nevertheless she could not quite banish the consciousness that hitherto the catastrophe instead of bringing her and Lawrence together had served to drive them apart it was very strange she thought that Lawrence did not come to her in his trouble as she would have gone to him had the trouble been hers but there was a certain ghastly familiarity in the strangeness a certain cruel conviction in the impossibility which men and women experience when they realize that the incredible has come to pass and that the unbearable has to be born also they're clutched at the heart of man see the first pangs of that world old agony which comes to all of us when we first understand that there are limitations to our gift of consolation toward those whom we love best that our power to love and our power to console are by no means synonymous it is when our best beloved are writhing from the effects of a wound which no touch of ours can heal or even soothe that we are brought face to face with the incapacities of human affection we would gladly give our very lives if this pain could be in any way diminished but it cannot our powerlessness is as complete as is our sympathy as we go through the world we love and our love by many we cheer and our cheered by many we help and our help by many but if in the whole course of a lifetime we find one human heart which we are able perfectly to heal and to comfort one human hand which is able perfectly to heal and comfort us we may of truth consider ourselves blessed for this is the greatest and the rarest gift vouch safe to the sons and daughters of men as Nancy struggled against the conviction that Lawrence had gone down into the shades of the prison house and had shut the door in her face in spite of all her longing to follow him she suddenly raised her eyes and saw her beloved coming toward her along the grassy lane she had looked for him at the crossroads and he was nowhere to be seen so she'd gone on her way with that heart sickness which is the invariable result of not finding the expected person at the accustomed place but now she met him at another point of the road on his way from Baxondale to Poplar Farm not as she was quick to perceive on his way from Poplar Farm to Wayside and the perception cut her like a knife in chapter 13 chapter 14 of fuel of fire this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org fuel of fire by Ellen Thorny Croft Fowler chapter 14 the finding of the keys sometimes the finding of a thing more sorrow than the loss doth bring Nancy's first impulse on meeting her lover in the lane was to rush into his arms and tell him straight out how her heart was overflowing with love and pity for him and ask him why he had not come to her for comfort but the sight of his face as he drew near nipped this inclination in the bud there was something about Lawrence Baxondale something intangible and indescribable yet nevertheless to be felt by all who were brought into contact with him which impressed other people in spite of themselves and forbade them to take a shadow of a liberty with him or even to treat him with a hail fellow well-met of common familiarity it may have been the innate distinction born of a long line of noble ancestry it may have been the still-hired dignity conferred by an honorable and single-minded character but whatever it was nobody who came within the sphere of Lawrence's influence could be unconscious of its presence or could fail to perceive that in some subtle and indefinable way this man was made of finer material than his fellows it did not make men love him any the better for it rather perhaps it made the ordinary run of them love him somewhat the less but it made them want in all respect even if they feared him and it caused all sordid thoughts and mean aspirations to shrivel up in his presence as flowers in a frost nance he'd always been conscious of this characteristic in her lover and now and then it had frightened her frightened her with the thought that someday she should do something not in accordance with the strict and honorable code of Lawrence Baxondale and that then there would be found for her in his merciless judgment no place of repentance even though she sought it prayerfully and with tears she felt that Lawrence's own truthfulness and consistency would only serve to make him all the harder in his condemnation of those who were neither true nor consistent and that he would say with the apostle that those who offended in one matter offended in all she'd often said to herself that if ever she did what he considered wrong she should never have the courage to confess the fault to him and beg for his forgiveness no she should have to deceive him as to her deficiency as long as she could and when deceit was no longer possible she should have to go out of his life altogether for the well-bred disdain which he needed out to all whom he considered unworthy of his respect was more Nancy felt than she could bear she was by nature a woman of quick perceptions and there is no such sharpener of natural perceptions as love therefore her first side of Lawrence's face told her that he was in one of the moods when he was most terrible to an unattainable by his inferior fellow creatures she had meant to tell him about the loss of the keys but the way in which he greeted her showed her that this was not the occasion for enlightening her lover as to any of her shortcomings so she decided on this matter to hold her peace until a more opportune moment presented itself but although Nancy was a woman of quick she was not a woman of deep penetration she saw that on the surface Lawrence was severe in his strictures and stern in his judgments and there she stopped she did not go below the outer crust of the man and fathomed the depths of tenderness hidden beneath the apparent coldness and haughture of his demeanor at present she had nothing to draw with and the well was deep in time it might be that her own love for him would teach her fully to comprehend his love for her but love is a slow though a competent schoolmaster and his plan of education is by no means a rapid one the cramming system is not his and therefore need the he hurry seeing that he is indeed immortal and that his pupils will be through all eternity his pupils still but in the learning process men and women make sad and many mistakes and Nancy was making one now in allowing Baxondale's chilly greeting of her a chilliness arising solely from shyness which found it difficult for him to express deep feeling and the sensitiveness which fear that any such expressions should be misunderstood to blind her eyes to the real anguish of the man's soul and to deafen her ears to his silent cry for her help and sympathy in his hour of need so it came to pass that poor foolish Nancy met Lawrence with a half-gesting manner which put him further from her than the coldest stiffness would have done and added greatly to the weight of that burden which he already felt was almost greater than he could bear oh it's you is it she remarked early as if his appearance which he had mainly looked for at their crossways was a complete surprise where are you going to my pretty sir i'm going home replied Lawrence the misery in his eyes almost broke through Nancy's flippancy but not quite i haven't seen you for ages and ages four hundred years at least if not five it is so long since you've been to wayside that i concluded you'd forgotten where the place was situated and i meant to send you a map with the spot mark especially on it in red ink as if it were a station for a projected railway if laurence could be indifferent so could she nancy remarked to herself as if indifference and the look in laurence's eyes were on speaking terms with each other but there is no one so blind as the woman who has made up her mind beforehand to see something else i've been very busy for one thing and for another i didn't feel much in the humor for paying calls it was an inadequate speech and laurence knew and regretted it before the life of him he could not think of any less lame excuse nancy toaster hid oh you needn't apologize to me for not coming if you didn't want to come there's nothing bores me so much as apologies if people want to come and see you they'll come and see you and if they don't want what's the use of telling fives about it it isn't one of the seven deadly sins you know not to yearn to call upon the burdens every other afternoon it's merely a matter of taste laurence felt himself visibly freezing under this treatment of nancy's there is no barrier which so completely a stranger's man from man and still more man from woman has flippancy whether real or assumed it is a little matter which indeed separates very friends and lovers even more effectually therefore he did not reply but looked at nancy in dumb misery i never quarrel with people for not coming to see me any more than i quarrel with them for not writing to me she went on in her most nonchalant style because a quarrel is no fun when there's some ground for it it is when there is absolutely no excuse for it that our quarrel is pure joy just as there is no pleasure in saying nasty things that you really mean the pleasure is in saying nasty things that you don't mean i make a point of never saying sharp speeches to people who deserve them because i find if i do the culprits are so pained by the accurate fit of the cap that they never rest till it is publicly removed don't you think that is so i don't know nancy's stamped her foot i wish you wouldn't always say i don't know when i ask you things it is a habit of yours which aggravates me almost to distraction what do i care what you know as long as there is something you can find to say i'm not a cambridge local examiner or a bishop preparing you for ordination that you need be so careful to treat me to nothing but accurate knowledge again laurence was silent was this heartless coquette the woman he had clasped in his arms just one week a long eternity of one week ago and if so which was the real nancy he wondered was this flippancy merely a cloak to hide her warmer and deeper feelings or had she been playing with him all along perhaps he ought to have known her better than to suspect her of this latter insincerity but when a man's heart is bleeding from the effects of fortune's buffets and his neighbor sneers he is not always capable of judging righteous judgment you are very dull this afternoon the girl continued in defiance of the tugs at her heartstrings which every sound of laurence's voice produced the woman who can hear the sound of pain in her lover's voice unmoved has yet to be born but the women who can hear that sound without showing that they are moved are by name legion and dullness is the one thing which my soul abhors she added it is bad enough to say i don't know but it is ten times worse to say nothing at all and you've been guilty of both enormities during the last five minutes think of committing to unpardonable sins in less than five minutes i'm downright ashamed of you mr. backsandale here's a nice rule of three some for you to work out if a man commits to unpardonable sins in five minutes how many unpardonable sins will he commit in 70 years laurence raised his head his spirit was so sorely wounded that nancy's cruelly careless touch upon the raw was more than he could bear just now i cannot help being dull nancy but i can help inflicting that dullness upon other people so i will wish you good afternoon and before the girl could reply he'd passed on nancy was very angry and she was all the more angry with laurence because she knew that she herself was to blame so she walked on with her chin in the air repeating to herself the uncomfortable formula that if he was too proud to ask for her sympathy she was too proud to offer it and as she so walked whom should she meet but lady alicia returning from her daily constitutional oh my dear miss burton exclaimed her lady ship as soon as she was within your shot how glad i am to meet you i've not seen you since our terrible catastrophe and it is so necessary to have someone with whom one can talk once troubles over some other woman i mean there's no comfort in talking over one's sorrows with a man no there isn't is there men either say that a trouble is no trouble at all or else that it is incurable just as if they see no medium between being able to walk 20 miles a day without turning a hair and being tied down to one's own back by a spine specialist exactly my dear child what a sweet and charming way you have of putting things it is when i'm in trouble that i so sorely regret i never had a daughter because if only i had had a daughter i could have talked over all my troubles with her and shown her how i've always been a martyr to other people's interests and she would have sympathized with me and blamed those who have brought so much sorrow and inconvenience upon me i think it takes half the sting out of trouble when you can lay the blame of it upon someone else don't you perhaps so and it certainly has to the sting of it when one realizes that it is all one's own fault oh i dare say it does but as none of my troubles were my own fault i've been spared that pang and that has always been so nice for me laurence never seemed to understand how his poor dear father spoiled my life and so he never blamed his father and sympathized with me as a dear sweet daughter would have done dear girl how i should have loved her and i am sure she would have been good looking because all my family are no moat could have borne the disgrace of having a plain daughter because we had done nothing to deserve it and it is so hard to bear troubles that you feel you do not deserve isn't it miss burton horrid agreed nancy and even worse if you feel as you do if a nasty thing happens to you which you don't deserve you have an idea that someday it will be made up to you like jove don't you know but if you deserve it you feel you are only paying your own bills and that is a most worrisome occupation yes dear child and now i want to talk to you about this sad shocking dreadful fire were you ever so surprised in your life is when you found dear bachsen dale burned down and so quickly too it was an awful thing to happen said nancy sympathetically but i don't think one can be altogether surprised when one recollects how inflammable all those old books and pictures and parchments must have been and how violent the wind was that night yes yes of course so very violent as you say and there is nothing that spreads the fire so quickly as wind just see what a pair of blow bellows will do when you think the drawing room fire has actually gone out and that you will have to ring for a servant to relight and it always annoys servants so to have to relight a fire in the middle of the day though i'm sure i don't know why it should but as you say dear child the fire at bachsen dale the very sad and shocking was what we might have expected lady a leash appeared to be much pleased by this opinion of nancy's and i really cannot see my people should be in such a state of curiosity as to how it began continued nancy the nearest accident which in a newer house on a less windy day would have had no effect at all and never would have been heard of or even known about would be quite enough in the circumstances to account for the whole thing of course it would my dear miss burton or may i call you nancy it is so nice and friendly to call people you really like by their christian names don't you think how very wise and sensible you are so much common sense is quite remarkable in such a young girl perhaps the fact that your father such a clever businessman has something to do with it as you say the fire at bachsen dale was not at all to be wondered at considering all the circumstances of the case it was in fact quite the natural consequence so do i think yes my dear and you are quite right and would you not mind mentioning this view of yours dear laurence just in casual conversation you know for i think so much real good is often done by casual conversation as it may not have struck him quite in the same light common sense is not his fort you see my dear anymore than it was the fort of his dear father but just to work from you to him upon the subject might do him a world of good it is always more or less of a tragedy when the time comes for a mother to influence her own son through the medium of another woman's newer and stronger power and especially when she does so openly it is the public acknowledgement of the queen regent that the term of office is over and that the queen regent has entered into her kingdom nancy understood the situation and recognized the pathos of it she was clear-sighted enough when not blinded by her own passions i'll say it to him if you wish lady alicia she replied very gently and if he gives me the opportunity but it is not always easy to speak to him about things that he doesn't want you to speak to him about you know laurence's mother sada yes dear miss burton nancy i should say how wise and far seeing you are and what quick perceptions you have i always think it is so nice for a young girl to have quick perceptions it keeps her from making such a lot of social mistakes even if she marries above her but in a matter like this i think one should make out little effort don't you know because it would be such a pity such a sad sad pity if dear laurence through any morbid sensitiveness as to how the fire arose were to have any scruples about accepting the insurance money the two women looked each other full in the face and the same fear was in the eyes of both namely that the long four conflagration had been all in vain it would be a great mistake too said nancy slowly because it would suggest to outsiders that there was something queer about the fire after all which of course there wasn't it was the most natural thing in the world yes yes most natural as anybody who gave five minutes consideration to the matter could see for themselves but laurence is like his poor dear father and is always longing for an occasion to sacrifice himself and all his family for the sake of some sentimental scruple it is very noble and good of him exclaimed nancy loyally but i don't know that it is always wise i'm not so sure about it's being either noble or good of course it is very beautiful and touching for men who are monks and hermits and anchorites and sweet weird things like that to sacrifice themselves for sentimental scruples because they have only themselves to consider and it will be so nice for them to have such a high place in heaven when they get there but i think that men with mothers and wives and people of that kind ought not to consider only themselves and their heavenly crowns they ought to have a little consideration for the women belonging to them uc poverty is much more inconvenient and sad for us than it is for men because if the worst comes to the worst they can wear one dress suit for two or three years and can take all their meals at the club for all her silliness lady alicia knew what strings to pull when she gave her mind to the pulling of strings nancy's mouth grew very firm not to say hard a woman is capable of being jealous of anything which a man puts before his love for her even if it be an abstract principle i don't think either that a man is justified in purchasing a heavenly crown and then sending the bill in to the women who have given up their lives to him she said and yet that is what the masculine saints of the earth are very fond of doing doubtless they reap their reward but it comes expensive on the women indeed it does my dear child not that i don't agree with laurence that it is all very nice and sweet to be good enough right if one can without interfering with other people too much but like everything else it can be carried too far it is admirable for people to be good at their own expense agree nancy but it is sometimes a little trying when they are good at yours and especially when although you have shared the cost with them they never have the slightest intention of letting you share the crown lady alicia sat again and it does seem to me such a pity quite wrong in fact not to get all the good one can out of one's misfortunes i remember dear shakespeare once said something about adversity being like a frog because there's always some good to be got out of everything if only one will look for it and i do agree with him if this sat affair of the fire can be turned into a blessing by everybody being made so much more happy and comfortable because of the insurance money i do think it would be really wicked of laurence not to avail himself of the silver lining which is hidden in the frog's head don't you not wicked lady alicia certainly not wicked mr. bachsen deal couldn't do anything that was wicked i'm sure but i think it would be very foolish and very misguided so do i dear child and after all we are sent into this world to turn our sorrows to good account aren't we so that it is flying in the face of providence not to let everything work for our good as far as we can i mustn't keep you any longer now but i know you will say something nice and convincing to laurence on this subject just in casual conversation won't you and with that her ladyship pressed nancy burton's hand and went on her way to popular farm whilst nancy walked on toward the hall her mind aflame with the desire to punish laurence for treating what she considered a ridiculous group will as of more importance than her future happiness yet only yesterday she had been possessed by an equally intense longing to fall at his feet and tell him that she worshiped him for setting his conception of honor and duty before every other earthly consideration all the way across the park she looked in vain for her bunch of keys and as she had failed to find them there she peered about the ruins with a wild hope that she might come across them among the debris as she was continuing her search of voice suddenly said pardon me miss burton but are you looking for anything in the fall of this house which was great is there any treasure of yours lying buried and looking up nancy found herself face to face with rufus web oh it is you mr. web good afternoon yes i'm looking for something namely a bunch of keys which i lost some days ago rufus put his hand in his pocket and drew out the missing bunch of these day yes these are mine cried nancy seizing them with a little shriek of thankfulness where did you find them i picked them up just outside the front door here the afternoon the day of the fire exactly eight hours before the judgment of god fell upon bachsendale hall end of chapter 14 chapter 15 a fuel of fire this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libra vox org fuel of fire by ellen thorny crawf fowler chapter 15 in the lanes i could not love the dear so very much loved i not honor more an admirable percept this but such make hearts of women soar even as lady alicia and miss burton had foretold so it turned out their worst fears were realized bachsendale took no steps whatever to obtain the insurance money to which he was legally entitled he was no hasty decision on his part he had many a mental struggle before he came to the conclusion that he could not take the money the temptation was indeed great could he only overcome his scruples his absurd scruples as the world would call them how easy would life be for him he would be enabled to place his mother in a position suited to her birth and thus free himself from the constant irritation of her complaints against men in general and her late husband and her living son in particular he would be able to repair the damage wrought by the fire to the hall and to live once again in his ancestral home best of all he would have a sufficient if a moderate income and could offer a home to the woman he loved ah how he loved her he never knew how much until he had convinced himself that honor bad him give her up yet for all this he felt that he could not take the money he was a man who might possibly in a fit of impulse commit a great crime but who would shrink from availing himself of any advantage pecuniary or otherwise which might result to himself and that he had committed a great crime the world in which he dwelt as expressed by the majority of its voices had no manner of doubt with the verdict of society laurance was fully acquainted naturally no one directly made such an accusation in his presence the law of libel is specially constructed to meet such cases few men care to face an action for defamation of character even if the unfortunate defendant wins his case which is a rare occurrence he is saddled with a lawyer's bill which no so-called costs even if wrong from the unsuccessful plaintiff will satisfy where for mr. bachsen dale had no direct accusation to face but he knew well enough the meaning of the shaking of heads the suggestive glances the innuendos the we could and if we would which prevailed wherever men and women congregated he had often professed the profoundest contempt for public opinion he looked down with scornful eyes on those men and women who play pitch and toss with the ninth commandment yet now the iron entered into his soul and all his philosophy was insufficient to enable him to be careless of public opinion he was sufficient indeed for outward show he held up his head bravely enough and even careful observers were unable to discover the pain he was too proud not to conceal he knew in his heart of hearts that his best friends were right when they counseled him that the surest way of crushing malicious gossip was to take the money and face the world with an unruffled brow this indeed he would have done but for a terrible doubt which he could not stifle it must not be supposed that lady alicia permitted her son to have his way in this matter without a struggle many a time and off she combatted his pride and strove manfully to overcome his scruples it was all in vain laurence listened with exemplary patience to the maternal homilies yet steadfastly declined to discuss the matter with her he was very sorry he would willingly do anything he could to give her the luxuries for which she pined but duty was duty and he could not oblige her in this matter but lady alicia's persistence was an additional trouble to bachsen dale her arguments that it was foretold that the hall should a third time be destroyed and that the person who set fire to it was one deserving of all credit as the instrument of an overruling providence hurt him more than he would admit as far as the world was concerned he might just as well have taken the money those who had overtly or covertly insinuated that he had set fire to the library for the sake of the insurance money now said that the insurance office declined to pay the money in so suspicious a case and that bachsen dale dare not prosecute his claim by legal proceedings for fear of having to submit to cross examination in the witness box as a matter of fact the insurance companies as was only natural had sent down one of their officials to inquire into the particulars of the fire and had privately informed bachsen dale that strange and mysterious as were the circumstances nothing had been discovered which would justify them in refusing to pay the money this fact was pretty well known among his friends but the pride which prevented him from claiming the money likewise forbade his publishing this intimation upon the house tops if he had done so it would hardly have made a difference there are some people so constituted that when engaged in that fascinating occupation of gossiping away another's character they are not so much unwilling as unable to pay heed to the clearest evidence those who acquitted bachsen dale were much exercised as to how the fire arose as there is no smoke without fire so it is unusual for there to be fire without hands to kindle the flame whose were the hands to this very natural question there seem to be no reasonable answer and if bachsen dale waited until a reasonable answer was forthcoming before claiming the money it seemed as if a considerable interval of patience was before him this idea seemed to strike the unfortunate man himself and after much self-commuting he decided that it was only fair to let nancy know the state of affairs he could not marry her so long as there was a cloud of suspicion hanging over him even if she were willing to share his modest income with a mother-in-law thrown in and as a dispersal of the said clouds was exceedingly problematical there seemed no course but a termination of their hopes having come to the conclusion it only remained to carry it into effect this was a hard task far harder than the resigning of a handsome fortune he was no coxcomb but he was well aware that he had won nancy's love that her heart was completely his how could he deliberately wound that dear heart how could he steal himself to deal that fatal blow when all the time his own heart was overflowing with love and tenderness he thought he had sufficient stoicism to bear any pain himself but it was another thing to inflict with his own hand misery and suffering upon the woman whom despite that torturing doubt which he could not stifle he still loved so dearly still horrible as was the situation it had to be faced cruel as was the deed it had to be done postponement he felt would make the task no lighter so he set out to call at wayside and bring matters to a climax as he walked along the lanes those lanes filled with memories once so dear but now so bitter he tried to find comfort in the thought that Nancy might possibly have fallen in with the current belief and might regard him as guilty that would make things easier for she would be ready nay anxious for an end to be put to their relation he told himself that Nancy was always ready to fall in with the latest opinion yet all the time he knew that he was doing her an injustice and that no amount of gossip would ever shake her belief in him again the hideous doubt arose in his own mind if that is so he muttered to himself she will know the truth about me and then he bitterly rebuked himself as unworthy for admitting a doubt which he knew Nancy was incapable of entertaining in his case then he wondered whether she would be at home whether he would find her alone he have hoped that he should discover the whole family assembled in order to have a reasonable excuse for a postponement do not we all know what a relief it is when circumstances render impossible the thing which we would not and yet know we ought to do yet he had a feverish desire to get this thing done at any cost as soon as possible this doubt was set at rest by his meeting Nancy herself a short distance from the gate leading into the fields at the back of wayside Nancy's heart began to beat loudly when she saw her lover coming toward her but she managed to assume a fine affectation of indifference is that really Mr. Baxendale she asked with a parent's surprise what can you be doing walking in the lanes on an afternoon are you sure that you are not a wraith like Jamie in old Robin Gray and that I oughtn't to be dreadfully frightened of you and wear my hair Allah the bristling porcupine in consequence everyone says you have determined to become saintly hermit on account of your lordly disdain for the unworthy persons who inhabit these regions I must say there seems some foundation for these rumors where we haven't seen you at wayside for a month of Sundays Nancy rattled on in this fashion in order to conceal her own agitation at the site of Baxendale she had jumped to the conclusion that her belief in her power over him was now about to be justified he had tried to keep away from her and failed now he was coming to tell her so and to make it up wherefore it became absolutely necessary to postpone the making up as long as possible and nothing was more calculated to affect this desirable result than an affectation of flippancy but Lawrence though as a rule he had not shown himself backward in playing the game on this occasion proved to be unaccountably remiss the old Lawrence with his stiffness and shyness seemed as by magic restored I am afraid you are right he said I must have seemed sadly negligent of social duties don't be silly Lawrence cried Nancy fancy talking of social duties what I want to know is why haven't you been to see me do you call me a social duty I haven't been to see you because it would have been painful to us both said Baxendale thinking that he had never seen Nancy look so pretty as she did now however I was intending to call this afternoon indeed I am now on my way mother will be very pleased to see you replied Nancy thinking that Lawrence had never looked so stiff and unapproachable we better go in at once you will have some difficulty in making your peace I can tell you no don't let us go in I will call on Mrs Burton another day it is you I want to see thank you for the compliment said Nancy with a little curtsy after your behavior lately you don't deserve it still I don't mind going for a walk with you if you like in what direction will you turn gentle hermit of the dale let us go to Baxendale I wish to speak to you about the fire Nancy assented silently and they set off in the direction of the hall for some minutes neither of them spoke Baxendale was too full of what he had to say moreover he dreaded beginning Nancy for her part was not particularly pleased with Lawrence for his silence and his stiffness he did not seem she thought in a particular hurry to begin the process of making it up however it was not her nature to keep silence for long therefore she soon began to speak so people are right when they say you propose becoming a hermit are they she asked I am sorry because I don't like hermits they are generally so dirty and disagreeable Lawrence answered her question with another do you believe everything that people say of me Nancy it is only right for a properly brought up young woman to believe what people say isn't it she asked with a swift glance from her blue eyes she was rather frightened at the sight of Baxendale's face I'm not justing said Baxendale you must have heard the common talk that I set fire to my own house in order to secure the insurance money yes of course I've heard all that remark Nancy cheerfully Lawrence's heart sank at the tone of her voice he thought that she believed him guilty and that she was glad so to think he had only been hoping that she would think him guilty but it was to be accompanied with a proper repulsion from one who could commit such a crime yet she seemed rather to be rejoicing at iniquity so you believe this report he said at last with the touch of resentment in his voice believe it you silly boy you don't suppose that I could ever think that you would do such a thing do you where you are far too proper a person to do anything so sensible you would have scruples and conscientious objections and searchings of heart at the bare idea oh no mr. Baxendale I know you far too well for that and Nancy's sugarhead with the most profound conviction then you don't think I did it persisted Baxendale with an eagerness he could not conceal I know you did not do it replied Nancy emphatically you know I did not do it Nancy nodded with renewed emphasis but how can you be so certain unless indeed you know the real culprit but that is impossible Baxendale could not help the last sentence becoming a question instead of a statement if you are so silly as not to be able to guess how I know I'm not going to tell you replied Nancy for the second time that afternoon Lawrence's heart sank it was true then his horrible suspicion no he would not go so far as that yet it looked as if it might be true it does not matter a straw to me went on Nancy what stupid people say but isn't it lovely that the old curse is fulfilled at last now you will have a good income and all your money troubles will be over and miss Burton stopped as it seemed to her only reasonable that her lover should finish the sentence but this expectation like many other reasonable expectations was not fulfilled that is just what I want to speak to you about began Lawrence and then he paused Nancy looked at him but made no effort to help him on to tell the truth she was by no means satisfied but what she saw in his face love there was in passion too but the passion was kept in restraint there was the love of the kind which casted out fear something of this she saw but she did not know what it cost him to refrain from clasping her in his arms and defying the world yet he did it more than that he spoke calmly almost coldly you know that I love you don't you Nancy I thought so once replied the girl peaked by his tone but you are behaving so clearly that I shall soon begin to have my doubts what do you mean it is very evident what I mean a month ago you not only professed to love me but you seemed eager to see me as often as you possibly could and appeared glad when you did see me ever since the fire you have avoided me as if I instead of the hall it had scarlet fever and now we have met you behave as if I were a mad dog or a poor relation so persistently do you keep me at a distance a month ago you told me that in all your joys and in all your troubles you would come to me for sympathy since the fire every joy and every trouble has driven you at least five miles in an opposite direction Nancy was fast coming to the conclusion that her original idea as to Bax and Dale's intention was erroneous as a natural consequence or temper was sorely tried why don't you answer she cried with a stamp of her foot have you lost your tongue as they say to children I hesitate to speak said Lawrence gently because I know that what I have to say will pain me and I fear it will also pain you in that case the sooner you speak the better when one visits the dentist one doesn't care for much time to be spent in the jury waiting room furnished with passe magazines Nancy I hate to say it yet I must know other courses possible I love you my darling I love you and yet we must never see each other again never see each other again how can you be so ridiculous Lawrence this is really absurd you say you love me and I've told you that I love you what is to prevent our seeing each other and being happy ever afterward as they are in fairy tales they were now in Bax and Dale Park slowly walking toward the ruins Lawrence pointed to the hall as he said the reason is there the old curse has come true and the blow falls upon me I cannot in honor marry you it seems to me that it is quite the other way you have won my love and I should say you were bound in honor to marry me as for the curse it is really a blessing you might have had scruples about marrying me before but the fire has provided you with an adequate income no it has not muttered Lawrence gloomily you seem to have exalted ideas as to adequacy anyway the interest on a hundred thousand pounds is good enough for me so don't be silly there's a deer and compel me to say that the fire at Bax and Dale has cooked my goose for me you are a goose you know and mine but I'll take you uncooked if you don't mind Nancy cannot you understand that I am unable to claim the insurance money most certainly I cannot I never heard anything more ridiculous what are insurance companies for except to make it worth people's while to die or marry or be burned to death they made no difficulty about taking your money as long as there was no fire and now that there has been a fire it is your turn to take their money I don't see why as the Irishman said the reciprocity should be all on one side but people say it was no accident what does it matter what people say as long as they don't speak the truth and that they hardly ever do if they are women which the majority of people are in England according to the last census worse luck but how can I take this money when it is said that I set my own house on fire in order to get it but you didn't reply Nancy and as a matter of fact you're declining to take the money will be regarded as a proof that you did just as conscientious scruples against supporting any non-conforming charity proves that people were brought up as thorough paste dissenters and asking innocent questions about the habits of the middle class proves that the anxious inquires were born and bred in Tottenham Court Road nobody apparently knows so little about a thing as those who really know too much I can't do it Nancy I can't do it cried Lawrence don't ask me to do it it's hard enough as it is to do what I know to be right I suppose you think it very fine to sacrifice your own interests for the good of the company that is all very well but you have no right to sacrifice me on the altar of your absurd scruples I never set myself up as being an ifogeniah or a Japha's daughter up to date Baxendale made no reply they were now standing close by the hall looking at the ravages made by the fire for a few minutes neither of them spoke then Baxendale felt the soft hand steel gently into his own Lawrence darling whisper Nancy you don't mean what you say tell me it is all a mistake just think of what it means to me oh my love why can't we be happy together now that the obstacle to your poverty has been removed not that it was ever an obstacle to me poverty always seems to me a nice cheerful picnicky sort of thing with a man one really likes but you made a silly fuss about it while it was here and you seem to make a still sillier fuss about it now that it has disappeared don't tempt me sweetheart don't tempt me surely you were an earnest when you told me you love me better than anything on earth you know I meant it Nancy oh my darling don't make it harder for me than it is I love you better than life itself but it is a question of honor I cannot let you marry me so long a suspicion rests upon me nor can I take the money Nancy turned to her lover with a look he had never before seen in her blue eyes love and pride offended dignity and spurned affection mingled there with a misery that cut him like a knife then you prefer your scruples to me having won my heart you weigh it in the balance with your conscience and find that the latter is by far the heavier and more valuable commodity of the two then you scribble mini deco all over my heart and pitch it out of the window as being lightweight but you hug your own conscience and an ecstasy of appreciation murmuring to yourself what a good boy am I as for what becomes of my rejected heart whether some of the man picks it up or whether it is trampled to death in the dust is a matter of no more moment to you than it is to the man in the moon you have your own dear large honorable super fine extra weight conscience in his place and that is enough for you laurence could only say you do not understand me now someday you will then all is over between us laurence literally could not speak he could only bow in silent misery Nancy drew herself up and with a scornful goodbye Mr. Baxendale turned away Baxendale for a few seconds stood rooted to the spot and all his love rushed over him with overwhelming force and he felt he could not let her go Nancy he cried as he started to follow her but she shook her head and walked proudly on end of chapter 15 chapter 16 of fuel of fire this is a leber box recording all leber box recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit leber box.org fuel of fire by Ellen Thorny quafffowler chapter 16 Mrs. Candy's opinion some actions which could never have been meant are brought about by pure as accident thus it came to pass that Nancy Burton had to break off the threat of her life and begin all over again minus the principal element a task the stupendous difficulty of which is not understood saved by those who have tried it in person laurence Baxendale had so completely permeated all her thoughts words and works that it seemed well not impossible to eliminate him from every hour of the day and from every event of life including the most trivial and the most sublime the beauties of art and literature and nature owed half their raison d'etre in Nancy's philosophy to the fact that she loved laurence the passing irritations of the trivial round and the common task lost half their sting in the consciousness that laurence loved her and now she had to face a world where there was no longer as far as she was concerned a laurence to add glamour and intensity to her soul's most exalted moments to relieve the weariness of its most uninteresting duties the prospect of the dreary path which lay before her was almost more than she could face with equanimity yet it had to be born and born with a brave front as Nancy was the type of woman to whom pity was an insult her only comfort in the matter was that her engagement with laurence had never been made public had not been so much an actual engagement as an arrangement between their two selves that they would become engaged at some future time if fortune favored them so that she had to suffer none of the unpleasantness attendant upon an openly broken off engagement this she felt she really could not have endured of course all the world knew that mr. backsandale miss Burton had walked out together and kept company so to speak but a laxity is allowed to mere company keepers and walkers together which is not permitted to those whose betrothal has been advertised by letters of congratulation and a diamond ring the former bond can be broken at the will of the party's concerned for no better reason than that they are tired of it and want to change at least their world would be satisfied with this but an actual jilting must be justified by a difference over the settlements or the discovery of some disgraceful family secret or else all the gossips of the neighborhood will know the reason why mrs. Burton was very good to her daughter just then she showed her no open sympathy she knew Nancy too well for that but in a thousand little ways too trivial to be described she comforted Nancy as only a mother can comfort nor two was kind to her sister but her own love affair with mr. about not was just then proceeding along such smooth and pleasant lines that Nancy's sore heart was inclined to be rested under Nora's tenderest touch and then nor agreed with Nancy in blaming Lawrence the only people who can really help us when we are in great trouble are those who have suffered more than we are suffering and those who love us better than we love ourselves and although faith fair facts could not lay claim to the latter qualification as far as Nancy was concerned she could to the former and so Nancy found a certain consolation in faith society just then she knew that faith had loved Lawrence and had loved him in vain therefore she recognized that faith's burden was a heavier one than hers for however desolate the rest of her existence was doomed to be she had once lain in Lawrence's arms and had felt his kisses on her face and nothing could ever rob her of the bitter sweetness of that memory the woman who has never been in love has no power to help the woman whose love is a sorrow to her the woman who has found nothing but happiness in love has even less for they both of them live in a different atmosphere and move along a different plane from their less fortunate system the former talks a language foreign to her the latter though acquainted with the same languages read in a widely diverse lore therefore she and they have but little in common but faith knew what it was to be in love knew even what it was to be in love with Lawrence Baxendale and therefore Nancy called it Ways Hall far offener than was absolutely necessary for the mere maintaining of neighborly relations finally most important of all faith did not agree with Nancy in the latter's condemnation of Lawrence's refusal to accept the insurance money while we are as yet young and inexperienced which comes to the same thing when a woman confides in us her grievance against the man of her choice our natural inclination should we desire to please the woman is to take her part against him and to tell her so but as we grow older and learn better to know our world we do nothing of the kind we understand that to tell her that she is right and that he is wrong and that we unanimously second all her votes of censure upon him is to make her our enemy for life well to put it plainly before her what a fool she is compared with him and how utterly he is in the right and she is in the wrong with regard to the matter and dispute is to earn her undying friendship it may be taken as an axiom that a woman is never more bitter toward anyone than towards those well-meaning but misguided persons who take her part against her lover therefore the more Nancy worked herself up into a state of righteous indignation with Lawrence for throwing away his happiness and her own for the sake of a to her absurd scruple the more did she love faith for defending the course he had elected to pursue and the more which really was unjust and unjustifiable did she blame Lady Alicia and Nora for taking exactly the same view of the matter as she took herself I can approve of people who sacrifice their lives for a principle she said to Faith when the two girls were discussing as all Mercer was discussing Lawrence's action with reference to the insurance money but I really haven't patience with those who sacrifice everything for a mere scruple such as Lawrence Baxendale have you somehow he is different from other people one cannot judge him by the same standards and he seems to elevate a scruple into principle but don't you think it is stupid of him to choose to go on being poor when he might now be rich persisted Nancy no I can't say that I do I think it is simply splendid of him to sacrifice everything in the way he is doing to what he considers right but the world in general doesn't consider that it is right it condemns him as absurdly quixotic of course I should admire his action as much as you do if it were actual wrongdoing that he was so firmly set against and if he deliberately chose poverty rather than dishonor but it isn't he is sacrificing himself and his mother for the sake of a sentimental scruple which everybody except himself thinks is ridiculous as well as sentimental that I think is where he is behaving so nobly if all the world agreed with him that the only alternative to poverty was something wrong or dishonorable he would have no choice in the matter any man would prefer poverty to what other men condemned as dishonorable and despised accordingly but to be poor rather than do what he himself considers dishonorable although nobody else agrees with him that it is so seems to me a splendid sort of thing and just what anyone who knows Lawrence would expect of him faith certainly took a higher and more ideal view of the matter than did Nancy but then faith's life had not been included in Lawrence's holocaust and Nancy's hand which makes all the difference in an abstract discussion on sacrifice as a fine art let us look in and see Mrs. Candy suggested Nancy as the two girls had by that time reached the cottage where that worthy matron was for the president pitching her moving tent she and her husband had incontinently fled from their holiday as soon as the news reached them of the catastrophe at Baxendale and Lawrence had felt himself bound to provide them with a cottage at once and removed there too all their lorries and ponates which fortunately having been upon the ground floor were practically none the worse for the fire a vacant keepers lodge at one of the park gates exactly suited them and their good Mrs. Candy took up her abode and discussed with every passerby the accident which had driven her and her husband out of their former home yes dear agreed faith she is always delightful company so the girls entered a little garden gate and found Mrs. Candy shelling peas in the porch well it do seem good of you young ladies to come and see me remark the good woman when the customary greetings had been exchanged and her guests have found themselves fairly comfortable resting places upon two upturned flower pots for what with the fire and our holiday and the trains and all we've been through in the last fort knit i've got such a lot to say that i don't know how to keep it in i don't and yet there's nobody to say it to when candy goes to his work and it's sorry work it is to keep your words back when you are fairly burst in with them i know that feeling mrs candy said Nancy but faith kept silence because she did not know it it do seem an upset to come back after such a pleasant holiday time as me and candy has just had and if i know home to come to continued mrs candy i haven't felt so upset as i did when mr bachsendale wrote with his own hand to tell us that the hall was burned down no not since all the red currents fermented in the preserving pot three summers ago and had to be given to the pigs as stood up making jelly for the gentry roundabouts i was put out that time and no mistake candy i says i've treated the red currents this year the same as i've always treated them and yet they never before turned again me in this way then what's the reason of it i wants to know i says mrs says he there's some reason you may be sure of that or such a thing never would have come to pass oh he's a wise man his candy there ain't much in the world as puzzles him i knew you'd be immensely surprised to hear of such a catastrophe exclaimed Nancy as we all were she added as afterthought i was indeed miss when the latter came we was having tea with my sister who was housekeeper up with kromer hall and would you believe it there was sandwiches for tea made out of hard-boiled eggs will says i when i see them i thought as i've been everywhere and see to everything i says but sang which is made out of eggs is news to me and before i'd done being astonished at the sang which is the letter came bringing word as backs and dale hall was burned down you see the postman knew we was having tea with my sister and knowing as a letter generally meant bad news he thought it best to bring it on to us that honest and then on the top of them egg sang which is comes the downfall oh backs and dale not feels how true it is as wonders never sees i'm sure you grieve as we all do that such a blow should fall on your master said faith mrs candy placed a hand on either knee and looked miss fairfax full in the face while miss i went deceive you it wouldn't be right and i won't do it when we'd read mr backsdale's letter candy says to me he says lizzy this will be a blow for the master and no mistake but i shakes my head candy i says there's good to be got out of everything as we can all learn from nettle t and it's my opinion says i've that problem says taking this opportunity or getting the better of old mr backs and dale's will that's what i says nancy looked up quickly and you were quite right mrs candy so candy said lizzy says he i doubt but there's something in what you say i'll be bound there is says i do you suppose as folks are going to be allowed to make them foolish wheels like the present master's grandfather did and that providence ain't going to be even will not they and that is just what i should have expected of providence seeing that the master's grandfather was such a fool begging his pardon that he found the present mr backs and dale to pay goodness knows what every year to keep a lot of rubbish from being burned as any sensible man could see wasn't worth the burning that's what i said and what i thought and to my mind providence has behaved very sensibly in the matter seeing that there'd be no peace and no plenty for nobody as long as them rubbish your books was above ground you never did approve of the backs and dale library i remember said faith with a smile no more i did miss and why should i seeing that it cost such a lot to them as could ill afford it and brought no good to nobody you see miss candy don't hold with books doesn't candy and it seemed to me as if providence was a candy's opinion seen as how all that old rubbish the heap was burned up in the night as you may say if providence had had any patient we owed mr backs and dale nonsense that their library had never had been burned you may take my word for that said mrs candy giving good reason for the hope that was in her nancy nodded yes yes mrs candy there's something in that after all the things ought not to happen they would not be allowed to happen her logic was consolatory if unsound yes miss that's what me and candy thinks and we can't hold with mr larnes going again problem says you may say you're not taken all that money as is is right and is due in which was providence is making up to him for all that rubbish in his grandfather's will fave threw herself up very hardly surely mr backs and dale has a right to take what he considers the honorable course without consulting the whole neighborhood not he missed we can none of us do without taking the advice of our neighbors and it's a wonderful help sometimes here and what they say of us though we may enjoy it at the time now he's got a regular b in his bonnet mr backs and dale has and the son or folks can teach him to take it out of the the better for him he should just hear what candy says it is behavior that would open his eyes that would Nancy laugh ruefully I'm afraid I agree with Andy you see miss there's nothing so troublesome as many folks get worried and about what's right and what's wrong let him do what's right candy says and think no more about it and he's a wonderful knowledgeable man is candy but always thinking about one's duty and dwelling upon it is more than anybody can stand and that's the bad habit as mr backs and dale has got into as his poor father did a for him yes it is a pity of course to grow morbid upon the subject of one's duty said faith so it be miss so it be and when once you get doubting about things there's no more rest for nobody neither for yourself nor for them that lives with you I remember miss try foes Phillipson as I lived with the four I was married she was an old mate and one of the where it's in the sort and when I live with her she'd wake me up in the night and say Lizzie I doubt if the front doors locked will you just run down to make sure so off I had to go in the cold then no sooner was I saved back in bed and does not then she'd begin again Lizzie I don't remember if we doubted the candles in the drawing room will you just round down and make sure and off I had to go again and that's how folk get who are full of conscience and scruples and things of that sort a trouble to their selves and worse than a trouble to them as lives will still a sense of duty is a fine thing and so is a tender conscience I'd rather have a conscience that was too tender than one that was too tough may be Miss Fairfax may be but handy don't hold me folks as make a god of their conscience candy don't I remember on Smith's to our booth not preach discernment about a saint I forget his right name but I know he were a saint we spent all his life by the top of a pillar just for the sake of his conscience and candy was that said again him as never was he said candy did that if folks was meant to live at the top of pillows and posts they'd have been made to grow up them like hops and kidney beans they didn't hold with such jack and the beans talk ways didn't candy Simon Stylites was the name of the saint said faith with a smile and Mr. Baxendale was made on the same last added Nancy so he was miss Burton so he was you never spoke a truer word but I make bold to say that there saint didn't stick his lady mother on the top of the pillar alongside of him because there wouldn't have been room for her and yet that's what Mr. Baxendale does with her lady she begging his pardon again the proud look crept over a face aristocratic face but Nancy said bitterly yes it's dull for women at the tops of pillars Mrs. Candy so it be miss so it be the most particular for a lady brought up as Lady Alicia was I remember when she was living at the hall I do an old Mr. Baxendale's time Mr. Lawrence's father that is to say and he worshipped the very ground she tried on and thought nothing too good for her which it wasn't considered on what a pretty face she had in those days and a figure like a willow wand she must have been very handsome Nancy exclaimed she was miss a perfect picture and a sight hansomer than all the old pictures at the hall which Mr. Baxendale's grandfather set such store by she was one of the sort has seemed made to be waited on bless her she hasn't had much waiting on in late years poor lady said faith with a sigh no more she has miss and it don't seem becoming somehow I shall never forget the time I saw her come into the kitchen at popular farm to give an order herself instead of ringing the bell for the footman to take it as she used to do up at the hall I remember hans when I was in service to give me such a turn as never was when I see the kitchen made mix the mustard in one of the room teacups you must always use a kitchen teacup for mixing the mustard in you careless hussy I says and never let me see you speak disrespectfully of one of the room teacups again and they give me just another turn when I see her ladyship come into the kitchen at popular farm yes life has been hard for Lady Alicia faith agree so it has missed and therefore I hold it is Mr. Lawrence's bound in duty to spend all that their insurance money and making his poor mother comfortable in her old age instead of sitting all by himself on up on top of a pillar as you may say I don't deny as conscience is an invention of providence and should be respected as such the candy says me Lizzie he says the same problems as invented Mr. Lawrence's conscience invented the fifth commandment and it ain't honor in the fifth commandment to keep a lady other that quality in a farm house without so much as a single-handed footman to answer the bell that's what candy said and he's one to stick to what he said is candy I wonder how the house did catch fire after all and whether the mystery ever will be cleared up said faith dreamily well miss he's got his idea on that matter has candy and so have I begging your pardons Nancy looked up her face alive with interest let us hear your explanation of the matter Mrs. Candy she begged Mrs. Candy nothing loath replied well miss it ain't for poor folks like candy me to set our opinion above the gentry for what we think we says and what we says we sticks to now I'll we deceive you by saying as I believe Mr. Baxendale burned down his own house on purpose as some folks say he did but they aren't them as knows him I should think not faith exclaimed under her breath but I think as he did it himself all the same though he's no more knowledge of it than the babe unborn what do you mean asked Nancy well miss I think is Mr. Baxendale burned down the hall his self but he did it by accident first nobody but his self could have done it when me and Candy was away because nobody but his self had the keys he had two sets of his own and I give up our set to him before I went away and all the folks say as the hall was set apart from the inside of the library then he's too fond of smoke and is Mr. Lawrence sadly too fond why men should make a jimbly out of their mouths is more than I can say but Mr. Lawrence is terrible fond of doing it and many a time he's give me a frightful fear the sparks and matches should get among them rubbish old books while he'd light his pipe up at the hall and throw the match away and laugh at me when I said it was enough to burn the house down over our heads you needn't be a fear to me Mrs. Candy he'd say as pert as pert if you are as careful as me says he the hall won't be burned down again in our time as if any man even candy himself could be as careful as a woman but poor Mr. Lawrence being but a single man didn't know no better Nancy's face was positively pale with excitement then you really believe that that is the explanation of the fire Mrs. Candy I do miss not a doubt on it as soon as we heard on it Candy says to me Lizzie says he marked my words this comes of the master being so fond of smoking and lighting his pipe all over the place you don't smoke his self candy don't I make no doubt he says as he's lighted his pipe onst too often in that rubbish the old library you see miss he threw the match away as he was so fond of doing and go away lock up the house and forget all about it and the match with smoldering smoldered till it got to them rubbish your books and then the whole place would be in a blaze like one o'clock and nobody could put it out again particularly as the wind happened to be so high that night which made it burn all the quicker but faith laughed this suggestion to scorn what an absurd idea Mrs. Candy as if Mr. Bax and it would be so careless as to burn down his own house you aren't married miss begging your pardon and so you don't know how careless men can be even the best of them why even candy his self will leave his boot drying at the fire till the toes is burned out unless I happen to be handy to take them away as soon as they begin to smell but he'd never notice it bless you not till the smell of burnt leather had got on your stomach till it was enough to bring the house down that's a man all over and Mrs. Candy fairly bright over cried at the extreme virility of her lord and master faith was silent and smiled the smile of the unconvinced but what puts me out the gearless matron continued is that it was all my fault if I had been content to stay at home and not got wear a tin over our grave and Sarah Maria's twins Bax and Dale Hall would never have been burned candy would have seen to that don't go telling me as the hall would ever had caught fire if candy had been here to look after it because it wouldn't but that comes a caring too much for this body and for other folks babies which are made to be cut down like grass you see candy never bashed himself about the grave nor the twins and why should he seen as they was neither of them his flesh and blood but they were yours suggested faith and you and he are one Mrs. Candy shook her head decidedly now Mr. Fx when you've got a husband are your own don't you go believe enough rubbish as to his relations being the same as yours or tell the way around because they ain't why things that would only make him have a merry laugh if his relations didn't were fairly turn his stomach if they was done by yours and it'll be the same with you I remember when my sister Kerry was a bit flirty I thought it a rare bit of fun but when candy's sister Jenny carried on without a young man she fairly turned me sick the forward Hussey I never did get on with Jenny her tongue was too sharp for my taste now never could have bear a sharp tongue then wasn't Kerry's tongue ever sharp asked Nancy slyly oh Kerry was different her tongue was a bit sharp sometimes I don't deny now and then she'd be as purred as purred and haven't answered for anybody but somehow she didn't rile you as Jenny did when Kerry laughed at you she just said you a laugh and yet yourself but when Jenny laughed at you oh my she just made you all a dog to slap her she was always getting the better you Jenny was I remember when my children died in hers lived she was that Lord knit over me as never was as if anybody would want children to live as they got noses like denny's children and such bad behavior true just like their mother no I won't deceive you there never was anything genteel about Jenny nor never will be no not if she lives to be a hundred there was a moment's pause while Mrs. Candy's mind reveled in the memory of the unsatisfactory manners and profiles of her sister-in-law's offspring the less soothing thoughts intervened and she went on more seriously no young ladies I shall never cease to blame myself for having been the cause of the hall being burned down if I'd stopped at home as candy wanted to it would never have come to pass so let it be a lesson to you if ever you get husbands of your own to do what they want you whether you see the sense of it or not the prayer book tells us as we are to obey our husbands and then as wrote the prayer book knew what they was talking about unless I'm much mistaken and if I had given heed to candy's words instead of to my own sinful heart coupled with the grave and Sarah Maria's twins backs and Dale Hall would have been standing on its own legs to this blessed day and Mrs. Candy looked round her with the dignified despair of one who has sinned greatly and has been greatly punished in the chapter 16 chapter 17 fuel of fire this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org fuel of fire by Ellen Thorny croft baller chapter 17 vain oblations to God's both false and true I'll humbly pray if only they will give me my own way great was the interest felt and expressed round deadly when the vicar's engagement to Nora Burton was announced which announcement occurred about three weeks after the burning of backs and Dale and for a time through that catastrophe into the shade it is strange how the fact that a man loves a woman at once raises that woman in the estimation of her fellows one might naturally suppose that women would reserve their admiration and affection for the woman who is unloved by man and therefore has time to exhaust and gratitude to expend upon the less intoxicating brand of devotion supplied by the weaker vessels but not they as a rule women waste their affection upon the woman who has won a man's and therefore does not thank them for it and reserve but little for those lonely your sisters who are being shut out from the feast gladly accept such crumbs as fall from the tables of the more blessed among women therefore her world spoke well just then of nor because she was so happy in the acknowledged love of mr. Arbeth not as to be independent of and indifferent to its approval at the same time it turned a somewhat tepid shoulder toward faith fair facts because for the second time a man obviously for ordained for her had slipped through her fingers and gone openly over to the Burton's camp leaving faith in need of friendship and sympathy to supply in some measure the place of the deeper happiness which fate had so sternly denied to her in a measure to the same world shook its head over Nancy's affairs it was kinder to her than to faith because she had obviously turned the man's head but apparently she had not secured his heart and so though superior to faith in the esteem of a world which judges effort entirely by result and endeavor entirely by success she was distinctly inferior to Nora and was treated accordingly faith was utterly unconscious of the judgment and condemnation which her world had passed upon her and had she known of it would have been profoundly indifferent but not so Nancy she knew to her hair's breadth how much nor now outweighed her in society's balance and she raged in her heart against Lawrence accordingly as a rule sisters are alike in physical and mental attributes and different in the deeper matters of character and disposition which difference is not generally perceptible until they leave the garden paths which they have trodden together and go out either into the valley of humiliation or on to the delectable mountains whichever the case may be by falling in love up to now Nancy and Nora had been regarded as convertible terms in fact they had so regarded themselves but at last they had come to the parting of the ways Nora who had hitherto been the spoiled and wayward one was so softened and elevated by her lover's influence upon her that her character mellowed and sweetened day by day but poor Nancy who had always been regarded as the embodiment of easygoing good nature was fighting such a battle and kicking so violently against the pricks that her scars could not help being more or less perceptible she was very angry with Lawrence for so persistently putting his own scruples before her happiness and she was all the more angry in that she did not in the least understand the motives that guided him that the very depth and purity of his love for her made it all the more impossible to him to gain her by any save the highest means was simply incomprehensible to her she had no idea that had he idealized her less it would have been easier for him to subordinate to some extent his conscience in the winning of her she was also angry with him for having so utterly transformed her character for having taken away the light-hearted irresponsible Nancy of old and put this passionate tempest-tossed creature in her place love like genius is not an integral part of character it is a gift an inspiration direct from heaven sometimes it is in harmony with the natural man or woman to whom it is sent sometimes it is in direct opposition to each one of his or her inborn characteristics yet nonetheless is it of God and so must in the end prevail one afternoon not long after the announcement of her engagement as Nora was starting for even song Nancy joined her I'll walk with you as far as tightly the latter said there are so many things I want to talk to you about but when a girl has a lover her own family gets crowded out somehow I don't want my own people to get crowded out man I think it is horde of a girl not to find room in her heart for the old interests as well as the new ones I want to have a talk with you about myself all right I'm listening said Nora who had learned the when a girl says she wants to talk about herself it means she wants to talk about her lover I'm afraid you are worrying over Lawrence Baxendale and his stupidity I am and that's a fact he really is very trying he is Nancy and the sisters side in sympathy you are in luck to be properly engaged to a man without a conscience but this was more than nor could stand oh Nancy what a story Michael has got a splendid conscience and one in capital working order to clergyman always had oh yes I know that I didn't intend to say anything disrespectful about Michael in fact I meant it as a compliment but you don't know what it is to be in love with a man who is everlastingly arranging a sort of spiritual steeple chase for his conscience and making the jump so high that it bucks at every one yes that must be tiresome it is most awfully tiresome I have the greatest respect for the 10 commandments and that 39 articles and old-fashioned things like that but I really can't get up any reverence for a lot of homemade commandments and amateur articles of faith and fancy work of that kind and it's no use pretending that I can poor old Nancy and you really are in love with Lawrence are you yes that's the nuisance if I wasn't I should just laugh at him and his scruples and think of something else but I can't though I've tried my hardest however hard I try to forget him he just gets into everything and flavors everything like the taste of turnips and a snowy winter and there is no getting away from him I can't think why he doesn't quietly take the insurance money and marry on it and live happy ever after said nor no more can anybody else it is rank lunacy on his part still I suppose a man has the right to sacrifice himself to his own conscience if he wants to but he hasn't the right to sacrifice a woman as well that's my point if Lawrence hadn't made me love him he could have played saint simon style lights to his heart's content but a man has no right to sit alone on the top of a pillar all the weekend on a style with a young woman on his sundays out the two roles aren't compatible he can go in for the style or the pillar whichever he prefers but he can't have both I wonder if you really would be happy with Lawrence backs and dale said nor thoughtfully I don't know that but I do know one thing and that is that I shall always be miserable without him oh dear oh dear I wish he'd never made me love him I used to be so happy in the old days when love was a game instead of a martyrdom and games are much more in your mind than martyrdoms of course they are now some women such as faith for instance really relish a martyrdom and get the full flavor out of it but it is as much thrown away upon me as this caviar on the general I'm not sure that you would be happy if you were married persisted nor you might find it rather dull you are so fond of change and variety and excitement is as fair effect says that marriage is a luxury to a rich woman but a necessity to a poor one it is certainly not a necessity to you and I expect if you were to marry Lawrence you'd say afterward that you would have had a jolly your time if you had married somebody else poo that's nothing it wouldn't mean I wasn't happy if I did say that did you ever in your life know a day's shooting however good that wouldn't have been better if the birds had done something or the dogs had done something else men invariably tell you that after the most enormous bag but it doesn't mean they haven't enjoyed themselves bless you it's part of the game you can't deny that Lawrence has been very wearing Nancy those conscientious over as groupie-less men always are nevertheless the merge Nancy a certain amount of conscience is a comfort in a husband I mean not of course in oneself I can't help feeding that in the medium stage after husband had ceased to be a treat and before he began to be a habit it would be nice to regard him in the light of a religious service it would make one feel so good and happy like singing hymns on a Sunday evening it does it is a most lovely feeling I can assure you and you'll have it all your life that's just your luck and poor Nancy looked with envy at her more fortunate sister yet you used to be quite as lucky as me I know that is the funny part of it I believe that I'm falling in love with Lawrence I resigned my good luck and took the ill luck of the backs and dales instead they've been renowned as an unlucky family you know ever since the old witch pronounced the curse on backs and dale hall and you wish that you had never fallen in love with him then sometimes I do and sometimes I feel glad that I've given up everything for him even my good luck I believe you were happier when you and Lawrence were only friends and not lovers said nor no I wasn't I dare say I should have been if he had let me but he was troublesome even then he was always constrained and queer because he was so poor as if there were a duty on friendship as there is on tobacco but how did his poverty interfere with his being friends oh I don't know he was in love all the time I suppose and was afraid of it showing and of course it showed in the end those overscrupulous people always do the thing that they have sacrificed themselves in avoiding but not till it is too late to be of any use Nancy groaned that's Lawrence all over when we were friends he was always trying not to be lovers and now we are lovers he is always trying not to be friends he is wearing me to a thread oh I wish I could induce him to see the matter in a sensible light and let us both be happy on the income of the insurance money here we are at the church turning I suppose you're going on to Silverhampton no I'm not I'm coming to church with you Nora opened her pretty blue eyes wide in astonishment Nancy was not much of a churchgoer as a rule except on Sundays coming to church with me yes when I have set my heart on having anything I leave no stone unturned in trying to get my own way replied Nancy with praiseworthy fixity of purpose though lamentable ignorance of theology and the two sisters entered the church together when even song was over Nancy paid some calls intently while nor and her lover walked back to wayside together as they walked they talked to their love for each other isn't it difficult to believe said nor that you and I can ever leave off loving each other even after we are dead not difficult my child but impossible for love carries in himself the proofs of his own immortality none who have truly and deeply loved can doubt that their own are theirs forever for there is something in the very essence of love which defies death and brings immortality to light you mean that when we really love another person we feel that our love is stronger than death it was noteworthy that while Lawrence Baxendale devoted himself to the interpretation of Nancy nor spent her time in interpreting the thoughts of Michael Arbuth not we know that it is from its own internal evidence quite apart from any divine revelation roughly speaking I should say that those men and women who doubt their own immortality have never experienced deep and passionate devotion they may refuse to accept the Christian doctrine of immortality that is a different thing but a human being who is once absorbingly loved another human being can never doubt that his love and therefore himself is immortal he is conscious that it is too strong and too godlike in a motion ever to see death I wish Nancy was happy in her love as I am said Nora with a sigh poor little Nancy I'm afraid she has much to go through before she is perfected and yet she is the sort of person that one feels is only suited to success and sunshine it is difficult to think of Nancy's anything but Nancy Vic tricks yes pity and Nancy don't dovetail into each other somehow no they don't degree the vicar I can think of you as ill and sorrowful and yet yourself your dear sweet lovable self but Nancy ill or unhappy would not be Nancy at all come and walk around the woods and nor when the lovers reach wayside so they crossed the lawn and entered the little compass on the further side of it hello what's that explain Michael is spying a small dark object under one of the trees that's our idol haven't you seen it before Michael no replied the vicar standing still in front of a little stone image what a quaint object where did it come from I don't know it has been here ever since I can remember and when we were children Nancy and Tony and I used to burn sacrifices before it Michael left you little heathens on what occasions did you offer up these vain oblations when we wanted anything we used to think that the idol will help us to get our way if only we brought him with burnt offerings it was rather awful of us wasn't it I don't know that you were worse than many scores of so-called religious people who treat God very much as you treated your graven image but look here what's this somebody has been offering up sacrifices lately and the vicar turned over with his stick a little heap of ashes in front of the stone image it must have been the boys said Nora with interest we'll ask them boys she called her two small brothers who were just then in the middle of the road busily engaged in digging a shortcut through the earth to Australia Arthur and Ambrose rushed up to the lovers yes what's up inquired Arthur as spokesman have you and Ambrose been offering up sacrifices here their sister asked the two children knelt upon the ground and examined the heap of ashes with interest no replied Arthur somebody's been sacrificing here but it wasn't us was it ambi Ambrose shook his head we haven't offered up a sacrifice for a long time not since the day at Boxingdale Hall when the big tree was blown down why did you do it then asked the vicar because we wanted to please the tree spirit Arthur enlightened him we thought the tree spirit would be very angry at having his tree blown down so we tried to put him into a good temper by offering up a sacrifice to him in the roots of the tree and did you succeed in pacifying him I wonder continued Michael both little heads shook violently no we didn't he was so angry that that very night he burned down Boxingdale Hall we knew he'd be in a wax but we never thought he'd do anything as bad as that and then the boys rushed back to continue their underland route I wonder who did offer up the sacrifice muse Michael absently stirring up the ashes with his stick nor looked up with a solemn expression in her eyes I know it was Nancy I see now what she meant by saying that she never left a stone unturned when she wanted very badly to get her own way end of chapter 17