 The theater presents Jack Benny and Mary Livingston from Hollywood the Mutual Network in cooperation with Family Theater presents 45 caliber teapot starring Jack Benny and now here is your hostess Mary Livingston. Family Theater's only purpose is to bring to everyone's attention a practice that must become an important part of our lives if we are to win peace for ourselves, peace for our families and peace for the world. Family Theater urges you to pray, pray together as a family and now to our transcribed drama 45 caliber teapot starring Jack Benny as Malcolm Topleve. Have you ever noticed how people sometimes look like animals? Oh I don't mean act like them. Everybody's noticed that. I mean look like them. Perhaps an ant who somehow reminds you of a parrot and her husband who looks like a bulldog or an owl. If you ever notice things like that you'll understand me. You see I am a teapot. Oh not really it's just my type. I am teapotic by nature. Even look a little like one. And the people around me they all seem to fit into the same general classification. The cooking or kitchenware class you might say. There's my wife. Now Malcolm how many times have I told you to take your rubbers off before you come in the house? You know the trouble I have keeping this place clean without you tracking in all that rubbish from outdoors? Time and time again I told you not to bring in dirt and yet you persist. Don't hang your overcoat on the whole tree. You know that's for guests? Put it in the closet where it belongs. You know how I hate having things scattered about. Yet you know sooner or later. My wife was a coffee pot. A huge ever simmering never empty coffee pot. Complete with spout. The spout was always spouting off. You can hear it working now in the background. A high you say. She must be quiet when she sleeps. Not so. A different kind of spouting off. But spouting nonetheless. See what I mean? Then there was the supervisor. He was in charge of things in the library where I am employed as a restorer of rare books. His name Ernest Edgewater. And I thought of him as a fish platter. A big broad chested outdoor type fish platter who likes to be right in the center of things. And in a position to catch all the gravy without doing too much work. Yes, Edgewater was definitely the fish platter type. Good morning, Top Leaf old sock. What's new with the ancients? The slap was Mr. Edgewater slapping me on the back and the thump was my forehead hitting the workbench. How's everything this morning, Top Leaf? Oh, just... Beautiful morning, eh? Shame we have to spend it in this stuffy old library. Better to be out basking on the beach. You look like you could use a little sunshine, Top Leaf. You look kind of peeked. Sir, my vacation is a month overdue now. If you could... Fresh air is what you need. Here, let's open up some of these windows. Let a little air and sunshine in, eh, old sock? Eh, keep up the good work, Top Leaf, doing a fine job, fine job. Mr. Edgewater? Call me in my office if you need me. Always in the office, Top Leaf. All work and no play, but that's life. Miss Winders, if anyone calls me, I'll be at the links all morning. Just leave any messages at the clubhouse, eh? Good girl. Then there was Miss Winders, a sugar bowl by nature, as sweet a child as I've known. Shall I close these windows for you, Mr. Top Leaf? I'm sorry the wind blew all your pages out of order. Oh, that's very kind of you, Miss Winders. Thank you. Don't let him bother you, Mr. Top Leaf. He gets on my nerves, too. Margaret Winders was in love with a fine young man in the refile section, Bill Regan. Bill seemed made for Margaret. Maybe that's why I thought of him as the cream-pitcher type, because he just seemed to belong with Margaret, the sugar bowl. Bill was a splendid young man. I'd like to punch that Edgewater right in the snoot. A splendid young man. So you see, life around me was full of problems. Problems which I, being teapotic by nature, could never have solved except for... But then I'm getting ahead of my story. The story actually began at home. I remember Ursula and I had just finished the evening meal. Going to drink another cup of tea? My dear, this is only my second cup. Well, I don't think you should have any more. But... Now, Malcolm, you know how I hate looking at dirty dishes. Besides, you'll never get to sleep. Tea keeps you awake. I believe it's supposed to be coffee, my dear. Well, be that as it may. I just can't bear looking at these dishes another minute. After all, I work and slave in this house all day long. The least, the very least you can do is to have a little respect for my wishes. Yes, dear. Besides, if you wash them before the food hardens, it won't take you nearly as long. I was listening to that fellow on the radio. That's his name, Sam Johnson. I could feel something inside of me ready to snap. Then I thought of all the books about nervous breakdowns I'd read. They all started with something snapping. Then I remember seeing that movie with that Brando fellow. When he cleared all the dishes off the table with his forearm. Just swept everything off into the floor. I'd yearn to do something like that. I was suddenly obsessed with the idea. I put my forearm down on the table and... Malcolm! What on earth are you doing? You put your coat sleeve right in the butter! Right in the butter! Oh, so I did. Oh, you must be out of your mind of all the stupid things to do. I swear, Malcolm, I can't understand why I ever married you. I just can't understand it. It was then, right then, that I decided to do something. Oh, morning, Mr. Toplief. Don't see you in this part of the library very often. Hello, Bill. Just doing a little research. Research? A little problem at home, Bill. See what it says here. How to build strength and character. Be your own man. Self-help for the downtrodden and six easy lessons. Ever read any of these books, Bill? I've read most of them, Mr. Toplief. Sir, I don't want to seem too personal, but this problem at home is at the wife. You've met my wife. Yes, sir. Those books won't do a thing for you. Frankly, I think you might have better luck if you just kind of take the bit in your teeth. How's that? Just let her know who's boss. She already knows. Sir? I wish it were that easy. Bill, what we talked about just between us, all right? Sure, Mr. Toplief. If I do run into anything, I'll let you know. Thanks, Bill. Later that morning, I was sitting at my work table rebuilding a page from the medical prints of Pereri when Miss Winder stopped by. Mr. Toplief, Mr. Edgewater asked me to give you this. Another repair job? Yes, sir. Hmm, that looks interesting. This one I'm working on? Fine old prints, over 300 years old. It's interesting how foggy those early medical men were about the human body. Now, this fellow, Pereri, even put the heart on the wrong side. Did he? One of these prints, he left out the spine. Maybe he used a model who didn't have one. Oh, how could that be, Miss Winder? Everybody. Then why hasn't Bill proposed? Oh, I see what you mean. Sometimes he's so close, I just know the next thing he's going to say is... Well, he just won't do it. Well, maybe he thinks he isn't making enough to settle down. Maybe a raise and pay. No, he'd never get it from Mr. Edgewater. Even if he'd ask. He's waiting for a raise. I might as well give up. Hmm. Oh, well, I shouldn't worry you with my troubles. You've got problems of your own. I certainly have troubles of my own, all right. This is a strange one. This book. Oh, the one you just brought in? Let's see. Sudden cures and medicaments for frightful ills and mixtures for the correctment of unseemly conditions. What a strange title. What do you suppose it is? Oh, a book of ancient prescriptions, most likely. You know how to make warts vanish. Take a pinch of powdered dragons, horns mixed with water from a hollow log. Things like that. Worthless but interesting. I'll get to it presently. I didn't think much about the manuscript at first, but something kept popping back into my mind. It was that mixtures for the correctment of unseemly conditions. I picked up the papers and began thumbing through them. Then I saw a common case of being the mastery of a shrewish wife. This woeful disconsert is most often caused by man, for the man may himself bear fall for not assuming mastery in his own house. That's true enough. The user should be cautious for this remedy is potent and might give more confidence and is helpful. Let's see what this recipe calls for. Hmm. The white of two eggs. Easy to get. Oil of clove. Drugstore'd have that. Nutmeg. Hmm. See what else it says. I can get all these things. Now what do the recipes instructions say? Shake well and mix equal parts with the newly popular and health-giving culture made by the Bulgarians. Why, that's just plain yogurt. Yogurt. I believe I'll take a jar home this evening. Yes. Why not this very night? Yes, dear. Don't leave your rubbers in the hall now. I didn't wear them, dear. Well, don't leave them in the hall anyway. Yes, dear. What have you got in that paper sack? Oh, just a few items from the store, my dear. I've been feeling a little, little unsettled lately. I got some things to sort of correct the condition. Now I hope you're not running to the doctor with every little ill. Oh, no, dear. If you knew how I skimped and saved to make ends meet, you wouldn't be running to the doctor with every minor little complaint. But, my dear, I have... Oh, um... Hello? Oh, yes. Just a moment, dear. Like the fire in the upper, Malcolm. The meatloaf is already inside. Just a moment, Agnes, dear. Well? Oh, yes, dear. Agnes? Yes! I'd love to hear. But wait till I tell you the latest about Lord and Al. I have a great many faults, but I do pride myself on saving time. I think I used my time that evening to great advantage. I went into the kitchen, lined up all my ingredients on the drain board, got out the mixing bowl. And just to be on the safe side, I lit the oven to heat up the meatloaf. After that, I began mixing my ingredients with great care following the instruction scribbles. Ah, I'll stir the yogurt. There, that ought to do it. Keep spouting, Ursula. Yack, yack, yack. Let me see. Heating a copper pot. A copper pot? I haven't got a copper... Ah, copper bottom cooking ware. That ought to do it. Keep talking just a little longer, Ursula. Just a little longer. I washed it, come to a simmering point. Then I turned out the flame and set the mixture on the back of the stove to cool. I was really too excited to eat much dinner. I was too excited to do anything, but checked things over in my mind. Had I added the nutmeg at the right time? Had the eggs been fresh enough? Would copper bottom cooking ware work as well as the copper pot? Will the whole thing work? What did you say? Huh? Oh, nothing, my dear. Well, as I was saying, I've let this meatloaf burn the only thing you had to watch. Oh, yes, that idiotic concoction of yours. If it's anything like that other blood builder that beat you some raw egg business you were taking last winter, I just won't have it around the house. Well, this should be quite different, my dear. I believe it's cooled enough now. I don't know why you can't get along with vitamins. I'm afraid my hand was shaking a little as I filled my cup from the copper bottom saucepan. I spilled just a little in the saucer that I'd made enough. Much more than enough. I was shaking like a leaf as I raised the cup to my lips and drank. Drinking your concoction, you know how I feel about looking at dirty dishes who might just as well clear the table. Clear the table. Did you say clear the table? Malcolm, what's come over you? I'll clear the table, all right. Broken all my dishes. Want me to clear the mantle, too? No, no, no, no, no. Maybe the stove, gas connections and all. No, Malcolm, is this all? Don't you raise your voice to me. Oh, I think I'm going to faint. Fine. I was thinking of cleaning up the floor anyway. You must be out of your mind. Not a bit, my dear. We're just going to make some changes around here. Malcolm, you're... No more Malcolm. It's Mal. Mal, get that M-E-L. Mal, say it once. No crying in this house. None. You will be happy. Yes, ma'am. Now, when I'm running things, understand? I wear the pants. I keep the pay envelope. There are any orders I give them. You do the shopping. You do the cooking. The dish washing. The house cleaning. From here on out, I'm the master of this house. Understand? Yes, Mal. What's that? Mal, give me my slippers. Yes, Mal. But Mal, you're wearing your slippers. Don't argue with me when I speak jump. Will you jump? More coffee. Yes, dear. Did I make it strong enough for you? No. I use two tablespoons to a cup. Tomorrow, use three. More eggs, dear. Six was enough. I'll finish packing by lunch. Yes, dear. Rare six sandwiches, just as you asked. The thermos? I put what was left of your blood-builder in it. Just as you asked. I better go downtown and buy some dishes today. Replace the ones I broke last night. Yes, dear. Then catch a bus and meet me at the library at six. I'm going to hit Edgewater for a raise today. And tonight, we're going to celebrate getting it. Yes, dear. Anything you say. Well, see you. But, dear. Oh, I forgot to tell you, from now on, I'll be driving the car to work every day. But now, you don't know how to drive a car. Now, I will admit the potion did give me a wonderful feeling of self-confidence, and that the instructions had caution against overconfidence. But I didn't feel my judgment had been distorted. True, I hadn't driven a car before, but I had seen others drive, and some men learned from merely observing others. Fortunately, I am one of those men. Starting the car and backing it out of the garage was a simple matter, surprising how simple it really was. Then when I was in the middle of Elm Street, I stopped, set the crankshaft and forward, and leisurely proceeded through the gears. Second to low. To high. Just though I'd been doing it all my life. Motor down-elm, enjoying the early morning sun and the sounds of other happy drivers going to work. I had pretty well settled things at home, so while I motored along, I gave some serious thought to Bill and Margaret. Had an idea I could do something for them. Actually, I had a couple of plans in mind. One of them centered around what I had in my thermos bottle. There was only one parking place left in the library, parking lot. There was a small one right next to Edgewater's car. I slowly brought my machine to a stop, then setting the parking brake, because I was going to park. I put the gear shank in reverse, and backed into the spot next to Edgewater's auto. Then, of course, the next stop was calling an old fish platter himself. Morning fish platter, you're good for nothing, old rogue. You bum. How's everything this morning? The slap was me slapping Edgewater on the back, and the thump was Edgewater's forehead hitting the desk. Who's that top leaf? Well, careful, old man. Not as young as I used to be. Beautiful morning, eh? Shame we have to spend it in this stuffy old library, eh? Well, yes, as a matter of fact, it is. What have we been reading here? New book? How to improve your golf game? Fine. Don't mind if I borrow. Do you Edgeplatter? Water. Edge. How about your clubs? They pretty good? Good set, Fishwater? Edgewater? Yes, they're pretty good clubs. Fine, I'll borrow them, too. We're here now, Top Leaf. The Board of Examiners will be coming through in about a week. Board of Examiners? Where'd you hear that? How'd you know? I called them. I thought it was about time we did some straightening up around here. Let me get this straight. You, Malcolm Top Leaf, you called the Board of Examiners? Why not? I'm ahead with my work. Margaret Winters, Bill Regan, the librarians, the clerks are all caught up with their work. B-b-b-but Top Leaf! You're the only one behind, and you wouldn't be in a little time in the office, Fishplatter. I am stabbed in the back. How could you do this to me, Top Leaf? Better get things organized, my boy. Tell you what, I'll think this whole thing over for a while. Might be able to get you out of this. Thanks for the use of the club. Uh, Top Leaf, don't... don't let anything happen to the putter. Right. I called your wife for you, Mr. Mal. Thanks, Maggie. Yes, sir? Miss Winters, will you call the country club and tell them Mr. Fishplatter... I mean, Edgewater won't be there today? Yes, sir. Thank you, Miss Winters. What do you suppose is the matter with Mr. Edgewater? Nothing we can't fix easily enough. Maggie, do you really want to marry Bill? I mean, really? Oh, Mr. Top Leaf, more than just about anything. Think he wants to marry you? I think he does, but... Call him. Tell him to meet me in the locker room. Oh, now... Maggie. Yes, Mal? I told Bill everything that had happened about how, quite by accident, I'd found the strange recipe in about what it had done for me. Oh, now, just a minute, Mr. Top Leaf. Mal. Uh, Mal then. Things like this just don't happen. Well, here's the proof. In that thermos bottle? What have you got to lose? Let me ask you one thing. Shoot, do you want to marry Margaret? Oh, sure. What man in his right mind wouldn't want to marry Margaret. Then why haven't you asked her? Are you kidding, Mr. Top? Mal, a good-looking gal like that wouldn't marry a lug like me. Oh, sure, we've been out a couple of times, but she only went for laughs. Suppose I told you she'd like you to pop the question. No, I'd say you were nuts. But even if you were to... I couldn't even think about getting married in my salary. See what I mean? What have you got to lose? All right, Mal, open your thermos. Before I do, promise me you'll treat her right. Yeah, all right. You're going to have me believing there's something to this. And you won't punch Edgewater in the nose. Yeah, sure, I won't punch him in the nose. All right, I think half a cup should be enough for you. Here you are. It smells pretty bad. Well, it's time to hatch. The effect on Bill was immediate. He ran right out of the locker room. Didn't even open the door first. I never heard what he said to Margaret Winters. Just didn't get there quickly enough, but judging from the look on her face, the results were very satisfactory. I told him about my idea. Then we called on Edgewater and I outlined the plan to him. May I ask you a question? Shoot, Fishwater. Isn't it Edgewater, dear? Oh, that's right, you beautiful thing you. What was your question, Edgeplatter? I just want to get the whole thing straight. Now, you people are offering to help me get my work organized, so I'll be able to get it done in time for the Board of Examiners. That's about it. Wouldn't you say that's about it, gorgeous? That's substantially correct. And all I have to do is increase your paychecks so you'll be getting what you're worth. That's right. And then you'll give me my clubs back. Tuesday and Thursday afternoons and over the weekends if you keep up with your work. All right, Top Leaf, you've got a deal. Well, that's about it. The story of how the change began for the wife and me, for Margaret and Bill, and for Edgewater. Actually, it worked out pretty well. Even Edgewater seems happier now that he's leading a useful life. I don't even think of him as a fishplatter anymore. He sort of turned into the serving tray type. And Mrs. Top Leaf? I don't think of her as a coffee pot anymore, either. She turned out to be a dutiful and loving wife. Fine woman. But I'm still teapotting by nature. Not the same as before, though. I'm a different kind of a teapot now. I think of myself as a teapot with a high muzzle velocity. That was quite a remarkable recipe. Oh, incidentally, I restored the book. It's on the library shelves now if you were thinking of checking it out. It's filed under... Now, how did I file that book? Was it under folklore or history? Or did I put it under chemistry? Then it might be filed under... Oh, well, if you really want it, just browse around a little. You'll find it. This is Mary Livingston again. Did you ever notice how frequently in everyday conversation you hear familiar little phrases and adages? They are used and reused so often that we come to think of them as a single idea rather than as a group of words. One such adage, which we all have heard at one time or another, is charity begins at home. Let's look at this group of words a little more closely. For instance, the first word, charity. What does this word mean? Well, the most common, generally accepted interpretation would be generosity. But that's not quite correct. Charity comes from the Latin, caritas, which means love. Generosity is but one byproduct of love. So substituting the word love for charity, we have love begins at home. Now take the word home. A home is a house occupied by a family. Therefore, home and family are very closely related. So now our adage becomes, love begins in the family. Love is the tie that holds the family closely united. And this love stems from family prayer, for prayer is the voice of love. And the prayer that rests in the heart and on the lips of the family is most pleasing to God. And he will answer these prayers by extending his blessings of love and of harmony and of freedom from discord. So you see, the family that prays together stays together. More things are up by prayer than this world dreams of. music composed and conducted by Harry Zimmerman and was directed and transcribed for Family Theatre by John T. Kelly. This series of Family Theatre broadcast is made possible by the thousands of you who feel a need for this type of program, by the mutual network which has responded to this need, and by the hundreds of stars of stage, screen and radio who give so unselfishly of their time and talent to appear on our Family Theatre stage. To them and to you, our humble thanks. This is Larry Chatterton expressing the wish of Family Theatre that the blessing of God may be upon you and your home and imparting you to be with us next week when Family Theatre will present the first morning starring Robert Ryan. Jane Wyatt will be your hostess. Join us, won't you? Family Theatre is broadcast throughout the world and originates in the Hollywood studios of the world's largest network. This is the Mutual Broadcasting System.