 The Jack Benny program transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. Feeling low, feeling tender. Okay, because Lucky's fine tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. Put you on the right level to feel and do your level best. That's what fine tobacco can do for you. And L-S-M-F-T, L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, smooth, mild, thoroughly enjoyable tobacco. So next time you buy cigarettes, ask for a carton of Lucky Strike and get on the right level. The Lucky Level, where you feel your best and do your best. Yes, smoke a Lucky to feel your level best. The Jack program starring Jack Benny with Mary Louise and Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight Jack has a date to take Mary to a movie. So let's go out to his house in Beverly Hills where Rochester is helping him get ready. Rochester, get out my razor and give me a shave, please. Oh, boss, do I have to shave you too? Last night I gave you a haircut. You did? Yeah, didn't you notice it when you put it on this morning? Well, that's the silliest thing I ever heard of. The hair on a toupee doesn't grow. The one you bought doesn't. I'm talking about the one you trapped yourself. Which one was that? The one with the white stripe. I had to comb it with an air wig. Rochester, stop being silly and give me a shave. Okay, hold still while I lather you up. Rochester, do you have to use that mug? Hold still, boss. Passing by and I say, that looks wonderful. Trying to blow the foam off. It's me. And get your foot off my knee. It's not a brass rail. What a guy. All right. I'm sorry, Jackson. What do you want, Phil? Well, I just brought by to ask if you can come over to the house tomorrow night. You see, I'm throwing a little party. Oh, sure, Phil. I'll be glad to come. Shall I have dinner first? No, of course not. I've got everything all set. I've been preparing for the party all week. Yeah, what do you have? Well, there'll be Manhattan's, old-fashioned's, bourbon high balls, martini, scotch and soda. Phil! Phil, wait a minute. I mean food. Food? What? I said, what are you going to have to eat? Well, if you don't like olives, don't come. Look, a pimento boy. How the world... Ouch! Mr. You cut me. It's about time you felt it. I did it a minute ago. Why didn't you tell me? I thought you were dead. Don't be funny. Did you cut me bad? Ah, it's nothing, boss. I just snipped the stem off your Adam's apple. You clumsy thing. I have to buy a collar button. Phil. Phil, about the party. I'll be at your house at eight o'clock. What's the occasion? It's Alice's birthday. Oh, good. Good. I'll bring her some candy. Jackson, you gave her candy last year and she never got to eat any of it. She didn't? No, she was carrying it upstairs and the bag broke. Gee, that's a shame. And those jaw breakers rolled so, too. I'll get the square ones this time. Uh-oh! What's the matter, Rochester? Did I cut you again? Can't you tell? It would help if you'd bleed a little. Well, I'm not going to force myself just for you. Say, Phil, what are you giving Alice for her birthday? Well, I got it right here in this little box. Let me show it to you. There. Isn't that pretty? Oh, Phil, what a beautiful gold locket. She loved that. Well, open it up, Jackson. There's a picture inside. No, Phil, I'd rather not. Alice should be the first one to see it. Oh, we don't mind, Jackson. Gee, you're like one of the family. Go ahead. Open the locket. Well, all right. Now, isn't that sweet? A picture of Patrillo. Yeah. That's very nice. Phil, you can raise your head. I closed the locket. Here. Well, look, Phil, I wish I had more time to talk to you, but I'm taking Mary to the movies pretty soon. I've got to get dressed. Just one more bobby pin, Miss Livingston, and I'll have your hair finished. There. Here's the mirror. Oh, Pauline, I've never had my hair thick so nice before. Oh, it is nice, isn't it? It's a brand new hairdo. I bought on television the other night. On a style show? No, I'm gorgeous, George. Well, it's time I got something back. You learned the hack Nelson for my sister, Babe. Now, hurry, Pauline. I don't want to be late. Mr. Benny has taken me to the movies. We're going to the cameo theater. The cameo? Yes, Pauline. Have you been there? Not since they raised the price to 15 cents. 15 cents? Oh, they had to do that when they sandpapered the benches. Benches. He would. I'm going to call up Mr. Benny and tell him... Oh, I'll get it, Miss Livingston. Hello, Pauline. Oh, hello, Miss Stanwick. Is Miss Livingston in? Yes, Miss Stanwick. Here she comes now. Hello, Mary. Oh, hello, Barbara. Gee, I'm glad to see you. How's Bob? He's fine. Say, Mary, am I intruding? You look like you're going out. If you want to call it that. Jack's taking me to movie, and I just found out it's a 15-cent one. I'll bet it's the cameo theater. It is the cameo. Has Bob ever taken you there? Not since they sandpapered the benches. Oh, for heaven's sake, I didn't know Bob was cheap, too. Well, he wasn't always, Mary, but he started running around with Jack and got some of it on him. Well, it is contagious. Anyway, Barbara, what are you doing tonight? Nothing. Good. Then you come to the movies to him. We'll make Jack buy three tickets. Well, what? We'll make Jack buy three tickets. Okay, while you're choking him, I'll use my breast knuckles. Well, anyway, let's try. Come on, let's go over to Jack's house. Okay. Oh, by the way, Barbara, that's a beautiful hair, do you have? Gorgeous, George? No, nature boy. Well, it's very becoming. Come on, let's go. You nicked me so many times. Did you cut me very deep? Last time, you're going to shave me. It almost was. Oh, that must be Mary now. Come in. Hello, Mr. Benny. Did you hear the one about the two Irishmen who got on a street car? Come on in, Dennis. Thank you. Did you hear the one about the two Irishmen who got on a street car? Close the door, kid. Okay. Did you hear the one about the two Irishmen who got on a... Sit down, sit down, Dennis. Thanks. Did you hear the one about the two Irishmen who got on a street car? No, no, I didn't. I wish you had. I forgot the answer. What did you come over for? Well, do I have to have a reason to come over and see you? No, I just... You think you are a Winston Churchill? Dennis, I merely asked you why you came over here. Well, watch it next time. Kid, I'm not going to stand here and... Come in. Good. Now we can go to... Hello, Jack. Mary invited me to come over. Barbara, Barbara, wait for your applause. She got it at my house. Oh, Barbara, I want you to meet Dennis Day. Dennis, this is Barbara Stanwyck. Barbara Stanwyck? Gee. Hello, little man. Little man, if you know what kind of a guy I am, you'd run for your life. Dennis, stop with that silly talk. Well, I want Miss Stanwyck to have respect for me. I do respect you, and I think you're very sweet. You do? Of course I do. Would you ask me for a date if you were sure I'd accept? Well, I wouldn't say that. You see, the man I like to go out with is... Well, my husband, Robert Taylor. But he's married. I certainly hope so. Well, come on, Jack. Let's just start it. It's time we went to the movies. You know, Mary, as long as Barbara dropped in, it isn't polite for you and me to go to the movies. I've only got two passes, you know. That's all he gave me for sandpapering the benches. But say, kids, I've got an idea. Why don't we stay home and play gin rummy? I don't want to play gin rummy. But girls, you wouldn't enjoy yourselves. It's a western picture. Oh, I love a good western. But it's not a good western, Barbara. It's even been refused by television. Believe me, it's no good. Well, if you don't want to go, we'll go by ourselves. Come on, Barbara. Okay, so long, kids. Oh, by the way, girls, would you like my passes? No, we can make a better deal at the box office. Okay. Now, Dennis... Just a minute. Oh, Miss Stanwyck! Yes. Dennis! Now, I wish... I wish you wouldn't act so silly. What did I do that was silly? Trying to date a Barbara Stanwyck at your age. Would be sillier at your age. What did you say? Miss Stanwyck would have fallen in love with me if it hadn't meant for you. Me? What did I have to do with it? She thinks you're Winston Churchill. Oh, quiet. Anyway, now, what makes you think Miss Stanwyck would fall in love with a kid like you? I could tell by the way she looked at me. Huh? If you and Miss Livingston hadn't been here, she couldn't have controlled herself. Dennis... Dennis, what's happened to you? I don't know, but it feels good. I had just about enough out of you. You come over to my house, eat my fruit, and I've been watching you. Now, you go on home, and when you feel like apologizing for the way you acted, you can come back. Okay, and goodbye. Goodbye. And get your hand out of the fruit bowl. Now, go home and think it over. I'll show Mr. Benny such a wise guy. Pays me $35 a week and expects me to sing good. I'll get even with him. Next Sunday, I'll sing lousy. That's what I'll do. You're done right. I'll sing like this. It's a use of A or a gaze and a claw. There's a brave new star, Spangled Sky, a Turkish July. But I'll sing lousy on the program if I have to practice to do it. I'll show Mr. Benny. Learned I passed my house. I always do that. I always do that, too. I was just over to Mr. Benny's house. Well, take a bath and no one will notice it. Okay. Say, Pop, I just had a big fight with Mr. Benny about Barbara Stanwyck. Who? Barbara Stanwyck. Gee, Pop, is she beautiful? She's got eyes like stars, lips like rubies, a figure like Venus de Milo, and... Gee, Pop, am I making you nervous? No, why? You're tearing up Mother's picture. I'll get the glue. You mind your... Even you're against me. Everybody's against me. I'm gonna get undressed and go to bed. I can get along without Jack Benny, believe me. And another thing, from now on, I'm gonna listen to Fred Allen with the door wide open. More of that sneaky stuff. I'll show Mr. Benny. Boy, this bet feels good. I don't need Jack Benny. Take your hands out of the fruit bowl. Take your hands out of the fruit bowl. I only ate three apples. What's he yelling about anyway? They made a wax. Benny doesn't know it, but a lot of people have told me I ought to be the star of the program. Girls will be crazy about me. Can you imagine? Star of the Lucky Strike program. Dennis Day, a big star. All the girls will be crazy about me. Big star. Girls. Big star. Girls. Dennis Day with Winston Churchill. Alec Khan. Two Irishmen on a streetcar. Our singing star, Margaret... Again, this is Dennis Day coming to you from Galway Bay, and we will open the show with a song by Frankie Harris and Dinah Livingston. Hi, Lon. Hello. Hi, Lon. I love these eight words. I've been smoking Lucky's for an eye on the 63 years. I know. You told it to me when we got on the streetcar. For our feature attraction tonight... Answer the phone, Don. Yes, sir. Hello? Hello. I'd like to speak to Dennis Day, please. This is Miss Stanwyck. Miss Stanwyck? Gee. Just a minute, please. It's for you, Dennis. It's Barbara Stanwyck. Oh, is that Dame calling again? It drives me nuts. Tell her I'm not in. But, Dennis... You heard me, fat boy. Tell her I'm not in. Okay. Miss Stanwyck, I'm sorry, but Mr. Day isn't in. I know he's there. I know it. I heard his voice. Tell him I've got to speak to him. Please, please. Yes, ma'am. Dennis, she insists on talking to you. Oh, all right. I'll give her a thrill. Hello? Dennis. Dennis, I must talk to you. It's urgent. Oh, hello, urgent. Oh, well, what do you want, kid? Dennis. Dennis, I haven't heard from you in five days. What's the matter? What's happened between us? You've been neglecting me. You've changed, Dennis. You're not the same. I know it. I can feel it. If there's anything I should know, I wish you'd tell me. Well, if you must know, I don't love you anymore, Toots. Do this to me, Dennis, after you've made me give up nature, boy. You alone. Some place where we can talk. Meet me at the Brown Derby. The Brown Derby? Okay. Goodbye. Goodbye, darling. Until I see you again, the minutes will drag like hours. The hours will drag like days. The days will drag like... Ah, shut up. Thank you. Oh, well. I might as well meet her and get this over with. It's crowded here at the Brown Derby. A table for Mr. Day. A table for Mr. Day. A day for Mr. Table. A day for Mr. Table. A day for Mr. Table. A Derby for Mr. Brown. A Derby for Mr. Brown. A Derby for Mr. Day. It's Derby Day. I've seen you. It was never like this before. Never. Not so loud. People are listening. Let's order something to eat. Oh, waiter. Waiter. Yes, Mr. Day. What will you have, sir? Two fried Irishmen on a whole wheat streetcar. Yes, sir. And what will you have, madame? The same thing and whole the transfer. Yes, madame. But first, would you mind standing up for a minute? Why? I want a sandpaper at the benches. Thank you. Oh, Dennis, it's been such a wonderful evening. Just being near you again has given me something to live for. Well, I'm sorry, sugarfoot, but this is the end. I'm never going to see you again. No. No, Dennis, darling, don't say that. You mustn't say that. I love you. I love you. You mustn't leave me. You mustn't. Tell me more. You fascinate me. You're urgent. Unless you're making fun of me. Who wouldn't dare? Goodness, she did it. She did it. Oh, waiter. Wait. Separate checks, please. She killed herself, but it wasn't my fault. I'm not to blame. Oh, yes, you are, Dennis Day. Wait a minute. You're not the waiter. You're Jack Benny. Yes. And I saw you kill her. No, no, I didn't, Mr. Benny. Really, I didn't. She killed herself. Yes. And you're just letting her lie there. You won't even give her a lucky so she'll feel her level best. Yes, Dennis Day, you drove her to suicide and you'll sit and fry in the electric chair. No, I won't. No, I won't. Barbara, Barbara, speak to me. You've killed her. She's dead. Barbara, speak to me. Get up. Get up. What for? They gave it to Jane Wyman. Okay, good night, Pop. Just a moment, but first, put you on the right level to feel and do your level best. That's why it's so important for you to select and smoke the cigarette of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. Remember, L-S-M-F-T, L-S-M-F-T, L-S-M-F-T, L-S-M-F-T, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. No wonder more independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers, and warehousemen smoke Lucky Strike regularly than the next two leading brands combined. Yes, Lucky's are the overwhelming choice of the men who really know tobacco. So when you choose your cigarette, remember that Lucky's fine tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. Put you on the right level to feel your best and do your best. Smoke a... Yes, that's how to get on the lucky level. Next time you buy cigarettes, ask for a carton of Lucky Strike. Smoke a... Lucky... Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank Ruby Stevens, better known as Barbara Stanwyck, for appearing here tonight, for appearing here tonight through the courtesy of Robert Taylor, better known as Spangler Arlington Doors. And be sure to listen to Eugene Patrick McNulty in A Day in the Life of Dennis Dan. Good night, folks. And the Universal International Production The Lady Gamble. This program is transcribed. This is CBS The Columbia Broadcasting System.